The Worst 50 States according to Gawker

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50. New York

Oops! So much for being unbiased. Most of us at Gawker do, yes, live in this state. But that doesn't mean that it should be immediately excluded from being named America's least-worst state. It's pretty great!

The Good: New York recently decided to jump on the glittery gay bandwagon and pass same sex marriage laws, putting it into a (dismayingly) small club of American states. Other than that, New York has the global cultural center that is Rochester New York City, there are lovely places like the Adirondacks and the Catskills that make for good vacationing and settings for movies about sexy dancing, and if you drive from one end of the state to another you can go from the Great Lakes to the Atlantic Ocean. New York has it all!

The Bad: Remember when a bunch of greedy New Yorkers ruined the economy of the Western world? Oops. And New York City and its immediate environs are quickly being overtaken by a bunch of so-called hipsters who are really just bourgeoisie yuppies in training. There's an Ivy League death trap up in the Finger Lakes. And the less said about Buffalo and the North Country the better.

Final Score: 8.39

49. Massachusetts

Small and stony land of liberalism, Massachusetts has a reputation for free-thinking intellectual types who vote left and think even lefter. Wicked pissah!

The Good: As evidence of said liberalism, the Bay State was the first to legalize same-sex marriage, all the way back in 2004. And sports: the Red Sox are second in their division right now, the Bruins won the Stanley Cup (and caused destruction to our most hated enemy, Canada), the Celtics made the playoffs, and the Patriots only lost two games last season. Capital city Boston is full of smart people and colleges and universities, Cape Cod and the islands and the Berkshires are iconic vacation havens, and the furniture stores are also amusement parks.

The Bad: Boston, while certainly a Volvo-driving leftie mecca, is also notoriously racially segregated and class divided. And then have you ever driven 45 minutes outside of the city? Or been to Fall River or New Bedford or any of the mill towns out west that time has forgotten? Yikes. And back to those sports, Massachusetts fans are notoriously The Worst and you could probably have a nice baseball team too if you pumped millions and millions of dollars into it. Oh and bars close at 2am.

Final Score: 8.04

48. Hawaii

America's honeymoon resort, the islands of Hawaii are both celebrated and forgotten, the perfect place to disappear for a week or for the rest of your life.

The Good: It's Hawaii! Beaches and mountains and lava. Lots and lots of lava. Plus it's so far away that the rest of this godforsaken nation doesn't pay much attention to it, so it could be a good place to lay low for a spell while the heat dies down.

The Bad: Because the state is just a bunch of islands in the middle of the Pacific Ocean, the cost of living is pretty damn high. It's a good place to stage a decades-long conspiracy to put a foreign-born national in the White House. If you want to live there you have to deal with awful tourists all the time, or you have to live way far out in a volcano or something. The whole thing will probably be wiped out by a giant tsunami one day. Most importantly, it's overrun with terrible chickens.

Final Score: 7.71

47. Vermont

The Green Mountain State is a bastion of backwoods free-thinking and ice cream manufacturing, though dark forces may be lurking in its hills.

The Good: The perpetually two credits shy, Birkenstock-wearing member of the New England family, Vermont is a refuge for old hippies who just want to get away from it all. And that's kind of fun! They make good cheese there and most people seem nice. Burlington is a pretty chill town. The whole state's real pretty, with its mountains and white churches and all that. Just a pleasant place to be. Except in winter.

The Bad: If you're looking for diversity, Vermont, which is about 98% white, isn't exactly the place for you. There are basically no gun laws, so even that guy with the ponytail and the beat-up old Subaru could be packing heat. In fact, there are definitely some real wackos lurking in the state's shadowy valleys and snow-blasted mountaintops. Vermont can also be very, very cold! Just very, very cold. And snowy. If you don't like skiing to work, look to settle elsewhere.

Final Score: 7.62

46. California

Home to roughly 12% of the nation's people, California is by far our most populous state. With that comes many good things. And also lots of bad.

The Good: California is big and beautiful and varied. You can be at the beach, in the mountains, and in the desert on the same day. Along the coast, the weather is pretty livable most of the time. As states go, Cali is pretty progressive on the politics front, though mostly in Los Angeles and the Bay Area. Really, though, the main reason to love California is that you can get as stoned as you want on premium kine bud totally legally, as long as you have a doctor's note.

The Bad: The state starts to look slightly less than progressive when you consider Proposition 8, the Governator, the existence of San Diego and Orange County, and this whole disaster. Plus there's the aforementioned city of Los Angeles, a wasted hellscape of strip malls and strippers and people desperate to be in "the industry." Oh, and, well, the entire state is broke and their public school system is "broken" and nobody has a house there anymore.

Final Score: 7.29

45. Minnesota

The land o' lakes sometimes appears to be about as perfect a slice of Americana as can be. But of course Americana is often a scary, terrible thing.

The Good: The Twin Cities area tends to be a pragmatically progressive, pleasant place to live. There's lots of good cultural stuff like theater and all that. Outside of Minneapolis/St. Paul, there is lots of picturesque, Scandinavian-tilled farmland dotted with lakes. That landscape is also, at one point anyway, dotted with the Mall of America, an enormous shopping complex complete with indoor Nickelodeon theme park. If that's too crassly commercial for you, down the road a bit is the (disputed) world's largest ball of twine. Oh, and one of Minnesota's senators is Stuart Smalley! The best thing about Minnesota, though? Fried food.

The Bad: Uh, well, the government shut down. Also, Michele Bachmann. The conservative movement is only growing in Minnesota, and though it seems like a gently folksy kinda place, it's not always so pleasant. But really the main way that Minnesota is shitty? It's cold.

Final Score: 7.11

44. Washington

Home of coffee and rain, Washington State is one of America's best places to brood.

The Good: There are pretty things to look at! There's the Puget Sound, Olympic and Cascades National Parks, the weird deserts of the eastern part of the state, the San Juan islands, and snow-capped Mt. Rainier. Seattle is also a fairly cosmopolitan city, home to Frasier and a(n admittedly dwindling) music scene. Washington is home to Microsoft and Amazon, useful if not entirely unevil corporations. Most importantly, of course, Washington is home to Bella Swann and the Twilight vampadventures, the most romantic story ever created by humans.

The Bad: Starbucks launched its great global coffee takeover from Washington. Seattle has been scientifically proven to be one of America's most annoying cities. It rains all the time. Spokane is a weird place. Did we mention it rains all the time? It rains all the time. And, again, it should be reiterated that Seattle is a very annoying place.

Final Score: 7.05

43. Oregon

Washington's neighbor to the south, Oregon is a place you'll want to, uh, make a trail to.

