Thread 20: Stories 31-45

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>SA
"Chrysalis"
'???'
~~~~~~

>...So you can-

"Eat wood, yes! And NOT get sick!"

>So... why?

"Meh, Isoptera used to live in a giant forest area, so whenever she wanted to make a death look like an accident she would just eat through a tree and have it crush them. Worked out great for building shelters too. And selling logs. And it's what introduced her to most of the lumberjacks she slept with... wood pulp a pretty great insulator too, so their winters weren't all that horrible."

>...this all sounds pretty useful.

"They're not ALL useless. Just... specific. They all have reasons why they were made."

>So what happened to her? Sounds like she had a pretty cushy life.

"She did... but cushy wasn't really enough for her. She tried expanding beyond the forest, built a giant war machine that was even taller that Chitania at her biggest!"

>Wow.

"Yeah. Invited all the Queens to watch as she 'crushed pony kind' Got right to the height of her speech and said "CHARGE!"... and then it collapsed under it's sheer weight, and smushed her."

>Waa wa waaaaaa.

"Heh, think you guys still have the remains of that thing, but your archeologists thought it was a 'totem of the gods' or something stupid like that. Think they think an 'ancient buffalo' tribe did it, the assholes."

>...Can I tell Twilight?

"What?"

>Twilight read about that, I'm sure she'd love to correct it. Would you mind if I told her a Changeling built that instead?

"..."

>...Well?

"...No, you'd better not tell her."

He let out a long, tired sigh.

>Alright, your call. Sorry.

"But... maybe I could mention it. At least that way I can only tell her the parts she needs to know about."

Slowly, he began to smile.

>Your call.

"Mine? Finally! Shiny, I order you to get behind me, put my face to the floor and make me SCREAM!"

>Nope.

"YOU LIED!"

>Well, you know me. Mister untrustworthy.
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>Celestia
"Spike"
~~~
>Spike, are you still preparing for your expedition?

"Yep, come on in."

Celestia enters and nearly bumps her head

>We must get you a bigger room some day.

"Eh, I'm good. So what's on your mind."

>I just... Wanted to wish you good luck and to be careful. I also brought you this pendant. You can use it to light the way, and for brief moments use it to create a blinding light which will not affect you.

"Thank you. Guess that's two things from you I'm bringing."

>Two-? Oh! the trident, that old thing. Wow, I remember that from when you helped save Canterlot from the empowered Cockatrices.

"Yeah..."

>... You were very helpful even then you know.

"Thank you. I know we haven't been as close as we used to be-"

>For good reasons. I mean I've sort of unintentionally pulled the wool over you and Twilight's eyes by letting you think I was wiser and cared more than I did.

"No, you did care as much, if not more than we thought. You were just overwhelmed. If I had been a better friend, I might have noticed and offered you a hand."

>But there we so many times I should have been there for you and instead asked you to give up your childhood so Twilight could-

Celestia blinks as Spike hugs her

"You were there for me when I needed you most, and so was Twilight. What is good in me now began with what you two taught me. Thank you. I love you... Mom."

>I-I'm not crying... I'm not crying.

"I am."

Celestia smiles and returns the hug
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>42
"18"
~~~~~

>18...

"Oh no, the serious voice. Not the serious voice, anything but that. Noooo...."

>This is a serious matter. I have learned that you granted some of your love to the traitor. This is... a most unfortunate decision on your part.

"As was your choice to spend all those bits on that weird balm."

>MY HOOVES NEED-... Ahem. Your actions are very unwise, and sends an unfortunate message to your brothers and sisters that his behavior is tolerated. It is not. If you continue to act in such a manner, I shall be forced to-

"Give me more pouty lips?"

>I AM NOT POUTING!

"Awww, you are adorable!"

>18! THIS IS SERIOUS!

" 'Dis is sewious!' "

>18!

"42! HIKE!"

>TAKE ME SERIOUSLY!

"Pfthahaha. Oh, 42, no way can I take you seriously. Come on, what am I going to do, help him escape? Look, I was just posturing a bit, I think the asshole is fucking nuts, and those mindgames he plays are pathetic. Just trying to show him what real love feels like, that's all. I think he's an idiot, and I'm glad he's locked up. Shouldn't have gotten dragged into an argument with him, but I was there, he started talking, and eeeeehhhhh... things happened. Alright?"

>...I... I suppose that is justifiable.

"In other words, 'I don't want to fight my best friend!' You can just say it."

>Well... I don't.

"Good. Now, either you can sit here and listen to me rant a bit on how stupidly expensive our cleaning bill is, or you can go and pout at someone else."

>...Not pouting.

"I will pinch your cheeks."

>Fine, I'm leaving. Sorry for insinuating you were less than trustworthy.

"Meh, just doing your job. It's fine."

>No, it isn't. I'm sorry.

"Apology will be accepted once you get me some more caramel bonbons."

>Those are so fucking expensive!

"TOO BAD!"

>...Yeah, guess so. See you later, 18.

"Later."

It was only after the hoofsteps became quiet that her eyes rolled in mirth.

"She's too adorable sometimes."
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>32
"77"
~~~~~

>Back so soon, 77? You must be getting bored.

