No One - Today at 4:56 PM
@Support I'm freaking in the hospital because I tried to kill myself. I'm on a version of life support called ecmo... Meaning there is a large tube going in to my femoral artery rn. And I just alienated my family and told my psych I was giving up and there was no need to see her anymore and I know if I rip this tube out I'll be dead before the nurses or doctors even know something is wrong. I want to. I want to kill myself so so much.

zen - Today at 4:56 PM
hey
ok
so
please don't do that
No One - Today at 4:57 PM
I'm sorry to bother you.
zen - Today at 4:57 PM
you're never a bother
i care about you
and i wish you would care about you too
nothing is so bad that it can't be changed
whatever is driving this isn't going to last, i promise you can sit through the discomfort and down right pain of this feeling
did something happen?
No One - Today at 4:58 PM
My mother sister in law is pregnant and both my sister in laws came to visit today.
zen - Today at 4:58 PM
that's a big trigger isn't it, the first bit
No One - Today at 4:59 PM
Theybstartee talking about babies and pregnancy and I was telling alex about how lemon water helped my nausea
And she told me "I'm asking amanda because shes been here before!"
zen - Today at 4:59 PM
eek
zen - Today at 5:00 PM
that's rude
and in sensitive
Sylvie - Today at 5:00 PM
Saw hospital. I can help here
No One - Today at 5:00 PM
I told them both to get out and when amanda wanted to stay to comfort me I told her I would never really be a part of her family and I didn't want to talk to her again.
zen - Today at 5:01 PM
we're ok sylvie
thank you though
Sylvie - Today at 5:01 PM
Np. I do love the hospital
Ill leave you two to it. Gonna go finish up in 1
zen - Today at 5:01 PM
hmm.
No One - Today at 5:01 PM
She asked "should I find a different guardian for the kids in our will?"
zen - Today at 5:01 PM
damn
cold...
No One - Today at 5:02 PM
And I told her what the fuck did she think
And threw water at her.
zen - Today at 5:02 PM
Ok it's definitely not worth it to kill yourself over what they said
i'm sorry hon
that's a really  really painful trigger
it's been years for me and babies still set me off
so i totally ge tit
No One - Today at 5:03 PM
Alex was insensitive. Amanda was being earnest. And I fucked it up with her.
zen - Today at 5:03 PM
get it*
well hey
if she's your friend she will forgive an outburst
especially given where you are
and the mindset you're in
No One - Today at 5:04 PM
I told my psych I was declining further treatment after I'm off ecmo.
Amanda called hwr and so she called me.
zen - Today at 5:05 PM
are they not going to put you inpatient?
No One - Today at 5:05 PM
I lied and told her I would be moving after this cause I didnt want to be near them and I'd look for a different psych when I got settled.
I may have added "one I can stand"
zen - Today at 5:06 PM
hmm
No One - Today at 5:06 PM
Which isnt true
I love this psych she has been amazing.
zen - Today at 5:06 PM
so why do you wanna drop her?
No One - Today at 5:07 PM
Because when I get out of here I'm going to kill myself and I don't want to upset her.
If I do it in another state or country she won't know.
zen - Today at 5:07 PM
there are other options
i know you must talk about it so much that it's boring, but what's driving this
No One - Today at 5:09 PM
I want my babies. And out of this life.
zen - Today at 5:09 PM
I understand both of those feelings, but having been in the spot you're in right now, i can say that it's possible to bounce back and the pain really does fade a bit
i know you don't believe that for yourself
and you are tired of hearing that sort of thing
but i mean i'm only here by some fluke
i just mean to say that you're smart and passionate and curious
and if you wanted to, you could go after anything
No One - Today at 5:11 PM
Its been years for me too. And even more years since my sister and dad and nothing ever fades.
Ever.
zen - Today at 5:11 PM
I know I can't talk you out of this
but maybe we can ease your discomfort in this particular moment
No One - Today at 5:12 PM
How?
I cant stop crying like a little wimp.
zen - Today at 5:12 PM
idk, i like to word vomit
can you just write stream of consciousness for a couple minutes
really try to put words to all of your thoughts
i did that the other night and it helped me a lot
No One - Today at 5:13 PM
I'm still stuck on how many "nevers" I have now.
Mever see her walk. Run. Talk. Dance. Beat up her younger siblings. Go to school. make friends. Go to dances.
I'll never see my kids climb trees or swim or fight over toys
My mother in law wouldnt put Ellie's picture on the fridge or the triplets for the longest time. The triplets pic is gone now, she took it down.
My kids are dead so I'm not part of her family.
She keeps talkingg to me about how much she hates how her son treated me.
zen - Today at 5:17 PM
man, i am so sorry. life is just cruel to some folks.
No One - Today at 5:17 PM
But she doesnt always act like it.
Ellie would be 2.
My triplets would be almost 2.
My oldest niece is right around that same age.
I should be over at amandas house every day with babies laughing at their antics.
Instead every time I watch Lydia grow and reach another milestone I secretly wonder "would ellie have done that? When would she have learned it?"
And then I feel so guilty sometimes because I don't think about my triplets as often.
I always wanted a big family. If everything had worked out and my husband had not been abusive, I would have almost 4 year old twins, a 2 year old, and almost 2 year old triplets.
How awesome would that be?
zen - Today at 5:22 PM
very
but unless there's something physical that's a concern for you, you could still make a family
you could get out of where you are now and try something new
No One - Today at 5:23 PM
There is. After the triplets... The stillbirth was brutal. I don't usually even have periods anymore.
And in march, I was an idiot and decided that I would be a prostitute to make ends meet. Something happened then... The baby was never viable. But I gpt another awful infection.
zen - Today at 5:26 PM
that's a tremendous amount of pain, i'm so sorry you had to go through it -- what little comfort that is
No One - Today at 5:26 PM
I havent had a period since, and I'd only had 3 between losing the triplets and whoring myself out.
