ChayakiToday at 22:00
are you there

meowthaToday at 22:00
yaaa

ChayakiToday at 22:00
do you think im surface level or osmething

meowthaToday at 22:01
like how ur nicer to people u dont know that well
whereas ur more rough with those ur close with
i think ur the first one

ChayakiToday at 22:01
or are you used to me being mean and angry all the time

meowthaToday at 22:01
noNOOno

ChayakiToday at 22:01
do you think im being fake to ppl idk

meowthaToday at 22:01
im just not used to : A cover is a cover
Do your best or anything likethat

ChayakiToday at 22:02
why would I shit talk your hobby
it means something to you even if it's not perfect
nothing starts perfect
are you worried im fake to you

meowthaToday at 22:02
a bit
yea

ChayakiToday at 22:03
so you're walking on thin ice with me
you keep checking if i unfriend you yet
you avoid me when you see me angry
am i stressing you out a lot Syd
that's not healthy dude
to me it looks like even after we mended a lot you feel scarred
do I make you feel anxioius a lot
you don't have to answer me but i think it's important that as a friend it's not healthy to make you feel this way all the time

meowthaToday at 22:06
i wouldnt say anxious
im just not SUre
so i ask
i dont really wanna like
think and think without asking

ChayakiToday at 22:06
don't you do that though

meowthaToday at 22:07
ofc i do
but i ask when i can
i dont avoid u when ur angry

ChayakiToday at 22:07
do you know what is going on with my mind these days

meowthaToday at 22:07
jobs?
games?
server?

ChayakiToday at 22:07
is that a question

meowthaToday at 22:07
no
i dont

ChayakiToday at 22:07
take it easy
dont' get too nervous

meowthaToday at 22:08
butbutubtu

ChayakiToday at 22:08
stop
i stopped dropping elena after the 3rd time
you're in my comfort zone now
you're gonna do bad things if you think too much

meowthaToday at 22:09
u
care a lot
but u used to
be numb
so i question that
why

ChayakiToday at 22:09
can you rephrase that i dont understand

meowthaToday at 22:09
last year
this year
u were numb i suppose
i think u cared a lot
but just didnt show it bc of how it sometimes backfired
but now
u seem to care a lot
and i also see that kindness with new members and acquaintances
thats why i found it questionable, whether we werent good friends, acquainted closely, or whether u just became the type to show consideration mORE than u used to

ChayakiToday at 22:12
how long was that on your fucking mind

meowthaToday at 22:12
im not too sure

ChayakiToday at 22:13
you're not helping yourself if you don't tell me right away if you don't feel comfortable
you'll get hurt by me
and i won't even know it

meowthaToday at 22:13
thats not u hurting me

ChayakiToday at 22:13
maybe not hurt maybe just stress but you will go through shit

meowthaToday at 22:13
thats me hurtingmyself through u

ChayakiToday at 22:13
that's not healthy

meowthaToday at 22:13
but

ChayakiToday at 22:13
no

meowthaToday at 22:13
i dontthink
i did it to that extent

ChayakiToday at 22:14
idk how your parents treat you but you bring the problem asap
idc
idc if it comes out of nowhere
and timing is "wrong"
sensitive topics will always feel unnatural
it can be very very scary to tell me your thoughts if you feel doubt about me
but its' not as if
im not gonna forget how much i hurt you a couple months ago
besides
if you doubt me in your head
chances are i doubt myself as much in my room alone
the only difference is you dont have to stress

meowthaToday at 22:15
most of the time i cant even word what i want to say

ChayakiToday at 22:16
you don't have to
you can't word your shit NOW
im not mad at you over that
im more worried that you don't talk to me than having trouble wording things
you should know by now even since day 1 i never made fun of your lisps
i never became impatient over you not finding the right words
I MYSELF can't find the right words irl
im the hardest person to talk to irl

meowthaToday at 22:17
irl
i am abrupt

ChayakiToday at 22:17
but i am giving you a hard time now because you give yourself a hard time by not talking to me
getting doubts like wondering if im even a real friend to you
faking things to you
im not offended by that btw
but you're hurting yourself through me if that helps your case
either way i am causing you trouble without even knowing it
that is not being a good friend on my part

meowthaToday at 22:18
frick
i just
think about it
then if it gets to the point where it stresses me out
ill talk to u

