zoofights 4 contestants/overview

Overview
"After the events of Zoofights III culminated in a homicidal trainwreck of flesh, steel and raging bisons that destroyed half of London, the only option was to raise the game a little higher, and take things into orbit.

ZF4 rejoined the zoofights corporation some years later, after a fortuitous series of events saw its funds restored, its factories rebuilt, and a massive great space station mysteriously bequeathed to it through no act of corporate fraud at all.

Zoofights had also been lucky enough to force Nikola Tesla and H.G. Wells to invent time travel for it, widening the company's portfolio of monsters to include savage titans from the furthest reaches of the time-space continuum."


Round 1 Contestants:

Round 1 Fight 1:

Imperaptor:
"The Yongle emperor of 1410 was enthusiastic in working with zoofights representatives to acquire a monster suitably grandiose to represent Ming China. He settled with guidance on Gigantoraptor Erlianensis, a towering beaked therapod from the late cretaceous. Imperaptor weighs in at two tons replete with quilted plate armour, and has had its legs and tail augmented with hardened brass blades. In addition, it is armed with a zoofights-enhanced battery of mastercrafted rocket artillery and a jaw-slung flamethrower. Resplendent with bright plumage and polished metal, this lofty beast is as devastating in close combat as it is on the parade ground."

Burgertherium:
"Hailing from a nightmare future Argentina controlled by fast food conglomerates, Burgertherium stretches the boundaries of bioengineering into a horrible place. Built to work half-submerged in the boiling fat vaults of the Buenos Aires food factories, the creature's bones and nervous system have been cloned from an extinct Megatherium ground sloth. Its flesh, however, is a seething mass of sweltering burger meat, constantly extruded from pores in its metallic endoskeleton. Worse yet, This greasy, sizzling brute is armed with scything Vanadium claws, and a high pressure hose capable of blasting boiling oil from tanks in its interior. I'm lovin' it."

Result: Due to apparent sabotage, Imperaptor ended up armed with missiles loaded with burger meat destroying enzymes. The missiles melted off Burgertherium's face, leaving him open for a flamethrower to the brain. Imperaptor wins.

Round 1 Fight 2:

Dakuvanga:
"The tribal councils of Unified Polynesia in 2150 were ferociously enthusiastic about their entry, assembling their dark champion deep inside the foundry hulks of their raft towns for over a month. Dakuvanga, named in honour of an ancient Feejeean sea devil, is the head and nervous system of a vast hammerhead shark, rising out of a diesel-powered nightmare of pistons, blades, pincers and drills. Constructed from the rusting debris of chinese industrial machinery sunk in the soy war of '32, this vengeful leviathan is held together by heavy iron, raw aggression and almost certainly some kind of horrendous oceanic spirit."

Riot Yeti:
"When we made contact with 1920s Tibet, the Dalai Lama of the time was happy to sell us the last Yeti - but only if we swore against using it for war. Therefore, we grafted two more arms onto it, gave it an assortment of vicious weapons and riot gear, and enrolled it in our security detail for a few months, thus making it an enforcer of the peace. So that's alright then. Needless to say, it's bruted up on combat drugs at all hours, and attempts to brain everything it sees, all the while howling wordless cries of hatred."

Result: When Riot Yeti attempted to voraciously eat Dakuvanga, the dumb ape forgot to put up his guard. This let Dakuvanga slice through him with his chainsaw tail, cutting off his arms. Afterwards, Dakuvanga stomped on the body to make sure, and proceeded to eat some of the yeti's flesh.

Round 1 Fight 3:

Tunguska:
"The Kremlin of 1980 sent a tank battallion and several transport helicopters loaded with classified equipment to the Siberia of 1910, hours after the alleged asteroid impact that flattened 800 square miles of Taiga. What they retrieved was a crippled monster from another star, burnt and dying after its failed landing. Insectile in appearance and rebuilt with Kazakh steel, Tunguska enjoys emitting unearthly shrieks and firing off its machine guns almost as much as it enjoys the Soviet National Anthem, which it likes so much that the Russian team never dare turn it off. Let us hope they never do."

