surgery is stabbing someone to life,

presidential alert, I just stepped on a lego please send help,

oh my god they are having sex,

bone, b-two hundred and six,

might go jail so I can focus on gym properly,

jesus t posed before it was cool,

shrek be like don-kay,

presidential alert, am I high or did I just text the entire country lmao,

the h in ghost is actually a little ghost  waving to you,

rom-coms romantic communists, more than comrades, delete this,

presidential alert, hey bro can I hit your juul just one time I promise it will be the only time just one hit bro,

me, my eyes are up here, picasso, I disagree,

old youtube song, exists, comment niggas, anyone 2018,

presidential alert, lmao accidentally launched all the nukes y’all better hide,

me, if you drink this coffee you’re gonna get jittery and anxious and you’re gonna feel sick later, my brain, good bean juice taste like chocolate make me go fast,

me, knows foe is pronounced foe, me, fox,

girl, I’m breaking up with you, me, weird flex but ok,

french people be like bonjour fellas today we chasing this baguette,

during sex, her, call me names, me, panicking, john jacob jingleheimer schmidt,

I’ll start studying at 7 PM, you’ve missed your chance, start at 8, ok,

I’ll have the chicken pajamas sir, waiter, it’s parmesan, I’ll have the chicken pajamas parmesan,

ladies when’s the last time a guy opened the car door for you, when I got arrested,

to get away with not having done work I’m using a loading icon gif to trick the teacher into thinking it just won’t load, illusion 100,

if 99 percent of people find you unattractive then around 75,000,000 people on earth still find you attractive, my self confidence just shot up,

what is an extreme sport, driving before your windshield defrosts when you’re late,

chicken salad is egg salad all grown up,

forgot that I had asked my homie what kind of teddy grahams he wanted, honey, yea wassup, just realized you was saying the flavor you wanted, not addressing me endearingly,

when you give yourself an inappropriate kahoot name but your teacher just laughs at it, a surprise to be sure but a welcome one,

oh that’s your girl, lmao then why did she just give me her number and insurance information after I hit her car in the parking lot of applebee’s,

rate my professor is really something, I never wore my seatbelt while driving to school because I wanted to die before making it to his class,

go commit nipple car battery,

bruh I just wanna know who was the first person to look up at the stars and say that shit spanglin,

what is the biggest planet on earth, hmm,

once you’ve read the dictionary every other book you read is just a remix,

teacher leaves room, class clown, penis, third grade niggas,

when the vitamin gummies say only 2 a day but your mom isn’t home, the way I see it we can do whatever we want,

urgent message from the weather channel for those in the path of hurricane matthew, your video will play after this ad,

anxiety is literally just conspiracy theories about yourself,

ovens are just domesticated deserts,

is-land, isn’t land,

mia khalifa, gordon ramsay, saying fuck me,

everyone you love dies but you get a cool hat for free, what did it cost, everything,

thinking quickly, dave constructs a homemade megaphone using only some string a squirrel and a megaphone,

you, a plebeian, friends with benefits, me an intellectual, nutty buddy,

my brother got a fucking fidget spinner haircut,

so I was going to make a meeme but couldn’t be bothered, so imagine a car salesman meeme but the salesman is a skeleton, he slaps the roof of a pumpkin and says it can fit so much spook in it, that’s my meeme, hope you appreciate it,

calcium,

my depression coming to greet me unexpectedly on a decent day, beep beep you sad fuck,

me, calcium,

presidential alert, no no no I accidentally sent a dick pic don’t open please shit fuck,

fellas scared your girl gonna go through your phone while you asleep, put your phone in here,

emmanuel macron’s haircut looks like a notch,

are you sure you want to cancel, cancel, continue,

have fun at work today and remember that a guy who screamed I’m in love wit da coco already made more money than we’ll earn in 7 lifetimes,

when you get a 30 second unskippable tik tok youtube ad, now on the list of things that are not ok that was really not ok,

shoot yourself with smaller caliber bullets to build up an immunity to larger bullets,

when the date is over and she asks to come back to mine to engage in premarital sex,

I like to eat at olive garden by myself and when the hostess says dining alone tonight I say no because when you’re here you’re family ha ha ha never gets a laugh but that’s showbiz baby,

One time at a party sophomore year I asked a guy if I could hit his vape and he said this is my insulin pen I have diabetes and I think about it everyday,

people who call it a breadcake scare me it’s a muffin, if you call these anything but a roll you’re a psychopath,

what the fuck did moths do before lights, moths were actually the dominant predator before thomas edison created the lightbulb as a defence against moths moths need complete darkness to grow to their human eating size, the history books won’t tell you this because the government wants us to believe we’re untouchable,

which is creepier,this animatronic elvis I ripped the face off of while disassembling it or this selfie with me wearing its face, the fact that you thought of doing this at all,

tip number 244, don’t pee in the juul rooms,

when you go to youtube dot co dot uk in order to bypass the school filters, mister worldwide,

