Thread 38: Stories 1-15

Thread 38 archive: http://archive.moe/mlp/thread/19310984
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This, my dear minions, is a series of stories based around the recent ascension of my once foe, but now mostly minor annoyance, Applejack. Shortly after her ascension, I, QUEEN CHRYSALIS, arrived to her pitiful castle, and have been mostly amusing myself by causing her torment. It's been mostly humorous, but sometimes there have been troubling moments.

How did my greatness all start?
>WHOA WHOA WHOA! WAIT A MINUTE, MOTHER! I have to do WHAT to ascend and become a Queen?
>...Uh... wellll... You see, you have to-

Huh. Probably shouldn't tell you all about that.

If you want to see just how much fun I've had since I arrived, and oh it has been a ball, check out the pastebin for all of my glorious feats: http://pastebin.com/u/PrincessApplejack

If you just want to know where my greatness has lead currently, you may wish to see the most recent thread. >>http://archive.heinessen.com/mlp/thread/S19224385

You know what you ought to do? Try writing a story. I promise you, my mockery shall be reserved only for those who deserve it. Granted, I am the only one who does not deserve it, but don't let that stop you.
Or if you prefer a more artistic slant, put pen to paper and see if you can even amuse me. Best of luck.
Or if all of that is too much for your poor mind to handle, join me in mocking these poor fools! It is such an amazing way to pass the time.

Are you new to this grand tale? Then by all means, ask away, the answers you receive will most likely be helpful. Most likely.

Thread 38? Really? Huh. Wait, that can't be right, then that means you guys waited to ask me till after even... OH, WHAT THE FU-
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

