Thread 19: Stories 16-30

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>Chitania
"Sales pony"
~~~

"Miss? Going to have to ask you to stop."

>I-... I can't! It's sooo... so very temptin-

*BZZZT!*

>OW!

"It's a bug zapper. It's for zapping bugs. It's not for you."

>I know that! I just... like how it looks-

*BZZZT!*

>OW!

"Miss? You're going to hurt yourself."

>...Fuck it, I'm taking it-

*BZZZT!*

>OW!

"You know what? I'm not even going to question that. Sure. Just let me unplug it real quick-"

>Now I don't want it.

"..."

>Now I do. Don't. Do. Don't. Do do do do don't.

"Are you... okay?"

>Just throw it on the popcorn maker. It'll work eventually.

"You know what? Not even going to question that."
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

>Sombra
"Shiny"
Two

>Right, so, this got out of hand.

"Ya think!?"

The two are standing at the doorway to the corridor outside Shiny's office, looking down at a marching throng of tiny golems.

>In my defense when I ordered the ones I had to construct more I thought they'd just shape them, not imbue them with life.

"This...well I wouldn't call this a disaster, this is more a..."

>Annoying inconvenience? It should be easy to get them to stop, I put in a failsafe to where they'll take orders from anyone in the castle.

"..."

>What?

"Anyone? Anyone at all?"

>Well not like a guard or someone, I meant like myself, you, Cadence, etcetera. Why do you ask.

Shiny's response was to point down, where Two was being carried along by the little army of golems like a piece of food being transported by ants. Behind her the golems had hefted several dozen bags of marchmalleys.

'Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeee~!'

>...

"..."

>I should probably stop this...

"But it's too adorable?"

>Yup.

"I know that feeling well."
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>Pinkie
"18"
~~~~~

>OH YEAH! TOP SPEAKER AGAIN!

"AHHHH! HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET IN HERE!?"

>Ahhh, don't be like that Teeny!

"NO! We are NOT doing the cute nickname shit how did you do that!? That door is deadbolted!"

>Aww, did you want some privacy while you think about Shinyliny'sdingdong?

"YES!"

>...Wow.

"Oh fuck you, like it's some big mystery I want to bounce on him like you'rebouncingonmydeskNO! GET THE FUCK OFF!"

>Hey! No shoving!

"If you don't mind, I have an Empire to ensure is running properly!"

>And you do a great job! Kind of wish ya'd do it for Equestria, actually. Then I could throw a party without Applejack being all "Paperworkpaperworkpaaaaaaapeeeeerrrrwwwwooooooorrrrkkkk!"

"GET OFF THE-"

*SQUEAK!*

"Did... did your stomach just make a little squeaky noise?"

>Depends on if it's tuesday, if not it was a high pitched swank.

"Wha-"

>I know what you're about to ask, but it's cause tuesday is bubble taffy breakfast day! But bubble taffy makes my stomach make squeaky noises. See? I'm not all random stuff. I have reasoning!

"...I'm just going to close my eyes, and count to five, and when I open them, be gone, okay?"

>Awww, but we never talk.

"One... Two..."

>Fine, be like that!

"...Five-WHAT THE FUCK!?"

{How the hell did I end up here?}

"EYES CLOSED ONETWOTHREEFOURFIVEBEGONEBEGONE.... huh."

>Prefer me now, don't you?

"...Was that an illusion, drugs, or was Chitania really just sitting on my desk?"

>E. It's answer E.

"...You scare me."

