How to Be Single (2016)

1
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There is a right way to be single.

2
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Hey. How are you?

3
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Hi.

4
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Oh, when's your wedding?

5
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Eighteen months
after I meet the right guy.

6
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Okay.

7
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And a wrong way to be single.

8
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And then there's this guy.

9
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Good morning.

10
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Hi. You want a hand with that?

11
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We're embarrassed to admit we're single,
and try to pretend that we're not.

12
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We need you in Exam Room 3.

13
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We're supposed to act
all cheerful and happy about it.

14
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What?

15
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But why should we be embarrassed?

16
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We're living longer, marrying later

17
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and refusing to leave the party
before we're really, really done.

18
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So, why do we always tell our
stories through relationships?

19
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Where's home?

20
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Oh, I'm not going home.

21
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No way.

22
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Shit.

23
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Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

24
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- Here, here.
- Oh, my God, oh, my God...

25
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I gotcha. Here you go.

26
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I did not think this through.

27
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I'm Josh.

28
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I'm Alice.

29
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But this story isn't about relationships.

30
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It's about all those times in between

31
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when maybe, just maybe,
our real life is happening.

32
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This isn't a break-up. Okay?

33
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We're just taking some time apart.

34
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It's temporary. Like, it's...
You know, it's like a break.

35
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Bullshit!

36
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Josh, I've never been on my own.

37
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I went from living with my parents,
to living in a dorm, to living with you.

38
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But we're happy, Alice.

39
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- Are we?
- Yeah.

40
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Or are we just boring?

41
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I'm not boring. I'm fucking fun.

42
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I say I'm gonna do things all the time,
and I never, ever do them.

43
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Like, I'm gonna learn to cook,
or take a self-defense class

44
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or I'm gonna hike the Grand Canyon,
and I never, ever do it.

45
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That's not my fault.

46
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You said the boots made your feet hurt.

47
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Look, if we really want this
to work long term...

48
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I need to know who I am alone and I don't
want to spend my life wondering "What if?"

49
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This is stupid.

50
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The minute you walk out of here you're
gonna realize how much shit I do for you

51
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and how great I am and how much you need
me, and you're gonna start stalking me.

52
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And that's sad.

53
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This is gonna be great for both of us.

54
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Yeah.

55
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We need to know what it's like
to be single, at least once.

56
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Can't you just fuck one of my friends?

57
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Just do something to make me hate you.

58
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This is gonna be the right thing.

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Oh, God.

60
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I'm gonna miss your boobs.

61
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No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

62
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Does this make it work?

63
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Yes! Yes.

64
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There, good. Good.

65
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No. No, no.

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Yes. Yes. Okay.

67
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Yes. Yes, yes, good. Oh!

68
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Whoa! Whoa!

69
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Whoa! Whoa! Oh! Oh! Oh!

70
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What the hell are you doing here?

71
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I'm cooking you breakfast!

72
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No, okay. I don't do breakfast.

73
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Right? You need to get out!

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You're in my apartment!

75
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Put the...

76
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This is not my apartment.

77
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Fuck. Sorry.

78
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I might be a little drunk.

79
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Oh.

80
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I might actually
wipe my fingerprints off that.

81
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You were great last night.

82
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- Was I?
- I can't remember.

83
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Okay, let's go to your happy place.

84
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What if I poop?

85
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- I won't even notice.
- Oh, God.

86
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It's totally natural.

87
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Women have been doing this
for thousands of years, okay?

88
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Yeah? How many babies have you had?

89
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Well, I've delivered about 3,000 of them.

90
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Didn't you want one?

91
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You know what?

92
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I just felt like society
doesn't let you pursue your dreams

93
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once you have children.

94
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And I didn't feel like
I wanted to give up my identity

95
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to be a slave to some
tiny little love-terrorist.

96
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You know? Plus, your body falls to
shit, and you have no time to exercise

97
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and forget about sleep
for the rest of your life, right?

98
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Oh, no, honey! No, no, no,
no, no, no. You can do it!

99
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No, I can't. My body went to shit.

100
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My body went to shit. It did.

101
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And my vagina's so loose, already!

102
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- Let's push!
- Okay.

103
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Yay!

104
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Is that poop or a baby?

105
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It's not a baby.

106
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Robin? This is Alice, our new paralegal.

107
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Will you give her the tour, please?

108
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Yes, of course.

109
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Thank you.

110
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Hi, I'm Alice.

111
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- Hi.
- It's so nice to meet you.

112
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Yeah. Oh, sorry,
my hands are a little bit creamy.

113
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Okay. All right.

114
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Welcome to the law firm of some guy,
some other guy, and some Jewish guy.

115
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Just kidding. They're all Jewish.

116
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I'm really excited to be here.

117
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This was actually one of my top choices.

118
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That closet there, is really
good for making personal calls.

119
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But whatever you do,
do not hook up in this copy room.

120
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One, it's just, like, so cliché.

121
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And two, there's a security camera.

122
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Oh, I'm not really hooking up
with anybody right now

123
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because recently, I actually...

124
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Yeah, I know what you're thinking.

125
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They do record the footage.

126
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So, unless a leaked sex tape
is part of your two-year plan,

127
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I'd recommend hooking up in the...

128
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You'll never know our secrets.

129
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You'll never know!

130
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Whoo!

131
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Excuse me. That's none of your business.

132
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You're kind of making it
my business, here.

133
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Look, I just moved in upstairs
and my Wi-Fi sucks.

134
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So, if I have to listen to every drunk
asshole stumble out of here at 5:00 a.m.,

135
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I'm at least gonna use your free Internet.

136
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Wow. Okay, hi. Um...

137
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- I'm Tom. And...
- Hi.

138
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If you're gonna be using my free Wi-Fi,

139
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at least you can do me a favor
and not write shit like,

140
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"I want to wake up with my best friend."

141
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Unless you want my dick to fall off.

142
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And then maybe we could become
best friends, and that'd be awesome.

143
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Look, I spent half of last year
creating an algorithm

144
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that trolls dating apps
for the best candidates

145
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and downloads them
into an Excel spreadsheet.

146
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So, I know what I'm looking for.

147
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Yeah, that's not weird at all.

148
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What are you really doing online?

149
00:09:05,040 --> 00:09:06,485
I mean, you're a pretty girl.

150
00:09:06,640 --> 00:09:07,641
This is New York City.

151
00:09:07,840 --> 00:09:09,410
There's like a billion people
outside that door.

152
00:09:09,600 --> 00:09:11,568
Yeah, but how many eligible people?

153
00:09:11,760 --> 00:09:15,321
Here. Okay, there are eight
million people in this city.

154
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- Sounds like a lot, right?
- It does.

155
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But, half of them are women.

156
00:09:19,560 --> 00:09:23,250
And as hard as I tried in college,
I don't swing that way.

157
00:09:23,400 --> 00:09:24,765
- How hard did you try?
- Let it go.

158
00:09:24,960 --> 00:09:26,689
- Okay.
- So, four million men.

159
00:09:27,160 --> 00:09:28,764
And then you got to have some age limits.

160
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- Let's say over 20.
- Gotta keep it legal.

161
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- Under 40.
- Keep it sexy.

162
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Now, it's a million.

163
00:09:33,800 --> 00:09:37,009
Right. We're talking about a million guys.

164
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But half of them are married.

165
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10% are gay.

166
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I want someone college educated.

167
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Not too ugly.

168
00:09:46,040 --> 00:09:48,202
- So...
- There's your boyfriend.

169
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I wish.

170
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He's got to be taller than me...

171
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And he's got to want kids.

172
00:09:57,200 --> 00:10:00,443
So, yeah, I'm on 10 different
dating websites to increase my odds.

173
00:10:00,600 --> 00:10:01,761
So, what do you say?

174
00:10:01,920 --> 00:10:03,365
You let me treat this bar
like it's my living room

175
00:10:03,520 --> 00:10:06,364
and I won't call the cops every night
with a noise complaint.

176
00:10:07,680 --> 00:10:08,841
Okay. Very cute.

177
00:10:09,240 --> 00:10:10,890
- These are the women?
- Hmm.

178
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Thanks.

179
00:10:13,120 --> 00:10:14,929
Mmm. Mmm.

180
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See you around.

181
00:10:16,960 --> 00:10:18,121
Stupid.

182
00:10:18,360 --> 00:10:19,361
Have a nice night.

183
00:10:19,520 --> 00:10:21,522
Wait. What? Where are you going?

184
00:10:21,840 --> 00:10:24,128
- I'm going home.
- What?

185
00:10:24,280 --> 00:10:27,011
I never want to hear you
say that again. Ugh!

186
00:10:27,240 --> 00:10:30,801
You're single now, okay?
You do not go home!

187
00:10:31,000 --> 00:10:32,240
You shouldn't even have a home.

188
00:10:32,440 --> 00:10:33,885
You should just have 500 square feet

189
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where you keep some clothes
and occasionally bathe.

190
00:10:36,120 --> 00:10:38,771
Well, okay, technically,
I'm not, like, single.

191
00:10:38,920 --> 00:10:39,967
We're just on a break.

192
00:10:40,160 --> 00:10:43,321
Uh, there's no such thing as a "break,"
Season-3 Ross.

193
00:10:43,480 --> 00:10:44,766
No, we really are on a break.

194
00:10:44,920 --> 00:10:46,445
We're just taking
a little bit of time apart

195
00:10:46,600 --> 00:10:48,648
to make sure
we really want to be together.

196
00:10:48,800 --> 00:10:51,201
Oh, so you're on some
kind of sexual rumspringa?

197
00:10:51,360 --> 00:10:53,328
- No.
- Why didn't you say anything?

198
00:10:53,480 --> 00:10:54,925
I could've made you take a half-day!

199
00:10:55,120 --> 00:10:56,121
It was my first day at work.

200
00:10:56,320 --> 00:10:57,367
Rumspringa!

201
00:10:57,520 --> 00:10:59,568
What? No! Where are we going?

202
00:10:59,840 --> 00:11:01,968
Ask me for a rum and coke
if you think you're gonna die.

203
00:11:02,120 --> 00:11:03,451
Get out of here!

204
00:11:03,720 --> 00:11:07,805
Uh... You said on your profile
you're a big dreamer.

205
00:11:08,240 --> 00:11:09,241
No, please.

206
00:11:09,400 --> 00:11:12,802
No, no, I think I want
what everybody wants.

207
00:11:12,960 --> 00:11:14,962
Cross off some things on the bucket list.

208
00:11:15,120 --> 00:11:17,600
So, what is on your bucket list?

209
00:11:17,760 --> 00:11:18,761
Usual stuff.

210
00:11:18,920 --> 00:11:20,365
- Uh, Wrigley Fields.
- Mmm...

211
00:11:20,520 --> 00:11:21,646
- Dolphin Trainer.
- Oh, boy.

212
00:11:21,800 --> 00:11:24,007
Oh, my God. I love dolphins.

213
00:11:24,200 --> 00:11:25,440
Loved, since forever.

214
00:11:25,600 --> 00:11:28,444
Wow, no, no, you know, because the normal
ones are already checked off, you know?

215
00:11:28,680 --> 00:11:30,125
- Mmm-hmm.
- Hot Carl.

216
00:11:30,960 --> 00:11:32,121
- Dirty Sanchez.
- Yeah, that's...

217
00:11:32,280 --> 00:11:33,770
- Golden Shower. That one.
- Oh.

218
00:11:33,960 --> 00:11:35,644
I actually checked off by accident.

219
00:11:35,960 --> 00:11:37,041
Thank you, prom.

220
00:11:37,200 --> 00:11:40,647
So, these aren't career goals
or life goals.

221
00:11:40,840 --> 00:11:43,446
These are more sexual things.

222
00:11:43,640 --> 00:11:45,051
Have you ever heard of the Whack-a-Mole?

223
00:11:45,280 --> 00:11:46,281
Rum and coke.

224
00:11:46,480 --> 00:11:47,766
Rum and Coke? Really?

225
00:11:47,960 --> 00:11:50,246
I didn't think you'd want to do a Rum
and Coke with me on our first date.

226
00:11:50,480 --> 00:11:52,801
- Um, rum and coke?
- I got to find a live hamster.

227
00:11:52,960 --> 00:11:54,007
So, I guess I could trap a street rat.

228
00:11:54,160 --> 00:11:55,161
I mean, we are in New York.

229
00:11:55,360 --> 00:11:57,169
- Rum and coke!
- I got to go shave my legs.

230
00:11:57,360 --> 00:11:59,567
- Drink more water.
- Oh. Okay.

231
00:11:59,720 --> 00:12:00,721
Yo.

232
00:12:01,840 --> 00:12:03,046
Go lock yourself in my office.

233
00:12:03,240 --> 00:12:04,366
Thank you.

234
00:12:05,720 --> 00:12:07,290
Here we go.

235
00:12:07,960 --> 00:12:10,884
Let me teach you how to be single.

236
00:12:11,320 --> 00:12:14,449
Okay, lesson one. Go get us some drinks.

237
00:12:14,600 --> 00:12:15,761
Okay.

238
00:12:16,120 --> 00:12:17,645
No. That was a trick.

239
00:12:18,080 --> 00:12:20,606
You don't buy the drinks.
Boys buy the drinks.

240
00:12:20,800 --> 00:12:24,202
It's kind of like a sexual currency
that they use,

241
00:12:24,360 --> 00:12:26,488
so they're not actually
paying you to hook up.

242
00:12:27,000 --> 00:12:28,570
So, go get us a drink.

243
00:12:28,720 --> 00:12:30,882
- Okay.
- Not... Not with this wallet.

244
00:12:31,040 --> 00:12:32,644
- Okay.
- With the sausage wallet.

245
00:12:32,800 --> 00:12:33,847
Which of you is buying oil right now?

246
00:12:34,000 --> 00:12:35,001
Do you know how much...

247
00:12:35,200 --> 00:12:36,725
Hey, what's up, y'all?

248
00:12:37,160 --> 00:12:38,730
I don't know why I just said "y'all."

249
00:12:38,920 --> 00:12:41,446
"You all" would have taken
just as much time.

250
00:12:41,880 --> 00:12:44,929
And I'm not even from the South,
I'm from Portland.

251
00:12:45,280 --> 00:12:48,363
Which is southern from Canada.

252
00:12:48,520 --> 00:12:49,601
Are y'all Canadian?

253
00:12:49,760 --> 00:12:51,808
I just did it again, I said it again.

254
00:12:52,240 --> 00:12:53,810
My system should have weeded him out.

255
00:12:54,000 --> 00:12:55,650
You probably read your data wrong.

256
00:12:56,040 --> 00:12:58,008
I bet that guy told you
exactly who he was.

257
00:12:58,160 --> 00:12:59,286
You just didn't want to hear it.

258
00:12:59,440 --> 00:13:01,010
I tell the truth to girls all the time.

259
00:13:01,160 --> 00:13:02,685
They hear what they want to hear.

260
00:13:02,880 --> 00:13:04,405
That sounds like a load of crap.

261
00:13:05,800 --> 00:13:08,167
I'm not kidding. Watch this.

262
00:13:08,760 --> 00:13:10,842
- Hey, sweetheart. Hey.
- Hi.

263
00:13:11,000 --> 00:13:14,049
Hey, uh, you know we're only
sleeping together for fun, right?

264
00:13:14,240 --> 00:13:16,447
Because I'm not interested
in long-term relationships,

265
00:13:16,600 --> 00:13:19,680
so I think I'm gonna start seeing other
people and I think you should move on, too.

266
00:13:19,840 --> 00:13:22,605
Because I care about you,

267
00:13:22,760 --> 00:13:24,603
and I don't want to see you get hurt.

268
00:13:24,760 --> 00:13:27,445
Oh, I care about you, too.

269
00:13:27,960 --> 00:13:29,485
Yeah. Hmm.

270
00:13:32,920 --> 00:13:33,921
Wow.

271
00:13:34,280 --> 00:13:37,284
You guys are super dressed-up. Funeral?

272
00:13:38,160 --> 00:13:39,446
Oh, my God. Okay, bye.

273
00:13:39,600 --> 00:13:40,931
That was a really bad idea.

274
00:13:41,080 --> 00:13:42,969
This is stupid.
I should probably just go home.

275
00:13:43,120 --> 00:13:44,121
- It's better.
- No, are you kidding?

276
00:13:44,280 --> 00:13:47,723
You have a small window in which to
bang your way through New York City.

277
00:13:47,880 --> 00:13:50,804
No, Josh and I didn't break up
so I could see other people.

278
00:13:50,960 --> 00:13:52,724
I'm trying to figure out who I am.

279
00:13:53,200 --> 00:13:57,368
Then why don't you take this,
go home and stare at your beave?

280
00:13:58,280 --> 00:14:00,203
Look, I'm just gonna
choose for you. All right?

281
00:14:00,440 --> 00:14:02,329
Um... I know.

282
00:14:02,480 --> 00:14:05,165
I would like to see your tongue
in that bartender's face.

283
00:14:05,360 --> 00:14:06,361
What?

284
00:14:06,520 --> 00:14:07,601
Don't worry, I know him.

285
00:14:07,760 --> 00:14:09,524
He's like a palate cleanser.
He's sexual sorbet.

286
00:14:09,680 --> 00:14:10,681
That guy?

287
00:14:10,880 --> 00:14:12,609
Yeah. I've heard he's really good in bed.

288
00:14:12,760 --> 00:14:15,127
From myself,
because I might have slept with him.

289
00:14:15,280 --> 00:14:16,441
I can't really remember.

290
00:14:16,600 --> 00:14:18,011
Maybe, uh... It was winter.

291
00:14:18,160 --> 00:14:20,527
Maybe I just used his dick
as a scarf. Let's go.

292
00:14:20,680 --> 00:14:21,681
What?

293
00:14:21,920 --> 00:14:22,967
Hey, Tom.

294
00:14:23,120 --> 00:14:26,646
This is Alice. She's newly single and
needs to hook up with a random stranger.

295
00:14:26,960 --> 00:14:28,928
Let me buy you a drink. Here you go.

296
00:14:29,080 --> 00:14:30,366
- Thanks.
- Uh, thanks.

297
00:14:31,680 --> 00:14:33,967
Let me buy you a drink.

298
00:14:34,480 --> 00:14:35,686
Welcome to the party.

299
00:14:36,680 --> 00:14:37,681
Umm, cheers.

300
00:14:40,480 --> 00:14:42,289
Whoo!

301
00:14:42,840 --> 00:14:44,808
Come on! Yeah! Ha!

302
00:14:55,240 --> 00:14:56,446
- Hi!
- Yeah!

303
00:15:00,200 --> 00:15:01,201
- Hey.
- Hi.

304
00:15:16,920 --> 00:15:18,888
Whoa! Whoa!

305
00:15:19,320 --> 00:15:21,004
She just hit you in the face!

306
00:15:22,320 --> 00:15:23,890
- Oh!
- Rumspringa!

307
00:15:36,640 --> 00:15:37,766
Morning, sunshine.

308
00:15:37,920 --> 00:15:38,921
No.

309
00:15:41,600 --> 00:15:44,410
No, Meg! Ow!

310
00:15:45,000 --> 00:15:46,365
Oh, my God.

311
00:15:46,520 --> 00:15:48,170
Wakey-wakey.

