#PastebinMonday 03/04/17

Haven't done one of these in a little while but I've got a lot on my mind ATM that I kinda wanna get off, if nothing else just for my own sake.

Uni's getting close to crunch time. I'm behind in one of my modules and our last assignments before exams are coming up after Easter, starting to get stressful. I know I'll be alright with it, I always am, but it's especially tough this time cus I feel like I'm doing it on my own since my friend left Uni last term. I haven't got anyone to ask for help or to share the pain of work with me rn.

Meanwhile my IRL mates are just going on benders every fucking week and it's starting to piss me off. One of them's new to it so he's all excited to get off with some drunk slag, and the other's drowning himself in drink since, as I said, he left Uni and no one can get through to him. I can't remember the last time I had a conversation with the guy cus he just closes up whenever I try to have a conversation about life at all with him. It's getting exasperating ngl. The fourth in our group is in hospital out of action ATM, so my mate's just surrounding himself with people who are more than happy to get wasted with him and the other one's trying to get me to go out with him so he's got one guy out he can rely on to not abandon him, even though I'm starting to hate the cheapness of the scene the others go to. There's no genuine fun or heart in it.

Outside of that I have got a lot of good mates, but not someone I'm REALLY close to who I can talk to about this kinda stuff on regular without feeling guilty for imposing on them, idk. I'm not regretting it, I want​ challenges in my life, I want to push myself. I don't even wish for people who I can talk to, I have great friends. I just wish I had a better connection with some of them and I didn't feel self-conscious about this kinda stuff. I know other people have gone through a lot worse, I'm not even really going through much. I think I just want that connection with that right person that makes everything easier. I haven't had one of those with anyone in the speedrunning community or with anyone at Uni yet, so hopefully I'm overdue.

Talking about speedrunning, I'm putting a lot into it right now. I'm trying to make a lot of big waves in a lot of different ways, and I've got one big idea I'm fixated on that I can't talk about here, but if it works out it'll be amazing. I just hope I can do it. ESA is coming up soon, and I'm hoping so bad I can run Tekken 7 there. I'm preparing to give a hell of a show there that'll blow last year away, but this time I'm doing it on my own, really, and that's tough too. I have a good little group of friends and followers that are helping and I enjoy streaming for them and with them, so I'm just hoping that whenever I ultimately bow out of speedrunning, I'll have left behind something that's self-sustaining. Ultimately I want fighting game speedruns to be recognised by the FGC and by Namco and Capcom and all the rest. I don't know why that's my goal, but it is. I hope I can make it, cus there's a lot of factors in the way.

And also, I'm hoping I can make my time at ESA worthwhile. It was so amazing last year, but I want this year to be even better. I want to meet more people, do more things, host for a while, organise a tournament, go out and socialise as much as I can. And then I hope to hell I can make it to AGDQ without it affecting my exams, even if I just go for a couple of days. Because that would be incredible. I just don't wanna be disappointed with myself when this is all over. This is a very special phase of my life where I can go anywhere I want and make these connections with people around the world, and I want to do everything I can to enjoy that time and make as many memories and as much of an impact as possible. One step at a time, I guess.

Thank you if you read this, I did this pastebin for myself because I need to do more things like this for myself and stop caring what others think so much, but that's easier said than done. One step at a time (: