All Hamlet Greentexts

Anthenaeum
>"Paracelsus, I have a question."
>"Josephine, if the eyes in your head are functioning properly, you could see that I'm rather busy with this leech."
>"It looks like you're trying to convince it to jump through a tiny hoop."
>"Like I said, busy."
>"Anyway, I've been reviewing your end of the budget for this month, and I have some concerns."
>"Concerns like what?"
>"You spent more on leeches this month than it cost to construct this building."
>"And why is that of your concern?"
>"I'm the one handling the money for us, and what's the Heir going to say if I tell him, 'Oh, the reason we need a boatload of Gold is because we literally cannot stop spending it on leeches?'"
>"He'll tell you to buy me more leeches?"
>"No more leeches. You have enough to suck the town dry, work with what you have?"
>"And how am I supposed to successfully run Paracelsus' Circus of Flying Leeches if you so steadfastly stand in the way of progress?"

>"Alhazred, could I speak with you about your summonings?"
>"I suppose. What do you need?"
>"I just have a concern with the summoning that you've been performing, as the past several have taken rather large chunks out of the roof, chunks we need to replace."
>"Don't think of it like that, think of it as letting some air into this stuffy building, and making our stargazing all the easier."
>"I'd like to, if it meant that the rain hadn't destroyed my stockpiles of antiques."
>"This sounds like a 'you' problem."

>"Explain this to me, how exactly did the three of you manage to build this place? None of you are exactly skilled laborers, you all frankly lack the muscle, and you seemed rather sure that no one help you with it."
>"Do you recall that time a few weeks ago where a giant red tentacle descended from a stormy sky directly above the Hamlet?"
>"Yes, it sent everyone into a frenzied panic, and the town was nearly destroyed for the ninth time that week. What about it?"
>"I contacted a few eldritch beings that owed me some favors."
/
Training Ring
>"It's amazing. Beautiful, really. We finally have a place to ourselves where we can properly train."
>"It's thanks to you, William. How did you do it?"
>"Same way I got the things I wanted in my days as a lawman; threats of violence and a few vials of dog urine."

>"Amani, we all appreciate having you here, but we aren't entirely sure that you're meant for the Ring."
>"Is this because I'm Arabic?"
>"What? No, no, you have much more experience as a dancer than a fighter, maybe the Performance Hall would suit you better. Sarmenti can be a little...odd...but I'm sure he'd be fine with you."
>"Don't be optimistic, Barristan, he threatened to beat me with his lute when I came too close to it."
>"Well, William, maybe you shouldn't have let Fergus chase a rabbit underneath it."
>"I was hungry for rabbit! What can I say?"
>"Barristan, maybe once you see my ability, you'd be willing to let me stay here, for my safety, and so Sarmenti doesn't develop bloodlust again."
*Barristan and Amani move out of view*
>"She stays."
>"What? You were the one who suggested-"
>"She. Stays."
>"What did you do to the old man?"
>"I showed him my abilities. But I didn't say which ones."
>"Wait, did you-"
>"Spear, you imbecile. Spear and armor piercing. Don't want you also thrown out of the Brothel."
>"Too late. I refused to leave Fergus outside, then some girl's 'allergies' started acting up, and now I'm on the hit list."
/
Sanguine Vintners
>"And who are all of you, exactly?"
>"Us? We're just here to make the Blood more available to those who need it."
>"Yes, about that, can you prove to me you aren't members of the Court?"
>"No, but I can assure you we are not."
>"I see, and how do you feel about this small jar of Mercury?"
>"GET THAT SHIT OUT OF HERE."

>"Part of my concern is that you're going to get people around here hooked on the Blood."
>"That's foolish! The Blood is entirely non-habit forming to anyone who is not under the effects of the Curse!"
>"And how exactly do you explain everyone around here chugging down bottles of a suspicious red liquid that smells of blood like their lives depend on it?"
>"Don't look at us, look at that bird doctor."
>"Paracelsus? What about her?"
>"She brought back one of those little goblets those skeletons use, they must be drinking freely."

