Thread 22: Stories 61-75

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>Twilight
"Cadence"
~~~~

>Like, ohmigooooosh Caddy! What are you doing?

"I'm reading over your notes to figure out exactly what in the Sparklejoule research made you go loopy."

>Hun, those are just some boring old rags, you need to get your HUNK on! Check this magazine out!

"Married."

>Oh please, if he loves you he's not gonna mind you getting a little BOOM on the side, right?

"That is the opposite of how that works in a monogamous relationship."

>Fiiiine, just let him get a little bit o dat LING on the side, you know what I'm saying? Tell him ring up some black ass for a booty call and then you're even leavin'!

*POW!*

"...OH MY GOSH! TWILIGHT! OH SWEET MERCIFUL HEAVENS I BROKE YOUR NOSE! I BROKE IT! THIS IS BAD! THIS IS REALLY BAD!'

>H-harsh, marefriend.

"TWILIGHT I'M SORRY!"

>B-but you know he'd... totally... wreck... tha....

"..."

*POW!*

"WHY CAN'T I CONTROL MYSELF!?"

*POWPOWPOW!*

"I'M SORRY!"
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Canon-debateable.
>Chrysalis
~~~~

>DAMN IT!

Okay, fire was probably a bad thing to be using in this context, what with all of the files and folders of paper surrounding her, but thankfully it was mostly concentrated upwards.

>This is stupid!

File after file on her people had been gathered, all sent from Twilight Sparkle's office. Information on everything she's learned from studying them like lab rats. They were practically test subjects.

All except.

>YOU LYING BITCH!

She had said she turned over ALL of her research, all of it. Everything she knew about Changelings. Allegedly.

So where the fuck was her file!?

>Does she really think I don't know she has a file on me!? She DNA tested me! She found my biological father! So naturally she had to have done something with this information, no? SO WHERE IS IT!?

She had gone through every file a dozen times. Not so much as a mention of her, even in passing. BULLSHIT.

>Why the hell wouldn't she...

It hit her like the ton of bricks Chitania had dropped on her head.

>She knows something...

Something she doesn't want her to know.

>Something... something that even at her darkest, she will not tell me.

Something like...

Like the information on 56's "Durability".

>She might know how to kill me...

No.

No no no no no.

This won't do. She can't let her get the advantage.

>But she doesn't have it right now. She's lost her mind.

Good.

>Maybe she won't remember the particulars when she gets it back. Which means...

Which means the clock is ticking.

As Pinkie would say, smile smile smile.

>...Better get to work.
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>SA
'Pinkie Pie'
“Sombra”

~~~~~

'Weeeell, we're here!'

The Badlands Express was already on it's journey back. Get here and then get the hell out. Some motto. As the three stared across the highlands of barren earth and rocky crags, Shining sighed as a distant memories took hold.

>You know this is the third time I've ever been here. The first time was during my training to be a Royal Guardspony... Oldman Cobalt must have been turning in his grave before I finally shaped up.

“I take it he was your instructor?”

>Yep, Captain Cobalt Shield, retired. He was the Captain of my Captain and was a drill instructor for decades. Tried to teach us all how to be tough... And when I think about it, I don't understand how I or any of the Guard turned out the way we did with him as a teacher. That stallion was the definition of a true warrior.

“I'm sure he would be proud of the stallion you are now.”

>I hope so... So Pinkie where exactly do we go from here.

'...hmm, well you see that depression in the dirt over there with the pair of rocks sticking out of it?'

>Yeah I see it.

'Yeah, those are actually the pincers of a giant Antlion. So were not going that way.'

>“...”

'And you see that weird circular patch of earth over there?'

“...Yes.”

'Well that's the nest of a Trapdoor Spider, so I wouldn't go that way.'

>But... its thirty hoofs wide.

'I know its weird, right? I wonder why it made such a tiny door.'

“...”

>I think I know the reason why we turned out the way we did now...

“And that is?”

>To forget as much of this place as possible.

'Ooh! And over there you see that rock that looks like a dragon?'

>I think I wanna go home now.

“...Agreed.”
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>Applejack
"Cadence"
~~~~~

>WHAT IN THE HELL DID YA'LL DO!?

