(5:20:44 PM) ***Blueshift_North is sort of nervously waiting in the waiting room to see Dr. Sunstar.  The temperature is going a little haywire around her, still.  She just looks very. . . withdrawn.  Her normal baseline defiance is, well.  Not gone, but muted.
(5:22:25 PM) Ikiryo: Hana enters the room. Despite it being a few weeks, the girl clearly hasn't managed to find a cure for her changed looks. Still, she's wearing jeans and a t-shirt rather than anything too silly. She offers North a warm smile.
(5:23:01 PM) Blueshift_North: "Hi." she offers.
(5:23:35 PM) Ikiryo: "Hi." She looks over North. "...you need a hug?"
(5:25:46 PM) Blueshift_North: ". . . might be good, yeah."
(5:26:31 PM) Ikiryo: Hana heads over towards her, the tall red haired girl pulling North into a warm hug.
(5:29:08 PM) ***Blueshift_North lets herself get dragged into it, and hugs back.  "Thanks." She offers quietly.
(5:30:05 PM) Ikiryo: The girl holds onto her. "Bad job?"
(5:32:11 PM) Blueshift_North: "Well.  I mean I got the assholes who were most recently killing Clayr, but I spent some time in death, and that doesn't agree with me, and saw two of my friends fall into it, and. . . you might remember." She smiles in a way that almost reaches her eyes, but not quite. "I don't deal with loss well."
(5:32:36 PM) Ikiryo: The hug tightens, Hana radiating heat without being painful.
(5:33:19 PM) ***Blueshift_North leans into it.  "Thanks."
(5:35:53 PM) Ikiryo: Hana just holds her quietly, letting her feel safe. It's a few minutes later when Dr Sunstar emerges from her office. "North?"
(5:36:58 PM) ***Blueshift_North quietly disentangles herself from her friend.  "Catch you in a couple
(5:37:12 PM) Blueshift_North: days for cards?" She asks, walking backward to the doctor.
(5:37:25 PM) Ikiryo: "Of course." Hana nods
(5:38:44 PM) Blueshift_North: "Thanks." She sounds a little relieved, and then heads into the office.
(5:40:09 PM) Ikiryo: Dr Sunstar offers her a seat. "Would you like something to drink?"
(5:41:24 PM) Blueshift_North: ". . . some tea might be nice? I know my brand is kind of junk food but I've been drinking more of it lately."
(5:44:53 PM) Ikiryo: She smiles, starting to make tea for North. "So, what brings you here?"
(5:48:20 PM) Blueshift_North: ". . . bad day trying to stop the people who have been trouble for all of us.  Evil boy band, killing clayr,  We stopped them, but.  As it turns out Death doesn't agree with me, and I'm real nervous because. . . I don't know what happens when I die.  Like.  Die die, not ego death die, which is another thing I've been terrified of."
(5:48:44 PM) Blueshift_North: "Aaaaaand for a second I thought I lost a couple of my friends which is maybe one of the things I'm most afraid of, like.  Period."
(5:52:07 PM) Ikiryo: She nods, serving a cup of tea for North and taking a seat. "Do you want to talk to me about it?"
(5:52:54 PM) Blueshift_North: ". . . I think I need to, don't I?"
(5:53:56 PM) Ikiryo: "Only if you want to."
(5:54:42 PM) Blueshift_North: "I do, I just. . . don't know where to start."
(5:57:08 PM) Ikiryo: "Perhaps start with how you are feeling now?"
(5:57:49 PM) Blueshift_North: ". . . Scared."
(5:58:39 PM) Ikiryo: "And why do you feel scared?" The tea smells rather nice.
(6:00:54 PM) ***Blueshift_North takes a gentle sip of tea.  "Because. . . I don't want to lose anyone? I also don't. . . want to stop.  I mean I don't want to stop being me, but I also don't. . . want to be dead."
(6:02:00 PM) Ikiryo: The tea is utterly fantastic, some of the best North has ever had. "All of those are natural feelings and very understandable."
(6:04:02 PM) Blueshift_North: "Right but. . . like.  I don't know.  It's bad.  I feel bad. . . and I don't want to feel like this? And I don't. . . really think I ever understood what death was."
(6:04:45 PM) Ikiryo: She reaches out, putting a hand on North's. "Tell me about what you think Death is?"
(6:07:23 PM) Blueshift_North: ". . . I don't know.  I never thought about it before."
(6:08:10 PM) Ikiryo: "It doesn't have to be certainty...just what comes to your mind."
(6:10:12 PM) Blueshift_North: ". . . I don't know.  It feels like it's just. . . stopping."
(6:12:50 PM) Ikiryo: "It's a little more than that...but you are not wrong."
(6:14:21 PM) ***Blueshift_North pulls into herself a little.
(6:16:03 PM) Ikiryo: "Death is a hard topic. Almost no one sane like it, you are not wrong to be worried about it."
(6:18:58 PM) Blueshift_North: "So. . . how do. . . Normal people? Deal with it."
