Shark Week

Nov 11th, 2016
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  1. "Shark Week",
  2. Originally created for the thread, "Suddenly, Shining Armor is standing beside you. What do?"
  3. By Aganon
  5. >be anon, watching naked midget wrestling on your bedroom PC.
  6. >reality warps, everything tastes of snozzberries, then Shining pops into existence and lands on your bed.
  7. "Better landing than usual, that."
  8. >"It's not a bad time, is it?" he replies.
  9. "Nah it's all good, I got fired from zippy-mart for covering the floor in security tags sticky side up again. This time they cavity-searched a nun."
  10. >Shining looks a bit nonplussed. "You gonna be OK?"
  11. "Yeah, I can coast a bit. Looking at a promising career as a cardboard box crusher at a warehouse. So what brings you by?"
  12. >"Shark week. Cadance is on the rag."
  13. "Oooh. Yeah best get outta there with all your bits intact."
  14. >"I'm never going to forgive you for showing me that. I still have trouble turning my back on her."
  15. "She probably thinks you've gone nuts."
  16. >he flinches, giving you an accusing look.
  17. "Anyhow sure, you can crash here. Check out this video."
  18. >he watches, horror slowly turning to joy, and soon the two of you are laughing at the body-slams, submission holds and funny sounds coming from the PC.
  19. "Let's head to the living room, I'll put on a peetzer."
  20. >After that came an airsoft gun battle, it was only a good thing he'd brought over a pair of pony goggles on a prior occasion.
  21. >Your position behind the sofa was fairly unassailable, and ammo kept flying until you accidentally hit the edge of your TV.
  22. "Uh, I think we better stop before we bust something."
  23. >you watch as the other pistol in a magic grip falls below the overturned coffee table on the other side of the room.
  24. >"Yeah, I think the peetzer's about done by now anyway, from the smell of it."
  25. >feasting happens.
  26. >Later on, you take your "dog in a unicorn costume" out for a walk. On a leash of course, but just to complete the look.
  27. >The neighbors always thought it was weird you only had a dog sometimes, but Shining would get sick of being indoors too much so you >had to risk it. He never could get the bark noise down quite right either, but you were still secretly glad for Shark Week.
  29. >Be day 2 of Shark Week.
  30. >You awaken to the heady smell of expensive shampoo and stallion fur. The reason for this turns out to be Shining's head sprawled across your chest, his mane in your face. The rest of him is a lump under the covers alongside you to the right.
  31. >This was always the most difficult part of his visits, awakening him without becoming pinned to your own headboard with ten inches of spiral ivory through your head.
  32. >Still, you'd learned to have fun with it. Carefully slithering your left hand out of the covers, you place the tip of your index finger on the point of his horn, and slowly slide across it like you're testing a phonograph's needle.
  33. >His soft-plastic feeling hooves twitch against your side as his legs spasm a bit.
  34. >Another scrape.
  35. >His tail swishes under the blanket like he's trying to oust an annoying fly, then his feet bump you again.
  36. >One of them's really really warm.
  37. >With interest bordering on horror, you feel with your right hand.
  38. >"mmdance I'm sleemm" he mumbles.
  39. >Finding the source of the heat, you grab it. It's like gripping a very hot screwdriver handle. Poor Cadance. Or perhaps lucky?
  40. >Shining startles awake. Fortunately the horn misses you, and you're faced with a pair of absolutely huge blue eyes.
  41. >You let go.
  42. "Geez Shining, I didn't know you cared!" you quip.
  43. >"Uh, I'm I'm I'm uh-"
  44. >"It's OK man. Just giving you some hell."
  45. >It has always interested you that pony fur is, in itself, capable of blushing. He was turning red as a beet.
  46. "No homo. Serious."
  47. >He remains in shock.
  48. "Remember, it's only gay..."
  49. >"If the balls touch. OK. OK. I'm alright. No more touchie."
  50. "I promise nothing, when I'm being poked in the side with it. Now settle down and we'll figure out what to have for breakfast."
  52. >Be emerging from Casa Del Pancakes with an armload of bags. Untying his leash from the door handle, Shining makes that awful "Horf" sounding bark and grins.
  53. >Leading him around back through the parking lot and upwind of the fetid dumpsters, you sprawl on a patch of grass so manicured it might as well be plastic.
  54. >He looks around, then whispers "A little girl saw me. She was all "Shining Armor!!" but her parents told her to stop being stupid and dragged her off."
  55. "Normalcy bias. I swear it's the only reason we get away with this. The folks probably thought the restaurant was doing a promo or something. Try and act like a stuffed animal when that happens."
  56. >"Noted. So what did you get?"
  57. >You lay down a couple flattened napkins, then set out styrofoam boxes full of blueberry pancake stacks drowned in syntho-maple syrup.
  58. >You only ate like this when he was around, the equestrian diet was enough to send a normal human into sucrose shock if practiced daily.
  59. >He glances around again, then a hint of blue magic and his pancake box flips open. You're only glad those mammoth eyes of his are so sharp, he normally saw threats before you did.
  60. >"Oooh. Yeah these will do."
  61. >feasting happens, you secretly entertained by how he lowers his head in like he's gobbling it but the pancakes neatly cut themselves up into little squares as he scarfs them down.
  62. >Dumping the now-empty garbage in a trash-can, you head back to your putrid palace.
  63. >An obnoxious old neighbor steps in front of you before you get there.
  64. >"So, I see you've got your dog back."