"I'm sorry!"

>Her face looks like ya' tossed it under Chitania, and then had her BACK UP AND DO IT AGAIN!

"I couldn't help it! My hooves were swinging all on their own!"

>What could she have POSSIBLY done ta' deserve this!?

"She wouldn't stop talking about Shiny making booty calls!"

>...Oh fer' the love of...

"I know, right!? Can you imagine what a booty call to 18 or Chrysalis would do to Shiny's Sparklejoule count!? They sap out love just by being around him, and Chrysalis left him barely able to stand after sexing him a few times! And that was when he was under mind control, and thus way LESS lovey! Who knows what sex with one of them could do to his rating if he was fully coherent!?"

>...

"That's right, he could go down a full... Medium... Blue..."

>...And that's bad?

"YES! A full medium blue would reduce a Topaz to a dim gold!"

>Well, what's his color thingy?

"APPLEJACK! How scandalous! You can't ask a wife what her husband's Sparklejoule count is!"

>Right... how silly o' me. So, uh, iffin' he did that, are ya' worried he wouldn't love ya' anymore or somethin'?

"Worse, he'd love me LESS! There's no way he could produce enough Sparklejoules to love me as much as he does AND love someone else like that! IT CAN'T BE DONE, APPLEJACK! THAT MUCH POWER DOESN'T EXIST IN EQUESTRIA!"

>Sooo.... what would he get reduced to?

"Well, this is just a theory of course, but with a drain like that, we're talking... slightly more than normal, in laymans terms?"

>...

"...FUCK YOU I LIKE HAVING SHINY LOVE ME SUPER!"

>Alright! Fer land's sakes. Just... just help me get Twi to the infirmary.

"...If anyone asks, something in her lab exploded."

>Element o' Honesty.

"DAMN OUR MAGICAL ATTACHMENT TO ABSTRACT CONCEPTS! DAMN THEM!"
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Non-canon
>Cadence
"Chrysalis"
'18'
~~~
'Okay, so what's the catch?'

>Nothing, honestly, as long as we all work together.

"No! No! There's gotta be a catch Suddenly you're just gonna let 18, myself, and you all triple team Shiny? What is the catch?"

>Well, it has to be a triple team.

"I knew you were secretly kinky-"

>Because not any single one of us could survive the full force of Shiny's love.

'What does that mean?'

>I mean, and I feel terrible for this, I severely underestimated his love reserves. I mean he's over pearlish alabaster!

'What does that even-'

"WHAT! Pearlish Alabaster?! There's no way that can be right! Can it?

>It's not, it's far beyond it. So... if we do anything but at least foursome him, we're going to end up taking a thermonuclear bomb to the cooch

"... Wanna call up Celestia for backup?"

>I'll get her on the line.

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Non-canon to non-canon
~~~

'You know, not to look a gift horse in the mouth or anything, why didn't you call 42? She's more durable than I am.'

>Believe it or not? She was plan A. Blood erupted from her nose so fast she rocketed into the wall and knocked herself unconscious, and currently is probably still stuttering in the hallway.

