accident

[All of this is internal monologue]

	I probably shouldn’t have had that last drink.

	Everything’s a little… spinny. I’ll just walk home. It’s not that far - I can walk it.

	Wow, how much DID I drink?

	It feels like my stomach is sloshing - it’s what I get for chugging water after I did all those shots.

	Still… it’s not like I get a promotion every day.

	That was a lot of champagne.

	… I should’ve peed before i left.

	Oh well.

	It’s not that far, & besides - I’m a grown ass man. I can hold my piss for a few blocks.

	This suit is… tighter around the middle than I’m used to, though. All that water. And my tie is choking me, I swear to god.

	Let me just… loosen it. I can surreptitiously loosen my belt too, i’m at a crosswalk, it’s like… eleven on a tuesday night. Who’s gonna care?

	They need to fix their busted hydrants - what are we even paying taxes for?

	All that water… running….

	Fuck.

	Let’s not think about that.

	Okay.

	Think about other things.

	Other things.

	… it’d be great if “the rain in Spain falls mainly on the plane” would stop circling my head like a fucking shark.

	No, not a shark.

	 A vulture.

	Over the ocean.

	My fucking… oh fuck.

	I need to pee.

	The pressure in my lower belly is just building & building & won’t stop, I think… fuck, my cock just twitched, I have to pee, oh god.

	Maybe if I get a boner I can at least stop worrying about peeing my pants.

	Oh god.

	Okay.

	Sexy.

	That porno, with the anal in the… pool.

	If I didn’t know better, I’d think my fucking subconscious was trying to get me humiliated.

	Oh god.

	This shouldn’t feel so good.

	It shouldn’t hurt so much either.

	God, what kind of sick pervert am I, getting horny over the fact that I have to pee so badly?

	My belly is throbbing, god, it feels… it feels like I’m going to burst.

	I can’t, like, rupture my bladder, right?

	It won’t explode.

	I won’t explode.

	I can’t explode.

	God, I need to pee so badly, oh god…. It hurts.

	I want to grab my dick - christ, that’s embarrassing. Imagine, a grown man in a nice suit, grabbing his dick & jiggling like a toddler.

	I should… god, I could just piss in an alley or something….

	No, I’d get arrested for that. I need to not be arrested. Especially for public urination.

	Oh god, now I’m thinking of that fucking… stupid song, god, I need to not laugh. If I start to laugh I’ll piss my pants. I can’t do that.

[in an Arlo Guthrie accent]

	“‘N they all went ‘n sat on the other side of the bench….”

	Oh god, no, okay, no, stop it, stop it, oh god….

	Okay.

	Serious thoughts.

	Calming thoughts.

	I’m in a hammock by the beach, the waves are….

	Goddamn it.

	Okay.

	Here’s the building, okay, smile at the doorman.

	… I am going to piss myself if I stop moving.

	Okay.

	I can pace. I’ll just pace in front of the elevator, wait for the elevator, c’mon, elevator, hurry it up, I know pushing the button won’t make it go any faster but i won’t have to think about how badly I have to piss.

	Okay.

	Waiting for the elevator, waiting for the elevator, waiting for the bus, waiting for the bus in the rain….

	[it’s a joke referenceing welcome to nightvale - there’s a song called ‘waiting for the bus in the rain’]

	… god, no, no, I’m not thinking about water, I’m not thinking about liquid, I’m not thinking about piss, I’m not thinking about how my entire lower belly is throbbing, I’m not thinking about how badly have to piss, god, I have to piss, I have to piss so badly, I have to… I…

	… fuck, the elevator arriving made me jump.

	Did I leak a little bit?

	Fuck, I don’t want to think about it.

	I’ll just… I’ll have it dry cleaned, fuck, press the button, press the button, press the.. Oh god.

	Nobody is in here there’s no camera, i can just… grab my dick, that’ll help, that’ll help, it has to help, maybe I’ll get hard, just long enough that I can just not worry about pissing myself, oh fuck, hurry up, hurry up, hurry up, hurry up, hurry uppppp…. Oh fuck… oh… fuck… I just need to squeeze a little harder, I just need to hold on… oh god, oh fuck, oh fuck, oh… god, okay, hold on, almost there, I can just rush inside, just gotta turn left, run right to the bathroom. Don’t even have to close the bathroom.

	Okay.

	Keys.

	Elevator door is open, fuck, okay, open, open, keys keys keys, fuck, oh god, oh god, I can’t let go, I can’t let go, fuck, I’m holding on so tightly, I’m gonna crease my pants, I’m gonna dent my dick, I don’t care, fuck, oh god, oh fuck….

	No!

	No, no, no, no, it can’t… I dropped my keys, I can’t bend down or I’ll pee, I can’t, I’m gonna… I’m… no, no, it’s just gushing out of me, fuck…

	[sobbing, panting, general distressed noises]

	No, no, no, it’s just… coming from between my fingers, no, god, it’s so… hot, it’s just gushing into my pants, it’s going down my leg, it’s soaking into the fabric, oh god… oh.. No.

	Oh no. I pissed my pants.

	I pissed my pants like a fucking baby.

	Oh god.

	Oh… fuck….

	[sob]