The Good: Portland is a great city. Full of artists and thinkers and other weirdos — it's the verdant farmers market of your dreams, an easy-to-live-in medium-sized city where the dream of the '90s is still alive. There are also other great towns in Oregon like Ashland (home to the word-renowned Oregon Shakespeare Festival), hippie-filled Eugene, and the hilariously named Coos Bay. Ramona Quimby is from Oregon, which is also pretty significant. Plus there's lots of pretty Pacific Northwest nature-type places, from Mt. Hood to sprawling national forests.

The Bad: Like Washington, it rains a lot. Hippies can get kind of annoying, as can farmers markets. And those pretty Pacific Northwest nature-type places? They can get kind of creepy if you get turned around on their dark and winding back roads. There's a huge earthquake coming any day now. Also, once you leave Oregon you have to drive a whole hell of a long way until you get anywhere else, unless of course you drive north to Seattle, but who would want to do that?

Final Score: 6.95

42. Louisiana

The bayou state is viewed as a backwater by many, but it's so full of great food and one great city that it can't rank too low.

The Good: New Orleans is one of America's best cities. It's old and weird and feels like Europe. The nation would be a lot more boring if New Orleans didn't exist, so we're glad that it does. Besides New Orleans, Louisiana boasts beautiful coastline, ridiculously good food, and music (zydeco! jazz!) that makes the heart sing. Also, the Pontchartrain Causeway is something to behold, as is the drive in from Texas on 10.

The Bad: Louisiana is full of horrors. There are amoebas, crazy, Kermit-voiced governors, and guns in church. The towns of Houma and Monroe are examples of what kind of towns exist where New Orleans doesn't, and there are lots of alligators that want to eat you.

Final Score: 6.89

41. Colorado

The mile-high state is a land of controversy and confusion, but when you're stoned and skiing you hardly notice.

The Good: Mountains everywhere! You can ski and do the whole apres ski get drunk thing and all that and then be back to Denver, not a terrible city, in the same day. Colorado is smooshed up against the Rockies in gorgeous fashion, it feels dramatic and looming and scary and inviting all at once. And Boulder is the chillest of the chill.

The Bad: Well, Denver is actually kind of awful. And once you go east of Denver? Yikes. Flat as flat can be and a whole lotta nothing. And if you keep going, you hit Nebraska. Whoops. Also, Colorado Springs is home to a lot of wacko fundamentalism that speaks to many parts of the nation but is sincerely very scary.

Final Score: 6.83

40. Maine

The hard, up-turned nose of America, Maine is cold and unforgiving. But it's also, like, really pretty and stuff.

The Good: The Maine coastline, with its lighthouses and ocean-swept rocks, is postcard perfect. There are quaint little towns, pragmatic "You can't get theah from heah" folks, and outlet shopping. Acadia National Park is the Northeast's only National Park and it is a wonder. Portland has a restaurant called Duckfat that is as delicious as it sounds.

The Bad: Turns out, those pragmatic folks don't much care for the gays. Maine is also frickin' freezing most of the time. Because of the Labrador Current, you can barely go swimming in the state's pretty-looking ocean waters. Plus, Maine is basically the middle of goddamn nowhere. There's nothing there! Just a bunch of weird old islands, places like Vinalhaven where the people you're staying with when you're ten don't even have TV and oh god it's so boring.

Final Score: 6.81

39. Virginia

Long believed to be freedom's grundle, Virginia is a not entirely awful place to escape the beltway.

The Good: I don't know if you've heard, but this is a good state for lovers. It's also a good state for being near D.C. but not in D.C. NOVA is as much of a bourgie liberal paradise as you'll find that far down on the latitude lines, and Charlottesville has much to recommend it, surprisingly. Speaking of Charlottesville, Virginia's state schools are some of the best in the nation.

The Bad: We are talking about Virginia here. We are talking about Ken Cuccinelli, who likes to pretend gays aren't people. Virginia can oftentimes be the front lines of the culture war, doing horrifying things that the affirmed northerners just above it can point at in horror. Virginia is for lovers, but only a specific kind of lovers.

Final Score: 6.55

38. New Mexico

If New Mexico was good enough for Georgia O'Keefe and her vagina flowers, it's good enough for us.

The Good: Santa Fe and its environs are pretty goddarn lovely. Taos is a weird arts mecca for that one aunt you have who just never quite fit in anywhere else. Albuquerque is home to Breaking Bad, so it must be a great place!

The Bad: Well, everything outside of the Santa Fe area is something of a horrorscape. The people don't want gays in their yearbooks, though they should really be more concerned about all the ghosts. The strange grasslands around Roswell (itself an enormously depressing town singularly focused on a non-event that didn't happen sixty or so years ago) are vaguely menacing, as are the Carlsbad Caverns, with their caves full of dark secrets.

Final Score: 6.51

37. Pennsylvania

The Keystone State is a land of contradictions, of eastern progressiveness and western Amishness.

The Good: Philadelphia, despite its history of being mean to Tom Hanks and Antonio Banderas, is a great city — an old and decaying place where you can still smoke in bars (right?) and get the sandwich of your dreams. The true unheralded urban gem of Pennsylvania, however, is Pittsburgh, a city that feels like what an American city should feel like. It's gritty and pretty and shitty and they put french fries on their sandwiches. Whether you're in the Strip or Squirrel Hill, Pittsburgh is a place to be cool. Also there are lots of Amish people in Pennsylvania and Amish people are pretty great. But mostly Pennsylvania just has good sandwiches.

The Bad: Thanks a lot for Rick Santorum, assholes. Pennsylvania is a deceptively big state. You think it's all mid-Atlantic, East Coasty liberal shtick, but then you look out on the horizon and realize the rest of it's Pennsylvania too and once you get into Bucks County or Altoona or wherever the hell else, it's a whole different kind of place. So thanks again for Rick Santorum, Pennsylvania's answer to the question "What would evil look like if it wore a suit and had a daughter?"

Final Score: 6.38

36. Illinois

The Land of Lincoln is the beating heart of America, a place you stop in on your way to somewhere else but end up staying in forever.

The Good: Chicago! The Goodman! Steppenwolf! Improv Olympic! Second City! Chicago is, weirdly, America's theater town, a place where important, meaty works of theater and comedy are created. Chicago also has bonkers-good food (they put bacon in their pancakes!) and is very beach-accessible, even if said beach is a weirdo pretend fake-ocean. Outside of the Windy City (named so for the politicians, not for the wind, dope) there is picturesque farmland, the perfect John Hughesian suburbs of the north shore, and the surprisingly stirring Lincoln homestead in Springfield.