"...HAH!"
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>Teacher
"Students"
'2'
~~~~

>Alright class, today we are brushing up on current royal policies, as they have changed quite a bit in the thousand years we all spent entombed in our own misery. Now, before we get started, any questions?

"What's a harem?"

>...I'm sorry?

"A harem. What's a harem?"

>Where on earth did you hear that word!?

"My grandma said she was proud of Prince Shining Armor cause he kept up the old king's practices and got a harem."

"He did?"

'...Why're ya' lookin' at me? I dunno what that word means.'

>Erm... uh... well, you see, sometimes a king, OR a Queen, or any sort of royal, needs a bit... more uh, well, 'love' in their life. So they bring in a bunch of other consenting adults... or non-adults if they are horrible ponies who get deposed and their heads cut off... for some 'special grownup fun'.

"..."

'OHHHH! Hold on I gots a note.'

>I beg your pardon?

'Shiny gave me this note in case ya' asked about that. Here ya' go!'

>...

"What does it say?"

>-To clarify, all members currently residing within the Crystal Castle who are not directly married to the royal pair are completely innocent and platonic in relationships. The prince and princess would like to stress that they are in a committed relationship and that is that.-

'It's cause they're married.'

>I see...

"Oh no, nana's heart is going to break because of this!...YAY Inheritance money here I come!"

>...Damn, there goes my retirement fund.

'What?'

>I said, any other questions? No? Let's get started. If you don't mind, I'm a little thirsty, and will be intermittently drinking my funny smelling applejuice for a bit.

"I wish you wouldn't do that in class-"

>GO TO YOUR ROOM!

"But this is a school-"

>NOW!

"...You're the teacher I guess."

'Can I have some o' that applejuice?'

>No.

'Awww...'
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In a shocking twist, Faustmom reveals to Cadence that she can make Shining Armor an alicorn!

There's just one little catch.

*RECORD SCRATCH!*

He has to get Celestia to marry him!?

Join in on the hijinks as Cadence tries to set the two up so she can keep her super-lovey-hubby for time immortal!

Will she manage to get him some wings, and some of dat sun booty?

And what's she going to find out about herself along the way?

Find out in this summers breakout hit!

"GETTIN' SUM SUN!"

Coming to a thread near you!
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>Chitania
"Surfer Dude"
'Surfer Zebra'
~~~~~~~

>FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK!

"Whooooooa there little lady! Gnarly looking surfboard you've got there, what's with this screamin'? You've gotta ride those wave babe, can't just hug the board like that."

>FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU!

'Dis' girl be straight up trippin' man! She be havin' a harder time den me cousin tryin' ta' balance on an egg!'

>FUCK OFF!

"But babe, how can we help you out if we do that? It would be most heinous to leave you hangin' when you're having a bad time."

'Dat's right little lady! Ya' gotta learn ta' be free iffin' ya' wanna learn ta' shred dem waves!'

>I DON'T KNOW HOW TO SWIM, FUCKFACE!

"...Then why are you on a surfboard?"

>I WENT TO SLEEP ON IT AND HIGH TIDE ROLLED IN!

'Ooooh, stroke a bad luck for the poor lass.'

"Honestly, she's killing my mojo, man."

>FUCK YOU!

"See that? Right there? That's making me not want to help you. All of my positive energy is just getting sapped."

'I say we leave da' girl till she get a bit o' manners to her!'

"Agreed my partnereno. Say please and we'll be helping out in a flash."

>EAT! MY! SHIT!

"Lady, you be like that then. We're leaving-

>OH THANK FUCKING LOVE!

"..."

'...Weird response, maan.'

>I CAN SEE THE BOTTOM!

"Of the ocean? Uh, yeah, but that's at least thirty feet down-"

She did not even wait for him to finish, just rolled right off her board.

"..."

'...De poor soul.'

"You know what they say, suicide is... ea...sy?"

The bubbling water was their only warning before a massive figure exploded out of the water.

>DON'T EVEN FUCKING CARE WHO SEES ME! NOPE! DON'T CARE! FUCK ALL OF YA'LL

"Oh, shit. It's that thing."

'De dinosaur dat found me de love of me life! YOU! Dinosaur! Given all de' praise to you my sister! We're getting married next month!'

"You two do make a great couple."

'Don't ya' know it!'

The Changeling Queen, however, did not pay any attention to them. She merely spun around when she reached the shoreline, and lifted a hoof.

>EAT SHIT, NATURE!

Was there sanity in punching the ocean?

No.

But she made it work.

"...Ahhhh... Tsunami's are supposed to go the other way, I think."

No time for a response, beside "gurgle gurgle" and traveling about a mile out to sea, where they would be rescued but sadly have to spend several uncomfortable hours with the Zebra's mother-in-law to be. It was the worst.