312
00:15:51,240 --> 00:15:52,810
A doctor?

313
00:15:53,040 --> 00:15:55,486
Did I have sex with a doctor?
Did we have sex?

314
00:15:56,280 --> 00:15:57,361
- No.
- No?

315
00:15:57,560 --> 00:15:59,244
No, we didn't have sex.

316
00:15:59,400 --> 00:16:01,528
- I didn't sleep with anybody?
- No, I don't think so.

317
00:16:02,480 --> 00:16:03,686
Why does it smell like weed in here?

318
00:16:03,840 --> 00:16:05,842
- You have a little...
- What?

319
00:16:06,000 --> 00:16:07,650
It's in your hair now.

320
00:16:07,800 --> 00:16:10,007
It's just right...

321
00:16:10,520 --> 00:16:11,521
- What?
- It...

322
00:16:11,720 --> 00:16:13,529
No, I just have long eyelashes.

323
00:16:14,280 --> 00:16:16,760
It's a... You have a joint clinging...

324
00:16:16,960 --> 00:16:18,007
Oh...

325
00:16:18,600 --> 00:16:20,204
Yay! Free coffee!

326
00:16:23,400 --> 00:16:26,131
Uh, take two Tylenol,
and make yourself some breakfast.

327
00:16:26,280 --> 00:16:27,361
I love you.

328
00:16:27,520 --> 00:16:29,602
Love, love you.

329
00:16:30,480 --> 00:16:33,563
Your roommate seems pretty cool.

330
00:16:34,920 --> 00:16:36,763
Oh, she's my sister.

331
00:16:37,440 --> 00:16:38,646
- Really?
- Mmm-hmm.

332
00:16:39,120 --> 00:16:41,964
Uh, then I think I might have pissed
in your sister's litter box.

333
00:16:43,680 --> 00:16:44,681
That's a Zen garden.

334
00:16:44,880 --> 00:16:46,450
The cat has a Zen garden?

335
00:16:46,600 --> 00:16:47,601
There's no cat.

336
00:16:48,480 --> 00:16:49,481
Where am I?

337
00:16:49,640 --> 00:16:51,768
I knew I had sex in this apartment!

338
00:16:51,920 --> 00:16:53,331
- Oh, yeah.
- What's up?

339
00:16:54,400 --> 00:16:56,448
Okay, where are we?

340
00:16:56,600 --> 00:16:59,570
- Um, Broadway and 77th.
- Um...

341
00:16:59,720 --> 00:17:02,451
We have to be at work in 30 minutes,
so we should probably go this way.

342
00:17:02,600 --> 00:17:04,364
It's okay, I can do this in 20.

343
00:17:04,520 --> 00:17:05,681
- Wait, do what?
- Let's go.

344
00:17:05,840 --> 00:17:07,205
- Wait, do what?
- Time me!

345
00:17:10,160 --> 00:17:11,321
Step one.

346
00:17:11,480 --> 00:17:12,970
That stuff is for babies.

347
00:17:13,240 --> 00:17:14,241
Babies with hangovers.

348
00:17:21,240 --> 00:17:23,527
Baba, are we good?

349
00:17:25,200 --> 00:17:26,804
Payment accepted. Let's go.

350
00:17:51,000 --> 00:17:52,001
Hi!

351
00:17:52,280 --> 00:17:53,884
Yeah, hi. I'm really interested

352
00:17:54,040 --> 00:17:58,166
in buying a lot of your products but first
I need you to put all of them on my face,

353
00:17:58,320 --> 00:18:00,288
in a very nice way, for free.

354
00:18:01,280 --> 00:18:03,726
I'm gonna need a full face,
with a side of "Wow."

355
00:18:03,880 --> 00:18:04,881
Okay.

356
00:18:07,520 --> 00:18:09,249
Mimosa, hold the orange juice.

357
00:18:09,960 --> 00:18:11,166
Here. Come on. Gimme.

358
00:18:24,400 --> 00:18:25,401
Nailed it.

359
00:18:25,640 --> 00:18:27,290
You're three-and-a-half hours late.

360
00:18:27,760 --> 00:18:29,762
Yay! Lunchtime!

361
00:18:31,760 --> 00:18:32,761
And don't worry about the weight.

362
00:18:32,960 --> 00:18:35,008
It should come off
after you stop nursing the infant.

363
00:18:35,240 --> 00:18:38,050
- Katie. That's her name.
- Oh, okay.

364
00:18:38,200 --> 00:18:39,804
Oh, no. I have to pee.

365
00:18:39,960 --> 00:18:41,485
It just falls out of me these days.

366
00:18:41,680 --> 00:18:42,681
- Can you hold...
- No, no, no, no, no.

367
00:18:42,880 --> 00:18:44,211
I'm not good with babies.

368
00:18:46,000 --> 00:18:48,810
Hello. How are you today?

369
00:18:49,280 --> 00:18:51,760
Your mom should be coming back soon.

370
00:18:52,480 --> 00:18:55,086
Is, um, Katie short for Katherine?

371
00:18:56,640 --> 00:18:59,644
See, some women
would look at what you just did

372
00:18:59,800 --> 00:19:01,370
and think that you smiled.

373
00:19:01,520 --> 00:19:03,124
But, because I'm a doctor,

374
00:19:03,280 --> 00:19:07,763
I know that that was probably
just an involuntary tic, or gas.

375
00:19:09,400 --> 00:19:10,561
You know what?

376
00:19:10,720 --> 00:19:14,682
You're not that cute,
and I am not falling for it.

377
00:19:14,880 --> 00:19:18,248
So, you just keep trying, but it is "no."

378
00:19:21,360 --> 00:19:22,885
Shut up, baby.

379
00:19:23,040 --> 00:19:26,203
And, you know what? Don't touch that,
because that's not very sanitary.

380
00:19:26,360 --> 00:19:27,930
Yeah.

381
00:19:28,120 --> 00:19:31,124
Germs are little bugs,
like little microbes

382
00:19:31,280 --> 00:19:34,204
that get into your mouth,
and they make you sick.

383
00:19:34,520 --> 00:19:37,171
So, you eat your shoe.

384
00:19:40,840 --> 00:19:43,764
You are not winning me over.
No, you're not.

385
00:19:44,440 --> 00:19:46,488
Why do you put everything in your mouth?

386
00:19:46,640 --> 00:19:50,008
Hello. Hi.

387
00:20:01,280 --> 00:20:04,249
And so we're clear,
there are a lot of people in this world

388
00:20:04,400 --> 00:20:06,767
who need things like you in their lives,

389
00:20:06,920 --> 00:20:08,445
to feel complete.

390
00:20:08,640 --> 00:20:12,964
I am not one of them.
I am fine without you.

391
00:20:26,960 --> 00:20:28,564
Fine. You win.

392
00:20:40,560 --> 00:20:42,881
If Tom texts you, which he won't,
because it's still daylight,

393
00:20:43,040 --> 00:20:44,485
wait four hours to respond.

394
00:20:44,680 --> 00:20:46,762
I was not even thinking about Tom.

395
00:20:46,920 --> 00:20:49,127
Anything sooner implies
that you're needy and really co-dependent

396
00:20:49,280 --> 00:20:51,801
and incapable of a simple hookup,
which is all he's good for.

397
00:20:51,960 --> 00:20:53,644
I think that I could actually
be, like, a good...

398
00:20:53,800 --> 00:20:55,564
And, when you respond,
do not respond in full sentences.

399
00:20:55,720 --> 00:20:56,721
Okay.

400
00:20:56,920 --> 00:20:58,684
And if you use an emoji,
I will fucking tit-punch you.

401
00:20:59,000 --> 00:21:00,001
Fine.

402
00:21:00,240 --> 00:21:01,287
Fine.

403
00:21:12,520 --> 00:21:14,409
No! No! Oh, no.

404
00:21:14,560 --> 00:21:16,210
You can have this back
at the end of the day.

405
00:21:16,440 --> 00:21:17,441
Fine.

406
00:21:17,800 --> 00:21:18,881
An emoji?

407
00:21:19,160 --> 00:21:22,528
Oh! Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.

408
00:21:25,400 --> 00:21:27,084
- This is so dumb.
- Okay.

409
00:21:27,240 --> 00:21:28,685
It's not like I don't know
you're bad for me.

410
00:21:28,840 --> 00:21:29,841
Sure.

411
00:21:30,000 --> 00:21:31,126
And I'm not gonna be
one of those clichéd girls

412
00:21:31,280 --> 00:21:32,805
who thinks I can, like,
change you, or something.

413
00:21:32,960 --> 00:21:34,041
- No, you can't.
- No.

414
00:21:42,640 --> 00:21:43,641
I'm telling you.

415
00:21:43,840 --> 00:21:46,684
Sex? It's the best way
to find out what you want.

416
00:21:47,320 --> 00:21:49,322
Think about it,
the whole love thing, the whole,

417
00:21:49,480 --> 00:21:51,369
"I just want a guy
to notice when I'm cold."

418
00:21:51,520 --> 00:21:53,926
It's nice when a guy notices
when you're cold. It means he's...

419
00:21:54,120 --> 00:21:57,930
It means he's faking it, because he knows
that's what you want to hear.

420
00:21:58,080 --> 00:22:01,245
So, instead of being a psycho who pretends
that I give a shit if you're cold,

421
00:22:01,400 --> 00:22:03,164
I tell everyone the same thing.

422
00:22:03,320 --> 00:22:05,607
"If you're looking for the one,
that's not me.

423
00:22:06,040 --> 00:22:09,647
"If you're looking for the one
to have a little fun with, I'm that one."

424
00:22:10,400 --> 00:22:12,721
- Oh.
- Yep.

425
00:22:12,920 --> 00:22:16,367
- Whew!
- I've always been in relationships.

426
00:22:16,960 --> 00:22:18,962
But, I guess
that's just because I actually

427
00:22:19,120 --> 00:22:21,168
don't really know how to stay single.

428
00:22:21,360 --> 00:22:22,725
Then you came to the right place.

429
00:22:23,320 --> 00:22:26,403
The trick is to love them,
but get them to leave you.

430
00:22:26,560 --> 00:22:27,641
That way, nobody gets hurt.

431
00:22:27,800 --> 00:22:28,801
Check this out.

432
00:22:29,160 --> 00:22:30,650
What do all these things
have in common? Go.

433
00:22:32,240 --> 00:22:34,242
Um, ketchup and beer.

434
00:22:34,400 --> 00:22:36,084
Pickles, chocolate sauce.

435
00:22:36,520 --> 00:22:37,601
Are you pregnant?

436
00:22:37,760 --> 00:22:40,161
No, they can't be used to make breakfast.

437
00:22:40,320 --> 00:22:41,606
There's no reason
to stick around in the morning,

438
00:22:41,760 --> 00:22:42,966
because you can't make an omelet.

439
00:22:43,120 --> 00:22:45,202
Plus, no water. So, hungover chicks...

440
00:22:45,960 --> 00:22:47,405
You got to leave to survive.

441
00:22:47,560 --> 00:22:50,725
Except for that New York water is delicious
and you can just drink it from the tap.

442
00:22:50,880 --> 00:22:52,803
Yeah. But, uh...

443
00:22:53,360 --> 00:22:55,442
From... What...

444
00:22:55,640 --> 00:22:57,642
- Glass?
- Wow!

445
00:22:57,960 --> 00:22:58,961
You're a piece of work.

446
00:22:59,280 --> 00:23:00,281
Mmm-hmm.

447
00:23:03,480 --> 00:23:04,481
Glass.

448
00:23:04,680 --> 00:23:08,127
Okay, MacGyver, no woman's
gotten this far, but, um...

449
00:23:11,920 --> 00:23:13,410
You had a plumber cut your water?

450
00:23:13,560 --> 00:23:15,483
No. I did it myself.

451
00:23:15,640 --> 00:23:16,721
What if you need to wash your hands?

452
00:23:16,880 --> 00:23:18,041
What am I, a surgeon?

453
00:23:18,360 --> 00:23:19,771
What if you get thirsty?

454
00:23:22,600 --> 00:23:24,170
- Nice. Well done.
- Yeah, right?

455
00:23:24,320 --> 00:23:25,651
Totally thought it was a nightstand,
didn't you?

456
00:23:25,840 --> 00:23:27,080
You're a psycho.

457
00:23:27,240 --> 00:23:29,129
I'm not a psycho.
Look, most guys are like me,

458
00:23:29,280 --> 00:23:30,770
they're just not honest about it.

459
00:23:30,920 --> 00:23:32,081
I'm telling you,

460
00:23:33,000 --> 00:23:34,729
this is what it's like out there.

461
00:23:35,040 --> 00:23:37,441
Why are you telling me this?

462
00:23:37,920 --> 00:23:38,921
I don't know.

463
00:23:39,280 --> 00:23:42,443
It's just... You're different.

464
00:23:47,360 --> 00:23:49,124
Oh, my God.
That's the thing you say to girls.

465
00:23:49,320 --> 00:23:50,446
Yes, it is. Works, though, right?

466
00:23:50,600 --> 00:23:51,601
Completely.

467
00:23:51,800 --> 00:23:53,006
Anyway, end of the tour.

468
00:23:53,240 --> 00:23:55,686
And, um, this was fun.

469
00:24:00,040 --> 00:24:02,008
See you.

470
00:24:25,240 --> 00:24:26,241
Hi.

471
00:24:35,080 --> 00:24:36,366
Uh, mimosa?

472
00:24:36,840 --> 00:24:39,525
Uh, no, I'm actually
on my way to a meeting.

473
00:24:39,680 --> 00:24:42,729
So, I'm probably not gonna start drinking
at 8:30 on a Thursday.

474
00:24:43,200 --> 00:24:47,091
Yeah, no, I didn't...
I don't want one, either.

475
00:24:47,400 --> 00:24:50,404
Um, I got us chocolate chip pancakes
for the table, like we used to.

476
00:24:50,640 --> 00:24:54,326
Um, cool.
I don't have a lot of time, so...

477
00:24:54,480 --> 00:24:56,448
Okay, no, then I'll just get right to it.

478
00:24:58,240 --> 00:25:01,244
I'm done. I'm... I'm finally done.

479
00:25:02,960 --> 00:25:04,564
What? What are you done with?

480
00:25:04,720 --> 00:25:05,846
With our time apart.

481
00:25:06,000 --> 00:25:07,126
I know it's been really difficult.

482
00:25:07,280 --> 00:25:08,691
It's been difficult on both of us.

483
00:25:08,840 --> 00:25:12,561
But, I'm finally ready
for us to be together.

484
00:25:12,880 --> 00:25:15,201
And I'll never have to wonder
about anything else.

485
00:25:16,440 --> 00:25:17,441
I'm seeing someone.

486
00:25:20,920 --> 00:25:22,046
That is...

487
00:25:22,200 --> 00:25:23,247
Congratulations.

488
00:25:24,600 --> 00:25:25,601
Um...

489
00:25:25,840 --> 00:25:30,289
So, then, so, Josh, you want to just,
like, tell me when you're done, then?

490
00:25:30,440 --> 00:25:32,044
I don't know, Alice.

491
00:25:32,200 --> 00:25:33,884
Like, we can...
We'll just wait till you're done.

492
00:25:34,840 --> 00:25:35,966
Shit's different, I'm not...

493
00:25:36,120 --> 00:25:39,602
I'm not sure I want
the same things anymore.

494
00:25:44,000 --> 00:25:45,411
You mean, like, me?

495
00:25:48,520 --> 00:25:50,841
I didn't need an experiment
to know that I loved you.

496
00:25:53,080 --> 00:25:54,127
And I'm not an idiot.

497
00:25:54,320 --> 00:25:58,086
You're, I guess, done with
whatever you've been doing

498
00:25:58,280 --> 00:26:02,882
with whoever you've been doing, and you
think you can come running back to me?

499
00:26:03,080 --> 00:26:05,845
No, thanks. I'll pass.

500
00:26:09,080 --> 00:26:10,320
Who ordered pancakes?

501
00:26:13,040 --> 00:26:15,361
Meg, I'm not ready to be alone. I'm not.

502
00:26:15,640 --> 00:26:17,290
I don't know how to reset my router.

503
00:26:17,480 --> 00:26:18,481
I don't even know where it is.

504
00:26:18,680 --> 00:26:20,569
I don't even really know
what, exactly, it does.

505
00:26:21,400 --> 00:26:22,811
I'm gonna be alone forever.

506
00:26:23,400 --> 00:26:26,609
At least my dead body
will serve as food for my cats.

507
00:26:27,880 --> 00:26:30,406
In the eight weeks that it
takes for anybody to find me,

508
00:26:30,560 --> 00:26:32,164
because nobody gives a fuck.

509
00:26:32,360 --> 00:26:34,522
Why are you watching Bridget Jones?

510
00:26:34,680 --> 00:26:35,806
What did I tell you?

511
00:26:35,960 --> 00:26:37,166
It feels good in the moment.

512
00:26:37,360 --> 00:26:39,886
I know, but it's a bad idea.

513
00:26:40,040 --> 00:26:44,204
You get yourself all hopped up
on Sex and the City and Bridget Jones

514
00:26:44,360 --> 00:26:47,523
and thinking that you need to have some
big single experience.

515
00:26:47,680 --> 00:26:50,684
- Which, by the way, is total bullshit.
- No.

516
00:26:50,840 --> 00:26:52,888
All those girls ever did
was look for boyfriends.

517
00:26:53,400 --> 00:26:56,609
And this is a great thing,
because now you can focus on your career.

518
00:26:56,800 --> 00:27:00,884
What? No! I put myself out, into the
world, and it completely rejected me.

519
00:27:01,200 --> 00:27:02,201
Whoa!

520
00:27:02,720 --> 00:27:05,291
Okay, you haven't been single
for that long!

521
00:27:05,440 --> 00:27:06,441
Yeah.

522
00:27:06,640 --> 00:27:09,962
You got to go around the board,
pass "Go," collect 200 dicks.

523
00:27:10,120 --> 00:27:13,487
And you remember the best thing
that ever happened to me

524
00:27:13,640 --> 00:27:15,449
was when I was thinking about
quitting medical school.

525
00:27:15,600 --> 00:27:17,329
Please don't tell
the medical school story.

526
00:27:17,480 --> 00:27:21,601
And then, my piece of shit boyfriend,
Bobby, cheated on me with my lab partner,

527
00:27:21,760 --> 00:27:25,287
because she was willing
to do things that I wasn't.

528
00:27:25,440 --> 00:27:26,646
Did it involve midgets?

529
00:27:27,720 --> 00:27:28,721
No.

530
00:27:30,160 --> 00:27:32,128
I once slept with an albino.

531
00:27:32,280 --> 00:27:35,090
Anyway, the good news is, now there are...

532
00:27:35,240 --> 00:27:38,201
3,000 beautiful babies in the world
and no one can take that away

533
00:27:38,400 --> 00:27:39,401
- ...from me.
- ...from her.

534
00:27:39,560 --> 00:27:41,449
Why don't you go
to one of those alumni events?

535
00:27:41,600 --> 00:27:42,601
An alumni event?

536
00:27:42,800 --> 00:27:45,201
You go, and you network with people

537
00:27:45,360 --> 00:27:48,330
and if you really love what you do

538
00:27:48,520 --> 00:27:51,364
then the whole guy thing is easier.