"I was actually hoping you had any other information compiled that would help Spike."

>No, I'm afraid you've tapped me dry. What a pity.

"Shame..."

>...77? Would you mind answering a question I have?

"How I long for a time when you could ask that, and I would feel anything else but dread."

>Why not go with them? Has your cowardice really grown so out of control that you will not even help your friend in a time of need?

He let out a deep, shaking sigh, and came to sit against the wall on the other side.

"No... I was... considering going. What happened down there was a nightmare even now I am not sure I am going to wake up one morning to find I am still trapped in, but the lives of my comrades are worth facing it."

>Then tell me, why are you still here?

"...She won't let me go."

>HAH! I knew it! Pulled on your leash like an errant dog the moment you tried to leave her, and you heeled right at her hooves like the bitch you are!

Smugly, he waited for the futile backlash, the name calling, the declarations of his independence or her Majesty's brilliance, something.

He waited for a long, long time.

>Well? Nothing to say? Or has she not given you the right to speak to me, and your slow witted brain finally caught up with her orders?

Nothing.

>WHY EVEN COME DOWN HERE IF YOU AREN'T GOING TO TALK TO ME!?

"...Because she gave me hope again."

>...What!? Hope for what you naive idiot?

"Hope that you can leave that cage and come home again."

He reeled back as if he had been struck, disgust on his face.

>And what makes you think that incompetent ninny has any choice in the matter?

"Currently, my Queen is the only reason you will never leave here. The other issues, assaulting us, can be pardoned by Applejack or Celestia, and would not carry a life sentence regardless. But you went too far when you went after her."

>She still breaths, I clearly did not go far enough.

"So long as she lives and does not forgive you, it is Equestrian law that you will never see the light of day. The unprovoked attempt on a royals life is... inexcusable. I want you to be given a chance, others want the same thing... but so long as she says no, there is nothing anyone can do. You will die in here."

>That is unavoidable, is it not? As if that maggot would ever consider letting a single one of us run around if we were not crushed beneath her hoof, that poisonous free will coursing through our minds! She will never release me, because I dared to show her she was wrong and attack her! I dared to be the one who finally stood up to her and tried to take her empty head! And what did you do!?

"Ignored her when she offered to let me try to kill her."

It was as if the very air in the prison had died, leaving a rank, pungent smell.

>Y-you... LIES! You lie to my face as badly as you lie to yourself! She is so obsessed with her survival she would never dream of letting someone like you kill her!

"You are correct. She made it clear she would easily defeat me and would survive the attempt. She never had any plan of dying by my blade."

>Then what good is it!?

"She thought it would make me feel better."

>...

"It did, but not in the way she intended. She gave me hope, 32. She gave me hope that one day, you'll understand what I'm trying to say to you, and she will pardon you. She gave me hope that... that this doesn't have to be the end. For either of us. I wish you would just let me help you."

>...That you would think I would ever ask for forgiveness is more insulting than anything you have ever said to me, 77.

"Brother I-"

>Get out.

"Please, just let me-"

>GET OUT!

There was nothing more to say after that, he knew. Sadly... he obliged.

Alone, the once proud infiltrator flipped what spare furniture he had in anger.

And tried his best to ignore that feeling he couldn't' understand.
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>Chitania
"Museum Pony"
'???'
~~~~~

>So, according to this tablet, at one point a 'greater being' came down from the heavens, kissed a cherry, and this somehow made apples.

"Indeed!"

>Hrm, that contradicts with the information presented by the Saddle Arabians that apples and cherries were made at the same time, along with all other fruits and vegetables, by a grand being trying to save her daughter from being dragged into tartarus.

"Oooh! A fan of the myths as well! My my, you are a learned one."

>Whatever.

"Do you travel much? I'm noticing a lot of liturature from various places in your... uh, you popcorn machine. Aren't flies a problem?"

>The bug zapper does it's job well.

"Goodness my goodness! However do you afford to move around so much?"

>Brooders.

"... Come again?"

>I said... wait, hold on, they have a new name now... damn, what do you guys call them... PIMPS! That's their new name, PIMPS! I go find a pimp when I need some of your currency.

"...O-oh... had no idea you were... like that."

>How do you not? I punched out three guards across the street not fifteen minutes ago.

"...What does that have to do with pimps?"

>Well, back in the day if you wanted money, you found a stallion who was selling time with some broodmares, you know, brooders. But not only was this illegal, most of the broodmares were runaways or prison escapees or outlaws or what have you, which meant they couldn't go to the guards. So if you wanted money, you found a brooder, robbed him, and he couldn't go to the guard because he couldn't risk letting them see his operation. See? Free money!

"...Do they ever get mad?"

>I don't know, let's ask!

Next thing he knew, they were out back behind the museum, and she was opening up a garbage can lid.

>Hey! You mad?

'MY LEEEEEEEEEEGGGGGGSSSS!'

>He doesn't sound mad, so I guess not!

"..."

>Now, about this other god, the one with six wings...
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>42
"SA"
~~~~

