Never Have I Ever given a drunk tsundere footjob

[Scene: the military arrived earlier in the day. They have taken over protection of the church. Naomi is the only one who's unhappy at the turn of events -- everyone else is relieved at the newfound "safety."

That night, Grey, Naomi, Elly, and Sara are gathered together in one of the abandoned classrooms in the church. Naomi has told them that she believes the soldiers are up to no good, but the others have brushed off her concerns. Now the group is restless because, since their watch details has been disbanded, they have nothing to do. Enter Bro.]

Bro claps his hands and them rubs them together, like a kid waiting to open birthday presents.

Bro
Are you guys excited or what?

Naomi, still standing off in the far corner and pouting with her arms folded, sighs.

Naomi
Why on Earth would we be excited?

Bro
No watch tonight! We get to sleep a solid ten!

Grey
That is pretty nice.

Naomi shakes her head.

Naomi
I still don't trust them. They give me the creeps.

Bro
It's the US military. How bad could they be?

The silence that permeates the room is answer enough to Bro's question.

Bro
Point.

Grey
Honestly though, I don't see what they could be planning.

Sara
It's bullshit. She's just mad her little tinpot dictatorship fell apart.

Naomi rolls her eyes and obviously wants to say something in response, but bites her tongue instead.

Bro
How about we hold off on the foxy boxing for once? I have just the thing to lighten the mood.

Bro pulls his backpack off and produces an enormous jug of water. It's got to be at least 10 liters. I eye it skeptically. Maintaining proper hydration is great and all, but it's not much to structure your night around.

Grey
Am I missing something here?

Bro
I dunno, how about two gallons of grade-A Russian vodka?

Oh. There we go.

The revelation pulls Naomi away from the wall like an electromagnet. She takes a step forward and drops her arms to the side, her face going slack with shock.

Naomi
Where the hell did you get that?

Bro
Places.

Grey
More than one?

Bro
A magician never reveals his secrets, guys. Can't you just sit back and enjoy the show?

Naomi
I'm not drinking magical mystery vodka, asshole. Tell me where you found it.

Bro
Geez you're a buzzkill. Got it at some gas station like a month ago. Okay? Picked up five or six bottles of the stuff and poured it all into this jug. I was saving it for a special occasion.

Grey
Nice find. I thought for sure all the alcohol in a hundred mile radius had been looted.

Bro
What? Oh, this isn't from a supply run. I bought it. Before the outbreak started.

There's a brief pause while we all consider the implications of that.

Bro
Be prepared, right?

Naomi
Why in God's name--

Bro
You wanna play a game? Let's play a game.

Elly's face lights up with naked excitement. Then, just as suddenly, her smile wilts and her brow furrows in concern.

Elly
Will it involve that alcohol?

Bro laughs at her.

Bro
You are cute as a fucking button, you know that?

Grey
I'm pretty sure it's gonna involve the alcohol, Elly.

Elly
I really don't think this is a good idea...

Bro
You know what? We should make this into a learning exercise. I bet that Elly's never experienced the wonders of Never Have I Ever. Am I right, Elly?

Elly
What?

Bro
Circle time.

Bro plops himself down cross-legged on the floor and motions for us to join him. I'm interested to see how this is going to go, and willing to play along, so I sit down next to him. Sara, despite having that perpetually sour look on her face, joins me. Naomi, despite HER perpetually sour look, also joins the circle, sitting on the other side of Bro. Only Elly remains standing. Bro pats the floor in front of him and smiles slyly.

Bro
Come on, Elly. We have candy.

Naomi looks reassuringly up at Elly.

Naomi
You don't have to if you don't want to.

Bro
What kind of way is that to peer pressure someone? Sit down, Elly.

Elly, never one to disappoint anyone, joins the circle, sitting between Sara and Naomi. But it's clear that she has still serious reservations.

I look over at Bro. From out of thin air, he's produced a stack of red plastic cups, which he dispenses to us. Then he cracks his neck and sets to work explaining the ins and outs of this particular sin to Elly.

Bro
So here's how it works. We go left to right. Each person says something they've never done. Like, "never have I ever blown a hobo for crack money."

