Celestia Orders Pizza (AiE; short/funny)

Dec 7th, 2015
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  1. >Finished up a long night of playing Canasta with the royal ponies.
  2. >Twilight couldn't make it so you had to be Celestia's partner.
  3. >Luna refuses to be with her sister so she's always paired up with Cadence.
  4. >You felt a little awkward, like any young adult would feel in a retirement home or something like that.
  5. >All the older mares did was gossip and drink boxed wine.
  6. >You couldn't believe the most powerful ponies in the entire country drank something so cheap and terrible.
  7. >Celestia was cleaning up the cards and dirty plates as Cadence and Luna wobbled off to sleep or whatever it was they were going to do.
  8. >"You learned fast, Anon, thank you for filling in tonight."
  9. >She winked and you blushed.
  10. >Celestia knew you had a bit of a crush on her.
  11. >To put it mildly.
  12. >She still hasn't quite returned your advances but maybe she had enough wine to at least--
  13. >"All that excitement has left me quite hungry. Care to join me for something appropriate for this hour?"
  14. "What would that be?"
  15. >"Why, pizza, Anonymous! You told me you went to college! Certainly you have had a late night pizza delivery!"
  16. >Practically once a week, if you remembered correctly.
  17. >It never occurred to you that Celestia ate pizza.
  18. >Especially the kind you get this late at night.
  19. >"Come, Anonymous! We must write a letter to Little Caesar!"
  20. >She happily trotted to a desk with parchment and a quill.
  21. >You noticed Luna wasn't the only one with a bit of a sway to her step.
  22. >"Hmmm, what toppings, Anon?"
  23. >Before you have a chance to answer...
  24. >"I like fresh tomatoes and banana peppers!"
  25. >She began scribbling.
  26. >"That will be enough for me, what do you want?"
  27. "Umm...all the toppings I like are...ya know, meat."
  28. >"Oh....that is unfortunate. The griffon pizzeria closed two hours ago."
  29. >Wait you could have been getting hot sausage and pepperoni all this time?!
  30. >You bit your lip and could taste blood.
  31. >Six months of vegetarian everything for no damned reason
  32. >You settled on red peppers and fresh mozzarella.
  33. >"I should get one for Luna too, she enjoys feta cheese."
  34. >Celestia scratched the last bit of information on the parchment, rolled it up into a scroll, and sent it away with her magic.
  35. "Wait...why would you send that to Spike?"
  36. >She blinked, then giggled.
  37. >"Oh Anon, Spike isn't the only dragon I employ. Little Caesar works at the pizzeria."
  38. >You got to be kidding me.
  39. >"He is a little older than Spike but all he does is help out there. He eats a little too much though, working in a pizza parlor afterall."
  40. >She smiles.
  41. >Oh god you know that smile.
  42. >That's the smile of someone about to...
  43. >"You might say he's gotten a little..."
  44. >No
  45. >Please
  46. >Don't.
  47. >"..doughy!"
  48. >She smiles super wide.
  49. >You feel your soul wince in pain.
  50. >"Hehehe, I do believe some of this wine has gotten to my head."
  51. >She continues having a giggle fit while you facepalm and consider leaping from the tower.
  52. >All of this is interrupted when another letter materializes and plops to the floor.
  53. >"...what is this?"
  54. >You retrieve the scroll and unroll it.
  55. "It says they don't deliver past 1. No exceptions. Even for Princesses."
  56. >She snatches the letter with her magic.
  57. >You watch her eyes scan the text.
  58. >"New manager!? Oh I will...come Anonymous. We do battle."
  59. >What?
  60. >She's already out the door, storming down the hallway.
  61. >"Nobody makes Princess Celestia use the pickup option!"
  62. >You sprint to catch up.
  63. >You've never seen her move this fast before.
  64. "Why not...send one of the guards!?"
  65. >"THEY'LL SCREW IT UP!!"
  66. >She bellows at the top of her lungs but clears her throat and quickly regains her sunny disposition.
  67. >"Besides, I believe this new manager requires a stern talking to from his best customer."
  68. >She forced a smile while she kicked open the front door to the palace.
  69. >You followed Celestia into the city.
  70. >Ponies still awake gasped and bowed,
  71. >Most saw how determined she looked and got out of her way in a hurry.
  72. >You had to practically jog to keep pace.
  73. >"No delivery past 1..."
  74. >She kept mumbling to herself.
  75. >You were a little worried for the safety of whoever made that change but truth be told you were looking forward to seeing Celestia act improper for once.
  76. >Who knew it only took a box of wine and undelivered pizza to get her all riled up?
  77. >When you got there, it looked like the kind of place you'd find in Brooklyn NY.
  78. >You know when it reads "PIZZA" on a green or red awning, right before some mobster shoots the place up.
  79. >Only thing missing was "TONYS FAMOUS" or something equally stereotypical.
  80. >She let herself in, the door yanked clean open with her magic, and you reluctantly followed.
  81. >There was a tubby looking dragon laying across the counter.
