Ayanami Rei - Beyond her heart

Translator's (mine) foreword:
A remark in the end of this article indicates it was originally posted at djstark.narod.ru - a site I've never visited and which is now unavailable. It was re-posted at anime.org.ua, which is a Ukrainian site from the 2000's dedicated to anime culture and containing many articles and other media. There are two similar articles on this website dedicated to Asuka and Shinji that appear to be written by the same author (none of them have any indicators of authorship). It was then re-reposted at lurkmore.to, which is a (now dead) Russian equivalent of Encyclopaedia Dramatica, in the page dedicated to Ayanami, where I discovered it some time ago. I decided to translate it to English for ye, since I am sure nobody ever did. I hope you will enjoy it.

P.S: The specifics of the original text and of the website it was posted on tell me it was written before 2010. The fact that this anonymous author could now as well be 30-40 years old gives me chills. Truly, Rei is forever

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Ayanami Rei - Beyond her heart

I still recall the taste of your tears
Echoing your voice just like the ringing in my ears
My favorite dreams of you still wash ashore
Scraping through my head
'till I don't want to sleep anymore
You always were the one to show me how
Back then I couldn't do the things that I can do now
This is slowly taking me apart
Grey would be the color if I had a heart
In this place it seems like such a shame
Though it all looks different now,
I know it's still the same
Everywhere I look you're all I see
Just a fading fucking reminder of who I used to be
You make this all go away
I'm down to just one thing
And I'm starting to scare myself
You make this all go way
I just want something
I just want something I can never have
--
Nine Inch Nails «Something I Can Never Have»

This article is dedicated to the most mysterious, unusual, appealing character of all I've ever met, - Rei Ayanami. It is meant for the fans, admirers, those who want to become such and just to all the curious ones. Here I tried, by systematizing all available information through analytical deduction, to give an answer (to myself, most of all) to a number of pretty interesting questions. Regarding Rei of course. Much of it may be questionable, but I attempted to justify my conclusions to the fullest extent. All uncertainties are due to the issue of Russian translation, and possible mind confusions, he-he.

First of all I want to warn the romantically inclined admirers of Rei, - there will be little to none high sophisticated discussions, and they will only be in the end. I've chosen my goal to be a throughout analysis in order to make Rei Ayanami more available for understanding, and not to add more confusion for the sake of conserving the common mystery around her, behind which I see no objective superiority, perhaps aside from the pleasant ability for everyone to make their own headcanon.

Rei's apartment:

Rei was moved to a one-room apartment (numbered 402) in the suburbs of Tokyo-3 most likely a year prior to the second wave of Angel attacks, to which hints the fact that she moved to the school where Toji was studying around that time. The district is far from being a proper one and clearly is not prosperous, in any usual city it probably could be called a ghetto, but in the postapocalyptic world of Evangelion this definition may be incorrect. In any case the motives of Nerv leadership, who allowed a defenseless fourteen years old girl to live alone, especially in such place, stay unclear to me. Since if we look at the twentieth chapter of the manga we'll see that there were plenty of marginals living in Tokyo-3. What's even more surprising is that such a prudent man as Ikari Gendo did not teach her to simply lock doors. Although I do not exclude the possibility of regular checkups of both Rei and her apartment by the Second Department.

