thoughts 1

what am i most afraid of?

-People hating me
-Being thought of as a fake

Why would people hate you?

I'm sarcastic, i'm very outspoken, i continue arguments a lot of the time just for the sake of arguing, I'm a sellout, attention whore, I cause drama

Sarcastic? In what way?

Kinda like Werster. When I first watched him, he seemed very standoff-ish and seemed to argue with his chat a lot. I've come to respect Werster over time and I think he's an incredibly intelligent person, but I also believe that sort of sarcastic tone and attitude about him can drive people away.

Why worry about that? Why not just be yourself?

What even is "being yourself"? It's almost like some days I'm talkative with my chat, able to provide commentary and good conversation, then some days I'm a sarcastic douche when people ask questions and I feel guilty about it later. I want to be a nice person and not drive away those sort of people, but sometimes I just end up in that sarcastic "mode" and I can't tell if that's just me being me or if that's me being a douche and making a mistake that I need to be aware of and fix.

How would you like people (in the community) to perceive you then?

A nice guy able to keep up a conversation. A chill chat where my stream isn't as much of a "show" but more of a "sit down and have a chill conversation with me while I play video games" sort of deal. I'd also like to be perceived as mature and able to make smart decisions without acting too quickly or jumping to conclusions, but so far this has been difficult. I'm 21 but I still feel like a child, so I'm trying to grow up every day, using every day to better myself to become the best version of me I can be.

Outspoken?

A bit. Especially about the whole BBS thing. I go on tangents like this and I can tell this also drives away viewers.

Why care about driving away viewers?

I guess I care about growing my channel. This ties into the whole sellout thing. Does caring about how many viewers you get and actively making an effort to increase your fanbase/viewer count make me a sellout? Dunno.

You shouldn't change yourself to try and get more viewers.

I don't even know who I am. Is sarcastic, outspoken BB the real BB? Is chill, conversational BB the real BB? I don't know.

What other things do you do that make you think you're a sellout?

Recently I've been trying to stream only runs on my main channel on a consistent basis. I try and do testing/practice on hitbox or something. This entire last week I've been doing testing w/ CheatEngine on stream, I think sometimes about how I could be "improving" my channel by grinding runs instead. I think parts of speedrunning conflict with increasing your fanbase on Twitch. In my mind, viewers want to see runs or PB/WR Attempts, then the audience decreases when you move to practice and testing and casual stuff etc, but practice and testing are essential to improving and furthering the meta of a speedgame. So I try to do both, but it's hard.

What drama have you caused?

Idk, going rampant on Twitter about the layouts during the KH marathon thing. The talking about X-Keepers on ask.fm thing. And of course being outspoken and stuff idk. People have told me (though indirectly through ask.fm) that I cause a lot of drama and sometimes I don't represent the community well. That hurts when I want to be one of the "level-headed" ones I guess. Hell, even writing this pastebin will cause drama most likely.

Attention whore?

I've mentioned how I care what people think of me, care about growing my channel, cause drama. Maybe I secretly like the attention. I dunno. I can't tell myself, other people would have to tell me. Even writing this could be a form of me attempting to get attention. I just dunno.

Why would you be thought of as a fake?

"Why are you and Biz's name so similar? Is there a reason or just coincidence?"
This question, man, it gets to me. The last thing I want is to be considered the "Other Biz" or whatever. When people ask this question, jokingly or not, it reminds me of how I'm going to be compared to Biz till the end of time because of how similar our names are. I want to be my own person, but I feel like I'll never get to do that because of my name. Early on, before Biz started KH speedrunning, I remembered his vids from YT years ago and decided to pop in to say hi. The chat thought I was a fake account of Biz, and destroyed me. Sick first impression. Then, a few days later, when I was doing a KH2 run, I got raided by one of Biz's mods, but it was a hate raid. They just came in to say how I was shit and how Biz wouldn't have made that mistake blah blah blah. Fun stuff. I also remember when Spike first took KH2 WR back from me, Biz's chat had people saying "I'm glad BB doesn't have record anymore, he's such an asshole he never deserved it."

I don't think you're a fake BB <3. The people saying those things don't matter.

These words mean the world to me and I appreciate them every time I hear them. Self assurance is great. I wish I could shake off what other people say and not care, but for some reason I do, as illogical as it is.

Clearly you have some conflicting thoughts about Biz.

Yeah, I do. Everything in the paragraph above isn't Biz's fault, but I've always believed the chat is a reflection of the kind of person the streamer is, and Biz has quite the awful chat. I don't like how Biz compares to record and talks about record 24/7 when doing attempts, it makes it impossible to watch runs when the entire goal of the stream is to "beat you", I guess. I don't like how Biz talks about luck, like it's the one thing preventing him from getting good runs. Like "oh I could get record, the game just has to be nice to me" sort of mentality bugs me a lot. His commentary is also not my style, it's almost strictly about the game, which is bland to me.

Jealous?

To some degree yeah, I guess I am jealous.

Dang, you hate Biz? Way to go, asshole.

I don't think I hate Biz. I think if he didn't start running KH, I wouldn't be working so hard to improve my times. It's a rival sort of deal. I think he's done a lot to help the community and doesn't seem like a bad dude at all. I just have my gripes. I have my gripes about everyone. But if my gripes are what you would consider OMFG SHOTS FIRAGA'D or whatever, that's your decision I suppose.

You're just going to cause more Drama talking about Biz like this you know.

Probably. I'm sorry if there's a fallout as a result of this. I'm probably teetering between making this pastebin public or unlisted just because I'm afraid of what the result might be. But I believe in honesty. I believe being silent about these problems and letting them build up is worse than letting them out in the open.

Why not just talk to him about this yourself instead of making it a public pastebin you passive-aggressive asshole?

I dunno. It never plays out well in my head. Then again, the result of this pastebin going public doesn't go well in my head either.

What do you think will happen as a result of making this public?

I guess more people would hate me, which is one of my biggest fears. I guess it would cause drama, causing lots of people to think "dang, the KH community causing drama again, smh". I could become an outcast, from the KH community as well as the speedrunning community as a whole. I've seen how people are outcast in the speedrunning community. People like Mirrored, where he's sent death threats b/c he "ruined" Cosmo's run. I don't think it would be on that degree, but people might end up viewing me as "that guy", so idk. Seems like a lot of bad things would happen as a result of me making this public.

Any good things?

In a perfect world, people would be understanding of me and it would be resolved without anybody hating anyone. People would also appreciate that I was honest about it and willing to be vulnerable just so people could hear the truth. But I don't live in a perfect world, I know people's views of me will change as a result of this. Some might even hate me. I guess it just comes down to whether or not I care that those people hate me. Don't know if I'll ever overcome worrying about people's perceptions of me. Only time will tell.