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- 0
- 00:00:11,000 --> 00:00:20,000
- INDOXXI
- Support dengan like & share :)
- 1
- 00:00:27,277 --> 00:00:28,944
- Oh, America.
- 2
- 00:00:29,112 --> 00:00:31,947
- I wish I could tell you
- that this was still America...
- 3
- 00:00:32,449 --> 00:00:35,951
- ...but I've come to realize that you
- can't have a country without people.
- 4
- 00:00:37,370 --> 00:00:39,955
- And there are no people here.
- 5
- 00:00:46,796 --> 00:00:49,381
- No! No!
- 6
- 00:00:51,801 --> 00:00:54,470
- Go back... Fuck!
- 7
- 00:00:57,140 --> 00:00:58,140
- No, my friends.
- 8
- 00:00:58,308 --> 00:01:02,352
- This is now
- the United States of Zombieland.
- 9
- 00:01:05,690 --> 00:01:10,819
- It's amazing how quickly things
- can go from bad to total shit storm.
- 10
- 00:01:10,987 --> 00:01:14,364
- And why am I alive when everyone
- around me has turned to meat?
- 11
- 00:01:14,699 --> 00:01:17,367
- It's because of my list of rules.
- 12
- 00:01:17,535 --> 00:01:20,746
- Rule number one
- for surviving Zombieland: Cardio.
- 13
- 00:01:22,707 --> 00:01:23,749
- Fuck!
- 14
- 00:01:23,917 --> 00:01:26,502
- When the virus struck,
- for obvious reasons...
- 15
- 00:01:26,669 --> 00:01:29,004
- ...the first ones to go
- were the fatties.
- 16
- 00:01:33,343 --> 00:01:34,927
- Poor fat bastard.
- 17
- 00:01:37,055 --> 00:01:39,681
- But as the infection spread
- and the chaos grew...
- 18
- 00:01:39,849 --> 00:01:42,351
- ...it wasn't enough
- to just be fast on your feet.
- 19
- 00:01:43,520 --> 00:01:46,355
- You had to get a gun
- and learn how to use it.
- 20
- 00:01:46,523 --> 00:01:49,024
- Which leads me to my second rule:
- The Double Tap.
- 21
- 00:01:51,528 --> 00:01:55,197
- In those moments when you're not sure
- the undead are really "dead" dead...
- 22
- 00:01:55,365 --> 00:01:57,366
- ...don't get all stingy
- with your bullets.
- 23
- 00:01:57,534 --> 00:02:00,369
- I mean, one more clean shot
- to the head...
- 24
- 00:02:02,247 --> 00:02:06,208
- ...and this lady could have avoided
- becoming a human Happy Meal.
- 25
- 00:02:06,376 --> 00:02:09,211
- Woulda, coulda, shoulda.
- 26
- 00:02:09,379 --> 00:02:11,964
- Wasn't long before the zombies
- began to get clever.
- 27
- 00:02:12,132 --> 00:02:15,467
- When you're at your most vulnerable,
- somehow they could just smell it.
- 28
- 00:02:15,635 --> 00:02:18,887
- Can't a guy take a dumper in peace?
- 29
- 00:02:25,061 --> 00:02:27,729
- Don't let them catch you pants down.
- Beware of bathrooms.
- 30
- 00:02:31,776 --> 00:02:34,236
- As zombies
- began to outnumber humans...
- 31
- 00:02:34,404 --> 00:02:37,322
- ...well, that's when you had to cut
- all emotional ties.
- 32
- 00:02:37,490 --> 00:02:41,076
- If the girls in your neighborhood
- are now fucked-up little monsters...
- 33
- 00:02:43,079 --> 00:02:45,956
- ...well, maybe it's time
- to stop driving carpool.
- 34
- 00:02:50,587 --> 00:02:52,963
- You had to focus
- on your own survival...
- 35
- 00:02:53,131 --> 00:02:55,924
- ...which leads to rule number four.
- Pretty basic.
- 36
- 00:03:04,601 --> 00:03:08,437
- Fasten your seat belts.
- It's gonna be a bumpy ride.
- 37
- 00:04:54,252 --> 00:04:58,130
- That guy down there is me.
- I'm in Garland, Texas.
- 38
- 00:04:58,298 --> 00:05:01,967
- And it may look like zombies destroyed
- it, but that's actually just Garland.
- 39
- 00:05:02,135 --> 00:05:05,470
- Two months since patient zero
- took a bite of a contaminated burger...
- 40
- 00:05:05,638 --> 00:05:06,930
- ...at a Gas N' Gulp.
- 41
- 00:05:07,098 --> 00:05:11,393
- Just two months, and I might be the
- last non-cannibal freak in the country.
- 42
- 00:05:11,561 --> 00:05:13,562
- I may seem like
- an unlikely survivor...
- 43
- 00:05:13,730 --> 00:05:16,982
- ...with all my phobias
- and irritable-bowel syndrome...
- 44
- 00:05:17,150 --> 00:05:21,403
- ...but I had the advantage of never
- having any friends or any close family.
- 45
- 00:05:21,571 --> 00:05:24,156
- I survive because I play it safe
- and follow the rules.
- 46
- 00:05:25,658 --> 00:05:26,908
- My rules.
- 47
- 00:05:56,272 --> 00:05:57,939
- Shit.
- 48
- 00:06:10,953 --> 00:06:12,621
- Of course.
- 49
- 00:06:40,233 --> 00:06:42,192
- Motherfucker.
- 50
- 00:07:06,676 --> 00:07:10,846
- On the bright side, I had found
- a place to go number two.
- 51
- 00:07:15,184 --> 00:07:17,686
- Another rule to surviving
- Zombieland: Travel light.
- 52
- 00:07:19,063 --> 00:07:21,022
- And I don't mean just luggage.
- 53
- 00:07:21,190 --> 00:07:23,024
- I've always been kind of a loner.
- 54
- 00:07:23,192 --> 00:07:25,193
- I avoided people
- like they were zombies...
- 55
- 00:07:25,361 --> 00:07:27,070
- ...even before they were zombies.
- 56
- 00:07:27,238 --> 00:07:30,657
- Now that they are all zombies,
- I kind of miss people.
- 57
- 00:07:31,534 --> 00:07:34,244
- So I'm on my way from
- my college dorm in Austin, Texas...
- 58
- 00:07:34,412 --> 00:07:38,373
- ...to Columbus, Ohio, where I'm
- hoping my parents are still alive.
- 59
- 00:07:38,541 --> 00:07:40,542
- Even though we were never
- really close...
- 60
- 00:07:40,710 --> 00:07:43,462
- ...it would be nice to see
- a familiar face, or any face...
- 61
- 00:07:43,671 --> 00:07:47,549
- ...that doesn't have blood dripping from
- its lips and flesh between its teeth.
- 62
- 00:09:16,305 --> 00:09:17,389
- Thank you.
- 63
- 00:09:24,647 --> 00:09:27,482
- - What are you looking for?
- - Nothing. I just have this list.
- 64
- 00:09:28,859 --> 00:09:30,860
- No one back there but my duffel bag.
- 65
- 00:09:34,490 --> 00:09:37,826
- - What's your name?
- - Stop. No names.
- 66
- 00:09:37,994 --> 00:09:40,078
- Keeps us from getting too familiar.
- 67
- 00:09:41,706 --> 00:09:44,416
- You almost knocked over your alcohol
- with your knife.
- 68
- 00:09:45,376 --> 00:09:48,503
- - That's okay, you don't have to...
- - So where you headed?
- 69
- 00:09:50,339 --> 00:09:51,840
- Columbus. You?
- 70
- 00:09:53,509 --> 00:09:55,510
- Tallahassee.
- 71
- 00:09:59,390 --> 00:10:03,018
- No, one for me. One and done,
- I always say. I said that once.
- 72
- 00:10:04,020 --> 00:10:09,024
- You know, Tallahassee and Columbus
- are both east.
- 73
- 00:10:09,191 --> 00:10:10,442
- So?
- 74
- 00:10:11,360 --> 00:10:13,903
- So, Tallahassee,
- you wanna stick together?
- 75
- 00:10:14,071 --> 00:10:18,033
- - Least for a while?
- - Here's the deal, Columbus.
- 76
- 00:10:18,868 --> 00:10:20,535
- I'm not easy to get along with...
- 77
- 00:10:20,703 --> 00:10:23,038
- ...and I'm sensing
- you're a bit of a bitch...
- 78
- 00:10:24,832 --> 00:10:27,751
- ...so I give this relationship
- to about Texarkana.
- 79
- 00:10:27,918 --> 00:10:31,046
- Really? Yeah.
- You'll take me as far as Texarkana.
- 80
- 00:10:31,213 --> 00:10:34,090
- You're a peppy little spit-fuck,
- aren't you?
- 81
- 00:10:34,884 --> 00:10:36,885
- You might wanna buckle up
- for safety.
- 82
- 00:10:37,053 --> 00:10:41,389
- I can tell already
- you are gonna get on my nerves.
- 83
- 00:10:42,391 --> 00:10:44,434
- Even though teaming up
- wasn't my style...
- 84
- 00:10:44,602 --> 00:10:46,770
- ...I figured I'd be safer
- with Tallahassee.
- 85
- 00:10:46,937 --> 00:10:49,439
- You see, he was in
- the ass-kicking business, and...
- 86
- 00:10:49,607 --> 00:10:51,441
- Business is good.
- 87
- 00:10:52,652 --> 00:10:56,863
- It became quickly apparent, however,
- that he did have one weakness.
- 88
- 00:10:57,365 --> 00:10:58,448
- What are we doing here?
- 89
- 00:10:58,616 --> 00:11:00,909
- Well, take a look.
- It's a goddamn Hostess truck.
- 90
- 00:11:01,077 --> 00:11:04,412
- Yeah, I see that, a Hostess truck.
- So what?
- 91
- 00:11:04,580 --> 00:11:05,955
- I could use a Twinkie.
- 92
- 00:11:12,505 --> 00:11:17,092
- - You coming?
- - Yes. Yeah. One second.
- 93
- 00:11:20,930 --> 00:11:23,348
- - Are you fucking with me?
- - No.
- 94
- 00:11:24,767 --> 00:11:26,518
- You should actually limber up
- as well.
- 95
- 00:11:26,686 --> 00:11:28,687
- Especially if we are going down
- that hill.
- 96
- 00:11:28,896 --> 00:11:30,146
- It is very important.
- 97
- 00:11:30,648 --> 00:11:31,940
- I don't believe in it.
- 98
- 00:11:32,108 --> 00:11:35,610
- You ever see a lion limber up
- before it takes down a gazelle?
- 99
- 00:12:00,636 --> 00:12:01,970
- - Sno Balls?
- - Yeah.
- 100
- 00:12:02,805 --> 00:12:04,973
- Sno Balls?
- 101
- 00:12:05,307 --> 00:12:08,309
- Where's the fucking Twinkies?
- 102
- 00:12:08,728 --> 00:12:10,353
- I like Sno Balls.
- 103
- 00:12:10,521 --> 00:12:13,523
- I hate coconut.
- Not the taste, consistency.
- 104
- 00:12:14,150 --> 00:12:15,817
- Fresh.
- 105
- 00:12:18,154 --> 00:12:21,364
- Oh, this Twinkie thing,
- it ain't over yet.
- 106
- 00:12:23,659 --> 00:12:27,245
- Hey, this may be a bad time...