>"I hope you realize that operating here puts the entire town at risk, beyond their cravings and addictions."
>"Ludicrous. What could possibly happen?"
>"Well, we've been preparing for an invasion of Brigand soldiers, led by a man named Vvulf, who seems rather keen on destroying as much of the town as possible."
>"And what does that have to do with us?"
>"They were found smashed to pieces. Those who weren't were found tied to stakes and set alight. A sole survivor told us it was one man, screaming about heretics and the Blood."
>"Such a strange fellow, I should hope he finds his way into the actual Courtyard, where the real members of the Court are residing."
>"Yes, on that subject, what do you think of this tiny mirror?"
>"Mirror? What? Sorry, but I felt rather dizzy for a second."
/
Altar of Light
>"Reynauld, where did you get the money to build this."
>"It was a joint effort between the good Abbot, the funds that Junia, Damian, and myself have collected during out time here, and a number of anonymous benefactors who wish to see the word of the Light spread."
>"Right, and would these 'anonymous benefactors' happen to also be the people who have been reporting extensive thievery as of recent?"
>"Nooooo...."
>"Reynauld, give them back their money by the end of the month, or you're fired."
>"I HAVE ALREADY CLAIMED THE VICTORY FOR THE CHURCH!"
/
Outsider's Bonfire
>"Bigby, Baldwin. Stop fighting. We're sitting together like a damned family of outsiders, and enjoying this pig I, erm, 'borrowed.'"
>"Baldwin doesn't want to sit next to me, though. He says I'm an Abomination."
>"You are, Bigby, but Baldwin, I'm sick of the fighting. You're both up at the front, both diseased in your own right, both horrifying in appearance-"
>"Thanks, Boudica. Thank you for pointing out my leprosy."
>"-and your names both start with 'B.'"
>"Wait a minute, you know that? You know the alphabet? I knew you couldn't even read, but this is a big first step."
>"Bigby, next time you transform, I'm skinning you for your pelt."
/
Performance Hall
>"Sarmenti, you went to all the effort of building this place. Why not let others see it? Why just sit behind the curtains and playing that lute deliberately off-tune?"
>"I carry them every quest, I won't also carry a tune for them."
>"Maybe if you had some help? Perhaps from Amani? She was a dancer, after all."
>"Last time I performed with a dancer, she was paid her weight in gold, lavish jewels, and the old tyrant's penis. I was hanged by my ankles to a chandelier while the crowd threw all manner of things at me."
>"Do you think anyone around here has enough money to own such a thing?"
>"Yes, Reynauld. Even if that sticky-fingered clanking suit of armor didn't lift one from the Ruins, I'm not taking chances."
/
House of the Yellow Hand
>"Dismas, what the hell are you doing up there?"
>"Oh, hello, Heir. Just doing some light construction, you know how it is."
>"No, I don't. And does this 'light construction' have anything to do with Audrey asking for about fifty Portraits, or Tardif nearly blowing himself up trying to brew alcohol?"
>"Yes, but it's not our fault. That Tavern, they didn't want to hear a word in our defense. First they tell me I can't finish customer's drinks when left on the bar, then someone accuses me of cheating because I had a lucky streak, then I got a little emotional when this one wench looked a bit like my late wife, and now I'm to be shot on sight."

>"Dismas, Tardif. I think it's for the best we all confess."
>"Confess? Confess what?"
>"We're all cheating. I'm marking cards, you're holding a pistol to Tardif's testicles, and he's dealing from the bottom of the deck."

>"If this place is really going to take off the ground beyond our secret clubhouse, we'll need some ladies."
>"You mean, have both men and women here?"
>"Tardif, you dumbass, I mean we need some working girls, maybe ones that got sick of all the silly rules and regulations at the Brothel."
>"I know what you mean, still can't believe they banned me for pulling out a Flashbang when I was with those two broads. I was trying to spice it up."
>"I know, but stay focused. Who do we know that wouldn't mind getting familiar with strange men for quick Gold?"
*both slowly turn toward Audrey, who at that time made the mistake of bending over*
>"Don't even think about it, you two. The only reason I was with my late husband was for his money. Robbed his grave before he was cold in it."
/
The Red Hook
>"Heir, we need to talk."
>"What? Talk about what, William? And haven't you heard of knocking?"
>"Don't believe in it, you should have been expecting this after your little stunt."
>"I'm sorry, but what stunt?"
>"That grotesque thing you erected at the center of town? That giant red tentacle?"
>"Oh, yes, that! The Red Hook, it's called, thought by my Ancestor to give good luck."
>"Yes, and your Ancestor likewise thought that satanic arcane rituals could also give good luck. And is directly responsible for all the misery we've endured."
>"Aren't you being harsh?"
>"No. And my major concern is that by my calculations, you spent fifty thousand pieces of Gold, Gold we collected for you, on that hideous thing. And also wasted seven hundred fifty fragments of your family Crest on that, where we could have spent those same resources for those mapmakers-"
>"Who I am considering useless until we fetch all the relics from those Shambler-things."
>"-and the Training Ring Amani, Barristan, Missandei, and I desperately need-"
>"All your training can be done at the Guild without issue."
>"-or even the Puppet Theater, just to take our mind off things."
>"We both know Sarmenti would burn it down because of the newfound competition."
>"My point is, you gave Sarmenti the resources he needed for a stage he keeps to himself-"
>"I was fearing for my life."
>"-and spent an absurd amount on a Bonfire with a spitroast for the local oddballs."
>"Boudica and I have a, well, 'understanding.'"
>"Yes, you and Junia both. 'Virgin,' my foot."
/
Granary
>"Well, we certainly appreciate you willing to spend the Gold to get this old place up and running again. So many of us lost our jobs, the Hamlet is starving, but at least now, we can put food on the table for the townsfolk, and go back to our families with an honest wage. We can also take much better care of our crops, so the quality of the food has definitely increased. Really, we need all the food we can get ever since that strange light started coming out of the Old Mill."
>"Yes, and what of the free food you promised us every week?"
>"I'm sorry, what free food?"
>"The free food that you promised my team out of desperation when I showed you all that Gold. I intend to turn in on it."
>"The populace is starving, and you're worried about free food?"
>"The requirements of survival cannot be met on an empty stomach."
>"And you willingly spent twenty five hundred pieces of Gold on this place to save a less than a handful every week?"
>"Yes."
>"You truly are a descendant of that miserable Ancestor."

>"Well, William, we certainly appreciate you agreeing to guard the place ever since a few bandits made off with some of our stock."
>"Oh, don't worry. I'm essentially eating for two with how ravenous my Fergus here can become."
>"It's pleasant to see you're more reasonable than that miserable Heir to the estate. His entire motivation of rebuilding the place was to save a little on food every week."
>"You know that huge sculpture of a red tentacle at the center of town?"
>"Unfortunately, yes."
>"He built it, mostly to see if he could. Had to shake him down for days to get a decent Training Ring up and running. The security of the town and quality of the local militia don't matter nearly as much as a gross display of power and extravagance."
>"Yes, well, is there anything we could do for you while you're here?"
>"I don't suppose I could sway you to make dog food, could I?"
/
Bank
>"Now Josephine, I understand you're here to review the value of these antiques you lifted?"
>"Yes, that's correct."
>"Wonderful, and what is Reynauld doing here?
>"I couldn't tell you, he followed me in here."

>"Shall we make the trip to your vault now?"
>"Yes. And Reynauld, should you lay a finger on anything, we will know. I have every piece of Gold in my vault accounted for, and if anything is out of place when we leave, I'm locking you in there."
>"Oh come now, Josephine, greed is one sin I have no intention of-BY THE LIGHT ABOVE, HOW DID YOU UNCOVER THIS MUCH GOLD?!"
>"Unlike you, I don't donate every penny to the Abbot."
>"Heretic."

>"I think that will suffice for now. Pleasure as always."
>"Yes, wonderful to see you again, Josephine. Come again should you find anything else."
>"Reynauld, we're leaving."
>"Can I just stay for one more-"
>"Leaving."
>"Fine, I'll- *whistles*"
>"Audrey, get him."
*Audrey drops from the ceiling onto Reynauld*
>"GET YOUR FILTHY HANDS OFF ME, HERETIC! I HAVE DONE NO WRONG!"
>"Sweetie, we all know what happens when you whistle. Things go missing, things like piles of Rubies, food, Bandages, Antidote, Holy Water, relics from the Ancestor himself, you understand."
>"Well done, Audrey. The gems, as promised, with a total value of perhaps ten thousand Gold. Don't use it to fuel your gambling habit again."
>"Oh please, this is going to the Granary to brew up some moonshine. Dismas and Tardif will be paying me more than enough when we do another round of cards tonight."
>"Whatever suits you. Best check his pockets for anything else."
>"Fair en-how did you get your hands on my Talisman, Reynauld?"
>"Found it."
>"It was contained within my satchel, which can be accessed only by me, lest the intruder take a nasty gash to the hands. Is that why you're holding your sword lopsided?"
>"No, no I'm not."
>"I'll speak with the manager, see if we can bar him from entering."
/
Puppet Theater
>"I still can't believe the Heir agreed to make this puppet show for us. All those resources he put into this, something doesn't feel right."
>"It was for keeping Sarmenti away from the place. When he first saw it going up, he threatened all manner of bloody violence against the puppets. Not the puppeteers, mind you, but the puppets themselves."
>"Which is why we've been told to make our own puppet shows?"
>"Yes, and why we need to keep the puppets locked in the trunk under the stage."