Old Bitey:
"The Australian competitor hails from a dismal future in which the red continent has suffered a devastating nuclear war with New Zealand. We contacted the largest feudal power and let them browse through our catalogue. One trip to the Devonian and three weeks of engineering later, their crude foundries put out Old Bitey: the front end of an armoured Dunkleosteus fish, bolted onto a dirty burning fusion engine and hovering on near-fried antigrav plates. In addition to a bite strength of 80,000 lbs per square inch, the radioactive monster has batteries of stinging tentacles, with many grasping broken bottles."

Result: Tunguska gets pissed when Old Bitey gnashes off his stereo, and seems to start putting up a fight. The battle ends in an aerial collision, and despite Tunguska managing to impale Old Bitey in the head, the fish ends up chomping the alien-thing's head off. Afterwards, Tunguska's dead body seemed to completely cocoon up.

Round 1 Fight 4:

Hydrafficus:
"In retrospect, sending hiphop robot XZ-BOT to ancient Athens was a horrendous idea. "Yo dawg I heard you like hydras" sounded promising, but ended up miring us in the setback-ridden nightmare of project Hydrafficus. A gargantuan chelonian body, controlled by four giraffe necks crammed into the front, sounded reasonable - ingenius, even. But then the talk of elemental attacks started. Now this overpowered disaster has flamethrower eyes, sonic screech generators, poison sludge jets and a tesla cannon, all controlled by irritable, rash giraffes. Not our most tasteful or culturally relevant effort, it has to be said, but certainly extremely dangerous."

Inquisipede:
"As soon as our advisory team had presented their carboniferous era portfolio to King Ferdinand II's Spanish inquisition, it handed over an astonishing quantity of gold to acquire a 10 foot Arthropleura millipede. Feeling generous, we treated it with a retrovirus containing modern giant centipede DNA, and built it a life support system to maintain its terrifyingly fast metabolism in today's low-oxygen atmosphere. With the help of our technicians, the inquisition team have augmented Inquisipede with twin carbon nanotube drills, each linked to sacs of a potent venom designed to cause massive cellular damage - and terrifying visions of God."

Result: After Inquisipede infected Hydrafficus' multiple heads with his religious venom, the giraffe heads start a personal holy war and begin to tear themselves apart while Inquisipede slips into the turtle shell and starts to feast on its flesh. However, the electricity powered head gains a revelation about Christmas, and drags itself out of the spaceship, flinging Inquisipede out of its shell and killing it. Hydrafficus barely makes it back inside alive, but dies shortly after.

Round 1 Fight 5:

Glaciosaur:
"When we offered an invitation to Antarctica's first sovereign state in 2062, they pompously dismissed us as barbarians. One long (and completely coincidental) winter without electricity later, however, the survivors were all too keen to get into the spirit of things and build a monster that reflected the harrowing cold that stole their loved ones. The outcome, Glaciosaurus, is as pitiless as it is massive. An antarctic ankylosaurid, heavily nano-engineered to survive a blood-analog temperature of -50*C, this bleak dinosaur is armed with liquid nitrogen pressure hoses to complement the huge boom-mounted saw it carries on its frosty back."

Killobite:
"Field Marshall Kitchener, being a major shareholder in the Zoofights corporation, was a natural invitee for a competitor slot in the tournament. His team of trench veteran palaeontologists and military engineers got along swimmingly with our laboratory staff, and produced Killobite: not a misspelling of Kilobyte, but a Trilobite that kills. An eighteen foot trilobite, with WWI tank tracks, iron plate, a 57mm cannon and mustard gas vents, all controlled by a half-ton vacuum tube thinking engine. Relentless, stalwart and laden to the modified gills with british steel, this leviathan is only constrained by its extremely limited capacity for thought."

Result: Despite Glaciosaur managing to pin down Killobite and nearly destroy his outer shell, Killobite hung on and fired one last shot. It went directly through Glaciosaur's body, propelling it into outer space, where he dies.

Round 1 Fight 6:

Happy to be a wolf. Ecstatic to be a motorbike. Wolfbike.:
"The Czech team, hailing from 1995, were underfunded, crippled by bureaucracy, and never managed to activate their time portal. Four days before registration, they acquired a black market wolf, forty litres of vodka, and a motorcycle. A day past deadline, they handed in WolfBike - a ropey disaster comprising a grinning wolf's head, doped to the gills on morphine, and bolted onto the front of a dilapidated motorbike. In a concession to sportsmanship, we gave WolfBike that old zoofights staple, a pair of muscly arms. The stitches are a bit fresh, but they probably won't need to hold for long."