539
00:27:51,600 --> 00:27:53,728
No! I don't want to be like you, Meg.

540
00:27:53,880 --> 00:27:56,326
I don't want my job to be my entire life.

541
00:27:56,560 --> 00:27:57,561
Ooh.

542
00:27:57,760 --> 00:27:59,922
Okay. Sisters, time-out.

543
00:28:00,880 --> 00:28:04,441
There are pros and cons
to both of you, okay?

544
00:28:04,600 --> 00:28:07,206
Pros. Young, beautiful.

545
00:28:07,360 --> 00:28:10,204
Pros. Also beautiful, for your age.

546
00:28:10,360 --> 00:28:12,601
Rich. Doctor. Access to pills.

547
00:28:12,760 --> 00:28:14,524
Cons. No access to pills.

548
00:28:14,680 --> 00:28:16,523
Cons. You're really stingy with the pills.

549
00:28:16,720 --> 00:28:17,721
Right.

550
00:28:17,920 --> 00:28:19,285
Pros. Loves me unconditionally.

551
00:28:19,440 --> 00:28:21,169
Gives me the spare key to the apartment.

552
00:28:21,320 --> 00:28:22,560
Has a very nice underwear drawer.

553
00:28:22,760 --> 00:28:24,046
Very neat and organized.

554
00:28:24,200 --> 00:28:25,440
You have a key to my apartment?

555
00:28:25,640 --> 00:28:27,290
Cons. Asks too many personal questions.

556
00:28:28,280 --> 00:28:33,286
Okay. I'm gonna take my old, lonely,
workaholic ass back to the hospital.

557
00:28:36,560 --> 00:28:39,166
Cons. Ugly when sad.

558
00:28:46,680 --> 00:28:49,729
- Hey, did you bring a sandwich from home?
- Mmm.

559
00:28:50,440 --> 00:28:52,522
Are you wearing pajamas in a bar?

560
00:28:52,680 --> 00:28:53,681
They're sweatpants.

561
00:28:53,840 --> 00:28:54,841
I think you're bumming some people out.

562
00:28:55,040 --> 00:28:57,088
You might want to take your
"give up" pants and go home.

563
00:28:57,240 --> 00:28:58,241
Leave me alone.

564
00:28:58,400 --> 00:29:01,324
I love this bar.

565
00:29:01,480 --> 00:29:02,925
Lucy?

566
00:29:04,320 --> 00:29:05,321
Lucy?

567
00:29:05,480 --> 00:29:06,481
Hi!

568
00:29:07,240 --> 00:29:08,526
Oh, my God!

569
00:29:08,720 --> 00:29:10,324
Brittany! Hi!

570
00:29:10,480 --> 00:29:11,845
- How are you?
- How are you?

571
00:29:12,080 --> 00:29:13,081
I'm getting married!

572
00:29:13,240 --> 00:29:14,446
She's getting married!

573
00:29:15,080 --> 00:29:18,368
That is just the best news
I've ever heard in my entire life!

574
00:29:18,520 --> 00:29:19,681
Oh, yay!

575
00:29:19,840 --> 00:29:20,887
How old are your kids?

576
00:29:21,280 --> 00:29:22,520
No.

577
00:29:23,160 --> 00:29:25,970
I don't have any.
I just read to them sometimes.

578
00:29:26,840 --> 00:29:28,251
But not in, like, a sad way.

579
00:29:28,400 --> 00:29:30,323
It's more like a volunteer thing?

580
00:29:30,760 --> 00:29:31,761
Oh. Oh.

581
00:29:32,240 --> 00:29:33,651
Yeah. Yeah.

582
00:29:33,800 --> 00:29:34,961
So, are you married?

583
00:29:35,240 --> 00:29:36,480
No. No.

584
00:29:36,640 --> 00:29:37,641
Dating anyone?

585
00:29:37,880 --> 00:29:39,086
Afraid not.

586
00:29:39,240 --> 00:29:40,526
Are you divorced?

587
00:29:40,680 --> 00:29:42,409
No, no one's ever loved me enough

588
00:29:42,560 --> 00:29:44,403
to eventually divorce me.

589
00:29:44,800 --> 00:29:47,371
You got to get in the game,
before you can lose, so...

590
00:29:47,520 --> 00:29:51,366
I'm not even a good loser, yet.

591
00:29:51,920 --> 00:29:53,445
Oh, my God, are those penis straws?

592
00:29:53,640 --> 00:29:55,802
You guys are gonna have
a crazy night tonight!

593
00:29:55,960 --> 00:29:56,961
Hi...

594
00:30:05,640 --> 00:30:06,766
Hey, baby.

595
00:30:08,240 --> 00:30:09,571
This is, um...

596
00:30:09,720 --> 00:30:12,803
It's all right, you can say it.
Miss Independent right here, right?

597
00:30:12,960 --> 00:30:13,961
I'm her boyfriend.

598
00:30:14,240 --> 00:30:15,685
- Oh...
- He's your boyfriend.

599
00:30:15,880 --> 00:30:16,881
This is my boyfriend.

600
00:30:17,080 --> 00:30:19,765
God, doesn't she look smoking hot
in these sweatpants?

601
00:30:19,960 --> 00:30:21,962
Oh, wow, that's so sweet.

602
00:30:22,120 --> 00:30:24,168
This is Brittany.
She's getting married, obviously.

603
00:30:24,320 --> 00:30:25,367
Oh, you're the one getting married.

604
00:30:25,560 --> 00:30:27,244
Marriage!

605
00:30:27,600 --> 00:30:29,762
The end of spontaneous sex,
traveling by yourself

606
00:30:29,920 --> 00:30:32,605
and buying whatever you want
without having to ask permission, right?

607
00:30:34,320 --> 00:30:35,810
Marriage!

608
00:30:35,960 --> 00:30:38,850
Congratulations, good luck with it.
I hope it lasts.

609
00:30:39,640 --> 00:30:41,688
Sorry. No filter.

610
00:31:03,520 --> 00:31:06,046
Hey, listen. I hope, uh,
that kiss wasn't too much.

611
00:31:06,200 --> 00:31:08,726
Oh, my God. No, no, that was awesome!

612
00:31:08,880 --> 00:31:11,804
Thank you so much! Good night.

613
00:32:00,880 --> 00:32:03,042
Come on, you fucking bitch.

614
00:32:04,080 --> 00:32:05,081
Hey.

615
00:32:06,440 --> 00:32:08,841
Sorry. Was that supposed to be
a private moment?

616
00:32:09,000 --> 00:32:10,490
I can't get my zipper.

617
00:32:12,960 --> 00:32:14,291
I'm sorry for what I said to you.

618
00:32:14,440 --> 00:32:15,441
What?

619
00:32:15,600 --> 00:32:16,761
I said, I'm sorry for what I said to you.

620
00:32:16,920 --> 00:32:17,921
Can't hear you.

621
00:32:19,520 --> 00:32:22,842
I said I'm sorry for what I said to you!

622
00:32:26,160 --> 00:32:28,003
What?

623
00:32:28,560 --> 00:32:30,483
I'm gonna have a baby.

624
00:32:30,640 --> 00:32:32,369
- What?
- I found a sperm donor.

625
00:32:32,520 --> 00:32:34,648
This guy. He's of Swedish descent.

626
00:32:34,800 --> 00:32:36,245
- Oh, my God.
- He has no known cancers

627
00:32:36,400 --> 00:32:39,131
on either side of his family,
no history of drug abuse.

628
00:32:39,280 --> 00:32:41,362
No history of any kind
of mental illness, or...

629
00:32:41,560 --> 00:32:42,925
- Oh, my God.
- I know.

630
00:32:43,080 --> 00:32:44,923
Oh, my God.

631
00:32:46,280 --> 00:32:47,645
I know.

632
00:32:48,200 --> 00:32:49,645
Wait. Do you think it's a bad idea?

633
00:32:49,800 --> 00:32:51,370
Why are you saying
"Oh, my God" five times?

634
00:32:51,520 --> 00:32:53,010
No, but... Wait, when do you meet him?

635
00:32:53,200 --> 00:32:54,201
That's the best part.

636
00:32:54,360 --> 00:32:57,648
I never, ever have to meet him,
or any of his family.

637
00:32:57,800 --> 00:32:59,609
There's no strings attached at all.

638
00:32:59,760 --> 00:33:01,285
Nothing. Is that crazy?

639
00:33:01,440 --> 00:33:04,011
No. Oh, my God, you're gonna have a baby.

640
00:33:04,160 --> 00:33:06,049
- I know!
- You're gonna have a baby!

641
00:33:06,600 --> 00:33:08,364
I'm so happy for you.

642
00:33:08,640 --> 00:33:10,563
You'll always be my baby first.

643
00:33:11,760 --> 00:33:14,161
But you do need to grow up.

644
00:33:14,960 --> 00:33:16,485
And you do need to move out
by this Friday.

645
00:33:16,680 --> 00:33:17,681
What?

646
00:33:17,880 --> 00:33:19,450
The co-op board found out you were here.

647
00:33:19,640 --> 00:33:21,563
Is this a bad idea? Would you tell me?

648
00:33:21,720 --> 00:33:23,802
No, you're gonna be
the best mom in the world.

649
00:33:23,960 --> 00:33:25,200
Wait. Just go back.

650
00:33:25,360 --> 00:33:27,681
What was that thing
that you just said about the co-op board?

651
00:33:27,840 --> 00:33:29,046
You need to be out by Friday.

652
00:33:30,560 --> 00:33:32,130
But you're allowed to have guests.

653
00:33:32,320 --> 00:33:36,006
Yes. But my guests aren't allowed
to slide down the trash chute, naked.

654
00:33:36,200 --> 00:33:38,123
I didn't go naked down the...

655
00:33:38,760 --> 00:33:40,330
Oh.

656
00:33:40,840 --> 00:33:42,444
- Robin did that.
- Mmm-hmm.

657
00:33:43,160 --> 00:33:45,447
I've seen security footage. And it just...

658
00:33:45,640 --> 00:33:46,846
Hmm.

659
00:34:06,120 --> 00:34:07,326
I don't know.

660
00:34:07,680 --> 00:34:10,964
It seems kind of homey, like you'd
actually want to spend time here.

661
00:34:12,440 --> 00:34:14,283
Oh, this could be a reading window.

662
00:34:14,440 --> 00:34:16,283
Reading is for ugly losers.

663
00:34:16,440 --> 00:34:17,930
I don't know. I really like it.

664
00:34:18,080 --> 00:34:19,650
Yeah, but, I mean... Oh!

665
00:34:19,800 --> 00:34:20,847
Wait! No, don't do that!

666
00:34:21,000 --> 00:34:22,968
That just... That just fell off.

667
00:34:23,160 --> 00:34:24,286
I think I'm gonna take it.

668
00:34:24,440 --> 00:34:25,771
This place is dangerous.

669
00:34:25,920 --> 00:34:27,251
It's perfect.

670
00:34:27,480 --> 00:34:30,131
Don't let that... Don't...

671
00:34:30,800 --> 00:34:32,962
- Did that just break?
- Yeah.

672
00:35:34,240 --> 00:35:35,890
Good night.

673
00:35:40,040 --> 00:35:41,405
That was weird.

674
00:35:44,320 --> 00:35:45,481
Maybe you should just leave it in there.

675
00:35:45,640 --> 00:35:46,926
Maybe you shouldn't shake it like that.

676
00:35:47,120 --> 00:35:48,531
What, it's gonna make the pee go in there.

677
00:35:48,680 --> 00:35:51,081
No, it doesn't work like that.
That's not a Polaroid.

678
00:35:51,280 --> 00:35:53,089
I'm gonna be the best auntie, ever. I am.

679
00:35:53,280 --> 00:35:54,770
I'm gonna give that kid whatever it wants.

680
00:35:54,960 --> 00:35:56,530
Forever. All the sugar in the world.

681
00:35:56,680 --> 00:35:57,966
Don't get your hopes up, okay?

682
00:35:58,120 --> 00:35:59,804
Because it never works on the first time.

683
00:35:59,960 --> 00:36:01,166
It's too late.

684
00:36:05,080 --> 00:36:06,081
Mmm.

685
00:36:06,760 --> 00:36:08,808
See? I told you.

686
00:36:09,560 --> 00:36:10,766
- Are you okay?
- Yeah.

687
00:36:10,920 --> 00:36:13,241
No, it always... This is...

688
00:36:13,440 --> 00:36:15,886
It doesn't usually work
on the first time, like I said.

689
00:36:16,440 --> 00:36:17,771
What?

690
00:36:22,080 --> 00:36:24,890
I deal with this kind of thing
all the time. You know that.

691
00:36:26,840 --> 00:36:27,966
Are you drinking enough water?

692
00:36:28,160 --> 00:36:30,527
Your lips are really dry,
which means you're dehydrated.

693
00:36:31,640 --> 00:36:33,324
I'll go get you some water.

694
00:36:40,800 --> 00:36:43,121
These plums are available through
late summer, early autumn.

695
00:36:43,280 --> 00:36:44,281
Alice!

696
00:36:44,480 --> 00:36:47,290
And they're just wonderful,
they're called Italian prune plums.

697
00:36:49,280 --> 00:36:50,566
So, we're gonna make
a little bit of caramel

698
00:36:50,720 --> 00:36:53,451
with a cup of sugar,
and a third of a cup of water.

699
00:36:53,600 --> 00:36:56,849
I'm just gonna cook it over medium heat
until it's nice and caramelized and brown...

700
00:36:57,000 --> 00:36:58,047
Alice!

701
00:37:02,040 --> 00:37:03,565
- Hi.
- Hi.

702
00:37:03,720 --> 00:37:04,801
My buzzer's broken.

703
00:37:04,960 --> 00:37:07,531
It's like if Romeo and Juliet
had lived in New York.

704
00:37:07,720 --> 00:37:09,688
That was bad. Can I come up?

705
00:37:09,840 --> 00:37:10,841
Yeah.

706
00:37:18,640 --> 00:37:20,802
If you want to make
this cake another time...

707
00:37:34,880 --> 00:37:35,881
Hey.

708
00:37:36,080 --> 00:37:37,286
Hey.

709
00:37:37,480 --> 00:37:38,606
It's good to see you.

710
00:37:38,760 --> 00:37:41,331
So good to see you. What's up?

711
00:37:41,880 --> 00:37:44,770
Well, I was going through my closet,
and I found a bunch of your old stuff,

712
00:37:44,920 --> 00:37:47,002
so I thought you might want it.

713
00:37:51,360 --> 00:37:53,840
I could've come by to get this.

714
00:37:54,400 --> 00:37:57,643
Well, actually,
that's the thing, is, um...

715
00:37:58,480 --> 00:38:00,289
That's part of why I wanted to come over.

716
00:38:00,520 --> 00:38:01,521
Uh...

717
00:38:02,080 --> 00:38:05,880
So, Michelle is moving in tomorrow.

718
00:38:06,800 --> 00:38:09,041
- So...
- Wow!

719
00:38:10,640 --> 00:38:12,483
Michelle.

720
00:38:13,280 --> 00:38:14,281
She's got a name and everything.

721
00:38:14,440 --> 00:38:15,487
She's got a name.

722
00:38:15,640 --> 00:38:16,687
Well, technically,
she's always had a name.

723
00:38:16,920 --> 00:38:18,649
- Mmm-hmm.
- I mean, her lease was up

724
00:38:18,800 --> 00:38:21,605
and I was with this Craigslist guy,
and he started stealing my socks.

725
00:38:21,760 --> 00:38:22,841
And so, it just made sense.

726
00:38:23,000 --> 00:38:24,650
- It makes sense.
- And we're excited.

727
00:38:24,800 --> 00:38:26,882
Mmm-hmm. We are. You said "we." Okay.

728
00:38:27,040 --> 00:38:28,041
So...

729
00:38:28,280 --> 00:38:30,009
So let me give you the tour.

730
00:38:30,200 --> 00:38:31,326
Um, this is the kitchen.

731
00:38:31,480 --> 00:38:33,084
This is the dining room.

732
00:38:33,240 --> 00:38:38,280
This is the living room
workspace-bedroom region.

733
00:38:38,440 --> 00:38:40,283
And are you working on your Spanish?

734
00:38:41,480 --> 00:38:44,211
Oh, that's been that way since I moved in,
and I don't know how to fix it.

735
00:38:44,360 --> 00:38:47,884
And now I don't know what the world
would be like if it wasn't in Spanish.

736
00:38:52,320 --> 00:38:53,765
It's pretty easy, you know, it's...

737
00:39:01,680 --> 00:39:02,806
Alice.

738
00:39:03,280 --> 00:39:05,886
You're so handy.

739
00:39:07,640 --> 00:39:08,641
Alice.

740
00:39:08,800 --> 00:39:10,802
Michelle is a really lucky girl.

741
00:39:13,600 --> 00:39:15,728
I didn't expect for this to happen.

742
00:39:16,720 --> 00:39:17,721
I just...

743
00:39:19,760 --> 00:39:24,846
I stopped comparing everyone to you
and then I met someone pretty great.

744
00:39:26,400 --> 00:39:28,050
I'm super happy for you.

745
00:39:29,320 --> 00:39:30,446
Yeah, I can see that.

746
00:39:31,960 --> 00:39:35,043
Alice. All right.

747
00:39:36,000 --> 00:39:37,445
I'm gonna go.

748
00:39:37,640 --> 00:39:38,641
Okay.

749
00:39:53,400 --> 00:39:55,129
You need to move on.

750
00:39:57,320 --> 00:39:58,481
Fine.

751
00:39:59,480 --> 00:40:03,201
Uh, no going backwards, only forwards.
You can't sleep with Tom again.

752
00:40:03,440 --> 00:40:07,169
Well, then, we're gonna have to start
going to a different bar, girlfriend.

753
00:40:07,320 --> 00:40:11,245
No, you'll be fine,
just don't hit your drink number with him.

754
00:40:11,640 --> 00:40:13,529
What's my drink number?

755
00:40:13,720 --> 00:40:17,644
In every male-female friendship,
there's a total number of drinks

756
00:40:17,800 --> 00:40:20,371
and if you hit that,
it means you will definitely have sex.

757
00:40:20,560 --> 00:40:22,449
So, how many drinks does it take
to get you wasted?

758
00:40:22,600 --> 00:40:23,601
Two and a half

759
00:40:23,760 --> 00:40:25,842
- but maybe three, if I've eaten.
- Three.

760
00:40:26,000 --> 00:40:27,684
Okay, and Tom's is eight.

761
00:40:27,920 --> 00:40:30,651
So, you can't hit eleven drinks
between the two of you.

762
00:40:30,800 --> 00:40:32,723
- Okay.
- Not one for you, 10 for him.

763
00:40:33,240 --> 00:40:35,049
Not six for him, five for you.

764
00:40:35,280 --> 00:40:37,806
If I had more than five drinks,
I'd hook up with you.

765
00:40:37,960 --> 00:40:39,530
My drink number is 27.

766
00:40:39,680 --> 00:40:40,681
What?

767
00:40:40,880 --> 00:40:43,121
I wouldn't even touch myself
on less than 24.

768
00:40:43,320 --> 00:40:44,367
That's...

769
00:40:45,440 --> 00:40:47,283
What are you doing? Stop.

