Nothing Happens: The Movie: The Novelization

>Be Aria
>You stare at the ceiling, having become quite familiar with every nook and cranny over the past few months
>It takes some effort not to look at the clock
>How long have you just been lying here?
>Wouldn't be hard to find out
>But, finding out always made you feel like shit
>Wasting your day away
>Midnight had become your new afternoon
>Waking up early meant waking up at 2 PM
>Your new "morning"
>You've really been pushing it with the time you went to sleep, but you couldn't help it
>Nothing to do
>Not even dream
>All you did these days was lie in bed and stare at the ceiling
>Maybe dick around on the internet when it wasn't feeling too tedious
>Other people thought they had it bad, thought their lives were boring
>Ha
>You sort of get used to the constant, thrumming nothingness of life after the first few centuries
>Getting older though, that was a new one
>Despite all the shit they caused you, and how shit they were as friends, you miss Sonata and Adagio
>Hell, you fucking miss high school
>You miss college
>Now you were just some person, rooming with some random asshole in a shitty, rundown apartment
>These last few years passed by so much more slowly then they'd done for a while now
>Probably because of all that magic shit back at the fucking Battle of the Bands
>What a stupid fucking idea that was
>At least you'd been smart enough to save up some money over the years
>Not as much as you should've
>But at least some... Unlike the other two
>Just enough to get you through the last few decades of your life like this
>Shitty apartment
>One-Course gourmet cereal dinner, courtesy of Anon
>God, what were you doing
>Ruminating like this time and time again
>You glance over at the clock
>4:13 AM
>You feel your heart sink, maybe plummet
>It's become such a recurring event that any sort of varied intensity has become indistinguishable
>Another fucking productive day
>Just like the one before it
>You wonder what Sonata and Adagio are up to these days
>Right now, probably sleeping
>Most sensible people are sleeping
>But other than that, you've got no fucking idea
>You all sort of just went your separate ways
>Time was really passing for the three of you, for the first time
>Time to go out and live life and all that shit
>Right
>Sonata could never survive in the real world
>Not by herself
>Being the first to leave meant you could force her onto Adagio
>She wouldn't leave Sonata by herself
>What a great person you are, huh?
>You let out a sigh
>Just thinking about everything you've ever fucked up, every night
>That couldn't possibly be good
>You look to the clock
>4:15 AM
>It's just what you were used to
>Feels like reliving all this shit over and over again
>How Sonata begged you not to go
>How you almost reveled in that
>How leaving felt good out of spite
>It feels like forever
>But it's just two minutes
>And yet, here you are, four hours past midnight
>Now how's that happen?
>You hear a rustling outside your room, and...
"ANON, WHAT THE FUCK. I'M TRYING TO SLEEP. SHUT OFF THE FUCKING MICROWAVE."
>"There's no way the microwave would wake you up, Aria. And I'm hungry, so fuck you too."
>The reply is slightly muffled by your door
>Even so, just the timbre of Anon's voice irks you, despite the lower volume
>Same way with Sonata... Ugh
>You hop out of bed in your pajamas and push open your door
>The kitchen light is on, its dim light barely illuminating the apartment
>The microwave hums lowly
"I've told you before. It's not the noise. It's the smell. Eat human food, or stop doing this at fucking retarded hours of the day, okay?"
>Anon rolls his eyes
>"Like you were asleep. And last I checked, soup is human food. What's your problem? You could do with being a better roommate."
"I pay the bills on time. That's enough."
>"I'm just saying, you spend ridiculous amounts of time just holed up in your room. I forget you're even here sometimes."
"Pot calling the kettle black. I just wanted a place to live and be left alone. That's what I'm paying for."
>"I hardly know anything about you. Aside from your name, and that you keep as strange hours as I do."
>You shrug
"You wouldn't believe me if I told you."
>"That's a really weird thing to say, you know. Makes it sound like you're a crazy person."
"Well that's why people say it, isn't it?"
