The Scarecrow

The Scarecrow
Story by The Candy Witch
Racoons by St. Arkham
Narrated by Bruce Campbell

Bruce Campbell sits in a rocking chair on his front porch smoking a pipe) Boy howdy I tell you; I have seen some weird sh1t in my day. The Harvey Weinstein of trees, I have seen that and that was fuc|<ed up, maniacal laughing deer head, I have seen that too. During Comic Con 92, Sigourney Weaver and I did shrooms with Bigfoot and he asked me to sign his ass afterwards. You’d think since he’s a biped he’d have a human ass, but no! I signed a big blue monkey ass! But I am telling you right now, nothing and I mean nothing compared to October 30, 2021, when that little racoon ran amok, driving through the town in that go kart, knocking over trash cans, flying through the air over the town and partying with the Candy Witch and all manner of things that go bump in the night, and it all started with the scarecrow.

One day while returning from an assignment, Arkham noticed a cardboard box outside of a closed dollar tree, with a sign that said “Free” hanging off it. The box had a logo on it that read “Shady Jim’s discount exports.” Inside there were assorted Halloween items of dubious quality, but one among them stood out, “Authentic Candy Witch Scarecrow, age 5-15”. The scarecrow seemed to be giving off a faint anima charge, as if it were waiting for something to activate it. Arkham lifted the box under his arm and brought it home, handing the dubious Halloween items to his pets and taking the scarecrow and putting it smack dab in the middle of his herb garden. As he left, Snatchy scampered up beside the scarecrow while eating a tomato from the garden, “Ooooh a crowscare” he said as he swallowed the tomato. The longer Snatchy looked at the scarecrow, the more it became apparent that the scarecrow was friend shaped. Not seeing any crows around, Snatchy took the scarecrow with him to forage.

Snatchy wandered around with the scarecrow using it to boost himself onto high branches to snatch fruit. Snatchy spent the entire day with his new friend, using him to climb up trees and reach the highest branches, as well as the highest dumpsters. He also quickly realized his new friend was as hard as a rock and perfect for throwing at things. Snatchy used the scarecrow to scare several other racoons out of a dumpster used by the local food trucks. After a full day and full stomach, he returned home as the sun set on the horizon, Snatchy then curled up and noded off to sleep with his new scarecrow friend.

As the clock struck 10:00pm, a sparkling orange light engulfed the scarecrow, as it began to move. Sitting up, the little scarecrow clutched it's head as if it had a headache, before turning to the door. Waddling over to the door, the scarecrow began to jump trying to reach the door knob. Snatchy awoke and looked at the tinney scarecrow trying to open the door, he then pointed at the pet door on the bottom of the door “We use that” he said. The little scarecrow looked at the pet door puzzled, before bolting through it. On the other side Snatchy could hear the sounds of a trash can tipping over and someone rummaging through its contents. The raccoon sort of fat boy shuffled outside and trundled over to the trash.

Outside Snatchy found the Scarecrow picking through garbage, first picking up a pack of expired popcorn and letting a portal that appeared in front of it's face suck it up. It then turned to a not quite empty bottle of chocolate syrup and let that disappear into the portal too, before sticking it's head in an empty carton of ice cream and turning it inside out as it disappeared into the portal. It then turned to Snatchy and gestured to the bounty before them. Snatchy shuffled over and begin to root through the trash with the scarecrow bemused.

After having emptied the trash of anything sweet, the scarecrow pushed over another can and repeated the process for 3 houses before finding a broken hockey stick. The scarecrow then looked at the hockey stick and then back at Snatchy, before looking over to a go kart in the neighbors driveway. Giving the stick to Snatchy, the scarecrow made his way over to the go kart and hopped in the driver's seat, a twinkling orange light descending around the rusted engine causing it to start. The scarecrow motioned for Snatchy to join it in the passenger seat. Snatchy leapt into the go kart and hefted the stick in his hand and shoveled junk food into his mouth with the other.

As the go-kart sped down the street, the hockey stick caught a trash can on the sidewalk, knocking it over and spraying the contents all over the street,  a pizza box disappearing into the scarecrows portal as a half eaten roast chicken landed in Snatchys lap. Another trash can quickly came into view as Snatchy lifted the hockey stick and swung it into the trash can with a loud thump. The trash can exploded in a shower of debris that was quickly swallowed by the scarecrows' portal. Down the street and through the town, they drove hitting every trashcan they saw, and in one case a man who looked like Bruce Campbell (though Snatchy insisted it was an accident.) After having covered the town in trash, they drove home, 4 melted pints of ice cream, 2 half eaten roast chickens, and a box of stale doughnuts, all sitting in his lap as they pulled into the driveway. Snatchy, the black hole of fatty junk food with his tummy swelling, opened the box of donuts resting on his stomach.

