I'd like to open up about recent struggles in my personal life.
I've always been of the mindset that personal matters should be kept private/within parties involved.

But unfortunately it hasn't been the case from the other end.

I ended my relationship with my ex, November of 2018. After battling for several years to make it work.

I would like to preface this by letting you all know that I have nothing but love for those I'll be addressing in this note, but at the same time feel I've been treated unfairly by them.

In any case, when it happened. My ex opened up and personally blasted me via social media which has slowly but surely gotten me alienated by some of my closest friends. (When it all happened I only opened up to two of them. I'll avoid naming them as I'd rather not bring a negative light upon anyone Involved.)

I was in a committed relationship with my ex for 3 years, and as we all know life isn't easy and certainly has its number of curveballs.

I myself had been living on my own in NYC since I turned 19, with no financial support from parents.

(mother passed away when I was 6 and father wasn't around, my two siblings and I were raised by our aunt, adding to 5 of her own as a single mom as their dad had also passed away)

Needless to say it was a household full of emotional trauma, and I quickly learned how much of a toxic environment it can be but through no fault of anyone, we all developed issues and as the youngest I got to see very vividly how it affected the harmony at home. Needless to say I've struggled with depression and suicidal thoughts from a very young age, however I also made a promise to myself that I would never choose suicide as the answer because my family did not deserve to go through any more hardships and since then one of my greatest fears has been to lose those I care about instead. In any case, I couldn't coexist at home and decided to move out at 19 on my own.

It was a struggle, I tried going to college and working full time but quickly learned that I wasn't capable of handling it and had to drop out to focus on working and staying afloat.

Fast forward a couple of years. I'm not the most financially stable person and student loans were ripping me a new one. But it didn't faze me, as it was nothing but the general struggle of life.

I met my ex for my 24th bday and needless to say we were smitten, not to pry too much into details but we were both coming out from toxic relationships and we bonded over our genuine kindness and hunger for positivity in our lives.

That first year things were pretty great, but unbeknownst to me towards the holiday season, she started having personal issues in her academic and home life that distressed her greatly and she made an attempt to end her life, from my end I didn't know what happened I just knew she hadn't reached out to me for a couple of days, when she finally reached out it was from the hospital. That was a huge emotional blow as again, one of my greatest fears in life has been to start a family and having them taken away from me prematurely.

In any case I spent the entire hospital stay until discharge visiting and spending the whole time with her. She did not want anyone to know about this but I was breaking myself and had to open up to one of my friends whom from that point on became one of my closest friends.

From January to July that year she moved in with her brother (I didn't have a place to myself) but we were both motivated to move on from that chapter and grew even closer.
Up until that point I had been living with roommates but managed to get a room to myself and it naturally progressed to her living permanently with me, it wasn't something we discussed or talked about but from day one she stayed over everyday and things were pretty great. Unfortunately she was still struggling with depression and it was hard for her to motivate herself to climb ladders in any direction, I tried my best to be nurturing and supportive always giving her encouragement and letting her know that she could take all of the time she needed to heal.
During this period she would spend 12-16 hours a day sleeping. I didn't mind I just wanted her to feel better, and I was content to provide for us with my limited income, however this period extended for an entire year and a half and I'm ashamed to admit that slowly but surely with every passing day I myself fell into depression and as I fell deeper my passions faded and my love for her became the love of a caretaker as opposed to being passionate. It didn't help that it constantly felt as I was walking on thin ice as she was prone to panic attacks where she would inflict self harm and or crippling anxiety, to avoid distressing her I started internalizing all of my issues and focused entirely on work and nurturing her as best as I could.

Unfortunately during this period, some drama entered our friend group which distressed me, again to not get into too many details on side stories. One of my friends got into a relationship with someone who was lying and manipulating him, I knew this because I was the one that introduced them and knew her background the best at the time. However everyone took her side and defended my friends gf, and using her newly gained clout this person started alianating my friend from us because she knew I would always call her out on her bullshit. In any case this incensed me to incredible levels and I admit I spent an entire month just ranting and being extremely angry about the situation and this caused my EX to see a volatile side of me. Mind you at this time she fully believed the girls story and thus thought I was exaggerating the situation and gave me an xx see ultimatum, to stop bringing that topic up as it was leaking into my own relationship or she would break up with me, she left me with that decision and spent that week sleeping over at two of our friends places. One with whom she had shared sexual interest before we got together and the other with my closest friend (whom I opened up to during the suicide attempt)

This gutted me, as our sex life had been suffering as we were both extremely depressed and I'm ashamed to admit that I could not help but think the worst. All through out my upbringing I had to be headstrong and confident enough to move on. But this event found the chink in my armor and I grew incredibly insecure. when she returned I had to broach the topic and asked her if anything happened. She assured me that nothing happened and I wanted to believe her. I managed to quiet the devil on my shoulder as much as I could but unfortunately there were always echoes and whispers.

Again, I went back into receeding into myself and suppressing my emotions. Which caused me to continue bleeding internally.

