Thread 6: Stories 61-75

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>AJ2
'Sombra (Written)'

>Hi Somby!

'Greetings, child.'

>It's Hearts 'n Hooves Day, there's all kindsa love in the air! Everyone's spending time with their special somepony, I can taste all the yummy love in the air!

'I can only imagine it, my dear, why aren't you with Shining Armor?'

>It's Hearts 'n Hooves day, Shiny deserves to be with his special somepony-er, wife. We can go around the city and see all the ponies in love!

'Uh...my presence may inspire fear rather than love, child.'

>Eh, I think if I'm around it'll all balance out. Hey Somby, can I ask a question?

'Certainly.'

>Did you ever have a special somepony?

'Well of course, child, I had quite a full life before my reign of terror as a mad king of an emp-wait why didn't I call myself Emperor Sombra, that sounds a lot better.'

>You're interrupting yourself now?

'Uh...let's get back on subject, yes I did have a special somepony, long ago when I was but a young stallion. In the younger days of Equestria before the reign of Discord and our unification under the Sisters."

>Woooow...

'The union of Pegasus, Unicorn, and Earth Pony was still young as I grew up, thusly each race kept to its old traditions. I was not born of nobles, so I was sent to one of the many orders dedicated to the study of magic in Old Canterlot. That was where I met my dearest Orange Blossom.'

>That's a pretty name.

'She was a pretty mare, descended from the holders of a small duchy in the old country, such beautiful orange hair over her light brown coat, her eyes constantly alight with a mischievous spark, she was a wildfire in equine form.'

>You sound like you liked her a lot.

'Not at first, no, but i can assure you the greatest loves are born of little initial enmity. Soon we made quite the pair, she the extroverted rogue, I her mild-mannered hanger on. A pie snatched from a windowsill, a great commotion down a thoroughfare, a miiiiinor forest fire? The two of us were most likely in the thick of it.'

>Huh, you've never been mild mannered as long as I've known ya, Somby.

'That would be Blossom's doing, she dragged me out of my shell kicking and screaming, and soon what was an odd friendship became the love I answered your question with.'

>So what happened to her?

Sombra sighs.

'The tragedy that befalls all loves of that age, child, she was descended of royalty, and while all unicorns carried themselves with an aristocrat's gait, I was not of a rich enough bloodline for her family. Once word reached that she was in love with me, they pulled her from the order and placed her under the tutelage of a respected magus.'

>But didn't ya try to fight it, like in Queeny's love movies?

'My fight was taken from me at spearpoint, the guard under her family's orders told me to forget she ever existed. I couldn't do that, so I buried her memory in my studies, devoting my time to gaining aptitude in all forms of magic. Some time thereafter I was chosen by one of my order's masters to be his apprentice and learn magic's finer arts, but that is a story for another time.'

>I'm sorry you and Blossy didn't get to be together, Somby. Ya still wanna go play?

'Yes, child, I would like that immensely. Go on ahead to your room, perhaps I'll try enchanting your toys again.'

>YES! JINGLE BALL LIVES AGAIN!

2 scampers down the hall, excited at the prospect of a jingle ball that plays hard to get.

He refuses to let her see him cry.

