A story for Kini

>I was a young, low level wizard relaxing in my study
>It was a peaceful day until I heard someone cry out in alarm the orcs are raiding the town
>Oh fuck
>Panic because maybe, MAYBE on a good day I could take a few
>But with what spells I've prepared for a exciting day of cleaning and being a lazy bastard?
>My skinny ass had no chance
>Immediately start running around, trying to grab what I can, knowing the savages will probably burn down my library for shits and giggles
>Manage to get a couple of armfuls of scrolls and whatnot while I try to remember where I put my spellbook only to have my door literally knocked off it's hinges as I'm dashing past
>There is a massive amazon of an orc standing in my doorway
>I still remember my first thought upon seeing her, "Dear Pelor she could crush me with those thighs"
>I don't remember what I said though, but she did shoot me a glare and I just...froze in place, completely locked up, too terrified to move
>Her head turned as she slowly looked around my study, taking in the sight of my (admittedly modest) library before marching up to me
>Some movement returns to me, but all I can do is swallow nervously and crane my head up to look her in the face as it occurs to me just how tall she is
>She utters something, I didn't speak orcish that well back then and even if I did I doubt I'd have been able to pay attention, a mix of being too terrified and trying to ...ignore how I was standing that close to a barechested and very female orc, or how her tits were a bit above my eye level, or how they were bigger than my ...anyway...
>After that she just smirks down at me and gives me a light (for her) punch to the gut
>I go limp and she grabs an armful of what I was carrying and tosses me over her shoulder before leaving
>I wake up, still slung over her shoulder as she's discussing things with a few other orc females
>Didn't really catch what they said but the gist seemed to be how they were going to split the loot, your auntie Lash was insisting they share, my captor reminded her about first claim rights and emphasized her point by smacking me on the ass
>It was a terrifying ride back to the raider's camp and I didn't think I'd survive the night
>But it all worked out in the end, though I never did find my spellbook, but at least she grabbed a scroll of prestidigitation a blank book so I could make another
And that Kini, is how I met your mother, now can you be a good girl and hand daddy that healing potion? I think my pelvis is still fractured and I made the mistake of explaining to her what a "dozen" meant the other night and now your mom wants another child to make an even twelve
Also please be a dear and remind Miss Lash it's up to my wife if she can borrow me, she'll have to win me off her if she wants to change that