The Bad: Illinois is corrupt as fuck. Remember this guy? And, like, every governor and mayor before him? And once you step outside of the surprisingly stirring Lincoln homestead, you're in goddamn Springfield, which is a perfect example of what happens to a town when no one pays any attention to it for fifty years. There's also the creeping inferiority complex that runs through Chicago. Chicagoans are often a little too eager to defend their city against New York or Los Angeles. Stop it, Chicago! You're trying too hard. Just do you, girl. Just do you. (Look to Pittsburgh for a lesson on how to do this beautifully.) Mostly, though, Illinois sucks because it's pretty fucking cold in the winter.

Final Score: 6.3

35. Michigan

The mitten-shaped land of miseries is a scenic and scenically troubled place to call home.

The Good: Boy oh boy is Michigan pretty. What with all them lakes they got up there and all that crazy snow and stuff. Did you ever watch this beautiful show? That covers the UP pretty well. And say what you will about Detroit, but there's a kind of hard-boned, old-school urbanness to that city that is a rare commodity in 2011.

The Bad: "Hard-boned, old-school urbanness" is a polite way of saying that Detroit is an absolute hellhole, the kind of place that you think about and wish that we could allocate some funds to just airlift everyone the fuck out of there. Flint and Grand Rapids aren't doing much better. Michigan can sometimes feel like a scary totem of what's to come for the rest of this fading super-nation, so it's kind of annoying to constantly have that reminder, ever teasing us.

Final Score: 5.88

34. Georgia

The Peach State can be just peachy, but also a little too preachy.

The Good: Savannah is a pretty special place. You don't get a lot of towns in America like Savannah, so we should be glad we have it. And there's certainly something to be said for the sprawling drone of Atlanta, the way it's become in a lot of ways the black capital of America and the gay epicenter of the South. Georgia is steeped in history — a lot of it is sad, bloody history, but it's history nonetheless and it makes the whole place feel a bit haunted in a cool, grim way. Georgia is full of ghosts, but it's also wonderfully alive.

The Bad: Well, it's Georgia. I mean, there's this and this and lots of other stories like that. And as anyone who's ever flown a Delta flight can tell you, Hartsfield–Jackson is a nightmare of an airport.

Final Score: 5.86

33. Maryland

The Old Line State sports lots of nice scenery, and some parts are conveniently (or detrimentally, depending on your view) D.C.-adjacent, but its main city is a Dickensian nightmare.

The Good: The whole Chesapeake area is definitely pretty. There's a whole island full of wild horses, so that's pretty cool. Some of us have cousins that live in Rockville and that always seems pleasant enough. There's a town named after Chevy Chase! (It couldn't possibly be the other way around.) They have blue crabs there that are very delicious to eat. (No, they are not STDs that are sad.) Annapolis is a pretty little town, and there are lots of hot young Navy cadets to peep there. You can buy a house in Baltimore for under $10,000!

The Bad: Do you know why you can buy a house in Baltimore for under $10,000? Because it's something of a murder-ridden horrorhole. They like made a whole television series about what a scary and miserable place it is! Sure there are revitalization projects underway and crime is falling some, but it's still pretty bad. Other than Baltimore, Maryland is basically just the Mid-Atlantic's Connecticut — all suburby sprawl dotted with occasional crumbling cities. Oh, and of course rural Maryland's woods are full of mean old witches who hate film students.

Final Score: 5.75

32. Wisconsin

America's Big Cheese is a land divided. It possess a kindly, Midwestern open-mindedness that's constantly doing battle with fervid red state-ism.

The Good: Well, there's the aforementioned cheese. If you have a friend from Wisconsin and they are a good friend, they will bring you back a lot of cheese curds from when they go home to visit their parents. There's a lot of lakes and stuff, including two really big ones, so you don't exactly feel like you're in the landlocked Midwest. (Though, of course, you are.) And it must be said lest we lose any bobo cred that Madison is a great town, a smart and laid-back kind of place that, among others, is home to the sublime Lorrie Moore. No state can be that bad if Lorrie Moore lives there! Most importantly, though, this school song is oddly hypnotic.

The Bad: Well, uh, there's this whole mess. Wisconsin, or at least certain influential parts of it, has devolved into Tea Party craziness. Voters got rid of the great 18-year senator Russ Feingold and replaced him with area dope Ron Johnson. Beyond politics, Green Bay is mostly a frozen wasteland populated by beer-filled bellowers and some of the scariest sports fans in the nation and Milwaukee, though experiencing a small population growth owing to some changes for the good, remains Milwaukee. Most importantly, though, this school(ish) song is deeply chilling.

Final Score: 5.73

31. Connecticut

The New England family's insurance salesman brother is pretty enough and ugly enough to fit almost in the middle of our countdown.

The Good: Mostly Connecticut is good because it's near other stuff, chiefly Boston to the Northeast and New York City to the Southwest. But actually within the State of Steady Habits (sounds exciting, huh?) there is picturesque Litchfield County, a restaurant in New Haven that invented the hamburger (both America's greatest achievement and its inevitable undoing), and a seriously haunted ghost town. Connecticut politics have been good to the gays and other worthy causes.

The Bad: Connecticut politics also birthed terrible Droopy dog Joe Lieberman. The truly bad part of CT, though, is what's mentioned in the Maryland section above. Connecticut is mostly just America's suburb, a string of medium-sized towns rolling into medium-sized towns, only to be briefly interrupted by decaying heaps like Bridgeport, New Haven, and Hartford. Connecticut has some of the least character or local flavor in the country, unless you count the WASPs of Westport, and we really shouldn't count them. Also, Connecticut is home to two of the nation's most annoying student bodies (Yale and UConn, for very different reasons).

Final Score: 5.72

30. North Carolina

The mountainous gateway to the true American south, North Carolina can seem charming and terrifying all at the same time.

The Good: Contrary to the ugly old "dumb Southerner" stereotype, North Carolina's public university system is top-notch (especially Chapel Hill, obvs) and towns like Asheville are artsy, cultured places full of beer. In terms of scenery, the Outer Banks are some of the East Coast's most beautiful shoreline, and the dark and shadowy Blue Ridge mountains are picturesquely moody.

The Bad: A traditionally old-school southern Democratic state, North Carolina has an often contentious political scene and is not untainted by, sigh, a history of bad race relations. Remember the watermelon guy? He was a real gem. The city of Charlotte is a strange place, at once a depressed and rundown shanty and, conversely, the second-largest banking center in the US. (A large banking sector makes for a pretty dull city, too.) Beyond that, Duke kids are real gems, as are some of the state's more deeply pious folks. The worst thing about North Carolina, though? The poop monsters.

Final Score: 5.66

29. Missouri

The Show-Me State may immediately appear to be a boring drive-through state on the way to and from somewhere else, but there's actually some stuff going on there.