>Cheese
"SA"
'Twilight'
[Velvet]
{NL}
%Cadence%
^2^
~IR~
-CQ-
(Pinkie)
|Limestone|
=Marble=
+Maud+
~~~~

>AAALLLLLLRIGHTYOH HOHOOOO CONTESTANTS!? Are you ready for the most fun never done loving some time in the sun of this one!?

"No."

'I'm not ready for this at all!'

[HUSH!]

{Let's just... pray. Okay?}

%You know what? I'm ready! I think this will be fun!%

[We are not here for fun! WE ARE HERE FOR VICTORY!]

^Shiny says it's important ta' do your best, but not cry if you lose.^

[WELL I WILL! SO DON'T LOSE!]

"Mom, stop crushing my hoof."

>This contest is to test FAMMMMILY UNITY! How close can you get!?

~Simple.~

-We could not have picked an easier contest.-

(Mommy? Daddy? Can we, uh, can we talk about this? That's kiiiiiiid of my bestest best friend in the whole wide world over there-)

~No.~

(...M'kay...)

>Two contestants from both sides are chosen at random, and the one to answer the most questions to prove they know their family well wins!

%pleasedon'tpickmepleasedon'tpickmepleasedon'tpickmepleasedon'tpickmepleasedon'tpickmepleasedon'tpickme%

>Reaching into our super duper party bowl now, annnnnnd... FROM THE PIES WE'VE GOT.... PINKIE! And.... LIMESTOOOOONE!

|Pfft, this'll be a snap.|

=TAN THEIR FLANKS, SIS!=

+This is fun. I'm enjoying this time together.+

>And from the other side...

%pleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleaseplease-%

>SHINING ARMOR! And....

%PLEASEPLEASEPLEASEPLEASEPLEASEPLEASEPLEASEPLEASEPLEASEPLEASEPLEASEPLEASE%

>TWILIGHT SPARKLE!

%YEAHHHH! OH YEAH! WOOOOOO!%

>...
"..."
'...'

%... Go get'em, Shiny!%

"Uh... huh."

>Contestants, to the stage!

Both sets of siblings joined at either side of the podium, each one placed in front of a tiny buzzer.

"Uh...good luck?"

'Yeah. Let's, you know, try to enjoy this? I did want to spend more time with you here recently. This could work.'

(Twi? Don't try to sugar coat this, and that's coming from me.)

|YOU ARE GOING DOWN! Nobody knows family like the Pie clan!|

>Alllllrighty then siblings! It's time to prove you KNOW! YOUR! FAMILYYYYYY! First question! “What day did they loose their first baby tooth?”

(...Huh?)

|Who would possibly know-|

*BZZZT!*

“THREE DAYS BEFORE HEARTHS WARMING EVE WHEN SHE WAS FOUR!”

>CORRECT! Twilight? If you answer too, you get DOUBLE points-

*BZZT!*

'AGE FIVE THE DAY BEFORE WINTER WRAP UP AT THE PARK WHEN FELL OFF THE JUNGLE GYM!'

>THAT IS CORRECT! But uh ohhhhh! You hit the buzzer when you answered a bonus question!

'Was... was that bad?'

>You better believe it! Because now, their side has a chance to steal allllll the points!

'Really should have gotten a rulebook or something.'

>All Limestone has to do is answer one question... “What were Pinkie's first words?”

|...How the crumbly rock love would I know that!?|

>ENNNNHHH! WRONGO! It was “Ouchiedoodles!”

|...|

(I hit my head on a rock.)

>But now they've got the chance to steal it all back with a bigger bonus still! Twilight? Same question!

'FIRE!'

>THAT IS CORRECT!

(Wait, what?)

[I uh... may have... left the stove on once. And we ended up remolding the kitchen shortly after.]

>Wow, with this much of a headstart, we can go right to the rapid fire lightning round!

|Okay, we got this, don't panic and we can win it all back!|

(WE CAN DO IT!)

>Rapid fire questions, just answer as fast as you can. Ready... GO! Grade point average during highschool?

(What!?)

*BZZT!*

“Four point oh in all categories except social studies, home economics and swim class!”

>CORRECT! Bonus points for getting specific! When did they have their first date?

|Why would I-|

*BZZT!*

'Two days before hearts and hooves day because Shiny couldn't get that day off!!'

>CORRECT! Motivation too, we're on a roll. Favorite landscape?

*BZZT!*
“The geosphere at the top of the glass mountain!”
>DING! Favorite restaurant?
*BZZT!*
'Cantertrot Grill!'
>RIGHTORENO! Favorite haircare product?
*BZZT!*
“Stripes and slices, mango scented!”
>Right down to the flavor! Speaking of, favorite bubble gum?
*BZZT!*
'SMACKYTAFFY!'

|This seems a touch unfair.|

(How are we supposed to know any of that!?)

Ever so subtly, Shining leaned closer to his sisters ear.

“You know what? This is coming off a bit one sided.”

'Yeah, this seems mean.'

“Mercy?”

Suddenly, a whole bunch of blaring lights and strobe effects started going off.

>UH OOOOOOOOOH! It looks like someone said the word!

“...Mercy?”

>AND HE CLARIFIES IT FOLKS! Slip of the tongue save is now void! You know what that meaaaaaans!

“I... I don't...”

>You've just given Pinkie and Limestone the chance to steal ALL! YOUR! POOOOOINTS!

“...Right, so, rulebooks. We handing those out at some point?”

'Uh oh.'

[SHINY HOW COULD YOU!?]

-Daughter, now is the time to strike.-

+The suspense is so much. I can barely take it.+

{Wow, that is so creepy. Not even a slight raise above monotone.}

>All Limestone has to do is answer ONE,super easy multiple possible answer question, and they have completely stolen this game!

|WE GOT THIS!|

(IT'S IN THE BAG!)

>Limestone... name ONE of Pinkie's imaginary childhood friends.

And thus, the world went silent.

|...Her... what?|

(MY FRIENDS! The things I used instead of dolls! Like the bag of flo-)

>No helping, Pinkie! That would be cheating!

|I uh... uhhhhh.... er....|

“'[{-~=^%….%=^~-}]'”

>Just one of them. She had four. Any one of them will work.

|Uhhhhhh..... w-wweeeelllllll...|

“'[{-~=^%….%=^~-}]'”

|...Pass?|

~Daughter, no...~

-This is truly our darkest moment.-

(REALLY!? MISTER TURNIP! SIR LINTSALOT! MADEME LE FLOUR! One of their names was freaking ROCKY! ROOOCKKYYY!)

|...Wait, you NAMED those piles of things you talked to? Pinkie, you have problems.|

>Well! Not that you need it, but how do you guys feel like doubling your points?

'This seems cruel.'

>Childhood toy?

“Smarty pants.”

'A tiny little pony doll he taped a shield to and called Blocky.'

>Correct! Annnnd Correct! Would also have accepted Princess Twinklehair and Prince Sheildington.

“Oh yeah, those guys.”

'Aww, we used to have little weddings with them and everything!'

[That freaking playset cost me a fortune...]

{And then they abruptly broke it two weeks in.}

'Sorry, Pinkie, but nobody's closer than me and my BBBFF! We're intimate on a level you can't match!'

“We're just really, super, super close. You don't even know.”

'Like THIS!'

They suddenly embraced, tightly gripping the other.

"Like, this close. And then some."

(I can't even look at you right now.)

|I'm sorry!|

“Aww, now I feel bad... Mercy?”

>MERCY ROUND 2 GO! Limestone, time to redeem yourself!

|Lowball me, please, I'm begging you.|

'Please do.'

“I do not care how easy you make this.”

[SHINY STOP GIVING THEM AN EDGE WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU!?]

{Honey, he's just being nice-}

[STUFF IT!]

>You know what? Sure. Limestone? What shop has Pinkie worked at since she arrived at Ponyville?

|............................... OH! SALT SQUARE CORNER!|

“'[{-~=^%….................................%=^~-}]'”

(ARE YOU *HONKING NOISE* KIDDING ME!?)

|I uh... what?|

>Sugar Cube Corner.

|OHHHH! No, wait, that's right, I... Oh, crud.|

'...Please end it now...'

>AND THE WINNERS OF THIS ROUND ARE... SHINING ARMOR AND TWILIIIIIIGHT!

*APPLAUSE!*

|Well... I'm sitting in the corner when we get back home.|

(Yeah, I'd say so.)

[WOOT WOOOT! IN YOUR FAAAAAACE!]

~Enjoy your victory.~

-It will be your last.-

[SUUUUUURE!]

>WELL! With that out of the way, we're on to our next contest! They've got the lead, but can they keep it? Stick around and find out!

%WAY TO GO SHINY!%

^YER THE BEST!^

{Proud of you guys!.. Though not as much as your mother...}

[UH! YEAH! UUUUHHHHH!\

“... I feel bad.”

'Me too.'

>Maybe I should have asked the question about his pants size?

'20 inches.'

>...

'...What? What little sister doesn't know her brothers pants size?'

“I know her dress size too.”

>...Maybe this was more unfair than expected.

[WOOOOOOOOO!]

+...This is exciting, and I am having fun...+
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>???
"???"
'???'
-???-
~???~


>Hold out, men! The siege is long, the battle arduous, but as long as your hearts remain strong, so too will our walls!

"Sir, there is talk of retreat on the eastern flank!"

>Execute those that run, if they cannot serve on the frontline they shall serve on the firing line!

'Sir! Sir! The vile enemy is attempting to assail the treacherous giant!'

>Bah! Let him fall, the uwages of his duplicity! We must defend our comrade to our last breaths! Do not let the beasts break through our mighty walls, if they do, they are sure to-

High Roller blinked from his spot standing on his chair as the little cock roach chittered and skittered atop the pizza box battlements as legions of stuffed animals rammed against them. High Roller had made the tactical retreat to a position that was most certainly not involving him standing on tippy hooves on his seat like a housewife.

>*chitter! Chitter chitter! CHITTER! CHITTER! CHIIITTEEEEERRRRR!*

-What'd he say!? 32! Context, please!-

~...~

-Are you asleep again!? Wake up! Oh Faust they're climbing the chair! Someone heeeeeeelp!
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>JJ
"Actarius"
~~~~

