On Attachments

Arthur Rowan asks, "What's on your mind, Bei?"

 "A lot of things, really." She finds herself beginning to frown for the moment - both hands carefully clasped infront of her being. "I suppose that I was thinking about everything that happened. But moreso, what'll come form it." she says, her gaze beginning to drift elsewhere. "I don't think that I told you anything, but-...I don't know if Joy and I are friends anymore. And I don't know if I can really accept that she's just following behind Ostrava either." she murmurs.

 "I know that they didn't tell you- probably because they didn't want you to be mad but they wrote us off." she says softly. "Zetes told me that they didn't even think about searching for us- that they didn't even think that we were alive or anything like that." she murmurs, her frown deepening. "They were prepared to move on and...Zetes believes that it's because Ostrava doesn't like me." There is a strange air about her. Uncertainty. Rage. She loathes the reality of the situation, because out of everyone that she could have trusted here in the academy, she trusted Joy.

 "The ones who looked for us were the only ones that we were closest to. Rea, Zetes, and Theo...The rest of them wouldn't have even lifted a finger." But is it wrong of her to feel dejected? To be hurt?-...Or was it wise of them to not even bother?
(Bei Bei)

Truth is, Arthur already knew all of that- he wasn't surprised that not many would even lift a finger in order to search for them, and that they were abandoned just like that. It's not something that caused anger to Arthur, and while he was disappointed by such turn of events, he wasn't bothered by it.

Already, he realized that everyone's on their own, unless a stronger identity is created.

"I know about that."

"It's disappointing, but that's just how reality is. Not everyone that acts nice to you would actually be there for you when you need them. But ah-- I don't hold that against them."

"Just... need to know who's your real ally in the future, you know?"

Perhaps he's been adopting the Arcane philosophy far too much as well, but it's something that Arthur learned to accept early on. It would be better if she learned to accept it too.
(Arthur Rowan)


He knew? It shows the difference between the two within this particular moment. That her own fires were just as passionate as the emotion that she held. That this strange, odd disappointment that filled her being for others...had become genuinely bloated from such an experience. "It would have been different, you know." she says softly. "If they were captured...I would have jumped into the fray for them. I would have done everything that they didn't do for us." Bothersome, truly but..

 She just doesn't understand.

 "They are our allies though. And if we don't really do things for one another, then how are we gonna have any type of 'work together'?" she questions. "We cant just let each other go at the drop of a hat...That's how we die. That's how things go bad, right?" she says, frowning.

 "I-..I shouldn't ask you these things since I know better but I can't help it. It's hard. Way harder than anything else- especially when I thought that Joy was my friend." Sad. However, this is a part of growth.

 "Maybe it's just different for us both."
(Bei Bei)

Whatever the cost, Arthur was ready to give up many things for what he wished to achieve in the future. As for those that surrounded him? He mostly didn't care. Only people such as Bei Bei actually held some value to him, or his brother- if ill fate would befall the majority of Valmasian population, he would still continue his work, elsewhere.

That is not to say he doesn't care entirely. Of course, he would still protect them... the only difference is, he wouldn't sacrifice much for their sake. Just as they didn't sacrifice anything for his.

"Are they, though?"

"We fight under same banner. We're residing in Valmasia. We must assist each other, as people fighting for same cause would, but, ah-- I suppose I picked wrong word. Yes, they're allies."

"But not friends."

"People fight for the reasons they don't know, and die for the cause that they do not understand. Theyoften abandon everything, or fail to care to begin with, just because they thought it was the right thing to do."

"Perhaps Joy didn't wish to abandon you. Perhaps she wished to go after you too - it was her choice, however, to not give it a try."

"And what you make out of it? That's on you."
(Arthur Rowan)


We're allies, but not friends. The truth of the matter is what stings the most. She visibly winces at the thought of not being friends - visibly finds herself shrinking at the thought of losing all of her friends that she swore to protect for what seemed to be complicated issues. "You always have a way of making things sound so terribly easy." As if he were disconnected from reality itself. But maybe, it's because Arthur truly did not have much of 'anybody' here outside of his own brother and her.