- 107
- 00:12:27,455 --> 00:12:29,748
- ...but I gotta take the Browns
- to the Super Bowl.
- 108
- 00:12:29,957 --> 00:12:31,416
- - Really?
- - Really.
- 109
- 00:12:38,048 --> 00:12:41,050
- I know, again, so soon?
- What can I say?
- 110
- 00:12:41,218 --> 00:12:43,595
- I have a case of chronic anxiety.
- 111
- 00:12:47,475 --> 00:12:52,604
- Truth is, I was always kind of phobic.
- I found lots of things disturbing.
- 112
- 00:12:52,772 --> 00:12:56,274
- Like undertow
- or department store Santas.
- 113
- 00:12:56,484 --> 00:12:57,984
- Being alone with a baby.
- 114
- 00:13:00,029 --> 00:13:03,865
- But the thing I fear more than anything,
- yes, even more than zombies...
- 115
- 00:13:05,409 --> 00:13:07,076
- ...fucking clowns.
- 116
- 00:13:10,039 --> 00:13:12,540
- When you're afraid of everything
- that's out there...
- 117
- 00:13:12,708 --> 00:13:15,043
- ...you quit going out there...
- 118
- 00:13:15,211 --> 00:13:17,712
- ...which is what happened to me
- before Zombieland.
- 119
- 00:13:18,047 --> 00:13:21,758
- Friday night,
- third straight week indoors.
- 120
- 00:13:21,926 --> 00:13:23,760
- "World of Warcraft"...
- 121
- 00:13:23,928 --> 00:13:26,054
- ...leaning tower of pizza boxes...
- 122
- 00:13:26,222 --> 00:13:28,306
- ...Code Red Mountain Dew.
- 123
- 00:13:28,516 --> 00:13:30,600
- Pride, nowhere.
- 124
- 00:13:30,768 --> 00:13:32,477
- Dignity, long gone.
- 125
- 00:13:32,645 --> 00:13:35,230
- Virginity, totally justifiable
- to speculate on.
- 126
- 00:13:35,397 --> 00:13:37,232
- Smooth.
- 127
- 00:13:37,399 --> 00:13:40,068
- My whole life, all I'd ever wanted
- was to find a girl...
- 128
- 00:13:40,236 --> 00:13:43,655
- ...and fall in love, bring her home
- to meet the folks.
- 129
- 00:13:43,823 --> 00:13:46,741
- Then again, since my folks
- are paranoid shut-ins like me...
- 130
- 00:13:46,909 --> 00:13:49,410
- ...maybe this girl could
- bring me home to her folks.
- 131
- 00:13:49,578 --> 00:13:53,998
- And then I'd finally be a member
- of a cool, functional family.
- 132
- 00:13:54,166 --> 00:13:56,084
- 408.
- 133
- 00:13:56,252 --> 00:13:59,254
- Please, is anyone home?
- Please, it's an emergency.
- 134
- 00:13:59,755 --> 00:14:02,423
- I don't usually unlock my door
- to the sounds of panic...
- 135
- 00:14:02,591 --> 00:14:04,509
- ...but my neighbor 406
- is insanely hot.
- 136
- 00:14:04,677 --> 00:14:06,094
- Okay, okay.
- 137
- 00:14:10,558 --> 00:14:13,935
- Thank you, thank you,
- thank you, thank you.
- 138
- 00:14:14,103 --> 00:14:15,770
- Nice to meet you.
- 139
- 00:14:20,442 --> 00:14:22,193
- Here.
- 140
- 00:14:22,945 --> 00:14:24,612
- There you go.
- 141
- 00:14:29,451 --> 00:14:31,703
- - Mountain Dew?
- - Yeah. Code Red.
- 142
- 00:14:31,871 --> 00:14:35,623
- And here's some Golden Grahams.
- The Ziploc bag keeps them crisp.
- 143
- 00:14:36,083 --> 00:14:38,626
- Okay. Keep that there.
- 144
- 00:14:39,169 --> 00:14:41,212
- So tell me what happened.
- 145
- 00:14:42,965 --> 00:14:47,010
- He was homeless and sick.
- 146
- 00:14:47,177 --> 00:14:50,054
- And I was walking home from the bar,
- talking on my phone...
- 147
- 00:14:50,222 --> 00:14:54,309
- ...and then he just came sprinting
- towards me.
- 148
- 00:14:54,476 --> 00:14:57,604
- I mean, not running, sprinting.
- 149
- 00:14:58,355 --> 00:15:01,816
- And I thought, you know, like, maybe
- he was running from someone...
- 150
- 00:15:01,984 --> 00:15:07,238
- ...or after someone, but last time I saw
- he was still out there going crazy.
- 151
- 00:15:07,406 --> 00:15:08,531
- Drugs, maybe?
- 152
- 00:15:10,993 --> 00:15:13,036
- I didn't even tell you the worst part.
- 153
- 00:15:14,330 --> 00:15:15,997
- Yeah?
- 154
- 00:15:16,415 --> 00:15:17,999
- He tried to bite me.
- 155
- 00:15:20,002 --> 00:15:25,673
- - You're right, that's the worst part.
- - I'm sorry. I'm just so scared.
- 156
- 00:15:25,841 --> 00:15:29,844
- No, no, no, you should be scared.
- A homeless man just tried to eat you.
- 157
- 00:15:30,012 --> 00:15:32,430
- That's the right kind of scared.
- That's reasonable.
- 158
- 00:15:32,640 --> 00:15:36,392
- I get scared for things that don't make
- sense, like clowns with red noses...
- 159
- 00:15:36,560 --> 00:15:41,105
- ...or the rags they use to wipe tables
- when you finish eating at a restaurant.
- 160
- 00:15:41,273 --> 00:15:42,941
- Really?
- 161
- 00:15:43,150 --> 00:15:46,861
- Look, the point is
- I am here for you, okay?
- 162
- 00:15:47,029 --> 00:15:50,531
- And as long as you are by my side,
- I am not leaving this apartment.
- 163
- 00:15:50,699 --> 00:15:53,368
- Do you mind if I just close my eyes
- for a minute?
- 164
- 00:15:53,535 --> 00:15:55,203
- No, of course. Of course.
- 165
- 00:15:55,371 --> 00:15:57,956
- - Thank you.
- - Okay.
- 166
- 00:15:59,041 --> 00:16:01,292
- Set aside the feverish,
- homeless cannibal...
- 167
- 00:16:01,460 --> 00:16:03,378
- ...l'm living the dream.
- 168
- 00:16:03,545 --> 00:16:05,630
- I had always, my whole life...
- 169
- 00:16:05,798 --> 00:16:09,425
- ...wanted to brush a girl's hair
- over her ear.
- 170
- 00:16:10,052 --> 00:16:12,387
- - Good night.
- - Good night.
- 171
- 00:16:27,444 --> 00:16:29,278
- Oh, my God.
- 172
- 00:16:29,822 --> 00:16:31,072
- Are you okay?
- 173
- 00:16:36,704 --> 00:16:38,413
- Okay, okay, okay. Stop, stop, stop.
- 174
- 00:16:39,498 --> 00:16:41,082
- What are you doing?
- 175
- 00:16:47,589 --> 00:16:51,092
- Look, stay back, 406, okay?
- I don't wanna hurt you, but...
- 176
- 00:16:51,260 --> 00:16:52,593
- Shit.
- 177
- 00:17:04,356 --> 00:17:07,025
- Oh, my God, I'm so fucking sorry.
- 178
- 00:17:45,564 --> 00:17:47,523
- You see, you just can't trust anyone.
- 179
- 00:17:47,983 --> 00:17:51,402
- The first time I let a girl into my life
- and she tries to eat me.
- 180
- 00:18:05,501 --> 00:18:09,087
- Please. Listen to me.
- 181
- 00:18:09,296 --> 00:18:11,214
- 406.
- 182
- 00:18:11,548 --> 00:18:13,424
- If you're in there...
- 183
- 00:18:14,927 --> 00:18:17,887
- ...you're just sick. Okay?
- 184
- 00:18:33,695 --> 00:18:37,240
- That was my first brush
- with the plague of the 21 st century.
- 185
- 00:18:37,407 --> 00:18:39,033
- Remember mad cow disease?
- 186
- 00:18:39,201 --> 00:18:42,537
- Well, mad cow became mad person
- became mad zombie.
- 187
- 00:18:42,704 --> 00:18:46,749
- It's a fast-acting virus that left you
- with a swollen brain, a raging fever...
- 188
- 00:18:46,917 --> 00:18:48,918
- ...that made you hateful, violent...
- 189
- 00:18:49,086 --> 00:18:51,921
- ...and gave you a really, really bad
- case of the munchies.
- 190
- 00:18:52,089 --> 00:18:54,132
- All right, you steer, I'll push.
- 191
- 00:18:55,384 --> 00:18:59,887
- Okay.
- 192
- 00:19:02,141 --> 00:19:04,892
- I've heard there's a place
- that's untouched by this crap.
- 193
- 00:19:05,060 --> 00:19:07,562
- - Back east, yeah?
- - Yeah. You heard the same thing?
- 194
- 00:19:08,105 --> 00:19:12,275
- Out west, we hear it's back east.
- Back east, they hear it's out west.
- 195
- 00:19:12,442 --> 00:19:15,278
- It's all just nonsense.
- 196
- 00:19:15,445 --> 00:19:17,947
- You know, you're like a penguin
- on the North Pole...
- 197
- 00:19:18,115 --> 00:19:21,284
- ...who hears the South Pole
- is really nice this time of year.
- 198
- 00:19:21,451 --> 00:19:24,162
- There are no penguins
- on the North Pole.
- 199
- 00:19:25,414 --> 00:19:27,915
- You wanna feel how hard
- I can punch?
- 200
- 00:19:30,002 --> 00:19:31,335
- So, what do you think?
- 201
- 00:19:31,503 --> 00:19:34,005
- Wait, the last time I laid some pipe?
- 202
- 00:19:34,173 --> 00:19:37,758
- Last time you went 20 toes,
- put Percy in the playpen?
- 203
- 00:19:37,926 --> 00:19:38,926
- Who's Percy?
- 204
- 00:19:39,094 --> 00:19:41,470
- Wallpapered the closet,
- passed the gravy.
- 205
- 00:19:41,638 --> 00:19:44,807
- - Went heels to Jesus.
- - Oh, made love.
- 206
- 00:19:44,975 --> 00:19:46,767
- Well, just sex.
- 207
- 00:19:50,105 --> 00:19:51,606
- Three weeks ago. Yeah.
- 208
- 00:19:51,773 --> 00:19:53,608
- In the back
- of an abandoned FedEx truck.
- 209
- 00:19:53,942 --> 00:19:58,112
- - Shut up.
- - No, no, I was headed east.
- 210
- 00:19:58,280 --> 00:20:00,448
- She, west.
- 211
- 00:20:00,616 --> 00:20:02,783
- And we took shelter
- in the back of the truck.
- 212
- 00:20:02,951 --> 00:20:05,953
- - It was full of undelivered packages.
- - What was her name?
- 213
- 00:20:06,622 --> 00:20:08,039
- Beverly.
- 214
- 00:20:08,207 --> 00:20:09,373
- Beverly Hills.
- 215
- 00:20:09,541 --> 00:20:10,708
- You dog.
- 216
- 00:20:13,295 --> 00:20:15,296
- So, what about you?