Regarding the apartment itself, there is not much to tell. A tiny hall followed by a "kitchen" (a stove, a sink, and a few lockers above them). Door to the left leads into the bathroom, which is combined with a toilet, judging by the general simple planning. The only room is not unique neither in it's size nor in it's insides. A bed with a powerful lamp tied around it's upper part, a small chair, a fridge, and a massive bedside table (on which lies the only relic - broken glasses of Gendo Ikari) with drawers, where as it is known (thanks to Shinji) her underwear is stored. There is one more door, it's unknown what's behind it, but most likely it's something like a small storage room or a wardrobe. First thing that catches Shinji's attention, - a certain chaos around the place, which is especially noticeable in the hall, which appears to be a direct confirmation of Ritsuko's words on Rei's lack of ability for a self-sustainable life (or any life at all). At first I, just as the protagonist, was unpleasantly surprised, but after giving it a second thought I figured it out. Ayanami is not at all careless as it might appear to an inobservant viewer, which is shown clearly at least by lack of dirty dishes in the sink, or the usual tidy appearance of Rei, which she seems to always preserve despite a quite careless approach to it (remember the Showdown in Tokyo episode, the scene featuring changing of clothes, where the contrast between precisely folded clothes of Shinji and clothes of Rei carelessly thrown around is shown perfectly). Here it's important to consider her virtual lack of such essential characteristics and complexes of modern men as possessiveness, desire to fit the societal norms, lust for hoarding and other faults of the consumerist society. When making a decision, Rei is guided only by the exceptional rationality of fulfilling this exact action at this exact time. All her decisions are so. Ascetic atmosphere is explained likewise, since it provides with everything minimally required for a living, and meaning of comfort mostly depends little on the external factors for our blue hairdo girl.
To add to that, in such domestic trifles one's bringing up makes a big difference (as it is for example in Shinji's case), but in the case of Rei this observation is out of place. Also, remember episode 15 - "Lie and Silence", the scene with cleaning up of the classroom, which clearly shows lack of basis behind possible accusations of laziness or unwillingness to get hands dirty, - she simply sees no essential need in it, and that's it.

On the wall, between the bedside table and the fridge, a small mirror is hanging, meant obviously not for enjoying own reflection and surely not for doing a makeup, but rather for solely practical purpose.

Most likely Rei has to wash things herself, in the bathroom (poor girl!) - she has no washing machine.

It's worth mentioning that her thick dark curtains above the windows are always curtained, due to which a pleasant semidarkness is present in the room at all time. It's possible that Rei decided to darken her room after being wounded, in order for bright sunshine to not irritate the wounded eye (there were no curtains in EoE), or maybe she simply likes it this way, since as it was noted she prefers the dark part of the day, after all the Moon's light fits her so well.

Rei's childhood:

Reasons behind such a weird state of her apartment become clear in the end of episode 23, "Tears". To be honest I know little about genetic engineering and cannot say for sure, but based on the assumptions that, first of all, Rei was born after 2004, meaning after Yui's death, and obviously such a complex scientific experiment of uniting a human and an Angel could not be completed quick.
Second of all, Gendo first introduced Ayanami when her body looked like that of an at least ten year old. She already was able to consciously speak, which points to the fact her brain corresponded to the level of a ten year old kid, or maybe an even older one. Furthermore, obviously, until a certain point Rei lived in care of Gendo most likely sharing same roof. Hence it's unsurprising that after starting independent life, Rei subconsciously copied the general state of the place where she spawned into this world.

Regarding Rei's "birth" one more mystery remains, about which not a word was said in the movie, - who was Ayanami's physical mother? Since a human mother must have carried her in her womb, - she sure couldn't materialise from the thin air or break away from Lilith? Who was this woman? Nobody knows...

Rei's items:

Maybe to someone it will appear of little importance and not deserving any attention, but I am interested in everything related to Ayanami, and in my opinion such details help to understand a person, and in the case of Rei, where almost no direct information is given at all, such review is a quite a bit of help.

Clothing. In the series Rei usually can be seen dressed in a uniform (in the usual one and in the, so to say, "sleeveless" variant of it when she's wounded) and in an astonishing school uniform. Not once she appeared before our surprised view without any clothes whatsoever, - the beautiful is best revealed in an undressed way, but that's not our topic. Once (in the second episode) she was showed in a hospital gown, I remind of this episode just for the sake of it, for my own pleasure.

Before others Ayanami sure as always appears in the school uniform, rarely dressing in a swimming suit (in order to swim, of course). Also, it was noted that Rei has at least two swimming suits of the same model, but of different colors (or to be exact, of two different tones of blue) - dark blue and light blue. Apparently, she has no other clothes, or if she does, she doesn't wear it, simply because she sees no sense in it. In her apartment she also stays in her uniform, though perhaps when it's hot she takes it off and stays nude - there is no one to be ashamed of, and there will be no guests.
Bras, panties and socks are always of white color, same as her little boots, in which she walks in her apartment, though she also has black slippers which she puts on when walking out of shower. Before falling asleep she dresses in a nightgown, of white color of course (a scene in EoE).

Well what else, a small briefcase, which she always brings along, and a handbook that is laying either in the briefcase or in a pocket. That's probably it. If we do not count glasses of Gendo Ikari.