Slammonite:
"Against all of our consultations and subsequent warnings, the Reagan administration of 1984 was adamant in its plan to literally grow a pro wrestler onto a giant, pissed-off ammonite. They got what they wanted in Slammonite, a hulking mass of pain and patriotism that will be lucky to maintain a heartbeat for the duration of the tournament. Refusing DNA retroviruses, nanotech and all but a few tissue culture techniques, the American team insisted on doing things their own way - with sutures, staples and a lot of steroids. The two worst things about Slammonite are its two staring human eyes."

Result: Despite Slammonite having the clear edge over Wolfbike, Slammonite's shoddy construction and over-activity result in him having a cardiac arrest mid-fight. This gives Wolfbike the chance to punch him directly in the heart, knocking him out for good.

Round 1 Fight 7:

Kriegbehemot:
"Kriegbehemot is a colossal ice-age rhinoceros, hydraulically augmented and fitted with three tons of steel cladding, reinforcement and gunnery. Frustrated by the tournament's strict "no human crews" rule (put in place after the 'rabble' debacle of 1873), the Prussian military of 1830 were stumped for a way to man the guns on their charging fortress - until we offered them chimp's brains in domes, that is! The three brains are chimpworked and control Kriegbehemot's armament as a team, while the beast itself is free to pursue the equally important work of bellowing, trampling and running at things really, really hard."

Heart of Darkness:
"When a rift valley shaman from prehistoric Kenya contacted our CEO in the depths of an acid binge, we quickly organised a boardroom salvia mashup to sign his tribe up for an entry to the tournament. It turned out the tribesmen were chillingly adept at guiding our technicians through complex work on African megafauna - but only so long as those technicians were mashed off their chops on drugs at the time. And that's how Drug Month happened. And that's how we ended up with Heart Of Darkness, but beyond that we have no fucking clue what we've done here."

Result: Kriegbehemot weakens Heart of Darkness' fragile body, and manages to ram inside of it, hoping to tear directly through. Unfortunately, the inside of Heart of Darkness is lined with cheetah and crocodile heads, who begin gnashing at the rhino. However, Kriegbehemot pulls through, and tears through the back of the monster, before blasting its main head off.

Round 1 Fight 8:

The Delegation:
"Terrifyingly, the Japanese entry arrived before we sent any invitation. It arrived in a blink of light around ten minutes prior to the activation of the time portal, requesting quarters until the tournament. We weren't inclined to say no to an eight-foot, levitating cuttlefish from the distant future, so we acquiesced to its telepathic demand. After that we held a lot of panic meetings, before assuring ourselves that everything was fine and going according to plan. To be fair, that's about all we know of the Japanese Delegation, since it hasn't let us in to its wing of the station."

The Walrus:
"Despite all efforts to tempt New Zealand's crazed druids with a proper monster for the tournament, they were insistant on receiving a walrus. It transpired that this was due to a long-held religious belief, centred round an arcade machine in Auckland that had been running since the atomic war with Australia. The machine, reverently maintained, had been playing Taito's "New Zealand Story" for two centuries straight, and the survivor's descendants now saw the game's walrus antagonist as a God. Under secret rites, the insane machine consciousness of the Taito machine was downloaded into the Walrus, which was subsequently given a battery of genetic alterations. We suspect that a surviving copy of "once were warriors" may be responsible for Walrus' wifebeater vest, meaty fists, and excellence in close combat."

Result: The Delegation has a very clear advantage with its psychic properties, but a mind reading of The Walrus' addled brain results in it being stunned. The Walrus then gets in close for a beating, leaving the squid helpless. The Delegation, thinking fast, unloads a torrent of malicious code into The Walrus' mind, frying it.


