Potato Squad: IRA and the Nazi Elves

Title: Potato Squad: Of IRA and Nazi Elves
>Be me.
>Bunker Anon.
>Be a Bunker Buster
>What's a Bunker Buster?
>My entire job is to get rid of bunkers that pop up randomly thanks to continuing /k/onvergence activity.
>For some reason anything from Nazi bunkers to Soviet bunkers to British subway tunnels to even American Cold War bunkers have showed up randomly. We even found a couple missile silos once.
>That one dwarven tunnel that everyone passes by in the mine could one day have a giant metal doorway with a hammer and sickle painted on it.
>For obvious reasons this is bad because all sorts of shit wanders out.
>It's also taboo to go inside for many fantasy races.
>Not for humans though.
>I'm not even sure if these bunkers came from our world either.
>One of them had a map that showed all of England gone and a red letters that said "AVOID" over where the island used to be.

>I'm traveling with an elf named Peruna.
>She's a wood elf and happens to have a fascination of the IRA.
>This means she goes around with the very same camo and jeans.
>No balaclava though, it doesn't fit over her knife ears.
>She even carries an AR-18 and a Hi Power.
>Even has an accent and ginger hair too.
>I tried coaxing her into taking something a little more handy for the tight spaces of bunkers but she just delves into broken gaelic, elvish, and heavily accented english while mumbling something about "her little Armalite," "ye damn URCs," and "Margaret Thatcher the cunt."
>The stock folds up so it's not all bad.
>I have an M79 loaded with magic 40mm grenades.
>If you've ever played Breath of the Wild the explosions are exactly like the ones the bombs make.
>Big, blue, and beautiful. Strangely electric too.
>It's good since they just toss shit around and don't damage walls or anything.
>Peruna and I have talismans so the magic explosions don't hurt us. We just might get thrown around.

>The grenades only weigh a quarter of real HE ones too. They only have a rune and some magic powder inside.
>I still do keep some HE grenades though.
>The dwarf who invented these also made a magic equivalent of the buckshot shells.
>It's just a cone of blue magic when you fire it.
>Handy for bunker tunnels.

>Peruna and I have been told a bunker has popped up in the woods north of a wood elf village.
>Peruna knows the mayor's daughter so we're getting paid nicely for this one.
>"OI YE CUNT."
>That would be Peruna.
>"How much further to the fooking bunker?"
>"Only a couple more miles."
>I look back and Peruna is drinking out of a flask. AGAIN.
>I confiscate the whiskey much to her dismay.

>This is the 7th flask I've had to take away from her.
>If I don't watch her constantly she will get blackout drunk on missions.
>"Where did you hide this one?"
>"My hair."
>"YOUR HAIR?"
>"Aye."
>She doesn't even have curly hair, it's just long and straight.
>We keep marching north until we come across a 1940s German suburb.
>It's a nice little town too.
>No one here though.
>Peruna has her AR-18 in her hand now.
>She looks a little scared at the complete silence of the town.
>Or that might be the whiskey kicking in.
>"Anon ye think there's anyone here?"
>"Probably not."
>She aims her rifle upwards and fires.
>The gunshot cracks and echos.
>We wait a little bit and still see nothing.
>"Aye I think she's all quiet."
>We keep exploring the town and raid the local gun store.
>Looks like someone's been here before us.
>All the cases are smashed in and looted.
>There's a house nearby with a Kettenkrad hastily parked outside.
>"Let's have a look inside shall wee?"
>Peruna runs inside the house and starts turning over everything.
>As she ransacks the kitchen I head downstairs to find a blast door with a swastika painted over it.
>Jackpot.