- 217
- 00:20:15,631 --> 00:20:18,466
- Me? I...
- 218
- 00:20:19,176 --> 00:20:21,219
- Aye, aye, aye.
- 219
- 00:20:24,806 --> 00:20:27,475
- Oh, my God. It makes you sick.
- 220
- 00:20:27,643 --> 00:20:30,478
- You know, it makes you sad,
- it makes you...
- 221
- 00:20:30,646 --> 00:20:34,148
- It makes you think if you can go back
- to the way things were right now...
- 222
- 00:20:34,316 --> 00:20:35,566
- ...you know, you'd be...
- 223
- 00:20:35,734 --> 00:20:38,945
- You'd be out in the backyard,
- you know, trying to catch fireflies.
- 224
- 00:20:40,322 --> 00:20:41,530
- And instead this.
- 225
- 00:20:44,826 --> 00:20:47,411
- - I mean, it makes you...
- - Hungry.
- 226
- 00:20:47,579 --> 00:20:49,163
- I'm worried about you.
- 227
- 00:20:49,331 --> 00:20:52,333
- Look, whatever you have
- waiting for you in Columbus...
- 228
- 00:20:52,501 --> 00:20:57,046
- ...I promise you it ain't prettier than
- our friend here enjoying her Manwich.
- 229
- 00:21:04,471 --> 00:21:07,848
- Tallahassee had a sick sense
- of humor when it came to zombies.
- 230
- 00:21:08,016 --> 00:21:11,477
- Zombies aren't the most lovable
- creatures, but he really hated them.
- 231
- 00:21:11,687 --> 00:21:14,730
- The only thing he was more
- obsessed with than killing zombies...
- 232
- 00:21:14,898 --> 00:21:16,190
- ...was finding a Twinkie.
- 233
- 00:21:16,358 --> 00:21:19,694
- Something about a Twinkie reminded
- him of a time not so long ago...
- 234
- 00:21:19,861 --> 00:21:23,447
- ...when things were simple
- and not so fucking psychotic.
- 235
- 00:21:23,615 --> 00:21:26,867
- It was like if he got a taste
- of that comforting childhood treat...
- 236
- 00:21:27,035 --> 00:21:31,205
- ...the world would become innocent,
- and everything would return to normal.
- 237
- 00:21:31,373 --> 00:21:33,124
- What, are you prospecting?
- 238
- 00:21:33,875 --> 00:21:35,042
- Jesus Christ.
- 239
- 00:21:35,752 --> 00:21:37,128
- You are a dangerous man.
- 240
- 00:21:38,797 --> 00:21:41,716
- You're gonna risk our lives
- for a Twinkie?
- 241
- 00:21:41,883 --> 00:21:44,719
- There is a box of Twinkies
- in that grocery store.
- 242
- 00:21:44,886 --> 00:21:46,721
- Not just any box of Twinkies.
- 243
- 00:21:46,888 --> 00:21:51,892
- The last box of Twinkies that anyone
- will enjoy in the whole universe.
- 244
- 00:21:52,060 --> 00:21:54,895
- Believe it or not,
- Twinkies have an expiration date.
- 245
- 00:21:56,064 --> 00:22:02,069
- Someday very soon, life's little
- Twinkie gauge is gonna go empty.
- 246
- 00:22:02,904 --> 00:22:05,906
- Time to nut up or shut up.
- 247
- 00:22:08,076 --> 00:22:10,077
- When Tallahassee
- goes Hulk on a zombie...
- 248
- 00:22:10,245 --> 00:22:13,122
- ...he sets the standard
- for not-to-be-fucked-with.
- 249
- 00:22:13,290 --> 00:22:15,082
- No fear, nothing to lose.
- 250
- 00:22:15,667 --> 00:22:19,253
- What can I say? It's like...
- It's like art.
- 251
- 00:22:37,356 --> 00:22:38,939
- You got a pretty mouth.
- 252
- 00:22:49,701 --> 00:22:50,993
- Don't swing, don't swing.
- 253
- 00:22:51,453 --> 00:22:53,079
- Swing.
- 254
- 00:22:58,085 --> 00:23:00,086
- - Thank you.
- - You owe me.
- 255
- 00:23:01,963 --> 00:23:03,631
- Yeah.
- 256
- 00:23:03,799 --> 00:23:04,965
- You're incredible.
- 257
- 00:23:05,133 --> 00:23:06,509
- - I know.
- - Yeah.
- 258
- 00:23:06,676 --> 00:23:10,137
- Twinkie, Twinkie, Twinkie, Twinkie.
- 259
- 00:23:11,306 --> 00:23:12,807
- Big Hoss.
- 260
- 00:23:19,147 --> 00:23:22,316
- Come here, big fella.
- Just gonna take a little off the top.
- 261
- 00:23:29,658 --> 00:23:32,243
- Wow, these fellas
- really let themselves go.
- 262
- 00:23:32,661 --> 00:23:34,495
- And they're so fat.
- 263
- 00:23:34,663 --> 00:23:36,872
- I think we should probably
- just keep going.
- 264
- 00:23:40,544 --> 00:23:43,170
- All I could think of was,
- what are the odds?
- 265
- 00:23:43,338 --> 00:23:46,924
- Another marriageable woman
- to bring home to the folks.
- 266
- 00:23:47,134 --> 00:23:48,342
- Come quick.
- 267
- 00:23:49,177 --> 00:23:52,680
- Someone's ear is in danger
- of having hair brushed over it.
- 268
- 00:23:55,183 --> 00:23:56,684
- Hey.
- 269
- 00:23:57,144 --> 00:23:59,019
- I'll catch up.
- 270
- 00:24:01,648 --> 00:24:04,900
- Rule number 22:
- When in doubt, know your way out.
- 271
- 00:24:14,453 --> 00:24:17,121
- They're sisters.
- The little one's been bitten.
- 272
- 00:24:17,289 --> 00:24:19,540
- Act normal. Try not to freak her out.
- 273
- 00:24:19,708 --> 00:24:21,459
- Yeah.
- 274
- 00:24:22,961 --> 00:24:25,463
- Columbus, Wichita, Little Rock.
- 275
- 00:24:27,716 --> 00:24:30,217
- So you did all this for a Twinkie?
- 276
- 00:24:30,719 --> 00:24:35,473
- No, no, no, he did. I'm just kind of
- like a Sancho Panza character.
- 277
- 00:24:37,726 --> 00:24:39,768
- Look, I don't think she has long.
- 278
- 00:24:39,936 --> 00:24:44,106
- Yeah, I know. I know, and she knows.
- We're just looking for a way out.
- 279
- 00:24:45,400 --> 00:24:47,943
- No, no, no, no. She's just a little girl.
- 280
- 00:24:48,195 --> 00:24:50,070
- Don't talk about me like I'm not here.
- 281
- 00:24:50,822 --> 00:24:53,115
- Right, sorry.
- 282
- 00:24:53,283 --> 00:24:57,912
- Look, I know that you're really sick.
- 283
- 00:24:58,330 --> 00:25:00,456
- But your sister wants me to...
- 284
- 00:25:00,624 --> 00:25:03,209
- It's not her decision, okay? It's mine.
- 285
- 00:25:03,919 --> 00:25:05,252
- I made her promise.
- 286
- 00:25:07,088 --> 00:25:09,924
- We already said goodbye,
- but we didn't have a gun.
- 287
- 00:25:10,300 --> 00:25:13,719
- - We don't know that there's no cure.
- - You're just gutless!
- 288
- 00:25:14,930 --> 00:25:16,096
- Give him the gun.
- 289
- 00:25:32,989 --> 00:25:35,783
- Wait, wait, wait.
- 290
- 00:25:38,620 --> 00:25:39,662
- I'll do it.
- 291
- 00:25:57,305 --> 00:26:00,266
- - I love you.
- - I love you too.
- 292
- 00:26:10,485 --> 00:26:11,652
- You need some help?
- 293
- 00:26:12,362 --> 00:26:14,530
- Now that you mention it...
- 294
- 00:26:14,698 --> 00:26:17,324
- ...we'll take your weapons,
- car keys, your ammunition.
- 295
- 00:26:17,492 --> 00:26:20,786
- - And if you've got it, sugarless gum.
- - What the fuck?
- 296
- 00:26:22,163 --> 00:26:24,582
- Wait, why are you guys doing this?
- 297
- 00:26:24,791 --> 00:26:26,917
- Better you make the mistake
- of trusting us...
- 298
- 00:26:27,085 --> 00:26:29,169
- ...than us make the mistake
- of trusting you.
- 299
- 00:26:32,007 --> 00:26:35,759
- The first hot girl in 1000 miles shows
- up, makes me feel like an idiot...
- 300
- 00:26:35,927 --> 00:26:40,014
- ...steals my double-barrel and then
- says I'm the one that can't be trusted.
- 301
- 00:26:44,352 --> 00:26:45,686
- Nice going, genius.
- 302
- 00:26:45,854 --> 00:26:47,855
- You're the one that gave her the gun.
- 303
- 00:26:48,023 --> 00:26:50,608
- Those guys were dumb.
- 304
- 00:26:52,694 --> 00:26:54,570
- Avoid the vanity mirror.
- 305
- 00:26:54,738 --> 00:26:57,031
- Relax, okay?
- I just passed for a zombie.
- 306
- 00:26:59,117 --> 00:27:02,953
- - What I'd give for a shower...
- - Do not say S-H-O-W-E-R, okay?
- 307
- 00:27:03,872 --> 00:27:06,040
- Let's just get where we're going.
- 308
- 00:27:06,207 --> 00:27:09,043
- - So do you think it's true?
- - Is what true?
- 309
- 00:27:09,210 --> 00:27:11,211
- You know, about Pacific Playland?
- 310
- 00:27:11,379 --> 00:27:15,382
- Totally zombie-free.
- Only place west of Waco.
- 311
- 00:27:16,968 --> 00:27:18,886
- Trust me.
- 312
- 00:27:21,222 --> 00:27:23,641
- He's on one of these serious
- Tour de France bikes...
- 313
- 00:27:23,850 --> 00:27:25,976
- You know, with, like,
- the toeholds, right?
- 314
- 00:27:26,144 --> 00:27:31,148
- - and he's pedaling, and the zombie's
- head is, like, caught in the gear.
- 315
- 00:27:31,358 --> 00:27:35,069
- You know, with the hair in the chain
- just, like, going around.
- 316
- 00:27:35,236 --> 00:27:37,071
- Very cool.
- 317
- 00:27:37,238 --> 00:27:42,159
- But zombie kill of the week?
- No, sir.
- 318
- 00:27:42,369 --> 00:27:46,246
- I saw this construction worker.
- I shit you not...
- 319
- 00:27:46,414 --> 00:27:49,833
- ...he is on a steamroller, and a zombie
- goes down in front of him.
- 320
- 00:27:50,001 --> 00:27:52,586
- You ever roll a tube of toothpaste up
- from the bottom?
- 321
- 00:27:52,754 --> 00:27:57,174
- - I always roll it up from the bottom.
- - Well, the zombie's head is the cap.
- 322
- 00:27:57,384 --> 00:28:00,678
- Are you one of these guys that tries
- to one-up everybody else's story?
- 323
- 00:28:00,887 --> 00:28:05,015
- No. I knew a guy way worse
- at that than me.
- 324
- 00:28:05,183 --> 00:28:07,267
- All right, let's just try to find a car.