Naomi clucks in disgust and punches Bro in the shoulder, but he doesn't seem to notice.

Bro
And then, anyone else who HAS done whatever the person said, has to take a drink. The flipside of it is that if no one in the circle has done it, the person who spoke has to take a drink. So there's, like, strategy. And shit.

Elly
This is really sinful you guys.

Bro
I just wanna pinch your rosy little cheeks sometimes, I swear.

Naomi
Really, Elly. I told you that you don't have to do it if you don't want to.

Bro
Yes she does. Don't lie to her like that, Naomi. It's a sin.

Elly
I dunno...

Bro seems to get an idea. He puts the jug of vodka in the middle of the circle and indicates it with his index finger.

Bro
Look. There's no label on the jug, right? Nothing that says it's bad for you. Nothing that even says it's alcoholic. For all you know, it's water that tastes funny. And if you drink it, and you feel a little bit happy later, then for all you know it's a coincidence. Right? God can't fault you for that, can he?

Everyone falls silent and Elly stares at Bro for what feels like half an eternity, chewing on her lower lip, deep in contemplation. I can almost hear the cogs grinding inside her head while she works her way through Bro's idiotic maze of half-baked logic. But then, unbelievably, she suddenly gets a look on her face like a quantum physicist perfecting a complicated equation. She throws her arms up in the air and smiles broadly.

Elly
Okay!

Grey
Jesus. You could sell ice to a eskimo.

Bro
Ice! That's what we're missing. Oh, to be back in the halcyon days of refrigeration...

Sara
Ice /was/ pretty great, wasn't it?

Bro
It's the little things you miss the most. But this'll have to do.

Bro pours himself a cupful of the vodka before handing the jug off to me. The jug makes its way around the circle like this, until eventually we're ready to begin. Elly sniffs at her cup and grimaces, turning her head away.

Bro
Okay, Elly. You start us off.

Elly
So I just say something I've never done?

Bro
Yeah.

Elly
Hmm...let's see. Never have I ever... never have I ever taken the Lord's name in vain.

The rest of us cast sidelong glances at each other. I can already tell it's going to be a long night.

We all take a gulp of the vodka in unison, each of us downing about half of our sizable cups. It's been a long time since I had hard liquor and it burns like hell going down, causing me to wince. Sara coughs and sputters with the effort but Bro and Naomi both take it like champs. Looks like we already have a match-up for the finals.

After he finishes his drink, Bro makes a toasting motion at Elly.

Bro
This is great. You're gonna get the rest of us hammered faster than a Russian on happy hour.

Naomi
Isn't every hour happy hour in Russia?

Bro
More like "escape from the drudgery of existence in Russia any way you can" hour, I think.

The jug makes its way around the circle again so that we can refill our cups. Elly is looking very nervous, now that she's at risk of having to take a drink.

Sara's turn. She puts a finger to her chin, trying to come up with a good one.

Sara
Never have I ever... been on TV.

Elly lets out an audible sigh of relief. Sara was magnanimous enough to spare her. Bro and Naomi both take drinks, though. Then they look at each other, incredulous.

Naomi, Bro
When the hell were you on TV?

Naomi
I'm a cop, moron. I get interviewed by news crews all the time.

Bro
Oh. That makes sense, I guess.

Naomi
So what got your stupid ass on TV, huh?

Bro
There was... a mugshot. They put it on the news.

Grey
He had clown makeup on.

Sara
And a lampshade on his head, right?

Bro shakes his head in shame and massages the bridge of his nose. This is still a sore subject for him.

Bro
They could have let me take the lampshade off. I asked them to let me take the lampshade off.

Naomi laughs hard. This is the first time I've ever heard her laugh like this. It's a light and carefree kind of laugh, not the rueful, sarcastic, or mocking chuckles she usually falls back on when she insults someone. Only two sips and she's already loosened up considerably.

I think maybe it's the environment of camaraderie more than the alcohol, though. This is probably the first time we've ever just sat down and had fun.

...Fun. What a bizarre concept.

Fun with Naomi. Doubly bizarre.

