Heavenly Jewel Change Quest — Review by Anon

HEAVENLY JEWEL CHANGE QUEST REVIEW

Censored due to Pastebin's asinine filtering.


This is one of the most baffling things I have ever read. I wanted to write this a year ago but finally got to it now, after all the developments have finished. Obviously, spoilers ahead.


PREMISE

Deriving from a Wuxian novel series, this quest features a magic system where people have unique jewels attached to them that allow them to perform specific types of magic. There are different types of jewels and cultivation and magic and it’s so incredibly specific and obtuse I’m convinced the only person who knows what’s going on is the QM. At one point the QM directs people to some wikia page so players can pick out skills with no explanation or details otherwise given. How do two skills function together? The answer is whatever the QM spitballs to which the player(s) go “yeah okay”.

The MC, Zou-Whatever-TheF*ck, is an orphan who turns out to be the only one who possesses the magic to realign the meridians of one of the King’s six daughters so she can finally use magic. And then he does, and then the quest turns out to be about battling an evil nigh-unstoppable villain on the dark side of the moon who’s going to destroy everything. Other things of little consequence also happen.

Now, anyone who has read this quest past the chargen will soon realize something is horrifically wrong.


DIALOGUE

I am convinced the QM has never spoken to another human being before.

>"You must be nice at parties."
>"I'll have you know I'm an excellent dancer! It's just no-one else seems to think in this f*cking place. Even Jiang, the poor girl, hates me, I did everything in my power to help and 7 years later to the month she thinks i'm some sort of psycho!"
>*DING*
>"Ah looks like its done, right. I need you to build up that charge for me Okay?"

>”Doc, you will come with me now. I will test your doctoring skills. If you fail, I will rip your pathetic body to shreds. I can’t kill you yet. I need a reason.”

>”If you want to even survive the next few days I need you to be more flexible, so dodge my whip. Got that faggot?”
>”Yes, Princess”

Almost every single line of dialogue feels like watching social r*tards converse. It always at least slightly off for one reason or another, every single attempt at inserting naturalistic pauses coming off as awkward line readings. Not only is everyone prone to mood swings, but the personalities of the six princesses are also exaggerated archetypes that never feel believable. One of these princesses is named Jiang.
Anonymous ID:KF4JGLaS Thu 08 Oct 2020 21:29:58 No.4485586 Report
Quoted By: >>4485588 >>4486011
>>4485584

LOVE INTEREST

Jiang is the love interest, the girl who the MC fixed up. You know this because she’s the QM’s favorite girl. Kind of weird but she IS the only one around the MC’s age.

After getting her magic rock, her subdued personality changes into something matching her fire-related powers: “massive cunt”. She becomes bitter, jealous, and possessive, and while she’s interesting, she sure isn’t likable. Oh, sorry, were you expecting her to be something like hot-headed? No, she’s just an asshole now.

One anon vocalized his concern:
>Shit, I like Fei more than Jiang

The QM replied:
>Don't worry, Jiang's personality will grow when she has an identity with her Jewels to latch on, she is only 14 after all. Fei is 340 Don't marry a dumbo, she just has a lot of life experience.

Huh. Well, okay, she’s going to settle into something more relatable now, right? Surely MC, serving as Jiang’s bodyguard, will be able to cool her down and their bond will—

>After some gruelling training. Jiang stops you for a second.
>"Hey, do you want something to drink?"
>"Yes please. I don't think any more training is going to have an effect."
>"OK!"
>She gives you a bottle of water, she has her own. You drink the whole thing in one gulp.
>"Hehe. Sleep tight..."
>You can feel your Life Element trying to counteract something in the water.
>"Wh-what are you doing...?"
>You can feel yourself slipping away.
>"Taking initiative."

>You can feel your body giving out. Everything goes black.

>You wake up. You see black. You feel constricted. You are on a bed. However, you are bound to it by incredibly strong rope. You try to break free.

>You stay awake for a good 3 hours, but, as someone specialising in Stamina, Jiang keeps going, you fall unconscious soon after. But you are aware of what she did to you. Trust is important, she ignored all of that. You two were close, but you are her are both too young to move forward like this...

>"Ahhh! Now that was good! I can feel him all over me! I managed to get my third Jewel as well! Bye Zou!"
>Jiang leaves the room, taking your gag with her, you are awake, you are aware. You are still very tired and don't bother with screaming at her. You are still bound as before.

In an unprecedented feat of the QM flexing his power over the story, he has the main villain obliterate Jiang’s inhibition and has her rape the MC and consequently be impregnated. Lesser QMs might simply kill off other love interests, but HJCQM knows how to really get his favorite girl to win.
The fallout is surprisingly more grounded as the MC goes around confronting the people who allowed this to happen as he attempts to overcome his trauma. Except, he has no personality and his body language is never described, and it actually proceeds like a robot long-windedly explaining how a real human being would feel at this time instead of showing it. It also turns out one of the other sisters was also assaulted and she elects to share her story through a long, psychotically-written block of text that only left me wide-eyed.

Oh, and it's implied one of the princesses f*cks monsters.


THERE’S A PLOT?

The King is actually a time traveler that’s been resetting until the MC had developed a specific set of jewels that can allow him to heal Jiang and eventually beat the big bad. There are different political factions and some dude and there’s the orphanage and some dragon and hunters and some girl and, and, and nothing matters at the end except the villain. There’s a laboratory and some scientists who create a spaceship that the MC, the King, and a few others ride to fly into outer space and engage in a magic space battle so they can ultimately defeat the final villain. It’s all very cool, or at least it’s supposed to be.

