something to think about

Over the past few months, I haven’t been acting like myself.  I’ve been pushing away from people I care about, alienating myself, and causing pain and damage to friends around me.  I’d like to apologize to everyone who I’ve scared with my previous comments about doxxingtheir info from a shipping address list that I had as part of some of my previous responsibility.  I understand how dangerous I must seem to people looking in, and especially those who could be affected by the actions I threatened to commit, but I want you to understand the context of the recently leaked screencaps of a private discord conversation.  If you’ve ever been driven to such levels of stress and anger with no outlet, you would recognize a need to blow up.  To vent.  A cathartic release sometimes taking the form of an empty threat.  It was this empty threat, made in the company of someone who I thought I could confide in or vent to with no consequences, that you would have read on twitter.  I’m disappointed in the outcome of that conversation, but I understand their pain and fear, as they’re the person that empty threat would have affected if that threat were full.  I don’t know how much my word means to everyone out there anymore, but I want you to know I’ve deleted the names, addresses, and the other personal information the list contains and wiped the recovery files from my computer.  There will not be any doxxing and there was never meant to be any.  I’m sorry for the chaos that I’ve caused as well as the anguish that people have felt because of my actions.

I understand how it might be difficult to forgive me, and I wouldn’t blame you if you could not.  But if you’d allow me to explain how I’ve gotten to this point.  In December 2020, I got into a relationship with a fellow streamer, another vtuber.  We did what online couples do, and she would use her model for those purposes.  There’s nothing wrong with that, but it’s important for you to know this for later details to make sense.  Every bit of her was reflected through her model for me.  Whether it was personal or otherwise.  That was her.  So when one of her moderation team members began getting too close, I piped up with how it made me uncomfortable.  It didn’t phase her, but it stuck with me and bothered me.  The particular person was known for having an NTR fetish (which I won’t explain here) and when I started receiving Not-Safe-For-Work art pieces of different characters doing sexual acts with my now exgirlfriend, and it disgusted me.  The harassment not only made me feel small, helpless and angry, but also made me remember that moderator and how he behaved with my at-the-time girlfriend.  This harassment started just over a month after the end of our relationship and continued for months into the new year.  The sort of anger and helplessness that this behavior caused in me led to the bastard behavior a lot of my friends, both current and former, have seen.  Especially a certain former-robot gone bunnyboy, you know who you are and I’m sorry for the shit I’ve put you through.  These terrible feelings built up inside me over months before eventually leading to some very poor decision making, especially in the form of the conversation that prompted this letter.

	Since the end of the relationship and the toxic consequences of the harassment I have been actively seeing a professional for help with my mental health.  Though don’t expect all of you to forgive me, I hope that you’ll try and understand where I’ve been coming from and why events have played out like they have.  It isn’t right what I’ve said and done, but it has been done and I hope you’ll find it in your hearts to forgive me.