(6:19:49 PM) Ikiryo: "It varies by person. Some avoid thinking about it, some rationalise it...others never ponder it in the first place."
(6:23:41 PM) Blueshift_North: "I. . . don't know if I have that luxury.  Given my line of work, you know.  Fighting monsters." Her mouth quirks up in a smile, but it doesn't hit her eyes.
(6:25:13 PM) Ikiryo: "I know that feeling." She nods, smiling at North. "Death is...it's a fact of life. One that we all need to deal with, eventually."
(6:29:14 PM) Blueshift_North: ". . . Do I? How does it work, for me? Like.  If I die does my mind flee into my ship? Does my soul go with it? What if it gets destroyed, without me? Does that kill me?"
(6:30:51 PM) Ikiryo: "That...I cannot say." She shakes her head. "You are unique in that."
(6:34:08 PM) ***Blueshift_North rubs her arm awkwardly.  "Should. . . I be as worried as I am about losing people? I know that. . . that's normal.  But I. . . haven't had to do that, and. . . I don't want to." She looks very young for a second.  It's kind of. . . very easy to forget how little actual experience she has with life.
(6:35:24 PM) Ikiryo: "Yes...and no." She sighs and offers North a hug. "Losing people is always tragic and something no one can ever truly get used to...but you shouldn't let it worry you so much that you are paralysed."
(6:37:13 PM) ***Blueshift_North leans into it.  "I don't know if it's paralysing but. . . the first time I thought I lost someone I was going to freeze a friend of mine and strand her so far in space that it would be millennia before she reached a planet.  It's. . . very easy to underestimate how big space is."
(6:38:42 PM) Ikiryo: "Overreacting isn't good either." She holds the girl gently. "Death is...it's a hard topic with very few good answers."
(6:40:39 PM) Blueshift_North: "It kind of feels like the right answer is just to get over it and accept that it's a part of life, but I don't. . . really know how?"
(6:41:58 PM) Ikiryo: "Your friend Khaira. She is a representative of Death, yes?"
(6:43:53 PM) Blueshift_North: "I. . . technically? I don't actually know how magic works or how she works, especially given how hard it is to get understandable information from her sometimes."
(6:44:55 PM) Ikiryo: "Does she seem like a bad person?"
(6:45:52 PM) Blueshift_North: "No, just confusing."
(6:46:46 PM) Ikiryo: "Do you like to rest?"
(6:47:07 PM) Blueshift_North: "Sometimes? I don't really. . . need to."
(6:48:56 PM) Ikiryo: "One way death is often described is as a rest after the exhaustion of life."
(6:50:46 PM) Blueshift_North: ". . . I guess.  I don't know if I feel like being alive is particularly tiring, but. . . also I have a bit of a different perspective, don't I?"
(6:52:21 PM) Ikiryo: "A little, yes." She smiles at her. "There are many perspectives to death. Some see it as a foe, stalking us all our lives. Others see it as a rest at the end of a long journey."
(6:54:14 PM) Blueshift_North: ". . . I guess if this was easy, I wouldn't need to talk to my therapist about it."
(6:54:40 PM) Ikiryo: "Unfortunetly so. This is a complex area without a single, good answer."
(6:55:39 PM) Blueshift_North: ". . . Yeah."
(6:56:36 PM) Ikiryo: "And that, unfortunately, means I don't have a single answer to help you."
(6:57:20 PM) Blueshift_North: "I kind of feel like talking about it helped, at least some? Because, like.  At least I know it's not just me, right?"
(6:58:10 PM) Ikiryo: She nods. "It's something...would you like me to talk about my experience with it?"
(6:58:32 PM) Blueshift_North: "If you'd be comfortable?"
(7:00:07 PM) Ikiryo: "I've told you about my illness before, at least in part?"
(7:00:41 PM) ***Blueshift_North nods.  ". . . I saw some of it too, back on the medical station."
(7:01:40 PM) Ikiryo: She nods. "It never entirely healed." Not that you'd be able to tell right now. "I was very close to death back then."
(7:02:43 PM) Blueshift_North: ". . . I hope you don't think it's selfish for me to say that I'm glad you didn't end up dead."
(7:04:12 PM) Ikiryo: "I'm rather glad myself." She nods. "Death...I would lie if I said it doesn't worry me. I have friends and patients who would be hurt by my passing."
(7:04:55 PM) Blueshift_North: "I, ah.  Can imagine."
(2:56:58 PM) Ikiryo: "But it's also something that no one can avoid forever...so I try to focus more on dying well and without regrets rather than staying alive forever."
(3:02:55 PM) Blueshift_North: "I mean. That makes sense, but I don't know if I'll ever feel like I won't regret having done more.  In some ways, I've done a lot, more than most people.  But in others, very little."
(3:29:23 PM) Ikiryo: "I'm moving into my fifth century at this point and that feeling very rarely fades. The universe is too big to experiance everything."
(3:31:03 PM) Blueshift_North: "Well, you've got me beat by about 497 years." She actually does smile this time.