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>Spike
"AJ42"
'77'
-DT-
~~~~~
Once again, we join the unlikely quarter at their table in their dark, smokey room of the castle just as Diamond Tiara relates her latest misadventure

-And the test results proved that Silver Spoon was indeed the father.-

'Reminds me of something that happened back in the caves.'

Everyone pauses and gives 77 a very confused look

'Well, in a vague and round about manner.'

"Well, all that said and done, I need to get ready to head back to work, those guards won't whip themselves into shape."

>Applejack and Twilight will be needing my help fairly soon too, but before we go our separate ways, I'd like to propose something to play with for our next meet up.

-And idea in that pea-sized, lizard brain? How novel!-

'Don't mock the pea-brained. That just means the rest of their mind operates in another dimension and schemes something... Terrifying.'

"... Okay... So what's the proposal, Spike?"

>I would like to propose we all switch weapons for a week. A mile in another's horseshoes if you will.

"I don't carry a weapon, remember?"

>Got'cha covered!

Spike cheerfully sets down a set of brass horsehoes.

"... I'm gonna want those once we 'trade back'."

-Why should I give up my BFG 9000 for any of your baby toys?-

42 quickly takes the BFG away and pushes the brass shoes towards DT.
"Because I need something to put the fear of god into Canterlot and Crystal Guard. An you need to learn to work with your hands."

>Welp, with that trade done then, I suppose it's you and me, 77.
Spike cheerfully offers his twin Smith and Wesson 500s as well as the extra ammo and operation procedure before convincing a reluctant 77 to part with his knife.

'If I run out of ammo for this thing before the week is up, I'm taking my knife with infinite ammo back!'

>Super! Well, then, back to work!
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>Chrysalis
“Derpy Hooves”
~~~~~~~~~~

>Hearts and Hooves day… the day when love is in the air and everypony finds that special somepony to do… whatever, to do lovey-dovey things with.

She snorted, glancing out one of the windows in Shining’s room. Even from however high up she happened to be, the sight of an Empire in love was all too clear. And painful to the eyes.

>Stupid Shining…

He was busy, of course. And why wouldn’t he be on this day? The day that practically all of the Crystal Empire lived for, when Cadance was the center of attention and actually fit the bill for a respectable princess.

>She still has a bony butt….

And her subjects… AJ2 was no doubt riding alongside the royal couple, AJ42 was part of the Guard, AJ18 was elsewhere as a second Cadance. The others? Back at Canterlot. Far away from her.

>I don’t want to see them either. I don’t care. This is just another day to me, nothing special….

She still couldn’t find the strength to pull herself away from the windowsill, feeling oddly hollow, and stayed that way for the better part of three hours, her eyes catching every movement of the happy little crystal ponies down below.

The sudden flap of wings snatched Chrysalis from her daydreaming and she blinked, surprised into silence when she felt warm tracks of water glide down her cheeks. A gray, wall-eyed pegasus wearing a wide smile hovered just out the window.

“Special delivery for Missus Chrysalis! Don’t cry, you’ve got mail!”

>I… what?

A rather thick bundle of letters was passed on and Derpy gave a wonky salute before she pulled a barrel-roll midair and took off upside-down.

>...

Chrysalis splayed the envelopes over Shinings’ bed and tore into them with trembling hooves, cursing under her breath as she fumbled a few in her haste.

‘Happy Hearts and Hooves day to my favorite rapist. Prepare yourself, for the dreaded table manners continue when we get back.’

‘Hey, mom! Or not mom! I hope you like butterflies because I’m bringing you back some! And heart-shaped marchmalley’s! Be home soon!’

‘My Queen, may this letter find you well. Um...perhaps when I return, you and I could watch one of those movies…? If you want to that is...’

‘You would not BELIEVE the plots I’m seeing today, mom! I hope your Hearts and Hooves day is going as awesome as mine! Love ya!’

‘Plan #748: use love to distract Shining into intercourse is in full swing. I’m going to fail, of course, but still, gotta keep trying!’

There were plenty more letters to read, and each one throbbed with a healthy amount of love, but Chrysalis had her hooves to her face, struggling to dry her eyes as she openly wept.