>"PERUNA I FOUND SOMETHING."
>"I'll be there in a minute."
>The fuck is she doing.
>Peruna comes back down with some baked potatoes.
>"Want one?"
>Of course the IRA elf takes time out of her day to for some potatoes.
>I go up to the door and attempt to open it.
>Much to my surprise it opens on the first try.
>Usually we have to blow it open.
>The doorway leads into a small alcove where a shattered light bulb hangs.
>Everything ahead of us is pitch black.
>"I'll take point."
>Peruna folds the stock of her rifle and heads in.
>We find a body in the next room.
>"You think he's dead."
>"I don't know but he looks positively muntered."
>"You check if he's dead."
>"Oi why me? Why not ye?"
>"Because I have a grenade launcher and you have a rifle and pistol."
>"Fair enough…"
>Peruna sheepishly walks over and pokes the body's stahlhelm.
>It doesn't move.
>She pokes it again with the muzzle of her Armalite.
>It doesn't move.
>She batters it over the head and yells "WAKE UP YE WEE TWAT. IT'S TIME TO CROSS THE RHINE."
>"SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE."
>IT'S MOVING
>Peruna empties her entire magazine in fright into the body.
>More screeching can be heard deeper in the bunker.
>"Why did you have to do that?"
>"Well now we know they're there roight? No surprises on us."
>fucksake.
>Zombies are pretty common in these bunkers. It's suspected some element of necromancy is at play here.
>The irony of fighting "Nazi zombies" is not lost on me.
>Peruna's ears are twitching a little bit in fear.
>I peer into the hallway and see a couple of resurrected bodies moving around.
>BLOOP
>The magic 40mm cleans out an entire end of the hallway.
>Peruna shoots down the other way catching a couple off guard.
>"SCREEE."
>Some of the undead have guns like K98s or MP40s and try to shoot at us despite the recoil disintegrating their shoulders.
>We meet more and more undead.
>I send magic 40mm grenades into rooms before Peruna runs in to clear them.
>All while yelling things like "COME OUT YE BLACK AND TANS" or "MEET ME LITTLE ARMALITE."

>The more floors we go down the more whole the undead are.
>Meaning that nearly all of them can shoot at us and competently too.
>There's also a fuck ton of them.
>This is why I bring an M79.
>Peruna mag dumps down hallways between me firing and reloading the grenade launcher.
>We come across a floor that's all empty.
>No activity at all.
>The signs also read "Elektrizität"
>We can probably turn on a generator so we won't be dealing with undead scaring us from the dark.
>It's a strangely long hallway that causes my stomach to turn.
>I work on the generator while Peruna keeps watch.
>I can't read German much less operate a complex piece of equipment like this.
>I kick it.
>The generator turns on.
>hey that's pretty good.iduppz
>The lights turn on and Peruna gives a sigh of relief.
>Her face loses all colour and goes pale.
>"What's wrong?"
>She flicks her AR-18 to automatic.
>"Peruna what's wrong?"
>She points upwards.
>The entire ceiling is covered in a writhing mass of reddish flesh.
>There's some kind of tube with black goo coursing through it all.
>It has a weird overlay of holes that function as a mouth? A nose? An asshole?
>It's enough to make a trypophobic scream with how they all undulate and poke out.
>FUCK THIS.
>We both run back to the staircase.
>We're nuking the bunker for sure.

>As we go deeper and deeper the bunker becomes more and more well kept.
>It looks brand new at this point.
>The undead now all have SS uniforms instead of being a flaky gray mass.
>They're also very good shots.
>They managed to shoot Peruna's eighth flask when she was trying to sneak a sipp.
>The undead have forced us back into a room and one of them must have turned off the generator because it's all dark again.
>We can still see the undead by the faint red glow of their eyes.
>Makes it easy for Peruna to pick them off as they try to peek the doorway.
>We can hear them talking with each other and despite me shooting grenades into the hallway it sounds like more and more are gathering.
>A sound like tearing canvas rips through the hallway.
>I can hear the undead screaming.
>Friendly fire?
>That sounds like an MG42.
>"Leck mich am Arsch, du feige Ratte!"
>An elf in full SS trooper gear pops their head into the doorway.
>"Guten tag!"
>"Who in the fook are ye?"
>"Peruna be nice."
>"Well a goddamn psychopath with a machine gun has just appeared so forgive me for being so fooking concerned."
>"No sorge friends. Ich am here to help du."
>alright.
>The elf leads us further into the bunker. Their jackboots nonchalantly stepping on the undead.
>She's humming Funkerlied.
>"Hilf mir with das radio ja? Hold ze little button on ze speaker."
>The elf argues with someone on the other end and kicks on a wall.
>"AUFMACHEN!"
>The wall slides to the side to reveal more elves in SS regalia.
>"Willkommen freunde!"
>This is ought to be good.