>Okay... hooves are glimmering like diamonds, so next part... 'apply the lip gloss liberally but evenly on surface of lips'... 'fluent strokes will give best results'... what the hell does fluent mean in this context? Swift? Forcefully? Easily? Why are these things so vague!?... It's fine, I'll just... I'll just wing it. Can't be that hard, Cadence does it all the time, and I'm pretty sure I saw her mess up the directions for how to work a marker on a dry erase board. Okay, looks... finished. I'll say that and move on before my brain fully processes it. Next with the blush- do I bleed red? It doesn't show up past my... you know what, I'll wing this. This looks nice enough.... okay! Mascara! Apply under eyes fluent- OH FUCK YOU! Why does everyone say 'fluent' and then just assume we know!? It's fine. I can do thi-... Ah. Should not have picked this shade of black. This is literally identical to my chitin tone... maybe I can mix it with the blush? That might work, the blush is powdery, this is kind of liquidy, they should blend okay... And I am wrong. This is- no no, this is a disaster.... You know what? It's fine. He won't notice it anyway.... Shampoo! Of course I need to shampoo this thing, it's practically ratty at this point. Just nice, easy lathering, and I should... in hindsight, shampoo first, all other makeup second. This is a learning experience, 42. We are learning from this. We are learning that this is going all over the floor and staining my carpet, and thus you should not have done this... but it's okay! I just need to dry most of it, and I will- smear it all over my face, is what happened.... okay, just because my face looks like I tried to dunk my head in a vat of ground up clowns does not mean this is a disaster, we can salvage this. I just need to get it off, go 'borrow' some more beauty supplies from Cadence, and this whole thing will-

"Hey, 42? My armor's missing, have you seen-..."

>...

The expected responses were, horror, bursting into laughter, running away before she tore his head off, and finally pretending he didn't see anything.

"...Hmmm..."

Contemplative interest was unexpected.

Equally as unexpected was his sudden movement towards her bed, wherein he plucked her helmet from where she had set it, and carefully placed in on her head.

"There we go! Looking good, 42, little bit too much eye shadow, but you make it work."

How the hell he managed to sound so sincere when she looked like a rejected design for a clown serial killer would forever elude her.

>You... you really think so?

"Yeah. Well, okay, you don't look any better than normal."

And just like that, her head transmutated into a solid block of lead.

>Oh... g-guess I was being silly.

"Yeah, you always look beautiful, no need for the fancy stuff."

And then changed right back into a marshmallow.

>R-really?

"Sure. Trust me on this, I tell it to Cadence all the time, but she never listens. Can't throw more paint on perfection, I say."

>Y...y-yeah. Guess I shouldn't have bothered.

"Ahhh, don't be like that, Cadence has a ton of fun putting that stuff on! You two should get together, she'd love to share tips with you, goes nuts when anyone asks her."

>Yeah... that sounds nice.

"It will be, trust me... Oh! Have you seen my armor?"

>You left it in Shatterhoof's locker, he's afraid to touch it.

"Damn, I'm scatterbrained. Hey, whenever you're done, want to do some more training?"

>...I'd like that.

"Great! See you later!"

>See you...

As casual as can be, he left. Leaving behind a Changeling with smeared, ugly colors all over her face... and feeling like she was the most beautiful creature on the planet.

Away from her room, Shining Armor let out the breath he was holding, and silently thanked the heavens for all of his experience with Cadence.

He didn't understand mares, but he at least understood that much.
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>32
"Twilight"

>One million! Aha! I...I've been in here a while...one million and one...

"32!"

>Huh, no glasses, a quickened heartbeat, and a sense of urgency tinged with excitement in your voice. This must be important.

"I-wha-gah, nevermind! Look, I need some more information on the Morlocks."

>Do you now, well I'm fine to fork it over...hey my nose looks alright, doesn't it?

"Uh...yeah, why?"