- 325
- 00:28:07,435 --> 00:28:08,477
- Which reminds me...
- 326
- 00:28:08,645 --> 00:28:11,647
- ...I never had headaches like this
- till your ass came onboard.
- 327
- 00:28:11,815 --> 00:28:16,360
- I mean, do what you want with a man,
- but do not fuck with his Cadillac.
- 328
- 00:28:16,528 --> 00:28:17,778
- Hey, there's a nice minivan.
- 329
- 00:28:17,946 --> 00:28:20,531
- Oh, you know something?
- That is nice.
- 330
- 00:28:20,699 --> 00:28:22,032
- That's a beautiful van.
- 331
- 00:28:24,285 --> 00:28:27,329
- Tallahassee believes you have to
- blow off steam in Zombieland...
- 332
- 00:28:27,497 --> 00:28:30,124
- ...or else you lose what's left
- of your mind.
- 333
- 00:28:30,291 --> 00:28:33,627
- If it makes him happy and keeps him
- from using that crowbar on me...
- 334
- 00:28:33,795 --> 00:28:36,338
- ...then I say, "Hey, go ape shit."
- 335
- 00:28:36,506 --> 00:28:38,549
- I want my Caddy back!
- 336
- 00:28:39,426 --> 00:28:42,511
- Stupid little bitches!
- 337
- 00:28:48,476 --> 00:28:52,062
- Oh, I think I pulled something.
- 338
- 00:28:53,148 --> 00:28:56,483
- Think the two of us are smart enough
- to come up with a con like that?
- 339
- 00:29:00,655 --> 00:29:02,823
- You hesitated.
- 340
- 00:29:04,492 --> 00:29:08,996
- Is it better to be smart or lucky?
- 341
- 00:29:09,372 --> 00:29:12,458
- Look at what we got here.
- 342
- 00:29:34,689 --> 00:29:35,898
- Come on.
- 343
- 00:29:40,487 --> 00:29:42,988
- - That's nice.
- - Smell the finger?
- 344
- 00:29:47,535 --> 00:29:48,786
- Yes.
- 345
- 00:29:53,041 --> 00:29:56,210
- Thank God for rednecks.
- 346
- 00:29:56,377 --> 00:29:58,879
- This is a really big truck...
- 347
- 00:29:59,047 --> 00:30:03,801
- ...and these are really big guns.
- 348
- 00:30:04,010 --> 00:30:05,636
- Take your time.
- 349
- 00:30:29,077 --> 00:30:31,161
- You know, they say,
- "He who seeks revenge...
- 350
- 00:30:31,329 --> 00:30:33,163
- ...should remember
- to dig two graves."
- 351
- 00:30:33,331 --> 00:30:37,543
- Right. Two graves. One for
- the big chick, one for the little chick.
- 352
- 00:30:37,836 --> 00:30:39,127
- You are scary happy.
- 353
- 00:30:42,298 --> 00:30:45,509
- Come on, why don't we just forget
- about those girls and head home?
- 354
- 00:30:45,677 --> 00:30:47,928
- Oh, you want to talk about home?
- 355
- 00:30:48,805 --> 00:30:53,433
- For me, home was a puppy
- named Buck.
- 356
- 00:30:54,102 --> 00:30:55,936
- Cutest dog ever.
- 357
- 00:31:03,319 --> 00:31:05,654
- All those fucking zombies.
- 358
- 00:31:06,698 --> 00:31:07,781
- I lost him.
- 359
- 00:31:08,575 --> 00:31:14,079
- And there ain't no getting him back,
- so I'm looking for a new home.
- 360
- 00:31:14,956 --> 00:31:19,167
- Tomorrow, I may be skinny-dipping
- in the Yellowstone River...
- 361
- 00:31:19,377 --> 00:31:22,880
- ...or swinging from the chandeliers
- in the Playboy Mansion...
- 362
- 00:31:23,089 --> 00:31:27,467
- ...but today,
- a Vortec six-fucking-liter V8...
- 363
- 00:31:27,635 --> 00:31:31,388
- ...a box full of hollow points,
- and, Lord willing, a GD Twinkie.
- 364
- 00:31:33,308 --> 00:31:36,226
- Gotta enjoy the little things.
- 365
- 00:31:37,729 --> 00:31:40,731
- I hate to give credit to anyone
- who looks like Yosemite Sam...
- 366
- 00:31:40,899 --> 00:31:42,316
- ...but I'm writing it down.
- 367
- 00:31:42,483 --> 00:31:44,985
- Rule number 32:
- Enjoy the little things.
- 368
- 00:31:53,202 --> 00:31:55,370
- Knowing them, it's a trap.
- 369
- 00:31:55,538 --> 00:31:58,916
- Wait here. Drive down if I signal.
- 370
- 00:31:59,125 --> 00:32:01,209
- You're not gonna shoot them,
- are you?
- 371
- 00:32:01,377 --> 00:32:04,129
- Not unless they shoot at me.
- 372
- 00:32:04,422 --> 00:32:07,382
- Oh, let's hope they shoot at me.
- 373
- 00:32:57,725 --> 00:33:00,143
- Looks like they hoofed it.
- 374
- 00:33:00,311 --> 00:33:02,646
- Probably headed west.
- 375
- 00:33:02,814 --> 00:33:04,815
- Just drive slow,
- keep your eyes peeled.
- 376
- 00:33:04,983 --> 00:33:06,733
- Sure.
- 377
- 00:33:10,488 --> 00:33:13,615
- - They're in the back, aren't they?
- - Just me.
- 378
- 00:33:14,450 --> 00:33:17,202
- I'm really sorry.
- She was like a crouching tiger.
- 379
- 00:33:17,620 --> 00:33:20,706
- You got taken hostage
- by a 12-year-old?
- 380
- 00:33:20,915 --> 00:33:24,418
- Girls mature faster than boys. She's
- way ahead of where I was at that age.
- 381
- 00:33:24,585 --> 00:33:27,754
- Twelve's the new 20. Gun, please.
- 382
- 00:33:27,922 --> 00:33:30,132
- Like you would ever use that thing.
- 383
- 00:33:30,299 --> 00:33:33,260
- Don't kill me with my own gun!
- 384
- 00:33:33,428 --> 00:33:35,137
- All those violent video games.
- 385
- 00:33:35,304 --> 00:33:37,097
- - Yeah.
- - Thank you.
- 386
- 00:33:37,265 --> 00:33:39,016
- - Now honk your horn.
- - What?
- 387
- 00:33:39,225 --> 00:33:40,809
- Honk it.
- 388
- 00:33:45,606 --> 00:33:48,150
- It's your sister, with my gun. Hello.
- 389
- 00:33:52,488 --> 00:33:53,864
- Bummer.
- 390
- 00:33:55,324 --> 00:33:57,284
- Now step away from the vehicle.
- 391
- 00:33:59,787 --> 00:34:02,164
- You get to ride shotgun.
- 392
- 00:34:09,338 --> 00:34:11,214
- I kind of like this girl.
- 393
- 00:34:11,382 --> 00:34:14,634
- She's not your typical hot,
- stuck-up bitch.
- 394
- 00:34:15,136 --> 00:34:19,765
- Even before Zombieland, Wichita was
- running the table on guys like us.
- 395
- 00:34:34,155 --> 00:34:37,657
- - What are you looking for?
- - My engagement ring.
- 396
- 00:34:38,576 --> 00:34:42,412
- I took it off to pump my gas,
- and I thought that I put it in my purse...
- 397
- 00:34:42,580 --> 00:34:45,749
- ...but it must've fallen out,
- and I'm late for my flight and...
- 398
- 00:34:45,917 --> 00:34:50,003
- Well, listen, I'll find your ring,
- and I'll FedEx it to you.
- 399
- 00:34:50,505 --> 00:34:52,005
- I'll give you a reward.
- 400
- 00:34:52,173 --> 00:34:53,381
- Don't be silly.
- 401
- 00:34:53,549 --> 00:34:57,511
- Three thousand dollars.
- It's worth more than my car.
- 402
- 00:34:58,513 --> 00:35:00,055
- Just give me your number.
- 403
- 00:35:01,390 --> 00:35:03,183
- Yeah. I'll find it.
- 404
- 00:35:03,684 --> 00:35:05,727
- Yeah, I'll start looking for it
- right now.
- 405
- 00:35:05,895 --> 00:35:08,188
- Because I got nothing else to do.
- 406
- 00:35:08,356 --> 00:35:10,273
- I was engaged once...
- 407
- 00:35:10,441 --> 00:35:12,692
- ...but I'm single now.
- 408
- 00:35:15,071 --> 00:35:16,530
- Bye-bye.
- 409
- 00:35:19,367 --> 00:35:21,701
- Hope you make your flight.
- 410
- 00:35:27,333 --> 00:35:29,292
- No, but I know it's
- around here somewhere.
- 411
- 00:35:29,460 --> 00:35:31,878
- She's on a plane,
- that's the beauty of it.
- 412
- 00:35:35,550 --> 00:35:37,050
- Let me call you back.
- 413
- 00:35:37,218 --> 00:35:39,761
- Hey, you found my ring.
- 414
- 00:35:40,555 --> 00:35:43,056
- Thanks. I've been looking all over
- for it.
- 415
- 00:35:43,224 --> 00:35:45,475
- - Your ring?
- - Well, it's my friend's, you know.
- 416
- 00:35:45,643 --> 00:35:48,353
- - I'm gonna send it to her.
- - Do I get a reward?
- 417
- 00:35:48,896 --> 00:35:53,441
- Forty, 60, 80, 400.
- 418
- 00:35:53,609 --> 00:35:56,570
- That's it. That's the whole register.
- 419
- 00:35:58,990 --> 00:36:00,448
- You made someone very happy.
- 420
- 00:36:02,076 --> 00:36:03,118
- You too.
- 421
- 00:36:10,418 --> 00:36:12,419
- Nice.
- 422
- 00:36:12,753 --> 00:36:14,504
- How many left?
- 423
- 00:36:15,590 --> 00:36:17,465
- Let me see.
- 424
- 00:36:19,802 --> 00:36:21,761
- Enough for us to get to California.
- 425
- 00:36:22,763 --> 00:36:24,639
- Someday, I want a ring this big.
- 426
- 00:36:24,807 --> 00:36:26,933
- For the low price of 30 bucks, sold.
- 427
- 00:36:29,312 --> 00:36:32,314
- It's amazing how far you can get
- with some costume jewelry...
- 428
- 00:36:32,481 --> 00:36:33,940
- ...and a cutthroat attitude.
- 429
- 00:36:34,108 --> 00:36:37,986
- I guess we're just lucky they didn't
- leave us by the side of the road.
- 430
- 00:36:39,822 --> 00:36:41,781
- Thank you, Wichita.
- Thanks, Little Rock.
- 431
- 00:36:47,163 --> 00:36:50,457
- For fuck's sake, enough! We're being
- chased by ravenous freaks!
- 432
- 00:36:50,625 --> 00:36:52,626
- We don't have enough problems?
- 433
- 00:36:52,793 --> 00:36:55,128
- "They stole my Hummer.
- We have trust issues."
- 434
- 00:36:55,296 --> 00:36:57,380
- We can't just fucking drive
- down the road...
- 435
- 00:36:57,548 --> 00:37:01,176
- ...playing I Spy or some shit for hours
- like four normal-ass Americans?
- 436
- 00:37:01,636 --> 00:37:02,969
- Fuck me!
