shep

ShepLast Sunday at 10:01 AM
Short answer first though: I just wanna be friends for the time being. If (and that's a big if) a relationship is ever rekindled, that will be a very very very long ways down the road, when she and I have both had plenty of time to grow as individuals.
actually, that's kinda it, I guess. Sorry, my brain has a lot of thoughts rattling around in it, and it felt like more of them were related to that, but I guess not :stuck_out_tongue:
ZenLast Sunday at 10:03 AM
ah ok i see that makes sense
you might want to say that to her if you felt the power
i think she's feeling like she's out of the loop
ShepLast Sunday at 10:15 AM
That's the problem though, is that I feel like I can't tell her anything outright without it turning into some big melt-down. I can't deal with people in crisis very well (which is why I never had the support role on Haven except for the one time, very early on) and when someone's crisis involves me, I tend to just shut down, even when I don't necessarily want to. And I've tried to encourage her to find more resources to help her deal with crises, like the crisis text line, area-x, and I'm sure her counselor could recommend more, but it seems like I'm the only one she has to come to with crises, and that is really exhausting. She gets upset when I don't talk to her about my troubles and issues, but there's a lot to why I don't do that. 1) I think it's unfair for me to bring my issues to her when I've asked her to not bring her's to me; 2) I don't use my friends to help me solve my issues, I have a more professional support net for that (like the crisis text line and my counselor); and 3) When I do bring something troubling me to her, even if I'm just trying to keep her updated on what's going on with me, she seems to make it about her, and she gets upset. (ex: I had a ketamine infusion on friday, it didn't go very well, left me very emotionally troubled. I had already set up a counseling appointment for saturday, and made sure I wouldn't be alone before then. I was VC'ing with her, and (I feel) very calmly told her it hadn't went well, and then she started crying and asked if it didn't go well because of her)
She constantly insists that I can bring my issues to her, but any time I try to do that in the slightest way, she overreacts in the worst ways. I know I'm not perfect by any means, but we are at 2 very different places in our journeys with BPD and MI in general, and if I'm going to continue to get better, I can't be in a relationship with someone who's at such a different stage. I'll try and talk to her about this later though, but right now she's getting ready for a photo shoot which she's been looking forward to, I don't want to spoil the day for her so soon if I try and talk to her about this.
(Sorry for the giant wall of text)
ZenLast Sunday at 10:17 AM
i got you
maybe i can talk to her a bit so you don't have to
if that would be something you'd like
i don't think she'd meltdown on me
ShepLast Sunday at 10:19 AM
I don't want to ask you to do that, because that's not fair to you, but if you want to, I won't stop you, I would just ask that you wait until later, idk when her photoshoot is done, but like I said, she's been looking forward to it for a while, I don't want to upset her during it.
ZenLast Sunday at 10:19 AM
i honestly think she'd be happier just knowing, but that's my take
i just don't want to meddle if it makes you uncomfortable
ShepLast Sunday at 10:21 AM
I appreciate that. I'll talk to her later though. Thanks for the advice. (and the ear/screen to vent to :bloblamp:)