Takeshi's Challenge

>be me, Bonky
>i'm with my friend Pickle Homer
>we wiped out at Takeshi's Castle
>Pickle Homer busted open his knee several times
>it had to be rebuilt
>i fractured my ribs and i lost a testicle
>it's just gone
>it wasn't torn out
>didn't slip out through a cut
>it didn't slide back inside
>it just vaporized
>it was an awesome day
>but now we're looking to sue
>we call our lawyer in California
>they say she's in hawaii
>we call her number in hawaii
>they say she's in Montenegro
>we call the bar in Montenegro
>they say she's been turned into a vampire
>we say we know she's our lawyer
>they say she's no longer human
>we say we know she's our lawyer
>they say she's a tremendous danger to us
>we say we know she's our lawyer
>we ask them if they'll just please tell her to contact us if she shows up
>we hang up
>we've tried everything and we've given up
>we wheel ourselves to the cat cafe
>i don't actually need a wheelchair
>but i stole it in a moment of spontaneity
>so i feel i need to put it to use
>we're drinking some chai tea
>it's all full of cat hair
>it tastes so bad i have to turn my hat backwards
>makes it somehow better
>the cats here are not nice
>they are a nuisance
>and to make matters worse
>they're all fixed with microphones
>and there are speakers everywhere
>so all their little insistent and indignant meows
>are amplified
>the waitress is singing karaoke
>but she's just doing cat sounds
>the effect, in sum, is...
>...it's very bad on the nerves.
>i'm not going to lie.
>i don't leave bad reviews.
>and i don't send food back.
>and i guess we keep returning here, but.
>i guess i just assumed pickle homer really likes this place
>i ask him if he really likes this place
>he says it's a kind of hell he endures because he knows i like it.
>i say i do.
>if he's been putting up the fight this long
>,like i have,
>then i want him to feel like he's winning.
>a man in a black suit arrives
>he has an off white tie that is folded into a crisp xylophone pattern
>he introduces himself as Riki Harakawa
>he gives us his card
>he says that Mr. Takeshi Kitano
>,also known as Beat Takeshi,
>of Takeshi's Castle fame,
>has been hit in the head with a golfball
>and his mind
>is now on par
>with that of an 8 year old.
>our jaws drop
>just then Beat Takeshi passes by with his 8 year old mind
>pickle homer shoots out of his seat
>i run after him
>we start following Beat Takeshi
>he's just wandering town
>it's starting to get late
>there's a wonderful island breeze passing over everything
>but...
>he's wandering into Roppongi!
>Riki told us he has the mind of an 8 year old!
>do you think this is a gag?
>do you think we're on television?
>he can get hurt in this part of town!
>"there are lots of bars here" i say to pickle homer
>he nods, sagely
>"there are a lot of toughs in bars," he says.
>and pickle homer knows these things.
>at that moment
>a group of toughs exit a _Hackers themed bar
>they're all dressed like neo
>they start hassling Mr. Takeshi
>Pickle Homer assures me
>he says it's okay
>he has everything under control
>he rushes one of the toughs
>the tough drops his bottle and flies into a rage
>Homer charges into him
>the tough kicks him in the ribs!
>they both beat the crap out of each other
>basically i'm in henchmen mode
>i'm moving my arms around a lot
>bouncing up and down like a boxer
>pickle homer defeats the toughs
>i go back to an idle animation
>we continue up the street
>more toughs come out
>this time it's a soviet themed bar!
>they're dressed in heavy russian wool
>pickle homer says it's okay
>he says he has this
>he rushes the toughs
>i move around a lot
>i act like i'm getting the kinks out of my shoulders and elbows
>pickle homer defeats the soviets
>we continue up the street
>another bar
>a group of schoolgirls walk out
>pickle homer says it's okay
>he says he's got this
>he charges the schoolgirls
>he piledrives each of them
>i say pickle homer i don't think they're putting up a fight
>people are pouring out of the nearby bars and restaurants and hotels
>pickle homer is fighting all of them
>he's fighting every last man, woman, and child in tokyo
>i ask myself how this man could possibly have lost Takeshi's Challenge
>"It's rigged."
>i turn around
>it's Mr. Takeshi.
>i say "...w-what?"
>"It's rigged. that's how come nobody wins." he says, smoking a cigarette
>i look back at mr. pickle homer
>he's fighting all of tokyo
>"oh." i say.
>i look back at mr. Takeshi
>"Riki told us you have the mind of an eight year old." I said
>he nods
>he takes a drag from his cigarette
>"japanese eight year old," he clarifies
>he flicks the cigarette in my face
>"still smarter than american." he says
>he walks away
>it's getting dark in tokyo
>i can only see the silhouettes
>fighting in the neon lights