>I’m… I’m n-not your mom… damn it, q-quit crying, you’re a queen…
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>AJ 18
"AJ 42"
~~~~~~~~

>Loooove is in the aiiiiir!

"Stop it."

>Every wheeeere I look around!

"Stop it."

>Caaan you feeeel the looooove tonight!

"That's a different song!"

>I forgot the lyrics to the other one.

"How did you drag me into this?"

>Awww, quit 42. I know you're happy!

"What could have possibly given you that idea!?"

>I know you.

"Shouldn't you be trying to seduce Shining Armor on today of all days?"

>You kidding? I never would stand a chance. Cadence LIVES for today, and she is going to cling to him as if she were a spear chucked right through his heart. I'd have a better chance with the still buried remains of the plush doll. Know your limits, 42!

"So why are you so happy!?

>Because right now, you and me are sitting here in a neat looking carriage, being pulled along though the Crystal Empire, completely undisguised! We're open for all the world to see, and you know what they're doing?

"Ignoring us?"

>EXACTLY!

"...Huh. This is kind of nice."

>See!? Wave to that one over there.

"...She waved back."

>And smiled! When's the last time a pony smiled and waves at you?

"Never."

>42, even though my mission is a failure most days, this is what keeps me going. Just getting to come here is... it's magical.

"...Why me?"

>Hmm?

"Why'd you pick me?"

>Weeeelll, I can't say you're my 'special' special somepony, but you know what? You're my best friend in the whole world, and that's pretty special to me. You stuck by me through a lot, 42, and I'm glad I'm your friend,

"...S-so cheesy."

>Stop it with the toughy act! HUG ME!

"Oh, fine. Just this once, but only because you paid for the carriage."

Together, the best of friends got their ride through the empire, not standing out, but not unnoticed.
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>Applejack
"Celestia"
'Various Changelings"

~~~~~~

"...You called me down here for this?"

>Yes.

'What do you mean, I'm not your special somepony!?'

'38, I feel like I don't even really know who you are anymore!'

'I'm 16!'

'You see? I just feel like 59 gets me better.'

'What makes you say that!?'

'I remember her number is 40.'

'*Swoooon~!'

'I shall not stand for this, be it this insult OR your strange choice to actually say the word 'swoon' and tilde!'

'A DUEL, THEN!'

'A DUEL!'

'NO! Don't do it you guys!'

'Stay out of this 61!'

'But all we need is love! I mean that literally, because Changeling.'

'Too late! DRAW!'

'DRAW!'

....

'I don't have enough magic to shoot.'

'Me either.'

'I could punch you, I guess?'

'I don't want to scuff my hooves, I just shined them.'

'Oh wow, those are beautiful.'

'Right?'

'You doing anything later?'

'BETRAYAL!'

'Sorry babe, it was never going to work out.'

'NOOOOOO!'

>Still mad at me?

"...No. Get the popcorn."
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>Diamond Tiara
"Silver Spoon"
~~~~~~~~

>SS.

"DT."

>Notice you have a little paper heart there.

"Notice you have a pair of brass horseshoes"

>It's a bet. Yours?

"I... Have plans to give this to someone."

>Someone black, chitinous and obsessed with mounds of fat?

"Uh... no, his is over there."

>Ah. Shaped like a plot. How thoughtful of you.

"This one is for... nobody in particular. Just wanted to do that stupid thing Cheerilee makes us do so that lonely ponies don't feel like total losers."

>HAH! Wow, do I feel sorry for them. Not enough to, you know, make a card or anything. but enough to give a slow, deep laugh at their pain.

"Yeah... Any plans for today?"

>Lots, but they're mostly acid based.

"Sounds exciting."

>It is! Whelp, see ya' Silver Spoon! Whenever you're done making some poor schmuck feel a little less worthless, come help!

"Yeah. I'll do that."

It's only after she leaves that SS tosses the card into the garbage. In hindsight, she shouldn't have been surprised DT didn't notice her name on it.
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>DT
"56"
~~~~~
56 is wringing out the last of the latest batch of acids from his... Something.

"You know, you've tried acids, fire, explosives, electricity... I mean as fun as it is to see your tiny, emaciated ass scrunch up more with each failure, you're getting kind of boring. Can't we try something new?"

Diamond Tiara is grinding her teeth to the gums before slipping on the brass shoes and pointing at 56 theatrically.

>YOU'RE ALREADY DEAD!

With the brass shoes in hoof she begins punching relentlessly!

>ATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATA

A few hours later...

>ta ta ta ta ta. ta ta ta ta. ta... ta...

