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Stelliferous' High-Priority Thoughts as of 5 July 2018

a guest Jul 5th, 2018 110 Never
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  1. High Priority Thoughts
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  3. - [ ] Our transsexual visions and desires
  4. - [ ] Our having began feeling yesterday that our *reading-of-text* internal collective (and a year ago and more, singlet) mind-voice, whose cadence and timbre and inflection and overall feeling we could never place precisely, is in fact and has in fact always been, since its beginning around physical-age 6 years +/- 1 year, feminine
  5. - [ ] The fact that two of us, Felix and William, became Felisïa and Chava two-ish days ago (we can't even remember exactly when! for something as monumentally-seismic in significance as this! what is *wrong* with our memory consolidation?!) with the smooth-machinery-gearbox-catching-correctly mental feeling and instantaneous-new-reality which felt to us two days ago to have occurred with the exact same valences and mental "tastes" or tags or feelings as what we feel was our emergence in January, which contrary to "emergence"'s connotations began and was over in mere seconds
  6. - [ ] The fact that although we maintained mostly-uninterrupted continuity of personalities and existences for over five months, since January, that ever since ... a few years ago, we think (we aren't really sure) ... our belief system(s) and personality/ies and emotionality-metastability-points have been in flux with periods of stability of a year or less
  7. - [ ] - [ ] - [ ] How to pursue morphological freedom
  8. - [ ] - [ ] A thought we had a few weeks ago during one of our low-low mood phases, that perhaps it isn't worth pursuing bodily separation since we all already know each so well and can basically form new sentient agents in this brain on a whim, with a second's effort; namely, that if any one of separated into a new brain or some other medium of mind, that at this point we might be fractal – might inevitably reinstantiate everyone else wherever any one of us goes – and would be back to square one, or worse with some copies having bodies they want and others being reinstantiations in bodies they don't particularly want
  9. - [ ] - [ ] - [ ] - [ ] - [ ] - [ ] - [ ] - [ ] - [ ] - [ ] - [ ] - [ ] - [ ] - [ ] - [ ] - [ ] The fact that ever since all of us but Liam and Clear identified as female, that we have experienced both the relief from and a strange missing of how quadrapedal-flank-and-haunch shape used to aesthetically arrest us and be just ... existentially-intoxicating, as if on the plane of existence itself there could be no higher nor better aesthetic; namely, the fact that that intoxication from years ago – from ever since that dog Kate gave us our first experience of sexual attraction to another living being – has left us; but also feeling bereft of a familiar thing
  10. - [ ] - [ ] - [ ] - [ ] - [ ] - [ ] The fact that we really *don't*, and never really have, felt as if we live and breathe and exist for code and to code, as the current nation-wide and nearly-global software-development culture exists (in our perception at least); that, rather, we instead sometimes enjoy coding, when and only when a problem interests us; otherwise to us it is a mere tool
  11. - [ ] - [ ] - [ ] - [ ] - [ ] - [ ] - [ ] - [ ] - [ ] - [ ] - [ ] - [ ] - [ ] - [ ] - [ ] - [ ] - [ ] - [ ] - [ ] - [ ] - [ ] - [ ] - [ ] - [ ] - [ ] - [ ] - [ ] - [ ] - [ ] - [ ] - [ ] - [ ] - [ ] - [ ] - [ ] The fact that rather, we instead can hyperfocus on system administration and system configuration and software installation for hours or day at a time, but as far as we know this is much less conducive to a well-off career, much less pleasing you or pleasing friends who wish to eventually work on software development projects with us, much less in creating a Friendly Artificial Generally Intelligent Agent to save the world from burning down (metaphorically or literally) and to end Death, for a start
  12. - [ ] - [ ] - [ ] - [ ] - [ ] - [ ] - [ ] - [ ] - [ ] - [ ] - [ ] - [ ] - [ ] - [ ] - [ ] - [ ] - [ ] - [ ] - [ ] - [ ] What we should and shouldn't tell our therapist in the upcoming intake appointment about ourselves, our situations, our escape plans, our employment/school/escape trilemma
  13. - [ ] - [ ] - [ ] - [ ] - [ ] - [ ] - [ ] - [ ] - [ ] - [ ] - [ ] - [ ] - [ ] - [ ] - [ ] - [ ] - [ ] - [ ] - [ ] - [ ] - [ ] - [ ] - [ ] - [ ] - [ ] - [ ] The fact that a couple of weeks ago we rediscovered a professionally-designed and -circulated neurologist's symptomatic assessment of reported patient symptoms for diagnosing epilepsy, and our filled in responses to it; and in particular, that apparently we had been reporting brutally honestly to ourselves and to the document, and that if it is accurate as a diagnostic instrument for epilepsy then we might have severe epilepsy with seizures of which we are occasionally aware but usually unaware
  14. - [ ] - [ ] - [ ] - [ ] - [ ] - [ ] - [ ] - [ ] - [ ] - [ ] - [ ] - [ ] - [ ] - [ ] - [ ] - [ ] - [ ] - [ ] - [ ] - [ ] - [ ] The fact that the more stories we hear in-person or read or read online or hear or watch online of people recounting their own memories, the more we realize that we just never seem to encode, to create in the first place, the level of detail of autobiographical episodic memory by which most people appear to measure humanity and sapience itself as higher than non-Great Ape mammal or other animal or other organism consciousness
  15. - [ ] The fact that each time we reflect on being seemingly unable to so encode autobiographical memories, the sadder we feel, and the less deserving or worthy-of-bothering we feel—after all, what is experience between friends or especially lovers if one party's non-semantic memories of those experiences are rapidly wiped away, with even autobiographical semantic memory not lasting nearly as long as other people depict with their stories?
  16. - [ ] The fact that the less sleep we get, the better our memories of the day previous remain in vividity, and the stronger our memories feel of the day previous to the day before sleep deprivation; that is, that contrary to all known neurological and psychological research we can find, sleep *doesn't* serve as memory consolidation for us, but rather as memory fraying *at best*, and utter **irretrievability** at worst
  17. - [ ] Wondering what the fuck happened to us in our past(s) to **invert the role of sleep for us from memory consolidation to memory erasure**
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