770
00:40:47,440 --> 00:40:49,169
- What is that?
- Stop.

771
00:40:52,040 --> 00:40:53,087
Oh, my God.

772
00:40:53,240 --> 00:40:54,241
I thought that was gonna be boiling hot.

773
00:40:54,440 --> 00:40:55,521
It's actually really cold.

774
00:40:55,720 --> 00:40:56,721
You have LTRP.

775
00:40:56,880 --> 00:40:59,042
- Oh, my God. I do?
- Yeah.

776
00:40:59,200 --> 00:41:00,929
Tom gave it to me. For sure.

777
00:41:01,080 --> 00:41:02,320
Wait. What's LTRP?

778
00:41:02,520 --> 00:41:03,806
Long-Term Relationship Pussy.

779
00:41:03,960 --> 00:41:05,689
You really need to get that taken care of.

780
00:41:05,840 --> 00:41:07,729
What do you mean? I barely have any hair.

781
00:41:07,880 --> 00:41:10,850
It's like you dropped your hairbrush
and your vagina caught it.

782
00:41:11,000 --> 00:41:13,401
I could make dreadlocks with that bush
and form a reggae band.

783
00:41:13,800 --> 00:41:16,041
That looks like a whole bowl
of petrified curly fries.

784
00:41:16,320 --> 00:41:18,721
It's like Gandalf is staring right at me.

785
00:41:19,360 --> 00:41:22,045
"No penis shall pass!"

786
00:41:22,200 --> 00:41:24,407
You've ruined so many things for me.

787
00:41:42,960 --> 00:41:43,961
Hi.

788
00:41:44,120 --> 00:41:45,884
Hi. What are you here for?

789
00:41:46,520 --> 00:41:51,048
Um, I am here to
finally put myself out there.

790
00:41:51,200 --> 00:41:54,249
Like, in a real way. You know?

791
00:41:54,400 --> 00:41:57,244
Not just physically,
but, like, emotionally.

792
00:41:57,400 --> 00:41:58,401
Yeah.

793
00:41:58,600 --> 00:42:01,365
No, I was asking
what event are you here for?

794
00:42:01,640 --> 00:42:03,051
Oh, um...

795
00:42:03,680 --> 00:42:04,727
Oh, my God.

796
00:42:05,160 --> 00:42:07,049
The Wesleyan Alumni Networking Event.

797
00:42:07,200 --> 00:42:08,247
Cool.

798
00:42:19,160 --> 00:42:20,161
Oh, I'm sorry.

799
00:42:20,360 --> 00:42:21,407
Sorry, sorry.

800
00:42:21,840 --> 00:42:23,444
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

801
00:42:23,640 --> 00:42:24,641
Oh, my God, we're...

802
00:42:44,560 --> 00:42:47,086
Hey. Get back over there,
you're screwing up the harmonies.

803
00:42:49,200 --> 00:42:50,725
- I'm David Stone, nice to meet you.
- Hi.

804
00:42:50,920 --> 00:42:52,046
Hey, I'm Alice.

805
00:42:52,360 --> 00:42:53,361
Alice...

806
00:42:53,600 --> 00:42:54,840
- Kepley.
- Kepley.

807
00:42:55,000 --> 00:42:56,650
It's not as good as Stone.

808
00:42:57,120 --> 00:42:58,485
Do you want one of my business cards?

809
00:42:58,680 --> 00:43:01,365
Or maybe 400 of them,
so you could tile your bathroom?

810
00:43:01,520 --> 00:43:02,521
Well, what's on them?

811
00:43:02,720 --> 00:43:07,486
Um, my Social Security Number,
my mom's maiden name, my ATM PIN.

812
00:43:07,640 --> 00:43:08,641
That's what goes on these, right?

813
00:43:08,840 --> 00:43:10,683
Absolutely, the essentials.

814
00:43:10,880 --> 00:43:12,041
What do you do?

815
00:43:12,440 --> 00:43:13,601
Um, I'm a paralegal.

816
00:43:13,760 --> 00:43:14,761
Okay.

817
00:43:14,920 --> 00:43:16,331
At Brown, Light and Finkelstein.

818
00:43:16,480 --> 00:43:18,960
- Is that 144 Wall Street?
- Yeah.

819
00:43:19,120 --> 00:43:20,565
Yeah, I have the building right next door.

820
00:43:20,760 --> 00:43:22,171
You "have" the building?

821
00:43:22,320 --> 00:43:24,846
Like, in a Fantasy Building League?

822
00:43:25,000 --> 00:43:27,128
No. Um, I don't "have" the building,

823
00:43:27,280 --> 00:43:28,805
- I kind of own it.
- Oh.

824
00:43:29,000 --> 00:43:30,331
There's no way to make that sound right.

825
00:43:30,480 --> 00:43:32,323
I'm a developer, so, it's not just me.

826
00:43:32,480 --> 00:43:33,845
It's like a group of people, but...

827
00:43:34,000 --> 00:43:35,570
That's like a real-ass job, man.

828
00:43:35,720 --> 00:43:37,210
Yeah, I know, it's the worst.

829
00:43:39,720 --> 00:43:40,721
Oh, your team.

830
00:43:40,920 --> 00:43:42,365
We really need to work on our repertoire.

831
00:43:42,520 --> 00:43:44,648
- Are you kidding me? This is my jam!
- Is it?

832
00:43:44,800 --> 00:43:48,646
Yeah, this is like my top 13th
favorite song of all time.

833
00:43:51,440 --> 00:43:52,805
I'm sorry, it's my daughter.

834
00:43:52,960 --> 00:43:54,405
Oh, yeah, no, totally. Me, too.

835
00:43:54,560 --> 00:43:56,961
I mean, I'm a... I'm... A daughter.

836
00:43:57,120 --> 00:43:58,690
It was great to meet you.

837
00:43:58,840 --> 00:44:00,365
Bye. Yeah.

838
00:44:07,200 --> 00:44:08,770
Okay, 30 more seconds.

839
00:44:09,640 --> 00:44:10,641
Twenty-seven.

840
00:44:11,280 --> 00:44:13,760
It said three to 10 minutes,
is that right?

841
00:44:14,440 --> 00:44:15,851
I'm doing this in solidarity.

842
00:44:16,000 --> 00:44:18,685
Guys. Mine's positive.

843
00:44:19,840 --> 00:44:21,171
- What?
- What?

844
00:44:21,880 --> 00:44:22,881
Wait.

845
00:44:23,200 --> 00:44:25,521
I'm taking a drug test.
Is that what you guys are doing?

846
00:44:25,960 --> 00:44:27,166
- No.
- No.

847
00:44:35,880 --> 00:44:36,881
I'm...

848
00:44:37,040 --> 00:44:38,201
You're pregnant.

849
00:44:38,440 --> 00:44:39,441
I'm pregnant.

850
00:44:39,640 --> 00:44:41,051
It's all right, don't worry.

851
00:44:41,440 --> 00:44:42,646
We'll take care of it.

852
00:44:43,600 --> 00:44:45,807
I mean, "Yes!"

853
00:44:45,960 --> 00:44:47,405
You're pregnant!

854
00:44:48,160 --> 00:44:49,491
We're pregnant!

855
00:44:49,640 --> 00:44:50,880
I'm not pregnant!

856
00:44:51,080 --> 00:44:52,605
I'm on drugs!

857
00:45:17,080 --> 00:45:19,731
I found my peanut! This is Paul.

858
00:45:19,880 --> 00:45:20,881
Hey.

859
00:45:21,040 --> 00:45:22,166
He has so many teeth.

860
00:45:30,560 --> 00:45:34,281
What up, office fools?
It's time for Secret Santa!

861
00:45:34,800 --> 00:45:39,085
Who's ready to reach into my cleave
of wonders and win themselves a prize?

862
00:45:39,240 --> 00:45:41,686
Doris, I'm coming to you first, baby.

863
00:45:44,280 --> 00:45:46,851
Whoa! It is a hole-puncher!

864
00:45:47,680 --> 00:45:50,206
You have won Kathy's credit card.

865
00:45:50,360 --> 00:45:51,441
Let's go, dance circle!

866
00:45:51,640 --> 00:45:54,211
Bridget, come on in here, you slut!

867
00:45:57,080 --> 00:46:00,129
How many sliders does it take
to equal a whole burger?

868
00:46:01,040 --> 00:46:02,121
What?

869
00:46:02,600 --> 00:46:05,365
How many little burgers
does it take to make a whole burger?

870
00:46:05,520 --> 00:46:07,682
You're crazy.

871
00:46:07,840 --> 00:46:08,966
Don't call me crazy.

872
00:46:09,160 --> 00:46:11,288
Don't ever call a pregnant woman crazy.

873
00:46:11,440 --> 00:46:12,965
- Okay. All right.
- Not ever. Never.

874
00:46:13,160 --> 00:46:14,161
Okay.

875
00:46:14,320 --> 00:46:16,243
How many little meats
make up a whole big meat?

876
00:46:16,520 --> 00:46:18,329
I don't know, maybe four?

877
00:46:20,360 --> 00:46:21,407
I've had seven.

878
00:46:21,560 --> 00:46:22,891
Eight. I meant eight.

879
00:46:23,040 --> 00:46:24,246
Is it four, or is it eight?

880
00:46:24,400 --> 00:46:26,721
It's eight, or more. Everyone knows that.

881
00:46:26,880 --> 00:46:27,881
Who told you that?

882
00:46:28,040 --> 00:46:29,201
The slider guy.

883
00:46:31,400 --> 00:46:33,323
Please blink, so I know you're in there.

884
00:46:34,160 --> 00:46:35,286
- I'm sorry.
- God.

885
00:46:35,480 --> 00:46:39,201
I just have blood pumping through my body
in an uncomfortable way

886
00:46:39,400 --> 00:46:41,971
and it feels like
it's all accumulating right here.

887
00:46:42,120 --> 00:46:44,327
Don't touch yourself like that
in my workplace.

888
00:46:44,480 --> 00:46:46,482
- I need a man.
- A man?

889
00:46:46,640 --> 00:46:48,483
I don't know...
I don't know what's happening.

890
00:46:48,640 --> 00:46:50,085
It's, like, the hormones or something.

891
00:46:50,280 --> 00:46:51,327
Actually...

892
00:46:52,480 --> 00:46:54,926
The new guy
has sort of been checking you out.

893
00:46:55,240 --> 00:46:56,287
- Which one?
- He's...

894
00:47:01,040 --> 00:47:02,041
- Did you get it?
- No.

895
00:47:02,200 --> 00:47:04,009
All right. He's like...

896
00:47:05,840 --> 00:47:07,205
Right over there.

897
00:47:09,960 --> 00:47:11,644
- No. No.
- Why?

898
00:47:11,800 --> 00:47:13,689
Because he's too young.

899
00:47:13,840 --> 00:47:15,842
All young guys want to do
is have sex all day.

900
00:47:16,000 --> 00:47:21,211
All I need is just a quick 10 minutes,
and then a really long nap.

901
00:47:22,400 --> 00:47:23,970
How old is that little niblet, anyway?

902
00:47:24,200 --> 00:47:27,170
Like, twenty-seven?

903
00:47:27,600 --> 00:47:29,250
The only reason a guy like that
would ever talk to me

904
00:47:29,400 --> 00:47:31,289
is to get a prescription
for medical marijuana.

905
00:47:31,440 --> 00:47:32,441
So, no.

906
00:47:32,600 --> 00:47:34,762
I think he's coming over.
Yeah, he's totally wanting it.

907
00:47:34,920 --> 00:47:36,445
Wait, he might be going to the food.

908
00:47:36,600 --> 00:47:38,648
Don't look over there. No, he's coming.

909
00:47:39,600 --> 00:47:40,601
He's here.

910
00:47:41,440 --> 00:47:42,771
Just saw you looking at me over there.

911
00:47:42,960 --> 00:47:45,804
I thought I'd come over, say "What's up."

912
00:47:46,200 --> 00:47:47,247
- Hmm.
- Or...

913
00:47:49,440 --> 00:47:50,726
Oh, my God, did I misread that?

914
00:47:50,880 --> 00:47:52,848
Were you not...
Were you just talking about...

915
00:47:53,000 --> 00:47:54,923
Um, did you not want me to come over?

916
00:47:59,160 --> 00:48:00,366
Hey, I'm Ken.

917
00:48:00,920 --> 00:48:03,321
- Hmm.
- You must be Alice's sister.

918
00:48:03,560 --> 00:48:04,561
- Do you want a drink?
- No.

919
00:48:04,720 --> 00:48:08,281
- Can I get you...
- I had a lot of drinks earlier today.

920
00:48:09,960 --> 00:48:11,724
Have you heard anything
about an after-party?

921
00:48:11,880 --> 00:48:14,201
Or even, like, another part of this party?

922
00:48:14,360 --> 00:48:18,206
Because this feels like
a longer day at work, than...

923
00:48:18,840 --> 00:48:19,921
Oh, my God, am I boring you?

924
00:48:20,120 --> 00:48:21,804
Is that... Are you trying not to yawn?

925
00:48:22,040 --> 00:48:23,804
- Mmm-mmm.
- That's just your face?

926
00:48:24,000 --> 00:48:27,402
No, I'm sorry.
I'm a doctor, and I'm just really tired.

927
00:48:27,560 --> 00:48:29,005
What is it you were saying you do?

928
00:48:29,680 --> 00:48:32,923
I wasn't, but I work here, for now.

929
00:48:33,160 --> 00:48:34,161
But, um...

930
00:48:34,640 --> 00:48:37,211
Oh, my God, are you having a stroke?

931
00:48:37,360 --> 00:48:38,771
Seriously, this is the honeymoon.

932
00:48:38,920 --> 00:48:40,365
Like, we just met 30 seconds ago.

933
00:48:40,880 --> 00:48:42,803
Honestly, like, if we're not
gonna make it through this,

934
00:48:42,960 --> 00:48:44,610
I don't think we're gonna make it at all.

935
00:48:44,760 --> 00:48:46,967
So, why don't you just, like, let her rip?

936
00:48:47,120 --> 00:48:48,849
- Okay.
- Like, let it all out.

937
00:48:50,080 --> 00:48:51,411
Yeah.

938
00:48:51,720 --> 00:48:53,529
How awesome was that?

939
00:48:53,680 --> 00:48:54,761
That feels so good.

940
00:48:54,920 --> 00:48:56,524
Right?

941
00:48:57,000 --> 00:48:58,411
Who are you, again?

942
00:48:58,800 --> 00:48:59,847
I'm, uh, Ken.

943
00:49:00,040 --> 00:49:01,644
And what's going on here?

944
00:49:01,840 --> 00:49:02,841
- Is this...
- I don't...

945
00:49:03,040 --> 00:49:04,724
Is this one of those fetish things?

946
00:49:04,920 --> 00:49:08,003
Where you're, like, a foot fetish.
Am I the foot?

947
00:49:08,480 --> 00:49:10,482
Do you want to be the foot?

948
00:49:10,640 --> 00:49:14,247
I'm not into feet,
but I would like to go out with you.

949
00:49:14,400 --> 00:49:15,447
Oh.

950
00:49:15,680 --> 00:49:16,806
- Yes.
- Why?

951
00:49:17,400 --> 00:49:19,243
Really? I... Do you not want me to?

952
00:49:19,400 --> 00:49:21,528
I do! I... That's not what I was saying.

953
00:49:21,680 --> 00:49:22,886
No, I was just wondering why.

954
00:49:23,040 --> 00:49:24,929
Because I think you're hot.

955
00:49:25,080 --> 00:49:27,048
And I think you're funny.

956
00:49:27,400 --> 00:49:29,641
And I like the face you make
when you're trying not to yawn.

957
00:49:29,800 --> 00:49:32,121
And then you have an awesome yawn
after that, so...

958
00:49:32,320 --> 00:49:34,368
I mean, that's always something
I've looked for in a girl.

959
00:49:34,520 --> 00:49:35,601
I don't know.

960
00:49:36,000 --> 00:49:37,081
But, cheers.

961
00:49:37,560 --> 00:49:40,404
Holy shit, that's a candle.

962
00:49:41,040 --> 00:49:43,122
So, do you wanna just go do this, then?

963
00:49:55,720 --> 00:49:57,085
I don't want anything serious.

964
00:49:57,240 --> 00:49:59,163
Good, because I'm saving
myself for marriage.

965
00:49:59,520 --> 00:50:01,204
I'm just kidding.

966
00:50:01,800 --> 00:50:03,848
My God, your body is awesome!

967
00:50:05,240 --> 00:50:06,571
Do I smell like hamburgers?

968
00:50:06,880 --> 00:50:08,609
You taste like hamburgers.

969
00:50:10,960 --> 00:50:12,166
That's totally beautiful.

970
00:50:16,320 --> 00:50:18,448
You didn't really have to come
all the way here with me, you know?

971
00:50:18,600 --> 00:50:20,807
And miss a subway ride with you?

972
00:50:20,960 --> 00:50:22,769
That's like 20 extra minutes of Paul time.

973
00:50:22,920 --> 00:50:24,649
Aw. Thank you. Yeah.

974
00:50:24,800 --> 00:50:26,484
Actually, I got you something.

975
00:50:26,640 --> 00:50:27,641
Oh, okay.

976
00:50:27,800 --> 00:50:29,882
I have a sandwich for the train ride.

977
00:50:30,040 --> 00:50:31,405
Oh, thank you.

978
00:50:31,560 --> 00:50:34,450
And there's a bagel in there, too,
in case you don't want the sandwich.

979
00:50:34,600 --> 00:50:37,080
It's a 45-minute train ride,
but thank you.

980
00:50:37,720 --> 00:50:38,881
- And there's this.
- What?

981
00:50:39,040 --> 00:50:40,041
Merry Christmas.

982
00:50:40,200 --> 00:50:41,531
You shouldn't have.

983
00:50:41,720 --> 00:50:43,484
- Really, it's just a little thing that...
- Oh.

984
00:50:43,680 --> 00:50:45,523
Open it now, yeah.

985
00:50:46,960 --> 00:50:48,928
Whoa! These are pictures of us.

986
00:50:49,080 --> 00:50:51,401
It's memories of all our time together.

987
00:50:51,680 --> 00:50:55,002
Yeah, there's three weeks
of photos. That's...

988
00:50:55,160 --> 00:50:56,924
And then we can fill in the rest.

989
00:50:58,320 --> 00:50:59,810
Oh. So...

990
00:51:00,200 --> 00:51:04,330
Look, Lucy, I really care about you.

991
00:51:04,800 --> 00:51:07,804
And I just don't know if we want to think

992
00:51:08,000 --> 00:51:09,604
too much in the long term,

993
00:51:09,760 --> 00:51:12,650
only because I don't know
if I see a future with you.

994
00:51:13,200 --> 00:51:16,204
Normally, I break up with people
before the holidays.

995
00:51:16,360 --> 00:51:18,488
Just so, you know,
they don't get the wrong idea.

996
00:51:18,640 --> 00:51:21,007
But I just thought,
since we're dating other people...

997
00:51:21,160 --> 00:51:24,289
I would just wait and break up with you
on Martin Luther King Day.

998
00:51:25,240 --> 00:51:27,641
Okay, I have no idea what that means,
but it sounds vaguely racist.