>The microwave beeps, the pungent sent of finished soup seeping from its frame
>How the fuck can he stand that dreck
>Just makes you want to punch him in the face
>You could have a moment of lucidity, and realize that punching people over soup is fucking idiotic
>Or, you could just go ahead and punch him, and give in to those punch-fantasies you've had for so long
>But, you'll do neither
>You'll just look down on Anon internally because you have better taste than him
>He takes the soup out of the microwave, sits himself down at the table, and begins to eat
>"So, do you want to sit down or something, or are you just going to stand around and watch me eat like a weirdo?"
"I think I might just go back to my room."
>"Yeah, I'm sure what you were doing was very important," he says in a deadpan
>You clench your fist
>God, his fucking existence made you mad
>Fuck it, everyone made you mad, but Anon's been your lightning rod of hate for the last few months
"I doubt you've ever done anything important in your life."
>He laughs
>"C'mon, just sit down."
>You comply, groaning
>Between bites of soup, Anon begins to speak
>"You know, actually, I was planning on doing some important shit in my life. It's not like many people do much with their life before college is over, you know. Or that they plan to end up working shit shifts for a buck above minimum wage. But hey, this is what you get for majoring in English like a genius."
"Let me guess. Working on your big, important novel? About some middle class, urbanite male and his profound perspective on life?"
>Seems like a good guess
>That's what every stupid ass hipster fuck is doing these days
>Anon shakes his head
>"Abso-fucking-lutely not. I'd rather shoot myself than be one of those guys. I mean, yeah, I'm writing a novel, but that's an easy guess. Nothing so pretentious and generic, though."
"So what's it about, then?"
>You punctuate your sentence with a sigh
>"You don't sound like you really want to know."
"I don't."
>"At least you're honest, I guess. You've got that going for you."
>He gives you a shit eating grin
"I know what you're trying to do."
>Anon gives you a strange look
>"What do you mean?"
"Trying to get to know me. It's not going to work, okay?"
>"'It' what?"
>You shrug
"Friend shit. We are roommates. We are not friends. You think you can just mug it up and suddenly we're going to be besties and tell each other our life stories or some shit? Fuck you."
>Anon stops eating
>"It's really fucked up to think of people trying to get to know you as a ploy. Yeah, I want to get to know my roommate. We live together, and will be living together for the foreseeable future."
"Fine. Do you want to know what I decided to do with my life?"
>He nods
"I majored in History. Why? Because that comes easy to me. I was there. The past one thousand years of tedium, of the rise and fall of empires, of countless lives lost to time. I have that shit down pat because I was there."
>"Right. If you don't want to actually talk, then fine. We can just go back to never talking to each other."
>Oh fuck this
>This is exactly why you don't talk to people
"You're going to sit there and you're going to listen to me rant, so help me God. You want to know why we're here? Why we're just aimless fucks sitting around waiting to die? Because there's no fucking point."
>"Original."
"Yeah, well fuck you too! You know, where I come from, people know what they're meant to do. That's just a fundamental part of being alive. It's not just eat, shit, sleep. There's something... Something down there, inside, objectively saying 'hey, you matter'. Even if it's that your destiny is to be a fucking cardboard box maker or something, I don't know. Yeah, everyone but me. Some people have a point, but mine's just been to feed and survive and continue being alive. And now, I don't even have that! This human world, Anon, it is a fucking hell. This is just what life is like for you creatures, so no wonder I was banished here for the crime of existing!"
>You slam your fist on the table
>God, fuck Equestria
>You can't even remember what life was like back there
>What it even really looked like
>A thousand years of new memories has made it hazy
>Fuck, you're getting too worked up
>This isn't just wallowing anymore
>Are you crying?
>How long has it been since you've done that?
>Hundreds of years...
>Fuck, what an asshole you must look like
>You turn away from Anon to wipe your eyes
>His eyes are wide as saucers, looking incredibly uncomfortable
>"Um, okay... So... Where are you from, if not the human world?"