>I swear that buffoon in the helmet broke it earlier when she headbutted me. The recent love infusions must have contributed to my healing process.

"Why did 42 headbutt you?"

>I may have implied the Queen was a subpar gutterwhore that couldn't woo a common gigolo, much less the paragon of monogamy that is your brother.

"...that's a lot of implication."

>Isn't it just?

"I'll see what I can do about upping the security here to make sure something like that doesn't happen again."

>Damn, there goes suicide by headwear.

"We'll...work on that later. Now, the Morlocks?"

>Right, yes, what is it you wish to know?

"A few things...how advanced are they?"

>When I left them in the robot's capable lack of hands, I had gotten them to where they weren't cannibalizing their young and were employing ambush tactics on some of the larger beasts to create something of a reliable food supply. On, also tents, they figured out how to make tents.

"Any thoughts toward...trading?"

>Trading? Not as such, they were still struggling with fire, let alone making something to let them walk in the daylight. Even then they had to have something TO trade and that robot would have to worked a miracle to...

32 looks Twilight in the eyes.

>No...

"Yeah."

>No.

"Yes."

>How...I...

A range of emotions seem to cross 32's face, disbelief, happiness, pride...to Twilight's shock he settles on fear.

>Oh no...no no no no no NO!

"32, what's-"

32 throws himself against the bars, eyes wild.

>They cannot know I am here, do you understand!? They cannot!

"What are you talking about, why-"

>If they know I'm in a dungeon they'll try to get me out!

There is a twitch in his eye, a look of abject paranoia.

>The timing of this is all wrong, damn that robot, he must have tried to introduce trade as a way of getting raw materials...damn him, damn him for a fool!

"32!"

Twilight manages to break through 32's rambling and get his attention.

"What is wrong about this timing?"

>I'm still alive!

32 slips away from the bars, pacing back and forth in his cell.

>If I were dead you could tell them anything, that I passed in my sleep, that I died of some illness, but if I'm alive all they'll see is their leader in a cage. They'll demand my release and that...that way leads trouble. If you say no, they won't just let it drop...

"And if we say yes?"

>We both know she'll intervene. She's circling me right now, the second I leave this cage, I'm as good as dead. And then...then...

32's look becomes far away.

>War...war that the Morlocks will lose...done in by a race that was given chance after chance before they could even be given a first one. The Queen will cull them all, destroy them, all to bury my memory and salt the earth.

Twilight looks horrified at 32's prediction.

"What...what makes you think we would let her get away with that?!"

>Why wouldn't you? You've done it so many times before...invasions, sedition, assault from a giant rage-filled creature? Compared to those, doing away with a bunch of pests beneath your capital is practically a service, don't you think?

"You can't seriously believe this..."

32's answer lies in his eyes, the emptiness, the brokenness, there's no calamity he wouldn't consider befalling him at one point, no depravity he couldn't imagine the denizens of his hive would inflict on him for his treason.

>They're all I have left...please...tell them I'm in another country, tell them I'm working, tell them I went to space for all I care. But they cannot know I'm here.

"I...alright. I'll spread word to the other Princesses of the possibility. It shouldn't be hard to keep a lid on this. Just, can you do one thing for me?"

>What?

"Try and hold out, alright? It doesn't look like it sometimes, but we do want to help you, and trying to get yourself killed isn't helping."

>If it means their survival, I'll cling to what shreds of hope I can.

"All I ask."

Twilight leaves, 32 sits down slowly, sighing.

>I...I lost count...one, two, tree, four...
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>Applejack
“Rarity”
________

>So y’all were serious. This is happenin’ now, is it? One more fer’ the ‘stupid’ train on it’s way to numbskull city?

“That was surprisingly cohesive coming from you, darling.”

>Y’all gonna learn to stop mistakin’ my accent and natural silence fer’ dimwittedness, Rars.

“Oh, I saw that from day one. I just enjoy ruffling your apples.”

>…

Applejack crossed over to the fashionista as she modeled in front of a floor-length mirror, decked out in some diamond-studded boots with a pair of sparkling goggles.

“What do you think? Too much? I suppose covering the pickaxe in glitter is a tad excessive. Still, though, glitter….”

>Rars. Yer’ not goin’ on some dagblasted minin’ operation!

“Really? That’s good to know because I don’t own a pickaxe.”

>Yer’ fuckin’ with me right now, aren’t you?

“Only to switch you from the sourness of a granny smith apple and onto something sweeter, like the gala. You’re going to put yourself into an early apple orchard if you keep up this absolutely stressful level of worrying.”

The chuckle Applejack offered was wholly mirthless.

>Hawh, good one, mixin’ death jokes with my passion, yes, ever the clever mare, yup.