Fast forward another two months and my friends gf at the time(now ex) showed her true colors. My ex gf had been helping her with academics and career choices. Only to later find out that the girl had backstabbed and trash talked my ex behind her back, diluting sensitive information to people In our friend group in order to tarnish her reputation.

Once my ex found out about this she was incensed herself and felt extremely betrayed as she had gone quite out of her way to provide her with help. Meanwhile in my head I'm like (fucking finally!) However it was a bittersweet feeling for me as I had already spent months suppressing my feelings and had fallen deeper into a suffocating numbness.

At this point, I was very unsure how I felt. I loved my ex dearly but at the same time I could no longer bring myself to be passionate about anything. Careerwise at my job we were going through one of our heaviest sprints and I was placed under incredible strain from that end as well.

The mix of work/personal life stress was too much of a burden and I fell Into an existential crisis where I started turning the mirror inward to see what was wrong with me, I stared into the void and truly felt It stare back. I wanted to cease existing.

So again to recap, timeline wise. First year was great. 2nd and 3rd year I was pulling the Lions share of the work to keep us afloat.

Towards the end of the 3rd year my ex finally managed to grow into the beautiful and motivated person she is now. She got a job and together with one of our friends we got an apartment that april in bedstuy and by all means things should have kept improving but I could not overcome the numbness. At this point she was fluorishing while I continued to wilt. And I grew increasingly insecure as I would see her interact and connect with my friends at a much higher level than what I could provide.

Later that year, during summer we went on a group trip over the weekend. And while hanging out bbqing in the backyard, it was a semi clouded day. I was sitting in the grass by the shade feeling bittersweet. I was happy to be surrounded by friends but was saddened about how I couldn't escape the misery I was in.

My ex at the time was standing at the other end of the backyard soaking up the sun, and I remember thinking to myself (she deserves to be under the light like that, while all I bring is shadows) as I finished that thought she walked up to me and told me "It feels like this is the last time Im gonna see the sun like this" at that moment I knew I couldn't continue that way, if I stayed like that I would end up bringing her back down.
Another piece of me broke that day. And as we went back home I vowed to myself that I would get out of the rut or at the very least break up In order to let her move on with her life without me dragging her down. However at that point we had a lot of time left on our lease and I wasn't sure breaking up would have bee. The best move.

That September I decided to kickstart my life back up, going to the gym. Pursued an interest in learning music production software and tried my best to improve myself. I finally found myself driven, and with that emotions started returning and in a rush I stated feeling myself somewhat invincible (now in retrospect and after deep talks with my therapist we both agree that this period was the onset of mania taking over, unbeknownst to me I was entering a bipolar episode, in which I felt I could finally take on the world.)

However my passions for my ex did not return and at that point I finally admitted to myself that my love for her would always be that of a caretaker as I could no longer connect with her as we did before.

During this period I met someone online, whom I developed a crush for and I admit, It felt really pleasant to feel that. Although admittedly it was not a reciprocated feeling but again in my mania I felt everything dozens of times stronger. And unfortunately that November in my head I overplayed the situation and believed there was a connection where there was none, in any case I told that person I had developed a crush for them. Turns out that during my gym session, my ex went through my dm's and found that. And when I got home from the gym she confronted me with it.

I admitted to it and promptly told her that I wanted to break up, that I loved her but was no longer IN love with her and I didn't want to string her along. And that was that. I was told to pack my bags and move out that very same night.

And so I packed my bag and went to couch surf at a friend's place, after a day or two my ex reached out to me and offered to let me couchsurf back at our apartment until I found a place to move to, I was hesitant but I didn't have a choice and so I accepted. Needless to say it was super awkward. She kept trying to connect with me and I didn't know how to handle it so I
decided that it was okay and that ill just go sleep elsewhere.

I could see she was extremely hurt and I felt one of the ten fools for having made her feel that way but again in my mania I honestly couldn't see straight and reality was a bit blurred to me. In retrospect I can see that my ex was doing everything
In her capabilities to care for me, as she knew me better than I did at the time and she could tell I was mentally ill, but to me it felt extremely off-putting. In any case at the end of that week, I went to one of our friends bday party and at the end of the night my roommate convinced me to go sleep over back at the apartment as we were both drunk and admittedly I had nowhere to stay that night, I was planning on sobering up by walking the city until sunrise and then going back to couchsurfing.

So having a place to sleep was extremely appealing, and so we headed home. We got there at about 5am and I was exhausted as a hell as my sleep schedule had clearly been destroyed that week.

But turns out that my ex was waiting up for me to arrive and so she tried to have a conversation with me. To me it felt like an intervention and I did not take it well... I packed my bags, left the apartment, and msgd my roommate and close friend respective and finally opened up again about how I had been feeling, however I was angry and I made pretty strong accusations against my ex. And of course. As the great friends they are. They showed my ex what I sent them and that truly sealed the deal. After that I saw my ex in two other occasions, we spoke and made peace and decided to drift apart peacefully. I promised her I would seek therapy as well as leave all of our friend group chats so she didn't have to feel like she had to be the one to leave if it was too awkward, and so I myself began to exit stage left.