"Oh just shut up. This is why I told you you wouldn't believe me. I just want a place to hole up until this is all over. That's all. You don't really want to get to know me, and I don't want you to."
>"That's a bit morbid. Some people might be in the Nihilist camp and stuff, but that's sort of a shitty way to look at things."
"Things are shitty. How else should you look at them?"
>Anon frowns and shrugs his shoulders
>"I might not be a one thousand year old, inter-dimensional traveler, but I feel like I know some things. Like who I am. I'm the kind of person that has basically no friends, and lives a very meager life. That's just me."
"Or, maybe you're someone who's defunct, unlike most humans who have friends and shells of lives, and just makes up shit to get over the fact that they've given up."
>"Okay. Maybe I'm the kind of person who pretends that they're supposed to be this way, because they are this way. Still, that's a thing. That's not nothing."
>You startle Anon as you begin to laugh
"So, no, you're not nothing. You're a depressed sack of flesh waiting to die in the carnival from hell that is your sub-century life. You've done it, Anon. You've cheered me up from my immortal's malaise. I think I'll suck you off now, you're just so fucking charismatic and profound."
>You make sure to overplay your language enough to make your sarcasm sting
>What a fucking idiot
>"You don't have to do that Aria. I already know that I'm charismatic and profound, and I'm glad I could help. See, life's not a meaningless nothing. It all depends on who you are, and we're the type to suffer. Though, if you really need to, I want stop you from blowing me."
>You both laugh
"Fuck you."
>"I bet I'll be able to convince you, one way or another. This 'boo hoo' life shit is just the easy way out."
"Take it from someone who has lived one hundred human lifetimes. I'm not wrong. Ponies had a meaningful life, and I never did."
>Anon spits out his soup
>"Did you say ponies?"
"Oh you motherfucker, you got soup all over me!"
>"Oh, my bad, I thought you said something that warranted spitting out soup! Also, people NEVER get to do that. I've done that now. And it's awesome. I'm losing track; ponies?"
>You lean back in your chair and groan, staring at the ceiling
>You're not familiar with this ceiling
"Ponies, yeah. Forget I said anything."
>"Do you want me to tell you about myself or something? Will you tell me the truth then? Because making shit up—"
"Just fuck off, Anon."
>"'I wouldn't believe you'. Is that it?"
>You stand up
"I think that's pretty clear."
>Anon grunts, burying his head in his hands
>"Will you just sit back down, please? This is the first time we've actually talked in... Ever. I forget you even live here sometimes. I'll listen to whatever you have to say. I'm going stir crazy here! Aren't you? We don't have to be friends, but I've literally not spoken to anyone outside the job in months."
>Why is he pleading with you like this?
>You sigh and decide to humor him
>It's not like he's been around long enough to really know what it's like to be stir crazy...
>There was that time you were forced to be an anchoress, to save yourself from the stake
>What a waste of twenty years
>You're glad ritual immurement wasn't a thing anymore
>Now you're just doing basically the same thing of your own volition
>Holed up in a room, never leaving, subsisting
>It was almost funny
>"So, what's an immortal, dimension hopping being doing rooming with me in this dump?"
"Like I said, I was banished here. And I'm not immortal. Not anymore."
>"Banished, huh? For what?"
"I was a siren. I fed off of negative energy and was deemed to dangerous to stay in Equestria."
>Anon's eyebrows raise at the mention of 'Equestria', but he doesn't say anything
>"Seems like you've got enough negative energy to go around these days."
>You growl
"Can you give the witty shit a break? Fuck."
>"Fine, fine... Well, you look more human to me than siren. Then again, I don't really know what a siren looks like. Lure sailors to their deaths often in your line of work?"
"Now why would I do that? Dead men don't give off negative vibes. As far as I know, Adagio, Sonata, and I are the only sirens this place has had. Don't know where those fucking myths come from."
