RainingPestilence: w
CarnalMatron has joined the chat
CarnalMatron: Move girl, I can't see myself with your repulsive face in the way.
RainingPestilence: Yes Mistress.
RainingPestilence: Would you rather me here nearest you, or somewhere placed away?
CarnalMatron: You may sit there or the lying pose here as well. Your choice.
Lydi has joined the chat
Lydi: Evening Amara, Miss Carnal.
CarnalMatron: Greetings.
RainingPestilence: Hey Lyd.
Lydi: I hope your night is treating you both really well.
Lydi: And your day, at that was hopefully good.
RainingPestilence: Eh, more work.
CarnalMatron: The same as every other day. Nothing noteworthy.
Lydi: Well at least it wasn't a bad day. That's good to hear.
CarnalMatron: And your own?
Lydi: Slightly eventful. Did a lot of thinking today on how to hopefully try and turn things around in my life.
Lydi: That's partially one of the reasons I came in here to talk to not only to Amara, but to you too, Miss.
CarnalMatron: One can think of these things but without actions it proves to be fruitless. What is it you desire from me?
Guest_SnowEstheim has joined the chat
CarnalMatron: Evening Fuzz.
Guest_SnowEstheim: Good evening Miss. My computer is ancient now.
RainingPestilence: You should burn it and get a new one.
Guest_SnowEstheim: Nuu, it works. Just slow.
CarnalMatron: What do you think you're doing
CarnalMatron: Yeah you better move.
Guest_SnowEstheim: How are you guys?
Guest_SnowEstheim: That's my keys touching my mouse pad.
CarnalMatron: Tired as per usual.
CarnalMatron: Yourself?
Guest_SnowEstheim: -nods- That's alright, not worse I'd guess. I am normal. Just the usual Saturday.
CarnalMatron: Was your voluteer work well?
Guest_SnowEstheim: I don't like volunteering anymore. But I have given my word for 6 months.
CarnalMatron: What makes it ill favored for you? And not liking it is fine, it looks well on your resume for doing it.
CarnalMatron: Plus it keeps you busy, idle hands and all that.
Guest_SnowEstheim: So I left as soon as my shift ended, not lingering longer to help on.
Guest_SnowEstheim: Because I did a mistake today. I gave a patient water who was not supposed to have anything to eat or drink, because he was going to CT scan.
CarnalMatron: It happens, you don't need to be so upset regarding it. The mood will pass and it will be fine, just be more cautious in the future.
Lydi: Yes Ma'am and I completely understand that. Saying one thing versus doing another are two completely different things. I've actually been doing a lot of thinking today and within the past day alone I cut a lot of Toxicity out of my life, finally up and blocked. Not unfriended, but straight up blocked a lot of unnecessary people from my life to put myself putting a foot foward in the right direction. Cutting ties with a lot of things holding me back, and learning to let things go. Actually am still in limbo of taking a permanent hiatus from imvu after realizing how I screwed up last night. How I acted was out of control and I didn't mean for there to be any drama, especially not here when I consider this a safe haven. I admit I screwed up and tonight I'm hopefully making the first ammends to stop burning bridges and putting myself in a vicious cycle that I've always done. I'll admit I'm a screwed up person and I have done some really fucked up things, but I'm also not going to sit here and try to blame any of my physical nor mental instabilities for why I act out or have made some pretty poor choices. And although I have given a pretty poor impression to you so far and I honestly wish to alter that... I really do have an interest in Bel and have been kicking myself, I didnt' even sleep last night because I realized I fucked up majorly. I don't want to be on anybody's bad side or have anybody hate me for this that or another reason. I'm honestl to god trying to break my old ways, and I think I've finally seen the light. I know I can't make you, either of you forgive me, as words only go so far and I'm well aware... But I really have started to care about him and I'd like to continue getting to know him as I was..... I'm normally not the type to drop everything and be willing to prove myself or my worth to anybody but this time is honestly different... It was the wake up call I had truly been needing. I am deeply, truly sorry Miss Carnal. I hope you at least accept my apology, but I understand if you don't, I honestly don't blame you with how I've been lately. I wouldn't forgive myself either. I've fucked up. But I am fully admitting to fucking up and I would like to fix it, no matter what it takes for me to do so.