 "I don't think that separating from others could be that easy but-....I suppose that you're right." Does she allow this impression of Joy to stay on her heart or does she simply drown it out with thoughts of positivity and passion? If only for the moment, she finds herself beginning to smile briefly.

 "I suppose I know what to do, though." She wouldn't be petty about the situation. She wouldn't be angry or upset...Instead, she would be just as she was years and years ago. Happy to do all that she can. But still, express herself in ways that no other woman cannot. "I hate you." She leans against her form, idle laughter spilling past her lips.

 "I do...I really do. But, I love you too.." For the worst reasons, but in the best way. "In any case, think you're prepared for war?"
(Bei Bei)

Something changed about Arthur.

How he perceives the world, how he acknowledges others, and how he treats others too. There's... an odd coldness to him, a bitter frost that stings- and yet, his expression remains apathetic, unchanged, unmoving, uncaring. Perhaps, among the things he needed to sacrifice in order to achieve the greater power, was the piece of humanity?

"It is easy."

"While indulging in the others is fine, if they strain you or make you lose your focus, you should cut them off. If anyone is to be called your friend or partner, they should share the same nature as you, and they should be ready to assist."

"If they don't? You never really were friends, to begin with."

The flicker of scarlet hues stretch to the horizon before them, and he sharply inhales. There's a silence to him, before he hears - 'I hate you, but I love you too.'

Maybe he didn't notice before, but... were they even the same as before?

"Mm."

"I'm ready for war. You do not need to concern yourself about me. Do tell, however--"

"What causes your hate, and your love?"
(Arthur Rowan)

She doesn't remember the Rowan being this cold. Bei once believed apathy to be a form of guilt. She once believed that those who were emotionless within this manner were only that way because they could not cope properly with the rest of the world around them. But when she stands beside Arthur, she finds that it's different. That these feelings that she possesses are so different than what he seemed to express. It's..Odd and difficult to say the least.

 "But not everyone will be the same as me and you. Not everyone will do the things that we do or might feel confident enough to do so. I feel like there's a good reason behind all of this...Although I shouldn't be optimistic about it, I think that atleast one person in this city should smile." she adds, nodding slightly..

 "I think though, that my own hate for you is different- I suppose. It's not like regular hate, but I suppose that jealousy is a good word for it. You're really logical and different. You're really strong and because of that- I think that I hate how much I envy you. Sometimes though, I think that it's bad and maybe..." she trails off, her gaze drifting off. "Maybe, sometimes, I feel as if I can be more of a burden on you than anything else. You're very independent already and I was just in the way a lot in the past." She knew the moment that she had gotten captured was the moment that she made things ten times as dangerous for him, especially, since she was used as 'leverage' at one point.

 "And I love you because of who you are. Because of how you make me feel although.." There was uncertainty, anticipation. Did she feel as if there was a strange rift between the two? Does she think that maybe...At the end, some things like this could not work out? "Although I know things like relationships aren't good for everybody, I think that you're good for me. And to me." There is an odd silence at the end, accompanied by the passing of faint images.

 In the end, she knew that things aren't the same as they were before. Perhaps, it's because the two of them are older...Perhaps, it was because of their own experiences. Or maybe, it was the apathy that she hadn't been accustomed to that made her feel so...Alien. In the end, she finds that it's impossible to really hold back but..

"I'm sorry."
(Bei Bei)

Ah. Her jealousy for him, a reminder of old days, when he used to feel far more... humane, than now. It's not to say that he didn't feel anything at all, no- in fact, the emotions he felt were as heightened as never before. It's the control over them that he established, it's the disconnection from distractions that plagued his mind before.

Truly, he's grown independent. Perhaps too much.

"I remember your jealousy. Actually, now that I look back at it, the said jealous is actually the reason of your attachment, not your hatred- perhaps, entirely so. And yet, you simply... loathe the feeling."