What happened next I agree and admit that I caused the fallout entirely.


I was put under medication to treat my depression and The bipolar episode started shifting from near invincible mania to incredibly deep and insecure depression as I adjusted to the medication. I started becoming aware of what I had done and spent an entire two weeks having nightmares where I would find out that my ex had cheated on me during that week she stayed at our friends places. I couldn't sleep and I tried to hold it in as much as I could but I broke and reached out to her asking her about it once again, which was exactly the wrong thing to do, she blew up on me and started blocking me on social media, I panicked and started trying to reach out through any available method.

But ultimately I admit that it was in all essence, harassment. But I just couldn't believe that after all we had done for each other she would just cut me off so entirely. This caused me to panic even more knowing that she had a tendency to cut people off and get me to cut them off as well. She made a social media post blasting me for cheating on her, and told all of our mutual friends that I was harassing her. Mind you. Most of those friends were originally my friends. But ultimately I was the villain in the story and slowly but surely I began getting alianated.

My closest friend stated ignoring me. And friend group dynamic went all to hell.

I continued to go to therapy for treatment, and tried to resolve all my issues with them. but being ignored by my closest friend without having done anything to him in particular was a huge blow and I admit I started struggling heavily. I would message him letting him know I was doing better and that I hoped to hear from him soon.

But seeing as it wasn't reciprocated i stopped insisting as much.

Fast forward to February, my ex unblocks me and allows me to talk to her, I try to apologize for everything to no avail but in any case she extends an invite to our annual birthday event that we would host at my local favorite pub.

Me and my closest friend have the same bday of March 8th, my ex and her best friends had their bdays on March as well so we made a tradition of having a huge part for all of us.

I asked her if I could have a conversation with her one on one in a public space to try to clear the air a bit, as I knew I was still a bit of an emotional wreck, but was denied. Then a week before the bday event my ex reached out again to give me event details and lets me know that she started dating my closest friend in December.

Again a bittersweet feeling as I'm glad she was moving on with her life but then it all made sense why my closest friend had cut me off as well.

Again I plead to have a conversation with them before the event, and was denied. Whatever, bday event day is here and I already know deep inside that I shouldn't go otherwise I'd make a fool of myself, but I really really missed all of my friends and so I decided to go. At that time it was clear that they were intent on avoiding me and although they showed smiles and assured all of our friends that we were cool in this setting it was rather clear they were just keeping civil appearances. And I thoroughly broke down.

But was happy enough to have gotten to see my friends.

Fast forward another couple of weeks, I ask my ex if I could go visit Miso, the cat we adopted when we were together. She very strongly denied me the request and again, I was distressed as I really loved the little fella, but respected her decision.

Toward the end of the month and the end of the lease date I decided to ask her again to let me go visit Miso, as I knew the only potential chance at seeing him would be before she moved, k suggested that if she could set up a day where I could go visit and have our roommate around. But again was denied. Though instead she said she needed someone to take care of miso for a month.

At this point in time in flatmates with my brother and he's not the petfriendly type so I doubted he would let me, but I asked and he offered to let me watch him for two weeks.

I told my ex that I could for two weeks but after that she would have to get someone else and she agreed to it. I went and picked up the giant furball and took him home. At the end of the first week my brother asked me what the situation was and I let him know that she wouldn't be able to get a place for him to stay until June, and so he agreed to let me keep him even longer.

I again let my ex know of the new deadline but that she should still keep looking for options and received no reply

Then at the end of April, I messaged her two weeks into may asking if things were going okay with the move and if she would be able to get accomodations for Miso?

I was ignored again.

This week I had a trip to Florida and asked my brother to tend to miso, he promptly got crabby and asked me when I was sending him back.

This being the 3rd week of me waiting for any reply. I msg my ex again and no reply.

I decide to try my luck with my well exbestfriend and current boyfriend as i knew he was available and he ignored me as well.

I started pleading with him to have a conversation with me, that after all I had done both for my ex and him that I didn't deserve the sub-human treatment I was receiving from him in particular but again no reply.

Later that night my ex messages me saying that she appreciates my taking care of Miso but that she didn't appreciate what I msg'd my friend and blocked me again saying she'll reach out when she's ready to pick Miso up.

It's been a week since then, and I no longer want to continue holding on to the vestiges of whatever it is we are now, it's extremely clear that they have no intention of treating me in any civil way although they tell our friends otherwise.

I admit I had hoped that we could at least be amicable, and seeing how that wasn't an option I was hoping they would at least give me the respect one gives any human being. But that's out of the table too.

So with this I intend to burn the bridge entirely.
Keeping hope that one day things could improve is hurting me a lot more with each passing day. As much as I try to focus on moving on, the pain comes in echoes especially finding myself as alone as I have in recent times.