>...Did we... miss something?

"The giant stage filled with what looks like Discord's idea of a relaxing evening all over it?"

>Yeah, that. I swear, everytime I turn around there's always something new about to pop out.

"Right? Need to just walk around with your neck curled and looking back."

>Would get a mad kink in there, but at least I'd be able to see it happen.

"Totally worth it to see whatever is coming."

>But then I guess it might hit me in the face.

"Meh, risk worth taking."

>I guess.

"...So what's all this about anyway?"

>No idea, I don't recognize half of them.

"Me either. Guess that's what happens when you're a guy who gets pushed on his side."

>...

"To the side, I meant."

>Oh, right, that makes sense.
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"Random Changelings"
~~~~

"Okay, so, feeding 58 to them did not help."

"YOU DICKS!"

"You drew the short straw! Sorry! 13's not here."

"So, uh, what do we do?"

"Well, technically, we should probably be fighting them. You know, defend the hive and all that."

"Uh huuuuhh...."

"Oooorr... we just shut those kitchen doors and mack on some cake."

"I like that option!"

"Oh yeah, totally nice."

"I'm with it"

"Right? They're probably happy with 59."

'58. I'm 59-ACK! NOOOOO-"

*SLAM!*

"...M'kay, pass me some of those crumble cakes."

"..."

"I have a great throwing arm."

"AT ONCE!"

"Attta boy."
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>Cadence
"Marble"
'SA'
[Pinkie]
~~~

>THIS IS A LOAD OF SPARKLEWAFFLES!

"It's not that bad."

>THERE IS GOO RAINING DOWN ON ME!

"Well, you shouldn't have gotten the question wrong."

>TROTSVANIA IS NOT EVEN A REAL COUNTRY!

"It used to be, back when this competition was made."

>OH! I see! So we'll update the parts that involve whether or not my husband knows his sister's favorite vacation spots, but not which COUNTRIES ARE STILL ACTIVE!?

'She has a point.'

[I didn't write it!]

>This is a load of farfignuton!

*BWEEOOO!**BWEEOOO!**BWEEOOO!**BWEEOOO!**BWEEOOO!*

*SPLASH!*

>WHY!?

"You said the secret word of the day."

>OH DEAR CELESTIA IT'S IN MY HAIR! IT'S SO DEEP IN MY HAAAAIR! THIS IS WHY I DON'T DO THAT THING, SHINY!

'Got it, dear.'

>BECAUSE OF THE GOOP, SPECIFICALLY!

'Right, please stop.'

>AND IT'S IN MY HAAAAAIR!

'...Life sucks sometimes.'

[Hey, at least something is!]

"..."
'...'

[...I am so sorry...]
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>2
"Maud"
'SA'
[Cadence]
{Pinkie}
~CQ~
-IR-
~~~~~~

>Okay... so... what am I s'posed to do?

Directly in front of her, Maud only furrowed her brow ever so slightly, and twitched. Behind her, Shining Armor was smacking a hoof to his face.

'PIN HER HOOF!'

Her curious eyes went back to the table where her hoof was currently locked with Maud's, shaking slightly but not moving.

>Ooooohh... wait, what?

[SWING HER HOOF DOWN!]

>But she's pushin' it!

"That is the object of this competition. You are to push against me, I push against you, and then the winner is the one who pushes harder."

>Ohhhhh... I don't get it.

~Daughter, why have you not defeated her yet?~

-This has been drawn out too long. We know you are enjoying yourself, but it is no longer exciting to us.-

{Um, Mom? Dad? Welllll, thing is, Two's a little... special.}

~We know, her father would not stop speaking of her.~

{No no, I mean she's... well... special. Cannonball to the face is like a tickle special.}

-...You don't mean...-

"I am sorry, mother, father, but her hoof is like trying to move a state stone."

~My word.~

>Did you say cake stone?

"State stone. It is a legendary term used to describe pillars that could hold up continents."

>Ohhhhh.

"...Why have you not ended this?"

>I don't know what to do!

'TWO!'

>Yeah, Shiny?

'PUT HER HOOF! TO! THE! TABLE!'

>OOOOOH! Okay!

*SLAM!*

>Like that?

'...'
[...]

>...What?

'Wrong way, sweetie.'

>Ooohhh... oh.

~And thus, we have gained another victory.~

-Hooray.-

"...This was fun."

>YAY!

[No yay, Two.]

>Awwww...
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>Twilight
"SA"
'Cadence'
[Velvet]
{Nightlight}
^Limestone^
+Marble+
(Pinkie)
-IR-
~CQ~
=Maud=
~~~~

>YOU MONSTERS!

"You abhorrent, disgusting MONSTERS!"

'Two, sweetie, don't look!'

*sobbing*

[NO COMPETITION IS WORTH THIS!]

{Too far, man, too far!}

^D-daddy, why!?^

+Did we make you angry!? IS THIS SOME SORT OF PUNISHMENT!? I'M SORRY! I DON'T KNOW WHAT I DID BUT I'M SO SORRRRRRY!+

(This is the WORST! THING! EVERRRR!)

-...Dear, I thought you said you told that Cheese Sandwich fellow to leave that part out?-

~I thought I did, he might've not heard me.~

-Must not, can't imagine he disobeys when you command him. No spine for it.-

>So, wait, you didn't mean to put that there?

-Child, the game of finding the flag is a beloved one to our family line, but even we agree hiding it in the giant peanutbutter sandwich was too far.-

~Wars were started over this.~

-Children murdered.-

~Towns burnt to the ground.~

-We are a very hard line.-

~But nobody is that hard.~

-So... could we get that off the stage? Just looking at it is giving me flashbacks to the great riot of my teenage years.-

~The horror will burn with me forever.~

=Are you guys certain? It looks enjoyable.=

-...Daughter, speak no more, I am starting to fear you.-

=Drat.=
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>SA
"Marble"
~~~

>Can I just say right now I do not in fact have a problem with your family, and that I find this whole competition insane?

"Oh, I agree. Pinkie never stops talking about Twilight. Twilight and that, on and on. And you're pretty nice too! I mean, you seem like a great guy, to be honest."

>Hey, thanks.

Without missing a beat, he ducked under a swing of her massive, double ended pugil stick, the gigantic squishy top flying right over his head.

>You seem pretty hard working and resilient too. Pinkie talks plenty about how great you are at your job on the farm. And trust me, she wishes you would write more.

She blocked a shot to the face, taking him slightly off balance with a surprising amount of pushback.

"You know, I keep meaning to, but stuff always gets in the way."

He parried another shot by her, getting an opening to land right on her chest, but sadly unable to knock her off her rock hard stance.

>Tell me about it. Got so busy we didn't even have time to tell Twilight that I had proposed to Cadence. And nevermind me getting to spend time with her now! Heck, I don't even get to spend time with my wife anymore.

Her retaliation brushed right past his ear, ruffling his mane as he just barely dodged the blow.

"Oof, that's rough buddy. But hey..."

She abruptly slammed down hard on his pugil stick, locking it to the ground and leaving it wide open. A devilish smirk crossed her lips.

"...At least you've got that nifty harem."

She prepared to strike with the opening granted, her victory assured.

Which is why it was all the more shocking when he suddenly broke free of what should have been her much, much stronger grip and sent her flying with one all powerful swing.

After slamming into the wall and slowly sliding down, the ringing in her ears was almost loud enough she didn't hear he scream.

>ENOUGH WITH THE HAREM THING!

Well, on the positive side, if she could hear that, the world would stop spinning any minute now!

...Any minute now...
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

>AJ
"Rarity"
'Arana'
[Dash]
{Fluttershy}
~Spike~
~~~~

>...What in tarnation did Ah' miss?

"A family feud, apparently."

>Uh oh. Those're pretty bad. Couple o' mah' cousin's got involved and it got real messy.

*SPLAT*!

>...Not that kinda messy, though. Lots more, uh, goo than expected.

'Can I go next!?'

~Sorry, it's personal. Can't get involved in family stuff. ~

'Awww...'

>So, wait, why ain't ya'll up there?

~I hid under the table when this started up.~

>...

~...Screw you, she's scary when she gets like this. You haven't felt terror unless you've seen Misses Velvet in a competitive environment. She took me to a soccer match once and would not stop screaming that I should 'get my head in the game.'~

>That don't sound so bad.

~I wasn't even on a team...~

>Ah.

[This is freaking amazing.]

{Oh, I hope Cadence isn't hurt too bad.}

[Nahhh, she took that pie to the face like a champ. Heh, only time she gets anything creamy to the face, right?]

...

[...I miss Pinkie.]

~I got it.~

{I get it. It's kind of inappropriate, but I get it.}

>Huh. So was this just here and Ah' missed it, orrrr...

"Came out of the floor, actually."

>Don't that mean this theater was horribly unstable? How'd she get past all the safety codes ta' pull this off?

"..."

>Right, Pinkie, forgot. Prolly bribed Luna with a 'diet cake' and got her ta' sign it.

[Or she got Spike to have you sign it, because she doesn't even read stuff he asks you to sign.]

>AH' DO SO!

[...]

>....Ya' slipped somethin' past, didn't ya?

[Great many somethings, actually.]

>DANG IT SPIKE!

~She's persuasive! I'M WEAK WHEN SHE PULLS OUT THE BUTTERED GEMS, AJ! I AM BUT A DRAGON!~

{OH DEAR!}

[BLAMMO! RIGHT IN THE EYE!]

{Poor Twilight!}

[Total misfire on Shiny's part, he really needs to aim better.]

{You know how hard it is to control something like that, it's sporadic. Well, you personally wouldn't know, but on the whole.}

[...]

{...What?}

[I miss Pinkie...]
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>Mane-Iac
"Chrysalis"
'18'
[42]
{Poindexter}
~~~

>AHHHHHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA! THIS HAS BEEN A THRILLING BATTLE OF GLOOOORIOUS NATURE! AN EPIC CONFRONTATION THE LIKES OF WHICH I'VE NEVER SEEEEEEEN! WHAT POWER! WHAT A FIGHT! WHAT GREATNESSSSS!

"Yep. That is one crazy game of pingpong."

>AHHHAHAHAAHAHH!... I wish they had brought me!

'Now that would be all kinds of cheating.'

>Would not!

[You can hold every paddle in all of partyland at the same time, and control every one of them perfectly.]

>Still not cheating, that is just UUUUSING MY VAST POWERS TO GRANT VICTORY AGAINST THE EEEEEVIL FORCES OF THE STONE SMASHERS!... OH! HE SCORED A POINT! EEEHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!

{You see that? She's like this every single day. Every moment with her is like being in the mythical land of chocolate and balloons.}

"Meh, that place wasn't that impressive."

{...You're messing with me, right?}

"..."

{...R-right?}

'I swear my teeth were glued together for a week.'

[You? Took forever for someone to point out I had a popped balloon on my horn.]

'I thought it looked cute.'

"HAH! HOLY CRAP!"

{Ooooh, Cadence is not having a fun time today, is she?}

>RIGHT IN THE FAAACE!

'You know she wanted me to swap with her? I kid you not, tried to tell me to tag in.'

[Did you not?]

'Now THAT would be cheating. Literally. There have got to be so many rules against that.'

[And?]

'And Shiny said no.'

[Ah.]

>AHHHAHHAAHAHHAHAHAAH! GOOD WOOORK QUEEN OVERTURE! YOUR RESILIENCE IS THE SIGN OF-, oh, nevermind...

'She'll be fine, right?'

"..."

'...right?'
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

>Velvet
"Spike"
~~~

>ARE YOU KIDDING ME!? Are you even trying!? Come on! You can't just go in fifty percent, give me at least a sixty! IS SIXTY TOO MUCH TO ASK!?

"I don't know what you want me to do! I'm not on teamwhyareyouyellingatmewhatdoyouwaaaannnnt!?"

>I want you to stop crying, pull up your dragon shorts, get out there and perform!

"I'M NOT ON A TEAM I JUST WANTED TO WATCH THE GAME!"

>You know what I'm hearing? EXCUSES! You know what's going to help you win? NOT! THAT! Excuses are the thing that hold weaker ponies back, excuses are the thing someone who can't succeed gives himself every morning to deal with the fact they're not good enough, EXCUSES ARE WHAT DRIVES FAILURE, NOT SUCCESS! And you know what, Spike? You're better than that! You can succeed! While those around you are falling to the ground and covering themselves in excuses like a security blanket, suckling on their thumb because they were too weak to grab hold of the teat of success, you, yes, YOU are going to step over them and not take those excuses! You're going to shove those excuses right up their failholes, and you are going to WALK ALL OVER THEM! I know you can, I BELIEVE YOU CAN! NOW BELIEVE WITH ME!

"...Do... Do you really think I can?"

>YES! Now... get out there, AND SUCCEED!

"You... you're right... you're right! I can do this! I CAN DO THIS! I! CAN! SUCCE-

~~~~~~

>Soooo... did you have fun?

"..."

>I mean, it was a pretty good game, all things considered. I'm sure the ending wasn't too great, though. And I'm doubly sure that all the other games aren't going to be that impressive, so there's no reason to even go back, so that whole 'banned from the field' thing seems wholly unnecessary! Yep. Pretty good day...

"..."

>...Do you think he'll finish with the paperwork soon? It was just a minor assault to that coach, no need to get crazy about it.

"..."

>...yep yep yep... goood day...

"...We can never tell Twilight?"

>Never.
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

>Velvet
"SA"
'Twilight'
[Cadence]
{Nightlight}
~2~
~~~~~

>Okay, we fell behind on that last round and it's nobodies fault, HONEY!