- 437
- 00:37:04,013 --> 00:37:05,138
- I know.
- 438
- 00:37:07,183 --> 00:37:08,725
- Let me be the mature one.
- 439
- 00:37:10,311 --> 00:37:11,645
- Good.
- 440
- 00:37:22,990 --> 00:37:25,742
- So where are you guys headed?
- 441
- 00:37:25,952 --> 00:37:28,161
- Pacific Playland.
- 442
- 00:37:28,329 --> 00:37:29,579
- The amusement park?
- 443
- 00:37:29,747 --> 00:37:33,083
- - Wait, outside L.A.?
- - Yeah. We went there as kids.
- 444
- 00:37:33,251 --> 00:37:35,168
- That place totally blows.
- 445
- 00:37:37,338 --> 00:37:39,923
- My mind. It's so fun.
- 446
- 00:37:40,091 --> 00:37:42,842
- Just good entertainment
- for the whole family.
- 447
- 00:37:43,010 --> 00:37:47,180
- Yeah, I went there as a kid too. In fact,
- this probably counts as off-season.
- 448
- 00:37:47,348 --> 00:37:49,849
- Well, did you guys hear?
- There are no zombies there.
- 449
- 00:37:50,017 --> 00:37:51,393
- Yeah, we heard.
- 450
- 00:37:51,560 --> 00:37:56,523
- You know, I may not shoot you, but
- you have still royally pissed me off...
- 451
- 00:37:56,691 --> 00:38:00,360
- ...and I'm not going to play with you
- at Pacific Playland.
- 452
- 00:38:02,196 --> 00:38:04,864
- - Don't worry, he grows on you.
- - Really?
- 453
- 00:38:05,032 --> 00:38:06,574
- No. It gets worse.
- 454
- 00:38:06,742 --> 00:38:09,202
- Okay. How about
- we play the quiet game?
- 455
- 00:38:09,370 --> 00:38:10,870
- Yeah? Starting now.
- 456
- 00:38:13,541 --> 00:38:15,542
- Oh, I've actually
- been meaning to ask you:
- 457
- 00:38:15,710 --> 00:38:17,961
- Did you hear anything
- about Columbus, Ohio?
- 458
- 00:38:18,129 --> 00:38:20,422
- - You never played the quiet game?
- - Sorry.
- 459
- 00:38:20,589 --> 00:38:22,757
- No? Well, they're playing it
- in Columbus.
- 460
- 00:38:22,925 --> 00:38:26,052
- It's a total ghost town.
- It's burned to the ground.
- 461
- 00:38:34,812 --> 00:38:35,937
- You're Columbus.
- 462
- 00:38:37,315 --> 00:38:38,898
- I'm sorry.
- 463
- 00:38:39,066 --> 00:38:41,651
- I didn't realize it was...
- 464
- 00:38:42,403 --> 00:38:45,739
- I'm not sure what's more tragic:
- that my family is gone...
- 465
- 00:38:45,906 --> 00:38:49,784
- ...or the realization that I never really
- had much of a family to begin with.
- 466
- 00:38:49,952 --> 00:38:53,955
- Either way, I can't pretend that what
- I'm looking for I'll find by going home.
- 467
- 00:38:54,123 --> 00:38:56,249
- I have no home.
- 468
- 00:38:58,461 --> 00:39:02,047
- We can get you a ride.
- 469
- 00:39:03,341 --> 00:39:06,509
- You know,
- you can go see for yourself...
- 470
- 00:39:06,677 --> 00:39:09,095
- ...or settle somewhere new.
- 471
- 00:39:09,764 --> 00:39:11,139
- Okay.
- 472
- 00:39:12,266 --> 00:39:14,768
- I could tell she knew
- what I was feeling.
- 473
- 00:39:15,269 --> 00:39:18,271
- We were all orphans in Zombieland.
- 474
- 00:39:31,327 --> 00:39:34,788
- I know this Pacific Playland thing
- is nuts...
- 475
- 00:39:36,832 --> 00:39:40,335
- ...but it's just been so long
- since she got to be a kid.
- 476
- 00:39:40,669 --> 00:39:43,338
- Yeah, it's tough growing up
- in Zombieland.
- 477
- 00:39:43,506 --> 00:39:45,882
- It's tough growing up.
- 478
- 00:39:51,347 --> 00:39:52,680
- There.
- 479
- 00:39:52,848 --> 00:39:54,682
- You could take that truck.
- 480
- 00:39:59,480 --> 00:40:04,025
- Well, I hope you find
- whoever it is you're looking for.
- 481
- 00:40:06,028 --> 00:40:09,406
- And don't let go, once you do.
- 482
- 00:40:22,336 --> 00:40:25,338
- It wasn't just because
- I had nowhere else to go.
- 483
- 00:40:25,506 --> 00:40:29,217
- It was because, in that moment,
- it became clear.
- 484
- 00:40:29,385 --> 00:40:33,847
- Wherever this girl was,
- that's where I wanted to be.
- 485
- 00:40:52,408 --> 00:40:57,203
- Man, we're gonna have to pull
- over soon. I'm feeling cooped up.
- 486
- 00:40:58,539 --> 00:41:00,540
- "Wantum your wampum."
- Yeah. That'll work.
- 487
- 00:41:00,708 --> 00:41:05,378
- - Okay, but what the hell are we doing?
- - Just humor him. Trust me.
- 488
- 00:41:16,807 --> 00:41:18,308
- Hold up.
- 489
- 00:41:19,685 --> 00:41:21,561
- Who wants to go first?
- 490
- 00:41:21,729 --> 00:41:25,106
- I really,
- really wanna impress Wichita...
- 491
- 00:41:25,274 --> 00:41:27,442
- ...but it would be in violation
- of rule 17...
- 492
- 00:41:27,610 --> 00:41:30,320
- ...maybe the most important rule
- of all: Don't be a hero.
- 493
- 00:41:31,739 --> 00:41:35,450
- - Why don't you take this one?
- - Don't mind if I do.
- 494
- 00:41:49,840 --> 00:41:52,175
- What do you think?
- Zombie kill of the week?
- 495
- 00:41:53,594 --> 00:41:55,595
- Close, but no cigar.
- Kill of the week...
- 496
- 00:41:55,763 --> 00:41:58,264
- ...goes to
- Sister Cynthia Knickerbocker.
- 497
- 00:42:03,354 --> 00:42:04,771
- Poor flat bastard.
- 498
- 00:42:27,169 --> 00:42:29,128
- - Perfume?
- - What?
- 499
- 00:42:29,296 --> 00:42:31,381
- Is that perfume?
- 500
- 00:42:32,466 --> 00:42:33,800
- It's cologne.
- 501
- 00:42:33,968 --> 00:42:36,135
- I'm thinking...
- 502
- 00:42:36,303 --> 00:42:37,512
- ...Lancôme Magnifique.
- 503
- 00:42:37,680 --> 00:42:39,472
- Why don't you speak up a little?
- 504
- 00:42:39,640 --> 00:42:42,141
- I think they might have
- missed it in Santa Fe.
- 505
- 00:42:44,687 --> 00:42:47,814
- - Oh, my God.
- - All right. Okay.
- 506
- 00:42:48,649 --> 00:42:51,359
- You're thinking about
- fucking Wichita.
- 507
- 00:42:52,486 --> 00:42:56,072
- Wish granted. She spent
- the last 24 hours fucking us both.
- 508
- 00:42:57,074 --> 00:42:58,700
- Hey.
- 509
- 00:43:00,160 --> 00:43:01,911
- Good luck now, Petunia.
- 510
- 00:43:08,877 --> 00:43:10,503
- Okay.
- 511
- 00:43:10,671 --> 00:43:14,424
- Let me begin by saying you're a
- wonderful human with great potential.
- 512
- 00:43:14,592 --> 00:43:20,013
- It's okay, but FYI, I beat wholesale
- ass for a lot less than that.
- 513
- 00:43:20,889 --> 00:43:25,518
- - I'm sure.
- - You get 45 percent power.
- 514
- 00:43:25,686 --> 00:43:27,020
- Thank you.
- 515
- 00:43:28,522 --> 00:43:31,399
- Yeah. Come on, break another one.
- 516
- 00:43:35,696 --> 00:43:37,322
- Nice.
- 517
- 00:43:40,117 --> 00:43:41,367
- Doesn't that feel good?
- 518
- 00:44:31,085 --> 00:44:34,128
- Tallahassee's right.
- You gotta enjoy the little things...
- 519
- 00:44:35,506 --> 00:44:38,591
- ...even if that means destroying
- a whole lot of little things.
- 520
- 00:44:41,762 --> 00:44:44,097
- Smells like perfume.
- 521
- 00:44:46,475 --> 00:44:49,936
- - You don't know who Willie Nelson is?
- - No.
- 522
- 00:44:50,938 --> 00:44:52,355
- Willie Nelson?
- 523
- 00:44:52,523 --> 00:44:54,440
- Yeah, no, I don't.
- 524
- 00:44:54,817 --> 00:44:59,153
- I shave every morning, but sometimes
- by, like, 4:30, I'll have a thing.
- 525
- 00:44:59,321 --> 00:45:02,323
- It's called 5:00 shadow,
- but sometimes I'll get it prematurely.
- 526
- 00:45:02,491 --> 00:45:06,452
- Since it's a freeway, you can get it up
- to, like, 65, but don't go more than 75.
- 527
- 00:45:06,620 --> 00:45:10,373
- - You don't wanna go more than 20.
- - Don't worry about a blind spot.
- 528
- 00:45:10,541 --> 00:45:12,542
- Blind spots are for other drivers.
- 529
- 00:45:12,710 --> 00:45:15,378
- It's like the first time
- that I've ever driven.
- 530
- 00:45:15,546 --> 00:45:19,716
- So do you never strap in
- or it's just on long road trips?
- 531
- 00:45:19,925 --> 00:45:24,470
- It's just there's zombies everywhere.
- I think the least of my worries...
- 532
- 00:45:24,638 --> 00:45:26,681
- - Yeah, that's true.
- ...is seat belts.
- 533
- 00:45:26,849 --> 00:45:28,015
- Yes, but, no, she's not.
- 534
- 00:45:28,183 --> 00:45:31,644
- She's only famous when she's Hannah
- Montana, when she's wearing the wig.
- 535
- 00:45:31,812 --> 00:45:34,188
- - Right. Only wig.
- - So...
- 536
- 00:45:38,152 --> 00:45:40,236
- It's kind of freeing.
- 537
- 00:45:40,446 --> 00:45:42,321
- Yeah.
- 538
- 00:45:44,032 --> 00:45:48,244
- For the first time in a long time,
- we were having fun.
- 539
- 00:45:48,454 --> 00:45:50,830
- So even though it ran counter
- to our strategies...
- 540
- 00:45:50,998 --> 00:45:53,833
- ...we decided to stay together
- as far as Pacific Playland.
- 541
- 00:46:22,863 --> 00:46:26,199
- I think sleep deprivation is the
- number one health problem in America.
- 542
- 00:46:26,366 --> 00:46:28,618
- Well, now I think it might be
- number two.
- 543
- 00:46:29,244 --> 00:46:32,288
- - Number two.
- - That's adorable.
- 544
- 00:46:32,498 --> 00:46:35,708
- - I think we should find a place to crash.
- - Oh, I got an idea.
- 545
- 00:46:35,876 --> 00:46:39,545
- We're in Hollywood,
- let's sleep in style.