The scarlet hues turned towards her. There was indeed uncertainty, an obvious rift between the two, one that sparked from questions spilling through and the doubt he had in his mind- evidently, she had a doubt of her own as well. The more they walked together, the more questions appeared as if this would even work out at all.

Andhe didn't know any certain answer for that.

"At times, though, I do not think you truly hold any feelings for me."

"I think you've grown attached to, hm... as you stated, what I am. You fell in love with my confidence, with my strength, with my lack of fear, with my success. You've grown attached to what you perceive, and not what you actually feel about me - it is why you loathe what you feel."

"It would be the same as falling in love for what I bring to you, for the benefit that I give to you, for the inspiration you draw from me. It is not real love, not a real feeling, but a mere attachment to what you're used for."

A pause. He doubted if she was, in fact, feeling anything for him- a destructive sort of questioning inside his mind, one that was now directed at her.

"Am I wrong, Bei Bei?"
(Arthur Rowan)

Perhaps, she had looked into these matters in the wrong light. She never understood how someone could be so strong that they could stifle these emotions. Nor would she ever know what it would be like to bottle up these sensations and then, 'release' them in such a way through magic. As devastating as it might appear to be - she learns that it is what gives Arthur the 'aura' that so many people see. The impossible power, the illusions of grandeur and strength. He made the impossible look possible. He made so many things that seemed hard look so effortless. But in the end, what comes from this feeling that she possesses? This strange, uncertainty?

"I.." She trails off for the moment, her gaze drifting down to her hands as she murmurs a few ineligible matters, before mumbling. "It's not that.." Bei knows what love is. She had experienced it when she ran back into his arms for the second time...She experienced the heartache that was there when she thought that she had lost him. And even now, even the mere thought almost frightens her. Almost.

 She could never be in love with the concept of love. She could never be in love with the emotions- nor the feedback that comes with being beside him. "I love you for everything that you are." Her words are silent, her hands pressing together infront of her own chest. "Your power...The way that you stand are nothing but a small part of how I really feel." she adds, a mild frown appearing on her features.

 Maybe she was lying to herself.
 Or maybe, she needed him more than what he would have expected.

"You're wrong because I don't know what I'd do without you still- I just-....Thought it was natural for us to be competitive in that light." Because she looks up to him. Because she wants to better herself...Not just for anybody, but for him. "I'm not sorry because I feel like something's...different. I'm sorry because sometimes, I don't feel like I'm enough for you. Especially, when I want to give you everything- even when I can't." Sad, truly. But, it's there.

 "I'm still yours, even when it might not feel like it...That is, until you don't want me anymore." After all, it is his decision. And in the event that he does not - then she would not make things a hassle for him. She would make herself scarce in his heart.
(Bei Bei)

It was a test.

In a sense, he wished to know what exactly she felt towards him- was it just an attachment to things he could offer to her, or was it genuine feeling of love that she felt? At times, he didn't know, no matter how much she expressed to him that way. At times, even a thought of her betrayal ran through his mind - whether it's because the negativity of Chaos was settling in his mind, or his own bad thoughts, that'd be another story entirely.

But he listens to her explanation carefully. The scarlet hues keep their sights on her, observing her with the cold glare to them- she was passionate and warm, while he was distant and apathetic. Although, hearing her explain everything she felt, he needed to peer deep within himself.

Did he still feel anything to her, at all?

He didn't know right away. Different sources of influence poured into his mind, his heart and his soul, just as she warned him so many years ago, when he only started his path- and now, it became reality. While not completely fallen, such influence was irresistible, and it was slowly settling in.

Perhaps, she was slowly losing him without realization.

"--No."

Something stung at his heart. Something humane, something... weak, the inability to let go of her, even if he wanted. While delving into Chaos, such feelings were not beyond him just yet, and he could not let go of them.

"I still need you."

A silent mutter spilled from his lips, and the eyes were averted towards the ground. Just like that, he stood silent, motionless- for him, enough was said.

And he didn't wish to open up more.
(Arthur Rowan)