{...}

>But we need to get together and retake the lead!

"Are... are we behind them in points?"

'There are points!?'

"Is there a scorecard I'm not seeing?"

>Emotional lead! Not to point hooves, but one of us is dragging the others down.

[Okay, 'not to point hooves' doesn't work if you are pointing at me with your horn.]

>No idea what you mean! But we need to stop loligagging around and take this seriously for the Sparkle family honor!

"Why would you call us that? Twilight is the only one with that second name. Makes no sense."

>POINT IS! We need to retake the lead and crush them to prove our superiority!

"Three of us are the rulers of nations! Said three also each saved the world at one point! Multiple times! How much more superior do we need to be!?"

>ALL OF THE SUPERIOR!

'That doesn't even make sense!'

{You're arguing with her? Really?}

>Oh... I'm just... I'm sorry.

{Heeeere it comes.}

>I just thought, you know, after all the work I did, raising you all, building you up to be the wonderful, beautiful children I always knew you could be, devoting my life to seeing you grow into such successful, amazing ponies, that maybe, just maybe, one day if I should ever need you, you'd be there for me. I g-guess... I was wrong.

"..."
'...Dang it.'

{I told you to just roll with it, but nooooo...}

[You do realize I didn't come from you, right? This argument doesn't really work on me.]

>No, you're going to do it because otherwise I will go full Mother-In-Law nightmare mode on you.

[...So! Ready to get back into the swing of things?]

~YAY!~

{Have you been paying attention?}

~Uhhh... sure.~

"SPIT THAT OUT!"

~BUT IT LOOKS LIKE JELLO!~

"NOW!"

~Awwww...~

>Now that this is settled, we are going to go out there, and we are going to WIN! RIGHT!?

....

>I SAID RIGHT!?

["'Yes, mommy!"']

>BETTER!
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

To My Dear Editor,

First of all, thank you for the care package, it was quite helpful in bribing the customs officers to not put my letters through the ministry of censorship, even if the rotten scam artists bilked me for every bar in the bunch.

Though the concept of 'zap apple cider' baffled them to the point where they assumed it was poison and left me too it. Sweet Ambrosia.

To the point, it is with a heavy heart that I say our forays into the Free Stalliongrad Alliance have yielded rather undersized fruit. I have no interview with its leader, the enigmatic fellow who calls himself Josef Stallion, nor his lieutenant, the being the FSA hoof soldiers refer to as 'Antlers'. So far our dealings have been with one Sergei Kalashnikolt, an earth pony who dwarfs even my hired bodyguard Pavel in both stature and musculature. Sergei claims his muscles have come from his youth tending his family farm after the death of his father due to food poisoning, a rather tragic affair involving a potato or some such other blighted tuber.

I'm thankful my inquiries into whether he had a sister were met only with a joking punch to my ribs, I would hate to be the first reporter in history to sabotage his correspondence by having a type.

Please cut that bit out, Ten. It may have been the vodka talking. I'm quite nervous, you see according to Mr. Kalashnikolt, my continued association with the FSA may meet an end depending upon the content of this article, though of it meets his satisfaction, I will be given more access. However, it is the duty of a reporter to remain fair and impartial, so you can see the problem here.

It emphatically does not help that Sergei was idly twirling his weapon of choice, a factory grade sledgehammer, like a baton when he told me this.

But I have stalled enough, so allow me to tell you of the Battle of Upper Moscolt.

I'm sure our readership remember my previous encounters there, what with the rampant prostitution, the burgeoning drug trade, and the fact that it was held in the iron grip of one of Stalliongrad's oldest and possibly most morally bankrupt factions: The Shepherds of Grogar.

Where to begin with these brutes? Shall we start with their worship of a primordial sheep god that advocates the raping and pillaging of all who don't pay them tribute? Perhaps their insistence on dyeing their coats all in a uniform dark blue and huffing some form of substance that turns their eyes a blood red?

They also kind of murdered my last bodyguard, rest in piece Ivan.

Needless to say impartiality was near impossible when Sergei announced he would be leading a group to drive them from their stronghold in the northernmost district of the 'City of Progress.' I of course was a bit incredulous at this, many before had tried and failed to wrest control away from the glorified street gang, but I was assured that the FSA had in their possession a secret weapon.

Before the motley assortment of workman's sons and daughters marched off to battle their rivals, a radio crackled to life in their midst and from it came a voice, gruff and elderly but with the stiff resolution of a man who knew he had lives in his hooves and was not going to give them up lightly.

This was the voice of the pony they called Josef Stallion, and I was lucky enough to scribble a transcript.

"My friends, my soldiers, my comrades, today marks the first step on the long road to our liberation. You have trained, you have slaved, you have watched your fellows fall under the boot of our oppressive enemies. This country has grown scattered and fragmented since we broke away from the diseased teat of Equestrian decadence-"

Just a note: The views of Josef Stallion are by far not the same as those of your humble reporter, keep those care packages coming!