>Every elf we see is wearing some variant of a german uniform.
>The elf who saved us introduces herself as Kartoffel.
>Kartoffel looks exactly like you'd expect an elf who apparently lives in a German bunker does.
>Blond hair and blue eyes.
>Kartoffel leads us to some office with a tall bald elf sitting at a desk.
>He greets us.
>"Welcome friends! Please sit."
>Peruna does not look convinced.
>"Anon this kraut has some crap shit up his sleeve I guarantee it."
>"Uhh you do know I can hear you ja?"
>"Fuck off jerry."
>I put my hand over Peruna's mouth before she can go on.
>"What my friend here meant to say was we are honoured to be welcomed into your beautiful community full of well armed and well trained elves."
>I enunciate the last couple words and make strong eye contact with Peruna to prove my point.
>"I am glad you schisses… I mean outsiders feel that way."
>Bald fag has pulled out a luger and laid it on his desk.
>"We have survived down here for generations upon generations. Unable to leave. But now there is evidence of a wider world outside this bunker ja?"
>"Of course."
>"Well in our mission to continue the glory of the high elves, a master race compared to… wood elves."
>Bald fag is staring daggers at Peruna.
>"We must find the allies necessary to fulfill our purpose of 'hassing da jewels.'"
>"Do you mean gassing the jews?"
>"What the fuck is a jew?"
>Bald fag pulls out a small booklet with a watered down swastika on it.
>"Zis is the guiding document of our whole civilization. Written by ze great Aiden Hillter."
>The whole book is water damaged.
>"Of course it is a bit hard to read, but every generation has passed their knowledge of the Aaron elves down to the next.
>He probably means Aryan.
>"As guests in our home we only ask that you be polite and help us in our time of need."
>"What do you need us to do?"
>"As you probably saw earlier those fake Nazis upstairs have been running rampant. We desire you put an end to it. In return we will award you the highest honour of the Erin Croissant."
>Behind us Kartoffel gasps.
>"Herr Wurst, surely you will not give such an award to a… wood elf."
>Peruna is turning red from anger.
>"Ze human shall be awarded, but his elven… friend shall not. I understand ze irony of giving such an award to one lower than an elf. But in this situation it shall suffice."

>Kartoffel brings us to a hatch in the floor guarded by two other elves.
>"Hullo Käse, Hullo Brot you are relieved of guard duty."
>Kartoffel opens the hatch and jumps in.
>"Anon are we actually going to help some wannabe third reich elves? There is just a wee little problem of that they're all probably crazy."
>Peruna climbs down the hatch mumbling "master race my ass. Nothing masterful about it except being a bunch of wee little faggots with their helmets looking like donuts."
>The hatch leads to a sewer and Kartoffel is aiming her MG42 by the bipod into the darkness.
>"I must ask what is a mensch doing with a wood elf? Wouldn't you rather travel around with a true elf? One that is able to carry a gun of wood and steel and not one of plastic?"
>Peruna grabs Kartoffel by the shoulders.
>"YE DUNDERHEID HOW ABOUT YOU SAY THAT TO ME FACE?"
>I watch as the two grapple and throw each other against the walls.
>I'm not really sure what to do…
>They cool down and Kartoffel takes lead down the sewer.
>Peruna has a bruise on her face from the buttstock of the MG42.
>"Our mission is to put an end to the undead that have been spawning in the bunker. We will continue through the hordes until we find the source."
>"And then what?"
>"Gas it of course!"
>Kartoffel pulls out a canister labeled zyklon B.
>Alright these guys aren't nearly as harmless as I thought.
>Kartoffel is way too nonchalant as she regals us with stories of "purging the filth from the bunker for the good of society" and "ensuring the future of the true high elf race."
>In the middle of one of her stories she suddenly fires into the darkness.
>She was able to see a horde of undead before we even could sense anything was wrong.
>"Ich habe ihn im Sperrfeuer, hilf mir ihn auszuschalten!"
>I shoot a grenade and it lights up the sewer showing a horde of undead advancing on us.
>They fire back.
>Thankfully Kartoffel's MG42 makes quick work of them.
>Sure she's a little crazy but so far she's been more responsible than Peruna.
>"Anon you see any more?"
>I turn back to see Peruna holding a handful of pipe bombs.
>The fuses are lit.
>THE FUSES ARE LIT.
>I grab them and throw them as hard as I can down the sewer.
>I threw them high and they hit the ceiling and come down a mere few meters away.
>thisishowidie.mp3
>Kartoffel runs and throws the pipe bombs further down the sewer.
>True hero.