(3:31:32 PM) Ikiryo: "A little yes...and I'm still learning more every day." She smiles back
(3:41:18 PM) Blueshift_North: ". . . Thanks.  I think it helps to know that I'm not the only one who has to figure this out.  And. . . It's a little less horrifying than my other existential crisis, thinking about."
(3:42:59 PM) Ikiryo: "I'm always here to talk about these things. I would be a poor psychologist if I was not."
(3:44:24 PM) Blueshift_North: ". . . Yeah well.  You've been a very good doctor to me."
(3:45:12 PM) Ikiryo: "I'm trying." She shakes her head, smiling at North
(3:46:27 PM) ***Blueshift_North rests a hand on her shoulder.  "And succeeding if you ask me."
(3:47:32 PM) Ikiryo: "I hope so." She chuckles. "Anything else you'd like me to help with?"
(3:53:47 PM) Blueshift_North: "Not right now, though I think we should probably keep our regular session? I have to go tell a little girl that we stopped the man who killed her mother, and blew up their ship." She brings up a selfie she took of herself in front of the destroyed ship.
(3:55:33 PM) Ikiryo: She chuckles. "I'm sure she'll appreciate that. She's a lovely little girl."
(3:58:17 PM) Blueshift_North: "I hope so.  I worry about her."
(4:02:08 PM) Ikiryo: She nods. "Lily Yellow brought her to my while you were away."
(4:04:35 PM) Blueshift_North: ". . . I probably should have been doing that more regularly." She sighs.  "I'm still not doing a good job taking care of her.  How is she doing?"
(4:05:00 PM) Ikiryo: "...not very well. Better though, she's improving."
(4:06:57 PM) Blueshift_North: "That's good/  That's actually my next stop." A beat.  "Do you think she'll be better off with them, than with me? I don't. . . really know if I can do a good job taking care of her."
(4:08:29 PM) Ikiryo: "...that's a complex question without a good answer. What is your worries?"
(4:11:20 PM) Blueshift_North: "I move around a lot, and she needs stability, she could probably use people her own age, which I can't offer her, or schooling.  She probably needs a balanced diet which I am not good at, though I guess South helps. . . She's. . . literally older than me."
(4:11:31 PM) Blueshift_North: "So that's awkward."
(4:11:39 PM) Ikiryo: "You are more mature."
(4:13:01 PM) Blueshift_North: "That's debatable."
(4:13:19 PM) Ikiryo: "No, it isn't." She rolls her eyes. "Now, what would be the upside to her staying with you?"
(4:18:21 PM) Blueshift_North: "I think she's used to me, I care a lot about her, and I think it's mutual even if I don't quite know why.  There's a lot of very skilled people who pass through my life so she'll probably pick up some good skills. I don't know, I juts want her to be somewhere she'll be happy."
(4:20:28 PM) Ikiryo: "This isn't something I can decide for you. I believe that both would be very caring environments."
(4:25:52 PM) ***Blueshift_North sighs.  "I'll talk to her, see how she feels.  Maybe do a timeshare thing if that's what she wants.  I don't know."
(4:27:29 PM) Ikiryo: "Education IS important. So whatever you decide, try to make sure she can manage that."
(4:31:39 PM) Blueshift_North: "I can probably do it with telepresence stuff at the very least."
(4:32:53 PM) Ikiryo: She nods. "Alright. Best of luck working it out."
(4:34:07 PM) Blueshift_North: "So. . . I'm not going to ask you to break confidentiality, but I am probably going to bring her by for regular sessions, could you tell me if you think I'm fucking up too badly?"
(4:36:27 PM) Ikiryo: "As her legal guardian, I can speak to you about her treatment." She smiles
(4:38:27 PM) Blueshift_North: "Thanks."
(4:40:38 PM) Ikiryo: "She is...hurt. Not by your actions but her situation was terrible. She does care for you though...even if she's not sure what to call you."
(4:42:05 PM) Blueshift_North: "And. . . I don't know what she should either.  And my first instinct, to sit her down and hash this out is probably not good either.  I just. . . I want to be whatever she needs me to be, that I can, if what I just said makes any sense at all."
(4:43:31 PM) Ikiryo: "It does...but I think what she needs right now is caring family rather than any particular family member."
(4:44:25 PM) Blueshift_North: ". . . I think I can at least manage that."
(4:45:13 PM) Ikiryo: "I think you can. You very clearly have a warm heart."
(4:47:04 PM) Blueshift_North: "No I think this one is kind of cold." She opens her hand and there's a tiny ice heart there. "Sorry.  Couldn't resist."
(4:48:00 PM) Ikiryo: She chuckles. "Of course not."
(4:48:50 PM) Blueshift_North: "Anyway.  Uh.  Thanks for your time, as always."
(4:49:23 PM) Ikiryo: "It is my pleasure. I hope I've helped a little."
(4:50:36 PM) Blueshift_North: "You did." She stands up and goes to offer her therapist a hug, faltering a little as she realizes she's not sure if that's approrpiate.
(4:51:27 PM) Ikiryo: She chuckles again and gives North a hug back.