My turn. Elly looks at me with puppy dog eyes, silently begging me to say something that will spare her. I can't resist that look, but it doesn't matter anyway. Bro's sure to use his turn to nail her. Nonetheless, I try to come up with something I don't think she's done before.

Grey
Never have I ever stolen towels from a hotel.

Once again, Elly breathes a sigh of relief. Sara and Bro take a drink, but Naomi doesn't. Now it's Bro's turn to laugh at her.

Bro
God, you live your whole life with a stick up your ass, don't you?

Naomi
Get bent. What kind of idiot steals towels from a hotel? How pointless is that?

Bro
It's free towels. That's not pointless. That's /savings/.

Naomi
Theft. That's theft.

Bro rolls his eyes.

Bro
Whatever. My turn.

Elly gulps. Bro gets an evil grin on his face, but then he says something that floors me.

Bro
Never have I ever had sex in a public place.

Elly blushes like crazy, looking away from everyone, offended and embarrassed by the raunchiness of the question. I'm embarrassed, too, but for a different reason. Instead of going after Elly, Bro is going after me.

Naomi
Pervert!

Bro
What? I've never had sex in a public place! How is that perverted?

Naomi
Because! Why would you even think--

Sara takes her sip. So I can't hide from it either, and I take mine as well. The sight of it stops Naomi cold. She stares at me, almost disbelieving. A hot rush of blood comes and I can feel my face turning as red as Elly's. Sara, on the other hand, is smiling -- unashamed. Gloating. And staring straight at Naomi.

Bro pats me on the shoulder.

Bro
I knew it! It was at that stupid movie we saw in freshman year, right?

I nod my head.

Bro
Fucking called it. No one takes thirty minutes to go to the bathroom. And both of you together? Come on.

I kind of want to tell him to shut the hell up right now. A look like a mixture between jealousy and hurt spreads itself across Naomi's face for a fraction of a second before she steels herself, that old sour expression coming back in full force. She folds her arms and huffs.

Naomi
Perverts. Such perverts. Why do I even spend my time with you people?

Bro ribs Naomi with his elbow.

Bro
Someone's a little jealous that her sex life isn't very exciting, huh? Huh?

Naomi
Fuck you.

This isn't her usual "fuck you." It isn't the one she uses to veil her bemusement or interest. Not the one that's playful or cute. She means it. And Bro can tell. He drops his elbow and surveys the room with sobered eyes, finally realizing how awkward he's made things.

Sara
Your turn, Naomi!

Naomi
I don't want to play anymore.

She stands up, but Bro grabs her hand.

Bro
Come on, don't be like that. Think of the children.

He nods in Elly's direction, who's still blushing and looking away, clasping her cross necklace in both hands.

Still looking sour, Naomi sits back down, rejoining the circle.

Naomi
Fine. But it's not like I want to play this stupid game anyway. I have to be here to protect Elly from you perverts, that's all.

Bro
Her honor is safe, I promise. But it's nice to have you back. I do need someone who's at least /kind/ of a challenge to drink under the table.

Naomi looks around the circle, thinking about what to say for her turn. I expect her to give Elly an easy pass like the rest of us. But instead, she grins to herself and proves me wrong.

Naomi
Never have I ever believed in transubstantiation.

Elly squeaks like a frightened mouse while Sara and I take our sips.

Bro
Trans who-whats-it?

Naomi
You really are an idiot, aren't you?

Bro shrugs and knocks back a huge gulp.

Bro
If I don't know what it is, I must not believe in it. Right?

Naomi
Take your drink, Elly.

Elly raises the cup to her mouth and puts the rim between her lips, but goes no further. She just stares at us, frozen in fear. Naomi puts her arm around Elly's shoulders and leans her face in close.

Naomi
Are you playing or not?

Elly pulls the cup back just enough to speak.

Elly
I'm playing.

Naomi
You don't have to play if you don't want to.

Elly
I'm playing!

She puts the cup back to her lips and braces herself.

After a little more hesitation, she finally drinks, but she doesn't even tilt the cup back. Instead, she siphons up an imperceptible amount off of the surface. It's enough to affect her, though. She puts the cup down and coughs.

Elly
Eww! It's gross!