>"'Oh, no! A piglet that may oink at me oddly and cause me to become inexplicably stunned! And I can't attack it because otherwise, this giant pile of sentient viscera masquerading as a pig king shall squish me!'"
>"Baldwin, I understand you're still frustrated, but you need to let it go."
>"I nearly died to that piglet, Junia!"

>"'Oh, Sarmenti, you're the only person around here who knows what he's doing!'"
>'"Quite right, Reynauld-'"
>"HEY!"
>"'-everyone else is an incompetent fool who couldn't recognize good music if it crawled up their arsehole.'"
>"'Sarmenti! Help us! A ghostly pirate with an out-of-tune fiddle is attacking!'"
>'"Yet another musician acting out of envy. I shall save you fools. Again.'"
>"Sarmenti, I recall that I saved you from that thing, after you spent several minutes trying to bleed it, a ghost."
>"Shut your dough-hole, Tardif, nobody cares."

>"'Hello there, Bigby. What are you doing?'"
>'"I'm lying in the dirt like the filthy creature I am.'"
>"'Yes, Bigby, you are a disgusting thing that deserves death and hatred.'"
>'"I completely agree. Please beat me as you see fit.'"
>"Junia, I don't like this show very much."
>"You can't always get what you want, you hideous abomination."

>"Glad to see at least you showed up for the execution, Dismas."
>"Sarmenti, I don't know what's going on and don't want to, just let the puppets off the tiny gallows."
>"And here I thought you liked gallows humor. Nay, these puppets have insulted this clown for the last time."
>"You do know those puppets aren't alive, right? Whenever a 'puppet' insults you, it's because the person controlling it is insulting you."
>"That's absurd! How else would they know about my lute suddenly turning out of tune that time in the Weald?"
>"That's because William was controlling the puppets that day, and was with you in the Weald, and got insulted when you did that show of him saying he prefers cats."
>"Or when the Flesh tried to eat my hat?"
>"Boudica was with you that time, and became rather angry when you called the elder spirits 'imaginary friends.'"
>"So these puppets were not insulting me."
>"No, what did you think?"
>"I wish we could have had this conversation perhaps five minutes ago."
>"Sarmenti, what did you do."
>"You wouldn't know if the Hamlet has a fire department, would you?"
*off in the distance*
>"BY THE ANCESTOR'S MUSTACHE, WHO BURNED DOWN THE PUPPET THEATER?!"
/
Cartogropher's Camp
>"I'm sorry, I just want to be clear. You want me to make a map of an area where the layout changes every single time, and is more or less unpredictable in what it may or may not contain?"
>"Well, when you put it that way, it sounds stupid. But yes."
>"And how do you expect these maps to help you?"
>"So when we come across one that's the same as last time, we know what's going to happen! It's not hard!"
>"Yes, but you yourself just told me that it changes every time."
>"Are you going to make the maps or not?"

>"Well, well, well, look at the big shot map man with his fancy campsite, and his tent made of silk, and all his maps, and his education."
>"I'm sorry, can I help you?"
>"Yes. You know, we used to be the ones to rely on for navigation and scouting, especially when it came to locating Traps, and you came and ruined it."
>"That certainly wasn't my intention, I just want to make things easier for all of you, though that's proving to be difficult."
>"I'M GOING TO MAKE LIVING DIFFICULT, YOU SACK OF-"
>"Tardif, put the axe down. We don't need it, yet. We just want to be clear, we're at the top with this. I didn't go to school to make maps, or school at all, and I can scout about better than you ever could in your wildest dreams."
>"Well, I'm trying to just make things easier in the event one of you doesn't go on the expedition. That way, everyone can-"
>"I'M GOING TO PUT MY PICK IN YOUR EYE, YOU OUTSOURCING SON OF A-"
>"Audrey, calm down. Go have a drink with Tardif, I'll sort them out."
>"Fine, William. Maybe threaten this bastard with Fergus."
>"I'm sorry about those two, they're very hot-headed."
>"Yes, clearly."
>"Before you came, we had few ways of being better scouts. The Caution Cloak, the Ancestor's Map. But the three of us were just good scouts, and we had gear that made us better. You can stay here, I have a place where you can hide."
>"Where's that?"
>"If you don't mind the company of puppets who escaped their execution, you'll be fine."
/
The Mill
>"Run that by me one more time, how did you build this place?"
>"It all started when those guys muttering about crystals went to the Farmstead. They cam back with bags upon bags of those blue crystals, and also these little sprite-things in a jar. After we gathered a bunch of them, this place just sort of sprang up. Oh, and we can't find the jars."
>"Has anybody tried going inside?"
>"I did yesterday. Passed out before I got to the front door, woke up maybe an hour ago."
>"You've been gone for nearly two months."