>Good.
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>Dadling
"Bat-mom"
~~~~~

>...Huh. Stuff's makin' a lot more sense now.

"Oh hey! You found my movie collection. It survived, yay! Was worried what's her face smashed it."

>There are a LOT of horror movies in here.

"It's pretty much all horror movies."

>...Weirdly sexual horror movies.

"It's just the cover art! Lots of cover art try stuff like that, it's to attract sad young teenagers to make them think they're buying porn without renting porn. Ugh, seriously taints otherwise fine cinema."

>...'On her way home from her grandmothers house, Little Red Running Cloak meets an unexpected creature, and her night is filled with intensity.'

"The intensity is the non-stop scares. It's a Were-Diamond Dog, really top notch suitwork."

>'Sunshine Sparks falls into a cavern during a routine cave spelunking expedition, and finds herself surrounded on all sides by creatures in the dark with no way out... or is there?'

"Harrowing tale of self reliance, ten out of ten."

>'Cheerleaders versus the Vampire Pony.'

"...Uh..."

>...Go on.

"...It uh... has really nice production values?"

>...

"...Look, before you say anything, this had absolutely NO bearing on when you and I-"

>Do you want me to change into this?

"...Beggin' your pardon?"

>This looks like fun, want me to change into this and act out one of these?

"...Oh my."

>What?

"I now know what pure happy feels like."

>...Tastes kind of like bubblegum cotton candy, actually.

"Shhhh, enough talk. I have... such sights to show you."
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>Batmom
"Dadling"
'Spike'
~~~
'I'm kind of surprised you two wanted me to DM for you, but I'm cool with that. To be honest, it is nice sometimes to take a break from tormenting Shiny and running a normal adventure. I mean I'd ask Twilight but she always wants to DM and she hates PCs with a passion.'

>Well, after both of us having been in service to the royals we should get to know eachother.

"And i've been wanting to try this game for awhile!"

'Oh! cool! You even turned into your character! Well, let's get started! You stand before a The Cave of Ordeals, a forboding, dank, wind sighs from the gaping maw. If you survive the dangers within, you will be lauded as heroes and claim the fortunes within and those of all who had fallen before you. What do you do.'

>Well, it's gonna be a dangerous trip, so we're gonna need some morale and stat buffs.

"And I'm a redeemed incubus cleric-"

'I think I know where this is going...'

"-and can grant her my entire prepared list of buffs without expending them for the day along with the usual buffs from carnal acts."

>Hmmm, but that takes a loooong time.

"I think we have that..."

The two begin acting it out...

On the floor

In front of Spike

'... I just don't get why I had to be called over for this.'

Spike glances at Glimmer and Dadling's sheet and blanches

'Damn... After this she's gonna be a powerhouse.'
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>29
"MM"
'Trixie'
[Zecora]
~ Guards ~
~~~~

>Will you stop fighting me so much!? The intangible souls of bitter orphans who haunt around my every moment are easier to grasp then yourselves!

"Too far, Niney! TOO FAR!"

'The GREAT and POWERFUL Trixie is drawing a line!'

[For all the bits in the world, I would not be a part of this task. No matter how nicely you put it, or how many bits you give when you ask!]

>You're being overly dramatic about this, and that's coming from ME!

'Oh, so you accept you're a pompous ass?'

>Hi, pot, I'm kettle, you're black.

'YOU'RE BLACK!'

[RACIST!]

>...
"..."
'...'

[I... I am sorry for the thing you just had to see. I do not know what happened, that is not like me!]

"Right... but Niney, this is a liiiittle bit much. You know I love ya', best buddy and all, but this... uh..."

'...29! Describe it in a fashion akin to torture!'

"Right, put it in sexy talk!"

>I am not your squawking parrot to screech at your command! Just because you asked does not mean I will say how every spoken word is as akin to a shard of glass cutting along the softest part of thine hoof, tearing with every step away from that horror as if it wished to prolong every second!

'Great! Good job!... I'm not paying for that one.'

>BITCH I DON'T WORK FOR FREE!

[But be serious, one of chitin and green flame. What you ask is a tall task, and fills me with shame.]

"Awww, you had to do it too?"

She did not answer, just started to sob. Tenderly, Mayor Mare embraced her.

>...IT'S JUST MONOPONY!

'THE HORROR!'

"PUT IT AWAY!"

[HISSSSS!}

>Look, really, what's going to happen-

~~~~~~

~Come on, missy.~

'I'M SORRY! I THOUGHT THIS WAS EQUESTRIA! IS THIS NOT EQUESTRIA!? I'M SORRY, I THOUGHT THIS WAS EQUESTRIA'

~CLEAR! Don't you die on me!~

[HNK!]