Lydi: Shit. Sorry.
CarnalMatron: Give me a moment to read and take in your words.
Lydi: I didn't realize it was that long.
RainingPestilence: She hates apologies, just to let you know, don't apologize lol.
Guest_SnowEstheim: Hi Lydi!
Guest_SnowEstheim: I am not even gonna read that. I am not educated enough to hold my thought while reading for so long.
CarnalMatron: I can't say whether or not your words hold true or if you will follow them. Women tend to say what is required to get what they desire. I've heard a lot of different things regarding you and seen all the same. I can't in good faith trust you with my brothers mental stability. Too many women have come along and broken him. Don't blame him, this was not his choice, he truly wished to get to know you and claim you as his own. However, from what I had seen I could not idly stand by and allow you full access to him. But my question is did you make these changes for yourself or for him? What makes you want him so much after such a short period of time? I can't say I believe you given how you were seeking any attention you could in his time away instead of being among your friends and waiting longer for his return. You also had said you told him you appreciated all that he did for you, but in my opinion your words were not enough. He sacrificed his sleep, every moment of his day and all you offered was your thanks? Did you once ask what he wanted or turned the conversation to be about him? He would not do so on his own because he merely wished ot be an aid for you whilst he got to know you better. I don't know the exchanges between the two of you and I have no desire to, that information is privy to only you and him as it should be.
Lydi: You're absolutely right, I should have been far more appreciative and that is a social skill I fully admit I lack, amongst others. And I have been meaning to make some changes to my life for a while now yes, but getting to know him has made me want to become a better person even more than before. I feel like him and I were starting to connect and I wish to prove myself if allowed to do so. I really do care for him. To the point I was up half the night crying because of all of this as a whole. I know I can't make anybody believe or forgive me, as my track record is clearly not the best. But I'm honestly trying to start over and be better from this point foward. I would love to talk to him again if you allow him to talk to me. And I will say in the days he was away I asked Amara about him every day, to see how he was doing or if he was okay... he was constantly on my mind. I literally was checking my phone for the past three days every chance I got to see if I had a message from him...(even while at work, rather frequently too) only to see he was offline so I took a breath and kept on going, hoping I would hear from him soon.
Lydi: I fully admit I'm not a perfect person, but at least I am trying to get better. If that means backing off, I will. I won't be happy about it, but I'll do it if it's for the best for if not only myself, even. I've hurt a lot of people in the past and I truly wish to not let any of you become hurt by me as well.
Lydi: I'm really... really done fucking up. I can't handle being self destructive any more.
CarnalMatron: Your words make me inclined to feel that you are in love with him. Or at least are pushing towards that. Is this the case? No one here will shame you for it, but it's something I requrie to know.
CarnalMatron: Require*
Lydi: I was starting to develop feelings for him, yes. But at the same time I was trying not to let on that way too strongly, too soon at that.
Lydi: I wouldn't have wanted to jeaopordize anything, causing him to possibly back away from me completely, or just leave.
CarnalMatron: You are aware how dangerous such strong feelings are for him after that short of a time correct?
Lydi: Very aware. I don't connect with people like I have with him, hardly ever.. it's very rare. My own feelings scare me, and I know this could either go really well, or severely tragic.
CarnalMatron: I'm more inclined to see it as the latter. More for him over you, he gives far too much of himself and it puts his health as well as mental stability at risk.
Lydi: I know you may or may not believe me but I have no inentions or desires whatsoever to hurt him. I wouldn't let it.
Lydi: To my absolute, damnedest best ability.
CarnalMatron: The last one said the same and he ended up in a coma.
CarnalMatron: I've spent more time in my life caring for the shambled pieces females have left him in more than anything else.