Loser's League Contestants;

Loser's League Fight 1:

'Nam Vet Yeti:
"The Yeti became depressed after losing, realizing that all he was really good for was fighting. We decided to send him back to the 1970s and let him work for the UN, but he turned out to be the worlds worst peacekeeper. He was let go, but the UN is still too afraid to ask for their hat back. He wanted around for a few years until finding himself deep in the jungles of Vietnam with some unexplained upgrades. Now he's two electrified weapons and two more arms. With chainsaws. Hacking his way through the jungles, he's been to hell and back. Plus, he's got air support now. What sort of good Marine would be without their radio pack? We found the best llamas we could and put them through flight school, teaching them how to pilot Black Hawks. And did we mention his pimping Nerf Maverick, loaded with darts equip with stomach acid, just waiting to take down a certain cheeseburger?"

Burger Lord:
"Never ones to turn down free marketing, the benefactors of the Argentine rendering fields have banded together to fund the reconstruction of Burgertherium into the fearsome Burger Lord. Boiling oil cannons and vanadium-claws have been upgaded with all the considerable resources of cultural imperialism, added to which is the highly corrosive "secret sauce" that now oozes from his weeping sores. Burger Lord's musculature has been enhanced with hot grease hydraulics to overcome the natural Megatherium slothfulness. Don't ask what's under the mask - the effects of X-enzyme are irreversible and not pretty."

Result: When Burger Lord's mask is torn off, 'Nam Yeti is left stunned, leaving him open for an attack... But 'Nam Yeti quickly calls in his llama strike force, who bomb the burger thing from above.

Loser's League Fight 2:

Centipope:
"I really don't know what to tell you with this one. Legally speaking, this thing was dead and floating in space for three days before the Vatican picked it up. When it arrived back in Rome, it had this ... thing ... attached to it by the neck and it was alive and kicking. Some of our researchers are afraid of this, claiming it's too reminiscent of something they read in a comic book involving an arachnid of some sort. I don't know, I don't care. The Vatican spruced it up and provided it with the deadliest blades that untold billions of real estate and artwork can buy. Stay on your toes with that cross, though. It burns the skin without it physically touching flesh."

Tsar Bumble:
"We dragged Tunguska's beaten and severed body off the arena floor with high hopes and big plans, but when our bioengineers went to implement them we found that the bloody thing had gone and cocooned itself into a giant chrysalis. No matter, we simply built a VTOL gunship with a hefty nuclear loadout around her, and convinced some tiny bee commissars that it was a larval queen that needed protecting. Now they're piloting the thing and they'd sooner slap Stalin's mother than let anything happen to it.

The HIVE-D we've built for them is nothing to scoff at. With six independently-orienting VTOL engines it's got full maneuverability from any attitude. We've got micro-nuke swarm launchers to bathe the opponent in destruction and the ballistic nuke launchers in the back to finish the job. On an unrelated note, potassium iodine pills are available to spectators for a small fee at the concessions stand. And just in case Tsar Bumble gets grumpy in there, we've attached a boombox blasting Гимн Советского Союза nonstop."

Result: A lucky throw from a Holy Hang Grenade results in Tsar Bumble's armor and chrysalis pierced, but also knocks off the boombox. The two contestants make a mad dash at each other, Centipope hoping to get a good hit on one of the Tsar's weakened areas. However, Tsar Bumble starts to metamorphose... but ends up without a head due to its last match, killing it instantly. Centipope is the victor, but its new louse-like master leaps into the headless beast's body.

Loser's League Fight 3:

Ankylodyte:
"In a surprise turn of events, a group of native Antarcticans stepped up to offer their services in upgrading the poor, defeated Glaciosaur. Much to the dismay of The Atom (tm), Zoofights agreed. After all, it was free labor.
They don't seem to have changed much, though. Aside from adding the icicle gatling guns and one very pissed-off penguin with a shotgun, Ankylodyte hasn't been much improved upon since his first round. The Antarcticans seem sure of a win, though. We think it has something to do with that tarp, which they still haven't let us peek under."

Ramoninite:
"Embittered by his tragic loss to Wolfbike, and abandoned those who created him: Ronnie and the entire Reagan era gang, he returned to his cell and painted it black while listening to a lot of classic 80s metal. Even though he's fully converted into an anti-establishment cephalopod who rages against The Man, Ramoninite is no less of a true American patriot. With his new heart--a borrowed flux capacitor--beats to a new tune of raging against the machine, Slammonite's doesn't just have a leather jacket, diamond crotchplate, a laser light show to blind the opponent, fog to confuse him, and a battleaxe guitar. No, his ultimate weapon is the power of ROCK."