~I've got a pulse!~

"I-I just wanted to buy marehatten! I JUST WANTED TO BY MAREHATTEN!"

>Are you satisfied!? ARE YOU SATISFIED-

*FLASH!*

>["'~MY EYES!~'"]

'...Little assholes.'
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>Batmom
"Dadling"
'Spike'
-Twilight-
~~~
>I... needed that.

"Amazing."

'Well you two were busy, I brought in an assistant DM to help me scale the challenges a little to compensate for your buffs.'

>We're not THAT overpowered.

'Right now, you're a paladin who can one-shot their own god. Along with every other god in the pantheon. In one round with one attack.'

Dadling crunches the numbers

"Wow... Do you think gods have good loot?"

'Not enough to make a difference for you guys. Hey, you can come in now, they're done!'

Ominous Latin music plays while all the lights in the house go out. A shadowy, cloaked figure wakes in, all that's visible is hateful, purple eyes and a grin that hungers for suffering.

A heavy tome slams on the table

-Lady and gentleman... Welcome to the Tomb of Horrors...-

Batmom and Dadling share looks then nod

>"Bring it."
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>Batmom
"Dadling"
'Spike'
-Twilight-
~~~
-T-This cannot be!-

'Awesome! So you both slay Neutronium Golem Lich God and survived it's explosion.... I guess that's game.'

-Impossible! It's not fair!-

"Woo!"

>I know you could do it, honey!

-I... I...-

'Congrats, you two, you are the first to have ever survived a Twilight campaign all the way through! Wait till Shiny and the others hear about this! Think you might wanna join in on the more regular games?'

>Oh, maybe once the baby's born.

"Yeah, for now, Stella Lumous Glitter and her husband Shifter retire to greener pastures."

>And to look over our new kingdom we were rewarded

'Well, until then...'

Spike extends a hand and shakes both their hooves.

-I... It's not fair...-
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

>Zecora
"29"
[tGaPT]

[Remind the Great and Powerful Trixie why she's accompanying you on this jaunt into the Everfree Forest? I know you've told me, but for some reason it's difficult to remember whenever those timberwolves howl.]

"I've given so many over the last hour, which one do you want?"

*AWOOOOoooooo...!*

[All of them!]

"Well, I can think of none more adept at the subtle arts of deception and legerdemain, should this Zecora character be less than truthful."

[True, Trixie's prowess over prestidigitation is unparalleled!]

"Further, as a prodigious wanderer, you have my complete trust to keep us on the right path in these dangerous and trackless woods."

[This too I will grant you, the Great and Powerful Trixie is inordinately well-traveled.]

"I'll bet you are."

[What?]

"Huh?"

>Furthermore, in point of fact, your flank will predators attract; if for our lives we all must flee, you're surely slowest of us three.

"29!"

[That wasn't me.]

Zecora lets out a melodic chuckle right between the two friends, which was impressive since they were practically shoulder to shoulder.

[Sweet Cicadidae, where did you come from?!]
"Luna's moonkissed hindquarters!"

>Such minor magics do the spirits lend, to make the shadows around me bend. But stop such language and still your tongues, lest you offend the littlest ones.

[Wait... you're Zecora? The Zecora we're here to meet?]

>The one and same. I've garnered fame?

"I mentioned that I would be visiting you, and... well, no offense meant, but I wanted a, er, second opinion, as it were."

>I'll take no umbrage if you say it, you're unsure if I'm full of shit?

"Er..."

[...Emeralds.]

>Hm?
"What now?"

[Your cloak has an emerald in the clasp. Sapphires naturally pair well with glamours and hypnosis spells. Has to do with... uh, Thaumatological Resonance? I think that's what it's called.]

>The spirits do say going unseen comes easier to those in green. But it is they who grant me such great stealth, no unicorn trinkets adorn my shelf.

[Mmm...hm. What else do the 'spirits' do?]

"Now, Trixie--"

>No, no, bug friend, I am unafraid. I know which spirits lend me aid. You think I am a simple fraud? Then let me show you some things odd.

The zebra gave a little huff and dug into a bag around her neck, a thin layer of yellow dust coating her hoof as she pulled it back out. With a deep breath, she blew it into a cluster of nearby trees, a good 50 feet of aged trees bending away from the dust as it traveled straight as an arrow. At the end, carved into one tree itself, was a door with masks and jars stacked up on either side. The three walked toward it, Zecora leading the way as they talked.

[Hmm... maybe... mandrake leaves? And an amplification spell. No, uh... transition spell? I know that's mandrake leaves and something. It's not your spirits, it's simple magic. You're just trying to dupe my writer out of his hard-earned bits, aren't you? That's my job.]

>...My words are true, the spirits great. Do not insult them, or you tempt fate!

[Make your so-called spirits do something that I could not, and maybe I'll consider it!]

>Such insolence! Fine, observe the sight of Tu'nosorre's shining light!

Zecora touched a small necklace around her neck in the shape of a pony skull, whose mouth opened and shot out what looked like a miniature star. It formed leathery wings and swooped overhead, illuminating their way as they approached the door to her hut.

[So Tu'nosorre was a fruit bat cross-bred with a phoenix, then enchanted with a Heat Suppression spell? How interesting!]

>If that were true, a beak or claw would herald the creature, along with a 'caw'! Familiar as though the spirits may look, you will find nothing like them inside a spellbook!

"Girls, calm down, both of you! Zecora, what was the offer you told me about? Maybe we can settle this dispute that way?"

>...A contract with the great beyond I offer. In exchange, some help you'll proffer. If my spirits I coax to no longer hide, will you accept the aid they provide?

"I... I could do that, yes. If it's real. How about this: I'll enter this contract with you and your spirits, but only if Trixie accepts one too."

Trixie lets out a derisive little snort.

[Sounds wonderful, just remember that contracts with imaginary creatures don't hold up in court. Unless you're willing to hire an imaginary lawyer, I hear the tooth fairy just passed the bar exam last year, I'm sure he'd be willing to try your case--]

Zecora's hooves slam into the ground, the force actually staggering both Trixie and the changeling as she snorted. If she were less incensed, she might notice that Trixie had no quick explanation for such a feat. In a flash Zecora's nose was pressed right up against Trixie's, her mane threatening to knock the purple hat clean off her head.

>Do NOT disrespect the spirits, little mare! Don't you derogate or deride!

She cantered around the magician, the door creaking open without wind or hoof to move it as a series of candles inside lit of their own accord. With a casual bump of her hip, she sent the well-spoken changeling stumbling towards the entrance, her surprisingly strong foreleg dragging Trixie in as well.

>You're in my world now, not your world... and I've got friends on the other side!

29 looked around in fascination, Trixie with a bit of intrepidation, as they trotted down the stairs into Zecora's crowded little hut. From the corners of the room, they could hear a slight echo bounce from the decorative masks.

*She's got friends on the other siiiiiide...*

Trixie's had almost reached one of the masks when she felt a cold... something on her hoof, holding it from actually touching the ivory piece through the muzzle.

>Don't be touchin' Grampy Bone. We an' I say leave 'im alone.

Though Zecora was on the other side of the hut, 29 had no difficulty believing it was she who was making this happen. He looked on in fascination as the flickering candles cast a familiar shadow, stretching across Trixie's so it had the illusion of holding her hoof down. The shade seemed to bend as one candle's flame guttered, giving off the illusion (surely just the illusion) that it had winked at him.

>Now, sit down at my table, and put your mind at ease!

Trixie's shadow got tossed roughly across the room, her body following suit as it landed sideways in a chair near the center of the zebra's room. Not needing such a helping hand, he scrambled for his own seat.

>If you relax, it will enable me, to do anything I please. I can read your fortunes, I can change them around some, too! Give you strength to aid these childrens' souls..."

She leaned in close to 29, her look much more gentle with her back to Trixie (who was too busy trying to figure out what had thrown her like that to notice anyhow)

>(You will help them, won't you?)

And just like that, the softness was gone as she was back to full ham mode, leaping up onto the table on her hind hooves.

>Make their wildest dreams come true!

Her hooves pointed to various fetishes and jars of potions as she sang, an errant buck eliciting a flame from one container in the surprisingly realistic shape of a phoenix,

>I've got voodoo, I've got hoodoo, I've got things I've never tried!

The whole house seemed teeming with activity out in the corner of the two visitors' eyes, but they could never quite catch something in the act of moving or pouring or humming along.

>And... I've got friends, on the other side!

The masks gave off that eerie echo again, louder this time. Deeper. That wasn't Zecora's voice, no matter how warped it got.

*She's got friends on the ooother siiiiide...*

She clopped her hoof on the table, a deck of cards flying from her dresser and spreading themselves neatly across the table as she gestured to them. 29 looked down at them, arching an eyebrow more out of curiosity than doubt at this point.

>The cards.
"The cards?"
>The cards will tell. Your past, your present, and your future as well!

Trixie, though put off by everything else in the room, had apparently found the one thing she could be properly derisive of.

>The cards!
[Really, the cards?]
>Just.
Zecora flashed them a mischievous smile, giving an exaggerated flourish of the hoof as she tapped the left,
>Pick.
right,
>Three.
and middle of the spread,

>Take a little trip into your future with meeee...

The pair did as they were told, 29 opting to pick from three different points, Trixie snatching up three consecutive cards in her magic to get it over with quickly.

The striped mare made a small gesture with her hoof, 29's card flipping over to reveal... The Empress. Loveliness in the physical sense.

>Now you, dark one, adore aristocracy, and are an avid fan of rooooyalty...

She gives a chuckle, leaning in conspiratorially as she confides in him:

>(I say it only as a point of interest: my mother's mother was a Neigh-gerian Princess)

>with your standards high, but your prospects low...

she flips the next card to reveal: Four of Cups. Love taken for granted, being unappreciative of what is had.

>You'll need humility and kindness to make love grow!

Trixie gave an audible snort, muttering something about "gross overgeneralizations", but 29 was enraptured with the zebra's description of his past, surprisingly accurate for a mare who had seen him all of once.

The third card flips to reveal: Queen of Pentacles. Nurturer and caretaker.

>But the future before you, should you strike this deal, is wealth both spiritual and corporeal!

she gave him a warm smile, and from the doorway came a tittering sound that could almost be mistaken for laughter. The striped pony's smile never left as she shifted her attention, though there was nowhere near as much mirth behind it as she regarded the grey-maned unicorn.

>On you, little mare, I cannot waste much time. You have magical, talent, true...

She gestured down at the card which Trixie herself had been half-peeking at: Three of Wands, self-reliance and great power.

>But your ego and your brashness have seen you pushed from many towns, and were it not for your friend here...

Ten of wands, dependency on another from overuse of one's own strengths.

>You'd be run off from Ponyville, too!

Her jab was well-deserved, but Zecora at least had the decency to finish her telling on a happier note:

>But in your future, should you ALSO accede:

King of Wands, changer of the world to match one's vision, ruler of ponies' motivations

>The greatness and power you so desperately need!

She gave the mare a shrug; if Trixie didn't believe, it was all moot anyway, but so long as she was offering her aid in the spiritual realm, what was a little nudge in the right direction for the physical too? Her shadow seemed to loom behind the two of them, waiting expectantly.

>Will you enter the contract, to save these foals? For wealth and adoration, or their eternal souls?

29 and Trixie looked at each other, the changeling arching his eyebrow. He knew what his answer was, but he'd trust the magical mare's judgement. Trixie may not be the loveliest personality, but she was his best indicator of if the kooky zebra was running a scam or a real offer.

Slowly, the caped mare touched her hoof to Zecora's, 29 following in short order.

>Yeeeeeeesssss...

The spirits behind the masks no longer hid, as the entire room bounced to life once more. Dolls, puppets, masks, creations, all seemed to hum with energy as they danced around, bottles of potions popping their own corks and flowing multicolored mists across the floor.

>Are you ready?

Zecora bellowed, stomping on a vial that burst beneath her hoof, shrouding her in smoke.

>ARE YOU... READY?!

