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- >Day Yarr in Equine-land
- >You are Anon.
- >Captain of the good ship 'Violator'
- >Rum state of affairs, no pun intended.
- >You were having the time of your life back on Earth. Being all Piratey n shit.
- >Then you go and get transported here because of some shaman you pissed off back in the day.
- >Said she would send you to a place as black and evil as the darkest recesses of your heart
- >Look around at the tranquil ocean, and your crew merrily singing along to an Equestrian sea shanty
- >"Come on every pirate, Smile smile smile! Fill our hearts up with sunshine sunshine!"
- >Sigh
- >This is terrible.
- >It truly is the most evil place imaginable
- >Your first mate prods your leg
- >Look down at her
- >"Umm, c-captain... T-the crew members are plotting something below deck... J-just so you know..."
- Mutiny! I didn't think they had it in 'em. Alright, First Mate Shy. Let's go.
- >You grin and unsheathe your sword, ready to split some heads and make a few examples
- >Trudge on down through the ship
- >Crew members whistle happily and laugh at their jokes
- >Pirates are meant to be happy, but this is ridiculous.
- >Half of them don't even understand the concept of piracy.
- >You think back to the first time you tried to do pirate stuff
- 1/?
- >Day Yarr minus 50 in Equine-Land
- >Flash a malevolent grin at the ship on the horizon
- >Put away your telescope and bellow to the crew below
- HOIST THE SAILS, LADS. WE'VE GOT SOME PILLAGIN' TA DO!
- >They all cheer and go about their jobs
- >They pull the cannons into position and heave on ropes
- >Like a well-oiled machine
- >Smile to yourself
- >They're an odd bunch. But they've got spirit.
- >You turn your attention to the ship you saw, getting closer
- >The ship catches the wind and speeds along the water towards it, ploughing through the waves
- >Your heart jumps at the thought of all that plunder
- >You might even get some more crew members
- >You look around your ship proudly
- >Gaze at the sails
- >The sails
- >THE SAILS.
- MISS FLUTTERSHY. GET HERE NOW!
- >The yellow Pegasus scrambles up the stairs and next to you, adjusting her eye-patch
- >She doesn't really have one eye. You just thought it looked good on her
- >She smiles weakly at you
- >"Y-yes, Captain?"
- WHY IS MY JOLLY RODGER... WELL. JOLLY?
- >You glare at the black sails
- >Your beloved skull and crossbones are surrounded by pink love hearts. The Skull has a large curved smile and happy looking eyes, instead of the gaunt visage that used to inspire fear in the hearts of men.
- >"W-well the other crew members and I thought it was a b-bit too dark... S-so we umm..."
- >She paws the deck with a hoof and looks up at you timidly
- >"...Changed it..."
- >Stare in disbelief at her
- >Lean down, casting a dark shadow over her
- >She takes a step back and trembles
- >"B-but it's a j-jolly Rodger!"
- It's heavily implied sarcasm, First Mate Fluttershy. When we're done here, we're changing it back.
- >Straighten up and look towards your prey
- >You can see ponies on the deck... Waving at you
- FLUTTERSHY!
- >"Y-yes, Captain?"
- Why are they waving at their coming demise?
- 2/?
- >"Umm... They probably think we're friendly, captain."
- But we're flying the flag of-
- >Look back at it
- >Smiles and love hearts
- Ah. Yes.
- >Clear your throat
- ALL HANDS! PREPARE TO FIRE!
- >The crew scurry around and man (pone) the cannons.
- >You draw up along the other ship, broadside
- >The captain of the other ship, an old looking Earth Pony with a fancy grey moustache and a blue hat on hails you
- >"Good day! Fine day for a cruise is it not?"
- Aye... Aye... That it i- OPEN FIRE!
- >The cannons explode, sending their deadly projectiles hurtling towards the other ship
- >You grin as the crew on the opposing vessel take all manner of punishment
- >Pillows. Teddy Bears... Wait
- >Gawp as your crew loads a vast array of fluffy objects into the cannons
- >A crewmember runs up to you, looking panicked
- >"CAP'N! WE'RE RUNNING LOW ON SOFT CUSHIONS!!"