Result: The fight quickly goes to hell when its revealed whats under Ankylodyte's tarp: An F-Bomb, set up by the Antarticans as revenge for the Zoofights staff ruining their country. Ramoninite manages to launch Ankylodyte out of the arena and into space using the power of rock, winning the match and saving the entire contest.

Loser's League Fight 4:

Hyperfauna:
"Ever have one of those situations when you just don't know what to do with something? That's what we feel like with Hyperfauna. We've all sorts of beastie parts lying around down in the Engineering Bay from fighters that have come and gone, but this thing took a nasty beating and we're just not sure as to how we should put it back together. So, we used the spaghetti strategy. We took everything we had and we threw it at the wall. What stuck formed Hyperfauna. We don't know what it can do or what it's capable of.

That, and it's kind of stuck in the Engineering Bay."

The Walrus (Again):
"We came across some of Temuera Morrison's DNA and injected it directly into the beasts addled brain. The moment the needle was removed, it wound up in the arm of the person who was holding it. The Walrus's brain has been cured of whatever madness ailed him. He proceeded to get up and tell us he didn't need any of our pansy=ass modifications, that he could handle this shit himself. Rather than argue with him, we threw him the keys to the armory. Amazingly, when he emerged, he didn't take that much. We'd have guessed that he'd have at least grabbed one or two doomsday devices, but no. All he took was a couple of ammo belts, an an extra gun or two, some grenades, and a six pack of cold beer. And that hunting knife. We weren't even aware we had something that low-tec in here. He says he got it from some friend on an island or something who used it to hunt wild boar. We'll take his word for it."

Result: After fighting through the ship as essentially a one-man army, The Walrus makes it to his goal, the incinerator. He manages to activate it despite Hyperfauna holding him down, killing the beast for good.


Round 2 Contestants:

Round 2 Fight 1:

Battleopteryx:
"A cabal of ancient chinese scholars spent the week deep in consultation with our ruthless surgineers, outfitting their saurian champion for his battle with the monstrous Fijian contender. A course of tailored DNA retroviruses have amped up the noble beast's avian characteristics, to give a lighter structure and greater balance in flight, which is achieved by a battery of four VTOL turbines. Battleopteryx has been plated in ceramic armour, and retains its rockets, blades and flamethrowers. Meanwhile, its legs have been refitted as hydraulic harpoon cannons, launching hypervibrating metal claws up to fifty feet. Battleopteryx is offended by his opponent's looted chinese metal, and intends to punish the offence by death in the name of the Dynasty."

Tethys:
"The Fijian team, furious at the damage wrought by the Riot Yeti, dragged their monster down into the bilges of the station and got to work with wrenches, saltwater and acetylene torches. As a result of a lucrative sponsorship deal with Spiders™, they were able to obtain funding for an easter island head wreathed in mystical flame, which they have lashed to the trunk of the last tree on Rapa Nui to make a brutal club for their champion. Also with help from Spiders™, Tethys has been fitted with a web cannon capable of firing giant surges of webbing from a tank full of Spiders™, and a pair of venom-filled diamond-needled syringes to deal with any close quarters attacks.

Fun fact about Spiders: Did you know? The brown recluse prefers to stay away from humans and is actually important to the environment."

Result: Battleopteryx hooks Tethys using his chains, in an attempt to drag the shark into the lava pit of the arena. Tethys pulls the chains back, and delivers a mighty punch to the bird, smashing its bones. Tethys makes a final run, locking Battleoptyrx in place with Spider™webbing. Battleopteryx manages to launch a blast at Tethys, however, causing his eyes to explode. Unfortuantely, this doesn't stop the shark from biting right through the bird.

Round 2 Fight 2:

Chompa:
"The warlords of post-apocalyptic Australia relished the repairs budget for round 2, and immediately set about tooling up their entry into a true engine of destruction. Fitted with an immense pneumatic jaw, improved armour, amped-up antigrav drives and a pair of ultra heavy-bore repeating cannons, Chompa is well prepared for any head-on engagement. Add to this a bank of amplified electric eel glands generating a powerful yet crackly and unpredictable forcefield, and a pair of lightsabres, and you have a potentially unstoppable weapons platform."

