/dadg/ Hamlet snippets

Names:
Junia - vestal
Reynauld - crusader
Dismas - highwayman
Boudica - hellion
Tardif - bounty hunter
Audrey - grave robber
Alhazred - occultist
Sarmenti - jester
Baldwin - leper
Barristan - man-at-arms
Missandei - arbalest
William - houndmaster
Bigby - abomination
Josephine - antiquarian
Amani - shieldbreaker

A bunch of snippets of the Hamlet's life, written by some kind writefag.
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>"Dismas, what the hell are you doing up there?"
>"Oh, hello, Heir. Just doing some light construction, you know how it is."
>"No, I don't. And does this 'light construction' have anything to do with Audrey asking for about fifty Portraits, or Tardif nearly blowing himself up trying to brew alcohol?"
>"Yes, but it's not our fault. That Tavern, they didn't want to hear a word in our defense. First they tell me I can't finish customer's drinks when left on the bar, then someone accuses me of cheating because I had a lucky streak, then I got a little emotional when this one wench looked a bit like my late wife, and now I'm to be shot on sight."

>"Dismas, Tardif. I think it's for the best we all confess."
>"Confess? Confess what?"
>"We're all cheating. I'm marking cards, you're holding a pistol to Tardif's testicles, and he's dealing from the bottom of the deck."
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Altar of Light
>"Reynauld, where did you get the money to build this."
>"It was a joint effort between the good Abbot, the funds that Junia, Damian, and myself have collected during out time here, and a number of anonymous benefactors who wish to see the word of the Light spread."
>"Right, and would these 'anonymous benefactors' happen to also be the people who have been reporting extensive thievery as of recent?"
>"Nooooo...."
>"Reynauld, give them back their money by the end of the month, or you're fired."
>"I HAVE ALREADY CLAIMED THE VICTORY FOR THE CHURCH!"
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Outsider's Bonfire
>"Bigby, Baldwin. Stop fighting. We're sitting together like a damned family of outsiders, and enjoying this pig I, erm, 'borrowed.'"
>"Baldwin doesn't want to sit next to me, though. He says I'm an Abomination."
>"You are, Bigby, but Baldwin, I'm sick of the fighting. You're both up at the front, both diseased in your own right, both horrifying in appearance-"
>"Thanks, Boudica. Thank you for pointing out my leprosy."
>"-and your names both start with 'B.'"
>"Wait a minute, you know that? You know the alphabet? I knew you couldn't even read, but this is a big first step."
>"Bigby, next time you transform, I'm skinning you for your pelt."
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Performance Hall
"Sarmenti, you went to all the effort of building this place. Why not let others see it? Why just sit behind the curtains and playing that lute deliberately off-tune?"
>"I carry them every quest, I won't also carry a tune for them."
>"Maybe if you had some help? Perhaps from Amani? She was a dancer, after all."
>"Last time I performed with a dancer, she was paid her weight in gold, lavish jewels, and the old tyrant's penis. I was hanged by my ankles to a chandelier while the crowd threw all manner of things at me."
>"Do you think anyone around here has enough money to own such a thing?"
>"Yes, Reynauld. Even if that sticky-fingered clanking suit of armor didn't lift one from the Ruins, I'm not taking chances.."
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 ...with the building inspector, I'll say that every time, they agree to shut the place down if he can win a game of cards, and he loses every time. He should be winning, but he always loses.
And it's Audrey that does the artist square. Being a proper lady, she won't resign herself to such brutish work as lifting the wood. Sometimes, she'll lay across one akin to a pinup girl while Dismas and Tardif are hauling it. She did do all the interior decorating, though.
>"If this place is really going to take off the ground beyond our secret clubhouse, we'll need some ladies."
>"You mean, have both men and women here?"
>"Tardif, you dumbass, I mean we need some working girls, maybe ones that got sick of all the silly rules and regulations at the Brothel."
>"I know what you mean, still can't believe they banned me for pulling out a Flashbang when I was with those two broads. I was trying to spice it up."
>"I know, but stay focused. Who do we know that wouldn't mind getting familiar with strange men for quick Gold?"
*both slowly turn toward Audrey, who at that time made the mistake of bending over*
>"Don't even think about it, you two. The only reason I was with my late husband was for his money. Robbed his grave before he was cold in it."
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Red Hook
>"Heir, we need to talk."
>"What? Talk about what, William? And haven't you heard of knocking?"
>"Don't believe in it, you should have been expecting this after your little stunt."
>"I'm sorry, but what stunt?"
>"That grotesque thing you erected at the center of town? That giant red tentacle?"
>"Oh, yes, that! The Red Hook, it's called, thought by my Ancestor to give good luck."
>"Yes, and your Ancestor likewise thought that satanic arcane rituals could also give good luck. And is directly responsible for all the misery we've endured."
>"Aren't you being harsh?"
>"No. And my major concern is that by my calculations, you spent fifty thousand pieces of Gold, Gold we collected for you, on that hideous thing. And also wasted seven hundred fifty fragments of your family Crest on that, where we could have spent those same resources for those mapmakers-"
>"Who I am considering useless until we fetch all the relics from those Shambler-things."
>"-and the Training Ring Amani, Barristan, Missandei, and I desperately need-"
>"All your training can be done at the Guild without issue."
>"-or even the Puppet Theater, just to take our mind off things."
>"We both know Sarmenti would burn it down because of the newfound competition."
"My point is, you gave Sarmenti the resources he needed for a stage he keeps to himself-"
>"I was fearing for my life."
>"-and spent an absurd amount on a Bonfire with a spitroast for the local oddballs."
>"Boudica and I have a, well, 'understanding.'"
>"Yes, you and Junia both. 'Virgin,' my foot."
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Sanguine Vintners
>"And who are all of you, exactly?"
>"Us? We're just here to make the Blood more available to those who need it."
>"Yes, about that, can you prove to me you aren't members of the Court?"
>"No, but I can assure you we are not."
>"I see, and how do you feel about this small jar of Mercury?"
>"GET THAT SHIT OUT OF HERE."