If I don’t pet my dog immediately he gets someone else to pet him then stares at me to see if I’m jealous,

when you are testing out your nationwide alert system but it immediately becomes a meeme, didn’t expect that reaction but that’s ok,

a relative asking how I’m getting on with the job search, me,

no I’m not tall, I’m just thick sideways,

It’ll soon be halloween so time to prepare some yummy treats for the neighborhood kids, try dipping brussel sprouts in chocolate for them,

when the lord gives me a sign I don’t question it, quit your job and do more drugs,

if you want to know how bad marriage is hitler killed himself after less than 40 hours of being married, I feel like there might’ve been some other things going on in his life too but there’s really no way to be sure,

giraffes, myth or reality, how the fuck does giraffes relate to the illuminati,

depression isn’t always obvious, michael says prime numbers for 3 hours,

like a light, like a light, like a light, like a light, like a light, like a light, like a light, like a light,

watching popular youtubers who do shitty stuff, watching a japanese man make knives out of increasingly weird materials,

you got me fucked up if you think I’m taking these off during sex,

calcium, osteopetrosis, my skeleton,

when noone comes to your funeral so you’re legally allowed to leave after 15 minutes,

darth vader, come to the dark side, moth, absolutely not,

nursing majors when they say laceration instead of cut,

when cowbelly doesn’t add spoooky meemes in comment awards 227, that wasn’t very calcium of you,

bill gates has more dollars than you have seconds left in your life, y’all really didn’t have to go there,

unpopular opinion, cookie dough is worth taking the risk of getting salmonella, dylan pull yourself together and get a damn spoon, it’s cookie dough not a beefy 5 layer burrito have some class,

the teacher, students packing up 15 seconds early,

me, how bad is it doc, doctor, she’s developed a severe case of decorative house speech disorder, my mom, life is what happens between coffee and wine, doctor, I’m so sorry, my mom, bless the food before us the family beside us and the love between us,

I’m a sneaky fox, sneaked in your house, sat on your couch, ate your pasta, scrolled past meemes which I enjoyed but didn’t upvote,

life is a game, weird flex but aight do you,

imagine paying 9000 pounds a year to study history lol just live in the present, imagine paying 9000 pounds a year to study business just mind your own, imagine paying 9000 pounds a year to study mathematics just use a calculator,

want to be spooky, become spooky, become so spooky you spook yourself,

who would win, 1 trillion lions, the sun, the lions would win if they attacked at night, 10 most intelligent people of all time,

let’s just take a moment to remember the worst phishing attempt I have ever encountered, hello this is louise from barclay fraud team, your account hacked please confirm bank details, who, louise from barclay fraud, please send long card number and expirey security code, fuck off, suck my plums, send bank details,

chicken nugget shaped like africa, 25,000 dollars or best offer,

date, why are you always looking at your phone, me, sorry, the president of the united states is texting me,

a little face swap to make you uncomfortable today,

family dinner,

presidential alert, big tiddy goth girl, wait this isn’t google, guys just ignore this, phones are now illegal please give your phone to the nearest police officer,

hey mom I am going to live by myself, great, your bags are in the driveway,

italic,

that look beavers over 25 give you when you try to explain beaver meemes to them,

retweet if you never seen pink eruption before, gender reveals are getting out of hand now,

1 out of every 3 snakes is an asshole,

ever see something and think holy shit that is violently american,

how vegans protect themselves from mind control,

the blood of satan fuels me, I become invincible once his red juices course through my veins, every body shall feel my unholy wrath of hell, I’m beginning to think this isn’t a real teletubbies account,

analog clock, log,

science says your dog isn’t really that special, science can take a hike,

recreate the gru meeme format, it gets lots of upvotes, people say the format is dead, people say the format is dead, the format being dead makes it even spookier,

what makes you think jake paul is a sociopath, sociopaths poop, jake paul has probably pooped,

school buses with wifi are helping children connect to the internet and bridge the technology divide, our school buses didn’t even have heat,

a few weeks ago I was visiting los angeles, I’m from spain but I’m fluent in english, I needed help finding directions to a certain address, I’m in downtown at this point on foot, I ask a guy in the street if he knows where the address is, he responds with no hablo ingles which is I don’t speak english in spanish, being from spain I understood him and asked him again in spanish, then he says in crystal clear english dude I just don’t wanna talk to anyone, leave me alone,

when you turn your computer on after a shutdown, allow us to introduce ourselves,

obama, hey donny can you ask ET if I left my phone in area 51, donald trump, he said bigfoot took it and locked himself in his room but he doesn’t know the password, george bush, yo fellas this ain’t the group chat, donald trump, what the fuck oh shit,