- >Slap him
- >He yelps
- >Look down at Fluttershy
- >Slap her
- >She moans
- >Raise your voice and bellow at the crew below you, who are busy frantically stuffing pillows and gunpowder in the cannons
- WHAT IN THE SEVEN LAYERS OF HELL ARE YOU ALL DOING?!
- >A crew member shouts back at you
- >"Sending them presents, Captain!"
- WHY?!
- >"Because it's nice to receive gifts, Captain!"
- >Your eyes are bulging and your face red and contorted with rage
- >The other captain laughs
- >"Well thank you, friend! We'll put these here pillows to good use! I'm sure the crew will love them! We've all got bad backs, you know. Well, have a wonderful day!"
- >Their ship drifts away, leaving yours motionless
- >The crew pat themselves on the back and cheer, some of them hugging or hi-hoofing.
- 3/?
- >You grip the banister you were stood behind during it
- >Your knuckles are going white and you can barely contain your rage
- >You look over your shoulder at the other ship, sailing away into the distance
- >Turn back to the crew
- >Spot two ship-hands, both male, making out at the back
- >THAT'S IT
- AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!
- >The entire ship falls silent
- >They all stare at you, shocked
- WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?! WHAT THE ACTUAL HELL WAS THAT?!
- >They look at each other, puzzled, then back at you
- >"Sorry, captain?"
- DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE CONCEPT OF PIRACY?
- >"Well of course we do, sir. To spread happiness on the high seas!"
- NO, YOU INSOLENT DOG. TO SPREAD MISERY! PIRATES TAKE WHAT THEY WANT FROM OTHER SHIPS AND PLUNDER THE INNOCENT!
- >"That doesn't sound very nice..."
- IT'S NOT MEANT TO BE NICE! WE'RE PIRATES!
- >"When I signed up, I thought we would be doing nice things..."
- WE MET IN A FUCKING BAR IN THE DEAD OF NIGHT, AND THE SHIP IS CALLED THE VIOLATOR
- >"That's another thing. The other crew and I were thinking we should change the name of the ship. "Violator" is a bit aggressive..."
- YOU SPINELESS COWARD! HOW DARE YOU COME ON MY SHIP AND TRY AND ORDER ME AROUND!
- >A stallion stood next to the one talking starts crying
- >The talker pats him on the shoulder and scowls at you
- >"And stop shouting! You're making Tinky cry."
- >The crew mutters disapprovingly
- >Stare at the sky
- Why, god?
- >Look back down at the crew, who are all patting Tinky and shushing him
- >The talker speaks up again
- >"I think you should apologise to Tinky."
- >The crew agrees with him
- >You're aghast
- Apologise...
- >Fluttershy prods your leg
- >"It was very mean, mister..."
- 4/?
- >You growl and stomp down the stairs and stroll across the deck up to Tinky
- >He sniffles and looks up at you
- >You're literally twice the height of this guy
- >You glare at him for second
- mmzorry...
- >Talker speaks up
- >"That's not a proper apology, Captain."
- I said I'm sorry.
- >"Tinky"
- Tinky.
- >Tinky smiles and wags his tail
- >What the fuck.
- >"T-thank you, captain... You're forgiven."
- >He prances off, smiling and starts scrubbing the deck
- >This ship is your punishment for all the lives you ruined on Earth.
- >The Talker grins at you
- >"Well done, Captain!"
- >Glance at him
- What's your name, boy?
- >"Talker, captain."
- >FUCKING REALLY?
- Oh.
- >You stomp back to your wheel.
- >Fluttershy hovers up to your head and nuzzles your cheek
- >"You were so brave, Captain!"
- Oh yes. The way I apologised was amazing, wasn't it?
- >"Yes! It was!"
- >Using sarcasm
- >On Fluttershy
- >I seriously hope you guys don't attempt this
- 5/?
- >Back to the present, you're descending through the ship until you reach the hull
- >It's dark
- >You smirk and grip your sword
- >You can take them
- >Let them come-
- >"SURPRIIIIIISE!"