>...Fuck you, nature.
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The smokey interior of the Mule's Head Tavern was a raucous mish mash of competing orders for drinks, challenges to fights, and the victorious shouts and dreadful moans that accompanied games of chance. Pommel sat at a table farther away from the chaos, trying to politely ignore Rat's very detailed story of how the tavern got its name. He'd been in the pirate stronghold of Tortoiga a grand total of thirty minutes, and already he'd had his fill of the maddening antics of landbound pirates.

Once, when he was a young colt in Baltimare, his father and uncle had taken him to see a few of the navy's ships freshly docked at port, his memory was laced with the scattered images of youth but adult logic gathered that the whole trip had fallen apart when one of the sailors mistook Aunt Peregine for a single lady. To Pommel's mind, this entire city was that incident (and the violence that followed) on a grand scale, with the added bonuses of booze, gambling, and prostitution helping things along.

"Ya listening, lad?" Rat's voice pierced into Pommel's head, "I was getting to the good part."

"Huh? Oh, sorry, Rat, just doing a little reminiscing," Pommel said apologetically.

"It better not be about the 'G' word," Rat's eyes narrowed in a scolding manner.

"No no, just, back to something from when I was a colt, way back in Baltimare," Pommel traced his hoof along the rim of his tankard of grog, "The city kind of reminds me of it."

"Sailors, eh? Had to be sailors," Rat nodded, "Baltimare's a piss boring town otherwise, no offense, lad."

"Nah, it was pretty much that," Pommel shrugged, "Sometimes my folks and I would go out to my uncle's estate out in the country. He worked as an equinologist for some university, studying the different kind of ponies, history and biology and all that, you know?"

Rat nodded, "Aye, Doc's got some experience with that, though it seems he's got experience with just about every kind of high-falutin' bit of science there is, hence the beaker on his bum."

"What IS with that guy anyway," Pommel sipped the foul-tasting yet refreshing drink, "Seems like he knows a lot but keeps it all locked up."

"Dunno, really, according to the rest of the crew, he's been with old Evergreen since he became the cap'n of the Remorse. Pretty sure the only folk who know about him are him, the cap'n, and Jackie."

"Jackie?"

"Daw."

"Heh, better not let her hear you call her that," Pommel chuckled, "She'd probably kick your ass."

"Nahhh, she likes me too much, she likes you too, by the by," Rat smirked.

"The beatings beg to disagree with you there, pal," Pommel rolled his eyes, taking another drink of grog.

"The beatings are precisely why I say she likes ya, she's doing her damndest to make ya less of a shit when it comes to fightin' so ya won't take a cutlass to your throat," Rat laughed.

"I'll keep that in mind," Pommel looked over the whole of the room, looking at the various no-accounts and ne'er-do-wells populating it, though he was given pause when he looked to the bar, "Huh..."

"What is it?" Rat arched an eyebrow, looking in the same direction as Pommel.

"That diamond dog," Pommel said, squinting, "I think I saw him at the port."

The canine in question, the same one clad in the tricorner hat that had given Pommel a glare on the docks was now doing much the same at the tavern's bar, speaking furtively with a pea green earth pony with a wild black moustache wearing a dirty brown coat. The pony held an amused smirk on his face as he listened to the dog, eyes fixed on the duo.

"I think he might-"

"Bastard..." Rat's eyes narrowed as he regarded the pair.

"Excuse me?" Pommel blinked, looking over at his companion.

"The pony, I know him," Rat growled, his smile was gone, replaced by a hateful snarl, "It's Guttersnipe."

"...am I supposed to know him?" Pommel looked from the smirking pony to the snarling one.

"He was on my crew, lad, my first mate, he lead the mutiny against me and marooned me on that Faustforsaken island!" Rat's teeth gritted, looking like he could barely restrain himself.

"You hired a guy named Guttersnipe to be your second in command?" Pommel asked tentatively.

"He had references!" Rat spat back at his companion making the other unicorn shrink back, "If I get my hooves on that little traitor, I'll wring his vile vulturelike neck!"

Pommel was about to reply when he noticed the two corsairs in question making their way to the table. Rat's form began to tense, but the lack of an aura around his horn seemed to indicate he wasn't going for his knife...yet.