>You lean back
>Anon wasn't taking you seriously, that much you could tell
>More like he was just playing along with some joke
>The joke on him is that it's true
>Joke on you is that it doesn't matter
>Can't prove it to him
>Not without the gem...
>You miss singing
>A silence hangs between you and Anon
>Guess this is the part where you ask shit about him
>Not like you'd really care to know
"So... Why did you major in English or whatever? What did you expect to happen, other than, well," you gesture around the room, "this?"
>"This is actually about what I expected... I don't really know what I was thinking aside from I enjoyed reading and writing, and didn't have the fortitude to do something like Accounting. I didn't want to go in and get some shitty job that I hated."
"Yeah, instead you went in and got a shitty job you hate. Really stuck it to the fucking system there, Anon."
>He shrugs
>"Like I said, I don't know what I was thinking. I just... There's just something about books, and how you really get a glimpse into people from their writing. I'm sure you've written stuff over the centuries."
"I have."
>"So—"
"No."
>Anon laughs again and nods
>"Anyways, it's not going to be like this forever, though, you know? Things will go better in some way. Maybe I can get an agent or something. Not going to be working at a hardware store for the rest of my life..."
"You know how you go to some department store, like a Walmart or something, and there's always that one sad looking, elderly fuck? That's you in the future."
>Anon lets out a long sigh
>"You really know how to cheer a guy up."
>He rubs his face with his hands and groans
>"Has anyone ever told you that you're a bit of a downer before?"
"People who always try to find a 'bright side' to things are the worst."
>"Let me guess. You're not a pessimist. You're a realist."
"Oh shut up. It's not like there was a shortage of negative energy here over the thousand years I'd fed off of it."
>"I almost forgot you mentioned that. So, you're like a vampire, but instead of sucking blood, you just make things suck instead."
>Oh ha ha, very funny
>You swear Sonata's said something very similar before
>An uneasy silence settles between the two of you again
"I can tell that you don't really buy what I'm telling you."
>"Well, you kind of make me feel like this is a huge prank where you're just trying to make me believe in something ridiculous so you can shit on me more."
"This is why I don't talk to people. You can just go back to forgetting I'm even here."
>Anon sighs as you stand to leave once again
>"Look, maybe we can try hanging out or something... You know, tomorrow. Or, today, but after the whole sleeping thing. You know what I mean."
>You don't say anything
>Instead, you just walk on into your room and close the door
>You look to the clock
>4:37 AM
>Lying back down on the bed, you stare at the ceiling
>You can still smell Anon's soup
>Fuck
>Fuck that guy
>He's probably going to be pestering you tomorrow to do something retarded
>Just like Sonata
>Annoying and cloying
>Yeah, maybe it's been months and the two of you haven't done a single thing together
>But being roommates doesn't require talking or "hanging out" or shit
>He even said it himself
>People are who they are
>This is just who you are
>You're a no-friends person
>You're a lot better at pushing people away, and you've gotten good at it
>If you were supposed to have friends, you'd have them
>If you were supposed to be happy, you would be
>All you've ever had were Adagio and Sonata
>It took a thousand years, but you finally pushed them away to go off on your own
>And see, you really are that loner you always thought you were
>Yeah...
>God you're a fucking idiot
>You have no idea where the two of them could be these days
>Adagio couldn't even work the typewriter when that came around, so you couldn't just e-mail her
>You really did a great job of making sure you'd never see them again
>Fucking hated them every second, of every year, of every century
>Yet here you were, wishing you could've stopped yourself from leaving
>If you saw them again, you'd probably just go back to hating them
>So what would be the point?
>Why do you care so much?
>Sonata's stupid cutesy shit
>Adagio's constant schemes
>You hated all of that
>Now you're free of it
>That's what you wanted, right?