>They explode knocking open a hole in the wall.
>We check the hole and find a room with a giant can.
>It says "Nazi Zombies: 1488 Count."
>An undead climbs out and the number ticks up to 1489.
>That would be the spawner.
>Kartoffel is getting antsy and is blushing while fondling the Zyklon B grenade.
>Oh no.
>I grab her arm and push it down.
>She's still breathing heavily.
>I go up and cave the undead's head in with the butt of my M79.
>The can still has a lid on it.
>There's a giant can opener next to it.
>I grab it and suddenly a voice echoes through the room.
>"WHO DARES ENTER THE ROOM OF THE BOHNE NIGGER."
>mfw
>"Me?"
>"THIS IS A SACRED CAN WHERE THE SOULS OF THE REICH WHO ARE NOT AT PEACE MAY COME BACK INTO THIS WORLD. TO EXACT REVENGE UPON THE JUDDEN. TO HALT THE DEGENERACY OF THE WORLD BROUGHT BY THEM."
>Idea
>I explain the world as it currently is with all the hippie shit that's been going on. I talk about France, Britain, Russia, Japan, and the US.
>The voice seemed especially interested in the fate of Russia after the war and the Japanese.
>I also explain how Kartoffel is just one of the many Nazi elves who are their pure descendants and have come to bring Aryan glory.
>The voice laughs at her name.
>"Anon don't you mean Aaron glory?"
>"S-sure."
>"WELL THEN IN THAT CASE I GUESS THE WUNDERKAMPFENSOLDATENFABRIK MAY CLOSE. FOR OUR MISSION IS COMPLETE."
>Wait I forgot to say what happened to Germany.
>The can shuts closed and implodes on itself.
>It sprays me with baked beans.
>I turn to see Peruna laughing her ass off and Kartoffel in awe.
>"Dast ist dein true source of ze undead?"
>Kartoffel climbs out of the pipe and picks one of the beans off me.
>She eats it and her eyes light up.
>She starts grabbing more off my jacket.
>I'm getting creeped out.
>I push her away and we go back to the bald fag in the bunker.
>In the office the bald fag declares how proud he is of me and how from this day "Anon shall be an honorary A-a-ron."
>ok then
>He gives me a croissant in the shape of an iron cross.
>I guess this is that Erin Croissant.
>Tons of the elves in the room cheer as I eat it.
>When I finish they all yell YEET and dab.
>Peruna is losing her shit in the back.
>oh fuck why.
>All the other elves file out leaving Peruna, Kartoffel, bald fag, and me in the room.
>Bald fag regals me with the history of this "great Aaron race."
>"Our human prophet came from a land of 'Pole', zis man claimed to be a 'Pole' himzelf!"
>"So he was from Poland?"
>"No he was from what you humans call a board. From a board of 'Pole.'
>Oh that explains a lot.
>"He told us we were honorary Aarons."
>I really want to explain what actually happened. But let's let them have their fun.
>"Anon, we ask one last favor of you."
>"Which is?"
>"Allow Kartoffel to travel with you and learn of the world above."
>"Oh uhhh."
>I look back and Peruna is looking at me curiously and Kartoffel is looking with trusting eyes.
>Fuck man.
>How can you say no to a Nazi satire elf who just wants to purge degenerates with her MG42?