"Well, well well, lookee wot we 'ave 'ere, Barksby, if'n it ain't me 'ole cap'n, Penny Pincher," Guttersnipe's voice was like a gryphon's claws on a chalkboard coupled with a screeching of a hawk.

"It's Bilge Rat now, thank you very much, Guttersnipe," Rat ground his teeth, eyes narrowed to the point of almost being shut entirely.

"Ooh, ya 'ear that, Barksby?" Guttersnipe looked at the diamond dog, flashing a smile that was more gum than tooth, " 'e's a bilge rat now! 'e's down on OUR level now, 'ey? 'ey? I conned this fool good, didn' I tell yas? Got 'im ta sail me all the way down 'ere to the Mareabbean then dumped 'im on an little rock in th' ocean, hahaha!"

Rat was shaking now, honestly, Pommel wanted to haul off and punch the bragging pirate in his poor maintenanced mouth.

"Awwww but tha's all just water under th' bridge now, 'ey? We're all friends here in Tortoiga, we're all pirates'n thieves'n liars! Wot cap'n are yeh with now, Pinchy? 'r did they get sick of yeh and left yeh t'die 'ere instead?"

"I'm with cap'n Evergreen now, so you'd best watch your tongue," Rat leaned forward, "Or he'll find ya and cut it out."

"Ooh, big bad cap'n Evergreen," Snipe made his feelings clear by spitting on the ground, "Pox on 'im and pox yeh for being 'is crew! 'e's old news, Pinchy, ain't'cha heard? 'im an' the rest of 'em that remember when this place was settled're all dyin' off an' Barksby'n me, we're in with th' future!"

"I wouldn't let him hear you say that," Pommel said, "With that sword of his, your head might not have a future otherwise."

The eyes of all three of the others looked at him, he tried his best not to shrink.

"Ahhhh...now 'ere, 'ere's someone interestin', aye Barksby?" Snipe narrowed his eyes, "Speakin' outta turn ta 'is elders, 'ey? Maybe we should go get Brahmos over 'ere and teach 'im a lesson!"

Snipe and Barksby looked to the opposite darkened corner of the tavern, where large figure was sat at a table, his muscled frame and horns outing him even from a distance as a minotaur.

"Wot d'ye think lad? Should we get Brahmos over 'ere?" Snipe smirked.

Pommel gulped and shook his head, "No, no we don't need to get Brahmos over 'ere."

Snipe laughed, "That's right, cowards, cowards all of yeh's, sittin' here and cowerin' in the Marrabeen, we know the richer water's're near Equestria, eh, Barksby?"

The diamond grinned, showing off his knife sharp teeth, and nodded.

Rat scowled, "You'll know fire and damnation soon enough, once the Princesses="

"Princesses're nothin'! Equestria's nothin'! Ain't ya heard? Stomped flat by a great big monster, an' their merchant ships rich fer the takin'!" Snipe leaned down, face uncomfortably close to Rat's, "We sacked one not too long ago, it an' the navy ship guardin' it, slaughtered the lot of 'em! Keel-'auled the guards, threw the merchants overboard, an' yeh'll never guess wot we found on it. I'm not gonna tell yeh of course, but let's just say it's gonna make slidin' me blade across a few lovely white throats that much more enjoyable!"

Pommel's mood had darkened the more the decidedly unhygenic earth pony had gone on. In his head he could see this pea-green bastard and his canine cohort waylaying the unsuspecting ships and laying waste to its crew. Simple guards like himself dying at the paws, hooves, and hands of the ruthless pirates. With each syllable his anger grew and then...

Well then, he did something very, very stupid.

His hoof flashed out before any sensible thought could scream at it to stop, catching Guttersnipe in his jaw and sending him sprawling. Barksby looked shocked, Snipe groaned and massaged the assaulted body part with his own forehoof.

"Wot in the 'ell did ya 'it me so 'ard for-GAH!"

Snipe was cut off by Rat savagely pouncing on him and smashing hoof after hoof into his face.