The smoke cleared to reveal an onyx-black zebra, stripes in alternating green and yellow an purple and red as she danced wildly around the room, mixing and stirring and rattling masks.

>Sight beyond sight!

Soft fingers seemed to hold 29's head in place, his blue eyes widening against his will.

>MIGHT BEYOND MIGHT!

Trixie's horn was enveloped in a swirl of color to match Zecora's stripes, the lines flowing up the natural spiral of her horn.

>Send them now to the light!

Zecora's shadow made a fantastic leap and slammed into the door, kicking it open to reveal a forest positively teeming with the silvery outlines of foals, their eyes pouring out golden light as they chatter quietly amongst themselves.

>The contract is sealed, there's no turning back! I hope that this satisfies...

She gives a whistle, and suddenly every pair of eyes (thousands of them, it seems like) are all pointed at the trio, watching with rapt attention as they realize that the strangers can see them.

>But if it won't, don't blame me! You can blame my friends...

The foals begin a march towards the house, crowding in as their rapid-fire questions get flung at 29.

>On the other siiiiiiiiide!

Zecora gave another melodic chortle and passed effortlessly through the crowd, turning to beckon the visitors to accompany her back to Ponyville. When they seemed reluctant, she rolled her eyes and held up a hoof, swatting it down. Just like that, everything in the house stopped moving... except the wraiths. One looked up at 29.

@Are you my mummy...?@

He grabbed Trixie and bolted after Zecora.


_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

>Sombra
"Shiny"
'Guard'
~Two~

>Celestia.

"Nope."

>Are you blind!?

Sombra and Shiny are in the doorway a few hours later from when Two and her marchmalleys passed by, they are both regarding a passing tub of ice cream critically.

>It's Moose Tracks, the Sun Posterior prefers that flavor!

"She's not in the castle today, so it's obviously Chrysalis. This point is mine, fog boy."

>Damn you. Tied again. Wait, here we go.

A series of different colored lipglosses flowed by on the sea of tiny artificial ponies.

>Cadence!

"18!"

>Nonsense!

"No I saw that exact same color come through fifteen minutes ago, and 18 has be staying on top of copying Cadence lately. Still can't get the flank right though."

>She should try more creative measures of shrinking down that rear, like a belt sander. The point is yours, I concede. Hmm...now what's this?

A guard is dragged kicking and screaming down the halls.

'NO! PLEASE! I WASN'T SLEEPING! DON'T TAKE ME TO THE DRILL YARD AGAIN!'

>42!

"42-darn, got me."

>Haha!

"Huh, can I ask for a time out?"

>Afraid I will finally break this deadlock?

"No it's not that, I gotta ask, how much mileage did you get out of these things?"

>Currently? Hours of entertainment and far farrrr to much knowledge of some of our castle-mates' personal lives. I may keep one or two of these around after I remember how to dispel the magical energy keeping them running.

"No I mean...before."

>Oh...right. Before. Well I will not lie, they played a vital role in keeping the subjects in line as well as making up over 90% of my armies. Having a population that fears and reviles you tends to make for low morale.

"I can imagine."

>The last time I really used them I'd...rather not talk about.

"Come on, Somby, I won't judge."

>A noble displeased me and...well...

"Yeahhhh?"

>The word 'culling' may have been used...in reference to family members...

"Wow...I just...wow..."

>I said I didn't want to talk about it. Dark magic is...intoxicating, if I'm honest, but it accentuates every single vice you have.

Sombra looks down at the marching mini-Golems.

>Sometimes I think that if our quixotic quest to return me to life were successful, it would only be right for the citizens of the Empire to call for my execution.

"Sombra, don't think like that. You have a lot to live for now, we just have to actually make you alive."

>I intend to be a loyal servant of the empire, whether I breathe or not. It is the only fitting penance...though I would rather be alive for a singular reason.

"Why?"

Two comes around on the mini golem conveyor belt for possibly the twentieth time, sitting atop a mountain of marchmalleys.

~Wheeeeeeee!~

Sombra cracks a small smile.

>I'd be able to hug her back.