The mirror cracked quite easily when Applejack’s hoof impacted it, breaking up Rarity’s astonished looking reflection between the million little fragments.

>This ain’t funny, Rars.

“I would say not, dear. It would appear as though you cut yourself.”

A few drops of crimson were indeed dripping from Applejack’s hoof but the pain was gone from her, drowned out with adrenaline.

>It’s bad enough Spike’s dead-set on goin’, but now you…?

Rarity had picked the largest piece of undamaged glass and resumed her modeling, turning around to see how her flank looked in a pair of tight, form-fitting rubber pants.


“Hmmm, too much ‘oomph’, I think. Don’t want to give whatever’s down there incentive to have their way with me. Maybe short shorts? …Anyway, yes, dear. I am going along with Spikey-Wikey and that insufferable buffoon Blueblood. I swear just saying his name causes my stomach to shudder with disgust.”

>Why?

“Oh sweet Celestia, to list all the reasons would take more than a fortnight, Applejack! Suffice it to say, he’s of irrefutably despicable taste in most areas where a gentleman like Spike absolutely soars and prospers, darling.”

Applejack’s right eye popped without warning, yet she didn’t even so much as blink to that new chasm of discomfort. She remained glaring as though nothing had happened.

>Ya’ll know what Ah mean.

“How many apples is that off your life, every popped eye? I’ve always been curious.”

>…

“See, doesn’t feel too good when others ask insipid question, does it? The very fact that you’re asking that, asking why I’m going with Spike who plans to head into the deep, dark unknown caverns underneath the city of Canterlot… why, I think I may need to reevaluate how highly I respect you, darling.”

She wriggling out of the rubber pants and laid them out carefully on the bed, smoothing the stretchy material while very much aware of Applejack watching her like a hawk, that wounded hoof of hers long since lowered to the ground where there grew a small patch of scarlet.

“My decision to go with him has nothing to with trying to one-up you where our undying struggle for his affection is concerned.”

That struck Applejack so much that she blinked.

>Ah… wait, no- Ah never once thought that y’all would use this to-

Rarity continued over her, poised and collected.

“Yet in a way it does. I love Spike, dear, very much so. He’s so young, yet so brave and chivalrous, always running about with justice on his mind. Hmhmhm, you should hear some of the stories he tells Charity when he forgets I can hear through it… the idle little things he says are quite touching, knowing what he fights for, what he struggles for….”

>…

“But this? The journey into almost certain danger? That transcends our admittedly humorous attempts at winning him over. I expect nothing of this, I want no thanks, no medal of valor, no parade, and I do not expect Spike to suddenly shower me with returned love. Because I’m not doing this for him.”

The alabaster mare turned to fully face Applejack, a white strip of gauze floating just beside her in a hue of purple magic.

“I’m doing this for you.”

>Fer’ me?! Rars, what the fuck- Ah don’t even want HIM goin’ down there!

“Yes, but you know you can’t stop him. Do not lie to yourself, dear, for you are still the element of honesty by virtue and you know I speak the truth.”

The gauze began to slowly loop around Applejack’s hoof as she remained silent.

“Spike is a rare spirit, that’s easy to see, and if something gives off even slightest whiff of disturbing the peace, he’ll seek it out. That’s his life now, I see that. So do you. From start to finish, that’s how he’ll be, our little protector. So I go with him to take your place.”

>To take my… place…?

“Precisely. Knowing you can’t stop Spike, what got you most upset was the fact that you knew deep down you wouldn’t be able to accompany him, and that you had to pass down that all-important duty to the likes of, ugh… Blueblood, someone you don’t trust worth a saltlick. I am your proxy in this scenario, dear. Simply put, I don’t run Equestria. You and Celestia do, and to that extent, I’m far more expendable. I could perish today and Equestria wouldn’t miss a beat.”

>Rars, that’s not-

The gauze suddenly tightened and Applejack’s words transformed into a hiss of pain.

“It’s rude to interrupt, darling, very unprincess-like. Now, as I was saying, I can risk my life, immortality be damned. But you… you can’t, so because I know your apple wilts at the thought of our dragonboy going into the deep with a felon, I choose to go where you cannot. Where you shouldn’t. Because you are Princess Applejack and you have a world to run.”

>…

“…It should also be worth noting that a princess seen shedding tears is worse than them interrupting others, darling.”

But Applejack didn’t care. Tracks of water curved her cheeks as she flung herself at Rarity, embracing her sister-in-arms.

>Ah… Ah h-hate to ask this b-but please… p-please protect him, Rars, please….

Rarity returned the hug with a soft smile.

“As if you have to ask, dear.”

>Ah’m sorry… Ah’m sorry… Ah’m sorry…

She repeated the line over and over again, hardly understandable through her choked sobs.