>I take Peruna out of the room.
>"What do you think of Kartoffel?"
>"I think she's a bloody psychopath and will be a liability."
>"W-"
>"But it'll be nice to have company."
>"What?"
>"I'm not going to lie you're a fucking idiot at times too."
>"Oh."
>"Like that time you shot me with your grenade launcher."
>"It was an accident."
>"Yeah and so was being captured as a slave by some other elves."
>"It was a misunderstanding.

>We leave the bunker and explain to the town the exact circumstances.
>They seem alright with it as long as there are elves inside.
>I just describe them as "unique."
>Still got paid though so all is fine.
>Kartoffel is ecstatic to be out and exploring.
>She can't wait to see everything.
>It's kind of sad that we're mostly going to be exploring bunkers.
>"Anon can we go outzide?"
>"Kartoffel it's night time we should be sleeping."
>"But zis ist the first time I've seen der Mond. Much less ze stars."
>"Ugh sure."
>Peruna isn't interested in going.
>"Have fun bonding with ye fooking kraut killing machine."
>That's encouraging.
>Kartoffel is like a little kid just running around looking at everything.
>I guess if you grow up in a bunker of concrete anything else is exciting.
>Makes me feel a little bit sad.
>"Anon vat is dis?"
>"That's called a mushroom Kartoffel."
>"And zis?"
>"That's a rabbit. Put it down."
>"Can you eat these?"
>"Yes you can eat rabbits but y--- HOLY SHIT."
>Kartoffel bites the head off the rabbit.
>The entire head is gone and the neck is spurting blood.
>She's chewing on it like an apple.
>"You're supposed to cook the rabbit first Kartoffel."
>"But das taste fine to me."
>She starts sucking on the neck.
>"It even has juice too."
>I keel over and vomit a bit.
>DISGUSTING.MP3
>I show Kartoffel the nearby river.
>I'm still wondering how she managed to chew on its skull without choking.
>"Anon what are those things in the water?"
>"Those are fishes."
>She fires a belt into the river, tosses the MG42 aside, and jumps in.
>Does she know how to swim?
>She climbs out with three fishes.
>"Can we ea-"
>"Yes you can eat them but you need to"
>Again before I can say cook she's eating one.
>Just going at it like a woodchipper until she gets to the tails.
>"Kartoffel didn't they cook things in your bunker?"
>"Ja but I just love eating fresh things. Everything in the bunker was preserved dry rations. This is so much wunderbar."
>"You need to cook things though you could get sick."
>"But then where's ze fun in zhat? Don't you want to bite in the flesh of your enemy whole? Knowing you are of ze master race and dat you are dein chosen?"
>Holy fuck she is crazy.
>She has crazy eyes right now and a smile that is way to ernest. There's also blood dribbling down her mouth.
>I am strangely aroused.
>"Anon I save ein fish for you."
>"T-t-thanks Kartoffel."
>"Essen das fish!"
>"How about I cook it first?"
>"ANON WHY?"
>Oh fuck she's angry.
>"Because it's better cooked. I swear!"
>Kartoffel calms down a bit and sits defeated.
>"Ja cook das fish."
>I make a small fire and get it going before finding a small tree branch to skewer the fish on.
>Kartoffel actually looks really pretty in the ambient moonlight and soft glow of the fire.
>Her uniform is still shiny from the water and her helmet reflects the light.
>The juxtaposition of a nice elf girl and the uniform of an SS is nice in a way that's hard to explain.
>I roast the fish and give it to Kartoffel to try.
>After her first bite her face gives the impression she had a heart attack.
>She gobbles down the fish and while still chewing reloads her MG.
>Dumps the belt into the river, all 250 rounds
>The tracers light up the night and reflect off the water.
>She and jumps in.
>She comes out with 10 more fishes, 5 in each hand.
>"Anon cook mehr bitte!"