"Oh aye, HHHHHe HHHHit you pretty HHHHHard, HHHHuh, Snipe!?" Rat shouted loudly, almost theatrically, "I got a good idea why, too, you slime! You scum! You HHHHHHorrid excuse for a pirate! Ya HHHHHHear that letter I'm using, Snipe, ya bastard?! It's an 'H', it's a letter that's too good for your rotted mouth, and once I finish beating the rest of your teeth out, the rest of the alphabet'll be free of your HHHHHHalitosis-laden ramblings, you insufferable shit!"

Pommel blinked at Rat's nonsensical speech, but as it went on, its true purpose dawned on him. It was an absurd thing to fight over, but was certainly less suspect than slugging a guy for bragging about how he doing typically piratical activities. A few encouraging shouts rang out as Rat beat the tar out of his ex-crewman. Barksby shook his head and howled out, and a group of similarly wretched looking fellows, chief among them the figure known as 'Brahmos' rose and began to head for them. Pommel's teeth gritted and magic glowed around his horn, then around his tankard of grog, which smashed itself into Barksby's muzzle, sending the dog sprawling. A cheer rang out and soon the entire tavern broke into a brawl as others took advantage of the situation to try and even up their own scores.

Pommel could see that the commotion was slowing the progress of Snipe's crew, but their solidarity ensured they'd be upon Pommel and Rat in short order.

"Well lad," Rat said, stepping away from the thoroughly beaten Snipe's body, "Providin' we don't make it out of this, it was a plenty amusing knowin' ya."

"Likewise," Pommel said, nodding back to the other unicorn.

"Shall we go down fightin', then?" Rat asked, his smile returning.

"Let's," Pommel grinned back and faced the vanguard of Snipe's comrades, using his magic to hurl the table at them before charging into the fray with the mightiest bellow he could manage.

"BEST IN THE WORLD!"
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>Applejack
"Celestia"
______

"Wow."

>Ah'm... thas' not right. Is it? Can't be.

"No, that's... that's definitely right. It's just... wow."

>That is a LOT of bits right there, holy applesauce.

"That's definitely bigger than Blueblood's expenses a year before I stupidly made you a princess."

>...

"Well, only slightly bigger."

>...Remind me to circle back 'round to verbally beatin' yer' ass fer' that-

"Can you not?"

>-but right now, we gotta figure out how in the hell we're gonna pay fer' this....

"I don't think I've ever seen a legitimate bill with seven zeros behind it."

>Makes me dream fer' the simpler days of Cadance and her cosmetic sprees.

"Right?"

>Okay, before Ah stroke out on the floor, lessee the cause of all this. ...hm.

"What?"

>Apparently all the ruckus and fightin' beneath the castle that Spike an' the others did... it upset damn near all the facilities in Canterlot. Huh. Didn't know our pipes ran that low. Added to it, a few loose pillars have caused some buildings to slant or jus' collapse altogether....

"Applejack? Are you okay, dear?"

>Who me? Oh, no, yeah, Ah'm fine, juuuus' dandy....

"...so you've upgraded to silent eye-popping? That's a new thing."

>Doesn't hurt any less, lemme tell ya.

"I take it just giving the fixers a years worth of free cake won't cut it?"

>Only depression can be solved by cake, Celly. Not bills.

"...give them Chrysalis as a sex slave?"

>Ah dunno what disgusts me more... that ya'll suggested such a thing, or that Ah'd be totally okay with such a thing if Ah thought fer' a second that it'd work....

"We could tr-"

>No.