999
00:51:27,800 --> 00:51:29,802
Just, statistically,
it's the easiest holiday

1000
00:51:29,960 --> 00:51:31,530
to break up with someone on, you know?

1001
00:51:31,680 --> 00:51:35,571
I mean, there's no family obligations,
you can get out before Valentine's Day.

1002
00:51:35,720 --> 00:51:38,690
I'm sorry, did you just say
you're seeing other people?

1003
00:51:38,880 --> 00:51:39,927
Yeah.

1004
00:51:40,120 --> 00:51:42,327
I mean, isn't that the whole
point of online dating?

1005
00:51:42,680 --> 00:51:43,841
No.

1006
00:51:44,120 --> 00:51:46,361
It's to find your soul mate!

1007
00:51:48,600 --> 00:51:53,049
I, uh, think maybe we should
only see other people.

1008
00:51:54,120 --> 00:51:55,849
Okay. Great talk.

1009
00:51:57,640 --> 00:51:58,641
Bye.

1010
00:52:00,440 --> 00:52:01,487
Just...

1011
00:52:01,840 --> 00:52:03,683
Uh, merry Christmas.

1012
00:52:07,400 --> 00:52:11,724
"'We're safe!' said Paul,
as they ran from the dragon."

1013
00:52:12,240 --> 00:52:13,571
Um, who's Paul?

1014
00:52:14,600 --> 00:52:16,967
Sorry, "the Prince."

1015
00:52:17,800 --> 00:52:22,931
"Then, he leaned in to kiss her,
and finally said..."

1016
00:52:27,760 --> 00:52:29,091
Oh, that's rich.

1017
00:52:29,240 --> 00:52:30,446
How does the story end?

1018
00:52:30,720 --> 00:52:32,085
I'll tell you how it ends.

1019
00:52:32,520 --> 00:52:34,921
He kisses her, and she wakes up

1020
00:52:35,080 --> 00:52:37,401
and finally feels loved

1021
00:52:37,920 --> 00:52:40,048
and understood, and wanted.

1022
00:52:40,360 --> 00:52:43,284
But then, her friend sees him
dining with the peach lady

1023
00:52:43,440 --> 00:52:46,250
and before she knows it,
she's kicked out of the castle.

1024
00:52:47,000 --> 00:52:48,684
"The peach lady"?

1025
00:52:48,840 --> 00:52:50,444
You bet your sweet ass "the peach lady."

1026
00:52:50,840 --> 00:52:55,402
And now, you know,
she's fixating on all her mistakes

1027
00:52:55,560 --> 00:52:58,689
and all the money she spent on makeup

1028
00:52:58,840 --> 00:53:01,810
and blow-outs, and the heels!

1029
00:53:01,960 --> 00:53:04,361
The heels! Walking around on these.

1030
00:53:04,560 --> 00:53:07,325
And I'm not supposed
to have any hair here.

1031
00:53:07,480 --> 00:53:10,131
No hair here, but tons of it here.

1032
00:53:10,280 --> 00:53:12,009
I'm supposed to have a ton,
a ton of it here.

1033
00:53:12,160 --> 00:53:13,446
You think this is all real?

1034
00:53:13,600 --> 00:53:15,443
- You think that it's all real?
- No.

1035
00:53:15,600 --> 00:53:16,761
And Spanx!

1036
00:53:17,040 --> 00:53:19,930
Girls. Never wear Spanx.

1037
00:53:20,080 --> 00:53:21,605
Because the endgame
is to take them off, anyway

1038
00:53:21,880 --> 00:53:24,406
and then the prince
is gonna see all your dumplings

1039
00:53:24,560 --> 00:53:27,850
and there ain't nothing less attractive
than trying to squiggle your way

1040
00:53:28,000 --> 00:53:30,651
out of what's basically sausage casing.

1041
00:53:30,800 --> 00:53:31,881
Look at these links!

1042
00:53:32,040 --> 00:53:35,203
You know what, why don't we push pause
on story time for just a second, huh?

1043
00:53:35,360 --> 00:53:36,646
Okay, you know what? Sorry.

1044
00:53:36,800 --> 00:53:38,245
- Are you kidding me?
- Hey, hey. Okay.

1045
00:53:38,440 --> 00:53:39,771
- These are kid scissors.
- They don't work.

1046
00:53:39,920 --> 00:53:41,968
If your Spanx were made
of construction paper, they would.

1047
00:53:42,120 --> 00:53:45,203
And that's how the story ends.

1048
00:53:45,520 --> 00:53:48,486
Parents, I'm gonna ask you to sign something
before you leave, if you don't mind.

1049
00:53:48,640 --> 00:53:49,641
Story time next week.

1050
00:53:49,800 --> 00:53:52,246
Same time, same place, different reader.

1051
00:53:52,400 --> 00:53:53,606
Thank you. Okay, now.

1052
00:53:53,760 --> 00:53:55,125
Hey, you. Hey. How are you?

1053
00:53:55,280 --> 00:53:57,487
Look at me. Hi. Hello. Hi.

1054
00:53:58,080 --> 00:53:59,445
Oh, that was terrible.

1055
00:53:59,600 --> 00:54:02,285
You scared all the kids,
terrified a lot of parents.

1056
00:54:02,960 --> 00:54:06,009
But it was also kind of awesome.

1057
00:54:08,000 --> 00:54:09,490
I'm George.

1058
00:54:11,960 --> 00:54:13,041
Lucy.

1059
00:54:16,760 --> 00:54:17,761
- Hey.
- Hi.

1060
00:54:17,960 --> 00:54:19,644
- Hey.
- Hey!

1061
00:54:19,800 --> 00:54:21,131
Hey! Oh, thank you.

1062
00:54:21,320 --> 00:54:22,481
- For you.
- I'll take that.

1063
00:54:22,640 --> 00:54:24,130
- Oh, no.
- That's Robin's.

1064
00:54:24,320 --> 00:54:26,561
Yeah. I like to keep this on my own rack.

1065
00:54:27,120 --> 00:54:28,360
Sorry, we're late.

1066
00:54:28,520 --> 00:54:30,522
No, it's okay.
I'm glad you guys could come.

1067
00:54:30,680 --> 00:54:34,241
I know it's tough to be single
around this time of year, so...

1068
00:54:34,640 --> 00:54:35,880
Why do people always say that?

1069
00:54:36,080 --> 00:54:38,242
The holidays is the best time
to be single.

1070
00:54:38,640 --> 00:54:40,881
Parties every night, free-flowing booze.

1071
00:54:41,040 --> 00:54:43,486
Santa's beard tickling your inner thigh.

1072
00:54:43,720 --> 00:54:45,051
- What?
- Night.

1073
00:54:45,200 --> 00:54:46,770
Yeah, take your jacket...

1074
00:54:46,920 --> 00:54:48,046
Here, you want me to get your...

1075
00:54:48,200 --> 00:54:49,201
Thanks for having us.

1076
00:54:49,360 --> 00:54:52,921
Yeah, sure.
I know it's been tough for you.

1077
00:54:53,200 --> 00:54:54,770
- For me?
- Yeah.

1078
00:54:54,920 --> 00:54:56,331
No, I'm good.

1079
00:54:56,800 --> 00:55:00,043
It's really cool of your girlfriend
to be okay with me coming tonight.

1080
00:55:00,200 --> 00:55:02,202
Yeah. Yeah, I know, she's really mature.

1081
00:55:02,600 --> 00:55:05,444
And, um, also, I told her
you're my cousin.

1082
00:55:05,600 --> 00:55:07,728
- Hi, baby.
- Hey. Hi.

1083
00:55:07,880 --> 00:55:10,087
Oh, you must be Alice.

1084
00:55:10,280 --> 00:55:12,044
- Hi!
- Hi.

1085
00:55:18,560 --> 00:55:19,721
Oh, Meg!

1086
00:55:20,080 --> 00:55:21,081
- Hi.
- Hey.

1087
00:55:21,240 --> 00:55:22,480
Hi, what are you doing here?

1088
00:55:22,640 --> 00:55:23,641
I brought you hot chocolate.

1089
00:55:23,840 --> 00:55:25,922
- For what?
- For drinking.

1090
00:55:26,080 --> 00:55:27,844
Oh, I have to be back
at work in eight minutes.

1091
00:55:28,000 --> 00:55:29,047
Perfect.

1092
00:55:29,200 --> 00:55:30,406
- Oh, thank you.
- Sure.

1093
00:55:30,560 --> 00:55:32,289
That was nice. Hi.

1094
00:55:32,960 --> 00:55:34,121
It's good to see you. You look good.

1095
00:55:34,280 --> 00:55:35,691
Oh, oh, there's bourbon in there.

1096
00:55:35,840 --> 00:55:37,001
Also, was that a real-life spit take?

1097
00:55:37,160 --> 00:55:39,162
- Mmm-hmm.
- I've never seen one in real life.

1098
00:55:39,320 --> 00:55:40,845
I just sort of thought it would be like...

1099
00:55:43,360 --> 00:55:44,566
- Wow!
- You know?

1100
00:55:44,720 --> 00:55:45,721
Yeah.

1101
00:55:46,200 --> 00:55:47,406
That was good, yeah.

1102
00:55:47,560 --> 00:55:51,360
I can't drink alcohol right now
because I'm about to deliver a baby.

1103
00:55:51,960 --> 00:55:53,450
It's so cool you're a doctor.

1104
00:55:54,440 --> 00:55:56,761
- It's so cool that you're...
- A receptionist.

1105
00:55:57,080 --> 00:56:01,404
Oh, okay. So, what's the male
version of a receptionist?

1106
00:56:01,560 --> 00:56:03,244
- Receptionist.
- Oh.

1107
00:56:03,560 --> 00:56:04,971
I just love the thrill of it, you know?

1108
00:56:05,120 --> 00:56:07,885
Like, "Hello? Hold, please.
Hello? I'll see if she's available."

1109
00:56:08,040 --> 00:56:09,849
But I'm thinking about quitting.
I don't know.

1110
00:56:10,000 --> 00:56:12,367
It's starting to feel
like the restaurant I worked at.

1111
00:56:12,520 --> 00:56:16,605
Oh, shit. Christmas trees.

1112
00:56:17,080 --> 00:56:18,161
Come on, we'll get one.

1113
00:56:18,320 --> 00:56:21,164
Okay. I mean,
I don't get Christmas trees, but...

1114
00:56:21,320 --> 00:56:22,321
Oh, are you Jewish?

1115
00:56:22,520 --> 00:56:24,249
No, I just don't get Christmas trees.

1116
00:56:24,440 --> 00:56:25,851
Oh, so, you're a monster.

1117
00:56:26,000 --> 00:56:29,129
No, I'm just never home,
and I would definitely kill it.

1118
00:56:29,320 --> 00:56:30,367
No.

1119
00:56:30,520 --> 00:56:34,445
And then those needles fall into the rug
and stab your feet when you walk on them.

1120
00:56:34,600 --> 00:56:35,601
Okay.

1121
00:56:36,000 --> 00:56:38,128
All right. Look at this guy, right?

1122
00:56:38,400 --> 00:56:40,164
That's the John McClane
of Christmas trees.

1123
00:56:40,320 --> 00:56:42,004
Like, you cannot kill this guy.

1124
00:56:42,160 --> 00:56:44,049
We load him up with a bunch of water,

1125
00:56:44,200 --> 00:56:46,771
stuff one of those self-pouring
cat bottles on the side

1126
00:56:46,960 --> 00:56:48,291
you're good to go for, like, three weeks.

1127
00:56:48,440 --> 00:56:50,044
I'm telling you,
you're gonna be begging this guy to die.

1128
00:56:50,200 --> 00:56:51,486
- Yeah.
- Then, in three weeks

1129
00:56:51,840 --> 00:56:55,322
we throw this guy out on the street,
and get ready for Valentine's Day.

1130
00:56:55,520 --> 00:56:56,851
"We" get ready for Valentine's Day?

1131
00:56:57,000 --> 00:56:59,162
- Yeah, hearts, candy, you name it.
- Oh.

1132
00:56:59,320 --> 00:57:01,800
No, no, no, no. That's not...

1133
00:57:02,080 --> 00:57:04,560
Listen, in three weeks from now...

1134
00:57:04,720 --> 00:57:08,088
I think the novelty of this whole thing
will have worn off

1135
00:57:08,240 --> 00:57:10,766
and I think, the reality will set in,

1136
00:57:10,920 --> 00:57:14,447
which is that I work all the time
and I probably would never see you,

1137
00:57:14,600 --> 00:57:17,570
and I'd probably
have to cancel all of our dates.

1138
00:57:17,760 --> 00:57:22,369
And, when I did finally see you, I would
probably just fall asleep on your face.

1139
00:57:22,560 --> 00:57:23,561
- Oh...
- Yeah, and then,

1140
00:57:23,760 --> 00:57:25,808
you would go off,
and meet some girl at the gym.

1141
00:57:26,000 --> 00:57:28,651
Because you obviously have
a lot of time to spend at the gym

1142
00:57:28,840 --> 00:57:31,963
and so would she, and I don't even know
why we're having this conversation.

1143
00:57:32,120 --> 00:57:33,963
I mean, you are obviously not a real thing

1144
00:57:34,120 --> 00:57:36,851
and I feel like we're wasting air
even talking about it.

1145
00:57:37,000 --> 00:57:39,162
And I have hip problems,
real hip problems.

1146
00:57:39,320 --> 00:57:43,848
And not from doing fun things,
like having sex, but from gravity.

1147
00:57:44,000 --> 00:57:45,729
And what we had was great.

1148
00:57:45,880 --> 00:57:49,521
Thank you for helping me out with that.

1149
00:57:49,680 --> 00:57:50,681
That was fun.

1150
00:57:51,120 --> 00:57:53,885
But you will find a girl your own age

1151
00:57:54,040 --> 00:57:57,044
and then you can do fun things
like look for trees and whatever.

1152
00:57:57,240 --> 00:58:00,244
But that's not what's happening here,
between you and me, so...

1153
00:58:00,400 --> 00:58:01,526
Just so you know.

1154
00:58:01,680 --> 00:58:03,091
I have to get back to work now.

1155
00:58:05,720 --> 00:58:06,721
My God.

1156
00:58:06,920 --> 00:58:08,968
Fine, we won't get a Christmas tree!

1157
00:58:34,480 --> 00:58:35,481
Hey, Robin.

1158
00:58:35,840 --> 00:58:36,841
Yeah.

1159
00:58:39,640 --> 00:58:40,641
Yes?

1160
00:58:40,840 --> 00:58:42,968
Do you want to go see
the Rockefeller tree?

1161
00:58:43,160 --> 00:58:44,400
- Right now?
- Yeah.

1162
00:58:44,560 --> 00:58:47,803
No, Buzz-Cut and Dimples
are visiting from Italy

1163
00:58:48,000 --> 00:58:50,082
and they want to know all about
American Christmas traditions

1164
00:58:50,240 --> 00:58:51,924
like us sitting on their faces.

1165
00:58:52,560 --> 00:58:54,847
- No. No.
- Come on, it's Christmas!

1166
00:58:55,000 --> 00:58:57,002
I'm not gonna do that tonight.

1167
00:58:57,160 --> 00:58:59,242
Why? Their dicks
probably look like cannolis.

1168
00:58:59,440 --> 00:59:02,125
No, it's okay. I'll call you tomorrow.

1169
00:59:09,800 --> 00:59:12,167
It's plastic. You can't kill it.

1170
00:59:45,080 --> 00:59:46,161
Hey.

1171
00:59:47,080 --> 00:59:48,081
Hey.

1172
00:59:49,280 --> 00:59:50,850
I feel like I know you.

1173
00:59:52,000 --> 00:59:53,729
God, I wish I had
one of your business cards,

1174
00:59:53,880 --> 00:59:55,006
so I could remember who you are.

1175
00:59:57,160 --> 01:00:00,926
Yeah, you're the, um, fancy, married guy,
with the kid and the buildings.

1176
01:00:01,360 --> 01:00:03,761
Uh... I'm not married.

1177
01:00:04,040 --> 01:00:05,610
Um, I do have a daughter.

1178
01:00:05,840 --> 01:00:06,841
Oh.

1179
01:00:07,520 --> 01:00:08,567
- And I'm fancy.
- Yeah.

1180
01:00:08,760 --> 01:00:11,684
You're wearing a scarf
on the outside of your jacket.

1181
01:00:11,840 --> 01:00:13,569
Which... That serves zero purpose.

1182
01:00:16,040 --> 01:00:17,041
Um...

1183
01:00:18,360 --> 01:00:23,329
This is super random, but do you want
to go see the Rockefeller tree with me?

1184
01:00:25,000 --> 01:00:26,206
No? That's a big "no."

1185
01:00:26,360 --> 01:00:27,361
No, no.

1186
01:00:27,640 --> 01:00:29,563
I know it's probably like so crowded
with so many tourists,

1187
01:00:29,720 --> 01:00:30,846
I don't know why I even want to do that.

1188
01:00:31,000 --> 01:00:34,163
I just... I was just thinking,
I want to show you something.

1189
01:00:35,720 --> 01:00:36,801
Okay.

1190
01:00:39,120 --> 01:00:41,282
All right. This door.

1191
01:00:43,040 --> 01:00:44,201
Aye.

1192
01:00:45,320 --> 01:00:48,164
You know what? I am just realizing now
that I've gone with a complete stranger,

1193
01:00:48,320 --> 01:00:52,609
to an abandoned location
covered in plastic...

1194
01:00:52,800 --> 01:00:55,804
So, if you're gonna Dexter me...

1195
01:00:56,000 --> 01:00:57,081
You know what? Honestly?

1196
01:00:57,240 --> 01:00:59,891
Dying would not be the worst
thing in the world, right now.

1197
01:01:00,040 --> 01:01:01,485
- What is happening?
- All right. Close your eyes.

1198
01:01:01,640 --> 01:01:03,688
Okay. Here we go. Bye!

1199
01:01:06,160 --> 01:01:07,810
- What is that sound?
- Just one second.

1200
01:01:07,960 --> 01:01:09,724
The world's largest shower curtain?

1201
01:01:10,200 --> 01:01:11,611
What is it? What's happening?

1202
01:01:11,760 --> 01:01:12,966
One sec.

1203
01:01:13,320 --> 01:01:14,526
Is that the body bag?

1204
01:01:14,680 --> 01:01:15,681
Is that duct tape?

1205
01:01:15,960 --> 01:01:18,611
Is it "duck" tape or is it "duct" tape?

1206
01:01:19,320 --> 01:01:20,481
Open your eyes.

1207
01:01:34,200 --> 01:01:35,565
Oh, my God.

1208
01:01:37,240 --> 01:01:39,163
This is amazing.

1209
01:01:44,560 --> 01:01:45,686
Thank you.

1210
01:01:46,440 --> 01:01:47,771
I've always wanted to see this.

1211
01:01:47,920 --> 01:01:48,921
Yeah.

1212
01:01:49,120 --> 01:01:52,210
I don't know why I always talk myself out
of doing the things I really want to do.

1213
01:01:52,360 --> 01:01:53,361
Like what?

1214
01:01:53,680 --> 01:01:56,081
There's this thing
that people do on New Year's,

1215
01:01:56,240 --> 01:01:58,971
where they hike
the Grand Canyon in the dark,

1216
01:01:59,120 --> 01:02:02,329
so that they can watch the New Year
come in with the dawn.

