shrek script

 SHREK
 Once upon a time there was a lovely
 princess. But she had an enchantment
 upon her of a fearful sort which could
 only be broken by love's first kiss.
 She was locked away in a castle guarded
 by a terrible fire-breathing dragon.
 Many brave knights had attempted to
 free her from this dreadful prison,
 but non prevailed. She waited in the
 dragon's keep in the highest room of
 the tallest tower for her true love
 and true love's first kiss. (laughs)
 Like that's ever gonna happen. What
 a load of - (toilet flush)

 Allstar - by Smashmouth begins to play. Shrek goes about his
 day. While in a nearby town, the villagers get together to go
 after the ogre.

 NIGHT - NEAR SHREK'S HOME

 MAN1
 Think it's in there?

 MAN2
 All right. Let's get it!

 MAN1
 Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that
 thing can do to you?

 MAN3
 Yeah, it'll grind your bones for it's
 bread.

 Shrek sneaks up behind them and laughs.

 SHREK
 Yes, well, actually, that would be a
 giant. Now, ogres, oh they're much worse.
 They'll make a suit from your freshly
 peeled skin.

 MEN
 No!

 SHREK
 They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the
 jelly from your eyes! Actually, it's
 quite good on toast.

 MAN1
 Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya!
 (waves the torch at Shrek.)

 Shrek calmly licks his fingers and extinguishes the torch. The
 men shrink back away from him. Shrek roars very loudly and long
 and his breath extinguishes all the remaining torches until the
 men are in the dark.

 SHREK
 This is the part where you run away.
 (The men scramble to get away. He laughs.)
 And stay out! (looks down and picks
 up a piece of paper. Reads.) "Wanted.
 Fairy tale creatures."(He sighs and
 throws the paper over his shoulder.)


 THE NEXT DAY

 There is a line of fairy tale creatures. The head of the guard
 sits at a table paying people for bringing the fairy tale creatures
 to him. There are cages all around. Some of the people in line
 are Peter Pan, who is carrying Tinkerbell in a cage, Gipetto
 who's carrying Pinocchio, and a farmer who is carrying the three
 little pigs.

 GUARD
 All right. This one's full. Take it
 away! Move it along. Come on! Get up!


 HEAD GUARD
 Next!

 GUARD
 (taking the witch's broom) Give me that!
 Your flying days are over. (breaks the
 broom in half)

 HEAD GUARD
 That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch.
 Next!

 GUARD
 Get up! Come on!

 HEAD GUARD
 Twenty pieces.

 LITTLE BEAR
 (crying) This cage is too small.

 DONKEY
 Please, don't turn me in. I'll never
 be stubborn again. I can change. Please!
 Give me another chance!

 OLD WOMAN
 Oh, shut up. (jerks his rope)

 DONKEY
 Oh!

 HEAD GUARD
 Next! What have you got?

 GIPETTO
 This little wooden puppet.

 PINOCCHIO
 I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy. (his
 nose grows)

 HEAD GUARD
 Five shillings for the possessed toy.
 Take it away.

 PINOCCHIO
 Father, please! Don't let them do this!
 Help me!

 Gipetto takes the money and walks off. The old woman steps up
 to the table.

 HEAD GUARD
 Next! What have you got?

 OLD WOMAN
 Well, I've got a talking donkey.

 HEAD GUARD
 Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings,
 if you can prove it.

 OLD WOMAN
 Oh, go ahead, little fella.

 Donkey just looks up at her.

 HEAD GUARD
 Well?

 OLD WOMAN
 Oh, oh, he's just...he's just a little
 nervous. He's really quite a chatterbox.
 Talk, you boneheaded dolt...

 HEAD GUARD
 That's it. I've heard enough. Guards!


 OLD WOMAN
 No, no, he talks! He does. (pretends
 to be Donkey) I can talk. I love to
 talk. I'm the talkingest damn thing
 you ever saw.

 HEAD GUARD
 Get her out of my sight.

 OLD WOMAN
 No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk!

 The guards grab the old woman and she struggles with them. One
 of her legs flies out and kicks Tinkerbell out of Peter Pan's
 hands, and her cage drops on Donkey's head. He gets sprinkled
 with fairy dust and he's able to fly.

