leila rant

moony lou whoToday at 1:39 AM
Welp idk what I’m doing but I’m here anyways and I already know it’s pathetic and maybe not to other people here where it’s sheltered but everyone else
Everyone I talk to honestly makes me feel worse  and I already feel shit about talking in the first place so I don’t know why I start
I used to have a lot more control and now I don’t
It’s literally becoming a big problem now and I don’t like how my default is just being reliant and pathetic
My parents are literally completely pissed and now think I can’t be alone and confirm that I destroy everything and can’t take care of milo and can’t maintain anything even for a short time and make things a bigger mess and more work
And it’s the same and I’m never going to sustain it right and I don’t have anything to stand on
I’m just living off them they’re paying out of pocket for my therapy and life and everything I do which they make abundantly clear often and I’m literally draining them bc they’re going into debt bc I’m expensive
I figured idk trying or talking seems fine and then any actual interaction is still shit and it’s fine like I deserve it and I’d just idk take some other cosmic punishment and not hear anyone
I didn’t think I always wanted it and I keep like the small things I like they mean a lot and I float to like be fine but it’s killing time that’s all
And honestly I just need a plan that won’t be really big deal and that I’ll folkow through with and likely to and that won’t be super painful but I was reading all this stuff today and I saw the animals and I thought like ok you can just live(edited)
But it’s so short and then it’s back to the same and then my actual daily life and not just like some fake idea of what I want it to be hits and I need to stop pretending
I try things I tell others and I try to be a good person but I don’t know if I can and I don’t really know if I just do out of fear or bc I really really really want to be good like I am innately good
It doesn’t matter I say the same shit to the same people and I’m still the same shit ha
And I don’t know why I don’t catch myself and stop and why I can’t sit alone or get driven back and I’m not like that it’s not good now
And everyone has their own things and the few things I have are at easy disposal of other people
Bc I have nothing to stand on
And if I fuck it then I’m fucked and always on the end but clearly I’ve created that
I wanted to be done and sleep and be happy to not be sick but it’s not better lol and being sick and miserable and not giving a shit was way better than this
And it’s stupid in the first place abundantly clear to everyone and is stupid with no point
But like
That’s everything I do and nobody can fucking really know why
I’m just draining everywhere
It’s just even now like oh I have meds and I’m better but I’m just as shit if not more so
I just want everything to fucking stop
Or some way for someone to fucking understand and not need to talk
It to be simple enough
But I’m just the same
The same over and over
And it’s white noise to everyone
Probably me bc I don’t see a point except what people who don’t understand think is best
Everything I say and everything I do is the same and everyone is well aware
I don’t know why I give a fuck
That’s the worst part
moony lou whoToday at 2:18 AM
Welp now I’m getting all the texts about all the stuff I did wrong after they went downstairs and now about weed bags around aka in the garbage ha and about how much week I smoke which they know and is apparently another issue now
I’m so done and everything is literally so stupid to me I don’t know how to care and I now I’m upset bc I care about shit
It’s just nothing I do is in the right way
And I should do something else the better and right way
Eat and lose weight and work and make money and exercise and not be lazy and clean and go back to school and all then things I do even if I do them is wrong
And is stupid to everyone else
Which fine but why should it matter and why am I even trying to change just to be just as miserable and judged the same way bc it’s a joke and it’s clear it’s just literally wrong
I don’t know what to do
But I don’t care so I’m just gonna do whatever the fuck I want
Everything people say is pretty bullshit anyways