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

>Fizzle
"Store pony"
'Griffon customer'
~~~
'So, who're you placing your money on in the Equestrian Games?'

"Stalliongrad's got a pretty solid lineup this year. Assumin' they ain' caught fer all the steroids they're pumpin' into their athletes!"

'Hah! Totally, gramps!'

The door suddenly bursts open revealing Fizzle with his gun held 'gangsta' style

>EVERY PONY, ON THE FUCKING FLOOR, NOW! AND OPEN THE REGISTERS! GIMME YOUR BITS! ALL OF THEM!

"Do you want me to get on the floor first or open the regis-"

>Don't fuck with me old man or I'll fuck you up the ass!

'Hey, man at least calm down enough to hold that gun properly, you're gonna hurt yourself if you try to fire like that.'

>I SAID I WANT THE FUCKING MONEY!

The shopkeeper and griffon nod to eachother

"Alright, son... You want the money and us down on the floor?"

'TAKE IT!'

The griffon smashes the register at Fizzle while the storepony drops and hits the alarm, the griffon's dropped in kind into a crouch and tackles the distracted Fizzle

Fizzle manages to throw the griffon aside and points his gun at the now prone griffon

BLAM!

>Ah! Son of a cocksucking bitch!

He missed, and the recoil smashed the gun into his face

"Now, son, he warned you-"

>Fuck off, shitface!

Fizzle empties his gun wildly into the counter before grabbing the register and some bits that had spilled out and fleeing

>FUCK YES! I'M THE KING OF FUCKING EVERYTHING! WHOOO!

Back inside the store

"You alright there, Haast?"

'Yeah, a bit embarrassed he actually fended me off. But what about you?'

"Strange as it seems to be to say... I'm more worried about that young dragon."

Distantly they can still hear Fizzle cheering

>WHOOOOO!
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

>Applejack
"Celestia"
~~~~~~

>...Did.. did the Equestrian Games just happen?

"What?"

>Can't be. No way did we jus' hype that up fer', what, months on end? And then just do that.

"Feels like more than a year, really, but that's impossible."

>No way did we just focus on more mundane shit while the whole prospect of tons o' lands commin' together got swept under the rug.

"I have no idea what you're talking about."

>No BUCKIN' way did we just gloss over somethin' we spent an ENTIRE DAY winnin' over fer' the Empire. This is bullshit. THIS IS SUCH A LOAD OF-

"Applejack, the games haven't happened yet. We had to postpone them because of Bugzilla, remember?"

>...W-where am I?

"In Canterlot."

>R.. right. That's right... what the hell happened there?

"No idea. You just kind of randomly spazzed out."

>Ah... Ah' think I need ta' lay off the coffee.

"Good call. Now please stop strangling that guard, he's two days from retirement."

NON CANON
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Pommel shrunk back from the gaze of the halfblind pirate captain, almost knocking into Daw in the process. The imposing earth pony merely regarded him with the same look of expectant scorn he had worn when the question was asked.

"How...how do I intend to make it right?" Pommel repeated, "I can...I can pay! Yeah, I can pay you guys back!"

"Yer a gardener," Daw said from his side, "How d'ye propose t'pay us back?"

"A gardener?" The captain raised an eyebrow.

"Aye, well t'hear this ponce pronounce it, he's a garrrrrrrrdener," Daw smirked.

A moment of realization crossed over the captain's face before he bellowed out a hearty laugh, Daw joining in. Pommel nervously gave a few chuckles, hoping that he wasn't going to be cut off again (possibly by the captain's sword).

"Oh don't be so hasty, Daw," The captain grinned, which was somehow just as terrifying as his snarl, "I think a garrrrrdener could have an abundance of funds...lying around, isn't that right?"

Pommel nodded stiffly.

"Two thousand bits sounds about right for our pain and suffering, wouldn't you agree?" The captain said as he turned away from Pommel.

"TWO THOUSAND!?" Pommel's mouth dropped.

"One thousand for the bounty you cheated us of, one for the harpoon that's lost in the hide of that damnable eel, is there an issue?" The captain looked over his shoulder.

"I don't know what you've heard about...gardeners, but they don't have that kind of money!" Pommel said, exasperation overtaking common sense, "You can't just-"

"He can do whatever he pleases, boy," Daw hissed in his ear, "He's the cap'n."