“Goodness me, you are just breaking every rule in the princess codebook today, Applejack, really.”

>Thank you….

“It’s to early to thank me, I’m only doing what you would’ve done had our roles been reversed. You can thank me when I bring him back safely. Blueblood can catch himself on a stalagmite, however.”

Applejack gave a watery giggle and rubbed at her eyes.

>Y’all really are generous, doin’ this here.

“Don’t’ start praising me yet. I do plan on packing the rubber pants and short-shorts, darling.”

>Rars!

"Kidding. Where's 10 with her camera when you need her? That look on your face...."

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

>29
"MM"
'Trixie'
[Zecora]
~~~~~~

>With your legs! Kick with your legs!

"Faster already!"

'WHY IS TRIXIE THE ONE WHO HAS TO DO THIS!?'

>...What, seriously? You're asking why I don't go get the treasure at the bottom of the cove?

'YES!'

>...Does this poor blankeyed fool not see the gaps of air within my legs? Is she under the impression that the black material I call my skin is buoyant? Tis not, it is as if it were stone that guards my veins and ichor.

"I uh... I don't have a sexy way of putting it, I just can't swim. I'm afraid of the water."

[Indeed my friend, this is not something we ask on a whim. As we all know, zebras cannot swim.]

"I thought that was just a stereotype."

[...Nooooo....]

'*GASP!* WHERE IS THIS FUCKING TREASURE CHEST!?'

>...Why were you looking for a treasure chest? I said a box.

"He did. He said a box."

[Before you even reached the docks, he said 'in a box']

'That's what I said!'

"No, you said chest. Chest's are like... big. Boxes are... how big did you say it was?"

>...He says yaaaay big.

'...THAT TINY THING!?'

>Oh, I take it you located it?

'YOU SON OF A BI-UMF!'

"Wow, nice shot."

>My aim is improving.

'PTF!... I passed by that thing THREE TIMES!... HERE!'

>Huzzah! Now yon child of the seas long past, we can deliver you... oh, there's nothing inside, you just wanted me to get the box? Cool.

'...I DID ALL THAT FOR A BOX!? MOTHERFU-'

*FLASH!*

'MY EYES!'

>...On the positive side, she won't see the shark coming.

[...Damn. Hold still, my friend who is blue. Give me a second to get to you.]

"Hey, I thought you couldn't swim?"

[I lied.]

>...Well, I think the moral here is... something something assumptions stereotypes something... don't be a jerk.

"Also, ponies can't rub their eyes and swim?"

'GLURGL!'

>That too.
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

>Bat-mom
"Dadling"
~~~~

>Honey? Do you know what this is?

"Ah! You found it! I've been looking all over for my flippomatic!"

>...I was going to ask, but now I am afraid.

"Glad you inquired about my little invention here!"

>No I didn't.

"This is about to revolutionize the culinary industry, and allow me to make money which is nice! See, it works like this. There is a little spring on it, and the spring connects to the skillet like so, so when it come time to flip a pancake, viola! Here, I'll show you."

>I, uh, I'm noticing that's not anchored down.

"Well duh, how's it supposed to flip stuff if it's anchored down?"

>No, I mean to the-

*CRASH!*

"...You were going to say skillet, weren't you."

>I was.

"Well, I mean, we just have to wait for it to come down so-"

*WHAM!*

"IT BUUUUUUUUURRRRRNNNNS!"

>...I don't really know how you saw this ending.

"OH SWEET MERCY OF THE QUEEN IT'S GLUED THERE! THE PANCAKE IS GLUING IT TO MY HEAD!"

>Because this is pretty much exactly how I saw this going.

"AHHHHH!"
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

NON CANON

>AJ
"Celestia"
'Twilight'
~~~
Applejack walks in with a paper and pen

>Hey, Celestia, Ah got a question.

"And I have a THERMAL DETONATOR!"

'So that's where that went! Thank you, Princess, I need to dispose of this.'

"Aw, nuts..."

>Well, it's nothin' political 'r anythin', just workin' out a brain teaser thing to relax a lil'.

"Well, can't be too bad, what's the problem?"

>What's tha air speed velocity of an unladen swallow?

"African or European?"

>Ah, don' know, doesn' speci- WHAAAA!

Applejack is suddenly wrapped in a golden hue different from Celestia's and forced to cartwheel and flip off the nearest balcony

>Ah'm okay!

'Princess, how do you know-?'

"You need to know these things to be princess."

'No, I mean how did you know what the hell Europe and Africa were? I'm the one who's been the human world."

"... I don't know?"

Celestia now goes flipping off the balcony screaming
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Definitely non-canon
>29
"Luna"
'32'
[Chitania]
~~~
In a bizarro world where Chitania's rampage was a lot less destructive (no deaths), Pommel was not eaten, and she was stopped sooner and taken prisoner...