"Damn."
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

>Chrysalis
"???"
~~~~

{Recognize, Princess Luna. Welcome.}

>Pffthahaha. Oh, Larvesta, I think I'll miss you most of... well, not MOST of all, but up there! Now then...

She'd been in this lab enough to know what to avoid, and where the most likely place for the information was contained.

Not that it was particularly hard, it was the only giant vault in the room. As expected, the lock was far from simplistic.

>Hmm, magical, of course. I wonder...

{DNA RECOGNIZED, TWILIGHT SPARKLE!}

>Excellent! Now to-

{STEP ONE OF FIVE COMPLETED, PLEASE ENTER IN ACCESS CODES THREE AND SEVEN!}

>Oh ho! Clever girl.

{NO ACCESS CODE DETECTED, RESETTING.}

>So, with that option not available... Maybe I'll just-

"HEEEYYYY MAREFRIEND!"

>HOLY SHIT!

"Aw now, don't run away honeybunches! What you doing on the ceiling? You don't go on the ceiling silly bug! Come down here and let me do something with that rag you call hair."

>...How did you sneak up on me? Nobody sneaks up on...

That's when she noticed the runes hidden all along the ceiling in places impossible to see from the ground.

>Now that, that is interesting. As for you...

Without a sound, she dropped in front of the alicorn.

>...A-hem... Hey marefrieeend!

"Heeey! What is up my homegirl!"

>Aw, you know, nothing! Trying to get where I'm going.

"Get out! Where you gonna be?"

>Was trying to go into that door, actually.

"Pfft, good luck! Everytime I try to touch it, it starts screaming stupid stuff. BOOORRING! But I can't get to my mega ultra super conditioner!"

>Bummer!

"I KNOW RIGHT!?"

>Ahhh, s'okay Twibri! You can borrow some of Caddy's good stuff, I know where she keeps it.

"OMIGOOOOSH! Really!? Caddy never lets me get the good stuff! You my homegirl, don't care what anyone says!"

>You know us... best of friends.

"C'mooon! Let me do your hair, PLEAASSE!?

>No need. FWAM!

"Oh, disguise stuff is SO CHEAP!... JEAAALLOOOUSS! I am SO jealous!"

>Come on, that hair of yours looks like it needs some pep.

"It does! You're awesome, Chrissy! See, stuff like this? Don't know WHY Cadence broke my nose when I said she should let Shiny ring you up for a little bootycall, you know? If he was my hubby, would TOTALLY let him hit that, that's hot and I'm not even gay!"

>...W-what?

"Aww, Crissy? You stub your hoof on this stuff? I feel you, happens all the time to me, it's everywhere. But hey, you're only crying a little! I'm on the floor for hours cause I am such a WIMP!"

>...S-sure... we'll go with that... never change back.

"Wha?"

>Nothing! Hair! Cosmetics! NOT HAPPY FEELINGS!...Er, HAPPY FEELINGS BUT NOT THOSE!...

"..."

>MAREFRIEND!

"Marefrieeeend!"

Go, she told herself. Go as fast as you can.

And try to remember that the real Twilight would never say that.

And also, if you could ignore that feeling of joy, that would be great.

Still a lot of work to do to get into that vault....
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

>Jugglejack
"41"
~~~~

>I just don't see why you guys can't get along. Me and Actarius get along.

"Don't compare my eternal rival to your coltfriend!"

>HE'S NOT MY COLTFRIEND! And how is he your eternal rival? You've only known him for, like, two weeks?

"OUR BATTLE SHALL LAST THROUGH TIME!... Or at least until I prove that I'M the badass in this relationship. CHANGELING HIVE STRONG! Gotta represent! If you've got a problem, get out of my way!"

>...I just noticed, you're acting a LOT like forty tw-

"That has no bearing on the situation! This is to prove my superiority to the guards!"

>But we already did that. We won. Remember? Invasion?

"...Just go do that thing where you smell his hair."

>It's nice! He really takes care of it, it's really amazing.

"Now, if you do not mind, we are going to have a running contest. Through the canyon of GIANT EELS!"

>That sounds dangerous.

"IT IS! To victory!"

>...Meh, might as well get some practice in. Dodododododo-FUCKING HOLES!
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

>Applejack
"Celestia"
'Spike'
-Twilight-
_________

-And so like, that's my new plan for world unification!-

'No.'

-I knoooooow, right? Like no way, yeah? It's so full-proof I can't believe I came up with it!-

"I can't believe you did either, honestly."

-Don't you cuties worry a single hair out of place, I got this! Plan 'unite the world through fashionable manes' will take off within the week! Up high, Celestia!-

"..."

>*whisper* Do it. Do it so she'll leave.