  65. "Yeah, uh yup my cousin dropped him off, he's on duty again don't ya know, no room for dogs."
  66. >"It's cruel to keep him in a silly costume all the time. The wife can't abide it." You peer at his front window, at a disapproving wrinkled old-lady face watching you all.
  67. "Oh she just hasn't seen. You remember me telling you. He was one of those trained show dogs, that runs up the ramp and through the hole and down a tunnel, and there happened to be that cement mixer truck with it's chute lowered, and he just went right up and in. Weeks at the Animal Reconstruction lab at the university before they even got all the legs re-attached-"
  68. >your toe aches badly. "Horf!" You lean down, noting a blue hoof on your little toe on your flipflop.
  69. >"I got this. Pretend to unzip me." Shining whispers.
  70. >You pantomime unzipping his back, as Shining's eyes and horn blaze for a moment. "Jimminy Crickets!" shouts the old man, rapidly creaking toward his house. You glance at the window, but all there is is a huge green blast-mark of puke visible within.
  71. >You lean down again, and shining whispers "Illusion. I might have overdone it with the exposed metal bones, a little."
  72. >The rest of the walk home is spent trying not to bust out in laughter.
  74. >Be back in your living room. You and Shining settle in, both of you chuckling and sniggering helplessly.
  75. "How did you do that?"
  76. >"I asked Twilight for an illusion spell so I can look like different things. I'm not real good at it yet but I can hit around four people at once with it, now."
  77. "What the hell did you show them?"
  78. >"I've been listening to your dumb dog-in-a-cement-mixer story every time you've told it, which makes for, uh, maybe eight times now. And every time I hear it I just keep thinking of what the dog would look like. I just projected my own head-canon."
  79. You consider that for a minute. "Show me?"
  80. >"You're gonna hurl all over me and the sofa, dude."
  81. "No, serious, I wanna see."
  82. >"You asked for it." Shining's eyes flash. A goofier-looking version of himself peels in half revealing-
  83. "Holy mother of God!"
  84. >"I know, right?" the atrocity replies. It's like if Foxy had crossbred with dried old roadkill, chunks of concrete, and mad science.
  85. >There's a slight warp in reality and Shining is back.
  86. "Was the sparking brain in a jar really necessary?"
  87. >"It matches the video-camera eye."
  88. "I guess you're right. That was the better eye to look at, too, the way you make the other one jiggle like that."
  89. >"Bro, if this dog's been through all that, his eye's gonna jiggle like all. the. time."
  90. "Those neighbors will never talk to me again, I hope you know."
  91. >"Thank me later."
  92. "True. Up for some DOOM?"
  93. >"Always!"
  94. >Vidya happens.
  96. >Be Anon, late evening. Shining has gone thoughtfully silent for a while. Experience prepared you for what he was going to say next.
  97. >"I have to call home."
  98. "I'll go get the thing." Getting up, you head to your bedroom and retrieve your stainless steel survival signal mirror
  99. It was blued from heat and slightly warped.
  100. "Here ya go." Shoving a mound of old cigarette butts, peanut shells and other refuse to the rear of your giant ashtray, you balance the mirror between a couple of the slots so it stands more or less vertical.
  101. >giving you a nervous side-glance, Shining's horn alights, the glow enveloping the mirror.
  102. "Mork calling Orson. Come in, Orson." you intone, getting an annoyed glare in reply, as he continues to concentrate.
  103. >The little mirror suddenly illuminates, Cadance peering down at the two of you, apparently holding her mirror low.
  104. >"Shining! I'm sure you're having a good time." she says, acid dripping.
  105. >"Hi, fluffy-lumps! How are you and our daughter getting along?" Shining says in a bright voice.
  106. >"Like you care! You bolt out of my entire dimension the minute I need you the most!"
  107. >"But my precious, you were. Uh." he glances at you, worried about airing dirty laundry.
  108. >"Oh I'm sure you've already told Dear Anon all about the frying pan scene by now!" comes her tinny voice, the little polished sheet of metal actually buzzing in it's ashtray holder from the volume.
  109. "Hi, Cadance! I've missed you!" you exclaim, leaning into view momentarily.
  110. >"Fuck off, Anon!" comes the reply.
  111. >You give Shining an evil grin, from the sidelines. He re-focusses on the mirror.
  112. >"So, honey, I was just checking in to make sure everything's OK. I'll probably have to stay here for another day or two-"
  113. >"Prick!"
  114. >"And just wanted to wish you my everlasting love. I'll call again later on, OK?"
  115. >"You can fuck right off and shrivel, you cowardly vile bastard! I'm half tempted to come over there myself and-"
  116. >The image, which had been getting reddish and smokey, suddenly terminates with a sad tinkle sound.
  117. "Nice." you say, watching your little mirror fade from a deep red back down to normal, the smell of hot tin filling the room.
  118. >"I've just cost her another makeup compact." Shining says factually.
  119. "She should get them in bulk. I'm just glad I found a mirror that can withstand her calls."
  120. >Shining sighs. "I think I'm gonna hit the sack. It's been a long day."
  121. >Yawning, you agree.
  123. >Be day 3 of Shark Week
  124. >The bed quakes a bit. "unn."
  125. >You pop an eye open, then close it. Dim morning light illuminates the grungy room.
  126. >Another vibration, with an odd little sigh.
  127. >'What the fuck.' you think, annoyance bringing you back to consciousness.
  128. >an audible Smack sound, vibration and "Unnnnn."
  129. >Eyes open and bloodshot, you turn over. Facing you on the other pillow is a horse head. "Geez it's almost like on the Godfather." you think.