The Good: Say what you will, but driving down Rte. 55 from Illinois and seeing that Arch in the distance as you approach St. Louis is an oddly stirring, patriotic kind of experience. And once you're up close it's still really cool! You can go to the top in these weird iMac-esque pods and there's a view for days. At the other end of the state, Kansas City is a vibrant city, full of lots of cool history (organized crime-related and otherwise) and music and other culture and stuff. Missouri is one of the few states in the union to have two baseball teams, too! That is fun. Some towns along the Mississippi, like quaint old "America's Hometown" Hannibal, are perfectly pleasant places to stop by on a summer afternoon.

The Bad: Well, yikes. The political sphere is pretty goshdarn silly. The state's chateaus are downright ugly. Depending on where you live in the state, you'll probably be killed by a tornado. And it's Missouri! Yes St. Louis and Kansas City are fairly decent cities but there's a lot there in the middle (see: Columbia, Jefferson City) that is slow as slow can be.

Final Score: 5.53

28. Rhode Island

The barely-there baby of New England is full of lovely things but sadly rotten at its core.

The Good: There are beaches in Rhode Island that are some of the nicest in the land. The entirety of the coastal part of Rhode Island is beautiful (woop woop, Little Compton), from snobby Watch Hill to, uh, snobby Newport. They make some decent wine in Rhode Island, and Brown University in Providence is probably the number one school-that-got-away for a large portion of American college kids.

The Bad: Other than the pretty coastline, there isn't a whole hell of a lot to do in Rhode Island. The inland parts of the state (which are, admittedly, only like 20 minutes from the non-inland parts of the state) are just bland in that depressingly New England bland sort of way, and Providence, while definitely undergoing a hefty makeover, is still a sleepy and vaguely distressing city (maybe because it fired all its teachers?). It's also egregiously corrupt! Politicians like Buddy Cianci have been crooked and mobbed-up for years. Oh, and the Cranston/Pawtucket accent is, perhaps, the ugliest in the nation.

Final Score: 5.51

27. Iowa

A middle-of-the-road state ends up in the middle of the road.

The Good: Yes! Gay marriage in the Midwest! It is a miracle. Well, a miracle maybe but certainly not a shock for those in the know about Iowa, an unassuming state that quietly boasts probably the best writing program in the country and that hosts a big hippie bike fest every year. Iowa's rolling farmland heading west toward Omaha is sublimely idyllic, as are the strange bluffs near South Dakota. You can eat deep-fried butter in Iowa, so that's pretty good. Plus that name! "Iowa." So sad and pretty, like how to say goodbye in a language lost long ago.

The Bad: Well, some of those judges that passed same-sex marriage were also elected out of office, a strange thing that you can do to appointed judiciary in Iowa. The whole Iowa caucus/straw poll brouhaha is an irksome clusterfuck, one that gives too much political power to a relatively small state. Des Moines is something of a creepy, melancholy city. And we should maybe move that deep-fried butter down into this category.

Final Score: 5.40

26. Kansas

The geographic center of the U.S. is a flat land with a few surprises.

The Good: Kansas has two good college towns. Lawrence (University of Kansas) is one of the 10 best college towns in America. And Manhattan (Kansas State) is, despite its depressing name, apparently a good place to retire young. Kansas is the prototype of what you think about when someone mention's America's sprawling vastnesses of corn and whatnot. It's Kansas. It is what it is. Dorothy's from there. Y'know. Kansas. You can go see this.

The Bad: What's the matter with Kansas? A whole hell of a lot. There's lots of religious nuttery. And then even more religious nuttery. Some folks in the state don't think too much of reproductive rights. It's flat as hell, its amusement parks are abandoned, and it's full of tornadoes. The Kansas part of Kansas City is boring, including those snobby jerks in Overland Park. And while Dorothy might be from Kansas, the state isn't very nice to her friends. And, you can go see this.

Final Score: 5.09

25. Indiana

Fitting in many ways that the Hoosier State would wind up smack in the middle. It's an average state that does things averagely.

The Good: Well first it must be said that without LaGrange County, Indiana, we might never have Devil's Playground, a fascinating look at the many Amish in that area and their strange tradition of Rumspringa. So thank you, LaGrange! Besides curious looks at the Amish, Indiana has Indiana University in Bloomington, a terrific school in a great town, home to amazing scientists, that weirdo sex-freak Alfred Kinsey, and most importantly the wonderful little movie Breaking Away. The rest of the state has cute little towns like Culver, exemplary bits of small-town America. In terms of big-town America, Indianapolis is the second-largest city in the Midwest, so it's got that goin' for it.

The Bad: I mean, it's Indiana. It's the state you drive through. Quite literally: Indiana has more miles of highway per square mile than any other state. Plus those Amish? They're interesting, sure, but they're also kind of weird and, as Devil's Playground taught us, not as innocent as our stereotypes would have us believe. Speaking of lost innocence, ever been to Gary, IN? You'd remember. Also, South Bend is a frozen pit full of terrible Notre Dame kids. Even you, Rudy.

Final Score: 5.08

24. New Hampshire

The state that's not Vermont is certainly a place to live free, though some of it makes you want to die.

The Good: No taxes! Simply no taxes anywhere! You could kill a man and not pay taxes on his corpse. There are just absolutely no taxes in New Hampshire. The Granite State is also full of lovely mountains for New England-style (read: lame by many people's standards) skiing (Waterville Valley!) and for hiking. Most of the state is actually pretty beautiful, from Lake Winnipesaukee to the Franconia Notch. Plus, did we mention there are no taxes? Nobody taxes you on anything, ever! You will never pay a single tax in your life when you live in New Hampshire! (Except of course the taxes that you will have to pay to the state of New Hampshire and to the federal government.)

The Bad: Well, everyone in New Hampshire is crazy. They like their guns, they don't like their gays, and they don't want their kids voting. A lot of the crazy hides out in the desolate northern wilds of the state, though there's enough in the dull cities of Manchester and Nashua to go around. (Concord is a nice town, at least.) New Hampshire (and Vermont, to be fair) can sometimes feel like the Texas of the north, a place with a fiercely and obnoxiously individualistic sense of state pride. It's too much! Calm it down. It's just imagined borders, that's all. That's all. New Hampshire's biggest problem, though, is that the Old Man of the Mountain on their state quarter? That fucker done fell off.

Final Score: 5.05

23. Tennessee

The long, lean welcome mat to the deep south, Tennessee is a complicated state, one full of mist and memories and, of course, music.