>"MORNING CUNT!"
>Peruna is standing over me.
>"Good morning to you too."
>"We got ourselves another little job to do so if you could get up it would be oh so lovely."
>I get up and wander into the kitchen.
>Much to my surprise Kartoffel is standing there cooking something.
>"Guten tag Anon! I cook Frühstück!"
>"Oh thanks Kartoffel."
>"Well someone seems to like their wee german psychopath."
>"Peruna I do not know of the word sigh ko pat. What does it mean?"
>"Well Karty it mea---"
>I push Peruna out of the way before she says anything.
>"Peruna we wouldn't want to use that kind of language around the well armed and sensitive friend of ours would we?"
>I point to the MG42 Kartoffel has slung over her back.
>"Ahhh I see someone's a little protective."
>"Shut up Peruna."
>The potatoes and sausage Kartoffel cooked are pretty good.
>Peruna and Kartoffel are finally bonding over something.
>Potatoes.
>Of course the IRA and German elves find common ground on potatoes.

>The next bunker is an NVA fortification.
>This means it topically showed up in a jungle region.
>And what's best way to fly over a jungle and get dropped down to destroy an NVA fortification like it's 1965?
>Peruna is chatting with the pilot up front.
>I'm sitting in the back with Kartoffel leaning out aiming her MG42 as a door gunner.
>She managed to get it to fit on the mount and is now indiscriminately shooting down orc villagers.
>She's screaming "Leck mich am Arsch, du feige Ratte!" and other german phrases.
>Kartoffel has the same maddened look in her eye again.
>Thank god she's on my side.
>"AYE LISTEN UP WE'RE GOING TO BE LANDING IN THE LZ IN LESS THAN A MINUTE! IT'S HOT SO IT'S SHOOT AND SCOOT.!"
>"HOW IS THE LZ ALREADY HOT?"
>"Ye didn't think we were going to be the first there now would ye?"
>Peruna drains her flask and throws it out the side window.
>I watch as it falls and hits an orc on the head.
>"Anon? Vhat is hot L Z?"
>"It means there are going to be people shooting at us Kartoffel."
>"CAN WE SHOOT BACK?"
>"uhhh yeah that's the idea."
>She's all giddy now and reloads her MG.

>My stomach turns over as we descend.
>There are already tracer fire going by us.
>I hop out the chopper and the others follow.
>I follow the muzzle flashes from the treeline and send a grenade in.
>Kartoffel is just hip firing her MG42 into the treeline as well.
>Peruna seems like the only one who has any sense really and is running into the jungle.
>I follow and call for Kartoffel to follow.
>"Aye the bunker is a few klicks to the east and so we should watch out for orc activity."
>Peruna raises her rifle and fires at something behind us.
>I turn around and see she's bagged three orcs.
>Holy shit they're dressed like Soviet bloc soldiers.
>Those uniforms can't be very comfortable in this heat.
>But then again Kartoffel hasn't even broken a sweat.
>"Karty you take point with your big bad German gun."
>"Jawohl!"
>Kartoffel runs off ahead of us nonchalantly firing her MG42 into the trees at any sign of activity.
>She's humming Funkerleid again.
>"I think the kraut is going to make us a killing Anon."
>"Is she?"
>"Look at her. She's carrying a radio, god knows how much ammunition, and is using an MG42 like it's a squirt gun. At this point we're just supervising this bloody field trip."
>"I guess."
>What the fuck have I released upon this world.
>Some orcs have set up a DSHK gun on top of a hill and have made a pretty damn effective encampment.
>Not even Kartoffel can poke her head up.
>12.7 isn't something you want to face in large amounts.
>"Anon zis ist not good."
>"YOU'RE TELLING ME?"
>More tracers go overhead and I can feel my life flash before my eyes.
>"Oi Karty does that radio work?"
>"Ja I always keep it working in good order! Like a proper Aaron would."
>"Then come over here ye blonde bugger and let me use it."
>Peruna army crawls over to Kartoffel's side.
>"Roswell Zero Nine? This is uhh… potato squad! Fire mission requested just… north of my position by 30 meters on niner four dash six seven two nine. FIRE FOR EFFECT."
>Potato squad?
>I didn't know the IRA even knew how to call in artillery.
>Soon enough a couple shells decimate the orc machine gun emplacement.