  130. >You see his closed eyes squint further, another smack sound from below, and another "Unnnn".
  131. >That does it. You reach out an arm and begin patting him relentlessly on the cheek.
  132. "Bad horsey! Bad bad horsey! Not in Anon's bed!"
  133. >Hooves flail under the covers and his eyes pop open as he tosses his head, his horn digging another gouge into your poor, scarred headboard.
  134. >"What! What's wrong!" he shouts, surging awake.
  135. "You were doing it again. You're going to make poor baby Jebus cry."
  136. >He rolls hooves up, covering his eyes. "Fuck, Anon. Sorry. I just miss her is all."
  137. "Yeah I know, that princess of love thing must be worth a million bucks, in the sack."
  138. >He turns toward you, at first looking annoyed. Then conspiratorial and mischievous. "You just have NO idea."
  139. "Well just don't fuck up my bed, I already washed my sheets once this season."
  140. >He snickers. "You need an entourage of servants."
  141. "Goddamn right I do. Wanna send some?"
  142. >"Would if I could, dude. They don't wanna get killed by Cadance either though, and in their case it's safer to stay and work than go with me."
  143. "Ah well. Shit."
  144. >"So. What's for breakfast?"
  146. "I'm thinking a danger run."
  147. >"Donut Hut? Sure, I could go for those. Pity I have to hide from police, seeing as I'm a guard captain."
  148. "Oh believe me, they see something like you, and you're gonna be so fulla holes you'll be see-through."
  149. >"I still say my shield spell would reflect the shots."
  150. "Even if it did then everything else is gonna get hit by 'em. Let's just stick with our usual plan."
  151. >the walk to the donut hut isn't terribly long but it's uncomfortably exposed. You just grin and wave at people when observed, though, and it seems to work.
  152. >The fun part begins when the donut shop comes into view. Fortunately there is a tall fence around it, with some thick shrubbery.
  153. >As you walk past, Shining dives into the shrub as you drop his leash. You continue on past the fence, entering the parking lot of the Donut Hut sans your pet.
  154. >The lot is, as usual, mostly full of cop cruisers.
  155. >Inside looks like an FOP convention, with animated conversation going on. Noone takes much note of you as you make your way to the register and order up a dozen, mostly filled with jellies and cremes but also a few apple fritters. Shining goes crazy for those.
  156. >Once done, you walk out again with the enormous box, trying to look nonchalant as you walk past the shrub.
  157. >Momentarily a blue glow surrounds you and the box, and you're whisked inside the shrub, only a couple of leaves floating down past where you had been walking.
  158. "Goddam, dude, you near wrenched my back."
  159. >"I'm just trying to make you vanish quick, so they can't tell where you went if anybody saw it." Shining replies.
  160. "Fine, just remember I break at high speeds."
  161. >Setting down the box, the two of you grab and scarf until they're gone and you're both bloated.
  162. "Well, they weren't especially good, but there were alot of them." you say.
  163. >Shining burps and nods. "I'm thirsty, wanna head back?"
  164. "Sure."
  165. Taking up his leash, the two of you, with a rolled up donut box under your arm, troop out for home.
  167. >Once again making it inside without incident, other than a couple of huge-eyed small children who stared at Shining all the way past their yard, you open the fridge.
  168. "What'cha want? I got Miller, Coors, and some old nasty Bud from when you were here last time."
  169. >"Get me a Miller."
  170. >Returning to the living room with drinks, you hold out a can which glows blue, whisks away from you and pops itself open.
  171. >you watch, impressed always, as Shining shoves the whole can in his muzzle and simply leans back, swallowing until it's dry.
  172. >the empty can hits your coffee table. "Ahh. Nothing like a cold breakfast beer, is there."
  173. >Cracking yours, you take a swig. "Indeed not."
  174. >He burps. "Really there's nothing quite like this stuff in Equestria. It's odd, too, considering that it's made from fermented plants. We're really into plants."
  175. "Just lucky, I guess. Then again our cider won't ring your bell unless it's been fermented first, unlike yours."
  176. >"Your culture was never blessed with alcohol-laden apples, not your fault there."
  177. "You keep promising to bring me some of those."
  178. >"I know, but I never really know ahead of time when's a good time to come over. I mean, it hits her all of a sudden like."
  179. >snickering, you reply "You need to keep a stocked bug-out bag handy."
  180. >"There usually isn't even enough time for that."
  181. "Even so. It might work."
  182. >"OK, I'll try to put something together. Hey I know. Load up Art Of Farting."
  183. "You're planning to spam me to death with ha-dookie balls again, aren't you."
  184. "Those that don't block, deserve to get hadookied to death."
  185. "OK, OK, let me load up MAME..."
  186. Vidya happens.
  188. >As the little animated china-man sweeps Ryo's flaming skeleton off the stage yet again, and Robert pumps his fists in the air, you set your controller down.
  189. "Hax!"
  190. >"Hey, if you just jump right and cling on the wall, the Hadookie Death Blast will go right under you."
  191. "Ryo for some reason doesn't "cling" to shit."
  192. >"He does when I play him."
  193. "Lies!"
  194. >Shining chuckles. "How about something a bit more old fashioned, the." he says, pulling up a purple velvet bag of dice.
  195. >"I've been working out a new campaign."
  196. "Do tell."
  197. >"In it, the beautiful princess has been kidnapped by her evil witch twin sister, who kills any hero who tries to get near her."