Bro
Lightweight.

Naomi, one arm still around Elly's shoulder, reaches down with the other and grabs Elly's hand in hers. She lightly guides the cup back to Elly's lips.

Naomi
If you're playing, play for real. Otherwise you're just wasting everyone's time.

Elly looks at Naomi with wide eyes, frightened by her idol's sudden sadism. I can't help but feel somehow responsible for the meanness and anger Naomi is venting on the poor girl right now. I want to stop this, but I feel powerless to do anything.

Slowly, hesitantly, Elly leans the cup back to take a real drink. She doesn't get very far before her eyes wrench shut and she starts to gag. When she tries to put the cup down though, Naomi clasps it from the underside and tilts it even further back, forcing her to drink more.

Panicking, Elly flails her limbs to break free of Naomi's grasp. The cup tumbles away and vodka spills all over Elly's habit, the rest of it pooling on the ground. Most of the vodka in her mouth ends up on the ground, too, as she falls forward, clawing at her neck, coughing and choking and crying, her face gleaming with sweat and tears.

Bro
They all do that on their first day.

Sara
Does it get you off to treat her like that? Jesus, Naomi.

I fully expect Naomi to start yelling at Sara for that one, but she doesn't say anything at all. Instead, shocked and disgusted with herself, she stares at the pitiful sight of Elly lying on the ground. Naomi's jaw hangs open and she covers her mouth with her hand.

After half a minute or so, Elly composes herself. She manages to sit upright again. Naomi reaches over to rub her back soothingly.

Naomi
Are... are you okay, Elly?

Elly sniffles, wipes the tears away, and smiles.

Elly
Yeah. It just burned a lot, that's all.

Naomi
I didn't mean to... I-I'm sorry.

Bro
What?!

Elly
That's okay.

Bro
Did I just hear you apologize to someone? Did Officer Hardass McAnger Problems just say "I'm sorry"?

Naomi
I think we should go to bed.

Elly
No! We should play some more.

Grey
Is that a good idea?

Naomi
I don't think this is your kind of game, Elly.

Elly
Don't tell me it's not my kind of game, Ms. Sterling! I'm not a kid, you know! I drank, didn't I?

Bro chuckles and points at the puddle of vodka on the ground.

Bro
I think you're confusing "drinking" with "making a very small lake."

Elly
I'll do better next time. Really!

Naomi
Well, I think you should stop.

Elly pouts, shooting Naomi a mean look.

Elly
Don't tell me what to do. You're not my boss.

Bro
Oh, I see your membership in the Future Saras of America Club came through.

Grey
If she wants to keep going, we may as well let her. Just let her drink at her own pace this time.

Naomi stares daggers at me. Seems like she outgrew her apologetic phase pretty quickly.

Elly
Okay, okay. My turn again, right?

Bro
Yep.

Bro slides the jug across the floor to Elly. She refills her cup and play continues.

Elly
Never have I ever wet the bed.

Bro chortles, but none of us take a drink.

Bro
Looks like that one was a bust, Sister Twelve Step. You have to take another drink now.

Elly
Nuh uh! Ms. Sterling has to take a drink!

Grey
What?

We all look at Naomi. Her face is a bright shade of pink.

Naomi
I told you that in confidence, you little shit!

Bro laughs riotously, slapping his knees.

Bro
Ha! Payback is a /bitch/, isn't it?

Sara laughs too, pointing mockingly at Naomi.

Sara
You used to wet the bed? That's hilarious.

Naomi takes an angry swig. Then, predictably, she starts yelling.

Naomi
One time! I was a kid! It was a sleepover! Just... shut up! All of you shut up!

I do my best not to crack a smile, but I can't help myself. I cover it up by scratching my cheek. Hopefully she didn't notice.

Sara's turn again.

Sara
Never have I ever lost a bet.

Naomi holds her cup to her lips, but Bro keeps her from drinking.

Bro
Stop! Don't do it!

Naomi
Eh?

Bro waves his arms in the air, yelling in an exaggerated and theatrical fashion, like a lawyer in a movie.

Bro
She is a /liar/! A liar and a coward! Objection! Call for remand! ... Habeus corpus!