>Spending all your time, lying in bed, just letting yourself wallow
>You were usually too busy with one of the girls to ever get much time like this to yourself
>And now you've had months of it
>You look at the clock
>4:39 AM
>How could months pass this way, you wonder
>You tried not to look at the clock for the rest of the night
>Strange how time seemed to work when you were cooped up
>Minutes took hours to pass, yet days were passing by before you could even really grasp them
>Seemed paradoxical, but true
>Why couldn't you just sleep?
>Such a fucking hassle
>Sleep would eventually take you as it always did, though
>Tonight was no different
>Normally, waking up was a long affair
>You'd give yourself a sort of grace period after gaining some semblance of consciousness
>Use that time to just stay under the covers and pseudo-sleep
>Waking up and getting out of bed could happen hours apart
>A loud knock rapped against your bedroom door
>"Aria, are you up?"
>Fuck
>Fuck waking up
>You pull the covers down from over your head, light peering in to the room from your window
>That's not normal
"Anon... What time is it?"
>"I don't know. Like 11 AM or something."
"Are you fucking kidding me?! Who the fuck wakes up this early? This is literally the first time I've been able to see the sun in my room since I've started living here, and I don't fucking like it."
>You hear Anon laugh from behind your door
>"11 AM is not early. Did I seriously wake you up?"
"3 PM IS MY MORNING, ASSHOLE."
>You fling the covers back over yourself, shielding your eyes from the sunlight
>"Sheesh, sorry. I just thought you might want to hang out or something."
"Go be an idiot somewhere else for a bit, and then go kill yourself."
>There's no response
>Fuck
>Well, now you're awake
>And in the 'actual' morning, like a retard
>There's no way you got more than a few hours of sleep
>You feel like shit
>Going back to sleep would just fuck your days up even more...
>Anon's basically forced you to get up
>You lurch out of bed as every cell in your body screams at you
>How fucking lazy have you become these days?
>You do your morning routine: shower, brush teeth, cloth self
>Sort of glad your motivation for hygiene hasn't completely fallen through
>Once you're ready, you head into the apartment's 'living room' of sorts
>Anon's there sitting on the sofa, reading some book
>You decide to take a seat on a nearby chair
"Sorry for being a bit crabby earlier."
>"You mean unlike how you are the rest of the time?" he says, smirking
"Okay, fuck you, I'm taking back my apology. Can you ever cut it with that shit?"
>"Force of habit, sorry."
>Anon leans back in the sofa and stretches before setting his book on a coffee table
>He clears his throat as silence sets in between you
"Well? You said you wanted to do something?"
>"Right... Okay, I didn't think this far ahead last night. I was tired."
>Why did you even humor this guy again?
"Fucking amazing. So, we can just do nothing, just like we've been doing for the past few months. Fine by me."
>"Oh, come on, Aria. We could go watch a movie or something?"
"I can watch a movie by myself. I've never understood doing shit like that with other people as some sort of fucking group activity. 'Oh, let's sit in a dark room and not talk to each other or acknowledge anyone's existence as we turn off our brains for a couple hours!'"
>"You must be fun at parties."
>You grunt as he spouts off another stupid one-liner
>"How about... Well, we could just talk more I guess."
"About?"
>Anon shrugs
>"I'm trying my best."
>You shrug as well
>Why were you two even doing this shit?
>You weren't friends
>You hardly knew each other
>You didn't even fucking talk before last night
>If Anon fucked off, you'd have more time to fuck around on the computer and do nothing all day
>Yeah
"If you're so desperate to talk to someone, you could go out and look for someone who might put up with you. If that person exists."
>"I'm sure it's that easy. God, how do people meet people after college?"
"How do you go through life without knowing basic shit like how to make friends?"
>"I don't know. Why don't I have my 'one thousand year old' roommate with no friends tell me how that happens?"
>Well...
>He had you there
>You let out a sigh, letting yourself sink into your chair
>"No 'fuck you'?"
"No."
>Anon squirms a bit
>"Sorry."