Diamond Tiara finally collapses in exhaustion on top of 56

"Well... That was something. ... For a pony with such a bony butt she's really heavy and hard to move!"

>Zzz...- BLARGH!

"Oh, come on! That was just gratuitous!"
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>AJ 29
"AJ 10"
~~~~~~~~~

>Finally! I thought I'd never get out of that stupid lab-

*TACKLE!*

"Hiya!"

>Gah! Another unclean changeling has soiled my perfection!

"I'm tryin' to interview a romantic Changeling to get their opinion on today!"

>And clearly, they sent you to me?

"No, they sent me to 18, but she's really far away. Then 42, but she just started stuttering and threatened to smash my camera. Finally 2, but she says shes having a turbulent relationship with a bag of gummy bears, and she doesn't know how long it's going to last."

>The tragedies of young love. Well, fear no more! For I, the most desirable of all Changelings, will be happy to give you my opinions!

"Great! Are you seeing anyone today?"

>Every princess.... except for Princess Celestia, because fulfilling her needs will apparently reduce me to ash. Or Princess Applejack, because she's so bland I taste Styrofoam when I'm in the room with her. Or Princess Cadence, because there are several shields surrounding the castle that for some reason do not affect anyone except for me. Must be a weird glitch. Or Princess Rarity, because that dragon scares me. Or Princess Fluttershy, because I'm pretty sure she's cursed or something, because weird things try to kill me every time I try. Or Princess Luna, because her fantasies literally kill my libido with how boring and plain they are. Or Princess Twilight, because NO! I DON'T WANT TO GO BACK IN THE TUUUUUBE! AHDUNWANNAGOBAAAAACK!

*Sobbing*

"You okay?"

>... Fine!

"So... who are you going to go after?"

>...Blueblood?

"Currently deposed."

>DAMN! There goes plan Z!

"What were the other plans?"

>A list of royalty and then S through Y were ways to kill myself.

"Ah... you want a snowcone?"

>Pfft, no time for that, I have fantasies to make real! AWAY!

*He leaves*

"...I uh, think I'll keep this one to myself. I want to be taken seriously as a journal. If I start makin' dark humor, I might be taken as... like, a diary or something."
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>Cadence
"Twilight"
'Shining Armor'
~~~~~~

>And I just want to say again how...NICE it is you came to see us today, Twilight!

"I know, right? This day is all about spending it with your special somepony! And nobody is more special to me than my BBBFF!"

>Riiiiiight!

"Oh, by the way Cadence, I notice a lot of teeth grinding. Shiny says you do that when you get nervous. Don't worry! I'll make sure today is extra fun! And it's not like anybody is going to bother us, the guard said you made extra sure nobody was allowed in!"

'...Dear, your teeth are sparking.'

>IT'S FINE. JUST NERVES. NERVES THAT ARE NOT GOING OFF LIKE I WANTED THEM TOO!

"Oh! I have the perfect device for that!"

'Twili no! No more brain experiments on live ponies, remember!'

"Spoilsport."

>Your train is leaving in an hour, RIGHT?

"Oh Cadence, don't be silly! I'm staying with you two tonight!"

'...Dear, they're starting to make worrying crunching noises.'

"Do you want some gum? I brought gum."

'Is the gum going to turn her a random color?'

"NO!"

'...'

"It wouldn't be random! Every one of these is carefully tested for variables."

>*CRUNCH!*

'Crud, she's breaking though.'

"So, what're we gonna do now? Cause I can't wait to spend the whooooole day with you!"

*POP!*

"..."

'...'

>....AAAAHHHHHHH! HOLY FRICKTASTIC SPARKLES ON THE BACKSIDE OF A SAUSAGE EATING CREME FILLING SWALLOWING GUTTER SNIPE! THAT HURTS SO MUCH!

"She okay?"

'She'll be fine.'

"Oh, okay. Will you put down that pillow and come on already? The days a wasting!"

'Give me another five minutes.'