"-but the young stallion does not return to his mother's milk when the taste of vodka first crosses his lips! We are fractured and quarreling but we are FREE! We must not despair at our states and wait for the machinations of fickle gods to save us, we must pull ourselves and our countrymen out of the mire and bring about the glorious that our forebears envisioned!

"Josef Stallion, I assure you this is not the name I was born with, but it is the name I needed to take to truly begin this journey to a better future for our people. One day our country will know one rule by a united people and not the constant infighting of tyrants and criminals! My comrades will you fight for me? Will you help me bring about that glorious day? Will you march and kill so that your children may one day dance and sing? Answer me and answer loud that the nation may hear our call and herald the beginning of a new age!"

Dear readers, the calls of the FSA militia were nearly deafening, even when Pavel helpfully pressed his hooves around my ears, I could feel the reverberations of their voices in my very bones! My muscles felt like jelly, my heart skipped beats, and for the first time in months I felt galvanized by the words of this mysterious orator.

Soon, all too soon, we -that is to say Pavel and I- found ourselves at the back of the militia as they stole through the dreary streets of Moscolt, armed with a motley collection of weapons. A sad army, too poor to afford the guns the Equestria, but the downtrodden masses, while not beggars, were definitely on the lowest tier of choosers.

So it was that our meager mob entered Upper Moscolt with their arsenal of nail-filled bats, crowbars, and hammers. The Shepherds took notice almost immediately, shooing their street walkers away and putting away their ground up poison joke and vials of Moon Dust.

The FSA shouted a war cry and charged before a proper defense could be mustered. This advantage served them well as they cut through the mere enforcers and pimps and dealers that the Shepherds had carelessly left as sentries.

However, our progress became harder the further we penetrated the Shepherds' territory. With their backs to the wall, the Shepherds fought with the ferocity of cornered rats, holding us at a standstill and raining every projectile they could upon our ragged soldiers from the balconies of bordellos and drug dens. It appeared as though a stalemate would be our best case scenario.

Then Sergei nodded to one of his fellows, who shot up a flare gun and we saw the FSA's secret weapon:

A wing of five of the deadliest pegasi to ever soar the skies.

Our most staunch readers will recall my coverage of one of Stalliongrad's early regimes attempts at aping our beloved Equestria. While a noble pursuit these changes out form decidedly over function with flashy useless armor, low grade weaponry, and lackluster training.

Except for the Crimson Wing.

You see a common misconception amongst our neighbors is that the Wonderbolts are a crack squad of commando flyers ready and willing to face any foe and defeat them in short order. We Equestrians have of course seen them certainly TRY this but I don't need to tell you the results. However, for Stalliongrad this misconception lead to birth of five of the most accomplished fliers on their side of the border, a crack commando squad that could have kept their regime in power for decades...if their comical overspending didn't almost immediately render them unable to PAY said commandos. The Crimson Wing disappeared in short order and it was always a source of much bafflement and debate where they had gone.

No matter their journey though, it was clear where they'd ended up, on the side of Josef Stallion.

I watched in awe as the red and black clad figures swooped into abode after abode, clearing the way for the militia to sweep them of their foul defenders and claim ground at a rapid pace until finally the Shepherds were in a swift retreat, their hold on Moscolt broken.

And thus, I conclude this letter here, sitting at the edge of a great pyre celebrating the FSA's first step on the road to paradise. Did Josef Stallion pay the Crimson Wing the massive sum I can only imagine their expertise demanded? Perhaps he swayed them with his rhetoric? Perhaps this mysterious go-between Antlers brokered the deal. I know only one thing, dear Editor, dear readers, I sit at the site of a great battle and for the first time since I've entered this country I feel the stirring of hope in my chest. It is uncertain, to be sure, that this little movement may yet accomplish its lofty goals, but provided I am not brained by Sergei's sledgehammer, I am hopeful I can chronicle it all.

Truly yours,

Trenderhoof

-------

>Yeesh, BBB, how'm I gonna cut this down to one column!?

"INITIALIZING EDITING PROTOCOLS!"

>No, BBB! Put down the flamethrower!
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

