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- >The clock chimes as the time reaches two in the afternoon.
- >You sip mountain dew from your teacup.
- "Any second now..."
- >Faster than a drunken teenage whore's plea that it was rape and not consensual because she didn't like the guy, the door explodes in.
- >Before you is Fluttershy, Rainbow Dash, Pinkie Pie, Twilight, and Rarity.
- >"Hey! That ain't fair!"
- >Applejack steps forward past Rainbow.
- >"Ya gotta include me! I'm an important character too!"
- "Heh, sure you are."
- >She stomps the floor hard enough to send a tiny shockwave of what might have happened to your balls.
- >...
- >Faster than a stupid bubble-popping shitty mobile game gains money after a gay youtuber plays it, the door explodes in.
- >Before you is Fluttershy, Rainbow Dash, Pinkie Pie, Twilight, Rarity, and a hat.
- >"Ah... damn it."
- >Fluttershy smirks at you.
- >"We're here to challenge you to another duel!"
- >She immediately blushes and looks away while dragging her muddy hoof on your floor like a fucking autist.
- >"I-if that's okay with you..."
- >So a little backstory here; Fluttershy wants the dick.
- >Her friends want her to be happy, so they'll help.
- >After a crazy party involving a dolphin show, a fuck ton of prank calls to Saddle Arabia which may result in a mass bombing of friendship, and hotboxing an entire house, you told her something she's never forgotten.
- >You told her that if she wins a duel against you at anything, she can fuck you.
- >Why do that?
- >Not like you can remember, you were too fucking baked to care.
- >You yawn and put your tea cup down on the coffee table.
- "What do you propose?"
- >Fluttershy steps aside and Twilight walks forward, spreading her wings as if to rub it in your face that she now has them.
- >She clears her throat.
- >"We decided to settle this as any group of perfectly logical equine friends would."
- >Suddenly the six of them are across from you and all of you stand on some huge stage with buzzers in front of you.
- >A loud booming voice calls out.
- >"WELCOME TO FRIENDLY FUED!"
- "Wait, how the fuck did we get-"
- >"ON THE LEFT, WE HAVE THE INFAMOUS ELEMENTS OF HARMONY!"
- >All of them do a pose for the audience you're just noticing now.
- >Their name appears above their head.
- >"AND ON THE RIGHT, WE HAVE..."
- >It is silent.
- >The booming voice coughs a little.
- >"UHHH... WHAT IS YOUR NAME AGAIN?"
- "It's Anon, you fuckwit."
- >"ON THE RIGHT WE HAVE ANON YOU FUCKWIT!"
- >Above your head appears "Anon Ufukwit".
- "Fuck."
- >"NOW PLEASE WELCOME OUR HOSTESSES... PRINCESS CELESTIA AND PRINCESS LUNA!"
- >Princess Celestia walks out alongside Princess Luna.
- >Derpy flutters behind them.
- >"...and Derpy."
- >They move to the center platform, standing side by side.
- >Derpy sits in front of the stand.
- >Princess Celestia turns to you.
- >"Why are you here?"
- >Shrug.
- >"You cannot be here without at least four members. It's called Friendly Fued for a reason."
- "Well I don't have any friends, so it looks like I can't participate. See ya la-"
- >You are stopped from moving by Twinkle Spinkle's purple magic.
- >Fluttershy hovers over to you.
- >"Oh, don't worry honey, I brought some of your friends from my home over to help you."
- >She smiles sincerely at you, making you think there might be a shred of decency still left inside of this twisted shell of a pegasus.
- >Then she proceeds to pull Angel out of her vagina, plopping him down right in front of you.
- "Of course."
- >She hums a small tune and a bear bursts through the wall behind you.
- >He walks up to your left.
- >As if all this was not enough, she flutters over to the right of you and squats down.
- >You watch in disgust and horror as a massive horsecock dildo is pushed out of her rectum.
- >It flops out and splurts a little cum onto the platform it lays on.
- >You blink slowly.
- >This is your life.
- >Princess Celestia clears her throat.
- >"Well, now that both teams can participate, it's time to get this show on the road!"
- >The audience cheers.
- >You die a little inside.
- >Loona speaks.
- >"For the first question, Anonymous and Twilight please step forward."
- >You walk around the stands in front of you and go up to the platform with the red buttons.
- >Twilight does the same, now standing directly in front of you.
- >Celestia reads from a card.
- >"What is the best response when dealing with a break up?"
- >Twilight slams her hoof on the button before you.
- >"It's not you, it's me."
- >Celestia turns around to the huge screen with five blank answers and shouts.
- >"It's not you, it's me!"
- >A big red X appears on the screen and Twilight sulks immediately.
- >The sister fister princesses turn to you.
- >"Your answer?"
- "Get the fuck out of my face."
- >She turns to the screen.
- "Get the fuck out of my face!"
- >The third answer flips around to reveal the exact words you just said.
- >Neat.
- >Dark horse points back to your side and you return there.