On thread #7, a literal month and two threads before when the actual final battle takes place, HJCQM decides to make this post:

>I think I will end it here now. You can use this roll as a prediction for the final battle if I do not post in the next few days. If I have time to update I will do so in the afternoon UK time. Otherwise. This is goodbye. The final battle was supposed to go like this.

>Go to Moon as a 4 man unit
>Release Creation Element, creating an area of calm
>See Kreyzar
>The two of you roll for dominance, 3 wins to kill for good.
>You are helped by your allies, mainly the sisters to whittle down his health, giving you a larger bonus
>You win
>Post-game begins, beginning with a manned trip to Mars
>You find a portal to Hell itself, and the things inside are not happy that you can take people back from them
>Other countries and beastman stuff
>Developing of Laws and the first Heavenly Judge (13 Jewels)
>End Quest by using Spatial to dimension hop
>Landing in universe of my next quest, which I have made plans for Christmas.

>Thank you all for playing and goodnight!

Incomprehensibly, he decides to spoil the ending to his own quest and his plans for the distant future. I... I don’t even know what to say. None of the posters even complained. I don’t understand what even happened in these threads.

DAILY ROUTINE

The mechanics of the quest can essentially be boiled down into

>wake up
>decide from a list of two-three dozen different things
>do the thing
>probably some d100s
>maybe do another thing
>roll more d100s
>end the day

Sorry, what was that, you have something scheduled? But you haven’t cultivated in so long!

>cultivate
>sit in a room and roll d100s
>hit the limit, make breakthrough?
>better roll high again or you will have done nothing today

Occasionally the QM will bluntly remind the players of the thing they promised to do, but otherwise, there’s a 50/50 chance players will grind numbers. Also, practicing manners is literally an option despite the final battle to the death looming over. It’s not fun to read; you’re going through rolls and rote explanations for cultivating or training or whatever detailed nonsense it is this time.

I mentioned this before, but your post number also has an effect. Hitting dubs or trips makes things happen depending on whatever it lands on. Hit 4s? Fight death itself. Already did? Do it again. And again.

Sometimes the QM rolls for something nobody knows what for. Like, he’s rolling to see how the world reacts or if the villain successfully nukes something out of existence. Because, you know, that’s what people want to see deciding the fate of the story. Dice rolls.


THE QM

>I'm sorry everyone. I need to eat some cottage pie. Update in around 30ish minutes.
>Voting will be open until 18:30 pm BST. I have to eat some tea. Thank you all for playing!
>Last update for a bit. I need to eat some tea,
>Last update until 18:30 pm BST as I need to eat some tea. Thanks for playing!
>Going to eat some tea now, I'm pretty hungry and need a break, thank you for playing!
>I need eat some tea, be back at around 18:30 pm BST. Thanks for playing!
>Welp. Now sounds like a good time to take a break then. I need to eat some tea anyway.
>Last update until 18:30 pm, I need to eat some tea.
>Right. Sorry guys but I need to eat some tea,
>Writing. However. I need to eat some tea,
>I need to eat some tea (Spicy Thai prawn curry, easy to make if you buy de-veined prawn, and delicious).
>I need to eat some tea. Quest will restart at 18:30 pm BST. Thank you all for playing!
>I gotta eat some tea. Will be back for around 18:40 pm BST. Thanks for playing.
>I gotta eat some tea. Be back for 18:30 pm BST maybe.
>I need to eat some tea. Back for around 18:30 pm BST. Thank's for playing!
>I need to eat some tea, so voting will last 30-40 mins
>Gotta eat some tea, be back for 18:20.
>Gotta eat some tea, be back for 18:45
>I need to eat some tea, back for 18:30 probably. Thanks for playing!

>I shouldn't be lecturing you, sorry, I want to be a teacher, so this stuff is personal to me. Back to questing!
>Wait. Your workplace allows access to 4chan(nel)? Mine completely blocks it. Mobile data is fickle for me. Lots of IPs are banned. So I can't update at work.
>I may have to end early today because of a Karate club, passed a grading last week and will be learning some more stuff for the next grade so can't skip.

Thread 14:
>Quest can't run today, or tomorrow. Exams and ill, much worse now.
>I sincerely apologise, I have never been this ill before and it's put me in a bit of shock. I might have to miss the exam, but it's 30% of my grade, I really can't afford to miss it and I need to revise.

>Can't do today. Going to doctors, It is becoming harder and harder to breathe as the days pass; I need treatment. Hospitals ban internet use because it messes with the equipment so can't access the site. Apologies.

>Hospital did nothing and told me that the symptoms would fade. Lazy f*cks.

Thread 15, the final thread:
>Sorry for late. In A&E. Breathing becoming much worse. Last update of the night. If I am staying here overnight I will not be able to post for the forseeable future, I am on 9% battery with no charger.

>I am alive. There was no treatment recommended, just try to keep healthy and if it gets worse come back in. I was let out of the hospital at 01:00. Needed a lot of sleep; ready to post now, I think. It's all a bit up in the air at the moment.

He received a single reply from his only player namefagging two days later. The thread, left unarchive, silently sinks to page 10, and the quest vanishes forever. Without a twitter or any other place to contact him, where can he possibly be? We can only pray.

Goodnight, sweet prince.

...

Wait.

Three months later, someone else with the same QM name setup and matching tripcode created a “Gatherer Isekai Quest”. The writing style is similar, so in all likelihood, it’s him. Thank god, I can sleep well at night knowing someone didn’t actually die running a quest.

If you’re reading this, QM, I hope you’re okay.


WHO WOULD I RECOMMEND THIS TO?

No one.