>AHHHHHH!
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>Applejack
"Celestia"
'AJ42'
~~~~~~~~

>...Huh.

"Yep."

>Should we... should we do something?

"I feel like we should, but I really don't want to."

>Me either. Ah' mean, she looks kind of happy.

"Elated, in fact."

>... How long's she spose ta' have that for?

"A week."

>...She ain't gonna last.

"Oh?"

>Yeah.

'FLEE! FLEE YOU PUNY MORTALS! AHAHAHAHAHA! AAAAHHHHHAAHAHAHAHAH!'

>She's gonna run outta rockets long a'fore that.

'I AM YOUR GOD!'
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>Applejack
"Celestia"
~~~~~
>Hey, princess, Ah jus' got tha latest repor' back from Ponyville-

"Just a second!"

Celestia opens the windows and readies a new revolver.

"Okay, give it to me. How bad is it?"

>Actually, things ain' been better!

"... You're kidding me, right?"

>Nope, seems since all of us, especialyl pinkie, moved out, an' Mayor Mare's actually been doin' 'er job, the economy's up, employment rate's 'er up, tha whole town's expandin', an' we got new train tracks bein' laid all 'round Equestria!

"Oh, my god... It's... It's a miracle! I- Ow! I've never smiled like this before. I mean really smiled!"

Celestia suddenly becomes depressed

"What's the catch. There's always a catch, Applejack!"

>Uh, princess, there ain' no catch. Canterlot's been pretty unaffected by us, 'side's rarity.

"No, Applejack, there's ALWAYS a catch. And you know what? I'm not going to hear it! I WON'T BE BLAMED!"

Celestia leaps out the window and tries to shoot herself in the head on the way down.

Spiiinnnnn

Click!

"DAMMIT-" Splat!

>Ya know wha'? She needs tha vacation.
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>42
"18"
'Chrysalis'
~~~~~~~

>Uh... majesty....

"Did you... did you drag that in here?"

'Yef ah di'.'

"Okay, wow, couple questions."

>I'll start. Why did you drag the theaters screen into Shining Armors' bedroom through his door? Not 'through' as in passing through the designated hole that a door, logically, is made to provide, but though as in...

"As in chunks of wall are everywhere."

'Af wanna ta-"

>Majesty, stop eating the ice cream for two seconds. I can't understand you.

'I said I wanted to watch a movie and the couch was uncomfy!'

"You are spilling that everywhere..."

>Why not just, I don't know, fold it up?

'Too hard!'

"Just to recap, folding up a blanket thin screen, hard. Burning your way past solid crystal to place it opposite of a bed, not hard."

'Right!'

>Highness...

"I've got this. My Queen? This was dumb. This was a dumb idea and you should feel bad."

'Pfft! Jokes on you! I'm sitting on this huge bed, eating out of a tub of ice cream as big as my chest, and watching movies! Collateral damage aside, I accomplished my goal!'

>Give her that, she did succeed.

"I guess."

'Now are you going to complain some more or are you going to sit down, grab a spoon, and help me destroy this tub of ice cream while watching something that numbs the soul crushing sadness of being alone on a romantic holiday?'

>...Well, I didn't want to until you put it like that.

"...Scooch over."

>Yeah, I need some bed space here.

"Isn't Shining Armor going to be mad?"

'Yeah, probably. But now is not the time for that, now is the time... for romance.'

>Movie romance, because we suck at the real thing.

'...'

"...Share."

'NO! I need it more!'
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>Applejack 12
"77"
~~~~~~~~~

"How did the interview go?"

>THOSE LITTLE GREEN CHALK CANDIES ARE PONIES! THEY'RE POOOONIES!

"Really!?"

>No, but discovering they were grinding up the bones of my slain tormentors calms me down enough I don't say the word "hate" over and over again.

"So... didn't go good?"

>Yeah, turns out, they thought that my chitin was edible.

"Ew."

>Right? I offered to let them take a taste of my ass, but they seemed to lose interest.

"So... what have you got on the agenda next?"

>This one seems easy, wheat processing.