Sara
It's true!

Bro
You lost! I was there! You lost!

Sara
I lost the game! But he didn't beat me!

I shake my head in frustration. She's never going to admit it, but I'm never going to let it go either. We've argued about it at least once a month for almost four years now.

Grey
I won the game, Sara. You still owe me a hundred bucks.

Bro
With interest!

Sara
No I don't! The bet was that you could beat me at pool. You didn't beat me. I lost. There's a difference!

Grey
Oh boy, here we go.

Sara
There's a difference!

Grey
I was five balls up and you sunk the 8-ball. How does that not count as beating you?

Sara
Because you didn't beat me! I just lost! You hadn't beaten me yet!

Bro
You sunk that 8-ball on purpose, you sneaky little bitch!

Sara
It's not my fault that you didn't word the bet properly! You should have said, "I bet that I can win a game of pool against you." But the bet was that you could beat me. And you didn't beat me. I just lost.

I rub at my eyes and Bro shakes an accusing finger in Sara's general direction.

Bro
With interest! /With interest!/ You will pay him back with interest!

Elly
How about we just go to Grey's turn now?

Naomi
Good idea.

I sneer and speak through gritted teeth.

Grey
Never have I ever met a more gracious loser than Sara.

Naomi instantly takes a drink, then shoots Sara an evil smile. Sara flips her off. When Bro takes a drink, Sara flips him off too. Before we can devolve into arguing again, Bro mercifully takes his turn.

Bro
Hmm. Never have I ever seen two chicks doing it in real life. Not that I haven't given it my best effort, of course.

Naomi
Such a pervert! God! Is sex all you ever think--

Naomi's interrupted by the sound of Elly choking on a tiny sip of vodka. We all stare at her in utter shock. Bro breaks the silence.

Bro
Yeah, that's gonna require an elaboration right there.

Grey
When did you ever... I mean, not to pry, but... you know...

Elly wrings her hands together while she tells the story in a small and trembling voice.

Elly
T-this used to be an all-girl's school. Some of the students were weak... and sometimes they gave in to sin ... one day after school I realized that I had left my bag in one of the classes... when I went to get it... I... two of the girls...

She blushes at the memory, trailing off and looking away.

Bro
Oh my god, porn is real life.

Naomi slugs Bro in the shoulder for the second time tonight.

Naomi
You're sick, you know that?

Bro
Shh. I have to commit this story to my "never ever ever forget as long as I live" file.

He closes his eyes and pretends to meditate for a moment.

And so it goes. The game starts moving a little more quickly. Our cups empty and refill themselves and the time begins to get a little fuzzy. The longer we go on, the bigger our swigs become, and the more giggly we get. Even Elly starts to get comfortable with the vodka, and she has to refill her cup a couple times as well. Her face is absolutely flush with drunkenness. During her turns, she slurs her words badly.

Elly
Never've I ever shooten a gun. Like never. Ever.

Bro
I shot a gun once. You go like this: bang!

He pantomimes a gunshot and laughs like crazy, as if he's made some kind of joke. And somehow it's funny to me too.

Grey
Bang!

Bro
Boom!

We have a fake gun fight with each other. As we go back and forth, gibbering like crazy hobos, I realize that I forgot to take my drink this time. No one has said anything about it.

Still, though, I would never think to cheat: I knock my cup back and guzzle down some more.

Elly
Shara?

Oh, yeah. It's Sara's turn. Why isn't she saying anything?

I look over at her. She's lying on the ground, out like a light.

Bro
Oh wow. When did that happen?

Naomi
Like... five fuckin' minutes ago. Pay... p-pay... pay attention. Pay attention.

Elly
Oosh, I'll have the besht idea. I'll will take-- guysh, listen, I'll will take Shara's turn okay.

Bro
You're a genius!

Naomi
Go for it. You are the master of turns.

Grey
The master.

Elly holds her cup up high and shouts.

Elly
Never I ever never have never... ever I... tashted an'thing so good! Truths!

Bro, Naomi, and I all nod in agreement. We can drink to that.

Well, at this point we can drink to anything.

Elly takes a drink too.