Star Truck:
"We won't lie to you - sometimes contenders just die. That's what happened to Hydrafficus after round one. It simply couldn't take the vast quantities of centipede venom, organ rupture and exposure to vacuum that got dished out in the course of the battle, and died on the operating table. We're sorry, but if it makes you feel better, we fed all the dead flesh to this horrendous replacement monster.

5 50ft Titanoboas, welded firmly onto the superstructure of a colossal 50 ton dump truck, the wheels of which are configured to either attract or repulse metal surfaces in order to maneuvre in unpredictable gravity. All 5 titanoboas are fitted with mining lasers and reinforced mouths, while the truck unit mounts three trebuchets, operated by targeting systems and loaded with ammo including acids, plasma charges and Spiders™. Ancient Greek ingenuity and the magic of Spiders™ will ensure that tomorrow will be a night to remember.

Fun fact about Spiders: Did you know? Spiders™ can be a valuable supplement to the human diet, and should be consumed at least eight times a day."

Result: A shot to the face leaves Chompa weakened, and Star Truck assured of its victory. However, Champa quickly escapes before Star Truck can get in range, and quickly cleaves through Star Truck with his lightsabres, killing him.

Round 2 Fight 3:

Wolf Patrol:
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Trilobike:
http://zoofights.squarespace.com/storage/zoofights4_images/r2_f3/trilobike.JPG?__SQUARESPACE_CACHEVERSION=1269871502399

Result: The fight here is done in the form of a race. After Wolfbike manages to get a lead by jumping off of Trilobike's head, the trilobite bike nearly falls into a chasm and loses by default... But he quickly sheds most of his heavy armor, and rocket jumps back up to the track. Trilobike quickly catches up with Wolfbike, and even gets a lead. Wolfbike manages to grab onto one of Trilobike's antenna, and thrusts himself to victory! However, Wolfbike declares that he's exiting the tournament, leaving Trilobike with the ultimate victory.

Round 2 Fight 4:

The Delegation (Again):
http://zoofights.squarespace.com/storage/zoofights4_images/r2_f4/fight1.jpg?__SQUARESPACE_CACHEVERSION=1269947884661

Psynoceros:
"Every brain in Berlin Zoo wired into a monstrous Psy-cannon, amped up with vast amounts of crackling energy, and reinforced to mount a telekinetic opposition to The Delegation. And that's a whale brain at the end of the gun.

Apart from that, old Kriegbehemot is now virtually a land battleship, ironclad and armed with multiple conventional weapons turrets."

Result: It's revealed that The Delegation is actually multiple squids. Psynoceros fights through them, and finds the true Delegation: A massive squid beast that was hiding in the mists of Jupiter. Before a fight can even begin, The Delegation, now calling itself Seanet, reveals they are looking for a specific fighter, and leave, giving Psynoceros the match by default.


Losers' League Royal Rumble Contestants:

The Shaolin Monk(ey):
"The Yeti has realized that violence is not the answer. The answer, it would seem, is a super form of violence made popular by the Shaolin monks. While we were asleep, he returned home to study the ancient arts of his ancestors, homing his craft to a deadly level. Now, instead of guns ablazing, the Yeti has come to a much gentler approach of ancient weapons that are equally effective of killing people. He wanted to keep the chainsaws, though. Said it reminded him of days gone by. As for the Nerf gun, he's yet to use it in battle and to be frank, it scares some of us as to what it might really be."

Elohim:
"All creation comes from destruction. Upon his victory over Tsar Bumble, Centipope jettisoned the battered corpse he was inhabiting and took the pupal stage of the being that would become Elohim.

Even after being ripped in two, Centipope managed to crawl into the headless carcass of the newly emerged arthropoid queen nymph, and survive there. Nourished by the parasite that latched onto it in deep space and gave it its feverish religious convictions, it has grown and merged with the otherwordly corpse to create Elohim: a thirty foot high beast somewhere between a moth, an octopus and a centipede, among other things. Intoxicated by the arthropoid's surging pheromones and exotic alien glands, the parasite and its centipede host are deep in the grip of a divine euphoria. It thinks it is god so much that it is conjuring flickers of blue flame and giving the audience headaches, and is considerably larger than all of its opponents."