>Velvet
“Cloudy Quartz”
[???]
{???}
~???~
~~~~

>You have no idea who you are messing with.

The other mare just ever so slightly rose her eyebrow.

The two mares were in a strange spot. Currently, either stood upon a platform suspended high in the air, each circular disk that they stood upon connected only by a tightrope between them. Beneath them was an absolutely massive pool, completely filled to the brim with a thick green, mucous like goo.

“Please, by all means, describe who I am dealing with.”

Unafraid of what lied beneath, Velvet was the first to get out onto the tightrope.

>You know what I did before I had kids? I went on all sorts of crazy adventures, I fought all sorts of monsters with my trusty mace, I got into all sorts of insane scenarios, I lived a life of excitement! What did you do?

Cloudy Quartz at last joined her out over the pool, balancing her body on that tiny little rope without a single wobble.

“I lived on a rock farm.”

She struck with surprising speed, the stone grey mare's hoof lashing out as nothing more than a blur and aiming right for the other combatant's leg. But time had been as kind to Velvet, it seemed, as she nimbly jumped up out of the strike, dodging the attack before smoothly landing back on the rope and retaliating.

How she managed to keep down the noise of pain when she struck what felt more like a statue come to life than a flesh and blood pony, she had no idea.

>Thought you guys MINED rocks, not that you were rocks...

Cloudy gave her no response, simply having enough of this and deciding to switch to a new tactic of simply... walking forward.

Velvet was pushed back, unable to stop the far stronger mare as she stumbled to keep her balance. Grey lips twitched in what could almost be called a smile.

“Pitiful.”

Timing it with one particularly bad stumble, a sweep of her hoof knocked every leg out from underneath Velvet, and left her with nothing to fight against the terrifying force of gravity. She could do nothing as her descent began. Nothing to stop her fall...

Except for teeth, of course. She had those.

>HO YEAH! GET SOME!

Cloudy barely even had time to fully process the image of the mares furious face clamping down hard on the rope before Velvet suddenly shifted all momentum, and swung herself right back around. All four hooves found their mark on Cloudy's underside, and said mare found even her iron stance broken from such an attack. Sadly, Velvet had no way to stop her own swing as the burn in her mouth proved too much, and she joined Cloudy in the wide open air, at the mercy of the invisible force that pulls all to to the surface.

Velvet, reasonably, decided she had not quite had her fill of violence, and tackled Cloudy mid air.

Both tumbled as they fell, each one either dodging blows or shrugging them off without a care. As one, they splashed into the goo below.

And then got right back up.

>OH, I'M SORRY, WERE WE STARTING!?

Cloudy resumed her tank like assault, but a blob of goo to the face was enough of a distraction that Velvet could slip behind her, the smoothness of the liquid aiding her flight. Deftly, she jumped atop the other mares back, and hooked a foreleg underneath her neck, rearing back and pulling painfully on her throat.

>YEILD!

Like a maddened bull, the other mare bucked, rolled and stumbled about in the goo, splashing it every which way as Velvet hung on for dear life.

“Enough.”

Powerful hooves rocketed Cloudy and her passenger straight up, and without missing a beat she broke into a frantic, high speed spin. Velvet's grip was tested to the limit, but the substance that had wormed it's way onto every inch of their coats. She slipped, skidding across the bottom of the pool as she was tossed aside.

Cloudy hit the ground running, literally. The slipperiness of the ground beneath her was no deterrent as she picked up to full speed, preparing to ram the seemingly prone mare.

Seemingly.

The grey matron of the Pie family had no time to react as hind legs suddenly kicked up, grabbing Cloudy's limb mid-stride and taking her right off her hooves. Both parties rolled around, gripping the other tightly as all sorts of the substances coated them, giving their bodies a shining, gleaming sheen.

They stopped on the corner of the pool, both of them locked together in a roll that seemed to never end, trading places atop the other with almost clocklike regularity. So tight was the grapple, their faces were pressed close enough to the other they could feel the heaving breath as it left their lips.

>You're not putting me down you surprisingly strong rocktrotter! I don't care if your muscles are like freaking stone carved with a chisel, I'm going to win this!

“Use that deft limberness all you want, I care not how well placed your every strike is. I will stand victorious over your smooth, well trained body.”

>Hah! As if I'd fall to someone like you, no matter how long your crazy stamina lasts!

“The challenge of matching one with so many tricks only spurs me further.”

>BRING IT ON!

“It was already bro-...!”

>OOF! WHAT THE!?

Both were pulled free of the other by a pair of hooves, split apart and forcibly dragged to the other side of the pool.

[MOM! FOR THE LOVE OF CELESTIA!]

Indignantly, she bopped her son on the nose.

>I HAD HER!

“Daughter, you interrupted.”

Cloudy furrowed her brow slightly, irate. Maud gave no visible response, simply holding the grip that Cloudy could not escape.

{The contest was to see who could knock the other off the rope, wrestling proved nothing.}

Both mares froze.

>Ah.

“We have made a slight error.”

>So, uh, who wo-

[It was a draw.]

>Shoot! I wanted to take the lead with this one! GET YOUR HEAD IN THE GAME, VELVET!

Everyone just stared.

>...Sooo... next contest?

“This sounds like a good idea.”

>Great! Come on Shiny, let's go back up. Oh and... I WILL DESTROOOOYYYY YOOOUUUUU!

“It is, as the children say, brought.”

The two unicorns teleported back to their podiums, while the earth ponies had to take the longer route. As Velvet moved past to get a towel and wash herself off, Shining Armor was pulled aside by a blue hoof, and he was greeted with the sight of his father's face, stricken with regret.

~...Son... s-so soon... whyyyy...~

He did not ask about that as his father just shook his head sadly, devastation apparent on his face, and decided now would be a good time to start repressing memories.

Across from them, Maud was not stopped, but she sensed a certain something with her own patronly figure.

{Is something the matter, father?}

He did not respond verbally. He just... frowned.

For the first time in her life, she saw her father honestly, and truly, frown.

The face, and implications, would haunt her for the rest of her days.

{...I will never be the same...}
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________