- >Derpy, who had most likely been forgotten about by everyone, follows you over with a microphone.
- >She shakingly holds it up to you to get your voice louder.
- >"S-so how are you today?"
- "Shut the fuck up and let's get this over with, I think I feel a shit forming."
- >"U-um, okay."
- >She moves down the line to Angel who tries to rub Fluttershy's vaginal discharge off himself, but only makes it worse by rubbing it deeper into his fur.
- >"What about you?"
- >He stomps as hard as he can and gags when it makes a squish sound.
- >The Derp Knight steps back a little and moves to the front of the pack where the bear stands.
- >"Well um... Bear. What is the best response when dealing with a break up?"
- >The bear roars as loud as he can in Derpy's face, sending her mane flying back and keeping it that way due to the saliva.
- >She shakes in terror, unable to move.
- >Celestia turns to the screen.
- >"Show us roar!"
- >Roar appears at the bottom of the list.
- >The audience cheers, snapping Derpy out of her mentally unstable state.
- >She quickly scoots along to Angel and holds him the mic.
- >"What is the b-b-best response when d-dealing with a b-break up?"
- >He waves his arm to try getting some of Fluttershy's surprisingly sweet scented jungle juice off himself.
- >It flies off his arm and splats against Derpy's face.
- >She immediately bends over and begins wretching.
- >Sailor Moon horse turns to the screen.
- >"Spray vaginal discharge, show thyself!"
- >The second answer reveals itself to be spray vaginal discharge.
- >Derpy finishes emptying her stomach onto the floor in front of you and stands, barely able to keep herself up.
- >You ready yourself to be asked again when she nears the three of you, but she moves down the line.
- "What the-"
- >She stops in front of the horse cock still dripping and holds the mic up to it.
- >"What is the best..."
- >She takes a deep breath.
- >"...response when dealing with a break up?"
- >The rubber shlong simply lays there because it cannot speak.
- >Sunny D turns around.
- >"Survey says..."
- >The first answer on the list flips around, revealing the word "Silence".
- >The crowd goes apeshit as you barely manage to stop yourself from having an aneurysm.
- >Derpy rises to her hooves and gives you the mic, not even trying at this point.
- >Too bad you don't really have an answer.
- >You fiddle with the mic as hundreds of eyes watch you.
- >Well, fuck.
- >Just make something up.
- "Shit your pants."
- >...really?
- >Guess you're gonna get fucked by a long yellow and pink futa cock conjured up by Twiggle Spiggle's magic.
- >Luna and Celestia both turn around to the screen and yell together.
- >"SHIT YOUR PANTS!"
- >The fourth answer turns around to reveal shit your pants.
- >You slowly shake your head as the crowd cheers.
- >Derpy is laying on the ground in front of your stand, unable to take anymore of this bullshit.
- >Celestia points above your head.
- >"You've earned 3000 points, which is just enough to push this match into it's final stage!"
- "What the fuck man, we only did one round."
- >Applehat shouts from across the room.
- >"Yeah, it's like some higher power don't wanna spend any more time workin' on a more developing story."
- >Everyone stops to think about this for a second.
- >Celestia breaks the silence.
- >"You're right, it does seem a bit strange that we would progress so quickly for no reason."
- >She points to the main six.
- >"The Elements of Harmony now have 3000 points!"
- >The crowd cheers again and you yell at them.
- "What the fuck?! COME ON!"
- >Celestia smiles and raises her voice.
- >"This is a sudden death game, so each team must choose one representative to participate."
- >The mane six huddle together.
- >You turn to the bear who is staring blankly forward, then to the angry rabbit wringing out his ears, and finally the dildo that has made quite a large puddle for its size.
- >Then you walk around the platforms and go to the middle.
- >Fluttershy meets you there.
- >How cliche.
- >Celery and Lunar Lander stand in front of you both with clipboards and pencils.
- >They hand them to you.
- >Cell explains the objective.
- >"You have to write down the answers to these five simple questions. Whoever gets closest to the most desirable answer per question will win."
- >You ready your pencil and sigh.
- >This is for your virginity, you stupid asshole.
- >Loony Tunes speaks.
- >"The first question is... What color are Anon's boxers?"
- "What the fuck?"
- >She glares at you.
- >"No speaking, only writing."
- >Well whatever, it should be pretty easy to...
- >Uh.
- >Why the fuck can't you remember this?
- >THEY'RE YOUR OWN FUCKING BOXERS.
- >JESUS CHRIST.
- >Fuck it man, just write something.
- >You scribble down dark blue.
- >The Super Sadistic Sungod says the next question.
- >"While running for your life, you stumble upon a janitor's closet. What do you choose from there to defend yourself?"
- >Obvious as fuck.
- >You write down mop.
- >Fluttershy takes a bit longer this time.
- >Luna reads the next one.
- >"Yes or no?"
- >...
- >WHAT THE FUCK?!
- >HOW ARE YOU EVEN SUPPOSED TO ANSWER THIS?!