>We eventually come across a fairly obvious entrance to a deep tunnel.
>"This should be it lads!"
>Peruna has the most uncanny sense of direction.
>"I'll take point and yee all stay back."
>Peruna folds the stock of her AR-18 and screams "UP THE RA YE IMPERIALIST TWATS!" into the tunnel.
>So much for stealth.
>There's some muzzle flashes inside and Peruna runs in emptying her gun.
>I climb in and Kartoffel grabs me in a hug.
>"Anon ist this hole achtung?"
>"Yeah it's a little dangerous but you'll be fine."
>Kartoffel grabs even tighter.
>"Why do we schießen das orcs? Are they evil?"
>I get an idea from their uniforms.
>"Well Kartoffel they're communists."
>"KOMMUNISTS?"
>Kartoffel throws me aside before running after Peruna screaming "Verdammter Bolschewikenabschaum!"

>I can't find Peruna and Kartoffel in the tunnels. I can hear them but I can't see them.
>I load up my M79 with a magic cone fire round.
>It won't explode but will cast a cone of magic energy like a shotgun does.
>An orc pops out around the corner and tries taking my head off with an SKS.
>I fire and evaporate his entire upper left body.
>bretty ebin.
>I keep wandering and vaporizing orcs.
>I swear to god I've been going in circles this entire time.
>I don't know how I can tell but I'm definitely getting deeper underground.
> "Verdammter Bolschewikenabschaum!"
>That'd be Kartoffel.
>I can hear the MG42.
>I'm getting closer.
>Everything feels too small to me.
>I have to lean forward to even move through the tunnels.
>They're poorly lit and some areas make you crawl through holes that would be suitable only for moles.
>My entire world has become a world of dirt, darkness, and stale air.
>I crawl past an alcove and don't notice an orc hiding in it.
>It lunges and tackles me.
>I can't get a good shot on him and he grips my back trying to snap my spine.
>I sandwich him between my back and the tunnel in an effort to get him off.
>no luck.
>I stumble around a couple more tunnels with the orc choking me from behind.
>I'm going to die in this shitty dirt tube.
>I don't want to die here.
>I want to see Kartoffel and Peruna.
>I'm fine with being called the Potato Squad.
>Hell I'll wear that name with pride if I make it through.
>I fall into a giant cave with other orcs sitting around fires eating.
>FUCK.
>They get up and hold at gunpoint.
>One of the bigger one is smiling and pulls out an axe.
>Oh no.
>He takes it and holds it over my neck giving a few practice swings.
>His buddy releases his chokehold and goes to high five one of this friends.
>fucking chad orcs.
>"FOUND YE FOOKING PARA CUNTS"
>The chattering of an AR-18 breaks through the tension.
>The orcs are confused, I take the chance and roll out from underneath the axe, one notices and tries to shoot me.
>I keep rolling as MG42 fire passes near inches above me.
>I can see Kartoffel walking and firing towards the crowd behind me
>The MG finishes off most of them.
>It runs dry.
>The axe orc chortles and readies his axe.
>Much to his surprise Kartoffel is now charging and caves his head in with the butt of her MG42.
>"Ich rieche Bolschewikenabschaum!"
>She keeps hitting the orc over and over again.
>I can hear things breaking and it screaming in pain.
>I kind of want to ask her to stop.
>There's blood all over her SS uniform.
>"Anon das Kommunists are such dummkopfs! Das German technology ist mehr superior."
>"S-s-sure Kartoffel."
>She goes back to smashing the orc's head some more.
>It's already dead but she's doing it with a mechanical fascination.
>Peruna has finished on the other side of the cave and has the detonator in her hand.
>"Oi I got the charge set up so… what is she doing?"
>She points to Kartoffel who is now mushing the orcs head.
>Holy shit it's still alive.
>"Karty you can stop now he's pretty much de-"
>"OH PERUNA I HAVE KLASSE IDEA!"
>Kartoffel grabs the orc and puts the Zyklon B grenade between what's left of its teeth.
>She brings it to one of the tunnels and pulls the pin.
>She smiles and walks away as I hear the grenade burst and see an alarming amount of gas filling the tunnel.
>"Ja heute ist ein guter tag."

Any idea to get a Nazi elf to stop gassing orcs? None of us have gas masks so we end up choking on the Zyklon with them.