The Penguin:
"You can't kill The Penguin.
The Penguin will live on.

For all of you who thought he'd return, you're right! Apparently we didn't kill him hard enough, so he decided to come join us in the free for all. He's just chillin there, with his sunglasses. He's just a bad ass and wants to shoot some stuff in the face."

Wrasslopod:
"The music industry can be tougher than the world of competitive modified beasties fighting one another. Wrasslopod nearly had a Top 20 hit, but the fine print in his contract had some band no one had ever heard of before that one song but that wasn't a mutated lobster claim ownership and skyrocket to the top of the charts. We found him in Elizabeth, New Jersey, drunk and high on cocaine. We've cleaned him up and made him realize that there's really only ever been one thing that he's good at: wrestling. And now he's back with a vengeance, ready to take no prisoners With a soundtrack by Bruce Springsteen, Ezekiel Zoidinski is the Wrasslopod"

Raptorcycle:
"Have you ever seen what a spaceship jammed with cold hard cash looks like? I mean, something where floor to celling, it's nothing more that a load of cash. Unmarked, non sequential bills of multiple denominations and multiple currencies that's so deep that you can physically swim in it. Remember Ducktails? How Scrooge MacDuck had his moneybin that he used to go diving in?

Yeah, well that, but with cash.

The Chinese and Greek teams came to us, after being told by the Czech team about Wolfbike (who is once again MIA... lazy Czech designers), and gave us a spaceship that had one thing in its cargo bay: Raptorcycle. It's built from the remains of Star Truck and Battleopteryx, and beneath the sleek exterior is an arsenal of weaponry, including two of Star Truck's plasma/laser snake heads, a compliment of missiles that fold out, miniguns, a swivel canon, and Battleopteryx's head grafted into the front portion of the bike itself which is tucked away until battle mode is activated.

Seriously. There was a metric fuckton of cash in this spaceship. Turning this guy down would have just been selfish on our part."

The Walrus (Once more):
"He doesn't need any of your goddam help. While these other nambys have been upgrading their weaponry to make sure they can kill one another fancy style, he run on one simple premise: He can do this job efficiently with less weapons and less pomp. One gun. As much amno as he needs. And a big fucking knife.

You may have notice he's refused any serious medical attention from the last fight. Who needs it? Some beer cans and duct tape patch you right up. And if that Japanese creature comes back looking for him, oh, this time he's in for a fight. He's not blinded by video games anymore. Bring it on."

Result: Elohim gets a very clear advantage, being a god monster and all. When the rest of the competitors are either killed or about to be killed, WOLFBIKE RETURNS! This time aided by two more bike hybrids, Cheetahbike and Dogbike! The remaining contestants ride the Zoobikes to Elohim, in an attempt to take him down for good!

However, Elohim is still a god, and these are slapped together animal creatures riding even more slapped together animal bikes. He kills them off easily, leaving only The Walrus. Who is promptly vaporized.


Round 3 Contestants:

Round 3 Fight 1:

Ned Killy:
"First on the bill, the Australian contender has undergone heavy augmentation, centred around the installation of a hypercharged ion drive looted from the wreckage of Star Truck. Armoured in toughened steel boilerplate, Ned Killy is equipped with twin machine guns loaded with uranium shells, two pairs of side-mounted laser projectors, and a crackling electromagnetic field capable of discharging tesla bolts. Reinforced dramatically, this voracious predator has been honed into a living hunter-killer drone."

Tangaloa:
"But Ned is not the only colossal marine predator on the cards tonight. With their abyssal champion suffering massive trauma from the loss of his eyes and sense organs, the South Pacific team removed his brain and nervous system, and implanted them into the skull of a vast sperm whale. With his exoskeleton massively built up to withstand his thirty ton weight, Tangaloa now packs a titanic magma cannon and a freshly hewn Moai club to complement his raw strength. With every tooth in his mouth a sacred tabua belonging to one of Unified Polynesia's chieftains, he has become a vengeful avatar for his nation."