"Forsooth, doth our eyes deceive us or do we perceive a second changeling queen in our court?"

>Your eyes are not fooled, your majesty, they instead behold the ancient queen once frozen in the abyss and now free from purgatory!

'Hark, two adversaries to the liberation of the hive?'

[Arrest thy anxieties, for I am placated, but thy chatter may drive me to frenzy if thou persists!]

"Changeling or pony, we profess our joy we meet others who speak our language."

[Verily! To think the false goddess and other monarchs hath let language fall so lax!]

>One mare, or even a hundred can do so much, tis the people whom the fault lies with! They hurry with speech and trample it in their haste!

'But is it not the responsibility of a princess to her nation to provide fair education so all might learn proper speech and not incoherent slurs?'

[Ye speaks truths, but thou brother speaks truths as well.]

"Hark! A machination sets into motion in our mind!"

A week later, Chitania, Luna, 29, and 32 opened a school of language arts, first in Canterlot, and it would spread to all Equestria, the Empire, and the Griffon Kingdoms

And in this new world, Rarity rose to power whilst Applejack was cast down.
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Princess Applejack sat on the side of a small hill on the edge of Sweet Apple acres. The sun was beginning to set on one of Ponyville's famously beautiful days. A small breeze crept through the tall grass, weaved between the gnarled trunks and roots of the apple trees, and pounced on the seated alicorn to bat and tug at her mane. It also swept a few stray tears from her chin to land in the beaten Stetson hat she was twirling in her front hooves.

Applejack was thankful for the wind drying her eyes as she heard frantic galloping coming over the rise behind her. "Applejack! Sis!" cried Applebloom as she crashed headlong into a fierce hug with her sister. "Ah done said it was you flyin' in from Canterlot! Big Mac told me 'Nnnope!' but Ah sure as sugar knew it was you!"

Applejack chuckled, with more warmth than she'd thought she could muster that evening. "Heh, you tell 'im, sis! Ye-ow, mind the wings ya lil' varmint! Ah gotta fly back ta' the city by tomorrow…"

"Well, why dont'cha just take the train like reg'lar ponies?" giggled Applebloom, reluctantly letting go and stepping back. "In fact, we'll all make an outin' of it and come with-" She noticed Applejack's smile was wearing thin at the edges and rather moist about the eyes. "Sis, what's wrong?"

"Oh, t'aint no big thing." She patted the ground next to her, and Applebloom dutifully sat down, staring up at her, no less concerned. "It's jes' mah work in Canterlot's been gettin' ta' me lately."

"Oh." Applebloom followed her sister's thousand-yard gaze and looked at the sunset for a few quiet moments. It sure was purdy, but didn't seem to be cheering up Applejack much. "Well, uh, 'round here it's been business as usual. Less school than usual, both classes and schoolhouse, heh." Applejack nodded quietly, still unsmiling. "We're helpin' ta' rebuild it actually - CMC MUNICIPAL ARCHITECTS, YAY! - or, we will, once Mayor Mare writes back an' approves our designs. Big Mac's helpin' out too. Been tough ta' keep up with the farm work, ta' tell ya the truth."

No response. Applebloom looked around the little hill. Apple trees stood irregularly spaced all over it, much less orderly than in the larger orchards. Grass and wildflowers grew tall between the trees and rocks were tangled in their roots. Quite a mess, by Sweet Apple Acres standards. There was a distinct lack of a 'ting' like a lightbulb popping into existence and flickering on. Still, Applebloom leaned a little closer and beamed up at her. "Ya know, maybe a bit o' applebuckin' would get yer mind off things? Go on, let's start with this one!" She sprang up and started taking aim at the closest tree, but when she saw Applejack's face suddenly harden, she hesitated.

"Nnnnope!" came an unhurried yet strangely urgent objection from behind them. Big Mac crested the hill with Granny Smith wobbling forward at his side. "Why in the world not?" huffed Applebloom, as her big brother and Granny went to greet Applejack. "This orchard is a mess, and some farm work would make AJ feel better, guaranteed!"

"Some fruit ain't fer pickin', child," said Granny with a weary smile. Applejack still had a stern and rather shocked look. She started to say something, but Big Mac cut her off. "She don't remember, AJ. She was just a lil' un." Applejack's anger faded, but was only replaced by more sadness. "What don't Ah remember?", bridled Applebloom, feeling a little left out but even more concerned for her sister.