"Please..." Pommel said slowly, "Give me some other way to pay my debt, I just...I want to go home."

The captain stood silently for what felt like an eternity, hoof tracing over a chart on his desk. Each second made Pommel's dread increase, fearing his outburst would only make his demise that much more agonizing.

Finally the captain broke his silence, "In three weeks time, we make for the city of Puerto Caballo, the closest we're willing to get to Equestrian waters. In that time you will work amongst my crew, earn your pay, and get a share of whatever scores we take in along the way."

The captain fixed his eyes on Pommel's, "Three weeks, lad, three weeks and however long it takes us to get to that port. Work hard, fight well, get extremely lucky, and you may pay off your debt to us."

"I...uh...well..." Pommel blinked, "Thanks..."

"Oh don't thank me," The smirk was back on the captain's face, "Daw, see to it the gardener learns how to actually fight, and set him to scrubbing the deck. Tell the crew we make for Tortoiga, we need to find something to salvage this voyage."

"Aye Cap'n Evergreen!" Daw nodded, then turned to Pommel, "C'mon, lad, let's get ya broken in."

"Wait a minute," Pommel looked back at the captain, "What happens if I can't pay you back?"

The captain smirked and shrugged, musing over a ship in a bottle, "I wonder if Puerto Caballo kicked out that camel slaver yet..."

"...okayyeahlet'sgo," Pommel turned on a dime and quickly followed Daw out of the cabin, the captain's booming laugh followed after him.

Three weeks...he had to make them count.


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>29
"Zecora"
[Guard]
~~~~~

[Okay, explain it to me ONE more time.]

>UGGGH! THY ACCURSED DEFENDER OF THE POPULACE!... Very well! You see, our endeavor brought us to this land, this tiny square upon which you stand. For you see, in a mudslide some six hundred years since past, a great ton of force crashed down on a poor filly who had been cast out into the world by an uncaring loved one who hopefully now faces blades of fire within their rectums every morn on the day. She wished us to excavate her remains, so that we might give her a rest with others of her ilk and kind, a gesture to show she was not buried in memory along with her body. So we dig.

[...Okay, I got 'so we dig', but... uh...]

"Are you slow, a fool in the form of a pony? We seek to move the dirt to find a skeleton so boney. Within this earth lies the remain of one who was lost. To let her soul finally be at rest, a bit of digging is a small cost."

[Yeah, I don't... is the rhyming necessary?]

>That is not for you to judge! Our manner of speech is one of our choosing, never to be governed by the state! Woe, WOE unto the royal who seeks to hold his subjects tongue, for woe is all that shall come of one so dumb!

[...I'm... I'm just going to let you guys keep digging, okay? I might come back later with a thesaurus and try to figure out what you said, but until then you just... you keep doin', okay?]

>...Fine. I shall keep... ugh, "doin'"

[Great.]

>...Do you think our manner of speech is really so strange?

"...Naahhhh."

>Me either. Plebeians.
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

>Applejack
"Spike"
'Shining Armor'
~~~
Spike sits lazily in a chair before Chief Applejack

>Consarnit, Spike! Ya blew up tha evidence again! Yer a loose cannon!

"But can you deny I'm a damn good cop? Listen, Applejack, I didn't want to blow up that meth lab, but no plan ever survives the battlefield."

>Neither do any o' tha suspects you pursue.

"Not my fault they don't talk before they bleed out."

>Yeah, well yer gettin' a new partner!

"Fuck that noise, chief! You know I work alone!"

Both grow somber

>Ya didn' always...

Spike idly touch a burnt purple feather in his pocket

"... Well I do now."

>too bad. You need someone out on tha field to reel you in! An' this fella knows his stuff, graduated top o' the academy an' ready ta serve!

"Great, a rookie."

'The name's Shining Armor, detective Spike, with all due respect, sir.'

>Better thing ta call 'im: 'partner'.

"Faust dammit..."

This summer: Shining Armor and Spike star in...

CANTERLOT VICE!

NON CANON
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