onion, onion, onion, onion, onion, onion, onion, onion, onion,

working at starbucks, guy from high school who was mean to me but doesn’t recognize me, can I get a vanilla latte, later, me, fully aware his name is cory, vanilla latte for corny, him, busy on phone, thanks, later at home, me, still full of adrenaline,

lmao kid emailed is teacher this and got a response, mister martin jsut letting you know that you are a motherfuckin g and I’m sorry that you are bald, lol, if you want I can hook you go with a girl who can get your hair back and keep you bangin, also I just needed to ask you for an extension on my paper, I’m really fucked right now and will be sick as fuck tomorrow, keep slayin boy and I forget to do school loop again, love you and see you monday, good fucken yard, patrick davidson, sent from my iphone, patrick, sounds like you had a great night, I will extend your paper deadline to wednesday at 11:59 PM, it must be submitted to turn it in dot com, please refer to my syllabus for information on how to submit your paper, I appreciate your concern for my bald head, my wife likes it and I don’t get paid enough to get hair implants, on a side note, what were you drinking last night, next time you email me I’d like a bottle of whatever you had so I don’t have to remember what you said, good yard, mister martin,

I started crying in class because I tried to draw mike pence from memory,

france, ok america I helped you with your revolution now can you help me with mine, USA, don’t worry france, I have a plan, USA has left the game,

who would win, the entire surveillance capacity of the fucking NSA, one sticky boy,

italians across america are protesting olive garden for discounting unlimited breadsticks,

hey there delilah what’s it like in new york city, I’m a thousand miles away so snapchat me them titties,

the sextant bar and galley, disappointing people who think we’re a strip club for 45 years,

a woman is sitting at her deceased husband’s funeral, a man leans in to her and asks do you mind if I say a word, no go right ahead the woman replies, the man stands clears his throat says plethora and sits back down, thanks the woman says, that means a lot,

when someone is still posting moth meemes, we don’t do that here, but brother please,

presidential alert, attached below is a picture of my pee pee, thank you and goodnight,

parents please check your kid’s candy, we just found a whole ass dude hiding in my son’s reese’s,

anxiety, what if you’re not good enough, depression, everyone hates you, a beaver, brother do you have any logs I can borrow,

boop,

florida man claims he only drank at stoplights and not while driving, arrested for DUI, sneak 100,

our phone screen is a lamp and we all are moths,

israel, isr-EA-l, base game, 59 dollars and 99 cents, first dlc, 19 dollars and 99 cents, second dlc, 19 dollars and 99 cents, legendary edition, 159 dollars and 99 cents,

when you shuffle through your over 500 song playlist and get your favorite 2 songs in a row,

have you seen the clown that hides from gay people, no, fourth graders,

presidential alert, the next person who does terrorism has the big gay, breaking news, terrorism rate drops to 0 percent,

voice cracks, a roast that will shatter the opponent’s life to pieces,

when you floor your civic and unleash all 125 horse power,

oklahoma, good-lahoma, bad-lahoma, okla-coma,

when your drunk friend in the back seat tryna tell you how to drive, the ability to speak doesn’t make you intelligent,

life pro tip, how to fuck with asshole parkers no zip ties required,

benedict arnold, heroically leads army to victory, doesn’t get promoted, benedict arnold, change team,

sean paul, moth, gimme the light,

when the school spends 120,000 dollars on new macbooks instead of fixing the heating and AC systems, that wasn’t very cash money of you,

when your mom gives you money to buy groceries and doesn’t ask for the change, total profit 2 pounds,

when the cashier says have a nice day and you accidentally say I peed and farded and shidded,

would a dolphin snort cocaine like this, or like this,

the spooky periodic table of the elements,

me without oven mitts, my sober friend, pizza rolls in the hot oven,

how bout you sit on my desk and take your top off,

love is love, not race, not age, not religion,

when you find out you’re going to the vet and not conducting the opera,

mom can you give me money for coca cola, to buy coca cola, yes, actually buys milk like a boss, calcium time,

when your mom tells you no tv after 10 but she goes to bed at 9, the way I see it we can do whatever we want,

chinese man tries to board plane with pet turtle disguised as hamburger, sneak 100,

khan-yay says slavery was a choice gets owned at the end of the video, slavery was a choice gets owned, hmm,

presidential alert, skeleton meemes aren’t funny, president trump, breaking news, president trump dragged out of office by angry doots,

cat, cat person, dog, dog person, lizard,

your crush, her dad, her bro, her pet, her first love, her ex, you,

what day is today, wednesday october third 2018, it’s october third, we are number one, released october third 2014, length 2 minutes and 18 seconds, 2:18 PM, presidential alert, this is a test of the national wireless emergency alert system, no action is needed,

say the line bart, calcium,

me binge eating taco bell, my asshole the next morning,