>"I found something ye wanna take a look at before we go."
>Peruna leads us out into a wider cave.
>There's a gate that I can see daylight through.
>And in the middle of the cave.
>Holy shit.
>That's a Panzer.
>It stands gloriously almost glowing in the darkness.
>Kartoffel is shaking a little bit and is doing some very heavy wehraboo breathing.
>She's taken off her stahlhelm and is holding it to her chest as if pledging her allegiance to the glory of German engineering.
>"A-a-a-anon? CAN WE DRIVE THE TANK BITTE?"
>"We don't even know if it works."
>"BITTE ANON? BITTE?"
>Kartoffel runs up and starts caressing the armor and whispering german phrases to it.
>Peruna isn't even this obsessed with IRA shit.
>Peruna climbs inside the tank to explore a little bit.
>I look around looking for any fuel canisters.
>I find a dead /k/ommando instead.
>He's one with the /K/ube now.
>I find an M1 Garand by his side.
>Beautiful wood on it and looks pristine.
>I load an en bloc in, and eject it.
>When it pings suddenly I get tunnel vision and feels like my sixth sense has turned on.
>AND HOLY SHIT THAT'S A LOT OF ORCS COMING THIS WAY.
>The sensation subsides after a eight seconds.
>Holy shit radar M1 Garand pings.
>"I think we should get going Peruna there are a shit ton of orcs coming."
>"How did you know? We heard them over the radio. I didn't tell ye."
>"Just get the tank working please?"
>"Aye I think it'll work Anon."
>The tank roars to life.
>"Peruna how did you get it to work?"
>"The bloody thing has been upgraded, easy to drive and operate. I think maybe only three blokes will do the job for this one. A gunner, driver, and commander."
>Kartoffel's eyes have widened and are shining with excitement.
>"I CALL SCHROTFLINTE ON KANONIER!"
>She climbs in and I can hear maniacal laughing echoing from inside.
>"I reckon we could storm Parliament with this bloody thing. Unite Ireland too."
>"Peruna we are not taking the Panzer to Ireland."
>"Well what I'm saying is that the provos could use some help wi-"
>"JUST GET IN THE TANK."
>Inside is cramped as you would expect.
>Peruna has set herself up to steer it and Kartoffel is losing her mind with excitement.
>She's staring at the shells as if they were gifts from God.
>To her Wehraboo ass they probably are.
>"ANON WE ARE GOING TO USE KANONE JA?"
>"Sure… ja."
>"Cheer up ye twat we'll be fine."
>"Shouldn't we blow up the bunker first?
>Peruna pushes the detonator.
>No explosion.
>What the fuck
>"You did place the explosives right?"
>"Aye I just fooking did them. Enchanted fertilizer bombs too."
>Peruna hits the detonator a couple times again.
>No luck.
>I notice some gas seeping into the cave.
>It smells like Zyklon.
>Peruna notices too.
>We both stare at Kartoffel who is just blushing and looking away.
>"I replaced ze bombs with gas…"
>Worst case scenario we lose out on pay I guess.
>Peruna hits the gas (the kind for engines) and the tank smashes through the gate.
>Kartoffel has managed to hook "Erika" into the tank's radio.
>On the way out we run over a couple of orcs.
>They get mushed by the treads.
>I see some orcs shooting at us from the nearby clearing.
>"ORCS 2 O CLOCK!"
>Kartoffel fires a shell into the crowd of orcs.
>One goes flying and lands in a tree.
>The orcs are trying to swarm the tank but keep getting destroyed by the cannon.
>They are getting close though.
>Kartoffel switches to the mounted MG on the front and is having the time of her life.
>"Die Wehrmacht schickt deiner Familie freundliche Grüße, Russenbastard!"
>The tank is maneuvering surprisingly well despite being in a jungle.
>The /k/ommando back in the cave probably had a dwarf enchant it.

Running over and blasting orcs inside of a Panzer while "Erika" plays is definitely underrated. Does Zyklon B linger? Who gives a fuck POTATO SQUAD HAS A TANK NOW!

>