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- [Not Guldo In Equestria]
- >You are Guld-oh, uh, Anonymous
- >Yes, Green, just like Anonymous.
- >Three weeks ago you woke up in a strange land after a near death experience on foreign soil.
- >You're still recovering, but at least you can walk around now.
- >Which, of course, is absolutely fascinating.
- >The creatures on this world, that is ponies, seem to be incapable of prolonged conflict.
- >Any issues they have are wrapped up in the space of twenty-two minutes.
- >Except for the occasional major forty-five minute problem.
- >Beyond that, their lives are very simple.
- >The world is quaint.
- >It is quiet.
- >It is...
- >Well, boring.
- >Which means that you have to do something to pass the time.
- >Thankfully, while you're still recovering, you can still utilize your special talent.
- >The one that none of the ponies know about.
- >But for now, you'll lay low.
- >Not draw attention to yourself.
- >And answer Twilight Sparkle's questions.
- >She has, of course, taken an interest in you simply because you're different.
- >"Okay Anonymous."
- >Her horn lights up and she begins to scribble on a piece of parchment.
- >"Why don't you tell me about how you got here?"
- >Fair enough.
- "Well, I was engaged in righteous combat with a foul opponent."
- >The pony's nose wrinkles up, but she continues writing.
- "He was very clearly no match for me, but through use of trickery, he gained the upper hand."
- >At this point, Twilight points her pen in your direction.
- >"Now wait a moment, you said that he was no match for you, but you were tricked. Doesn't that make him smarter than you?"
- >Your forehead creases every so slightly.
- >What?
- "No, no, I believe I'm much more intelligent than that buffoon."
- >"But he still beat you, right?"
- "With trickery."
- >"So he outsmarted you?"
- >Your lips settle into a narrow line.
- >This conversation is clearly going nowhere.
- >And Twilight is a jerk.
- >No real reason to stay around here.
- >So, you place your hands in your lap.
- >And take a deep breath.
- >Twilight leans forward expectantly.
- >Then stays there.
- >As a matter of fact, everything stays exactly where it was when you began holding your breath.
- >That is, after all, your special talent.
- >Time stop.
- >Hopping up from your seat, you look to the door.
- >You manage a half step before you have a better idea.
- >Going back to Twilight, you pull the pen from the air and then press the tip of it against the slight sliver of tongue slipping out of her mouth.
- >Rolling up the paper, you place it around her horn.
- >For good measure, you pick up two of the books you had been sitting on and place them over her head.
- >Maybe a good block to the head will keep her from asking stupid questions from now on.
- >Satisfied with your work, and feeling your lungs beginning to cry out for air, you hustle over to the door and make your escape.
- >Once outside, you wait a moment longer and then release your stored breath.
- >Time begins to move.
- >A terrified whinny erupts from within the library, followed by two loud thuds and a panicked cry of "TWILIGHT!" from a boyish voice.
- >Well, whatever.
- >Maybe there's someone else out there who's more worthy of your time.
- >If not, you can continue to mess with ponies.
- >That seems like a good way to pass the time.
- [Phone Damage]
- >Living in Equestria is hard.
- >The beds are too small.
- >The doorways are too small.
- >The portions...
- >Yeah, okay, everything's too small.
- >Sure, ponies are nice and all, but it's really hard to enjoy yourself when everything is munchkin-sized.
- >At least you can still call home.
- "Hello Ma."
- >She jabbers, Charlie Brown-style on the other end.
- "No, they're still working out it.
- >Wa, wa, wa.
- "Yes, I trust Twilight."
- >Wa wa?
- "No Ma, they're not horses, they're ponies."
- >Wa.
- "Yes, there is a difference."
- >That's when Twilight peeks around the corner and waves to you.
- >It's time.
- "All right Ma, I gotta go."
- >Wa-wa-wa.
- "No, no, I gotta go."
- >Wa.
- "Yup, love you too."
- >Wawa?
- "No, don't call me, I'll call you when I'm out."
- >You place the phone on the table and march back to the newly created 'portal wing' of Twilight's Castle.
- >Apparently your cellphone is a no-no.
- >But it isn't like anyone's going to take it or anything.
- >Ponies don't even have fingers.
- >Silly ponies.
- >Of course, after you come out several hours later and no closer to home than you were before, your phone is gone.
- >Seriously.
- >Who takes a phone when they have hooves?
- >Well, expect Spike.
- "Spike, you little shit!"
- >The purple dragon perks up at the affectionate nickname.
- "Did you take my phone?"
- >"No way, Anon!"
- "All right, cool. Did you see who did?"
- >A shake of the head.
- >"Afraid not. I'll keep an eye out though."
- "Fine. Thanks you little shit."
- >You wave at each other and you head out into Ponyville proper.
- >If it wasn't the little shit, and you were with Twilight the whole time, that leaves only five major suspects with free range within the castle.
- >You go for the most obvious one first.
- >Standing under a cloud, you shout up at the sky
- "Hey, airhead!"
- >Rainbow Dash peeks over the edge of the fluffy expanse and grins.
- >"Hey Anon!"
- >She's red faced and panting.
- >Must be hard clearing the skies all day every day.
- >What a fuckin champ.
- >You motion to her with a finger.
- "C'mere for a minute."
- >Quick as a flash, the rainbow streak sets her hooves on the ground and grins.
- >"You finished with Twilight?"
- "Yea, no luck on the portal though."
- >Rainbow gently slugs your knee.
- >"Aw, that's okay, I'm sure you'll figure it out soon."
- "Yeah, that Twilight is one smart nerd. Anyway, you seen my phone? I need to call Ma."
- >The color drains from Rainbow's face.
- >Wow, she must be more tired than you thought.
- >"Uh, phone? Wh-what's that?"
- "I showed it to you last week, airhead. It's the little rectangular thing, buzzes from time to time."
- >"Oh!"
- >She grins.
- >"That, uh, thing. No. Haven't seen it."
- >Fak.
- >You rub at the back of your head.
- "Dangit, I'm sure you'd taken it."
- >Rainbow's jaw drops.
- >"ME? Why?"
- "Cause you were practically drooling over it when I showed it to you."
- >"Yeah, well that's no reason to accuse your friends, you jerk! Why, I've got half a mind t-"
- >At once, Rainbow shivers.
- >When she doesn't immediately spring back into her tirade, you lean down and frown at her.
- "Hey, you sure everything's good, airhead?"
- >"F-F-F-Fine."
- >You frown, thoroughly unconvinced.
- >And then you hear it.
- >The faint, familiar sound.
- https://youtu.be/RVC9b0K1Iis [Embed]
- >Rainbow looks up at you, her eyes very nearly swallowing up her entire face.
- >You listen for a moment then ask
- "Airhead, did you eat my phone?"
- >"...No?"
- >You give a small nod and then lean in closer.
- >Sure enough, it's not coming from her stomach.
- >It's further back.
- >You sigh and rub the back of your head.
- "How many times has she called."
- >"Like a dozen."
- "You ponies got any rice?"
- >"Rye what?"
- >...Ma's going to kill you.
- "Well, enjoy the ride while you can."
- >"Y'mean it?"
- "I'm sure as hell not gonna go fishin for it, if that's what you're asking."
- >Sighing, you right yourself and put your hands in your pocket.
- "Have fun, kiddo."
- >She grins up at you.
- >But as she takes to the air
- "Hey, Airhead?"
- >"Yeah Anon?"
- "You're a real piece of shit."
- >She grins and flies off.
- >Fuckin ponies.
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