[oneshot] German ponies

Feb 27th, 2016
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  1. "Hey, Rainbow!"
  2. >"Oh, hi Anon. Was läuft?"
  3. >Again with their weird language.
  4. >You just want to converse with someone again, not just exchange random sounds and gestures.
  5. "Sorry, Rainbow, still not understanding you."
  6. >Why do you keep trying to engage them?
  7. >The multichromatic pony looks at you, a sad grin on her lips.
  8. >"Oh ja, fast vergessen. Du verstehst uns immer noch nicht."
  9. "..."
  10. >"Hehe... peinlich."
  11. >Seriously, how hard could this be?
  12. >Their names are in fucking English!
  13. >"Hey! Vielleicht kann ich dir ja was beibringen!"
  14. >Anonymous: Lost in translation.
  15. >"Guck hier!"
  16. >Rainbow jumps into the air and darts away, trailing her signature spectral lines behind her.
  17. >After flying a wide circle, she lands next to you again, a wide grin on her face.
  18. >She looks at you with wide eyes and points towards the colors.
  19. "Yes, it's a rainbow, very clever.", you answer deadpan.
  20. >At the word 'rainbow', her eyes flash.
  21. >"Rainbow! Wie mein Name, ja?"
  22. >She points both hooves towards herself, then back at the rainbow.
  23. >"Yes, I know what you're fucking called, but YOU don't seem to know that that's part of a different language too."
  24. >She smiles and nods, excitedly pointing towards her namesake.
  25. >"Regenbogen."
  26. >Hmm?
  27. >"Regenbogen!", she says, more forcefully this time.
  28. "Ray-gen-bow-gen...", you repeat shakily.
  29. >"Genau! Gar nicht so schwer, was?"
  30. "Raygenbowgen"
  31. >"Na ja, immerhin fast.", she grins.
  32. >So rainbow means "regenbowgen" apparently.
  33. >Cool.
  34. >You smile back.
  35. >Maybe there is hope for your uneducated ass after all.
  36. >"Hey Anon, ich muss los. Wir sehn uns, okay?"
  37. >Looks like she's about to dash off again.
  38. "See ya, I guess. And thanks."
  39. >"Ich hoffe du lernst schnell. Ich will weiter mit dir reden damit ich dich ins Bett kriegen kann."
  40. >Rainbow smiles, so you smile back
  41. >And wave after her when she flies away.
  42. >Nice girl, that one.
  43. >You turn towards your home, silently repeating "regenbogen" to yourself.
  45. >So it appears that ponies really only know the German language, but certain words, like their names, exist in their English form as well.
  46. >It's all very confusing and not at all helping your situation.
  47. >Might as well just get something to eat.
  48. >The process of you buying food in this place usually consists of pointing at things or crudely doodling them on a piece of paper.
  49. >You make your way to one of your usual restaurants passing some random ponies here and there.
  50. >Some polite nods and you’re at the entrance of the place.
  51. >A glimmer of multicolored hair catches your attention from the corner of your eye, belonging to a blue Pegasus currently preoccupied by enjoying her sandwich.
  52. “Regenbogen!” you yell and wave excitedly at the startled pony.
  53. >Rainbow jerks her head upwards and so do some of the other customers at the sudden noise.
  54. >After a little bit of confusion and a slight blush, Rainbow waves you over and you take a seat next to her at the table.
  55. >“Schrei hier bloß nicht so rum, die sind hier etwas edler. ”
  56. “Yeah, nice to see you too. How’s it going?“
  57. >”Ich hoffe echt Twilight hat bald Zeit dir etwas auf die Sprünge zu helfen.”
  58. “Good. I’m alright too.“
  59. >Seems like you’re getting the hang of understanding pony body language enough to guess what they’re talking about.
  60. >Anonymous: Linguistics genius.
  61. “So what’s good here?”
  62. >As if on cue, a waiter approaches and looks at you expectantly.
  63. >”Was darf’s denn sein?”
  64. >You look to Rainbow still happily chewing her sandwich, which, upon closer inspection, seems to be filled with hay.
  65. >Maybe something a bit lighter for you…
  66. “Fruit salad?”
  67. >The waiter looks puzzled.
  68. >Well, what did you expect?
  69. “Gimme a second.”
  70. >You rummage around in your pockets, producing a pen and a wrinkled piece of paper.
  71. >With all your artistic integrity, you draw what could be interpreted as a bowl of various fruits.
  72. >Or maybe some sort of plant.
  73. >Or vomit.
  75. >He nods and trots off, hopefully with the right order in mind.
  76. >A couple of minutes and some uncomfortable silence later, he returns with a bowl of, who would have thought, fruits.
  77. >Nice.
  78. “Thanks”
  79. >You flash the waiter a big grin and he happily nods, taking his leave once again.
  80. >”Mahlzeit!” Rainbow says through her mouth full of hay.
  81. “Exactly.”
  82. >You begin to work at your meal, before coming to a startling realization.
  83. “Hey, this thing is like ninety percent apples.”
  84. >It's basically just cut up apples and a random piece of peach here and there, maybe one or two grapes.
  85. >”Man, ich wünschte echt ich könnt' dich verstehen.”