ChayakiToday at 22:18
how often do we talk now because of that
or ever since that time i dropped you "for good"

meowthaToday at 22:19
ur the only person i have reconciled with
im not sure how togo about most things
which is why i do think

ChayakiToday at 22:20
you don't
need to know
how to do things
just doing it is enough especially for someone who cares about you
if SOMEONE can't even fucking deal with how you can't word things how the hell can he deal with criticisms that DO go through
the person probably doesn't even want to hear about it
what did your thinking tell you honestly

meowthaToday at 22:21
u dont talk to him

ChayakiToday at 22:21
nothing, it just gave you multiple thoughts "is he faking it" "is he surface level" etc

meowthaToday at 22:21
what is there to talk about
u probably arejust
surface level friends
how could two people be good friends with the amount of conversing you two have

ChayakiToday at 22:23
who are you referring to
tbh

meowthaToday at 22:23
us

ChayakiToday at 22:23
i can only tell you that i don't want to be the kind of friend you don't feel comfortable not bringing issues with, to me that is like a daughter not being able to bring her issues to her father without getting yelled at

meowthaToday at 22:24
i want to find reasons

ChayakiToday at 22:24
i have 0 control over how often you doubt if my kindness or genuine actions
there is no reason meowtha if you try to find reason to everything you're gonna walk straight into a wall and it will frustrate you

meowthaToday at 22:24
but i always deem them to be excuses

ChayakiToday at 22:24
i can't tell you why i am the way i am today
i'm not exactly the kind of person that has direction
all i can tell you for SURE is
i change all the time
whatever you see last year is not the same as this year and whatever you see this year won't be the same as next year

meowthaToday at 22:25
like"oh, im used to not talking to my parents because they;ll always end up blaming me and telling me its my fault; hence my lack of communication"

ChayakiToday at 22:25
i hate being complacent and comfortable

meowthaToday at 22:25
i would deem that

ChayakiToday at 22:25
i really hate it when things feel stale and don't progress

meowthaToday at 22:25
to be an excuse

ChayakiToday at 22:25
taht is my core
that is why I want Lucki demodded
the piece of shit does nothing more than bump
that's his gold card to being a GM with no events no nothing

meowthaToday at 22:26
he would still be mod right
compared to others
he's active in chat at times, more than me for sure
he bumps, i dont
i rarely do events, so i need to fix that

ChayakiToday at 22:27
an assistant
but GM
get the fuck out n

meowthaToday at 22:28
i see

ChayakiToday at 22:37
Are you relieved now

meowthaToday at 22:39
quite

ChayakiToday at 22:41
Do you want me to be more direct with your questions

meowthaToday at 22:41
whatever explains more
whatevers longer
it helps me understnad

ChayakiToday at 22:41
Longer doesn't mean better
1-I'm not being surface level with you
My relationiships are opposite of the usual
In the beguining it is a nightmare to be close to me
The payoff is that once you stay with me I will always love and cherish you
Those are strong words, love and cherish
But you experienced first hand how difficult it is to be with me
You can imagine why I am single despite meeting some interesting women here and there
2-I can only bare scars from highschool for so long until I grow as a person and overcome things that happened in the past no matter how horrible it was
3-I prioratize new people on the server more than usual people because I know how fucking hard it is to join a new server and be a part of it
Back when things were so painful for me to bare I created a lie, I lied to myself many times telling myself if I can feel nothing with people I love leave, I can never be hurt again
I lied to myself until it became true and it did
Now I am lying to people by being more kind than how I usually am
My hope is that I can lie to people until it becomes true for me to care for others naturally
Just like how much I hurt you already, I can't errase what happened but because of that, I can now be kind to anyone without feeling too much pain if they hurt me
Is that long enough for you

meowthaToday at 22:45
perfec
t
i udnerstnad

ChayakiToday at 22:46
Short answer is: I was already at the bottom and things can only go up from here
meowtha pinned a message to this channel. See all the pins.Today at 22:46

ChayakiToday at 22:46
Okay
You probably won't listen because it's your personality and that's okay
But stop thinking and talk to me even if it comes out like shit
Our conversation to me wasn't perfect, you been having trouble wording things but it paid off
Imagine if we didn't have this conversation today and you still wondered what I was doing
You making these events and the events coming out not as high as I expected is much much much
much better than Lucki