>"This place just doesn't feel right. It's made out of what we can only assume to be memories, it's closely linked to all those crystals running around at the Farmstead, the mercenaries have treated it like a house of worship, and the lights keep me up at night. Why do we need it?"
>"Well, the only time anyone has stopped to eat on quests ever since this came up was at Camp. Otherwise, no one's hungry."
>"Guard this place with your lives."

>"Did those guys at the Granary have anything to say about the Mill? Aren't they getting most of their supplies from there?"
>"Yes, but they know as much as we do."
>"Exactly how much is that?"
>"According them, it just shows up in their building, sometimes glowing, sometimes containing more crystals."

>"Apparently, production has halted at the Mill. Someone is dying today."
>"That might have been me. I went over there with this weird Locket, and everything just went quiet. The building looked occupied, but then it looked like it hadn't seen a soul in decades."
>"Burn the Locket."
>"Are you kidding? The Miller thinks whoever is carrying this thing is-"
>"Burn. The. Locket."
/
Geological Studyhall
>"So, Josephine, you were the one to put up all the materials for this?"
>"Yes, and once again, only the magical space crystals would suffice in building this place."
>"Of course. And how exactly does it work?"
>"Being able to more thoroughly study the gems we find, we can take more of them at a time."
>"How many more?"
>"Roughly one more."
>"You spent all our space crystals on this place to carry more gems? And despite you being able to carry more Gold and pull Artifacts of varying qualities from seemingly every location possible, you weren't able to carry more gems from the start?"
>"Don't question the space crystals, I don't intend to."
/
Tainted Well
>"You know, when a well is described as 'tainted,' it doesn't exactly encourage people to drink from it."
>"Most of the taint has come from the blue crystals, which seem to be springing up like vermin. I don't even know why we built this place."
>"Wait, look in the well. Doesn't that smell like Laudanum?"
>"It does, and that's definitely Holy Water. Is it coming from this well?"
>"More likely someone is storing it. But who would store this in such a place?"
>"We both know."

>"Reynauld."
>"Ah, William, Tardif. Did you need something?"
>"We took a look at that strange well that sprang up in town. The one covered in crystals?"
>"Yes, built it myself! Even dug it with my bare hands! I was informed that the crystals have tremendous properties that can amplify the effects of already potent brews such as the Holy Water and Laudanum you saw!"
>"Why else is it there?"
>"Well, you see, the crystals are blue. And that wretch Bigby doesn't seem to like the color blue."
>"The Heir has gone through this countless times, you, Junia, Baldwin, and Damian need to play nicely with him now."
>"I will, but I won't like it. Anyway, it keeps him away from the stock of such valuable materials."
>"You're worried about someone stealing from you?"
/
Miasmal Orchard
>"I don't understand anymore, Paracelsus. A regular orchard, I would have been ecstatic. But once again, these foul crystals feel the need to spring up everywhere we look. This is certainly not the place I would turn to in need of an orchard."
>"But Baldwin, didn't you display gross enthusiasm for Reynauld's little project?"
>"Yes, if it meant making life difficult for that creature Bigby. But this is just wrong."
>"Well, since most of the things growing here are commonly used in the Medicinal Herbs and Antivenom we rely on, the crystals have been giving them accelerated effects. They're far stronger than they once were."
>"Any other effects? There has to be something negative."
>"Actually, yes. People using them extensively have been going without sleep for long periods, losing their appetite and similarly a great deal of weight, and are becoming even more nervous and anxious than usual."
>"Really? Anything else?"
>"What's also concerning me is that they've begun to engage in very dangerous and risky behavior, and they certainly don't seem to want to stop with the crystals. Audrey has been describing it as 'best thing since snuff.' She's actually skipped using the Herbs and tonics, and gone straight to taking the crystals."
>"How discreetly could we burn this place down?"
>"I think if we burn it, it'll just create a plethora of new problems, mostly for us."