"Don't they use large, dangerous scythes to do that?"

>...Better let me borrow the knife.
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>Applejack
“Luna”
‘Celestia’
_______

The chamber doors swung open with a ground-rumbling bang and Luna strode in with purpose, her magic carrying three thick, manilla folders that she slammed down on the desk before Applejack who hardly glanced up from her own forms.

>Good evenin’ to ya, Luna. Um… ain’t this ‘round the time where ya rise the moon?

“That can wait a bit longer. We have brought something of great importance for you to consider, Jack of Apples.”

>Applejack, sugarcube. An’ look, Luna, no offense meant but after spendin’ nearly all of Hearts an’ Hooves day wit’ Spike, bless his heart, Ah’ve fallen behind with some of these here invoices.

“Well, that explains the elaborate looking bracelet upon your hoof there….”

Applejack flushed a deep red.

>Pretty, ain’t it?

“As pretty as the mare wearing it, we’d say, but business before idle gossip.”

And she promptly flipped all three folders open.

>Luna, really, Ah’m sure what ya got is grand and all but-

“After a few months of studying the Crystal Empire’s agricultural state, or lack thereof, we came to the conclusion that unless something is done, they will be entirely shut off from the rest of the pony world as we know it.”

>…*sigh* Alright, ya got me. Go on.

“The Crystal Empire is made of… well… crystals, and they eat crystals too, it’s what gives them their shine. A majority of their crops are crystals. Do you see the growing problem that we see?”

>Not at all but ya done a good job in hookin’ me.

“Think, Jack of Apples. The crystal ponies aren’t like you and I, and nearly all of the other creatures of this world. They thrive on crystals. Us? Regular food. In all of their entire empire, we can count on one hoof the farms they own. And it’s in such poor shape that just one look would send you into a seizure.”

>Land sakes, that bad?

“Worse. Now look here, see this outline? They have this abundant resource and they’re doing nothing with it to better themselves. So what we propose is taking some of their crystals and using it hire some Appleoosans, some ponies who actually know how to tend to land and grow crops with love. Then, they can take those crops and use it to barter for other things, help them get a hoof into other ventures with other lands.”

>…

“So what do you think, Jack of- Applejack?”

>Ah just have one question.

“...yes?”

>Who the buck are y’all and what’d ya do with the real Luna? Are ya kiddin’ me? This is great!

A look of intense relief spread over Luna’s face and she smiled modestly.

“That is pleasing to hear. We’d been pouring over countless books and archives, trying to find out someway just… to help. To feel like a princess helping her world.”

>Well, Luna, lemme tell ya straight. Ya done great. Turns out there’s more to the lunar princess than her huge rump!

“That is our next task!”

>Bound to fail, Ah’m sure, but this? Ah’ll get this to Cadance right away.

Less than two seconds later, amidst more elated cheers, a spark of fire flew in through the window and struck the gathered data, reducing them to ash within seconds.

>…

“…”

‘Whoops! I was just lowering the sun and I guess I lost my concentration wondering where my baby sister was with her moon! Hope that wasn’t important!’

*POP!*

“AAAAH BY THE BLOODY PUS-SPEWING WARTS ON A MANTICORES DISEASED DICK THAT HURTS!”

>Yeah, gets better with time… An’ well, on the brightside, shouldn’t take nearly as long to get the data back, right?

“Owwwww….”

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>Spike
"Applejack"
~~~~~
>'Dear, Diary, something primal in this simple weapon calls to me. Appeals to my inner savage. With it, I know safety, peace, and sanity despite the numerous threats around me. I and my environment are sworn enemies and best friends all at the same time, I will use our friendship to navigate it, and our animosity to fight it.'

>'I hunger from too long away from sustenance, and so tonight, the hunt begins...'

"Anyone else seen Spike?"

Spike runs past, painted in blood and woad, screaming his head off with the bone knife held high in one hand and a spear in another which he hurls into a cake before making off with it.

"... So much fer havin' one bastion o' sanity 'round here."
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