The Good: There's no denying that Nashville, with its tambourine heart and guitar string veins, is a great city. Sure country music might not be everyone's thang, but it's hard to not be a fan when you're in Music City. Outside of Nashville, Tennessee offers Great Smoky Mountains National Park (shared with North Carolina), the surprisingly pleasant city of Chattanooga, music festival Bonnaroo (though that might be a bad thing), and of course the true soul and spirit of Tennessee, Dolly Parton's Dollywood theme park and resort in Pigeon Forge.

The Bad: Pull up a chair, this could be a while. There's racism, sexism, and homophobia. And sure every state has that stuff, every single one, but shit in Tennessee is institutionalized. Plus it's full of toxic waste. As for other Tennessee cities, the only way Knoxville would be fun was if they actually did fill the Sunsphere with wigs, and Memphis? Oof, Memphis. Every damn day those ducks at the Peabody try to get the hell out of Memphis, but they never quite make it.

Final Score: 4.93

22. Kentucky

The Bluegrass State is a jumble — part South, part North, part Midwest, even. Kentucky doesn't know what it wants to be except just plain old Kentucky.

The Good: Bourbon. Thank you for bourbon, Kentucky. Yum! Glug glug glug. Bourbon. Thank you also for the Humana Arts Festival, probably the US's most important theater festival, held at the renowned Actors Theater of Louisville, which is a fun town. Kentucky's other major city Lexington, the "Horse Capital of the World" (Vaes Dothrak would beg to differ), isn't bad either. The University of Kentucky is ranked highly in science and medicine programs, and if you want you can go to Transylvania University and become a vampire, you can! Mostly, though, yes thank you for bourbon.

The Bad: Sigh. Other than the crippling poverty of the Appalachian eastern part of the state (ravaged coal country), you've got: guns, gay-hating, the perfect absurdity of Rand Paul, juvenile racism, this place and this fucking place, and of course forced beard eating. It's not nice to judge Kentucky on creaky stereotypes, but good grief Kentuckians just keep doing embarrassing stuff. Maybe it's all the bourbon.

Final Score: 4.87

21. Idaho

The mysterious potato state is America's most secretive, a place of mountains and valleys where few fear to tread.

The Good: Idaho is weird. That's a good thing! There are no major highways running North-South in Idaho, so if you're in Coeur d'Alene and need to get to Boise, it's gonna be a while. But that makes it interesting. Americans probably know the least about Idaho, maybe more than any other state, and you get the impression when you're there that that's how they like it. The state is also a beautiful one, rugged and big-skyed, full of great skiing and other outdoorsing. As small Western cities go, you could certainly do a lot worse than Boise. Which, if nothing else, is really pleasing name to say. And, of course, where would any of us carb-chompers be without potatoes? We've Idaho (partly) to thank for those.

The Bad: Well, all that mystery and secrecy and isolationism? It creates some pretty weird people. Weirdest of all, of course, being ol' Wide Stance McGee. There's also the Sun Valley area, a beautiful place tragically overrun by insanely annoying celebrities. Also, that whole no North-South roads thing? A bit of a drag. Mostly though, Napoleon Dynamite is all Idaho's fault and that's nearly unforgivable.

Final Score: 4.83

20. North Dakota

America's least-visited state is a cold and desolate land oft forgotten by the outside world.

The Good: Personally I suspect this got such a high ranking because of the movie Fargo, even though most of that takes place in Minnesota. But of course there's also the lovely terrain — places like Teddy Roosevelt National Park that are as stark and as bison-ridden as one imagines when one thinks of the badlands. Everyone's healthy there. And college is reasonably cheap. Mostly North Dakota isn't the worst-worst because what can you really say about North Dakota? It's just North Dakota.

The Bad: North Dakota is chiefly terrible because you will die of snow there. There's just so much snow that is out to kill you. Though, really, I ask you: Why are we even talking about North Dakota? I mean, it's probably not even a state!

Final Score: 4.71

19. Wyoming

The iconic Cowboy State is certainly beautiful in parts, but it's harsh and unforgiving in others.

The Good: Well, lots of western Wyoming is beautiful. Towns like Cody and Jackson Hole are about as picturesque spots in the Rockies are you're likely to see. Yellowstone and Grand Tetons National Parks loom large and spectacular in that corner of the state. If you like to be alone, Wyoming is the place for you: it's the 10th largest state by area, but the least populated. At 536,000 residents, Wyoming has less than a hundred thousand more people than Staten Island but almost 1,000 times the land. So you can be pretty alone! And you'll probably have a job, as Wyoming's unemployment rate is under 6%.

The Bad: If you don't like being alone, Wyoming is pretty freakin' desolate. While the western part of the state is verdant and dramatic, the eastern plateau once you get out of the Black Hills is an eerie, windswept martian landscape. The joy of driving past Emblem, WY, population 10, is quickly replaced by the dreadful idea of actually living there. And while Wyoming calls itself the Equal Rights state, based on the fact that it was the first to allow women the vote, its racially homogenous nature can lead to problems. And obviously Laramie has some scars to deal with on other fronts. But really the main reason to hate the state is that Dick Cheney, while not born there, hails from Wyoming. So it breeds devil warlocks, is what I'm saying. Wyoming is the demon warlock capital of the U.S.

Final Score: 4.60

18. Montana

Big Sky country is full of natural wonders and human horrors. You'd probably like to spend more time with the grizzly bears than the people.

The Good: OK, the people in awesome western Montana towns like Bozeman and Missoula are pretty cool. A little mountain-man crazy, sure, but otherwise good, fun, decent people. And the towns themselves are great — scenic and lively themselves, and also a short drive from the great outdoors. Speaking of the great outdoors, there is a lot of it — from Glacier National Park (go to Serranos! It's good!) to ski country, Montana is mountainous paradise.

The Bad: Well, western Montana is. The eastern high prairie part of the state can be pretty bleak. And, again, the people. Montana knows how to breed crazies, from Unabombers, to firebombers, from gay haters to race haters. Montana is refreshingly wild, but distressingly so, too.

Final Score: 4.57

17. Nebraska

The Cornhusker State isn't just home to Becky Donaldson-Katsopolis. It's also home to lots of other stuff, like ___ and ____.

The Good: Nebraska can actually be really pretty! The drive in from Colorado on 80 is green and pleasant as you get into the North Platte area (do not stop in North Platte). And hey, if you like Metalcore music, and who doesn't!, then you'll love Omaha's thriving music scene. (To be fair, it's also the home of good jazz and indie stuff, like Bright Eyes!) Omaha is also the birthplace of Alexander Payne, one of cinema's best directors.

The Bad: Unfortunately, if you like meth, then you'll love Omaha's thriving meth scene. From that grimness comes tragic and bizarre stories like this one. Other than the crystal devil, Nebraska can be prettttyyyy freakin' boring. If you dare take a left somewhere off 80 and drive north, well, we'll see you when we see you because good grief there is nothing there. (Meet me in Saskatoon?) Nebraska also has some crappy political stuff to contend with, so that's unfortunate. I don't know, man. It's Nebraska.

