Always strive to eat the stars,
Aren’t they too hot,
Blow on them first, idiot,

I prefer guys who make small dong jokes about themselves over guys who make big dong jokes about themselves,
I got a medium dong,
It can talk to ghosts,
I nearly spat out my tea,

If i was rich i would drink bath and body works hand soaps exclusively, the gel ones on normal days and the foam ones when i’m treating myself,
I, personally, prefer the deodorant sprays,
And if you were truly a rich person, you’d know that bath and body works doesn’t make deodorant,

Shower your friends and loved ones with compliments even if they’re dumb bastards,
You’re such a dummy but i still love you,
Your end will be my happiness,

The man who invented it doesn’t want it, the man who bought it doesn’t need it, the man who needs it doesn’t know it,

Accurate depiction of me trying to merge my only two aesthetics but never succeeding because look at them,

You fricking dumbases are wearing glasses during sex,
Am i expected to find the g spot by echolocation,
You looking inside the pussy with your eyes, you crawling in there like antman,

Today i learned the reason why we view neanderthals as hunched over and degenerate is that the first skeleton to be found was arthritic,
Way to frick it up for your whole species you fricking idiot,

If you are reading this, something good will happen to you tomorrow at 3:33 p m,
Thank you,
Three bears went through my trash,

So a girl from my class dressed up as a creeper during an english presentation,
My character strengths,

Perhaps,
Is, is this an odis aesthetic post,
Perhaps,

Geese not wanted,
Let him in,
That sign is rude and evil,

It is too god dang early in the morning for me to fricking look at this,

I used to know this guy’s dad who slept with his eyes open and whenever i would sleep over at their house i’d sneak down and steal a poptart and stare at him directly in the eyes while eating it,
Why,
To tease fate,

Security went off at 1 a m,
This little guy found my dog’s ball,
This is so frickin cute,

The pacific ocean is wider than the moon, anyway how’s your day going,
Dip moon like cookie,

My parents just switched me from wet to dry food and it’s fricking ruining my life,

Partridges are also great birds they are very plump and huggable,
Fricking superb you funky little birdie,

Beware the mark of the beast,
Me aged 9 showing my friends satanism in pop culture conspiracy videos,

Thank you babushka,
This is impenetrable armor,
It was forged with love,

Is it on netflix, isn’t even a fricking question anymore because every single time the answer is no,

Oh to be a little goose and wreak absolute havoc,
You can wreak absolute havoc as a person too if you’re rowdy enough,
But as a goose i would never feel remorse,

When my parrot wants pets off someone he’ll go up to them, say hello, and lower his head to expose his neck,
Recently, however, he’s been doing this to a pitch black crevice behind the couch, even trying to cajole the darkness with kissy noises and getting sad when the void won’t pet him, how do i explain that dark chasms are not friends,
There’s a ghost in there,
A dang rude one too, pet the bird,

Male orangutans with cheek pads father more offspring,
The difference between a chad ape and a non-chad ape, incel ape, is literally a few inches of cheek width,
Oranguchad,

5 g,
Ohh dope phone what app is that,

At the water that drips down my arms when i wash my face and makes a big as mess, fricking fight me,
Reasons i’m still on this hecksite,
1, nowhere else i could find posts this specifically relatable,

Someone, hey how are you,
Me, moderate to severe,

True friendship is allowing a certain level of ghosting to go unmentioned,
Yeah, it’s called respecting your friend’s privacy and understanding that it is unreasonable to expect someone to be available to you 24/7,

Why don’t you step on a crunchy lead and maybe you’ll enjoy experience fleeting joy,

Hey buddy you’ve been in your depression moss-covered hollow stump for about four hours now is there something you wanna talk about,

Millennial culture is consuming two forms of entertainment at once and enjoying neither,
Scrolling tumblr watching netflix,

W l w, witches loving witches,

My name backwards spells disappointment and skin problems,
Nice to meet you, smelborp niks dna tnemtnioppasid,
You really shouldn’t put your full name on the internet, it’s not safe,
I’m done,
Smelborp for president,

Me, my back hurts so bad what the heck,
Also me,

You mad that i frick 20 times more girls than you,
20 times 0 equals 0,
He sank the boat he was working on just to kill the captain,

My mom was afraid that my dachshund was too easy to be spotted by owls in our backyard, so my grandma made her a sweater so that the dog would look like a piece of grass, i don’t even know how to respond to my family anymore,

sorry,
Only in canada, do the buses apologize for the accident,
Laughing so fricking hard cause this is here o m f g,
crying,

Me, daydreams about crush in a completely ridiculous scenario that will never happen,
Crush, says something in daydream,
Me, no wait they wouldn’t stay that, that’s unrealistic,
Me, i’m starting over,

Pretty sure our cat thinks the crib we put together was for him,
Thanks for the new bed guys,

This was on a bathroom stall, can’t stop laughing,
Scotty, don’t beam me up yet, i’m taking a sh,

By the way, a cautionary tale,
If you find a bunch of bones that are a, untouched and b, supernaturally clean, there is definitely a reason for both of those things,
Sometimes that reason is ants, sometimes those ants are fire ants, sometimes those fire ants have made a nest over the entire three meter area around those bones,
Sounds like someone had an adventure with fire ants,

To all the weird, shadowy, glitchy creatures moving in the corners of my vision lately, i consider you my friends so please stop hiding when i try to look at you,

Moms be like, call me if you need me, and then leave their phone on the other side of the house charging the entire day,

Steadies a man,
All of a man’s real power comes from steady nerves and a keen, clear brain,
Grape equals nuts,
I had to research corn flakes for my american icons class and i came across what may be the funniest fricking image i have ever seen,

Today is going to happen, are you,
Is this a threat,
Definitely a threat,

I am a bright and colorful pinata and god is a 13 year old birthday boy whose parents have just announced their divorce,
This reads like a john mulaney bit,
I am a bright and colorful pinata,
and god is a 13 year old birthday boy whose parents have just announced their divorce,

Decommissioned kids rides on a scrapyard, japan,
The council,

Getting real tired of waking up moodboard,

Target acquired,
Dumbas mode engaged,

Body type, weirdly buff beluga whale,
You’re snorkeling on vacation and this guy slaps your girl’s as, what do you do,
Attend her funeral,

Oh,

What if bigfoot is just someone’s fursona and they were just out hanging around their fursuit and someone caught them on tape and now they’re too embarrassed to come out about it,
The most awful thing about this post is just how fricking plausible it is,

Fricking pay us maybe,
Do millennials even eat food,
Contradictory studies claim they’re shopping for fewer groceries, but also dining out less,
This is such a weird way of phrasing millennials go hungry because of financial crisis we caused,
Why then do they not eat cake,

God left us long ago, but if you’re quiet,
If you press your ears up against the walls,
You can still hear him humming,
Hey guys what the frick is going on here,

When you hold your favorite rock,
Do you all know that otters hold their special rock under their armpits when not in use, and when in use they are used to open shells for food, their rock is so important to them that it’s passed on from generation to generation,
That really is his favorite rock,

That’s not a cursed image,
Frick pawns knights bishops and kings,
Rooks go hog wild,

Please enter your phone number,
I remember seeing that post about worst format for entering your phone number, this one is actually the worst,

Batman doesn’t use guns,
Do i look like batman, musty beach,
L m a o,

Whenever i use scissors i always have this brief thought of ohoho man imagine if i accidentally snipped off my nipple,
It would hurt a lot but i would grow back, nipples are one of the few parts of the body that entirely regenerate,
Unlimited nipples,
No do not try this at any cost,
Do not cut off your nipples they are in fact limited,
Limited nipples,