Lydi: I completely understand and respect that. I don't blame you for not trusting me. I haven't proven myself worthy by actions thus far, but I am here, and pouring my heart out trying to make this right.
CarnalMatron: The way you chose to approach me is the only reason we are having this conversation.
CarnalMatron: Otherwise I wouldn't even listen to what you have to say.
Lydi: I admit I don't understand if that was meant to be a good thing, or bad thing you just said about my approach. I honestly cannot decipher tone from writing and I apologize.
CarnalMatron: If you came to me in a different way or spoke in a different way we wouldn't be talking so, yes it's a good thing.
Lydi: Thank you Miss. I appreciate that. I'm telling you nothing but truth from my heart right now. I do hope you keep this in mind.
CarnalMatron: You must realize that I can't trust you off words alone. It might harm you but I can't take that into consideration. I won't say you can have him back yet, because words aren't enough to sway me. But I will keep an eye on you and if you hold true to your words then we might have a conversation that allows you to have him. But I offer this warning. If I give him back to you and you break him, are unfaithful, or treat him in any manner I find distasteful. I will carve your pretty little face into something that not even the inner levels of hell would cherish.
Lydi: Yes Ma'am. I understand completely and I do not blame you a single bit. I do hope he is okay, however. He's been on my mind all day, especially while I was at work.
CarnalMatron: If you wish to know his well being Amara is able to answer those questions. Bother her about himas much as you see fit.
Lydi: Yes Ma'am. May I add you if you would like to keep an eye on me? I'm hardly in other rooms besides here, and if I am it's because I know someone in that room. I dont' wander far.
CarnalMatron: My friends list is reserved for only my collared
Lydi: Understood completely.
CarnalMatron: And trust me little one, you do not want me to own you.
Lydi: After your words today, has definitely opened my eyes.
CarnalMatron: Work on yourself, be true to your words and prove you are worth everything he would devote to you and be willing to give him the same. You forget you want him as your Daddy, which means it's your responsibility to make him happy, not only worry about yourself.
Lydi: You are absolutely right.. I admit I've lost focus lately.
Lydi: My life has not been the most... fair to me this year.
CarnalMatron: Then find that place. Prove to me you are worthy of the perfection that comes from my family.
Lydi: Is there anything in partcular you would like me to make sure of, or are you speaking just as a whole, Miss?
CarnalMatron: Do you want him to be your Daddy?
Lydi: I was beginning to see him in that light, yes.
CarnalMatron: Then you will act accordingly. You will not run off to seek the attention of anyone who would give it. You will contain yourself while working to improve yourself. I don't see you presently in the state to offer yourself to him as well as you seeking the attention of others.
Lydi: I am not seeking others attention. I will say I was merely joking with what was a friend last night, before a handful of drama happened, on top of myself being absolutely exhausted from the events of my day prior to me being online last night. I have however, cut all ties with that person and any person potentially like that to prevent any possible issues.
CarnalMatron: I am not looking for excuses or reasons for your actions. Merely change in your behavior. If I see the changes I wish to then you will have him back, if not then I don't need to say what will happen.
Lydi: Yes Miss Carnal. I understand your point fully, it has been made crystal clear to me (and no that was not sarcasm in case it came off that way, I mean that in the most respectful way possible)
CarnalMatron: Then this topic of discussion will cease. You may mingle amongst the others if you see it fit.
Lydi: Thank you Ma'am. I actually, if it is okay. Am going to try and get a decent's night sleep tonight. I've been improving at work since I've been acquiring more sleep than I was getting.... I do not need to make myself repeat yesterday working a 10 hour work day on less than two hours of sleep. >_< That would be terribly irresponsible of me. I really cannot wait to be able to get medical help with my sleeping issues.
CarnalMatron: That would be wise. Tend to yourself as needed.
Lydi: I hope you all have a great night as well. Hopefully i'll make it through the whole night.
CarnalMatron: Take care.
Lydi: Goodnight and sweet dreams ♥
Lydi has left the chat