>The two of you sit, staring off into space, the low whir of the apartment's heater the only noise in the room
>"Maybe we can talk about shit we hate. You like hating things, right?"
"Can you cut it with the sarcasm?"
>"I'm not being sarcastic. Talking can be fun and shit, right? Or something? If this turns out okay, then we'll have something to do when 'nothing' starts boring us."
>Anon was right, you supposed
>So, what was it that you wanted to talk about then?
>What did you hate?
>Lots of choices...
"You know what I hate?"
>"Now what would that be?"
"I hate that I hate so much shit."
>"Aria, please, this was supposed to be simple," Anon says with an exasperated tone
>You laugh
"It's true, though."
>"If so, I guess you could just stop being a constant grouch."
>Ha
>If being so prone to hating shit was easy as "just stopping," you'd be one happy camper
>Aside from the fact that camping was retarded
>You wouldn't make for a happy camper at all
"Like we were talking about last night, maybe people are just the way they are. Shit sucks. 'Whole world's a stage' and all that."
>"More like the whole world's your lawn, and everyone's on it."
"Oh shut up!"
>Anon snorts
>"I'm sorry, I just can't help it."
"This is why you have no friends. Wake people up at ungodly times of day just to piss 'em the fuck off."
>Anon chuckles to himself
>It's not long before another uneasy silence sets in
>Both of you must fucking suck at keeping a conversation going
>Not like you've had a lot of practice
>Anon certainly hasn't had much either
>He starts to hum quietly to himself
>You grumble
"Ugh... So, what do you hate, Anon?"
>He leans back
"Today, please."
>"I don't know. My job."
>You bring your hands up to your temples in fists, making a sarcastic exploding noise as you slowly open them up
>"Yes, I know, riveting stuff. But still, it's just the day-in, day-out drag of—"
"Nobody cares. You don't even care. That's how monotonous shit works. No one wants to hear you drone on about how boring shit makes you feel bored."
>"I meant to say I hate my job because of all the life-or-death, high stakes operations I partake in, blurring the lines of morality and forcing me to make decisions with no right answers. Should I ask if this guy wants our membership card, or not?!"
"Fucking fascinating."
>He rolls his eyes at you, and you do the same back
>You wanted to strangle the life out of him, for relatively petty reasons, and in a sort of good way
>Positive antagonism, perhaps
>Talking shit to someone else was sort of fun
>You got the feeling Anon was being mostly facetious
>That was fine though
>You had enough genuine distaste to go around
>"Honestly," Anon chimes, "really hate-hating shit is retarded. Word's thrown around so much it's meaningless. It seems difficult to even really hate anything these days."
"Speak for yourself."
>"It just feels like people say 'hate' when they really mean 'sort of dislike.' Like, you hate when I make soup."
"True."
>"But do you really HATE it? Or is it just some thing where you're supposed to get all upset over nothing because you're bored?"
"Are you actually implying that I just 'sort of dislike' some of the stupid shit you do?"
>Anon scratches at his throat
>"Okay, maybe you're a bad example. But still, it seems like bullshit to me. Maybe I'm just dumb. How can people feel visceral hate for inane shit?"
>You raise an eyebrow
>How don't you hate inane shit?
>Doesn't that just make it all the worse?
>Maybe in the moment it's this sort of listless, forced hate, but...
>Okay, maybe you do just overreact to inane shit
>What else are you supposed to react to?
>Just blow up over leaving the others, every moment of every night?
>That'd be exhausting
>It's the little things that build up
"You can't seriously tell me you don't hate anything. You're not a fucking saint."
>"I guess I'm just really apathetic."
"I'm sure if you act aloof enough your life'll turn out awesome."
>"I'm not apathetic, I'm ambivalent, thank you very much. Can't get angry if you go in with zero expectations."
>Anon plays up his words with manufactured glee
"Sounds fulfilling."
>"Better than brooding for a thousand years like some Twilight vampire."
>You scoff
"I'm a siren."