Final Score: 4.55

16. South Dakota

The Mount Rushmore State is beautiful and strange, a quiet and vaguely menacing place with more bison than people (or at least it seems that way).

The Good: The whole Badlands/Black Hills/Mt. Rushmore stretch of the state is very pretty. Wild and faraway-feeling, it's like standing in a history book about the pioneer days, but also like standing on the moon. On the way into the Badlands you may pass by, oh say a million or so signs for Mitchell, SD's fabulous Corn Palace, a kitschy tourist trap that's worth the drive just to say you've been. Wind Cave National Park is cool and creepy too, a mysterious place where the main attraction is underground and everything up top is strange prairie grass on low rolling hills, waving in the wind. Shivers!

The Bad: There's nothing there. Nothing! When your most cosmopolitan city is Sioux Falls, you've got a problem. Also, South Dakota boasts the United States congressperson with the worst hair in all of Washington. Look at that hair! Kristi, girl. Choose one look and go with that. You can't have the Rachel and the Monica at the same time. In general, South Dakota's politics tend to trend towards the batshit bonkers side, so beware. Also, the Corn Palace? It's nothing special. Or at least it doesn't justify the fifty million signs that advertise its proximity. I'd be more interested in seeing Kristi Noem's hair salon. And burning it down.

Final Score: 4.45

15. Ohio

The home of seven presidents, Ohio is the belly-button of America. A kind of center, a reminder of who we are, but also kind of gross.

The Good: A decent amount of people live in Ohio, so that's a change of pace for today! Ohio has big cities like Cleveland and Columbus and Cincinnati (what's with the Cs, guys?) to serve as cultural capitals. Plus Ohio is chock-full of great schools — from state institutions like massive Ohio State (excuse me, the Ohio State) and preppy Miami of Ohio, to hippie-dip dumpster dive paradises like Kenyon and Oberlin. Ohio indulges our fascination with Amish people pretty thoroughly. Part of it is situated on a big fat lake, so if you're into that you can do that. Lots of rural Ohio is very pretty — pastoral and red-barned and all that.

The Bad: All the people who live in (or near, I guess) those quaint red barns are total jerks (politically speaking, at least). Everyone who lives in the cities is poor and miserable. Calling Cleveland and Cincinnati "cultural capitals" is sort of a sad joke. (Ha, Cincinnati thinks it's people.) Ohio still uses its ridiculous (if dwindling) political power to elect chuckleheads like John Boehner to positions of power. They once set a river on fire. People from Cleveland, one of the worst cities to live in, tend to get all butthurt when you, correctly, tell them it sucks. Ohio feels like it's full of serial killers. (You can drive by a house that Jeffery Dahmer lived in as a kid outside of Akron and it's sooo scary.) Oh, and string me up for this, but buckeye candies taste bad. Deal with it.

Final Score: 4.41

14. Arkansas

What is Arkansas? Is it the South? Not quite. Certainly not the Midwest either. It's really just sort of Arkansas. It's just sort of there.

The Good: The Ozarks are pretty, with all their hot springs and stuff. (Plus, funny old Eureka Springs.) Fayetteville is a quirky-cool college town. Arkansas gave us Bill Clinton, our first black president. Arkansas also gave the world Johnny Cash and Al Green. You hear things about Little Rock once in a while, like "Little Rock isn't so bad," so it's got that goin' for it.

The Bad: Arkansas. The bad part of Arkansas is that it's Arkansas. Specifics? Long history of racism in schools. More recent history of anti-gay nonsense. The apocalypse is happening there. Fitting, as some Arkansas residents let their crazy religious beliefs put people in jail for years for crimes they didn't commit, based on ridiculous fears and speculation. Plus, some dark, dark stuff lurks in the shadows of those pretty Ozark Mountains.

Final Score: 4.36

13. Texas

The big bad bastard of the south, Texas is a land unto itself. Independent and brash and a total jerk-off.

The Good: There is a lot of good in Texas. And, no, weirdos, not just in Austin. Though, Austin is a great city with so much culture and verve and Whole Foodses that it is definitely one of The Good. But other than Austin there is other good stuff! Like, for example, the food. Holy hell the food! On one hand you've got sweet, sweet BBQ and on the other you've got the whole array of so-called Tex-Mex cuisine. All of it is delicious! Good grief can you eat well in Texas. You will be nine hundred pounds, but you will be happy. Texas has also provided us with a variety of terrific cultural touchstones, from Chainsaw Massacre to Dazed and Confused to Reality Bites to Friday Night Lights. And, of course, a crazy amount of music. Like it or not, Texas helps make the country interesting.

The Bad: Welp, let's see here: Rick Perry, George W. Bush, the board of education, Cameron Todd Willingham, the culture of capital punishment as a whole, guns, religious zealotry both inane and dangerous, smog-filled Houston, airless Dallas, scorched wasteland El Paso, and the way they treat their immigrants, their blacks, their gays, and their women. But mostly Texas is awful because despite all the miseries it inflicts upon the rest of the country (and its own citizenry), Texans rarely stop loudly and aggressively stating what a great, awesome, perfect place Texas is. The Texan ego is as big as the state, and no matter how much you point out to them that, uh, hey what about all this extremely terrible stuff, they will not listen. If you guys would just shut up about if for a while, the rest of us might like you a little more.

Final Score: 4.11

12. Florida

America's insane penis is a kooky, fucked-up swamp. But it's kinda charming in a way, too.

The Good: Miami can be fun in the right context. And it certainly has culture and cuisine and all that going for it. Key West is grand and gay. St. Augustine is a cool old place (oldest in the States, fyi) that's good for a day visit. Plus, you know, beaches. And warm weather. And, yeah, what the hell, DisneyWorld. That shit's fun! Alligators are cool, too.

The Bad: So many crazy, News of the Weird-type things happen in Florida that Fark has created an entire tag just for them. Think of Florida as a cookie or candy with a grandparent crust and a frothing, criminally insane filling. The middle of the state is a cultureless void from which crystal meth (or, like, moving away) is the only escape. Florida's brand of conservatism is one of the dumbest, and who can forget when the state was the trigger-man for that whole election theft back in 2000. Florida is a swampy morass of misery and boredom and church and guns and drug-addicted babies. Florida feels like a work of fiction. But it's depressingly real.

Final Score: 4.09

11. Alaska

Seward's folly is a vast yet empty expanse of tundra and oil, a northern dreamscape that we're hellbent on destroying.