- 546
- 00:46:44,510 --> 00:46:46,260
- Grab a map.
- 547
- 00:46:52,267 --> 00:46:53,810
- Come on.
- 548
- 00:46:54,019 --> 00:46:55,812
- Hurry! Hurry!
- 549
- 00:46:56,021 --> 00:46:58,064
- Good job.
- 550
- 00:47:03,654 --> 00:47:06,823
- Looks like anyone who's ever been
- in a movie lives on this block.
- 551
- 00:47:07,032 --> 00:47:10,451
- What exactly you think we're doing
- in the 90210, Sally?
- 552
- 00:47:10,911 --> 00:47:13,120
- I pictured Tom Cruise
- living somewhere nicer.
- 553
- 00:47:13,288 --> 00:47:17,333
- B-lister compared
- to who I got in mind, folks.
- 554
- 00:47:17,543 --> 00:47:20,586
- We're going to the tippy-top
- of the A-list.
- 555
- 00:47:20,754 --> 00:47:22,588
- - Who?
- - You'll see.
- 556
- 00:47:29,263 --> 00:47:30,596
- Hey. There's a big BM.
- 557
- 00:47:31,974 --> 00:47:33,808
- And it ain't Bob Marley.
- 558
- 00:47:40,607 --> 00:47:43,067
- This place is incredible.
- 559
- 00:47:53,203 --> 00:47:59,375
- Ladies and gentlemen,
- welcome to la mançion de Murray.
- 560
- 00:47:59,585 --> 00:48:02,295
- - Bill Murray.
- - God, no way.
- 561
- 00:48:02,462 --> 00:48:05,965
- This guy has a direct line
- to my funny bone.
- 562
- 00:48:06,133 --> 00:48:08,009
- - Everything...
- - Wait. Who's Bill Murray?
- 563
- 00:48:08,176 --> 00:48:09,886
- Hey, I've never hit a kid before.
- 564
- 00:48:11,471 --> 00:48:13,973
- All right? I mean,
- that's like asking who Gandhi is.
- 565
- 00:48:14,683 --> 00:48:16,392
- Who's Gandhi?
- 566
- 00:48:16,602 --> 00:48:18,811
- She's 12.
- 567
- 00:48:21,899 --> 00:48:23,900
- - No Twinkies.
- - Shit, fuck!
- 568
- 00:48:24,109 --> 00:48:26,569
- See? I told you we should've gone
- to Russell Crowe's.
- 569
- 00:48:26,737 --> 00:48:29,363
- - No one listens to me.
- - Hello, inside voices. Okay?
- 570
- 00:48:29,531 --> 00:48:31,198
- At least until we know we're alone.
- 571
- 00:48:31,366 --> 00:48:34,327
- Tallahassee, Wichita, take that way.
- Little Rock, come here.
- 572
- 00:48:34,494 --> 00:48:36,871
- Why do I get stuck with her?
- 573
- 00:48:40,167 --> 00:48:42,668
- It doesn't seem to end.
- 574
- 00:48:48,008 --> 00:48:49,759
- Hey, come here.
- 575
- 00:48:51,219 --> 00:48:53,930
- He has his own movie theater?
- 576
- 00:48:57,559 --> 00:49:00,186
- Okay, I'm gonna teach you
- something about Bill Murray.
- 577
- 00:49:02,064 --> 00:49:04,732
- A king slept right here.
- 578
- 00:49:05,859 --> 00:49:08,069
- Dibs on the bed.
- 579
- 00:49:10,572 --> 00:49:13,282
- Too soft for me, anyway.
- 580
- 00:49:20,082 --> 00:49:23,250
- Oh, this is so exciting. You're about
- to learn who you gonna call.
- 581
- 00:49:23,418 --> 00:49:25,711
- It's Ghostbusters.
- 582
- 00:49:43,814 --> 00:49:45,815
- This is pretty catchy.
- 583
- 00:49:46,566 --> 00:49:48,234
- Come on.
- 584
- 00:49:48,402 --> 00:49:50,736
- Help me with the boots. Come on.
- 585
- 00:49:50,904 --> 00:49:52,405
- Help me with the boots.
- 586
- 00:49:52,572 --> 00:49:56,409
- Okay. I'll get them myself.
- 587
- 00:50:16,221 --> 00:50:18,014
- Shit.
- 588
- 00:50:23,437 --> 00:50:24,979
- Bill Murray, you're a zombie?
- 589
- 00:50:31,111 --> 00:50:33,446
- I'm on fire!
- 590
- 00:50:33,780 --> 00:50:35,865
- You're not a zombie,
- you're talking, and...
- 591
- 00:50:36,033 --> 00:50:38,868
- - You're okay?
- - The hell I am!
- 592
- 00:50:39,036 --> 00:50:42,705
- I'm sorry. I didn't know
- that it was "you" you.
- 593
- 00:50:42,873 --> 00:50:44,874
- Are you...? What's with the get-up?
- 594
- 00:50:45,042 --> 00:50:47,793
- Oh, I do it to blend in. You know.
- 595
- 00:50:47,961 --> 00:50:50,004
- Zombies don't mess
- with other zombies.
- 596
- 00:50:50,172 --> 00:50:52,298
- Buddy of mine
- showed me how to do this.
- 597
- 00:50:52,466 --> 00:50:55,801
- Cornstarch. You know, some berries,
- a little licorice for the ladies.
- 598
- 00:50:55,969 --> 00:50:59,555
- Suits my lifestyle, you know.
- I like to get out and do stuff.
- 599
- 00:50:59,765 --> 00:51:03,726
- Just played nine holes on the Riviera.
- Just walked on. Nobody there.
- 600
- 00:51:03,894 --> 00:51:08,147
- Goddamn it, Bill fucking Murray!
- 601
- 00:51:08,315 --> 00:51:10,524
- I had to get that out.
- I don't mean to gush.
- 602
- 00:51:10,692 --> 00:51:14,737
- This is so surreal. I mean,
- you probably get this all the time.
- 603
- 00:51:14,905 --> 00:51:17,656
- Maybe not lately,
- but I'm such a huge fan of yours.
- 604
- 00:51:17,824 --> 00:51:19,158
- I mean, I swear, you know...
- 605
- 00:51:19,326 --> 00:51:22,495
- ...l've seen every one of your movies
- a million times.
- 606
- 00:51:22,662 --> 00:51:27,500
- I even love your dramatic roles
- and just everything.
- 607
- 00:51:27,667 --> 00:51:31,504
- Six people left in the world,
- one of them is Bill fucking Murray!
- 608
- 00:51:31,671 --> 00:51:35,341
- I know that's not your middle name.
- I been watching you since I was like...
- 609
- 00:51:35,509 --> 00:51:39,011
- Since I could masturbate.
- I mean, not that they're connected.
- 610
- 00:51:39,179 --> 00:51:42,431
- "A former greenskeeper about
- to become the Masters champion."
- 611
- 00:51:46,937 --> 00:51:49,188
- Well, that's why we do it.
- 612
- 00:51:50,357 --> 00:51:52,358
- I love you, Bill. I love you.
- 613
- 00:51:52,609 --> 00:51:54,026
- I thank you.
- 614
- 00:51:54,361 --> 00:51:55,569
- Thank you.
- 615
- 00:51:56,029 --> 00:51:58,364
- You are staring at me.
- It's a hairpiece.
- 616
- 00:51:58,532 --> 00:52:02,034
- I'm sorry. No, it was just that you look
- remarkably like Eddie Van Halen.
- 617
- 00:52:02,202 --> 00:52:03,536
- I just saw Eddie Van Halen.
- 618
- 00:52:04,204 --> 00:52:05,704
- - Really?
- - Yeah.
- 619
- 00:52:05,872 --> 00:52:08,082
- - Where? How was that?
- - At the Hollywood Bowl.
- 620
- 00:52:08,250 --> 00:52:09,583
- He's a zombie.
- 621
- 00:52:09,751 --> 00:52:11,752
- That's a tough break.
- 622
- 00:52:11,920 --> 00:52:14,588
- So how about
- a little West Coast hospitality?
- 623
- 00:52:14,756 --> 00:52:17,550
- Can I get you something?
- What would you like?
- 624
- 00:52:28,937 --> 00:52:31,147
- Smooth, isn't it?
- 625
- 00:52:31,356 --> 00:52:34,733
- Oh, hurry.
- Hurry, he's on the ceiling.
- 626
- 00:52:34,901 --> 00:52:38,279
- - Come get him. Avoid the chandelier.
- - Light him up, Ray.
- 627
- 00:52:38,446 --> 00:52:42,575
- - See you on the other side, Pete.
- - Oh, he's so disgusting.
- 628
- 00:52:42,742 --> 00:52:45,619
- - Looks like Slimer.
- - Don't cross the streams!
- 629
- 00:52:45,787 --> 00:52:47,830
- - I don't wanna cross...
- - Oh, no, he's awful.
- 630
- 00:52:47,998 --> 00:52:50,457
- Don't cross the streams!
- 631
- 00:52:53,170 --> 00:52:56,422
- Thirty-five feet long,
- weighing approximately 600 pounds.
- 632
- 00:52:56,590 --> 00:52:57,756
- That's a big Twinkie.
- 633
- 00:52:58,425 --> 00:53:00,259
- Your sister is single, right?
- 634
- 00:53:00,427 --> 00:53:02,928
- There's nothing long distance
- or anything?
- 635
- 00:53:03,096 --> 00:53:04,889
- - No.
- - Oh, good, good.
- 636
- 00:53:05,891 --> 00:53:08,934
- And if she had, like, a type,
- you know...
- 637
- 00:53:09,102 --> 00:53:12,146
- ...if you can have a type,
- what would that be, you think?
- 638
- 00:53:12,314 --> 00:53:14,607
- She kind of goes for, like, bad boys.
- 639
- 00:53:14,774 --> 00:53:16,025
- - Really?
- - Yeah.
- 640
- 00:53:16,193 --> 00:53:17,776
- That's cool.
- 641
- 00:53:17,944 --> 00:53:19,528
- What?
- 642
- 00:53:21,448 --> 00:53:26,160
- - So Columbus is the scared one?
- - Yeah. He's like a little bunny.
- 643
- 00:53:26,953 --> 00:53:28,704
- I'll get him.
- 644
- 00:53:30,957 --> 00:53:32,917
- Watch this.
- 645
- 00:53:41,635 --> 00:53:42,801
- No.
- 646
- 00:53:42,969 --> 00:53:45,012
- No, no, it's okay, it's okay.
- 647
- 00:53:45,180 --> 00:53:47,014
- I got him.
- 648
- 00:53:51,311 --> 00:53:54,480
- Is that how you say hello
- where you come from?
- 649
- 00:53:55,148 --> 00:53:56,482
- Oh, my God.
- 650
- 00:53:56,650 --> 00:53:59,568
- Oh, my God,
- I can't believe I shot Bill Murray.
- 651
- 00:54:00,987 --> 00:54:05,449
- - Mr. Murray?
- - I'm just Bill, I think, now.
- 652
- 00:54:06,159 --> 00:54:08,327
- - Bill?
- - Yeah?
- 653
- 00:54:08,495 --> 00:54:11,705
- I don't think we're gonna be able
- to stitch this.
- 654
- 00:54:13,500 --> 00:54:15,501
- That's still tender.
