Anonymous: Lord of Copypasta

Feb 18th, 2013
Not a member of Pastebin yet? Sign Up, it unlocks many cool features!
  1. Based on this anonymous suggestion:
  2. Anonymous is held captive by an old griffon who demands that he tells him stories for his freedom. He unloads with every Copypasta he can remember.
  4. Anonymous, Lord of Copypasta
  5. By IceMan
  7. >Ugh...
  8. >Your head feels like it has been smacked with a wrecking ball.
  9. >Managing to open your eyes, you find yourself in a dimly lit cave.
  10. >Four brownish-grey rectangles hang in front of you, obscuring part of your fuzzy vision.
  11. >A quadrupedal figure stands in front of you, but you cannot determine if he is a pony or some other Equestrian creature.
  12. >“Ah... it awakens,” the creature states gruffly.
  13. “Where am I? Who are you? How did I get here?” you ask rapidly.
  14. >“No questions, prisoner,” the creature replies, ending your query.
  15. >You scrape your brain for an idea.
  16. “What the fuck did you just fucking say about me, you little bitch? I’ll have you know I graduated top of my class in the Navy Seals, and I’ve been involved in numerous secret raids on Al-Qaeda, and I have over 300 confirmed kills. I am trained in gorilla warfare and I’m the top sniper in the entire US armed forces. You are nothing to me but just another target. I will wipe you the fuck out with precision the likes of which has never been seen before on this Earth, mark my fucking words. You think you can get away with saying that shit to me? Think again, fucker. As we speak I am contacting my secret network of spies across the USA and our location is being traced right now so you better prepare for the storm, maggot. The storm that wipes out the pathetic little thing you call your life. You’re fucking dead, kid. I can be anywhere, anytime, and I can kill you in over seven hundred ways, and that’s just with my bare hands. Not only am I extensively trained in unarmed combat, but I have access to the entire arsenal of the United States Marine Corps and I will use it to its full extent to wipe your miserable ass off the face of the continent, you little shit. If only you could have known what unholy retribution your little “clever” comment was about to bring down upon you, maybe you would have held your fucking tongue. But you couldn’t, you didn’t, and now you’re paying the price, you goddamn idiot. I will shit fury all over you and you will drown in it. You’re fucking dead, kiddo.”
  17. >The griffon, as you can now determine the creature’s species now that your vision has cleared, stumbles back a bit, then begins to chuckle.
  18. >“That’s a good one, kid,” he laughs.
  19. >Taking a better look at his face, you notice a long scar down his eye.
  20. >His plumage and coat is fading to grey like exposed film on the edges.
  21. >“My buddies used to tell me boasts like that during the war.... Tell you what, you give me another good yarn, and I won’t sell you to the Diamond Dog slavers,” the griffon offers.
  22. >Well, then.
  23. “I’ve done something horrible,” you start.
  24. “I caught my girlfriend cheating with my best friend. When I saw them together, I got so furious; I slit their throats with my pocketknife. Then, I buried the two bodies and my mom got scared and said, 'You’re movin’ with your auntie and uncle in Bel-Air.' I whistled for a cab and when it came near. The license plate said fresh and it had dice in the mirror. If anything I could say that this cab was rare. But I thought, 'Nah, forget it. Yo home to Bel-Air!' I pulled up to the house about 7 or 8, and I yelled to the cabby, ‘Yo homes smell ya later.' Looked at my kingdom I was finally there, to sit on my throne as the prince of Bel-Air.”
  25. >“Another! Another!” the griffon croaks between his guffaws.
  26. “I’d been hearing a lot lately about the merits of this Chuck Norris fellow, so I thought I’d pay him a visit - Anonymous style. As I approached his house, I heard a twig snap behind me and then out of nowhere came the leg of the one and only Chuck Norris. Luckily, my reflexes were too fast for him. My massive masculine meat-pipe burst forth from my finely-tailored trousers, ensnaring his leg with the power of a thousand anacondas. His once powerful instrument of death thusly destroyed, he was completely powerless. I decided that that ugly mug of his was not up to Anonymous standards, so I determined to deliver a makeover he wouldn’t soon forget. He began to cry like a kitten under a steamroller as my pulsating pelvic pile driver delivered blow after blow to his ever-softening skull. As I finished off my flesh-sculpture, I realized that I had formed his head into the shape of Devil’s tower. The shock caused me to let forth a flood of caustic cod crème that burned off that ridiculous stubble he calls a beard. He’s unconscious now, but he’ll soon wake up. He’s gonna like the way he looks. I guarantee it.”
  27. >“Alright, one more, and I’ll let you go,” the griffon states, wiping a tear from his eye.
  28. “So ur with ur honey and yur making out wen the phone rigns. U anser it n the vioce is ‘wut r u doing wit my daughter?’ U tell ur girl n she say ‘my dad is ded’.
  29. >“Then, who was phone?” the griffon asks as he unlocks your cell.
  30. >You only shrug, then take off at a sprint.
  31. >You are Anonymous.
  32. >You are the Lord of Copypasta.
RAW Paste Data