  198. "Sounds original enough. No idea what led to that idea. I'm up for it, what the hell."
  199. >Shining proceeds to produce some paper maps, a DM screen and such.
  200. "Where do you keep all that shit, anyway?"
  201. >"A dimension pocket. All ponies are taught how to make one, or at least spelled with one."
  202. "Can't you put some of those hundred-proof apples in there for me?"
  203. >"Anon, I love ya man, but I'm not gonna have a bushel of apples go bad in my pocket with all my other shit."
  204. "Fine. So. We're..."
  205. "At a tavern. A shady looking mare in a thick, hooded overcloak approaches us..."
  207. >"Let's see, Wookie flings primate-doodoo at the Colloidal Silverfish, dealing- (sound of rolling dice) 22 Hitpoints of pollution. My turn." Shining says.
  208. "The name's Captain Silverback- Goddammit, now you got me doing it. Captain Strongback to you, Pony Precious. And it was a throwing star."
  209. >"Whatevs. BattleMage Centaur Thewdious fires both bolts of his over-and-under crossbow, dealing- (dice) Critical Hit, 87 Hitpoints. Silverfish's turn"
  210. "I think you're cooking the dice."
  211. >"Please. That would be uncool. Silverfish uses Ass Pincer Attack on Gorilla, skwooshing you for (dice) 45 hitpoints. You better drink a heal. And get a shower ASAP too."
  212. "Gross!"
  213. >"Colloidal Silverfish does not attack Thewdious, begins charging something instead. Your turn."
  214. "Your dude is just lucky, right?"
  215. >"Hey, I don't make the rules. Oh wait, yeah I do!"
  216. "Uh-huh. Potions are for the weak. OK I jam my polearm down the silverfish's gullet like a shishkabob."
  217. >"I cast Zika Missile. (dice) Your polearm is deflected by the Silverfish's arm and misses. (dice) My spell hits, and will take two rounds to have effect. Silverfish finishes charging, then leaps high into the air, coming down in a Crashing Earthquake attack. We are both stunned. Silverfish bites helpless Thewdious, for (dice) 60 damage. I'm close to dead too. Roll for recovery."
  218. "Roll!"
  219. >(dice) You recover! Giant Chimpanzee regains his feet! See, it's a fair game. I roll. (dice) Thewdious, uh, doesn't. Your move?"
  220. "Broadsword to where its thorax joins to it's ass-ax!"
  221. >Shining chuckles, then throws the dice. "Not bad. 42 damage. The silverfish is on it's last pair of legs. I roll (dice) and recover, Thewdious recovers. Move?"
  222. "Same as last time!"
  223. >"I'm going with crossbow bolts again. Bonobo strikes midsection with sword. Critical! Silverfish now has no ass! My Zika Missile spell takes hold and its head deflates until it's eye-stalks touch. Silverfish goes mad. I fire two arrows at it, dealing (dice) 20 damage. Silverfish attacks itself dealing- Way more than necessary. It falls over dead, twitching."
  224. "Search it for treasure."
  225. >"Capuchin Monkey pulls it's ass-pincers apart, an enchanted scepter plus 50 gold pour from it's rectum."
  226. "Nice."
  227. >"I find it's the little things that make the game so much fun. Good play by the way."
  228. "Uh-huh. I say we continue down the tunnel, with your dude's mage-sight on."
  229. >Ogres & Oubliettes game continues for hours.
  231. >Be day 4 of Shark Week.
  232. >You feel the odd sensation of bristles bristling the bristles on your chin. It's an unfamiliar, and for some vague reason, troubling sensation.
  233. >You're also being hugged rather tightly, both around the neck and strangely down around your waist.
  234. >Your whole side is really warm, like you're laying against a water heater tank.
  235. >It's not a bad feeling at all, but some part of your mind was screaming in panic. Slowly you open your eyes.
  236. >"nndance." reaches your ears, as you see Shining apparently makking on your stubbly chin, deep in some sort of dream.
  237. 'Goddammit, not again.' you think. Then the unicorn homes in for a kiss, eyes half opening with a loving, languid look of sleepy adoration.
  238. "Shining!" you belt out. The unfocused pupils shrink right down and he freezes, then throws himself off of you, spitting and rubbing his lips with a foreleg.
  239. "That bitch better get over this soon or you're gonna be humping my leg next, I swear."
  240. >"Dude, I am SO sorry. I am SO-"
  241. "No, I get it, just let us never speak of this again."
  242. >He nods frantically, reddening again.
  243. >You clear your throat loudly, turning away and getting dressed. For a while there is no sound but that of your dressing.
  244. >Finally put together, you glance back at Shining. He looks a bit more composed, now.
  245. "How about some ice cream and cake?" you ask.
  246. >"Hell yeah, that sounds great!" he replies, relief flooding his voice, and the two of you set out.
  248. >Be in the grocery store, trying out Shining's new idea. Sick of being tied outside of stores, the two of you had made a stop at the local
  249. >Goodwill store. He's pacing along ahead of you, a former towel now magically emblazoned Guide Animal draped over his back.
  250. >You're holding onto what used to be some old golf-clubs, now reconfigured into a guide harness attached to him with straps under the towel.
  251. >You yourself are wearing a nasty bright green plaid shirt with a red and brown polka dot tie and orange slacks.
  252. >Atop your head is a monstrous black and white checked pimp hat. A huge pair of very dark sunglasses adorns your face.
  253. >You'd picked the outfit out yourself, and were quite proud of the overall effect.