- 655
- 00:54:15,669 --> 00:54:17,461
- You think you might pull through?
- 656
- 00:54:20,966 --> 00:54:22,174
- No.
- 657
- 00:54:22,342 --> 00:54:25,386
- If it means anything now,
- I am so sorry.
- 658
- 00:54:25,553 --> 00:54:27,513
- It was just instinctive.
- 659
- 00:54:27,681 --> 00:54:29,390
- It was my bad.
- 660
- 00:54:29,557 --> 00:54:32,851
- I was never a very good
- practical joker.
- 661
- 00:54:33,395 --> 00:54:35,521
- So do you have any regrets?
- 662
- 00:54:38,108 --> 00:54:40,526
- Garfield, maybe.
- 663
- 00:55:05,010 --> 00:55:08,012
- I'm sorry, he just gets me.
- 664
- 00:55:09,556 --> 00:55:11,390
- - But it still is sad.
- - Yeah.
- 665
- 00:55:14,394 --> 00:55:17,062
- - Okay.
- - Oh, shit.
- 666
- 00:55:18,064 --> 00:55:20,065
- Okay. Okay.
- 667
- 00:55:20,734 --> 00:55:23,569
- Okay. Shit. Okay.
- 668
- 00:55:32,078 --> 00:55:37,624
- Sorry. One second.
- It's a double-barrel. Sorry.
- 669
- 00:55:37,792 --> 00:55:39,335
- Okay.
- 670
- 00:55:44,257 --> 00:55:48,260
- Three, two, one.
- 671
- 00:55:49,346 --> 00:55:50,971
- - You guys want some Purell?
- - Yes.
- 672
- 00:55:51,139 --> 00:55:52,264
- - Please.
- - Yeah.
- 673
- 00:55:52,599 --> 00:55:53,640
- Around the world.
- 674
- 00:55:57,812 --> 00:55:59,313
- Yes.
- 675
- 00:56:00,690 --> 00:56:02,816
- - Oh, free parking.
- - Yeah.
- 676
- 00:56:02,984 --> 00:56:05,444
- Which is the best thing
- about Zombieland.
- 677
- 00:56:05,612 --> 00:56:08,489
- No, best thing about Z-land,
- no Facebook status updates.
- 678
- 00:56:08,656 --> 00:56:11,533
- You know, "Rob Curtis
- is gearing up for Friday."
- 679
- 00:56:11,701 --> 00:56:15,829
- - Who cares?
- - The best thing is no more flushing.
- 680
- 00:56:15,997 --> 00:56:19,375
- - Epic.
- - And the worst thing about Z-land?
- 681
- 00:56:19,584 --> 00:56:22,127
- You mean, other than the fact
- that I shot Bill Murray?
- 682
- 00:56:22,295 --> 00:56:24,463
- That's easy. Losing Buck.
- 683
- 00:56:25,465 --> 00:56:27,299
- That's his puppy.
- 684
- 00:56:27,467 --> 00:56:31,720
- I'm gonna tell you, I never thought
- I could love anything like Buck.
- 685
- 00:56:31,888 --> 00:56:35,974
- He was just... The day he was born,
- I just lost my mind.
- 686
- 00:56:38,144 --> 00:56:39,144
- Sorry.
- 687
- 00:56:40,814 --> 00:56:43,315
- We were two peas.
- 688
- 00:56:43,483 --> 00:56:49,488
- He had my personality, my laugh,
- my appetite.
- 689
- 00:56:49,656 --> 00:56:50,823
- Laugh?
- 690
- 00:56:50,990 --> 00:56:54,660
- That's when it hit me. I felt ashamed
- that it had taken me this long...
- 691
- 00:56:54,828 --> 00:56:56,829
- Me, with the best cardio
- in the business.
- 692
- 00:56:56,996 --> 00:56:59,748
- - to realize I wasn't the only one
- running from something.
- 693
- 00:57:06,214 --> 00:57:10,384
- Oh, there it is. There you go.
- 694
- 00:57:10,552 --> 00:57:14,138
- Oh, you like the syrup. Yes.
- 695
- 00:57:15,348 --> 00:57:17,057
- Okay.
- 696
- 00:57:24,023 --> 00:57:27,192
- We made this wallet together
- out of duct tape.
- 697
- 00:57:33,032 --> 00:57:34,283
- Take away a man's son...
- 698
- 00:57:34,784 --> 00:57:37,244
- ...you've truly given him
- nothing left to lose.
- 699
- 00:57:47,797 --> 00:57:51,550
- I haven't cried like that since Titanic.
- 700
- 00:58:09,736 --> 00:58:11,403
- Hi.
- 701
- 00:58:32,425 --> 00:58:33,634
- A hint.
- 702
- 00:58:34,594 --> 00:58:41,725
- Why don't you exhale slowly,
- squeeze the trigger?
- 703
- 00:59:14,968 --> 00:59:16,677
- Don't make me drink alone.
- 704
- 00:59:16,844 --> 00:59:18,637
- Okay.
- 705
- 00:59:24,143 --> 00:59:29,481
- It's a 1997 Georges?
- 706
- 00:59:29,649 --> 00:59:33,694
- I never took French.
- Georges de Latour? I don't know.
- 707
- 00:59:33,861 --> 00:59:37,155
- - Oh, it's a '97?
- - Yeah.
- 708
- 00:59:37,323 --> 00:59:39,658
- - Was that a good year?
- - Oh, my God.
- 709
- 00:59:39,826 --> 00:59:41,368
- It was great.
- Are you kidding me?
- 710
- 00:59:41,536 --> 00:59:45,205
- I saw my first R-rated movie
- that year.
- 711
- 00:59:45,373 --> 00:59:48,542
- - Yeah, Anaconda.
- - Anaconda.
- 712
- 00:59:50,086 --> 00:59:52,421
- First tattoo, porpoise.
- 713
- 00:59:52,589 --> 00:59:54,673
- - Really?
- - Fake.
- 714
- 00:59:55,008 --> 00:59:57,009
- First kiss.
- 715
- 00:59:57,802 --> 00:59:59,011
- Scotty Lynch.
- 716
- 00:59:59,596 --> 01:00:02,306
- You guys used tongue?
- 717
- 01:00:05,018 --> 01:00:07,019
- Maybe.
- 718
- 01:00:07,854 --> 01:00:09,438
- You jealous of Scotty Lynch?
- 719
- 01:00:11,357 --> 01:00:13,525
- Yes, I am.
- 720
- 01:00:13,693 --> 01:00:18,196
- Actually, I think I'm jealous
- of your whole 1997.
- 721
- 01:00:18,364 --> 01:00:20,198
- Let's see.
- 722
- 01:00:22,201 --> 01:00:24,536
- Mine, first orthodontist.
- 723
- 01:00:24,704 --> 01:00:27,789
- The bastard gave me headgear.
- Yeah. I got my first B.
- 724
- 01:00:27,957 --> 01:00:29,875
- Oh, no.
- 725
- 01:00:30,043 --> 01:00:32,586
- Frightening as Anaconda.
- 726
- 01:00:33,379 --> 01:00:36,757
- In wood shop, which doesn't really
- count as a class anyway.
- 727
- 01:00:36,924 --> 01:00:38,550
- No.
- 728
- 01:00:39,552 --> 01:00:42,054
- Had my first school dance.
- Oh, thank you.
- 729
- 01:00:42,221 --> 01:00:46,350
- It was a Sadie Hawkins,
- so girls' choice, you know.
- 730
- 01:00:49,562 --> 01:00:53,231
- - What, and nobody picked you?
- - It was girls' choice.
- 731
- 01:00:53,399 --> 01:00:55,817
- - Those bitches.
- - I know.
- 732
- 01:00:55,985 --> 01:00:58,904
- No, I will not stand for this.
- No. You know what?
- 733
- 01:00:59,572 --> 01:01:05,410
- On behalf of all the eighth-grade girls,
- I would like to make it up to you.
- 734
- 01:01:08,164 --> 01:01:09,289
- Relax.
- 735
- 01:01:09,457 --> 01:01:11,792
- Scotty's old news.
- 736
- 01:01:47,036 --> 01:01:51,623
- I don't even know your name,
- but this is actually really nice.
- 737
- 01:01:51,791 --> 01:01:56,211
- You know, between you, me
- and What About Bob?
- 738
- 01:01:57,797 --> 01:01:59,548
- ...you're actually kind of cute.
- 739
- 01:01:59,716 --> 01:02:00,799
- You think so?
- 740
- 01:02:02,009 --> 01:02:03,343
- Yeah.
- 741
- 01:02:04,137 --> 01:02:06,805
- I mean, you got the guts of a guppy...
- 742
- 01:02:07,640 --> 01:02:09,808
- ...but I could hit that.
- 743
- 01:02:13,312 --> 01:02:15,230
- Really?
- 744
- 01:02:15,732 --> 01:02:19,234
- Or at least give you
- the intentional walk to first.
- 745
- 01:02:29,579 --> 01:02:32,456
- Hey, a little help moving the couch?
- 746
- 01:02:33,082 --> 01:02:35,000
- We're making a fort.
- 747
- 01:02:40,047 --> 01:02:42,090
- - Yeah.
- - Yeah, that's probably for the best.
- 748
- 01:02:42,258 --> 01:02:44,092
- - Right.
- - Because...
- 749
- 01:02:46,012 --> 01:02:47,679
- ...I like you...
- 750
- 01:02:47,847 --> 01:02:50,432
- ...Columbus, but my sister and I...
- 751
- 01:02:50,600 --> 01:02:53,894
- ...are gonna do
- whatever it takes to survive, so...
- 752
- 01:03:05,072 --> 01:03:07,783
- I was hoping
- Wichita was just playing hard to get...
- 753
- 01:03:07,992 --> 01:03:10,452
- ...but I realized she had
- more trust issues than I...
- 754
- 01:03:10,620 --> 01:03:14,372
- ...when I woke up the next day
- and she was leaving.
- 755
- 01:03:18,211 --> 01:03:20,253
- You are like a giant
- cock-blocking robot...
- 756
- 01:03:20,421 --> 01:03:23,590
- ...like, developed in a secret
- fucking government lab.
- 757
- 01:03:24,050 --> 01:03:25,550
- Hey.
- 758
- 01:03:25,718 --> 01:03:28,386
- I can't believe I almost kissed him.
- What's our rule?
- 759
- 01:03:28,554 --> 01:03:31,306
- - Trust no one, just you and me.
- - Just you and me.
- 760
- 01:03:32,058 --> 01:03:34,309
- Yeah. You and me.
- 761
- 01:03:47,907 --> 01:03:50,283
- You have just survived
- the zombie apocalypse...
- 762
- 01:03:50,451 --> 01:03:52,452
- ...and drove halfway across
- the country.
- 763
- 01:03:52,620 --> 01:03:54,120
- Where are you gonna go?
- 764
- 01:03:54,288 --> 01:03:57,457
- I'm going to Pacific Playland.
- 765
- 01:04:16,143 --> 01:04:18,687
- Open sesame.
- 766
- 01:04:28,197 --> 01:04:31,157
- This is the problem
- with getting attached to someone.
- 767
- 01:04:31,325 --> 01:04:33,952
- When they leave you,
- you just feel lost.
- 768
- 01:04:34,120 --> 01:04:36,288
- Having Tallahassee around
- didn't comfort me...
- 769
- 01:04:36,455 --> 01:04:38,123
- ...it just made me feel more alone.