I'm sorry. I'm just in Nancy downer mode. I'll be fine. I'll never forgive myself for being fine, but I will be fine. For today.
zen - Today at 5:28 PM
Hey don't be sorry. Venting is REALLY healthy
No One - Today at 5:28 PM
Can I ask you a question?
zen - Today at 5:28 PM
sure
No One - Today at 5:28 PM
How long has it been?
zen - Today at 5:29 PM
for me? let's see... the first was like fall '13, and the second about a year later i think, it's a little blurry
so what's that 3 1/2 years ish
No One - Today at 5:29 PM
I'm sorry for your loss.
zen - Today at 5:29 PM
thanks, appreciated
it hit me absurdly hard
i'm not exaggerating when i say i really should be dead yknow, i was more serious about that than anything in my life
No One - Today at 5:30 PM
Its not absurd. I tried to drink bleach after the twins.
zen - Today at 5:30 PM
people don't really understand how it feels unless they've been through it themselves, i've found
it's a very particular kind of pain that just punches you in the proverbial gut
but i'm better about it now
like, i'm not triggered all day every day any more
only when big milestones hit for my friends
No One - Today at 5:32 PM
They are yours. And they are inside you  and they are supposed to be safe there. And then... They just aren't. And you dont know why or even if you do it still sucks.
zen - Today at 5:32 PM
yeah exactly. and they're more than yours, they are the rest of your story, when you talk to yourself in your head
and then suddenly the narrative falls apart
No One - Today at 5:32 PM
Yes.
zen - Today at 5:33 PM
it's really hard to walk back from that
it's taken me this long just to be able to tolerate it tbh
No One - Today at 5:33 PM
I was 8 weeks along and already talking about how we would handle their teen years.
zen - Today at 5:34 PM
yeah, the second one for me was at 17 weeks, and we had already decided on names
that hit the hardest
No One - Today at 5:36 PM
The twins were around 17 weeks.... We were still Amish so we didn't do doctors so the exact week wasnt certain. My ex got mad when I got the ultrasound and they were girls. He beat me. A few days later I just started bleeding. I had the stillbirth at home alone in my bathroom and named them. They are buried as "baby (last name)" because my ex didnt want them to habe names.
zen - Today at 5:37 PM
damn.
No One - Today at 5:37 PM
But they have names.
Marisol and Charis.
zen - Today at 5:37 PM
aw those pretty
No One - Today at 5:38 PM
Thank you.
zen - Today at 5:38 PM
sorry those are pretty*
No One - Today at 5:38 PM
Babies born at 17 weeks look like aliens... But I thought they were the most beautiful little creatures I'd ever seen.
And I tried to comvince myself in that moment that I was much further alomg than I really was. That if I cleared their airways they would just start to cry.
But they didn't.
zen - Today at 5:40 PM
i had a d&e, and i remember blearily asking to see, but they wouldn't let me
yeah that's rough
heartbreaking
No One - Today at 5:41 PM
A d&c isnt something you usually want to see. They are not born whole. But at the same time, I would have wanted to see too.
Did you know if it was a boy or girl?
zen - Today at 5:42 PM
girl
they did some fancy blood test to tell us
No One - Today at 5:43 PM
For us at the 17 week ultrasound, both my twins were like "look mama, we have NO PENIS! Wanna see us spread our legs more for a better view? Okay!"
zen - Today at 5:44 PM
lol
No One - Today at 5:44 PM
Ellie was the same lol. She was very bouncy in there too.
The triplets liked to hide it tho.... We were sure it was 2 girls and 1 boy for a while but it was 2 boys and 1 girl.
Perhaps I should rephrase. Levi liked to hide it.
And Addy.
But Alexander was like "look mom, I'm a boy!"
Lol. Addy.
Her name was Selah Adelaide.
I'd neber met another person named Selah until I came here.
Her name honestly took me by surprise at first and for a few hours I couldn't breathe.
zen - Today at 5:48 PM
me neither
aw hon i'm sorry that sucks
No One - Today at 5:49 PM
(Idk if thats her real name or not but the point remains)
Its ok.
zen - Today at 5:49 PM
i'm not sure either actually
No One - Today at 5:50 PM
Now I want to ask her.... But I'm jokingly her internet grandma so this isnt a convo I'm ready to have with her in that context yet.
Thank you for talking to me.
zen - Today at 5:52 PM
of course hon, any time
No One - Today at 5:52 PM
I know its a hard topic for you too.
I hit the call button.
zen - Today at 5:52 PM
it's ok, i really do know how to moderate these feels
are you going to tell them what's up?
No One - Today at 5:53 PM
I think I'll ask the nurse for some anxiety meds and to call my psych before I chicken out.
zen - Today at 5:53 PM
good, that's a great choice
i'm proud of you for what it's worng
wow
brain exploded
worth*
No One - Today at 5:54 PM
One day you you need to teach me how to moderate how I feel too. In exchange I'll teach you to type.
zen - Today at 5:54 PM
hah lol
:heart:
deal
No One - Today at 5:55 PM
Omg my psych is here already.
zen - Today at 5:55 PM
wow that was fast
No One - Today at 5:55 PM
Ahe fucking knew
No its not fast she came straight here after work because of our talk.
zen - Today at 5:55 PM
ah i gotcha
can you tell her how you're feeling rn
No One - Today at 5:56 PM
I will talk to her now. And ttyl.
zen - Today at 5:56 PM
Ok, i'll be around
just ping me
No One - Today at 5:56 PM
Thank you.
zen - Today at 5:56 PM
Yw