  254. >Your guide animal leads you down aisle after aisle, drawing a few stares, especially when he spots something he wants and goes on
  255. >horn-point and you grab the indicated item, adding it to the plastic basket in your left hand.
  256. "I think they suspect." you whisper, you and he finally in an aisle empty of people.
  257. >"Even if they do, they're too scared of being politically incorrect to say anything, that's what's brilliant about this."
  258. >Shining whispers back.
  259. "Only a couple more things, I'm not made of money." you finish. He nods, then leads you to the frozen foods section.
  260. >You get hauled up and down the rows several times, Shining looking almost panicked by indecision, until he finally horn-points
  261. >out some chocolate-cherry ice cream and a chocolate pudding thaw-and-eat pie.
  262. >Basket heavy, you make your way to the checkout. Shining was as good as his word, the cashier's eyes repeatedly roving between the
  263. >"Guide Animal" blanket over his back, to his horn, before finally spending some time gazing at the wonder of your wardrobe.
  264. >You pay and leave without incident, the cashier never questioning the ease with which you produced the right bills.
  265. >Outside, you ask "And now what if a neighbor stops us near my place?"
  266. >"Just tell them that you're your cousin back to visit his dog that he misses. You look different enough in that getup."
  267. >"Uhuh. OK I'll buy that." you agree, nodding.
  268. >The return home is uneventful
  269. >feasting happens.
  271. >Awaken from napping on the sofa. Shining is busily trying to master the Rainbow Track on N64 kart. He's got his huge horse-tongue gripped >between his teeth, the controller shaking and rocking in midair before him. You sneak off to the bathroom to take a whiz.
  272. >Opening the bathroom door turns out to be a mistake.
  273. "Pee-yoo!!"
  274. >Hear the "bloop" of Pause being applied. "What's wrong, man?" echoes from the living room.
  275. >You flip the light on. "My toilet! It looks like somebody dumped a truckload of horse-shit on it!"
  276. >Your mood isn't improved by the peals of laughter that follow, then, "Hey I'm sorry, unless I flush it like five times when I go, this happens.
  277. >You guys just have these tiny mini toilets."
  278. "Well are you gonna come down here and do something about this, or do I hafta get a shovel?"
  279. >"I hate touching yucky stuff with magic! I hadda do that last time! Can't we just rent a steam-plunger somewhere?"
  280. "What the fuck's a steam plunger?!"
  281. >"Oh. OK, for Celestia's sakes. I'm coming."
  282. >Shining comes ambling down the hall, looking a trifle embarrassed.
  283. >"It's the cake, man. Cake does it every time."
  284. "Well I gotta piss, and I don't feel like sneaking out back. Can you just-"
  285. >"Yeah yeah I'll cram it all down with magic. I'm gonna feel gross for the rest of the day I hope you know."
  286. >he ambles inside. You stand there, watching with interest.
  287. >"Hey. Close the door, this is gonna be sick enough as it is, I don't need you watching."
  288. >Shutting the door, you hear him bitching. "Celestia- Oh man. Oh MAN. No. No. No." and little splashing sounds. You lean against the wall, at least if you had to suffer, so did he.
  289. >Finally there's a swoosh and a clean flush sound. Shining emerges, clean but totally grossed-out looking.
  290. >"There, your precious prissy princess-potty's ready for your ass, now. I'm gonna go be sick on the front lawn." he says, trudging past.
  291. >He lies, though, as you bolt inside you hear the "Bloop" of the game going off pause.
  293. >Be in the kitchen, You and Shining are staring at you arranging a cigarette stuck vertically in a hole in the bottom of a paper plate
  294. >inside the microwave. "OK, Shining, once I get this thing lit, set the glass bowl down over it."
  295. >'flick' 'flick-Pouf" ... "OK that's got it, cap 'er up!"
  296. >The bowl settles over the lit cigarette. Slapping the door shut, you turn the dial and the cheap microwave rattles and buzzes to life.
  297. >"How long, do you think?"
  298. "Didn't seem to take this long in the video, did it?" >BZZT<
  299. >"It's going!" >BZZZZZZZT-WHOOF!<
  300. "I saw one!"
  302. "It worked! A fire-demon!"
  303. >the two of you whoop and cheer, as a blue electrical entity floats around inside the glass bowl, until the remnant of the cigarette ignites the plate and smoke begins to pour out.
  304. "Oh shit!"
  305. >Shining magics a big-gulp cup full of water over as you rip the microwave open and lift the bowl. Shining douses the blaze.
  306. >The fire-demon, fortunately, had fled for safer dimensions by then.
  307. "Here you were saying I had no summoning magic."
  308. >"Well. It didn't say much and it didn't stay, did it. We'd still be talking to one of mine!"
  309. "Pleading for it not to eat our souls, no doubt."
  310. >"That's always the issue with 'em, yeah. It stinks in here."
  311. >You sniff. It certainly did. "Fire demon farts."
  312. >Shining yawns. "Well I'm about spent. Bed?" "Sure."
  314. >Be day 5 of Shark Week.
  315. >You're laying on a warm beach on a desert island, the sun-heated surf washing up and over you over and over.
  316. >You slowly come to realize that the warm water smells oddly of horse fur.
  317. >'That's never a good sign.' you think, feeling somewhat troubled.
  318. >You fight your way to consciousness and open your eyes. Your worst fears are confirmed, there is a horse sprawled over you.
  319. >And he's sleep-fucking against your belly.