The Good: Whoa there is so much pretty stuff in Alaska. Denali! The Kenai Peninsula! Wrangell-St. Elias! Old Russian churches on the Aleutian Islands! Alaska is just teeming with gorgeous mountain ranges and expanses of sea and animal life and all that. It's a dramatic, foreboding, and thrilling chunk of the country. And, as it turns out, Anchorage isn't a half-bad city, lots of Montana-esque mountain quirk and good beer.

The Bad: It's huge and empty and scary and dark and cold. Ever been to Fairbanks? Yeesh, it's a pit in the summer. In the winter it's 30 below and full of chemical fog. Everything in Alaska is approximately a four hundred million hour drive from everything else, and you can't even drive to the capital city. People like the Palins and the Johnstons are the ones who made it out of Alaska. Those are the state's successful dynamos! But really, yeah, the weather. I once asked a waitress in Valdez how much snow they got last year and she said "40." And I said "Inches?" And she said "Feet." and I cried just thinking about it.

Final Score: 4.06

10. South Carolina

The Palmetto State is a scary place. It lures you in with its beachy beauty and Southern charm, and then it says horrible things to you and you want to leave forever.

The Good: Beachy beauty! There's, like, lots of coastline and stuff in S.C. that is lurvely. And of course there's Charleston, a lovely old place full of lovely old buildings. It also has a genteel, old-timey culture about it that's on the border between quaint and kitschy but manages to never cross that line into camp. If you like golf, you probably want to go to Hilton Head, because that is a nice place to play golf. Hm. Is that about it?

The Bad: You guys are really racist! You're just really, really racist. I mean, please stop it with this. And this. And basically just all the horrible stuff you do. You know, stuff like this. Just please stop being so incredibly racist. And also being so crazy. I don't know how else to say it. Just rethink the whole strategy. Even your fellow residents don't like you.

Final Score: 3.95

9. Nevada

The Hooker State is full of sad hookers and even sadder johns. It's also full of cigarette smoke and barren desert. Vacationland awaits!

The Good: Prostitution is, very sanely, legal in parts of the state. Strange that a mostly conservative state also realizes that sex work is a valid, if somewhat outre, profession, but that's how it goes. How very un-Puritan of you, Nevada! Also un-Puritan are Las Vegas' resort casinos, Kafkaesque nightmarescapes of smoke and clanging bells and desperation. And that's so fun for a night or two! Las Vegas is absolutely a fun place to be for exactly 48 hours, no more. After that it turns hellish, but for that brief weekend it's a ridiculous place where you might find yourself drinking alcoholic sugar-acid from a plastic Eiffel Tower and actually enjoying it. Outside of Vegas, Nevada boasts lovely landscape up near the Reno/Tahoe area, where you can ski and do other outdoor activities.

The Bad: Nevada is a complete horrorshow! What are you, crazy? Las Vegas shouldn't exist, there should not be that much out in the middle of the desert. Reno and Carson City are total dumps. And then there's nothing else! It's just brown scrubby desert for miles and miles and miles and that's it. Well, occasionally you'll be stopped on the road by Sharron Angle, who will threaten you with her second amendment remedies and then call you Asian. Oh and then she'll tell you to make rape lemonade. She's a peach! (To Nevada's credit, she lost the Senate election to tattered old muppet Harry Reid, so.) But yeah, there are crazy people in Nevada. People like Air Force Amy. Look her up. Or don't. It's probably NSFW.

Final Score: 3.89

8. Oklahoma

When your state motto is just that you're OK, you're already setting the bar pretty low.

The Good: Tulsa is a pretty cultured city, one with a good music scene that birthed, among other notable bands, Hanson. And that's not even being sarcastic! They actually still make music and it's kinda fun. Um, so other than Hanson, Oklahoma has... a musical about it that's good? And a kind of picturesque flatness? Well, except for in the southeastern part of the state, which has some pretty mountains. Oklahoma also has a large and varied Native American population, making it a surprisingly diverse state, in parts.

The Bad: Yipes. Well, you'll probably get struck by lightning or disappear into the swirling maw of a tornado if you live in Oklahoma. If you don't die from boredom first. There's a scene in Tracy Letts' terrific Oklahoma-set play August: Osage County in which a character bemoans her bad mood and says that she doesn't have the blues, she has "The Plains." It's a state of mind, Letts is saying, and not a good one. To complement the shitty landscape, Oklahoma is rife with the zealousest of the zealots, including my favorite lady in the entire world, splendiferous twat Sally Kern, who often says great things about gays and women and black people. She's a great old lady. And one who has won at least one election since revealing herself to be a crazy lunatic, so well done there, Oklahoma voters. That's the kind of thing you get in Oklahoma! People just love putting God into politics in that wacky hell-place.

Final Score: 3.87

7. West Virginia

America's power source, West Virginia is one big holler — a guarded mountainous place where people can just let themselves go without the outside world interfering.

The Good: The Appalachian mountains are pretty, that's for sure, as are parts of Charleston. West Virginia has cool, weird places like the Greenbrier. Mountain Stage is a good radio show. Everyone has a crush on Carte Goodwin. At the very least, West Virginia isn't too too far from other things, so you don't feel entirely trapped.

The Bad: Everyone's fat! Everyone's so fat that some British guy had to come to Huntington to slap the deep fried cheeseburgers out of everyone's mouths. Coal mining techniques like mountaintop removal have ecologically decimated parts of the state, poisoning water supplies and giving everyone cancer. (Jonathan Franzen is outraged!) Other than coal, West Virginia's chief export is angry old white people. There are so many angry old white people there. And some would say that those angry old white people are pretty racist.

Final Score: 3.67

6. Delaware

Often confused for Della Reese's line of disposable food storage containers, Delaware is proof that you don't always get it right the first time.

The Good: The First State was first, so I guess that's bragging rights. If you are a business (and you could be a business! Mittens Romney says that businesses are people, and people read blogs, so you could be a business reading a blog!) you should probably incorporate in Delaware because of their corporation law that makes the state a big tax haven. Delaware is well situated geographically, with lots of coastline that gives us fun/weird towns like Rehoboth Beach, a gayer and more genteel Seaside Heights. You're also near at least two major cities in Delaware, Philadelphia and Washington D.C., so that's handy.

The Bad: What even is Delaware?? It's barely a state at all! If it wasn't for the crazy business laws (which, full disclosure, Gawker Media takes advantage of), no one would even know it was there. Are there cities? Well, there's Wilmington, but good grief is that place a heap. And the capital city Dover feels empty and ghost-ridden. Or witch-ridden! Delaware produced America's first Wiccan-American senatorial candidate, which is pretty embarrassing for them. Frankly it's surprising that Delaware, a state that doesn't even have any of its own network TV affiliates, even gets senators. Delaware ranks so low because it's an afterthought of a state; it's our first timid, rough attempt at statehood that we'd rather no one see.