- >Candles flicker to life and crewmembers jump out from behind barrels, wearing party hats.
- >You scream like a girl and throw Fluttershy at them
- AMBUSH! HOLD THEM OFF, FLUTTERSHY!
- >You try to run back upstairs but a stampede of ponies rush down to meet you, carrying you with them back towards the ambushers
- >You're forced into a chair and a small table with a cake is pushed in front of you
- >You are so flabbergasted right now
- >The cake reads "Best Captain Ever"
- >It's written in pink icing
- >Where did they even get icing
- >First Mate Fluttershy happily pops a hat on your head and kisses you on the cheek
- >The crew d'awws
- >"H-happy Birthday, Captain!"
- >Birthdays
- >On a PIRATE SHIP
- Uhh, thanks. I guess. Now all of you get back to work, and get rid of this cake.
- >You try to stand
- >Several pairs of hooves push you back down
- >Talker laughs
- >"Nonsense, Captain! We must celebrate! We wouldn't be here were it not for you!"
- >You stare at him
- >God damn he's right.
- >You could be commanding a proper crew were it not for your lousy scouting skills
- >The ponies all start partying
- >Some of them playing instruments.
- >It's actually pretty good music
- >You find yourself tapping your foot while you eat the cake in a corner
- >You don't feel very captainy
- 6/?
- >Once the "Pirate Party" dies down you stumble back to your quarters
- >Faceplant onto the bed
- >You're so god damn drunk
- >And full of cake
- >Fucking Pony Pirate Parties.
- >Shortly after you collapse, you're enjoying the feeling of pillow on your face when you feel something trying to wriggle under your arm
- >Groan and move your face so that one eye can look out at the offender
- >Fluttershy is nudging your arm and trying to snuggle up next to you
- First Mate Fluttershy. What... What the h-hell are you doin'?
- >She hiccups and grins at you, blushing deeply
- >"D-do you want to plunder my booty, captain?"
- >Somewhere in the vast cosmos, a jimmy shifts out of place and you feel like what she just said was said someplace else at that exact same moment.
- >Shudder
- >Push her away
- No, Fluttershy. I gotta sleep. Captain's orders...
- >"B-but Captain... It's your b-birthday..."
- Go home, Fluttershy. You're drunk.
- >"So are you"
- Yeah but you're drunkerer.
- >"So am I"
- You are
- >"Yeah you are."
- I am
- >"You."
- I am so drunk
- >You both lose the ability to speak because of the alcohol and spend the next hour grunt and slurring your words at each other
- >"ssshffflllluuuugh" (Come on, Captain. Please partake in fornication with me.)
- Fllluuuubbbbbeerr sshluf naaaaahhhooo uuuuuuugh bububeh nuuuuuhhhheeeeshhhhfllluuu... (No)
- >You both pass out in each other's arms nonetheless. So technically Fluttershy won this one
- >Clever horse.
- 7/?
- >Day YaaaAAAAAARRGH THIS FUCKING HEADACHE in Equine-Land
- >Wake up with the mother of all headaches
- >Fluttershy is cuddled up to your chest, snoring
- >Push her off the bed and stumble out after her
- >She hits the floor and yelps, bolting awake
- >"HUH? WHAT?"
- Fuckin' First Fate Fluferfy
- >"S-sorry, Captain?"
- I said stand to attention, First Mate Fluttershy. My head is killing me.
- >"O-oh. Ok."
- Look. I'm really fucking hungover right now. Can you please run the ship for a while? Tell the crew I'm busy plotting important pirate stuff.
- >She salutes
- >"Aye aye captain"
- >She flies out the door, and you hear voices
- >"What's that Fluttershy? You slept with the Captain and now he's hiding in there because he's too ashamed and also his head hurts a bit so he's telling you to lie for him so that we don't think any less of him?"
- GOD FUCKING DAMMIT, FLUTTERSHY
- >You hear an ‘eep’, followed by the crew bellowing with laughter
- >Lie back on the bed and stare at the ceiling
- >You're a lousy captain.
- >All you want is to pillage and main
- >You haven't even used your sword since you got here
- >You're not even sure if it's made of metal.
