reflections

yesterday i felt like i had things i needed to emotionally process but wasn't sure what they were

now that i've had a bit more sleep and my brain is working a little better
1. it's hard to feel like the tournament was a success? as in i clearly perceive that others had a great time both at the event and from their reactions afterwards, but actualizing this emotionally is abnormally difficult. might have to do with the financial situation of the event itself, but i don't think that's it at all.

i actually almost feel like i'm waiting for someone to surprise me with an emotional account of their experience. everything i've read was within my expectations, so i just want to be pleasantly caught off guard or something?
we recorded a lot of interviews, so i think when we get the interviews up i might see some things to help this aspect emotionally resolve itself.

2. based on sami's feedback + re-reading journals, i'm satisfied with my progress recently but do not feel like a 'competitor'. in terms of the act of competing, i don't think i have a "killer instinct" that i really admire in my favorite players + peers. in terms of the act of improving, i have an incredibly difficult time internalizing concepts relative to my expectations. this is more than likely misaligned expectations, but it also probably has to do with how bad my execution is.

3. i need to take a step back from TO'ing for a really long time, or i at least need to change the way i'm involved. it's not something you can do out of 'hate', per se, but after leading the circuit i realized that a lot of the time, i choose to host out of a sense of exasperated obligation (i.e. everyone else is going to fuck it up so i have no choice). i don't think that's sustainable by any means. a good hint that this is truly the case is that something i feel the happiest about w/r/t the circuit is that the two ppl who ended up being my right hand men are really motivated to do it more now and be a leader in that way.