Result: Ned Killy enters Mars' atmosphere, engines at full thrust. He moves faster than a bullet as he travels towards the surface. Tangaloa, refusing to get out of the way, is struck right through his body by Ned Killy, leaving a massive wound. Tangaloa makes one last move, attempting to fill Ned's impact crater with lava, but Killy quickly destroys the whale's mech suit, leaving it vulnerable for its heart to be ripped out.

Round 3 Fight 2:

Overlord:
"With his new rocket fuselage strengthened and bolted into a reinforced airframe, Trilobike has been upgraded to a formidable high-speed gunship. Although emblazoned with national insignia and awarded a brass replica of Lord Kitchener's Moustache, he retains his unguessable invertebrate will, plus his heat ray eyes and Machine guns. To this arsenal has been added a pair of guided air torpedoes, a rack of strike missiles, and two heavy bombs, as well as a lethally fast neural system augmentation, calibrated with a single drop of Nelson's blood."

Dred Zeppelin:
"Spooked from their encounter with Seanet, the Prussians have worked ceaselessly since their battle to turn their contender into a gargantuan weapons platform. Toiling round the clock with an ever growing army of scientists and engineers, they have built Psynoceros into a heavily armoured fighting craft, loaded with a double broadside of eight 5-inch calibre guns and two forward-mounred artillery pieces, plus an armoured psychic bioreactor. The reactor amplifies the power of the sperm whale brain used in last round's cannon, and projects it through Dred's horn as a physical force. When we called them to battle, the German team still had their chimpworked labour drones working on Dred to instal a second gundeck. We called a halt to their work, but let the dome-headed chimps stay aboard to defend their ship with wrenches and spanners."

Result: An aerial battle for the ages! Overlord manages to knock Dred Zeppelin's psy-reactor, preventing it from using its psychic powers. However, before overlord drops the final bomb onto the rhino, the chimps working inside him fix the reactor! Dred Zeppelin grabs hold of Overlord's bombs using his telekinesis, and tosses them back at the surprised Overlord, killing him.


FINAL ROUND, NED KILLY VS DRED ZEPPELIN:

The fight starts not with the finalists, but with Elohim and Seanet's own feud. Having found the one they were looking to kill, Seanet begins to tussle with the giant god moth, godly lights shining throughout the spaceship and causing both wonderful and horrible miracles to happen.

The contestants themselves quickly start fighting, which eventually leaves the arena and goes throughout the rest of the ship. Eventually, they end up in the bar, killing off a number of patrons (Including Strong Bad) while the rest run for their lives. However, Elohim's godly waves hit them, causing a bar brawl of epic proportions to explode!

Meanwhile, the ship's defense mechanants are attempting, and failing, to fight off the Seanet invaders.

Ned Killy and Dred Zeppelin quickly move to the ship's engine, where the fight becomes a bit slower. After a nasty ramming attack from the rhino, they are moved to the reactor core of the station... powered by previous contestant, BISONTRAIN, who has now become BISONCORE!

Elohim and Seanet continue their fight, the psychic squid nearly victorious. In the face of certain defeat, Elohim turns his godly lights onto Jupiter itself, igniting the planet and transforming it into a second sun! The two are engulfed by it, ending the god war. Back on the ship, the all of the ship's stabilizers have been destroyed, leaving it to drift into the new sun.

Ned Killy and Dred Zeppelin form a pact to save the ship!

Except they don't and Ned quickly smacks Dred in the face with a girder, leaving him open for an attack to his weak underbelly. Killy tears through the rhino's flesh, but is suddenly shocked by a last ditch attack from Dred Zeppelin. This goes badly for the psychic rhino blimp, as Ned's ion drive is pushed beyond its maximum, causing Dred to explode, and leaving Ned as the winner.

The ship is still falling into the sun, however, leaving Ned Killy for dead. However, an arcade machine, specifically one for A New Zealand Story, is flung from Dred Zeppelin's remains. the ghostly spirit of The Walrus emerges from it, and content with the revelation of Seanet, the ones who caused the nuclear war that destroyed New Zealand, activates the ship's REACTOR EJECT button.

Bisoncore is flung from the ship and into the sun, creating a shockwave that is strong enough to push most of the debris out of the sun's gravity and into its orbit, saving most of the passengers on board. Ned Killy rides the waves of the explosion, surviving and officially being declared KING OF BEASTS!