1217
01:02:02,480 --> 01:02:04,448
That sounds amazing.

1218
01:02:04,600 --> 01:02:05,931
- I know.
- Yeah.

1219
01:02:06,240 --> 01:02:07,287
I'm just not a hiker.

1220
01:02:08,320 --> 01:02:11,845
I don't like that stuff that's on
the ground, that, like, gets on you.

1221
01:02:12,040 --> 01:02:13,451
- The dirt?
- Yes.

1222
01:02:15,520 --> 01:02:18,410
But, um, I don't know.

1223
01:02:19,360 --> 01:02:23,490
Maybe we can, um, do
something else this year.

1224
01:02:24,200 --> 01:02:25,804
- "We"?
- Did I say "we"?

1225
01:02:38,000 --> 01:02:39,604
This one's name is Ping-Ping.

1226
01:02:39,760 --> 01:02:40,886
Ping-Ping?

1227
01:02:41,040 --> 01:02:42,041
It's nice to meet you.

1228
01:02:42,200 --> 01:02:44,282
- Who's this guy?
- Lion.

1229
01:02:44,440 --> 01:02:47,967
Lion is very handsome and,
also, we seem to be matching.

1230
01:02:48,160 --> 01:02:49,207
Well, what about this guy?

1231
01:02:49,360 --> 01:02:50,407
Zebra-Zebra.

1232
01:02:50,600 --> 01:02:53,763
Hmm. I was told never to
trust a man with two first names.

1233
01:02:55,360 --> 01:02:57,806
What about, do you want to tell me
the names of these ones?

1234
01:02:58,240 --> 01:02:59,526
This is LA. I'll be two seconds.

1235
01:02:59,680 --> 01:03:01,250
Okay, we're fine.

1236
01:03:02,080 --> 01:03:04,048
Do you know the Eyes of You song?

1237
01:03:04,200 --> 01:03:05,406
The what song?

1238
01:03:05,560 --> 01:03:07,085
Eyes of You song.

1239
01:03:07,240 --> 01:03:08,924
No, I don't know what that is.

1240
01:03:13,840 --> 01:03:15,410
Oh, I know that song.

1241
01:03:24,800 --> 01:03:26,006
What are you doing?

1242
01:03:26,400 --> 01:03:28,084
Well, we were working
on our pop star careers,

1243
01:03:28,280 --> 01:03:30,203
but her voice is way better than mine.

1244
01:03:30,440 --> 01:03:31,441
Can I talk to you?

1245
01:03:31,600 --> 01:03:33,011
Yeah, yeah.

1246
01:03:40,280 --> 01:03:41,566
Uh, what are you doing?

1247
01:03:41,800 --> 01:03:43,006
What do you mean?

1248
01:03:43,160 --> 01:03:44,525
You're not her mom.

1249
01:03:44,680 --> 01:03:46,409
What are you... What are you...

1250
01:03:46,560 --> 01:03:47,846
What do you mean?

1251
01:03:49,880 --> 01:03:52,042
We were just singing, David.

1252
01:03:52,200 --> 01:03:55,044
Look, I'm sorry,
but when it comes to Phoebe

1253
01:03:56,280 --> 01:03:58,806
I get very protective.

1254
01:03:59,160 --> 01:04:01,811
And, you can't just...

1255
01:04:04,040 --> 01:04:05,121
Look, I'm really sorry.

1256
01:04:05,320 --> 01:04:06,970
I didn't know that that was a thing.

1257
01:04:07,680 --> 01:04:09,842
I'm not trying to, like...

1258
01:04:12,280 --> 01:04:13,725
I guess I didn't know that
that would upset you

1259
01:04:13,880 --> 01:04:17,805
because you don't actually ever really
share anything with me.

1260
01:04:35,600 --> 01:04:37,887
Do you know how I found out
your wife passed away?

1261
01:04:39,600 --> 01:04:41,045
From your doorman, David.

1262
01:04:41,200 --> 01:04:42,281
Yeah, well.

1263
01:04:42,480 --> 01:04:44,801
I just thought you were divorced.
I had no idea.

1264
01:04:44,960 --> 01:04:48,487
It's just been two years, okay?
Phoebe's not ready for all that.

1265
01:04:48,880 --> 01:04:51,486
I have no idea
what it's like to be a parent.

1266
01:04:52,080 --> 01:04:54,890
But, I feel like you have to
open up to Phoebe about her mom...

1267
01:04:55,040 --> 01:04:56,326
Look, Alice.

1268
01:04:57,720 --> 01:04:58,881
I can't do this.

1269
01:05:00,320 --> 01:05:01,606
I'm sorry.

1270
01:06:22,360 --> 01:06:25,250
I know I'm not
supposed to need you anymore, but...

1271
01:06:30,440 --> 01:06:31,566
I really do.

1272
01:06:32,720 --> 01:06:33,881
Come here.

1273
01:06:38,440 --> 01:06:42,206
I feel like I don't even know
who I am anymore.

1274
01:06:43,000 --> 01:06:44,411
It's okay.

1275
01:06:50,560 --> 01:06:53,769
I have to warn you,
I have this weird farting thing happening.

1276
01:06:54,000 --> 01:06:58,571
I don't know if it's me, or the baby
farting through me, or what, but...

1277
01:07:00,600 --> 01:07:01,886
Let me see.

1278
01:07:04,720 --> 01:07:06,848
Hi, you stinky little baby.

1279
01:07:09,920 --> 01:07:13,367
You know you're not gonna
be able to hide this for much longer.

1280
01:07:14,320 --> 01:07:15,924
You need to tell him.

1281
01:07:26,280 --> 01:07:27,805
I love you, monkey.

1282
01:07:28,160 --> 01:07:29,525
I love you.

1283
01:07:38,920 --> 01:07:40,968
Hey, Happy Alcoholic's Day.

1284
01:07:42,440 --> 01:07:44,408
All right, let me guess.

1285
01:07:44,560 --> 01:07:46,642
You're one of those parade-hating
buzzkills that stays at home,

1286
01:07:46,800 --> 01:07:49,121
while the rest of us are out here,
celebrating Saint Patrick's Day.

1287
01:07:49,280 --> 01:07:51,169
No. You know what? I'm into it.

1288
01:07:51,520 --> 01:07:53,409
George is an eighth Irish.

1289
01:07:53,600 --> 01:07:55,329
Do you think he'll like it? Look, I did...

1290
01:07:55,480 --> 01:07:56,606
Yeah.

1291
01:07:56,840 --> 01:07:57,841
Who's George?

1292
01:07:58,000 --> 01:07:59,331
Luce. Hey!

1293
01:08:00,080 --> 01:08:01,286
Oh, there he is!

1294
01:08:02,640 --> 01:08:04,529
That's George?

1295
01:08:05,280 --> 01:08:07,009
Happy Saint Patrick's Day!

1296
01:08:07,160 --> 01:08:09,686
Yes!

1297
01:08:10,600 --> 01:08:12,011
Mmm.

1298
01:09:25,680 --> 01:09:27,444
- Hi.
- Hi.

1299
01:09:28,160 --> 01:09:29,969
- It's been forever.
- Yeah.

1300
01:09:31,600 --> 01:09:32,931
Are you here with somebody?

1301
01:09:33,080 --> 01:09:35,731
Oh, no. I'm, I'm... I'm alone.

1302
01:09:35,880 --> 01:09:37,644
I just thought I'd grab some pancakes

1303
01:09:37,800 --> 01:09:39,689
- 'cause I love pancakes.
- This was our place.

1304
01:09:39,840 --> 01:09:40,841
Okay.

1305
01:09:41,000 --> 01:09:42,764
What are you doing? Who are you here with?

1306
01:09:42,920 --> 01:09:43,921
I'm here with my parents.

1307
01:09:44,080 --> 01:09:45,127
- Oh, my God.
- Here they are.

1308
01:09:45,320 --> 01:09:46,321
- Look who it is.
- Alice!

1309
01:09:46,480 --> 01:09:48,721
- Hi! How are you?
- Oh, my God.

1310
01:09:48,880 --> 01:09:50,211
We're here to celebrate.

1311
01:09:50,360 --> 01:09:51,441
- How are you?
- It's so good to see you. Hi.

1312
01:09:51,600 --> 01:09:53,841
Josh got into business school.

1313
01:09:54,040 --> 01:09:55,121
- What?
- I did.

1314
01:09:55,360 --> 01:09:56,361
It just happened. It's crazy.

1315
01:09:56,520 --> 01:09:58,010
I didn't even know you wanted to...

1316
01:09:58,160 --> 01:10:00,242
We were just gonna take a picture.
Come on, get in here.

1317
01:10:00,400 --> 01:10:02,528
We're just gonna take a picture.
Come on, come on, get in here.

1318
01:10:02,680 --> 01:10:03,841
- Squeeze in.
- No, no, no!

1319
01:10:04,000 --> 01:10:05,331
Selfie time! Selfie time. One, two...

1320
01:10:05,480 --> 01:10:06,845
No, I can take one of you guys.

1321
01:10:07,000 --> 01:10:08,047
Three!

1322
01:10:08,200 --> 01:10:10,089
You're better than her.

1323
01:10:10,320 --> 01:10:11,321
Wow. What?

1324
01:10:11,480 --> 01:10:14,324
- What?
- Mom! You need to go inside.

1325
01:10:14,720 --> 01:10:15,926
I know you've said it a million times.

1326
01:10:16,080 --> 01:10:17,445
- Take her inside...
- All right. There you go.

1327
01:10:17,600 --> 01:10:19,204
- ...and then take her home.
- Great to see you again.

1328
01:10:19,400 --> 01:10:20,447
- Great to see you.
- Okay.

1329
01:10:20,600 --> 01:10:21,601
Bye, guys.

1330
01:10:21,760 --> 01:10:23,808
- It's great to see you.
- It's great to see you.

1331
01:10:23,960 --> 01:10:24,961
Yeah.

1332
01:10:25,160 --> 01:10:27,288
- Okay.
- Yeah.

1333
01:10:29,840 --> 01:10:31,490
Don't squash my pancakes, man.

1334
01:10:31,640 --> 01:10:33,802
Oh, sorry. Do you want to...
Yeah, let's...

1335
01:10:34,000 --> 01:10:35,650
- We should hang out soon.
- I'll see you around.

1336
01:10:35,800 --> 01:10:37,165
- Okay.
- Okay.

1337
01:10:37,960 --> 01:10:39,166
Bye.

1338
01:11:14,200 --> 01:11:15,326
What the fuck?

1339
01:11:21,800 --> 01:11:23,040
Are you pregnant?

1340
01:11:28,360 --> 01:11:29,361
What?

1341
01:11:31,320 --> 01:11:32,890
I've been trying to have a baby. Yes.

1342
01:11:33,040 --> 01:11:36,203
I... It's probably
not even going to stick.

1343
01:11:36,560 --> 01:11:38,210
Yeah, I think it stuck.

1344
01:11:38,360 --> 01:11:40,727
Okay, I don't know what that tone was

1345
01:11:40,880 --> 01:11:45,488
but, if you haven't noticed,
my boobs have gotten much bigger.

1346
01:11:45,640 --> 01:11:47,165
Yeah, of course I noticed
your boobs getting bigger.

1347
01:11:47,360 --> 01:11:50,250
I put that on my vision board, okay?
I thought that was because of me.

1348
01:11:50,400 --> 01:11:51,561
Who does that?

1349
01:11:51,720 --> 01:11:53,722
I do! People like me, visionaries!

1350
01:11:53,880 --> 01:11:55,530
Didn't you notice that I was getting fat?

1351
01:11:55,680 --> 01:11:58,331
That's a trick question.
You are not getting fat.

1352
01:11:58,480 --> 01:12:00,403
You are beautiful,
you have always been beautiful,

1353
01:12:00,560 --> 01:12:02,085
and you are carrying this so well.

1354
01:12:02,240 --> 01:12:03,241
You think?

1355
01:12:03,400 --> 01:12:05,084
Is this why you've been
avoiding me lately?

1356
01:12:05,720 --> 01:12:08,007
Oh, my God. I think I'm gonna...

1357
01:12:10,240 --> 01:12:12,527
- I'm gonna be a dad!
- No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

1358
01:12:12,720 --> 01:12:13,926
Sorry, we're gonna have a baby!

1359
01:12:14,080 --> 01:12:16,082
We're gonna be... Not "dads."
We're gonna...

1360
01:12:18,240 --> 01:12:19,730
No, it's not.

1361
01:12:19,880 --> 01:12:22,008
Like, you're not... It's not...

1362
01:12:22,440 --> 01:12:23,441
Is that not mine?

1363
01:12:24,080 --> 01:12:25,081
I'm just pregnant.

1364
01:12:25,240 --> 01:12:27,447
What do you mean, you're "just pregnant"?
That's crazy. How's that possible?

1365
01:12:27,600 --> 01:12:28,965
- What?
- I said, you're being crazy.

1366
01:12:29,120 --> 01:12:31,691
You've lied to me the entire time
we've been together about being pregnant

1367
01:12:31,840 --> 01:12:33,649
and now you're upset with me
because I believed it?

1368
01:12:33,800 --> 01:12:35,290
That's what a crazy person does.

1369
01:12:35,440 --> 01:12:36,680
That's three times.

1370
01:12:38,120 --> 01:12:39,121
Say it again.

1371
01:12:39,280 --> 01:12:41,282
I don't know. It just seems crazy to me.

1372
01:12:41,440 --> 01:12:43,124
I just want to tell you something.

1373
01:12:43,280 --> 01:12:48,286
Usually, it's a good idea
not to call a pregnant woman crazy.

1374
01:12:48,680 --> 01:12:49,806
You know what I mean?

1375
01:12:49,960 --> 01:12:51,371
She's nuts, everybody.

1376
01:12:52,280 --> 01:12:54,681
So funny!

1377
01:12:55,360 --> 01:12:56,600
Oh, my God!

1378
01:12:56,760 --> 01:12:57,761
Not funny!

1379
01:12:57,920 --> 01:12:58,967
Get it, girl.

1380
01:13:03,480 --> 01:13:04,811
Who is the father?

1381
01:13:05,240 --> 01:13:07,402
I don't know! I don't know.

1382
01:13:07,560 --> 01:13:09,449
- How do you not know?
- Stop yelling at me.

1383
01:13:09,600 --> 01:13:10,601
How could you not know
something like that?

1384
01:13:10,760 --> 01:13:11,761
Did you not catch his name?

1385
01:13:11,920 --> 01:13:13,809
I did I.V.F. with a sperm donor. Okay?

1386
01:13:13,960 --> 01:13:15,928
- Oh, my God.
- Do you have a problem with that?

1387
01:13:16,120 --> 01:13:17,451
I don't have a problem with that.
It's your body.

1388
01:13:17,600 --> 01:13:20,490
Do whatever you want with your body.
Cover it in tattoos. I don't care.

1389
01:13:20,640 --> 01:13:22,324
I think I deserve to know
when there's someone

1390
01:13:22,480 --> 01:13:24,244
living inside the person
I'm having sex with.

1391
01:13:24,400 --> 01:13:26,289
Don't say that. That's gross!

1392
01:13:26,440 --> 01:13:28,488
There is nothing gross about that.
It is beautiful!

1393
01:13:28,640 --> 01:13:30,642
- It's not your problem.
- Not genetically, okay?

1394
01:13:30,840 --> 01:13:33,127
But my girlfriend is having a baby.

1395
01:13:33,560 --> 01:13:36,006
Babe, if we're gonna
make this thing work, like,

1396
01:13:36,160 --> 01:13:37,844
this is the kind of thing I need to know.

1397
01:13:38,000 --> 01:13:40,731
What are you gonna do?
Stay home and take care of a baby?

1398
01:13:41,320 --> 01:13:43,129
Did I just win the lottery?

1399
01:13:43,280 --> 01:13:45,328
Yes, I want to stay home
and take care of a baby.

1400
01:13:45,520 --> 01:13:48,768
When I was eight years old, my Halloween
costume was a stay-at-home Dad.

1401
01:13:48,960 --> 01:13:50,371
You're saying I never
have to go to work again.

1402
01:13:50,520 --> 01:13:51,851
I get to hang out with a baby all day?

1403
01:13:52,000 --> 01:13:53,001
Just stop saying the word "baby."

1404
01:13:53,160 --> 01:13:55,003
Baby, baby, baby, baby, baby!
Because babies are awesome!

1405
01:13:56,640 --> 01:13:58,449
Okay, listen.

1406
01:13:59,200 --> 01:14:03,683
You and I, we probably would
have a lot of fun together

1407
01:14:04,200 --> 01:14:07,363
and then, one day, we would be
on this road trip together.

1408
01:14:07,520 --> 01:14:09,682
And I would be driving,
and then I'd get tired

1409
01:14:09,880 --> 01:14:14,124
and I would hate to do it,
but I would agree to let you drive.

1410
01:14:14,280 --> 01:14:18,409
And then, I would feel very safe,
and that's when we would crash.

1411
01:14:18,960 --> 01:14:21,725
You think you can control everything,
but you can't.

1412
01:14:22,880 --> 01:14:24,370
That's not how this works.

1413
01:14:25,040 --> 01:14:28,647
If I could choose someone
to do this with, it would be you.

1414
01:14:28,800 --> 01:14:30,165
You can choose!

1415
01:14:30,360 --> 01:14:33,887
I just... I'm not the only one
in the car, anymore.

1416
01:14:37,920 --> 01:14:39,206
Yeah.

1417
01:14:41,320 --> 01:14:44,085
Well, for the record,
this is not me leaving.

1418
01:14:45,000 --> 01:14:47,048
This is you pushing me away.

1419
01:15:33,280 --> 01:15:34,964
- Daddy?
- Yeah, babe?

1420
01:15:35,120 --> 01:15:37,327
I want the Eyes of You song.

1421
01:15:37,480 --> 01:15:39,084
Sing it to me.

1422
01:15:41,040 --> 01:15:43,407
Not tonight, sweetheart. Okay?

1423
01:15:46,880 --> 01:15:47,881
Get some sleep.

1424
01:16:21,320 --> 01:16:23,527
It's just, Josh and I
could be married by now

1425
01:16:23,720 --> 01:16:26,007
and we would have, like,
the cutest little baby daughter

1426
01:16:26,160 --> 01:16:29,801
and she would probably
be named after a fruit.

1427
01:16:29,960 --> 01:16:32,406
What kind of name is George,
anyway? Right?

1428
01:16:32,560 --> 01:16:33,846
I hate his hair.

1429
01:16:34,360 --> 01:16:37,011
Actually, technically,
we would have a four-year-old daughter,

1430
01:16:37,160 --> 01:16:39,686
in which case, her name would be Rihanna.

1431
01:16:39,840 --> 01:16:41,968
What? We haven't known
each other four years.

1432
01:16:42,120 --> 01:16:43,531
No, not you. Josh.

1433
01:16:43,680 --> 01:16:44,681
Oh, right, yeah.

1434
01:16:44,840 --> 01:16:46,683
But, exactly.
It's the same thing with me and Lucy.

1435
01:16:46,840 --> 01:16:50,049
It's like, if I go to work,
and she's not there,

1436
01:16:50,680 --> 01:16:51,966
I'm like mad or something.