  82. >He had yellowish scakes with red and white speckles about them.
  83. >A little taller than Spike but definitely fatter
  84. >Celestia noticed he was snoozing and she angrily stomped her hoof.
  85. >He was startled awake and nearly fell off the counter.
  86. >When he saw who it was he straightened up really quickly.
  87. >"Eyyyy! Celestia!"
  88. >Jesus Motherfucking Christ, he even had the accent.
  89. >You know the kind.
  90. >"Don't you 'eyyyyy' me, Caesar!"
  91. >She snorted and the dragon looked very nervous.
  92. >"I pay triple what every other pony pays for your pizzas and I pay extra for Red Sauce to keep his mouth closed about my shopping here, how DARE you refuse to deliver to my castle!"
  93. >His tail began to thrash about.
  94. >"Come aaaahn, ya know there ain't no pony I rather deliver to then you! Problems is this new guy...I don't know what he's thinkin' but he don't wanna have delivery pony past midnight! Something bout profits, they low or something!"
  95. >"I'm sure you eating everything has nothing to do with it!"
  96. >He cleared his throat and fidgeted.
  97. >"Get him. Now."
  98. >Caesar nodded and leaped off the counter.
  99. "Do you think you were too hard on him?"
  100. >You asked, after Celestia took a seat in one of those red booth things every pizza place on earth has.
  101. >She snorted again and tapped the table.
  102. >"He was always a lazy little shit."
  103. >Holy hell, she was mean when she was hungry.
  104. >"Sunset Shimmer hatched him to be an assistant but all he ever did was eat, sleep, and steal."
  105. "Sounds like a dragon to me."
  106. >"Hardly."
  107. >The door from the back opened and a poindexter-ish pony emerged.
  108. >"Princess Celestia!?"
  109. >He blurted out and bowed.
  110. >She grinned.
  111. >It frightened you a little.
  112. >"Are you the one who decided to stop delivering to the castle?"
  113. >Her tone had changed a little.
  114. >It was still stern but it had that motherly quality back in it.
  115. >The pony nodded and looked like he was about to cry.
  116. >"Business was slow after midnight, I just thought--"
  117. >"It's alright, little one. Stand up."
  118. >He shakily got up.
  119. >Celestia smiled warmly at him.
  120. >You were in awe of her manipulating this poor pony.
  121. >"Lets say this time you throw in some garlic bread."
  122. "And an eggplant parm hero."
  123. >She shot you a look.
  124. >You stuck your tongue out.
  125. >"I-I-I....I can do that!"
  126. >He galloped back and started yelling at Caesar to prepare the extensive order.
  127. >Celestia smiled.
  128. "Does this happen often?"
  129. >"What, Anon?"
  130. "You happily threaten ponies for free food?"
  131. >"Oh, come now, if he had simply delivered the pizza like he should have, we wouldn't be in this predicament."
  132. >She nudged you under the table with one of her legs.
  133. >Then winked.
  134. >You fumbled for something to say but couldn't come up with anything.
  135. >Stupid sexy Celestia.
  136. >30 minutes (or less) later
  137. >Celestia trots happily out of the pizza parlor, a slice of pizza hanging from her mouth.
  138. >You're in trail, carrying three pizza boxes, a smaller box full of breadsticks and a foil wrapped hero.
  139. >"Meemmmfaps Mumfm moo mahmb um mem"
  140. >She tried to talk between bites.
  141. "Chew and swallow, Princess."
  142. >She rolled her eyes but complied.
  143. >"I said, 'perhaps I was too hard on them', for this pizza is quite good."
  144. >She nibbled on the crust.
  145. >You wish you could know yourself but she snatched a piece then 'encouraged' you to carry the rest and follow her.
  146. >"We should go on pizza dates more often, Anon! Perhaps we can try that place with the griffons. Meat on pizza sounds revolting but I am sure you will enjoy it."
  147. >Got that right.
  148. >Wait..
  149. >Date?
  150. "Princess, this isn't a date."
  151. >"Oh why not, Anon? We went out together, bought food--"
  152. "Hustled food."
  153. >"Details. We ACQUIRED food, and even had a delightful conversation!~"
  154. "About the food we were going to demand for free."
  155. >It was her turn to stick her tongue out at you.
  156. >"Don't be a gloomy gus, Anon."
  157. >Yea, she was right, all this time you have been trying to get her to go on a date with you.
  158. >So what if the first one was pizza and misdemeanor robbery?
  159. "Can we skip Canasta with your girlfriends next time then?"
  160. >"I suppose we could. Do you like racing? I have been told the wonderbolt derby is a delightful time!"
  161. "I can't afford tickets."
  162. >She laughed.
  163. >"Don't be ridiculous, Anon. I can be your...what is the term? Mother of sugar?"
  164. "Sure. That's it."
  165. >"Splendid! Now hurry, we have to get back before the pizza gets cold or Luna becomes morose."
  166. >She picked up the pace, you struggled to follow.
  167. >What a friggin' night.
  168. >Least you got free food out of it.
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