Rei's leisure:

This question bothers me not less than investigating Ayanami's character, and although in the movie there is little to no information on that, still, at least through analysing indirect evidences I was able to put together a more or less clear picture, which I now want to share.

1. Let's begin with the banal - culinary preferences. It is known for sure that Rei, as a true Japanese female, doesn't like meat. She is also okay with noodles. That's pretty much it, nothing else is known, which is sad. But we can assume that her ration is that of a common vegetarian, of course no alcohol, and most likely she doesn't consume any soda either, just water and maybe classic Japanese green tea (interesting, what about the sweets?). She's cooking at the kitchen, though lack of any kind of dining table demonstrates that she's either eating at the kitchen itself (while sitting on the only small chair) or in the room, on the bed.

Apparently Rei does shopping herself, at which hints the bag hanging on the rear side of the fridge. But also it's quite possible that all required is delivered from time to time by a special man assigned for this task.

2. Among Rei's interests one can surely be named - swimming. "Water is something pleasant", she mentions in her meditations in episode 14 - "SEELE, Throne of Soul". And it seems it's one of fhe only few things in her life that actually bring her pleasure.

3. So, Nerv, school, shops, apartment 402, these are the main places which Ayanami visits. On purpose I don't say "home", because a "home" is the place that you love, in which you are waited for, while apartment 402 is a living place, but not a home by any means (if you remember, Ayanami said "I'm home" moments before her fusion with Lilith).
And while it's clear what she does in first three locations, a question occurs, "what is Rei doing when left alone?", to which there is no clear answer, only guesses. And since there are no such essential attributes of common modern life as TV and radio, it's logical to conclude that, considering the generally philosophical mindset of Ayanami, she is fond of literature.
But she has very few books (I've spotted three), and even they most certainly are schoolbooks. I won't even mention her obvious lack of any kind of a hobby. Although she surely has no problems with studying, even considering regular skipping of lessons for understandable reasons. If Rei understands that she's falling behind a little, she tries to return to the same pace herself, using every opportunity to study (even while sitting next to Shinji who was returning to life, waiting for him to wake up, Ayanami was reading a schoolbook).

4. The usual appearance of Ayanami as seen by others hardly can be characterized other than being distanced. But this is a wrong impression. Although it looks like this calm and silent girl is so deep down own thoughts that whatever happens in the world around doesn't concern her. Though Rei doesn't show it, she sees everything well and pays attention to everything. It's just that events that take place around are too worthless to pay too much attention to them, and especially to react to them. However, Rei almost always responds to questions directed to her, but never begins a conversation by herself without a significant need for it.
The reason for it is partly in the fact Rei feels to be different from other people, and other people feel the same way towards her. Therefore the only person, aside from Gendo, to which Ayanami could talk to normally was herself. So what was our blue hairdo girl thinking about? Sadly, in the movie too much time is dedicated to Shinji, who trapped himself in a masochistic self-loathing loop, while the much more interesting thought processes in the mind of Rei are not shown completely. But, as we can judge by what is present, Rei's meditations in most cases take a complex philosophical form. It's a pity that she reads so little, - she could have become a true Minerva. Due to lack of knowledge the topics that she is developing rarely are lead to a logical conclusion, and hence, all attempts of fundamental investigations of life's nature lead her to an ever bigger amount of questions. The general way of her meditations could be characterized as stoic pessimism, originating from fatalism of Ikari Gendo, Rei's doubts about value of own existence and the deep inner division between the true living soul and the artificially created body. Rei defined herself as a "being that wishes death", since only such death is able to silence the dissonance of her existence. The so-called "mental instability" of pilot of the zero unit, is nothing other than manifestation of these deep controversies. Remember what Dummy Plug was capable of in episode 19 and you'll understand what the poor girl has to live with.

5. From the movie Evangelion - Death we get to know of Rei's fine ability at being a musician. I don't think playing a violin brought her much pleasure, most likely she thought of it as of a chore, similar to studying in school, which considering the fact that she knew of her own destiny and the coming End seems pretty meaningless and being done exclusively according to orders. Although it's possible that I'm wrong, and music was another hint at the life of our strange girl.

