I'm writing before using. It really does bother me that i'm sitting here starting to write like this to you. You'll probably just view most things i say as attempts to lash out but that really is not my intent. When i write for people like this i just pour my true internal thoughts out into the pages. The reason i will not leave you a letter when i kill myself is not related to you not being "worthy" maria that is not how i view it. There are many people in my life that will not be left anything i do not make the decision of who or who not to write do based on any level of worth. There are people i have known for mere weeks that I've already written pages and pages for and people that have known me my entire life that will get nothing. It disturbs me very strongly that i am writing to you. Even now i'm seeing notifications from other people. People that are actually a part of my life yet i will ignore it to continue this. I want and did believe that i had managed to kill the part of me that latched onto you. That part was my survival instinct. When we met i was ready to die and my brain sort out anything to stop that. You became my world, my everything, my sole reason to wake up in the morning and go to sleep at night. I stayed alive and i found you and i would have done anything to keep that. I believe that feeling is now as dead as it ever will be but as much as i want it to it wont completely die. You mention insignificance and that is not true. During the time you were gone i met someone that was everything i wanted you to be. Effortlessly they were everything i needed and was looking for. They accepted me and i cared for them greatly. However it was still not enough. Not enough for me to latch onto again to give up the drugs and my death wish. Believe what you want and while i do think i never truly loved you there was obviously some connection and it was powerful enough for me to attach to it. Even now when i write this i wish so badly to remove the thought of you from my brain. I had many days where you didn't even cross my mind. Some of that may be partly due to the distractions of the outside world that i'm allowing myself to experience but even times alone and at home with nothing but heroin to keep me company i was still able to keep you out. The sick part of me still wants to try. To reason with you and use what i feel in order to save myself. To tell you that even though i didn't love you maybe i could. That even though you weren't and aren't the person i believed in that i could grow to love you. That the comfort you once found in me could still exist and flourish. It stems from the power you still have over me despite how hard i try and deny it. No matter how ready i will be on that night i stand on that cliff. Wait for the music to stop and jump i think i would still step back for you. I hate that. I hate that i know its true. I don't know why. Why couldn't i do that for Em. Would i stop using if that happened. I guess we will never know. When i look at the pictures of us it brings up so many different emotions but never anger. The person i was forced into becoming when we spent our time together was angry. Angry at everything and anything. At the very least I've managed to remove that part of myself. I don't know what i can say to you. Of course i look back on our time together fondly. I have memories so happy that i can't think about them without crying as knowing that its over destroys me still. You won't understand it but i just have so many things i need to do. My book of course is very important to me and so is meeting as many people as i possibly can. It may sound self obsessed or egotistical but from what I've been told and what i know. The state i am in currently which is hard for you to get a grasp on due to of course not being physically near me and not being able to view it with a clean slate. It touches people. It does it in a way that will help sometime in the future. That's the only good that i am able to do before i do now. Whether you believe the things i say to you or even take them into any level of consideration without brushing them off i don't know. I do think you are pretending Maria. I think in so many ways you deny yourself the true workings of your mind. The only way you will ever understand yourself properly is to let them in. Not in the way you do now. Writing doesn't help it something on a much deeper level. You have this image of yourself i can see you want to build and that is possible. You can be the person that you want just not the way your doing it. If you build and fight for the things you want in your life the way you are doing so now they will crumble. They will crumble just as we did. I can't write more as i'm not able to truly remove the shield i carry when speaking to you. Even when writing. I have to protect myself the little of me that is left. I am grateful to you for a great many things and resent many others. I will go with as much peace in our situation as ever will be possible.