  86. “Yeah, this is outrageous. I pay for a fruit salad, I expect it to be made of more than one type fruit.“
  87. >”Du bist bestimmt echt nett. Und auch irgendwie süß. ”
  88. “You don’t get it do you? Too many fucking apples!“
  89. >”Ich will deinen Schwanz, Anon.”
  90. >It seems she’s not getting it, so you impale a piece of apple on your fork and hold it in front of her.
  91. “It’s all fucking Apples.”
  92. >”Huh? Äpfel?”
  93. “Exactly.”
  94. >You grudgingly munch on your APPLE salad, ignoring Rainbows dreamy stare into the distance.
  95. “Fucking Äpfels.”
  97. >You are Anonymous and you’re on a crusade for the freedom of choice concerning fruits in your diet.
  98. >You’ve come to realize how apples virtually make up the entirety of this town’s fruit supply, only challenged by the occasional cherry pie or strawberry milkshake.
  99. >It seems like someone, somewhere, has a firm hand on the fruit market and wants to keep it that way, flooding the town’s population with apples and apples only.
  100. >Language barrier or not, you won’t stand for this.
  101. >And you’ve managed to track the problem this far.
  102. >To the apple plantation on the outskirts of town, the whole place reeking of unspeakable evil.
  103. >And apples.
  104. >The place is huge, apple trees stretching row after row, field after field, all the way to the edges of the horizon.
  105. “My god.”
  106. >It’s worse than you thought, this is apple central.
  107. >You have to find someone in charge and stop this madness.
  108. “Hey! Come the fuck out and face the music!” you yell at a sudden speck of orange glistening between the trees.
  109. >A confused looking pony sticks its head out of the bushes, her eyes searching for whoever yelled into the orchard at the top of their lungs in an unfamiliar tongue.
  110. >She spots you and after a quick moment of pause, seems to recognize you and happily trots towards the ape-like madman between her apple trees.
  111. >”Hallo. Du bist Anon, oder? Rainbow hat mir schon von dir erzählt.” she says after coming within earshot.
  112. “Yeah yeah, whatever you’re selling, I’m not buying it. You’re the owner?“
  113. >“Freut mich auch dich kennenzulernen, ich bin Applejack.“
  114. >You didn’t quite get anything, but the word “Applejack” stands out.
  115. >That must be her name then.
  116. “I’m Anonymous, but you can think of me as the nightmare in your apple-infested dreamscape.”
  117. >“Sie hat mich also nicht veralbert? Du verstehst wiklich kein Wort deutsch?“
  118. “So listen, we got to talk about the apples.“
  119. >”Ich kann also sagen was ich will, hä?”
  120. >A smug grin spreads on Applejacks face.
  121. >You don’t like this horse.
  123. >”Ich bin eigentlich ein Hengst.”
  124. “...“
  125. >“Mein Bruder ist gleichzeitig mein Vater.“
  126. “...“
  127. >“Apple Bloom ist adoptiert.“
  128. >She’s outright laughing in your face now, wiping a few tears from the corners of her eyes with her hooves.
  129. >You knew there was something sinister about this place.
  130. >“Birnen sind in Wahrheit besser als Äpfel.“
  131. “Äpfel?“
  132. >Now you’ve got her.
  133. “Your fucking Äpfels are the reason I’m here you orange Jew. I can’t believe how impossible it is to get any decent fruit in this place because of you.“
  134. >“Hey, ganz ruhig, Partner. Du klingst als wärst du ziemlich sauer.”
  135. >She’s not laughing anymore.
  136. >Maybe she’s got the message?
  137. >“Ich hoffe mein kleiner Spaß hat dich nicht wütend gemacht. Ich hab’s nicht so mit dem Lügen, desshalb dachte ich, wenn du eh nichts verstehst kann ich ja ein bisschen rumalbern.”
  138. >This horse definitely talks too much, trying to pull you in with confusing sounds and making you an apple slave like the rest of them.
  139. >Too bad that won’t work on you, for you are too set on your quest for better fruit equality.
  140. “Okay, listen! No more Apples, alright?!”
  141. >“Ich kann schon verstehen, warum Rainbow so scharf auf dich ist. Du bist ja eigentlich ein ganz Hübscher.”
  142. >Rummaging in her Saddlebacks, Applejack pulls out an especially big and shiny apple and holds it out to you.
  143. >“Hier, ich wollt den eigentlich für später aufheben, aber du kannst ihn haben.”
  144. >A peace offering?
  146. >It is a fucking apple, yes, but it looks pretty damn juicy actually.
  147. >You can feel your mouth watering at the sight of it.
  148. “Alright, but just so we’re clear: cool it on the Äpfels, understood?” you say, taking the red fruit from her hooves.
  149. >”Oh, du magst Äpfel?”
  150. “Äpfels, exactly.”
  151. >”Na das ist ja toll. Ich werd‘ dir ein paar auf Vorrat halten. Lass mich wissen, wenn du mal den Apfelbaum schütteln möchtest, okay?”
  152. >With a wink, Applejack turns back towards her trees.
  153. >Looks like your job here is done, the message is received and the local folk can soon enjoy the perks of a free fruit market.
  154. >You make towards the town proper again, enjoying the delicious but pointless bribe from the Apfelpony.
  155. “Fucking apples.”
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