Relationships with people:

Shinji
Rei knew of Shinji's existence for a long time prior to him moving to Tokyo-3. Their first contact has happened in the very first frames of the first episode. Although afterwards, as Shinji said, they have not said even a word to each other, nevertheless they were looking at each other with quite strong expression. For a long time Rei was treating him exclusively as pilot of the first unit, and son of supreme commander Ikari, but as time went by she realized that Shinji means much more to her. I don't agree with the opinion that reason for it was the part of her personality which she "inherited" from Yui. No, her attitude to Shinji was evolving from cold carelessness to limitless tinderness appearing in EoE. It can certainly be said that exactly Shinji has become the most precious being in the Universe for her, and if fulfilment of his Main Wish wasn't manifestation of love, what is love anyway..?

Asuka
Obviously, Asuka was perceived by the blue hairdo girl as a person that was needed to Gendo Ikari. The opinion about Rei's negative thoughts towards Langley seems questionable, - although this isn't excluded, since Ayanami's feels were a mystery even to her. I'm sure that even the memorable slap across the cheek didn't cause the same impression as Asuka's words about her being a doll in the hands of supreme commander Ikari, which touched one of the rare topics that actually worries Rei - is she a real human, or just an artificially made toy, an instrument for achieving some Greater Goal?

Gendo
The keys to the heart of Ayanami were in the hands of this man for a long time, but in the end he lost them, - in his soul there was no room left for love to anyone but Yui, for which human Instrumentality project was created.

Controversial feelings to Gendo formed from the half-unconscious, genetical, so to say, affection, the loyalty raised in her, and the pursuit of independency have lead to a painful choice between fate, predetermined by Ikari, to whom she "owes" life itself, which was only burdensome to her, and fate of his son Ikari Junior, who gave her a chance to feel free for a short time.

Kaworu
Regarding the notorious similarity between Rei and the little Angel. Aside from their artificial nature and features related to it, I see no parallels whatsoever. Not for a second have I believed his babbling about humanity, neither his allegedly noble affections. All is lie! He actually turned out to be a weakling more than Shinji. Once he realized that all members of SEELE quite simply used him, and Shinji obliterated Eva unit two, it was over for him and he shamefully gave up. "Only in death I can be free". Mere posturing, that's all there is. And Shinji he just toyed with...

A little bit of metaphysics:
What's the reason behind such a strange girl as Rei being so appealing? Perhaps it's her strangeness itself? Absolutely. But only partly. The undiscovered always frightened and attracted at the same time. The desire to look into someone's soul, which, as we know, is always unknown for the uninitiated, lives inside every one of us. And the stranger and more incomprehensible a soul is, the more interesting it is for us. Souls of the doomed and of the innocent feature a special kind of attractiveness. The unachievable purity of the former attracts those who've lost it and now bitterly regrets it. And those who've known pain and misery face to face take the Galactic-sized sadness of the latter close to heart.

The straight, unbending will, nevertheless subordinate to him, whom she considers above herself and more important than herself, is manifested in every move of Ayanami. The cold determination is neighboring the deeply hidden softness (which appeared fully in EoE).

The calm fatality is seen in her facial appearance, giving her an impression of chosenness and unavailability of the true Child of Fate.

The limitless beauty of her spiritualized appearance charms the soul and conquers the heart. But only of that man, whose desire for the perfection of the beautiful wasn't completely erased by the Fall of man and the madness of the modern life.

Considering the concept of Rei as of a character, the authors of Evangelion surely are not the first ones here, though undoubtedly the best. Similar stories of a being only partially related to the human kind and featuring far more humanity than many humans, such stories, usually full of deep tragedy can be found throughout the world literature, and in anime itself (take "Ghost in the Shell" for instance) and even in JRPG (in Phantasy Star for example). It means that not once an attempt was made to take a look on the human world through inhuman eyes. And the picture that was drawn out of it was far, far from being perfect... The best human qualities, which characters of such works of art were longing for so much, have become atrophic in most humans or were hidden due to lack of use (to live with wolves means to howl like wolves¹), and to others they usually bring but pain and sufferings.

Of course every individual case has it's specifics, Asuka prefers to smash all obstacles in her way, Shinji usually prefers to run away, and Rei... Rei has long gotten used to the thought that such things are not for her and are not available to her. The understanding of which has come too late. As always, however...

(c) based on materials of djstark.narod.ru

¹ - a Russian proverb.