- >IS THIS ENTIRE GAME RIGGED TO MAKE YOU LOSE?!
- >You write down yes in anger and confusion.
- >Celestia goes again.
- >"How do you fight a monster you cannot see?"
- >You write down a grenade.
- >Finally, the two sisters speak the last question out simultaneously.
- >"Who would be most likely to rape Anon?"
- >You look at Fluttershy briefly before allowing your pencil to hit the paper.
- >This has to be a trick question.
- >There's no way they would just give this to you.
- >Especially not with that kind of build up.
- >Hm...
- >You look over at the ponies in the Elements of Harmony group.
- >All of them look at you except for Rainbow who tries her hardest to look away.
- >Fuck it.
- >You're gonna get raped anyway.
- >You write down Rainbow Dash.
- >A loud buzzer is sounded off above you.
- >Celestia takes Fluttershy's clipboard and pencil, and Luna takes yours.
- >Sun goddess speaks.
- >"For the first question we asked what color Anon's boxers are."
- >You shake your head.
- >"Fluttershy wrote black."
- >Luna speaks now.
- >"Anonymous wrote dark blue."
- >Your pants are pulled down by golden magic.
- "H-HEY!"
- >You look down and see that your boxers are black.
- >The ponies in the crowd erupt with another wave of amusement.
- "God fucking damn it..."
- >Quickly pull them up to silence the audience's laughter.
- >The screen up behind them shows your face and Fluttershy's next to it.
- >Below your face is a zero and below hers is a twenty.
- >Luna catches your attention with her voice.
- >"The second question was what do you choose from a janitor's closet to defend thyself."
- >She holds up the clipboard.
- >"Anonymous wrote a mop."
- >Celestia reads hers.
- >"Fluttershy wrote a broom."
- >That was surprisingly tame.
- >You look up at the scoreboard and see that she has earned another seventeen points while you only earned six.
- "What kind of fucking grading system is this anyway?"
- >Igoring what you just said, Celestia speaks.
- >"The third question was yes or no."
- >Alright, this one is just fucking stupid.
- >"Fluttershy wrote no."
- >"Anonymous has written yes."
- >You look up at the board and see that you've gained forty points while Fluttershy has gained none.
- >...
- >Fuck logic!
- >Free points are fucking sweet!
- >Luna reads off the next one.
- >"The fourth question was how do you fight a monster you cannot see?"
- >She reads off the clipboard now.
- >"Anonymous has written a grenade."
- >"Fluttershy wrote with love."
- >Gay as fuck, how do you even fight with love?
- >You look at the board.
- >God fucking damn this unholy world.
- >She has just obtained one hundred points.
- >You gained one.
- >Celestia chuckles once seeing your expression.
- >"Due to the massive landslide, I think we should triple the value of the last question's answer to give Anonymous a fighting chance."
- >Thank fuck.
- >You breathe deeply.
- >If she wins this round, she gets to fuck you.
- >Fuck this is so tense.
- >Luna reads the last thing.
- >"For triple the points now, we asked which pony is most likely to rape Anon."
- >Sweat begins to form on your forhead as Celestia decides to read Fluttershy's first.
- >"Fluttershy wrote her own name."
- >A lot of ooohs come from the audience behind you.
- >A one hundred appears on the board and turns into three hundred for Fluttershy.
- >Welp.
- >Luna holds up the clipboard and clears her throat.
- >Fuck.
- >Here goes.
- >"Anonymous has written..."
- >She pauses for a dramatic effect.
- >"Rainbow Dash."
- >Everyone looks at Rainbow Dash who freezes on the spot.
- >"Uh, heheh, I'd never do that!"
- >They still stare.
- >She blushes extremely hard and glares at you.
- >"Look, it's not like I like you o-or something... I just came onto this show with Fluttershy to help her win you over and I ~totally~ won't cry tonight when she has you all by herself! s-stupid."
- >Jesus.
- >Fucking.
- >Christ.
- >You look up at the board which shows an eight hundred before turning into two thousand four hundred points.
- >Fluttershy doesn't even notice you as she continues to stare at Rainbow.
- >Celestia and Luna raise your hands and shout together.
- >"The winner of Friendly Fued is Anon Ufukwit!"
- >Confetti is fired around your three other so called members.
- >The loud popping sounds startle the bear who slams his arm on the platforms in front of him.
- >Celestia and Luna release you and turn to the bear.
- >The bear slams into them, clawing away like an ethiopian child would if placed in front of a present and told there was a large meal inside.
- >Fluttershy snaps and flies over at Rainbow Dash angrily, and all of their friends try to break up the fight.
- >Someone in the audience throws a chair and they all begin fighting as well.
- >You walk past the massacre of the pretty pony princesses and go to Derpy who groans on the ground.
- >Kneel down to her as utter chaos and destruction happens around you.
- "Wanna fuck?"
- >She barely manages to nod and you scoop her up, going back home to take a shit and have a good time.
- >In a way, today was a good day.
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