  320. >Rage overtakes you. Reaching behind his mane, you grab and lift his head from over your shoulder, then throw yourself over top of him
  321. >and smoosh him into the bed on his back. Just to make your point, you give him a couple of hate-fuck grinds and leap off just as his
  322. >eyes blink open from the intense stimulation.
  323. >You lay there, propped on one elbow, staring into his left eye.
  324. >He stays there, hooves still up-stretched like tent-posts holding the blanket up.
  325. >His head turns to stare at you, mouth half open in shock.
  326. >"Who. Uh, who just molested who this time?" he asks.
  327. "You started it, so I judo'd your ass. Flawless victory! You're lucky I didn't teabag you beside."
  328. >"...Oh. OK."
  329. >The hooves lower, and he rolls over to face you. "So, um, breakfast?"
  330. "Breakfast."
  331. The two of you hop out of bed and set out.
  333. >Be standing in line at the Ice Cream Zone, dressed like a fashion nightmare and gripping the leader-dog harness of your Guide Animal.
  334. >An uncomfortable number of small children are petting your "pet unicorn".
  335. >"They're STICKY." Shining hisses back at you.
  336. >"He talks!" cries a little girl.
  337. "No, that's just me, I said, "I'm Picky!"...About my ice cream." you say loudly, giving Shining a discrete knee to the flank.
  338. >He bonks you in the shin with a hind hoof in return.
  339. "You kids better step back anyhow, he's got a nasty bite on him."
  340. >"Unicorns don't bite." the child insists.
  341. >Shining peers around until there aren't any adults watching, then jacks his mouth open. Despite being herbivorous, male equines have fangs.
  342. >You'd never gotten a good look at them before, but they were impressive.
  343. >"Grrrrr!" Shining adds.
  344. >You smile as the children scatter. Shining snaps his mouth shut and looks innocent, as the adults look around for a moment in confusion
  345. >before returning to their usual boredom.
  346. >Finally you reach the window, where some poor soul wearing a softserve-shaped hat asks your order.
  347. >You try to pinpoint what Shining's horn is pointing to on the sign.
  348. "I'll take a Rocky Ro-"
  349. >A hoof bonks your foot.
  350. "I mean, a turtle parfait."
  351. >"With nuts? asks the cashier. 'Maybe they have job openings.' you think distractedly for a moment, as you view the prices.
  352. >Shining's horn bobs almost imperceptibly. "Yes. And a chocolate float with some hot fudge dumped in."
  353. >You complete the transaction, then retreat, thankfully free of children, a couple of houses down where there happens to be a halfway
  354. >vision-blocking grotto in the landscaping to hide in and eat.
  355. >"Monkey kids. Yecch!" Shining says, before working on his parfait.
  356. "I feel the same way, honestly."
  357. >he chuckles
  358. >Feasting happens.
  360. >Be later on, at Anon's place. Conversation has ranged around a number of things, but returned to the ice cream store.
  361. >"And what is with that mascot thing? "Scoopy?""
  362. "You mean the ice-cream cone with creepy dead eyes eating itself with a spoon?"
  363. >"Yeah that. That's nightmare fuel."
  364. "I'm sure many of those children from this morning regularly wake up screaming from it. Pretty sure I have, at least once."
  365. >"Maybe it can't feel pain."
  366. "Geez I hope not. And it's sort of anchored to the spot, so it can't move and find other sources of sustenance."
  367. >Shining shivers. "The horror is on so many levels."
  368. "I just try to avert my eyes from the sign. It never works, though. It's like a gory wreck. You just have to stare."
  369. >"The owners of that place are sickos."
  370. "Sadists, I'd say. You saw those hats they make the employees wear."
  371. >"Oh yeah, those are bad too."
  372. "I was thinking, though, that it might beat being a cardboard box crusher.
  373. >"What are you talking about anyhow? Would you literally be-"
  374. "Yeah, you see, the box compactor broke at a warehouse I walk by, and I got offered five bucks an hour to jump up and down on them myself."
  375. >Shining stares down at the floor for a minute.
  376. >"Sometimes I forget what being a prince really means. But even then, the kind of jobs we have are so much, er, less squalid."
  377. "Squalid's just how things are here nowadays, bud! Don't sweat it."
  378. >"Hm. If you say so. Up for some Portal?"
  379. "I suppose I could be convinced to portal a little."
  380. >vidya happens
  382. >be at the town dog-park, sans blind guy disguise.
  383. >Instead, you've painted Shining up as a dalmatian with hair spray-paint and a stencil. It looks alright, other than the spots being all
  384. >the same size, and "Brunette" instead of black. Right now he's chasing a frisbee you've thrown. He leaps- And catches it.
  385. >Then throws it back. You take off and dive for it, just managing to grip the thing.
  386. >The other humans and their dogs do their own things, completely ignoring your talented pet.
  387. >Twirling, you release a low one that floats high, then arcs. He barrels after it, neatly leaping a basset hound, and catches it.
  388. >Back it comes. You miss, stumbling, but recover. The game continues on until you begin to notice Shining's spots starting to run.
  389. >You wave him in.
  390. >He's panting and sheened in sweat. "What's up man?" he whispers.
  391. "Your spots are coming off."
  392. >"Oh. Shit."
  393. >Clipping on the leash, The two of you make your way back home.
  394. >Taking off his collar, your nose wrinkles. "You stink!"
  395. >"So do you!" You check. "Oh, yeah. OK I get first."
  396. >"You'll use up all the hot water."
  397. "So, just wait until it's hot again."
