My reason for being

I don't know what I want to do anymore... It just seems a little horrifying when you think about it. All I've ever wanted to do is write books, that's it. I've no higher ambition besides creating works of fiction thatp eople may or may not like. But why all this pressure for me to find a job? Serious, I'm an author and a youtuber. Writing IS my chosen profession, and with my limited attention span every minute that I spend compiling old works into Publishable material is vitally important to me. I hate the feeling of being rushed, I hate it when people doubt me, I most importantly hate it when others keep trying to sabotage my efforts because they don't like my line of work, or feel that it's inferior to their own.

It's a very frustrating feeling over all, and I guess I'm just kind of sick of being told the same thing over and over again, especially when theres an accompaniment of the same, tired, old messages ground into my head over and over again... It's ridiculous, especially when, after everything I've done. Everything I've created, even the OKC stories... Which I think that's all I uploaded to THIS site, are all pieces of a larger whole. The time of focusing on the negative is over. Now is the time for me to look towards the future, ignoring the blind assessments from others that I need to break away from this. I'll never give up writing, it's my BAE, it's my forte, it's my everything. It's my way of tuning the madness of the world out. My time to focus on something that truly means the world to me.

You may read this, and think I DO need to move on. But I honestly don't have any drive to have a family, or find a "9 to 5" because why the fuck would I want to stress myself out like that for? No point. I know who I am, I know what I want out of life, and even if it's not what the majority would care for, it's still my choice. After all, we each live our lives according to our own wants and needs. The sad thing about this I'm 32, live with my folks, and recently resignedfrom my job as a sign waver after 2.5 years... Scary when you think about it... Two and a half years.

this is kind of a strange twist though, it wa the first steady job I've held, but I had to leave because they kept cutting my hours, because of the health risks involved because of the rising heat levels, and I sure as hell wasn't planning on staying at job that put me in physical danger on a near daily basis. Is this America? where we're able to follow our dreams? Peruit our happiness? Isn't that IN the U.S. constitution? The Declaration of independence? since when in America have we had to work for the Freedom of Speech? the right to say what we wish and deal with the consequences later? Aren't we, as humans, free to choose whom to love? to not be so brow beaten that we actively avoid initiating conversation with women out of fear that our mother will say something snide?

After I left college, I lost my fiance to another guy... guys. And from there I went through a five year derp fest, where each day seemed to get worse than the one before it. Before long, I was so angry at the world that I just didn't care. and she, my mother, had gotten so fed up with me that we regularly fought day after day. Snide comment after snide comment. Her trying to control me, me just not wanting any part ofi t. Eventually, it got so bad that they threw my ass out on the street. which I went to stay at a homeless shelter for a while until a simple question, "would you like me to get you a glass?" got twisted by another person into "Would you like me to touch your ass?" Stupid fucking people. Anyways, I left shortly there after, went back home, struggled for a while long, still having residual anger over a bunch of things that no longer mattered, and were out of my control.

The only thing that i've actually been able to hold on to, the only thing that's kept me sane for any amount of time is writing. I've published a few books with a friend of mine a while back. Even though they aren't selling, it's worth noting that I gained valuable experience with self publishing. then I discovered Createspace.com, which was a life saver in terms of self publishing. Still no advertising though... lol. but it does give me an outlet whenever I have a project complete. Which I do! I've several... tons, really. So I've been going around and saving all of them to txt files to get them ready. It's a lot of work, but it's worth it. All I want to do is write books... Why is that so hard to understand?