1437
01:16:52,120 --> 01:16:56,125
Yeah. Which is nuts, because
she's not completely disgusted by you.

1438
01:16:56,280 --> 01:16:58,647
I don't get it. I don't know where
I'm gonna find another one like her.

1439
01:16:58,840 --> 01:17:00,330
Yeah. I don't know, man.

1440
01:17:01,200 --> 01:17:03,771
Maybe we've just made all the wrong moves.

1441
01:17:04,840 --> 01:17:07,844
Maybe, this whole time,
we've been focusing on all the wrong stuff

1442
01:17:08,000 --> 01:17:09,889
and now it's just too late.

1443
01:17:10,440 --> 01:17:12,204
To the wrong stuff.

1444
01:17:13,240 --> 01:17:15,607
This is it. We can't pass "eleven."

1445
01:17:17,160 --> 01:17:18,491
What are you talking about?

1446
01:17:19,440 --> 01:17:21,124
Our drink number.

1447
01:17:21,320 --> 01:17:23,721
In every male and female friendship,
there's a number of drinks,

1448
01:17:23,880 --> 01:17:27,168
and if you pass it,
you have to have sex, mathematically.

1449
01:17:27,840 --> 01:17:29,444
Whatever, dude.

1450
01:17:32,440 --> 01:17:34,522
Oi. Sorry. Loud noise.

1451
01:17:34,680 --> 01:17:36,409
Where did that come from?

1452
01:17:36,560 --> 01:17:38,927
Uh... The floor.

1453
01:17:40,200 --> 01:17:43,409
One, two, three. That's three.

1454
01:17:45,400 --> 01:17:47,801
Four, five, six.

1455
01:17:49,760 --> 01:17:50,966
Seven.

1456
01:17:54,160 --> 01:17:55,924
Eight, nine.

1457
01:18:02,040 --> 01:18:04,520
It's just ten. It's just ten.

1458
01:18:08,880 --> 01:18:10,484
Eleven. Did you drink this?

1459
01:18:10,640 --> 01:18:11,641
No.

1460
01:18:11,800 --> 01:18:12,847
Oh, thank God.

1461
01:18:13,040 --> 01:18:14,201
You did.

1462
01:18:26,880 --> 01:18:28,723
This may be a mistake.

1463
01:18:28,880 --> 01:18:30,609
It's just such a bad idea.

1464
01:18:30,760 --> 01:18:33,206
Yeah, I'm sorry. I was, like, trying to
bone the Lucy out of my system.

1465
01:18:33,360 --> 01:18:35,522
Yeah, see, normally,
I feel like I'd be mad at that.

1466
01:18:35,680 --> 01:18:37,489
But I just did
the exact same thing to you.

1467
01:18:37,640 --> 01:18:39,802
Right, yeah. Shit.

1468
01:18:39,960 --> 01:18:41,246
I think I like her.

1469
01:18:42,120 --> 01:18:44,646
Like, when we're together...

1470
01:18:45,800 --> 01:18:49,282
I feel like me, but, like... A better me.

1471
01:18:52,280 --> 01:18:55,489
See, that's the magic.
That's what I got to find.

1472
01:18:55,640 --> 01:18:56,766
Yeah.

1473
01:19:01,600 --> 01:19:03,284
I can let myself out.

1474
01:19:36,280 --> 01:19:37,884
Cheers!

1475
01:19:45,400 --> 01:19:47,129
Whoa!

1476
01:19:47,360 --> 01:19:50,807
Alice! Happy Birthday!

1477
01:19:50,960 --> 01:19:51,961
Hi!

1478
01:19:52,120 --> 01:19:53,724
Thank you. What is that? Give me that.

1479
01:19:54,040 --> 01:19:55,565
Um, this is actually for Meg.

1480
01:19:55,720 --> 01:19:57,290
I had it made for her, specially.

1481
01:19:59,080 --> 01:20:02,209
Aw. That is so sweet. Look how cozy.

1482
01:20:04,480 --> 01:20:06,767
Maybe I'll give it to her. Just, later on.

1483
01:20:06,920 --> 01:20:07,967
Hey!

1484
01:20:08,120 --> 01:20:09,326
No Tom, no Josh,

1485
01:20:09,480 --> 01:20:13,891
I'm just gonna have a really good time and
I'm not gonna think about any boys at all.

1486
01:20:14,040 --> 01:20:15,769
Here's to no drama.

1487
01:20:15,920 --> 01:20:18,526
- No drama.
- Whoo!

1488
01:20:25,880 --> 01:20:27,166
Happy Birthday!

1489
01:20:37,240 --> 01:20:38,241
Whoo!

1490
01:20:46,560 --> 01:20:47,686
Thanks, buddy.

1491
01:20:50,400 --> 01:20:51,765
I'll show you. This way.

1492
01:20:54,400 --> 01:20:56,004
Oh, my God.

1493
01:20:58,200 --> 01:21:00,407
- Dude, Ricky Stimpkins!
- Josh! What's up, man?

1494
01:21:00,560 --> 01:21:02,324
Wow, I haven't seen you
since college, man!

1495
01:21:02,480 --> 01:21:04,005
I'm just hanging.

1496
01:21:04,160 --> 01:21:06,208
I got to go get a drink,
but I'll catch you later.

1497
01:21:06,360 --> 01:21:08,408
- Okay, cool. Yeah, man.
- I'm gonna find Alice.

1498
01:21:09,840 --> 01:21:11,205
Tall person.

1499
01:21:15,120 --> 01:21:16,849
We got a whole "No hats" thing

1500
01:21:17,000 --> 01:21:20,686
but you seem like a good guy,
and, you know...

1501
01:21:21,400 --> 01:21:23,050
Hey. What's up, guys?

1502
01:21:23,200 --> 01:21:24,611
- Hey.
- Hey. Josh.

1503
01:21:25,280 --> 01:21:26,281
You're Josh?

1504
01:21:26,760 --> 01:21:27,761
What's that supposed to mean?

1505
01:21:27,920 --> 01:21:30,730
No... Nothing. Makes total sense.

1506
01:21:30,880 --> 01:21:32,166
Wait, how do you know Alice?

1507
01:21:32,360 --> 01:21:33,521
How do you guys know Alice?

1508
01:21:33,680 --> 01:21:35,170
Oh, fuck me.

1509
01:21:35,320 --> 01:21:36,401
This is Josh.

1510
01:21:36,760 --> 01:21:37,841
Makes sense.

1511
01:21:38,000 --> 01:21:40,321
What? Are you guys new friends, or...

1512
01:21:44,480 --> 01:21:45,481
Oh, my God.

1513
01:21:46,240 --> 01:21:47,401
Come here.

1514
01:21:47,640 --> 01:21:50,689
Um, Tom is here, and David, and Josh.

1515
01:21:50,880 --> 01:21:52,484
And David. Did I say David?

1516
01:21:52,640 --> 01:21:54,404
Yeah, I know, because I invited them.

1517
01:21:54,560 --> 01:21:55,607
You're welcome.

1518
01:21:55,800 --> 01:21:56,961
Why? Why would you do that?

1519
01:21:57,120 --> 01:21:59,930
Because I thought it would be funny.
For me.

1520
01:22:00,080 --> 01:22:04,529
And good for you, emotionally,
to have guys fighting over you.

1521
01:22:08,920 --> 01:22:10,160
- Hey.
- Hey.

1522
01:22:10,360 --> 01:22:11,725
- What's going on?
- How are you?

1523
01:22:12,040 --> 01:22:15,123
Pretty good. Uh, I need to
talk to you about something.

1524
01:22:15,320 --> 01:22:17,322
- Great. Me, too.
- You go first.

1525
01:22:17,480 --> 01:22:19,403
- I'm getting married.
- What?

1526
01:22:20,000 --> 01:22:21,365
That's, uh...

1527
01:22:23,000 --> 01:22:27,688
Look, your computer programs
are total bullshit.

1528
01:22:27,880 --> 01:22:30,406
Your algorithms?
Also, total bullshit, all right?

1529
01:22:30,560 --> 01:22:33,530
Just because the music stops, doesn't mean
you got to sit in the closest chair.

1530
01:22:33,680 --> 01:22:35,808
You shouldn't be with George.

1531
01:22:35,960 --> 01:22:37,086
You should be with me.

1532
01:22:38,880 --> 01:22:41,406
- Yes. I want to be with you.
- What?

1533
01:22:41,600 --> 01:22:44,046
God, all those bad dates at the bar,

1534
01:22:44,200 --> 01:22:46,521
there was something that was always there.

1535
01:22:46,680 --> 01:22:47,727
You.

1536
01:22:50,080 --> 01:22:51,161
It was always me.

1537
01:22:51,360 --> 01:22:53,089
- Yes. Oh, my God.
- Right?

1538
01:22:53,280 --> 01:22:54,566
We could have the best life together.

1539
01:22:54,720 --> 01:22:56,449
And, I mean, we're gonna want
to get married soon

1540
01:22:56,600 --> 01:22:58,728
because we'll probably want to
start a family right away.

1541
01:22:58,880 --> 01:23:02,202
Oh, my God. Our kids...
Our kids are gonna be so cute.

1542
01:23:02,480 --> 01:23:03,811
Exactly.

1543
01:23:03,960 --> 01:23:07,567
Which is why we should just
kind of pump the brakes

1544
01:23:07,720 --> 01:23:09,165
and not rush things, you know?

1545
01:23:09,320 --> 01:23:12,563
Let's take care of us right now.

1546
01:23:12,720 --> 01:23:14,051
Oh, my God, Tom.

1547
01:23:14,200 --> 01:23:15,770
I'm totally messing with you.

1548
01:23:16,080 --> 01:23:17,764
Thank you. Oh, my God.

1549
01:23:17,920 --> 01:23:19,365
I don't want to be with you.

1550
01:23:19,680 --> 01:23:21,409
And you don't want to be with me, either.

1551
01:23:21,600 --> 01:23:23,409
- Wait.
- Babe!

1552
01:23:23,600 --> 01:23:25,170
- Oh, my God.
- I saw everything.

1553
01:23:25,320 --> 01:23:27,049
I thought you were gonna
hyperventilate, man.

1554
01:23:27,200 --> 01:23:28,645
But I didn't!

1555
01:23:28,920 --> 01:23:31,605
Oh, Tom. Come on. Don't be sad.

1556
01:23:31,760 --> 01:23:32,921
You know what this is?

1557
01:23:33,120 --> 01:23:36,090
This is the first,
tiny green sprout of life

1558
01:23:36,280 --> 01:23:39,363
fighting its way out of
the gravel parking lot of your heart.

1559
01:23:39,520 --> 01:23:40,760
So, congrats.

1560
01:23:41,360 --> 01:23:44,728
- That was beautiful.
- Thank you, hon.

1561
01:23:44,880 --> 01:23:46,245
Hang on, one second.

1562
01:23:46,400 --> 01:23:48,448
Hey, quick, man, just one last thing.

1563
01:23:48,600 --> 01:23:51,080
Stay the fuck away
from my girl, okay, man?

1564
01:23:51,240 --> 01:23:53,322
Or I will straight-up end you.

1565
01:23:53,480 --> 01:23:54,481
- Okay. All right.
- Okay?

1566
01:23:54,640 --> 01:23:55,801
So, just back off. You got it?

1567
01:23:55,960 --> 01:23:57,325
- Yeah.
- Because I put a ring on that

1568
01:23:57,480 --> 01:23:59,562
and you're coming at it
pretty hard with your dick.

1569
01:23:59,760 --> 01:24:01,649
- Okay.
- I'm fucking with you, man.

1570
01:24:02,240 --> 01:24:03,241
- Cool, okay.
- No, of course.

1571
01:24:03,400 --> 01:24:05,482
Lucy loves you, I love you.

1572
01:24:05,680 --> 01:24:06,966
We're brothers, now, all right?

1573
01:24:07,120 --> 01:24:09,851
And, as such, I would like to...

1574
01:24:10,240 --> 01:24:11,890
This is a big one...

1575
01:24:12,200 --> 01:24:13,964
Ask you to be my best man.

1576
01:24:16,320 --> 01:24:18,561
- Yeah, you got it.
- I'm fucking with you, bro!

1577
01:24:18,720 --> 01:24:21,690
Of course, you can't be my best man.
You are a stranger to me.

1578
01:24:21,880 --> 01:24:22,927
- Okay?
- Yeah.

1579
01:24:23,120 --> 01:24:25,487
Just to recap...
Stay the fuck away from my girl.

1580
01:24:25,640 --> 01:24:27,244
I don't want you to be my best man.

1581
01:24:27,400 --> 01:24:29,164
We still love you, you're family.

1582
01:24:29,320 --> 01:24:30,560
You'll definitely be
invited to the wedding.

1583
01:24:30,720 --> 01:24:32,370
- Okay.
- But, probably not.

1584
01:24:32,520 --> 01:24:33,806
So, don't be offended.

1585
01:24:34,000 --> 01:24:35,445
I'm glad we had this talk, man.

1586
01:24:41,520 --> 01:24:42,885
Whoo!

1587
01:24:45,320 --> 01:24:46,321
Uh...

1588
01:24:47,560 --> 01:24:48,925
You trying to hide from me?

1589
01:24:49,960 --> 01:24:51,883
- Are you hiding from me? Hi.
- Huh? Hi.

1590
01:24:52,040 --> 01:24:54,202
I didn't see you, right over there.

1591
01:24:54,400 --> 01:24:55,401
It's a good hiding spot.

1592
01:24:56,240 --> 01:24:57,366
Uh, listen.

1593
01:24:58,520 --> 01:24:59,760
I've been thinking about you a lot...

1594
01:24:59,920 --> 01:25:01,729
Look, David, I'm sorry, I...

1595
01:25:01,880 --> 01:25:02,881
I can't do this.

1596
01:25:03,040 --> 01:25:06,408
You made it so clear to me
that you didn't want to, so...

1597
01:25:06,560 --> 01:25:07,971
That's not why I came here at all.

1598
01:25:08,160 --> 01:25:12,725
I just came here to apologize to you
for being such an asshole.

1599
01:25:12,960 --> 01:25:15,201
- Oh.
- Yeah.

1600
01:25:17,360 --> 01:25:18,486
Well, you were right about Phoebe.

1601
01:25:18,640 --> 01:25:20,449
Oh, good. Did you talk to her?

1602
01:25:20,600 --> 01:25:23,206
Well, um, you know, I'm working on it.

1603
01:25:23,360 --> 01:25:25,681
But are you okay?

1604
01:25:30,120 --> 01:25:31,531
I'm working on it.

1605
01:25:36,560 --> 01:25:37,721
Happy Birthday.

1606
01:25:52,640 --> 01:25:54,722
See? I told you this would be fun.

1607
01:25:54,920 --> 01:25:57,127
Although, I thought one of them was, like,
gonna punch each other

1608
01:25:57,280 --> 01:25:58,520
and that hasn't happened yet.

1609
01:25:58,680 --> 01:26:01,251
Robin, this isn't a joke. This is my life.

1610
01:26:01,400 --> 01:26:03,767
But you know what? I guess
you wouldn't actually understand that

1611
01:26:03,920 --> 01:26:07,288
because you've never really cared
about anybody enough to ever get hurt.

1612
01:26:07,440 --> 01:26:09,727
So, this type of thing doesn't affect you.

1613
01:26:09,880 --> 01:26:13,407
Okay. I'm sorry I invited them,
but who gives a shit about me?

1614
01:26:13,600 --> 01:26:15,250
I do, because you're my friend!

1615
01:26:15,440 --> 01:26:17,761
Am I? Because as far as I can tell

1616
01:26:17,920 --> 01:26:20,241
you only ever want to hang out with me
when you get dumped

1617
01:26:20,440 --> 01:26:21,851
and you need someone to cheer you up.

1618
01:26:22,000 --> 01:26:25,449
Well, you only ever hang out with me
when you need me to be your little sidekick.

1619
01:26:25,600 --> 01:26:29,406
The reason why I don't hang around
with you when you're in a relationship,

1620
01:26:29,560 --> 01:26:33,804
is because you just turn into this
lame-ass shell of a human being.

1621
01:26:34,240 --> 01:26:35,241
Nice.

1622
01:26:35,400 --> 01:26:37,448
- Yeah, do you want some real advice?
- Yeah, what?

1623
01:26:37,600 --> 01:26:42,288
You're not gonna find the right guy
by bumming free drinks and slutting it up.

1624
01:26:42,440 --> 01:26:43,965
Where is this coming from?

1625
01:26:44,120 --> 01:26:45,929
This whole time,
you've been the one that's like,

1626
01:26:46,080 --> 01:26:48,811
"Oh, yeah, parties and dicks and shots.

1627
01:26:48,960 --> 01:26:52,646
"Let's put shots all over our bodies.
More sparkles, bitch!"

1628
01:26:52,800 --> 01:26:57,122
It's about me being sick of you just meeting
guys and falling into their dick-sand.

1629
01:26:57,280 --> 01:26:58,406
Falling into their what?

1630
01:26:58,560 --> 01:27:00,403
Their dick-sand.

1631
01:27:00,560 --> 01:27:02,801
It's like, every time
a guy just looks at you,

1632
01:27:02,960 --> 01:27:04,689
you just forget who you are, and...

1633
01:27:04,880 --> 01:27:06,041
Like... "Oh!"

1634
01:27:07,440 --> 01:27:09,090
You get sucked into their world.

1635
01:27:09,920 --> 01:27:11,809
At least when I do decide
I want a boyfriend...

1636
01:27:11,960 --> 01:27:14,327
I'm gonna find someone
who likes me for who I really am,

1637
01:27:14,480 --> 01:27:17,211
because I know who the fuck that is.

1638
01:28:01,040 --> 01:28:02,087
Hey.

1639
01:28:02,600 --> 01:28:03,840
Oh, my God.

1640
01:28:04,520 --> 01:28:06,648
Happy Birthday.

1641
01:28:07,520 --> 01:28:09,249
It's your birthday!

1642
01:28:10,840 --> 01:28:12,808
And I drank some of your gift.

1643
01:28:21,680 --> 01:28:22,806
You okay?

1644
01:28:27,760 --> 01:28:29,364
No. No.

1645
01:28:36,560 --> 01:28:38,801
God, you look pretty when you're pissed.

1646
01:28:47,000 --> 01:28:49,002
I missed these.

1647
01:28:52,840 --> 01:28:54,251
- What are we doing?
- We're about to have sex.

1648
01:28:54,400 --> 01:28:55,447
What?

1649
01:28:56,240 --> 01:28:57,685
- God.
- What?

1650
01:28:58,080 --> 01:29:01,209
So, ever since I saw you,
I feel like we fucked up.

1651
01:29:01,360 --> 01:29:03,010
I shouldn't have let you go.

1652
01:29:04,760 --> 01:29:09,288
Because Michelle and I are still together,
and we're actually engaged

1653
01:29:09,440 --> 01:29:11,249
- and I feel like we're fucking up...
- What? What?

1654
01:29:11,400 --> 01:29:14,529
We're getting married,
but I don't know if I want to do it yet.

1655
01:29:15,280 --> 01:29:16,520
- Oh, my God.
- Wait!

1656
01:29:16,680 --> 01:29:18,728
- I'm just telling...
- Oh, my God.