The little scarecrow tumbled out of the go kart and looked up at the moon before looking back at Snatchy, the little scarecrow then extended his hand towards Snatchy, who took the scarecrow's hand trustingly. When Snatchy took the scarecrow's hand, it began running towards the moon, seeming to rise up off the ground with each step, until finally Snatchy found himself flying through the air, the roads beneath them turning to lines as they turned back towards the town. Flying over buildings and homes they made another pass through the town knocking over a few compost bins that they missed before flying away from the town. In the air they were joined by a dozen other scarecrows all flying towards the same mysterious location, witches flanking them on either side. As Snatchy flew through the air, he shimmied his chubby little legs to help, Marveling at the lights below.

The scarecrow landed at the edge of a forest and led Snatchy into the woods, after walking for about 5 minutes they came to a clearing in the woods. Gathered there were tinny scarecrows from all over the world, monsters of every shape and size and at the center of it all was the Candy Witch. Snatchy let out a little gasp as he put his chubby hands together in joy and wiggled forward. The Candy Witch embraced Snatchy before handing him a cupcake and motioned to a crowd of scarecrows, who then began to play music. More candy was passed out as the creatures of the night began to dance. The Candy Witch dipped an enormous spoon into the cauldron hanging over the fire and pulled out yet more candy and threw it to the cheering crowd. The little scarecrow then took Snatchy's hand and began to dance as the crowd cheered. Snatchy began to eat his cupcake and did it with gusto, gobbling it down and then taking the scarecrow's hand and beginning to dance kicking his tiny chubby legs.

As Snatchy and the scarecrow danced and monsters mingled, they saw a gathering near a pack of pumpkins. Making their way over they watched as a pair of eyes opened on one of the pumpkins and a mouth filled with human teeth began to open as the body of a child rose out of the ground with a cry. The gathered crowd began to cheer and applaud as the strange pumpkin child pulled on a pair of orange pajamas and a burlap sack mask. Looking over from the group, Snatchy saw the Candy Witch beckoning him over. Snatchy hopped over to her chomping on the remains of a caramel apple with glee.

As Snatchy approached the Candy Witch, she began rummaging through her bag until she pulled a Halloween themed Propeller beanie out of her bag, handing it to Snatchy, she heard a chime coming from her pocket. Pulling out her phone, she looked at the screen and exclaimed “Sh1t! I am going to be late for work.” She then threw her bag over her shoulder, mounted her broom, and flew off into the night. The scarecrows continued to play their music as they began flying home, the monsters departed into the woods, the strange pumpkin child waved goodbye to Snatchy before disappearing into the mist. The scarecrow then took Snatchy's hand and led him back into the sky flying back over the towns they had passed on the way before landing back at Arkhams home around 11:57pm. Snatchy waved to Sam and then looked with amazement at all the light and towns and gently touched his feet in country grass in the Midwest October.

The Scarecrow began waddling back to the house with Snatchy as the clock struck midnight, Halloween had officially arrived. The scarecrow fell to its knees and began clawing at his face as its head began to expand. The sound of popping corn kernels echoed through the night as the scarecrow's head swelled to the size of a large garbage bag before exploding in a shower of several different kinds of popcorn. The body of the scarecrow then collapsed leaving behind a large burlap sack of popcorn and the rest of Halloween.

Snatchy looked around and gathered up the popcorn and invited Renfield the possum and other animals from out of the dark to eat. He then picked up the ripped burlap and put it back on the scarecrow's body before taking it back to the garden and setting it up after fixing it the best he could. He then patted it, “there there buddy” he says as the munching of the night foragers echoed through the night.

(Bruce Campbell sits in a rocking chair on his front porch smoking a pipe) And that is the story of the scarecrow, weirdest damn thing I ever saw. Wholesome as fuc|<, but still the weirdest damn thing. Now you may be asking yourself where was Spitbite during this story? Well turns out his dealer cut his nip with a little something extra and he was tripping balls most of the night. And the Scarecrow? Well Candy Witch scarecrows only live as long as they haven't performed their "trick", once they have done that, they turn into a treat, but if you keep the body, they can be brought back to life (if you got the know how), and that particular scarecrow is still up in Arkhams garden to this day. It wouldn't be the last adventure those two had either, but that's a story for another day. Now if you go back inside and get me a bourbon, I'll tell you about how one angry rooster called BB, started the great capital fire of 2022, brought down the Trump organization, and in the process saved Christmas.