  398. >"You want me to get spots all over the furniture while I'm waiting?"
  399. "Point. Ok get your ass in there."
  400. >Firing up MegaMan, you relax.
  401. "Heh. Another giant robot. Surprise surprise!"
  402. >You liked the robots though. It was the monkey you could never get your head around.
  403. >Shining walks out, slick but clean and de-stinkified. "Your turn!"
  404. "Geez dude, at least put on a towel!"
  405. >He sticks out his tongue at your feeble joke, as you pass him the controller on the way past.
  406. >"Oh look! Another giant robot!" echoes down the hall after you. It was sort of a running gag when you'd play it together.
  408. >Be the middle of the night.
  409. >Hear the jingle bells taped to the cardboard that's long since taken the place of your front window shaking madly, pop awake.
  410. "What's that stupid horse doing now," you think, thumping an arm over to Shining's side to see if he's there.
  411. >Your hand impacts a warm furry object that goes "Ow!"
  412. "Shh! Get up. We got burglars." you hiss.
  413. >That did it. Shining was over you, out of bed and equipped with your samurai sword at ready in his magical grip in a hot second.
  414. >Sometimes you forget he's a military- Uh, person.
  415. >You roll out too, put on some undies, slide your AR out from under the bed, and chamber a round.
  416. >Creeping over to your door, you open it slowly.
  417. >You can hear some kind of ignorant grunting, a sort of proto-language.
  418. >You and Shining nod to one another, creeping out and down the hall. The living room lights are on.
  419. >entering the room, you see two absolutely huge troglodytes. You note they've got your TV halfway off the wall.
  420. >They drop what they're doing, and aim a pair of cheap, fat pistols at you and Shining. The guns light up with Shining's magic.
  421. >Shining squints and a pair of blue rings shoot off his horn, ringing their heads like a game of horseshoes.
  422. >"You are apprehended in the name of the Equestrian guard! Any attempt to resist or flee will result in death!" he shouts.
  423. >One shouts, as both begin aiming and shaking their guns at Shining. One tries beating at the energy ring around his
  424. >neck with his, then both bolt out the wreckage of the window.
  425. >"Halt!! STOP!" Shining cries, as the sound of tire screeching takes place and a vehicle roars away.
  426. "Wow. Nicely done!" you state, as Shining stands there, mouth hanging open, a haunted expression on his face.
  427. >You start to straighten the nastily bent TV mount. It's gonna need some new screws, but you get the TV back on the wall straight enough for now.
  428. >Beginning to tape the window cardboard back up, you worry about Shining.
  430. "What's wrong, man?"
  431. >"Those burglars. I used a restraint spell that's fatal within minutes if it's not controlled. They're gonna die!"
  432. "They'd have shot us both if you hadn't magic'd their shit and been all magical-unicorny, you know."
  433. >"Er, I guess..."
  434. "So what's gonna happen?" you ask, eagerly.
  435. >"It's going to pop their heads off at the neck."
  436. "Ah."
  437. >"Shouldn't we alert somebody? Save them?"
  438. "One, they're still armed, two, they look just like the ones that stole my pinball machine-"
  439. >"The bastards!"
  440. "And three, what the hell would we tell anyone. I say we call it a night and wish them the best of luck."
  441. >Shining digests that, still troubled, but finally swallows and nods.
  442. >As you finish replacing your "window" and Shining continues to stand, frozen by indecision, the house is rocked by a far-off explosion.
  443. >"There went the spells."
  444. ""Pop", eh?"
  445. >"It's quite a pop, yes."
  447. >Soon the sound of machine-gun fire rings out, barely audible. The rattling and popping builds until it's like the fourth of July.
  448. "I'm gonna tune in the scanner, let's see what's going on." you say, booting up the PC and loading the correct page.
  449. "Got it."
  450. >Unlike usual, the moment the player starts there is radio chatter.
  451. >"pfft-Appears that the leader and top general of the crimsons were beheaded by the royals, tonight. Vics were found laying outside a vehicle."
  452. >"We have crowds of suspects exchanging gunfire at multiple locations."
  453. >"Need backup."
  454. >"Two groups converging at the intersection"
  455. >The two of you listen as the carnage unfolds, Shining chewing his bottom lip nervously.
  456. "Don't sweat it, man. You made the world a better place, tonight."
  457. >"Anon, sometimes I HATE your world."
  458. >You just nod.
  459. >The cheap, apocalyptic entertainment continues to pour from the scanner until with a "Thock! Tick tic tic" something hits the door.
  460. >Opening it a bit and looking around, you peer down at the porch. There's a spent bullet laying there, slightly scratched from it's journey
  461. >but mostly undamaged. You grab it and close the door. It's still warm.
  462. >"That's what you gotta look out for, the bit that comes outta the barrel from the cartridge." you say, showing Shining.
  463. >He'd never quite gotten the whole cartridge versus bullet thing down right.
  464. >"Anon?"
  465. "Yeah?"
  466. >"I want to go back to bed now. And cast a super thick shield around it."
  467. >You couldn't argue with that.
  469. >Be day 6 of Shark Week
  470. >Be asleep
  471. >Hear a tinny but somehow lovely rendition of Old Fashioned Love Song, or a close variant, playing in a buzzy manner.
  472. >You feel oddly chilled.
  473. >The music slowly becomes annoying. Eyes still closed, you reach out and paw around on your bedside table until you locate the source of the
  474. >noise. Bringing it up to your face, you crack your eyes halfway open.