- 770
- 01:04:38,291 --> 01:04:42,002
- Hey. You weren't exactly
- gonna score, anyway.
- 771
- 01:04:42,169 --> 01:04:45,589
- You know, you weren't storming
- the trenches before I came along.
- 772
- 01:04:47,592 --> 01:04:50,802
- That's why I don't let people close.
- You only get burned.
- 773
- 01:04:50,970 --> 01:04:52,012
- You don't say.
- 774
- 01:04:54,140 --> 01:04:55,640
- Mexico.
- 775
- 01:04:55,808 --> 01:04:59,394
- You know what they call Twinkies
- in Mexico?
- 776
- 01:05:00,021 --> 01:05:04,232
- - That's where I'm headed, amigo.
- - Whatever.
- 777
- 01:05:59,372 --> 01:06:00,789
- - Oh, my God.
- - I know.
- 778
- 01:06:00,957 --> 01:06:02,791
- - This is really fun. Oh, my God.
- - Yeah.
- 779
- 01:06:27,900 --> 01:06:29,693
- Oh, no.
- 780
- 01:06:32,905 --> 01:06:34,406
- I'm going after Wichita.
- 781
- 01:06:34,573 --> 01:06:38,118
- Look, you ever read that book
- She's Just Not That Into You?
- 782
- 01:06:38,285 --> 01:06:40,245
- You can't make yourself
- too available.
- 783
- 01:06:40,413 --> 01:06:43,081
- I don't care, all right?
- I wanna be with her.
- 784
- 01:06:43,457 --> 01:06:45,709
- Have fun in Mexico.
- 785
- 01:06:50,756 --> 01:06:52,424
- Come on. Hurry.
- 786
- 01:06:56,637 --> 01:06:57,846
- Get in.
- 787
- 01:07:06,939 --> 01:07:08,940
- Come on, go.
- 788
- 01:07:10,484 --> 01:07:11,776
- Go, go.
- 789
- 01:07:24,790 --> 01:07:28,752
- On the count of three.
- One, two, three.
- 790
- 01:07:43,476 --> 01:07:46,186
- You okay? Come on.
- Hurry, get up.
- 791
- 01:07:46,353 --> 01:07:47,562
- - Come on, let's go.
- - Yeah.
- 792
- 01:07:53,486 --> 01:07:55,278
- There.
- 793
- 01:08:14,340 --> 01:08:18,218
- I'm not great at farewells, so...
- 794
- 01:08:19,929 --> 01:08:21,054
- ...that'll do, pig.
- 795
- 01:08:22,014 --> 01:08:24,057
- That's the worst goodbye
- I've ever heard...
- 796
- 01:08:24,225 --> 01:08:26,351
- ...and you stole it from a movie.
- 797
- 01:08:29,522 --> 01:08:31,689
- Tell the ladies I said hey.
- 798
- 01:08:31,857 --> 01:08:34,442
- You know, their pictures
- were in someone's wallet too.
- 799
- 01:09:00,052 --> 01:09:01,886
- Hop in the car, Evel Knievel.
- 800
- 01:09:02,346 --> 01:09:06,224
- - Let's go ride the roller coaster.
- - Thanks.
- 801
- 01:09:16,235 --> 01:09:17,902
- Go!
- 802
- 01:10:17,838 --> 01:10:19,339
- Not as fun as I remember.
- 803
- 01:10:25,179 --> 01:10:27,430
- Shoot the control box.
- 804
- 01:10:59,880 --> 01:11:01,172
- - Columbus?
- - Tallahassee?
- 805
- 01:11:01,340 --> 01:11:05,927
- I think they might actually
- require our assistance this time.
- 806
- 01:11:06,095 --> 01:11:09,847
- - Buckle up.
- - Yeah. I'm way ahead of you.
- 807
- 01:11:11,558 --> 01:11:14,060
- Time to nut up or shut up.
- 808
- 01:11:18,482 --> 01:11:20,024
- Holy shit.
- 809
- 01:11:42,047 --> 01:11:46,426
- My mama always told me
- someday I'd be good at something.
- 810
- 01:11:46,593 --> 01:11:49,053
- Who'd have guessed
- that would be zombie killing?
- 811
- 01:11:49,221 --> 01:11:50,221
- Probably nobody.
- 812
- 01:11:51,765 --> 01:11:53,391
- Look.
- 813
- 01:11:56,145 --> 01:11:58,813
- We better start working
- on our apology.
- 814
- 01:12:13,245 --> 01:12:15,913
- Oh, no. No.
- 815
- 01:12:23,172 --> 01:12:24,255
- - Hey!
- - Hey!
- 816
- 01:12:24,423 --> 01:12:25,757
- - Hey! Ohio!
- - Over here!
- 817
- 01:12:25,924 --> 01:12:27,925
- - Hey! Help!
- - Help!
- 818
- 01:12:28,093 --> 01:12:30,595
- - Oh, my God.
- - Help!
- 819
- 01:12:30,763 --> 01:12:32,180
- Hey!
- 820
- 01:12:32,765 --> 01:12:34,265
- Help!
- 821
- 01:12:34,433 --> 01:12:37,602
- - Hey, they're up there. They're okay.
- - What are you waiting for?
- 822
- 01:12:37,770 --> 01:12:38,811
- That's your gal.
- 823
- 01:12:40,814 --> 01:12:42,065
- - Over here!
- - Help!
- 824
- 01:12:44,777 --> 01:12:48,279
- Come on!
- Come get a piece of Tallahassee!
- 825
- 01:12:48,447 --> 01:12:50,448
- Anybody hungry?
- 826
- 01:12:50,616 --> 01:12:55,286
- Tallahassee's nice this time of year!
- Come on!
- 827
- 01:12:55,454 --> 01:12:57,997
- Come on, you ugly bastards!
- 828
- 01:13:15,891 --> 01:13:20,978
- Holy shit.
- 829
- 01:13:21,146 --> 01:13:22,855
- Hey!
- 830
- 01:13:48,382 --> 01:13:49,507
- Motherfucker!
- 831
- 01:14:21,206 --> 01:14:23,458
- Shit. I'm out of shells.
- 832
- 01:14:27,212 --> 01:14:28,379
- Bingo.
- 833
- 01:14:36,889 --> 01:14:38,264
- Yeah!
- 834
- 01:14:39,183 --> 01:14:40,433
- Oh, yeah.
- 835
- 01:14:50,402 --> 01:14:52,111
- Here we go.
- 836
- 01:17:23,847 --> 01:17:25,389
- Oh, shit.
- 837
- 01:17:26,642 --> 01:17:29,435
- - Wichita! Little Rock!
- - Hurry!
- 838
- 01:17:32,564 --> 01:17:34,649
- Oh, my God.
- 839
- 01:17:34,858 --> 01:17:36,942
- Look at this fucking clown.
- 840
- 01:17:40,155 --> 01:17:42,948
- Of course. It had to be a clown.
- 841
- 01:17:43,116 --> 01:17:45,076
- Fuck.
- 842
- 01:17:46,411 --> 01:17:49,914
- No, it had to be a clown,
- and it had to be Wichita...
- 843
- 01:17:50,082 --> 01:17:51,916
- ...for me to finally understand...
- 844
- 01:17:53,418 --> 01:17:55,336
- ...that some rules
- are made to be broken.
- 845
- 01:17:59,174 --> 01:18:00,591
- Time to nut up or shut up.
- 846
- 01:18:05,097 --> 01:18:07,014
- Fuck this clown.
- 847
- 01:18:51,143 --> 01:18:52,727
- - Thanks.
- - Hey.
- 848
- 01:18:52,936 --> 01:18:56,147
- Get your gun. Here you go. Hi.
- 849
- 01:18:56,648 --> 01:18:57,857
- Okay.
- 850
- 01:19:06,825 --> 01:19:09,034
- Krista.
- 851
- 01:19:42,360 --> 01:19:46,113
- Okay. We should probably
- head out now.
- 852
- 01:19:50,577 --> 01:19:52,912
- Finally got to first base.
- 853
- 01:19:53,079 --> 01:19:56,373
- Not bad for that scrawny
- little spit-fuck.
- 854
- 01:20:03,799 --> 01:20:05,758
- Where's Florida?
- 855
- 01:20:09,429 --> 01:20:11,055
- I have a little hunch.
- 856
- 01:20:13,058 --> 01:20:16,560
- Where are you, you spongy,
- yellow, delicious bastards?
- 857
- 01:20:16,728 --> 01:20:18,229
- - Where are you?
- - Yo.
- 858
- 01:20:23,235 --> 01:20:25,236
- False advertising.
- 859
- 01:20:28,824 --> 01:20:30,241
- Jesus Christ.
- 860
- 01:20:31,910 --> 01:20:33,744
- You want a Sno Ball or something?
- 861
- 01:21:00,647 --> 01:21:02,940
- Oh, God.
- 862
- 01:21:08,947 --> 01:21:11,949
- Words cannot express.
- 863
- 01:21:12,576 --> 01:21:13,617
- It's too soon.
- 864
- 01:21:13,785 --> 01:21:17,788
- Do you think you could maybe just pick
- out the buckshot and eat around it?
- 865
- 01:21:17,956 --> 01:21:20,499
- Okay, yeah.
- 866
- 01:21:21,376 --> 01:21:23,294
- No!
- 867
- 01:21:23,461 --> 01:21:25,880
- - No!
- - No!
- 868
- 01:21:28,633 --> 01:21:29,842
- That face?
- 869
- 01:21:30,010 --> 01:21:33,345
- That's me realizing that those smart
- girls in that big black truck...
- 870
- 01:21:34,806 --> 01:21:37,474
- ...and that big guy
- in that snakeskin jacket...
- 871
- 01:21:37,851 --> 01:21:40,394
- ...they were the closest to
- something I'd always wanted...
- 872
- 01:21:40,562 --> 01:21:41,854
- ...but never really had.
- 873
- 01:21:42,480 --> 01:21:43,981
- A family.
- 874
- 01:21:44,149 --> 01:21:46,859
- I trusted them and they trusted me.
- 875
- 01:21:50,530 --> 01:21:52,865
- Rule number 32:
- Enjoy the little things.
- 876
- 01:21:54,242 --> 01:21:56,076
- Tallahassee got his Twinkie.
- 877
- 01:21:56,244 --> 01:22:00,414
- And even though life would never
- be simple or innocent again...
- 878
- 01:22:00,624 --> 01:22:03,751
- ...as he savored that spongy,
- yellow log of cream...
- 879
- 01:22:03,919 --> 01:22:06,629
- ...we had hope. We had each other.
- 880
- 01:22:08,006 --> 01:22:12,551
- And without other people, well,
- you might as well be a zombie.
- 881
- 01:22:12,761 --> 01:22:14,553
- - Thank you so much.
- - You had us going.
- 882
- 01:22:14,721 --> 01:22:16,555
- Yeah.
- 883
- 01:22:18,558 --> 01:22:20,184
- That was very funny.
- 884
- 01:22:20,352 --> 01:22:21,852
- So until next time, remember:
- 885
- 01:22:22,020 --> 01:22:25,022
- Cardio, seat belts, and this
- has nothing to do with anything...
- 886
- 01:22:25,190 --> 01:22:27,858
- ...but a little sunscreen
- never hurt anybody.
- 887
- 01:22:29,527 --> 01:22:34,365
- I'm Columbus, Ohio, from
- Zombieland, saying good night.
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