- >Sigh
- >Think back to your days of actual pirating
- >Cannon-fire smoke
- >Screaming men
- >Wood being strained under pressure from high winds
- >Sword fights on the decks of foreign vessels
- >Plundering jewels and gold then hiding it away just for the sake of doing it
- >Being a pirate was fucking awesome
- >Here, you've "attacked" 4 ships and only ended up embarrassing yourself.
- >Fucking Shaman.
- 8/?
- >Listen closely for a second
- >Silence
- >Sit up
- >Strain your ears
- >Absolutely nothing
- >Suddenly a scream pierces the air
- >Jump off the bed and run to the door, sword in hand
- >Throw it open, just it time to watch a crew member get crushed by a giant tentacle and dragged off the side of the ship
- >SWEET SEMEN OF BARTENDERS
- KRAAAAAAAKEEEEEN!
- >The ship is surrounded by at least 8 massive tentacles, all waving around in the air
- >One of the slams onto the ship, narrowly missing a crewmate
- >It's utter panic
- >Crewmembers are running around in circles
- >Pegasi try to stab at the tentacles with harpoons
- >Some get too brave and get too close, only to get snagged in mid-air and pulled screaming into the ocean
- >You grimace and grip your sword even tighter
- >A smaller tentacle shoots near to you
- >You slice the air and cut straight through it before it reaches you, blood and ink spraying everywhere as the tentacle flails around
- Huh. I guess it IS metal.
- >A deep rumbling shudders the ship
- >Fluttershy appears at your side, looking haggard
- >"I-I think it felt that, C-captain"
- >A monstrous scream echoes around you
- >The tentacles become more agitated, and begin tearing at the ship
- >Giant pieces of wood are torn off your beloved violator
- >You look around frantically
- >You see several rowing boats
- MEN! TO THE BOATS! ABANDON SHIP!
- >They all surge towards them, and once again you get the feeling that you've done this before in another life
- >Fluttershy helps other onto the boats as you watch the Kraken pull your ship apart
- >You shed a tear
- 9/?
- >The crew drop into the sea on the boats and start rowing
- >Small crew, really. So they all get off fine, except the ones killed by the Kraken
- >You feel a tug on your leg, just as another blow rocks the ship
- >Look down and see Fluttershy
- >"C-come on, Captain! We have to g-go!"
- >Shake your head
- No, Fluttershy. A captain must always go down with the ship
- >She glares at you
- >"Oh no you don't, mister. I'm not letting the Kraken touch that sweet ass"
- WHAT-
- >She smacks you over the head with a plank of wood and you faceplant the deck before blacking out
- 10/?
- >Feel something slapping your face
- >Slowly come to
- >Tinky is gently slapping your face with a hoof
- >Push him away and sit up, just in time to see, from a distance, the Kraken crush your ship and drag it below the waves
- NO! THE VIOLATOR! IT'S BEEN... VIOLATED!
- >You stare in horror at where you beautiful vessel once was
- >Sit down and hold your face in your hands
- >Fluttershy pats you on the back
- >"There there, Captain. You'll live to plunder another day"
- >Turn on her
- WHAT PLUNDERING?! MY SHIP IS GONE, MY CREW AREN'T PIRATES AND I HAVEN'T GOT ANY GOLD TO MY NAME!
- >Slump
- I'm a terrible pirate...
- >Talker... talks.
- >"Now, Captain. That's no way to speak! You're a great pirate!"
- >Sniff
- Y-you r-really think so?
- >"Sure! So you lost your ship, big deal. We can get another ship!"
- >Wipe your nose
- C-can we steal it?
- >He smiles warmly
- >"Of course we can, Captain."
- >Beam at him and stand up
- WELL THEN, WHAT ARE YE WAITIN' FOR, YE SALTY SEA DOGS! FULL SPEED AHEAD! NEXT STOP! LAND!
- >The crew in your boat, as well as the others nearby, all cheer
- >You place your hands on your hips and look towards the horizon with a devilish grin
- >Things are finally looking up
- >And piracy awaits you on the open seas.
- 11/11
- The End
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