Taunting Artist 2008

-Liv 2008

Inside my head there is an artist, and She is slowly driving me insane.
At first, I would only see her from time to time, year to year.
But now “She” refuses to leave, She is there all the time every day.
However, I cannot reach her through the thick impasse that is my mind.
All the same, I can see her clear as day, and She taunts me with what I could be,
What I could do, what I could create. I then try and fail to make thought real,
and the more I try the worse I feel. I fail, then flop, then fail some more. Its becoming
more then I can endure. I can see what I want to make, hear what I want to play, and feel
what I want the piece to convey. Nothing. Nothing happens, or rather what is
produced is like a cheap imitation and in some cases even less then that.
Its like trying to talk with 10 words or draw using erasers on a blank page.
And all the while She is there taunting me. Encouraging me with false promises, and
empty praise. What I would do to just once bring Her creations to this plane.
Instead I am here. Me. That's all there is, is this disconnected person, parading about like
artist. While all the while she is suffering because She knows that she is capable of more.
Why must the gap between my mind and my hand be so great. I feel as though I
am on stage and doing nothing. But all the people clap when I want them to cry.
They scream when I want them to laugh, And I cry regardless.  I cry for reality, for vision
for talent. Perhaps She is only a figment of my imagination.
Maybe figment and reality really are incompatible.
Maybe I should just stop?
Maybe she should just live in my head, and be quiet about it.
Maybe I should tell myself a little white lie, to make it easier.
Or maybe, just maybe, this will all pay off someday.
All the struggle, failure, and pain will build up and fill the gap that separates me from Her.
Or maybe I am already on the other side, and this is all there is.
I am.
She is.
We are,
Separate...