Shitty Spider Stories

The Spiderpeople Meet Aunt May:



Noir was the first to come to Aunt May’s house. At first, she thought he was a fan, some cosplayer coming to pay his respects, but when he took off his mask, she saw the spitting image of her nephew in black and white. She was speechless, her mouth agape. She composed herself and wrapped him in the tightest hug she could muster. Noir was confused but returned the hug.

“Hi, Aunt May.”

She invited him inside and brought him a cup of tea.

They drank their tea, or rather, May drank her tea. Noir’s gloves didn’t quite let him grab onto the handle. After a few minutes of failing to pick up the teacup, he let it be and they talked. May didn’t quite understand what he was talking about, asking where he was, what happened to New York, why everything looked so different.

Peni was next, SP//dr slamming on the pavement, leaving cracks up and down the driveway. Noir was outside in a second, jumping through the open window and putting himself between May and the giant robot. Peni stepped out of her robot sheepishly and began bowing up and down repeatedly while giant drops of sweat appeared, disappearing before they actually hit anything. Noir didn’t drop his fists until May placed a hand on his shoulder and gave him a look.

“Do you want to come inside for some tea darling?”

That got her attention, SP//dr’s face lit up as Peni’s eyes widened.

“Yes please!”

They turned to go inside when they heard a groaning noise coming from an indiscernible direction. Immediately, Noir pushed the young girl behind him and assumed a boxer’s stance.

“Come out and face me like a man, you big palooka! I’ll play you like a grand piano!”

“I… take offense to that, good sir.”

The voice was high pitched and muffled, SP//dr’s face made a twisted face as it got up and revealed another spider...thing. It was wearing the suit at the very least, but it was portly and short. Not to mention flat as a piece of paper, crushed under the giant robot.

“I am neither a man nor a palooka! I’m Peter Porker: Spider-Ham!”

‘Spider-Ham’ offered his crushed flat hand to Noir. The detective dropped his fists again, tilting his head in confusion.

Aunt May, on the other hand, was completely nonplussed.

“Why don’t I put on a fresh pot before the entire driveway is full of Spiderpeople?”

Everyone turned and followed May inside, even Ham, who peeled himself off the ground, shakily getting to his feet.

“Just... give me a minute to collect myself…”

He stuck his thumb in his mouth and blew air into it until he was his regular three-dimensional self again, and waddled inside with everyone else.

“Hey, wait up! I’ll take some milk and two sugars!”




Noir Comforts Peni:




Pow! Bam! Biff!

The mooks fell one after the other to his fists. And two of them when their heads slammed together.

Noir rubbed his hands together, looking over the catwalk at the insanity happening below. The collider was going crazy, dimensions falling apart at the seams. Multicolored neon lights cut through the air, and Noir wished he had learned more colors off that ‘rube-icks’ cube. He didn’t have the words to describe what he was witnessing.

The sound of metal clanging against bone caught his attention, and he saw that little spidergirl from the other dimension swing a broken piece of robot at an attacker. He was there in a Thwip, but by the time Noir landed, she was out of danger.

“Attagirl! You showed that goof what’s wh- Hey… kid, what’s wrong?”

Peni’s eyes filled with tears, and she let the metal fall to the ground. Behind her, Noir saw that the wreck lying there was the robot doohickey she rode around in.

“SP//dr… it- it was my father’s…” She sniffed, wiping her nose on her sleeve, “and it broke...”

“Aw, kid…” Noir didn’t know what to say. Being the Spiderman prepared him to fight against impossible odds and never give up, but making a crying girl feel better was not in his wheelhouse.

They stood there for a second, the multiverse collapsing around the two of them as Peni held back her tears. Noir sighed, awkwardly placing a hand on her head.

“Look, kid, I don’t know much about your pops, but I’m sure if he were here, he’d just be glad you’re safe.”

Peni stiffened under his touch, and Noir froze, worried he’d spooked her even worse, but when she looked up her eyes were as big as saucers, tears flowing down her face freely now. Noir melted when she grabbed his hand and held it against her cheek.

“...c’mon let’s blow this juice joint.”

Noir offered her his arm, and she nodded, hanging off the crook of his elbow as he swung them both up to the rafters and out of harm’s way.





Fuck If I Know When This Would Happen But I Want To Write A Peni Sleeping On the Couch Story:





“And this one is, hrm. Yello-no, blue!”

Peter Porker looked up from his comically oversized newspaper to glance at the toy Noir was shoving in his face.

“Eeyup. That’s as blue as the day is long. Speaking of…” Pocketing the paper, Spider-Ham stood up from his seat and yawned, “I’m gonna hit the hay. Which is different from eating the hay, which I no longer do, because I found out I am allergic to hay a few years ago.”

Noir didn’t look up from the cube, “Sure, sure, I’m gonna stay here and try to work on this a little.”

“Well, don’t hurt yourself trying. G’night!”

“Night.”

Thirty minutes passed and Noir held the cube up to the kitchen light. He had an entire face of the cube covered in one solid color. Orange, maybe. Proud of his progress, he nodded to himself and headed into the living room.

He froze when he saw Peni curled up in a ball on the couch, SP//dr lying on the ground next to her, the screen showing three Z’s instead of a face.

“Hey, you.”

The robot opened one of its ‘eyes’ and looked at Noir.

“She been sleeping here long?”

Noir wasn’t sure how a machine could shrug, but whatever the damn doohickey did, it looked like a shrug, followed by the screen returning to the three Zs once more.

“...look at you kid, you’re freezing.”

Sure enough, Peni had drawn her legs as close to her body as possible, probably because her skirt did to protect her from the cold.

“What kinda rags are those anyways…” Pulling off his overcoat, Noir draped it over her sleeping figure. Peni mumbled something in her sleep but buried her face into the collar without a fuss.

“Heh.”

Noir chuckled to himself, silly girl’d catch a cold without him to watch over her, what was she doing out here anyways?

Peni’s face scrunched up and she frowned in her sleep.

“Bad dream, kid?” He brushed the hair out of her face and she seemed to calm down.

“Mmn. Pa...pa…”

Dreaming of her old man, eh? Well, there are worse things to see in your sleep. Maybe he’d stay here and watch over her, make sure she’s not alone when she wakes up. Well, alone with her little robot friend. He could just take the space next to her on the couch, she was so small. He was feeling a little tired himself, maybe if he just closed his eyes… for a second… not too long...

Aunt May was the first up that morning, and when she stepped down for a cup of coffee she found Noir asleep on the couch wearing his spidersuit, sans jacket. Peni was using that as a blanket, and his lap as a pillow, clutching his hand in hers. She smiled and went about her morning quietly, not wanting to wake the two of them up.