Final Score: 3.31

5. Mississippi

The Hospitality State is really only hospitable if you're one exact, specific kind of person.

The Good: Well, let's see here. There are certainly attractive parts of the state. It's verdant and lush and full of magnolias. (Or, you know, supposedly it is, I didn't see any when I was there, or maybe I did and just didn't know I was seeing them.) Oxford, where sorority catastrophe Ole Miss is located, is a fairly intellectual sort of place. If tragedy and struggle breeds creativity, there's no greater proof of that than Mississippi, which has, over the years, been home to many great and important writers (Faulkner, Williams, etc.)

The Bad: Good grief. Well, uh, they don't much care for blacks, or gays, or book-learnin'. Everyone there is fat. And did we mention racist? They're pretty racist. It's actually become part of their economy (says a commenter). Sorry, Mississippi.

Final Score: 3.18

4. New Jersey

The Garden State is a garden of both good and evil. But slightly more evil.

The Good: New Jersey is close to things that aren't New Jersey! It's close to New York City and to Philadelphia, so that's very convenient should you want to leave New Jersey. (You will want to leave New Jersey.) There are pretty places in New Jersey like the Pine Barrens and the Kittatinny Mountains and Cape May. Oh, and they have fascinating hill people! Do a reality show on that, MTV. New Jersey also has cultural offerings like the Paper Mill Playhouse and the McCarter Theater. Rutgers has grease trucks where they put mozzarella sticks in the sandwiches. Atlantic City is a haunted version of Las Vegas. Bruce Springsteen.

The Bad: It's not the pollution. It's not Trenton or Camden. It's not Jersey Shore or the Housewives. It's not the accents, the tanning, the jewelry, the hair. It's not the mob. It's not all those things one typically thinks of when "New Jersey sucks!" comes to mind. You know why, at least why I suspect, New Jersey ranked so low on this list? Just go read the comments on this past week's worth of state posts, specifically the ones by people from New Jersey. Have you ever met a person, separate from a Texan, who is more inclined to talk about their state than someone from New Jersey? Holy cow are a lot of Jerseyites completely obsessed with being from New Jersey. And why? It's a small state with no important cities and no major cultural export beyond embarrassing mooks. "Everyone in New York City thinks we suck," they complain. First off that's not really true, but also good grief if you're so upset about New York City, stop constantly defining yourself by New York City! Jerseyites have such a bizarrely inflated ego and defensiveness about their state that it's hard to actually praise it. It's reflexive. You almost need to say something bad about it, just to satisfy these fools' persecution complexes. New Jersey is a fine state with much to offer! But if you keep boostering for it when no one asked you to, everyone else is going to be mean to it. That's all. That's all the problem is here. (It is also polluted and gross and Trenton sucks and ew fake tans, but y'know.)

Final Score: 3.14

3. Utah

The Beehive State is an alien landscape full of wonders and weirdos. It's a good place to get lost, or be found.

The Good: So much natural beauty! From the strange, towering spires of Zion National Park to the sad quiet corners of Bryce Canyon, Utah has some nice rocks. The state also has nice mountains for skiing. Nestled up in those mountains is the town of Park City, where the Sundance Film Festival happens every year. I know it's lame to include that in "The Good," being that it's become corporate and overrun with hangers-on and whatnot, but there's no denying that some good, important filmmaking is showcased and sold amidst all the chichi garbage. We've heard rumors that Salt Lake City can be a decent place, but they've never been verified.

The Bad: Everything that's not national parks and quaint little ski/film towns? Abjectly miserable. Desolate, creepy rock and desert. Utah also has the Mormons. Not that an individual Mormon is a bad person! Of course not, that's silly. But when amassed together, when taking orders from the white guys in suits who live in the magic temple, then they can be pretty scary. They don't much like sex or even the suggestion of sex. They only started liking black people in the late '70s. (Though they might still actually not like them very much.) And they take their dislike for gays and export it to other states. They're jerks, kinda! Even worse, aggressively evangelizing jerks. And the throbbing seat of their power rests in Utah, so that's a knock to you, Utah. But other than the Mormons, Utah is bad for being a barren, lonely place. Whether the deserts are orange or a strange, windswept gray, you kind of get the sense that you don't belong there. (Especially if you're black, gay, or an unmarried woman.)

Final Score: 3.03

2. Alabama

The Heart of Dixie is alas a clogged artery of bad ideas and other sad stuff.

The Good: Parts of it are nice to look at. Mobile has some pretty old buildings and stuff. Auburn is a good school. As Two-a-Days showed us, if you want your son to play football and be good at it, move to Alabama. (If you want your daughter to play football and be good at it, move to Northampton, weirdo.) The Alabama Shakespeare Festival in Montgomery has national recognition.

The Bad: It's tempting to just copy and paste the Mississippi section. Uh, well, in addition to a long and bloody history of racism, Alabama boasts an insane new immigration law, crazy politicians who make crazy ads, and while things are getting a bit better, Alabama is a horrible place to be gay. Aside from the political stuff, Alabama is rural and empty and miserable in the summer and full of tornadoes.

Final Score: 2.94

1. Arizona

Duh.

The Good: Arizona has lots of natural beauty, from the dizzying Grand Canyon to, well, the areas immediately outside the Grand Canyon (Kaibab represent). That's about it. Well, OK, Flagstaff has its moments.

The Bad: First off, it's the middle of the goddamned desert so why is everyone there? Why is Phoenix? Ecological catastrophes, the twin brown stars of Phoenix and Scottsdale are insanely destructive, places so hot that they have mist sprayers everywhere even though there is no water there. Dreadful! The sheriff of the area is an insane lunatic cowboy wannabe who rules the town like Gene Hackman in the The Quick and the Dead. Alabama's batshit immigration law was inspired by Arizona's own SB 1070, a racist and xenophobic piece of legislation representative of Arizona's roiling immigration crisis that was signed into law by the state's governor Jan Brewer, a perky-eyed psychopath who speaks in tongues. Arizona is swiftly devolving into a dystopic free-for-all of armed mad men patrolling the state with guns, often to disastrous effect. (As witnessed in the Gaby Giffords incident — though, c'mon, you can't blame Arizona for Jared Loughner any more than you can blame Colorado for Columbine.) Arizona is a hissing snakepit of angry old white people (they are angry because they are literally being cooked to death) yelling at the immigrants and other Others whom they fear and loathe, and it is probably going to explode someday soon into a bright ball of orange fire and we will know that either the end times have come for us all or thank god we are finally rid of Arizona.

Final Score: 2.76