Displaying a look of bitter reluctance, Celestia slowly lifted her hoof for Twilight to smack.

Which she did.

-There we go, girlfriend! Welp, the world's hair ain't gonna style itself! I'm off to find the perfect shampoo for the job!-

>...
"..."
'...'

>It feels weird not bein' able to blame you for this, Celly. Kinda upsettin' really. An' how does this plan help those without manes? Or hair in general?

"I want her to not be a thing anymore. Can we make that happen?"

'With Charity, anything's possible. Just say the word.'

>When ya shoot her, put one in Cadance too for startin' this dang mess.

'Oh, don't worry. Diamond ass has it coming twice as hard.'

"Ha. Diamond. Hard. I see what you did there."

>...
'...'

"Right, sorry...."
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

>AJ56
"Snips"
'Snails'
________

"56?"

'No, it's me, Snails. We talked about this-'

"You idiot, I'm looking past you. Eh, 56! Dude, where you been at? School's been kinda boring since you and the others took off for... hey, you alright man?"

>Do I look alright?

'Not really. You look like you forgot your favorite lunch at home. I do that sometimes. Then sometimes my mom just forgets to make it. Actually, she sometimes forgets I'm th-'

"Snails, I thought the psychiatrist said to keep those things to yourself. Remember, buddy? Now then, what's got you down in the dumps, five-six?"

>Man, you guys... it's just... but I couldn't even....

The little Changeling was having some deep-rooted trouble expressing himself as he made cryptic motions with his hooves.

>Gah! It was right THERE! Like, dang! It was so close I could have smacked it but no, oooooh no! Not-mom stuck me in some crummy room and I missed my chance!

"...Your chance to do what? Do I even want to know?"

>My aunt Chitania! Don't tell me you guys didn't see her when she passed through?!

"If by "passed through" you mean "stomped the ever living shit out of any and everything" then yeah, I think I kinda noticed."

'That big smashy thing was alive...?'

"Snails? Please try to keep up with the present conversation, okay? I don't wanna be 'that guy' by saying this, but you give me the meanest headaches sometimes."

'Your headaches have emotions? Snips, I think you might want to go see Nurse Redhea-'

"Aaaaaagh... anyway, what're you getting at, 56?"

>Her ass! It is, without a doubt, the biggest, jiggliest booty I've ever seen in my natural life. Ever. For all time. I dream about that ass, you guys... and I missed my chaaaahahahance!

"..."
'...'

If 56 weren't so busy sobbing into his hooves he would've seen the incredulous looks Snips and Snails were giving him.

“…that thing was your aunt? As in, actual family?”

>Y-yeah *sniff* she is….

“And you’re upset because you couldn’t grab… her booty?”

>That’s puttin’ it mildly, Snips. I didn’t just want to grab it, I wanted to eat my meals off it, all fives courses. Breakfast, brunch, lunch, supper, and dinner. I wanted to part those lovely onyx mounds with my face and inhale the sweetest aroma that only a rump that big could provide. I wanted to give it a good firm smack and let it bounce, get it wet and watch rivulets of water dribble over those curves- man, don’t get me started, I could go all day with this. Really. I can.

“But… she’s your aunt.”

>I know.

“As in, she’s related to you.”

>Yeah, and?

‘That’s kind of hot.’

A very audible crack emanated from Snips’s neck when he whirled to face Snails, aghast. But 56 was nodding vigorously.

>Tell me about it! Oh maaaaan, if only I could meet her, just once is all I’d need, just one plot kiss and I’d be set for life….

“But… b-but family… related… big no-no.”

‘You want me to help you look for that black smashy thing, 56?’

>It’s okay, Snails. I… I’ll get by somehow… if the nightmares about her plot bein’ just outta my reach don’t kill me first….

“YOU’RE RELATED! THERE SHOULD BE NO DREAMS!”

‘Alright then, catch you later, 56.’

“IT’S WRONG DAMN IT!”

>Yeah, see ya ‘round, Snails. You too, Snips. Gonna go try and drown my sorrows in some lunar pillows….

“ARGH!”

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________