Belgium votes to join United Kingdom
June 23, 2016 - Ralph Reiland
BRUSSELS—Struggling to contain tensions on a day of unprecedented terror threats, the European Union announced this afternoon that Belgium has voted to join the United Kingdom to form a single, independent state called “the United Kingdom of Belgium.”

Shortly after the election results became clear, senior EU diplomats made it clear that a formal petition to expand Brussels’ borders and join up with London was now well under way. In an effort to ease concerns among anxious Brussels residents about where a post-Brexit world might go, Brussels Mayor Hervé Queveblanc said he had already readied a post-Brexit Belgian slogan that residents could rally around. “Just like you do in England, now you do in Brussels,” said the mayor, who appeared to reference God Save the Queen in an attempt to spur Belgium’s referendum turnout. “All my Belgians here want us to be more united than before. Yes, that’s right, much like those Brits.”

Later, Prime Minister Charles Michel attempted to calm fears among federal leaders who worry that a shaky economy could plunge Belgium back into turmoil. “All Belgians, like everyone else, love Belgium, we have always been together,” said Michel, echoing statements made by the majority of residents in Brussels to reporters outside the capital during an impromptu press conference. “This isn’t us, this is what we’ve always been. The sooner you accept this will be our future, the better it will be for all of us.”

Shortly after the press conference ended, Xander “Sandy” Vaxevanis, the Eurosceptic party member of Parliament who had sparked much concern last month by noting that Brussels’ bureaucracy was “the Bologna of Europe,” paid a last-minute visit to the capital. Upon seeing Vaxevanis and concluding that Belgian’s were more united than in his previous remarks, those inside the EU made an effort to explain to the outspoken member of the European Parliament that Brussels truly was a nation.

“See you on June 25!” said Cyril Lampley, a commission member of the Brussels regional government. “Remember that.”