Bro
Wait. You're not 'sposed to drink. It's your turn.

Elly
...

Elly
Oh yeah.

She pauses for a second, still trying to wrap her mind around it. Unable to do so, she just shrugs and takes another drink -- a big one. Then she turns her cup upside down, triumphantly showing us that she has emptied it for a third time. As soon as she shows us, though, she falls backwards, passing out. Naomi prods her a couple times. She doesn't stir.

Naomi
What a wuss.

Grey
Okay. Okay. Never have I ever...

I blink, trying to come up with something, but my mind is so foggy that I can't think of anything.

Bro
Never have I ever watched transsexual midget foot porn.

Naomi
Jesus fucknozzle you're a fuckin' perv. Fuck.

Bro
What, you don't have a transsexual midget foot porn collection?

Grey
I keep mine on blu-ray.

Naomi
Wait a second, we skipped your turn. Bro, why the fuck did you take Grey's turn?

Bro
Never have I ever gone out of turn.

Naomi
Stop fuckin' lying. Drink, asshole.

Bro
I don't drink asshole. That's gross.

Bro laughs to himself and finishes his cup. Then he pours another and finishes that one too.

Bro
I'm... sleep.

With that, he lays back on the ground and falls asleep.

Naomi
Fuckin' pussy.

Grey
Oh Bro, we hardly knew... you. You?

Naomi
Ye.

Grey
Ye!

Naomi
Just take your fuckin' turn.

Grey
Never have I ever...

I still can't think of anything to say. I look at Naomi, trying to come up with a good one, something to make her drink again. But my mind is a swirl, it won't focus itself. And then somehow I find myself staring at Naomi's irises, thinking about how amazingly green they are.

Grey
Never have I ever seen such pretty eyes.

Naomi blinks rapidly a few times. Her face suddenly becomes even redder than the drunkenness has made it.

Naomi
D-don't be stupid. That's stupid. Why... why are you saying such stupid things?

Grey
No... no... that's the truth. Not stupid.

I try to stand, but my legs are limp and noodly, and gravity instantly brings me back down. So I crawl on hands and knees over to where Naomi sits. It feels like I'm not fully in control of my own body right now. Like some outside force is propelling me.

As I approach her, she leans back to distance herself from me. I just crawl further forward though, until she tilts so far back that she has to catch herself by leaning on one hand, and can't pull away anymore. Our faces are just inches apart. She looks totally, utterly shocked. I smile and stroke her face with one hand.

Naomi
What is this?

I can smell the vodka on her breath, but it doesn't faze me. I'm so captivated by her at this moment that I can barely breathe anyway.

I stare at her intently, running my fingers across her stunned and blushing face, trying to summon all the words that I've always wanted to say to her. The passion that I feel for her. The awe I have at her intelligence and inner strength, and everything she has done for us -- all of it out of her inherent goodness, expecting nothing in return at all.

The burn she gives me deep inside. Hotter than Sara has ever given me, or anyone else for that matter.

The respect I have for her. The ache it causes me to see her have such trouble opening up, to see her hate herself so much for things that aren't her fault.

The way I want to grab her with both hands and just kiss her forever and ever.

I want to tell her that it's all going to be okay. I want to tell her that she doesn't have to be so strong all the time. I want to tell her that I'm there for her, that she's got me to rely on when she needs the support.

I want to tell her that I'm hers, all hers, and no one else's.

I can't say it. I'm finally brave enough to do it now, but the liquor won't let me form the words. So instead I keep it simple.

Grey
You're beautiful.

Naomi
What? Y-you think because I'm a little tipsy that you can get into my pants? Is that it?

Grey
You're beautiful.

Naomi
Idiot!

Grey
Even when you insult me, you're beautiful.

Naomi
Is this some kind of reverse psychology? B-because it won't work! You're a stupid little kid! Nothing more!

Grey
I love--

Naomi cuts me off by slapping me hard across the cheek.

Wincing, I take my hand from her face and lean back. She has her palm clasped across her mouth.

Grey
I love you.

Naomi
You can't say that.

Grey
It's true.

Naomi
You're drunk... you're so stupid... y-you don't mean it...