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- Zombie Sketch
- -------------
- (A doorbell rings. A front door opens.)
- CHRIS
- Urgh!
- FEMALE ZOMBIE
- Charming!
- MALE ZOMBIE
- Oh dear.
- CHRIS
- I'm terribly sorry. It's just that you're both zombies.
- MALE ZOMBIE
- Well, rest assured, we're not going to be doing anything horrifying.
- CHRIS
- Oh, good.
- FEMALE ZOMBIE
- The media spreads such lies about us...
- CHRIS
- Well, erm... can I help you?
- MALE ZOMBIE
- Well, we've been wandering around this town aimlessly for about twenty five years now, and we're wondering if you've got any food or drink.
- FEMALE ZOMBIE
- Normal food and drink.
- MALE ZOMBIE
- Yes, yes.
- CHRIS
- Well, I'm not really running a cafe here...
- MALE ZOMBIE
- Yes, we know, we do apologise...
- FEMALE ZOMBIE
- But a donation to us can be written off as being tax deductible.
- CHRIS
- Oh really? Well... alright then.
- MALE ZOMBIE
- We'd like a plain rich tea biscuit.
- FEMALE ZOMBIE
- Two plain rich tea biscuits.
- MALE ZOMBIE
- Two plain rich tea biscuits for the both of us.
- FEMALE ZOMBIE
- And a glass of water.
- CHRIS
- Two glasses of water?
- MALE ZOMBIE
- No, just the one.
- FEMALE ZOMBIE
- We can share.
- CHRIS
- ...Right. Do you need any plates to go with the biscuits?
- MALE ZOMBIE
- What do you think, darling?
- FEMALE ZOMBIE
- They would be helpful in catching any crumbs.
- CHRIS
- Right. So that's... two plain rich tea biscuits, one glass of water, and... two plates?
- MALE ZOMBIE
- Yes.
- CHRIS
- Okay.
- (Chris walks off to the kitchen)
- MALE ZOMBIE
- Very nice man.
- FEMALE ZOMBIE
- Oh yes, very nice.
- MALE ZOMBIE
- Exceedingly so.
- FEMALE ZOMBIE
- Oh, above and beyond.
- (Chris returns. He gives them their stuff.)
- CHRIS
- There you go. Two biscuits, two plates, and a glass of water.
- FEMALE ZOMBIE
- Oh! The biscuits *are* rich tea ones, aren't they?
- CHRIS
- Yes.
- FEMALE ZOMBIE
- And they're plain?
- CHRIS
- Yes.
- FEMALE ZOMBIE
- That's wonderful.
- MALE ZOMBIE
- How will we return the plates and the glass after we're done?
- CHRIS
- Oh, mail them back when you're able. You've taken note of my address, haven't you?
- FEMALE ZOMBIE
- I have a photographic memory.
- MALE ZOMBIE
- I have a very good memory.
- CHRIS
- Okay, great.
- MALE ZOMBIE
- Just one other thing - in another twenty five years time you'll probably get another pair of zombies wanting some food and drink. So now you'll know what to give them.
- CHRIS
- That'll save some time, yeah.
- FEMALE ZOMBIE
- Well, thank you!
- MALE ZOMBIE
- And don't forget to mention this on your next tax return.
- CHRIS
- Oh, don’t worry, I won’t. Well, bye.
- (The door closes. They begin to shamble off.)
- MALE ZOMBIE
- Very nice man.
- FEMALE ZOMBIE
- Yes, very nice.
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