A Chrimma Pronce

On his third day, there was nothing.

There never was a third day.  Why did you think there would be a third day? Who told you such preposterous things?

---

Things went wrong on day four.

He was starting to get a hang of this tutoring job - Janice was a budding inventor, and took well to science. She was struggling with pouring liquids into test tubes, but Carlos was confident she'd get better.

"Hello, Princess. Ready for another day of school?" He asked. She shook her head sweetly.

"No, Carlos. I'd rather not."

He recoiled. "How did you-"

"Well, you were supposedly from Mibschigun, but never reacted when I mentioned it," she started, wheeling closer. "And you left out a notebook that said 'Carlos's Science Journal' on the cover."

He gulped. "It was an accident, really, please don't tell anyone! I'll just leave, I'm so sorry, I'll-"

She laughed. Not manically, not childishly. Just a laugh. "I'm not going to tattle. You're the only tutor I've ever liked. Besides, Uncle Cecil is quite taken with you."

"He... is?" In his rush of doing such interesting research, could he have failed to notice such a thing?

"He only talks about you, like, constantly." She then rolled her eyes, eager to move on. "So! Can you help me add a rocket to my wheelchair? I'll blackmail you if you don't!"

Kids say the darndest things.

---

Time is weird, right? Why even use units of measure to track it. It's such a limiting way to view the world! Like, y'know, why bother with the passage of time.

---

By the [REDACTED BY THE SECRET ROYAL POLICE] day, Carlos knew he was in too deep. From a purely scientific perspective: he had a crush and he had really fucked up. Like, majorly boned it. Beefed it so hard. He would probably be arrested and re-educated.

The crush wasn't that big of a deal, now that he reflected on it.

He and Cecil were in a log cabin on that Christmas Eve. It had appeared inside the castle last night - intersecting other rooms like a glitch in a video game. He had intended to investigate it, seeing as this was scientifically fascinating, but instead he ended up drinking hot cocoa with the prince.

Life is like that sometimes.

"And it's complicated, because obviously I love my sister! And if Hidden Gorge picked her, I know she'd be an excellent ruler. But, UGH, that'd make Steve Carlsberg the king," Cecil groaned, cozy next to the fire.

Carlos was pretty sure that wouldn't be his title - wouldn't be a consort of some sorts? But he wasn't a linguist. He was a scientist. That's been well established, why would you think he was a linguist? Weirdo.

"That's tough," he said, putting a hand on his knee in comfort. Cecil leaned his head onto his shoulder.

"You always know what to say, Hiram."

Shit.

He'd have to tell Cecil the truth eventually, if he wanted this to be a thing. Which he did. But that would require -

His thoughts were interrupted by loud pulsating thrums and a squeal from Cecil. "The coronation! I simply must find something to wear - oh Hiram! Join us in the throneroom in five minutes!" He then danced away, preforming the macarena with regal grace.

---

Carlos was there in four minutes, wearing a dapper suit with his formal labcoat. He still had to establish that he was a quirky protagonist, after all.

The rest of the royals soon followed suit - each outfit more elaborate than the last. Except for Steve, who wore a polo and khakis.

Ugh.

The noise grew more cacophonous, and though no words were said, their hearts knew who had been chosen.

Janice Marie Palmer was the newest queen of Night Vale.

Everyone ooh'd and aah'd, full of pride. The queen was, understandably, shocked, but wheeled towards the throne with poise. A crown was placed upon her head, the bloodstone rituals had been completed, and her reign officially began.

"Thank you, thank you!" Janice said, as if she were adressing her people. But there wasn't anybody else in the room, besides the Secret Royal Police. "I'd like to thank my mom, my step-dad, my uncle... oh! And my new tutor, duh. Come closer Car- Hiram. The cameras can't see you from there."

"Cameras?" He asked heistantly.

"The entire kingdom is watching us. They're always watching us," Cecil said. He looked stone cold, then smiled. "I'm just messing with you. They aren't always watching! C'mon."

He stood close to the family, hyper-aware of how out of place he was.