1657
01:29:18,880 --> 01:29:20,405
- Oh, my God.
- Come here, come here.

1658
01:29:20,560 --> 01:29:22,608
You just let me make out
with somebody else's fiancé.

1659
01:29:22,760 --> 01:29:25,047
No, it's not cheating,
since we've already been together.

1660
01:29:25,200 --> 01:29:26,645
- What are you doing?
- Wait, just...

1661
01:29:26,840 --> 01:29:28,046
You told me you missed me!

1662
01:29:28,200 --> 01:29:30,851
I... That's the whole point,
I miss you all the time.

1663
01:29:31,000 --> 01:29:35,642
I saw you and you were so beautiful,
and you are so beautiful.

1664
01:29:36,400 --> 01:29:38,243
And I just need closure...

1665
01:29:38,400 --> 01:29:39,481
- I think we need...
- Is that what this...

1666
01:29:39,680 --> 01:29:41,284
- This is closure for you?
- Yeah.

1667
01:29:41,480 --> 01:29:43,209
Just one last screw for old times' sake

1668
01:29:43,360 --> 01:29:45,966
before you go and settle down
with somebody else?

1669
01:29:46,120 --> 01:29:47,360
That's not...

1670
01:29:48,680 --> 01:29:50,842
I'm sorry, all right?

1671
01:29:51,440 --> 01:29:53,681
- Alice.
- No, you know, what?

1672
01:29:53,840 --> 01:29:56,320
I'm sorry. This is my fault.

1673
01:29:56,480 --> 01:29:59,006
I spent so much time wanting you back

1674
01:29:59,200 --> 01:30:01,726
that, when I thought
that you wanted me back,

1675
01:30:01,880 --> 01:30:03,848
it's like I lost my mind for a second.

1676
01:30:05,040 --> 01:30:06,769
Oh, my God. This is it!
This is the dick-sand.

1677
01:30:06,960 --> 01:30:08,928
I'm falling into your dick-sand right now.

1678
01:30:09,080 --> 01:30:10,923
- What?
- It's like quicksand, but with dicks.

1679
01:30:11,080 --> 01:30:12,127
I don't have dick-sand.

1680
01:30:12,280 --> 01:30:16,808
I'm so obsessed with the idea of
being in love that I just, it's like...

1681
01:30:17,640 --> 01:30:19,529
I completely lose myself.

1682
01:30:19,760 --> 01:30:23,242
Like, I forget what I want
and I just disappear.

1683
01:30:23,400 --> 01:30:25,243
I'm like the horse
in The Never ending Story.

1684
01:30:25,440 --> 01:30:28,171
I don't think it's coming out
like it's inside your head.

1685
01:30:29,120 --> 01:30:31,566
Josh. I want to be alone.

1686
01:30:33,080 --> 01:30:35,003
I know that I've said that a lot.

1687
01:30:36,000 --> 01:30:40,369
But, for the first time in my life,
I really, really, truly mean it.

1688
01:30:41,720 --> 01:30:43,768
Congratulations on your engagement.

1689
01:31:09,840 --> 01:31:11,126
Where to?

1690
01:31:11,520 --> 01:31:12,646
Home.

1691
01:31:14,880 --> 01:31:16,245
I'm going home.

1692
01:31:19,400 --> 01:31:21,607
Woman! I don't know
where the fuck you live.

1693
01:31:21,800 --> 01:31:23,211
Oh, I'm sorry.

1694
01:31:23,360 --> 01:31:25,488
Um, can I go to South Second and Berry?

1695
01:31:31,040 --> 01:31:32,849
Oh, my God!

1696
01:31:33,400 --> 01:31:35,323
Robin? Oh, my God!

1697
01:31:36,040 --> 01:31:38,407
Oh, my God! Are you okay?

1698
01:31:38,560 --> 01:31:40,085
Take us to the hospital,
and I won't sue you!

1699
01:31:40,240 --> 01:31:42,129
- What's happening?
- We got to go...

1700
01:31:42,480 --> 01:31:44,608
Hey!

1701
01:31:46,120 --> 01:31:47,201
Oh, God!

1702
01:31:47,360 --> 01:31:48,441
Oh, my God, it's happening.

1703
01:31:48,600 --> 01:31:49,681
No, no, no.
It's fine, it's fine, it's fine.

1704
01:31:49,840 --> 01:31:50,841
- Oh, my God!
- No, it's fine!

1705
01:31:51,000 --> 01:31:52,206
I got her, I got her.

1706
01:31:52,400 --> 01:31:55,210
The average labor
for a new mom is 26 hours.

1707
01:31:55,400 --> 01:31:57,084
It doesn't pop out like it does on TV.

1708
01:31:57,280 --> 01:31:58,930
- It's gonna be fine.
- Okay.

1709
01:31:59,080 --> 01:32:00,730
- Oh, my God!
- Oh, my God!

1710
01:32:00,880 --> 01:32:02,450
Oh, my God, is it fine?
Is everything fine?

1711
01:32:02,600 --> 01:32:03,601
- Get a cab. Get me a cab.
- Okay!

1712
01:32:03,760 --> 01:32:04,921
I've got one!

1713
01:32:06,600 --> 01:32:08,284
Ooh!

1714
01:32:09,560 --> 01:32:11,688
Take us to the hospital
and I won't sue you!

1715
01:32:12,280 --> 01:32:14,487
This is bad.

1716
01:32:15,800 --> 01:32:17,882
- Okay, okay.
- Oh... This is really bad!

1717
01:32:19,200 --> 01:32:21,282
I need to call my patients and say sorry.

1718
01:32:21,480 --> 01:32:22,481
No.

1719
01:32:22,800 --> 01:32:24,802
This is not natural!

1720
01:32:24,960 --> 01:32:25,961
- Okay.
- God!

1721
01:32:26,120 --> 01:32:29,563
You're at 10 centimeters and you've already
entered the second phase of labor,

1722
01:32:29,720 --> 01:32:31,563
- known as active labor.
- What?

1723
01:32:32,040 --> 01:32:34,042
I went to medical school.
Is that so hard to believe?

1724
01:32:34,200 --> 01:32:35,201
Yes!

1725
01:32:35,400 --> 01:32:37,129
This is gonna happen, like, right now.

1726
01:32:37,320 --> 01:32:38,560
Get your foot off my tit.

1727
01:32:38,720 --> 01:32:40,085
Get your foot off my tit, okay?

1728
01:32:40,280 --> 01:32:41,930
It's coming. You are the cliché!

1729
01:32:42,080 --> 01:32:45,129
You are the lady who's about to
have a baby in the back of a taxi

1730
01:32:45,280 --> 01:32:48,170
and I'm the Australian-American hero
who's gonna make it happen!

1731
01:32:48,320 --> 01:32:50,129
- In the cab, though?
- Don't worry, Meg.

1732
01:32:50,280 --> 01:32:53,602
My hands and my mouth have both
been recently sterilized by vodka.

1733
01:32:53,760 --> 01:32:55,171
- Feels like it's coming out.
- No, no, no, no...

1734
01:32:55,320 --> 01:32:56,367
I'm going in. I'm going in.

1735
01:32:56,520 --> 01:32:57,601
- Chant with me!
- Hold it inside!

1736
01:32:57,800 --> 01:32:59,564
- We can do this.
- Do this.

1737
01:32:59,760 --> 01:33:01,922
We can do this.

1738
01:33:02,080 --> 01:33:03,491
We can do this, we can do this.

1739
01:33:05,720 --> 01:33:07,131
We're here! We're here!

1740
01:33:07,280 --> 01:33:08,361
- Get out. Get out.
- Okay, open the door.

1741
01:33:08,560 --> 01:33:09,891
- Shit, the door's...
- Open the door.

1742
01:33:10,040 --> 01:33:11,246
- It won't open!
- Open the door!

1743
01:33:11,400 --> 01:33:12,447
- It won't open!
- The door!

1744
01:33:12,600 --> 01:33:15,001
Wait! The window's working.
We just got to...

1745
01:33:15,160 --> 01:33:16,685
- What are you doing?
- The door's locked!

1746
01:33:17,200 --> 01:33:18,201
Just open the door!

1747
01:33:18,840 --> 01:33:19,841
It's coming out!

1748
01:33:20,160 --> 01:33:22,811
Robin! Okay, you have to help her!

1749
01:33:22,960 --> 01:33:24,803
You have to help her.
She's gonna help you, okay?

1750
01:33:24,960 --> 01:33:25,961
- I can't.
- Help her.

1751
01:33:26,160 --> 01:33:27,161
Come on!

1752
01:33:27,600 --> 01:33:29,090
Close your legs really tight.

1753
01:33:29,240 --> 01:33:30,605
Do not let it come out!

1754
01:33:32,040 --> 01:33:33,530
Robin, it was locked!

1755
01:33:35,480 --> 01:33:36,845
Come on!

1756
01:33:39,200 --> 01:33:40,326
- Oh! My purse.
- No, no, no, no!

1757
01:33:40,480 --> 01:33:41,811
- Keep it inside.
- It's coming out!

1758
01:33:41,960 --> 01:33:42,961
I need a... We need a wheelchair.

1759
01:33:43,120 --> 01:33:44,360
Jesus. Okay, don't let it come out!

1760
01:33:44,520 --> 01:33:45,851
- It's gonna come out.
- Don't let it come out.

1761
01:33:46,000 --> 01:33:47,889
- Wait, Meg. Meg! Meg!
- I need to... I need to push.

1762
01:33:48,080 --> 01:33:49,923
- It's coming out. It's coming out.
- Are you coming?

1763
01:33:50,080 --> 01:33:51,889
You don't need me anymore.

1764
01:33:55,240 --> 01:33:56,526
- Okay.
- Oh, God. Okay.

1765
01:33:57,200 --> 01:33:58,884
- I'm scared.
- I'm right here.

1766
01:34:19,080 --> 01:34:20,127
Hi.

1767
01:34:21,920 --> 01:34:23,046
I called him.

1768
01:34:25,200 --> 01:34:29,330
Look, I know you don't want me here,
but just listen to me, okay?

1769
01:34:30,400 --> 01:34:32,641
You like me. A lot.

1770
01:34:33,720 --> 01:34:34,767
And I like you.

1771
01:34:35,560 --> 01:34:37,642
And you're crazy. That's a fact.

1772
01:34:38,040 --> 01:34:40,930
Honestly, I think you're probably
just as crazy when you're not pregnant.

1773
01:34:42,200 --> 01:34:45,443
But I'm allowed to say that,
because I love you.

1774
01:34:47,560 --> 01:34:48,607
I love you.

1775
01:34:52,240 --> 01:34:53,765
I'm gonna come back later.

1776
01:34:56,440 --> 01:34:57,930
Thanks for calling.

1777
01:34:58,080 --> 01:34:59,286
Don't be weird.

1778
01:34:59,440 --> 01:35:01,124
Thank you, thank...

1779
01:35:02,120 --> 01:35:04,566
Well, are you gonna come meet her or not?

1780
01:35:04,760 --> 01:35:06,125
- Her?
- Mmm-hmm.

1781
01:35:07,160 --> 01:35:08,650
It's a "her"?

1782
01:35:11,640 --> 01:35:13,688
This is baby Madeline.

1783
01:35:13,840 --> 01:35:16,081
Oh, my God, look at you.

1784
01:35:16,960 --> 01:35:18,644
Happy Birthday, sweetheart.

1785
01:35:20,240 --> 01:35:21,651
She's beautiful.

1786
01:35:23,160 --> 01:35:25,162
And I think I love you, too.

1787
01:35:27,080 --> 01:35:29,811
I mean, I do love you,
I don't know why I just said that.

1788
01:35:29,960 --> 01:35:31,530
I really love you.

1789
01:35:31,680 --> 01:35:34,047
I really, really love you.

1790
01:35:34,200 --> 01:35:35,645
I mean, I don't...

1791
01:35:35,800 --> 01:35:38,485
I can totally handle
all of this by myself.

1792
01:35:38,640 --> 01:35:39,641
I'm an independent woman.

1793
01:35:39,800 --> 01:35:40,926
My God, seriously?

1794
01:35:41,200 --> 01:35:42,725
But I don't want to.

1795
01:35:43,400 --> 01:35:44,481
I don't.

1796
01:35:46,840 --> 01:35:47,841
Mmm.

1797
01:35:50,760 --> 01:35:51,761
- Hi.
- Mmm.

1798
01:35:53,320 --> 01:35:56,130
Doesn't she look like an alien?

1799
01:35:56,720 --> 01:35:59,371
You are the most beautiful alien
in the world.

1800
01:38:00,440 --> 01:38:01,441
Hi.

1801
01:38:02,280 --> 01:38:03,361
What do you want?

1802
01:38:03,800 --> 01:38:07,043
I wanted to tell you that I know
that I can do a lot of things on my own.

1803
01:38:07,200 --> 01:38:11,000
And I can unzip my own dress,
but I want you to do it for me.

1804
01:38:11,840 --> 01:38:13,569
That sounded really weird. Um...

1805
01:38:14,480 --> 01:38:16,323
I want you to watch me unzip my dress.

1806
01:38:16,480 --> 01:38:19,484
No, sorry. That sounded really sexual.
That's not what I meant.

1807
01:38:19,640 --> 01:38:22,484
What I meant is
I want to unzip my own dress

1808
01:38:22,640 --> 01:38:26,486
and I just want you to be around,
because you're my best friend.

1809
01:38:28,320 --> 01:38:29,651
And I love you.

1810
01:38:31,000 --> 01:38:32,968
And I'm totally in love with you, too.

1811
01:38:33,840 --> 01:38:35,569
This is more than just a friendship.

1812
01:38:36,360 --> 01:38:38,328
I'm so glad you feel the same way.

1813
01:38:40,000 --> 01:38:41,889
Just joking!

1814
01:38:42,240 --> 01:38:44,242
- Oh, my God.
- I got you.

1815
01:38:44,400 --> 01:38:46,050
Oh, but I do love you.

1816
01:38:46,200 --> 01:38:47,690
- And I missed you.
- Oh.

1817
01:38:48,040 --> 01:38:51,010
I've been having
Alice withdrawal, seriously.

1818
01:38:54,240 --> 01:38:56,561
Wait, are you kidding me?
Is this where you live?

1819
01:38:56,800 --> 01:39:00,282
Robin! This is your 500 square feet,

1820
01:39:00,440 --> 01:39:02,727
where you keep your clothes
and occasionally bathe?

1821
01:39:03,360 --> 01:39:04,600
Uh, yeah.

1822
01:39:05,040 --> 01:39:06,769
I'm super rich. Did I not mention that?

1823
01:39:06,960 --> 01:39:09,008
Wait. Why do we always
hang out at my place?

1824
01:39:09,200 --> 01:39:10,645
Why did you even work at the firm?

1825
01:39:12,040 --> 01:39:14,088
Wait, why do I pay for everything
all the time?

1826
01:39:15,360 --> 01:39:16,441
Wow.

1827
01:39:16,600 --> 01:39:19,410
Well, I didn't really need
to work at the firm.

1828
01:39:19,560 --> 01:39:22,723
I just really liked hanging out with you.

1829
01:39:22,880 --> 01:39:24,803
And screwing those two security guys.

1830
01:39:24,960 --> 01:39:26,086
Why do you have a scooter?

1831
01:39:26,240 --> 01:39:27,571
This is my indoor scooter.

1832
01:39:28,080 --> 01:39:29,411
I have the whole floor.

1833
01:39:29,640 --> 01:39:32,041
I have literally paid the bill,
every time we've gone out.

1834
01:39:32,200 --> 01:39:34,168
But that's how you stay super rich.

1835
01:39:34,560 --> 01:39:35,561
God!

1836
01:39:35,720 --> 01:39:37,131
You have so much to learn from me, still.

1837
01:39:37,320 --> 01:39:38,890
I want you to be my sugar-daddy.

1838
01:39:39,040 --> 01:39:40,724
I'll be your sugar-sister.

1839
01:39:41,880 --> 01:39:43,325
I thought you didn't do breakfast?

1840
01:39:43,600 --> 01:39:45,648
You're ruining it.

1841
01:39:48,080 --> 01:39:51,243
I've been thinking that
the time we have to be single,

1842
01:39:51,640 --> 01:39:54,723
is really the time we have
to get good at being alone.

1843
01:39:56,200 --> 01:39:59,568
But how good at being alone
do we really want to be?

1844
01:40:00,480 --> 01:40:04,087
Isn't there a danger
that you'll get so good at being single,

1845
01:40:04,240 --> 01:40:07,841
so set in your ways that you'll miss out
on the chance to be with somebody great?

1846
01:40:08,000 --> 01:40:09,240
Hello, hello, hello, hello.

1847
01:40:14,880 --> 01:40:17,451
Some people take baby steps
to settle down.

1848
01:40:25,080 --> 01:40:27,128
Some people refuse to settle at all.

1849
01:40:33,120 --> 01:40:35,168
Sometimes, it's not statistics.

1850
01:40:36,200 --> 01:40:38,328
It's just chemistry.

1851
01:40:40,840 --> 01:40:43,286
And sometimes, just because it is over,

1852
01:40:43,840 --> 01:40:45,968
doesn't mean the love ends.

1853
01:40:48,200 --> 01:40:51,124
Um... I want to talk to
you about your mom.

1854
01:40:52,720 --> 01:40:55,087
She got sick when you were really little

1855
01:40:55,240 --> 01:40:59,643
and I don't talk about her
because I still miss her.

1856
01:41:00,560 --> 01:41:01,641
Every day.

1857
01:41:03,360 --> 01:41:06,682
But we need to talk about her.

1858
01:41:07,640 --> 01:41:08,846
Who's that?

1859
01:41:09,240 --> 01:41:10,241
Me.

1860
01:41:10,680 --> 01:41:11,886
Who's that?

1861
01:41:12,400 --> 01:41:14,004
- Mommy.
- Yeah.

1862
01:41:15,000 --> 01:41:17,002
A lot of good memories in here.

1863
01:41:22,240 --> 01:41:23,480
I want to show you something.

1864
01:41:42,000 --> 01:41:44,241
The Eyes of You song.

1865
01:41:45,840 --> 01:41:47,524
The Eyes of You song.

1866
01:42:15,560 --> 01:42:17,767
Now I know why you never sing.

1867
01:42:18,200 --> 01:42:19,326
Why?

1868
01:42:19,480 --> 01:42:22,404
Because your voice is so bad.

1869
01:42:23,480 --> 01:42:26,324
What are you talking about?
That was excellent.

1870
01:42:26,800 --> 01:42:30,850
The thing about being single is,
you should cherish it.

1871
01:42:31,800 --> 01:42:36,010
Because, in a week,
or a lifetime, of being alone,

1872
01:42:36,800 --> 01:42:38,723
you may only get one moment.

1873
01:42:43,760 --> 01:42:48,084
One moment, when you're not tied up
in a relationship with anyone.

1874
01:42:49,120 --> 01:42:52,567
A parent, a pet, a sibling, a friend.

1875
01:43:02,320 --> 01:43:05,085
One moment, when you stand on your own.

1876
01:43:09,320 --> 01:43:11,288
Really, truly single.

1877
01:43:20,280 --> 01:43:21,361
And then...

1878
01:43:25,120 --> 01:43:26,565
It's gone.