>"Part of my concern is that you're going to get people around here hooked on the Blood."
>"That's foolish! The Blood is entirely non-habit forming to anyone who is not under the effects of the Curse!"
>"And how exactly do you explain everyone around here chugging down bottles of a suspicious red liquid that smells of blood like their lives depend on it?"
>"Don't look at us, look at that bird doctor."
>"Paracelsus? What about her?"
>"She brought back one of those little goblets those skeletons use, they must be drinking freely."

>"I hope you realize that operating here puts the entire town at risk, beyond their cravings and addictions."
>"Ludicrous. What could possibly happen?"
>"Well, we've been preparing for an invasion of Brigand soldiers, led by a man named Vvulf, who seems rather keen on destroying as much of the town as possible."
>"And what does that have to do with us?"
>"They were found smashed to pieces. Those who weren't were found tied to stakes and set alight. A sole survivor told us it was one man, screaming about heretics and the Blood."
>"Such a strange fellow, I should hope he finds his way into the actual Courtyard, where the real members of the Court are residing."
>"Yes, on that subject, what do you think of this tiny mirror?"
>"Mirror? What? Sorry, but I felt rather dizzy for a second."
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>"It's amazing. Beautiful, really. We finally have a place to ourselves where we can properly train."
>"It's thanks to you, William. How did you do it?"
>"Same way I got the things I wanted in my days as a lawman; threats of violence and a few vials of dog urine."

>"Amani, we all appreciate having you here, but we aren't entirely sure that you're meant for the Ring."
>"Is this because I'm Arabic?"
>"What? No, no, you have much more experience as a dancer than a fighter, maybe the Performance Hall would suit you better. Sarmenti can be a little...odd...but I'm sure he'd be fine with you."
>"Don't be optimistic, Barristan, he threatened to beat me with his lute when I came too close to it."
>"Well, William, maybe you shouldn't have let Fergus chase a rabbit underneath it."
>"I was hungry for rabbit! What can I say?"
>"Barristan, maybe once you see my ability, you'd be willing to let me stay here, for my safety, and so Sarmenti doesn't develop bloodlust again."
*Barristan and Amani move out of view*
>"She stays."
>"What? You were the one who suggested-"
>"She. Stays."
>"What did you do to the old man?"
>"I showed him my abilities. But I didn't say which ones."
>"Wait, did you-"
>"Spear, you imbecile. Spear and armor piercing. Don't want you also thrown out of the Brothel."
>"Too late. I refused to leave Fergus outside, then some girl's 'allergies' started acting up, and now I'm on the hit list."
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>"Paracelsus, I have a question."
>"Katharine, if the eyes in your head are functioning properly, you could see that I'm rather busy with this leech."
>"It looks like you're trying to convince it to jump through a tiny hoop."
>"Like I said, busy."
>"Anyway, I've been reviewing your end of the budget for this month, and I have some concerns."
>"Concerns like what?"
>"You spent more on leeches this month than it cost to construct this building."
>"And why is that of your concern?"
>"I'm the one handling the money for us, and what's the Heir going to say if I tell him, 'Oh, the reason we need a boatload of Gold is because we literally cannot stop spending it on leeches?'"
>"He'll tell you to buy me more leeches?"
>"No more leeches. You have enough to suck the town dry, work with what you have?"
>"And how am I supposed to successfully run Paracelsus' Circus of Flying Leeches if you so steadfastly stand in the way of progress?"

>"Alhazred, could I speak with you about your summonings?"
>"I suppose. What do you need?"
>"I just have a concern with the summoning that you've been performing, as the past several have taken rather large chunks out of the roof, chunks we need to replace."
>"Don't think of it like that, think of it as letting some air into this stuffy building, and making our stargazing all the easier."
>"I'd like to, if it meant that the rain hadn't destroyed my stockpiles of antiques."
>"This sounds like a 'you' problem."

>"Explain this to me, how exactly did the three of you manage to build this place? None of you are exactly skilled laborers, you all frankly lack the muscle, and you seemed rather sure that no one help you with it."
>"Do you recall that time a few weeks ago where a giant red tentacle descended from a stormy sky directly above the Hamlet?"
>"Yes, it sent everyone into a frenzied panic, and the town was nearly destroyed for the ninth time that week. What about it?"
>"I contacted a few eldritch beings that owed me some favors."