"Y'see, lil' whippersnapper," said Granny, "we Apples have planted appleseeds all over this here valley. And they've grown big and sturdy, and durn per-ductive too!" She gazed back over the hill at the farm proper, and gave a sigh of pride. Then her face fell, just a smidgeon. "But this orchard … this is where we plant the Apples."

Applebloom wanted to tell her just how confusing that was, but something in her Granny's tone stopped her. While her thoughts churned, she looked about at the quiet little grove. A low, somewhat rocky hill, right by the cheerfully bubbling brook that marked the western edge of their property. It was half-covered with apple trees of varying ages and varieties, randomly placed with untamed grass and wildflowers covering the ground between them. A little piece of untended copse in their acres of well-hooficured farmland. Yet there were no unseemly weeds, no discarded tools, and no stump of a sawn-off branch on any of the relatively small, crooked apple trees.

"Oh.." She wasn't sure when it dawned on her, but she'd ended up following Applejack's gaze to a pair of trees, the youngest on the hill, planted close together so that their boughs intertwined. "I get it now…"

Applejack had a few false starts before she found her voice again. "Ya see … there's been so much … work after that, that Thing stomped through. And now, now S- … some friends of mine are goin' on this damn fool adventure … a-and I'm afraid-" Her jaw worked, but no words came to her.

"Yer 'fraid you'll be alone … with all that work?" Granny's voice was soft and understanding. Applebloom wasn't sure if Granny had sugarcoated the glaring implication for her benefit or for Applejack's. For once though, she did not complain about being treated like a little filly. Instead she trotted briskly over to sit between Applejack's front hooves, letting big sis rest her trembling chin on her head. "Don't worry none, sugarcube," continued Granny. "We're all here for ya." Applejack nodded and forced a smile, small but less brittle. She began to re-tie her little sister's bow with meticulous care as Big Mac and Granny Smith sat down on either side.

None of them, Applebloom herself included, expected that she would break the silence with the most big-pony sentence she had ever spoken. "Granny's right, sis; we'll all be here for ya, every Apple since the foundin' o' Ponyville." She snuggled up against Applejack's breast. "All of us. For ever."

Princess Applejack shared a long, stunned look with Big Mac and Granny, then enveloped them all in a tight hug, hooves and wings.

And in the waning light, it might have seemed that the trees in the Apple Orchard bowed down to embrace the four of them too.
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

>77
"Various Changelings"
~~~~~

>Alright, you all said you had something you wanted to ask me?

"YEAH! We want marefriends!"

"HEY!"

"And or Coltfriends!"

"Thank you!"

"How many freaking females are there down here anyway?"

"Quite a lot."

"Okay, seriously, how did she miss so many?"

"She never even looked, I don't think she actually cared."

"...What were we talking about?"

"OH! Marefriends or coltfriends! Whoever, we're not picky."

>...And... and you came... to me...

"Well, yeah! Majesty is busy."

"And, to be honest, two out of four dates didn't go so well."

"Though we will concede that the one in four odds of getting some is a chance worth taking."

"That it is."

>I'm not setting you up on dates.

"BETRAYAL!"

"WOUNDED!"

"Not fair! Jugglejack gets a coltfriend!"

"He's not my coltfriend!"

"C'mon, 77! Hook a brother up! Or at least share that schoolteacher's fine a-"

~~~~~

>What did we learn?

"That it is possible to bend a leg threehundred and seventy degrees, geometry be damned?"

"That it's possible to survive having a lung exploded?"

"That AJ 13 is surprisingly squeamish for someone who constantly almost dies?"

>...And?

"And don't hit on your marefriend?"

>Good! Glad we learned something today!

"OH GOD THE PAAAAAAAAAAAAIN!"

>Quiet, you.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

>Pinkie
"SA"
~~~~~

"Pinkie, we need to talk."

>Well, no Shiny, that doesn't work. See, first you talk, then I talk, then you talk again, then so on. If we talk, then it just looks weird. Here, watch.

>"What?"

>See?

"...Give me back my crystal rockets."

>I need them for the fireworks!

"And I need them to arm my military."

>But you guys should make love, not war! Your wife is the Princess of the concept even!

"Can't make love to robots."

>The hell I can't!

"..."

>...Inappropriate.

"Look, just... just pay me for them, okay? Just pay me for the rockets, and you can keep them. At least this way I'm not down several valuable weapons for nothing."

>Uh... kind of short on cash, Shiny.

"There is a fourteen foot tall chocolate fountain over there."

>No kidding? Huh. Wonder where that come from.

"Pinkie..."

>Oh fiiiiiine... you can have your rockets back.

"Thank you. Honestly, I don't even know why you stole them at all, that doesn't seem like you."

>I wanted the screentime.

"...What?"

>Oh shit, fouth wall's shaking, cut to bla
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________