  475. >It's your survival mirror. "Bitch must be feeling better." you think, swiping a finger across it.
  476. >The room illuminates, yet you're still staring at a black rectangle.
  477. "Shining? Are you there, Shi- Aieeeeee!! Shining, noooo!"
  478. >There is a sobbing noise, then the light goes out with a click.
  479. "What the fuck!"
  480. >You lower the mirror. Shining is asleep, facing away from you, his breath warming your right ankle.
  481. >You find that the blanket somehow got pulled down when he crawled over, he's straddling you, his tail draped across your thigh.
  482. >Worst of all, his big, smooth, pink horse-balls are laying there atop your hairy pair like four eggs in a nest. TOUCHING.
  483. "ARRRGHHHHHHH!!" you shout, face contorted in dread.
  484. >His head pops up, peering around until he stares back and sees your face.
  485. >Then he stares at where he's sitting.
  486. >"Great Celestia's Tits!" he shouts, leaping painfully off of you and cowering in a corner.
  487. >The two of you stare at each other suspiciously, wary of the other making any sudden move.
  488. "Fag!"
  489. >"Queermo!"
  490. >Another Mexican standoff. Your eyes never leaving his, you slide slowly out of bed and dress. Shining blinks.
  491. "Rump-ranger!"
  492. >"Ass spelunker!"
  493. "I knew it! I'm gonna get a kevlar butt-vest for when you're around!" you accuse.
  494. >"Oh yeah? Well I'm not taking the ass part of my armor off, ever again in case you show up!" he replies.
  495. >Another stare-down happens. You decide to try to be diplomatic.
  496. "It's possible that this happened by accident."
  497. >Shining nods desperately.
  498. "We could just-"
  499. >"Never speak of this again?" he adds, hopefully.
  500. "Exactly."
  501. >"Yes! That! Let's do that!"
  502. "There's just one problem."
  503. >"What?"
  504. "Your wife saw."
  505. >His face became an artistic study, most resembling the face in the painting "The Scream".
  506. >"H-How?"
  507. "She called, I was asleep, and I answered the goddamn mirror facing backwards."
  508. >He collapses, holding his muzzle in his hooves. "I'm ruined. I'll never be able to face the troops again, once this gets out. She's probably
  509. >printing up full-color fliers of the screen right now."
  510. "Maybe not. I think she's over her shit!"
  511. >A hoof lifts, and an eye peers out. "Gimme that mirror!" he yelps, bounding over.
  512. >One very long, awkward conversation later, one in which you were forced to participate, and Shining is back to normal.
  513. >More or less, so is his wife, but only after many reassurances.
  515. >Be eating toaster-waffles left over from the shopping trip in your living room with Shining.
  516. >"And that's that. Once she's over her shit, all she remembers is everybody running away, none of the bad stuff."
  517. "Sort of like selective amnesia, then."
  518. >Shining gives you the Spock eyebrow. "Whatever that is, yeah. So she gets back to normal, the castle's more or less deserted, and she gets
  519. >super lonely, real fast. So I gotta head back sometime soon."
  520. "Well man, it's been fun like always. I'll miss ya until next time."
  521. >"Yeah, me too. And I'm going to have to try to explain why her best frying pan is bent over the top step of the castle entrance, she won't remember a thing about that."
  522. "Too weird."
  523. >"Too right it is. Best I can tell though, it's not that strange. I mean, it's strange alright, but it's not strange for mares in general."
  524. >You nod. Your experience with women was limited, but sufficient to provide insight.
  525. "Ya know, Anon, I'm not the same homeless shivering pony you found, all those months ago. I eat your food, I use your stuff. Let me help offset the cost. I know you guys use that paper stuff for cash, but some of it's coin. Can you sell these for anything?" he says, levitating you a couple Equestrian Bits.
  526. >You bounce one in your palm. "About three ounces?" "At least, I imagine." "Pure gold?" "Twenty-four karat." "This is worth nearly four thousand bucks, here. Of course I gotta melt it and make little bars or something, I'm sure you don't want Equestrian money circulating here."
  527. >"Not that it matters I'm sure, but go ahead, whatever you need. Four grand, really? It's worth about a tomato in Equestria, seeing as how common gold is there."
  528. "Well it certainly offsets a whole lot, thanks, man!"
  529. >"I'll give ya some every time, OK?"
  530. "Fine by me!"
  531. >"Welp, I guess I better call her and tell her I'm coming home."
  532. >You fetch the mirror, and he makes the call.
  533. >"You ready to come back from Anon's, honey? comes Cadance's sweet voice.
  534. >"Yes sweety-flank, I'm about to portal."
  535. >"Thank goodness. Flurry Heart is up in the rafters and won't come down. I think she's been eating the houseplants to survive. She wants Daddy."
  536. >"Tell her Daddy's on his way."
  537. >"I'll have the royal de-lousers on standby for you. No offense, Anon." She winks at you.
  538. "None taken."
  539. >The mirror clicks dark again.
  540. >You toss the paper plates and stuff in the trash, as Shining gets up and stretches.
  541. >"I guess this is where I say, ad-doo."
  542. "Yeah man, keep in touch! See ya next time!"
  543. >Shining's horn sparkles very brightly, the living-room walls all seem to flex inward as he squints in concentration, then in a rush of wind
  544. >he's gone.
  545. >You peer at the coins in your hand, fire up Ebay, and order some small graphite bar-molds.
  546. >Life is looking up!
  548. I hope everyone enjoyed reading this as much as I did writing it.
  549. -Aganon
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