 DONKEY
 Hey! I can fly!

 PETER PAN
 He can fly!

 3 LITTLE PIGS
 He can fly!

 HEAD GUARD
 He can talk!

 DONKEY
 Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm
 a flying, talking donkey. You might
 have seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly
 but I bet you ain't never seen a donkey
 fly. Ha, ha! (the pixie dust begins
 to wear off) Uh-oh. (he begins to sink
 to the ground.)

 He hits the ground with a thud.

 HEAD GUARD
 Seize him! (Donkey takes of running.)
 After him!

 GUARDS
 He's getting away! Get him! This way!
 Turn!

 Donkey keeps running and he eventually runs into Shrek. Literally.
 Shrek turns around to see who bumped into him. Donkey looks scared
 for a moment then he spots the guards coming up the path. He
 quickly hides behind Shrek.

 HEAD GUARD
 You there. Ogre!

 SHREK
 Aye?

 HEAD GUARD
 By the order of Lord Farquaad I am authorized
 to place you both under arrest and transport
 you to a designated resettlement facility.


 SHREK
 Oh, really? You and what army?

 He looks behind the guard and the guard turns to look as well
 and we see that the other men have run off. The guard tucks tail
 and runs off. Shrek laughs and goes back about his business and
 begins walking back to his cottage.

 DONKEY
 Can I say something to you? Listen,
 you was really, really, really somethin'
 back here. Incredible!

 SHREK
 Are you talkin' to...(he turns around
 and Donkey is gone) me? (he turns back
 around and Donkey is right in front
 of him.) Whoa!

 DONKEY
 Yes. I was talkin' to you. Can I tell
 you that you that you was great back
 here? Those guards! They thought they
 was all of that. Then you showed up,
 and bam! They was trippin' over themselves
 like babes in the woods. That really
 made me feel good to see that.

 SHREK
 Oh, that's great. Really.

 DONKEY
 Man, it's good to be free.

 SHREK
 Now, why don't you go celebrate your
 freedom with your own friends? Hmm?


 DONKEY
 But, uh, I don't have any friends. And
 I'm not goin' out there by myself. Hey,
 wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll
 stick with you. You're mean, green,
 fightin' machine. Together we'll scare
 the spit out of anybody that crosses
 us.

 Shrek turns and regards Donkey for a moment before roaring very
 loudly.

 DONKEY
 Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you
 don't mind me sayin', if that don't
 work, your breath certainly will get
 the job done, 'cause you definitely
 need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause
 you breath stinks! You almost burned
 the hair outta my nose, just like the
 time...(Shrek covers his mouth but Donkey
 continues to talk, so Shrek removes
 his hand.) ...then I ate some rotten
 berries. I had strong gases leaking
 out of my butt that day.

 SHREK
 Why are you following me?

 DONKEY
 I'll tell you why. (singing) 'Cause
 I'm all alone, There's no one here beside
 me, My problems have all gone, There's
 no one to deride me, But you gotta have
 faith...

 SHREK
 Stop singing! It's no wonder you don't
 have any friends.

 DONKEY
 Wow. Only a true friend would be that
 cruelly honest.

 SHREK
 Listen, little donkey. Take a look at
 me. What am I?

 DONKEY
 (looks all the way up at Shrek) Uh ...really
 tall?

 SHREK
 No! I'm an ogre! You know. "Grab your
 torch and pitchforks." Doesn't that
 bother you?

 DONKEY
 Nope.

 SHREK
 Really?

 DONKEY
 Really, really.

 SHREK
 Oh.

 DONKEY
 Man, I like you. What's you name?

 SHREK
 Uh, Shrek.

 DONKEY
 Shrek? Well, you know what I like about
 you, Shrek? You got that kind of I-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me
 thing. I like that. I respect that,
 Shrek. You all right. (They come over
 a hill and you can see Shrek's cottage.)
 Whoa! Look at that. Who'd want to live
 in place like that?

 SHREK
 That would be my home.

 DONKEY
 Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful.
 You know you are quite a decorator.
 It's amazing what you've done with such
 a modest budget. I like that boulder.
 That is a nice boulder. I guess you
 don't entertain much, do you?

 SHREK
 I like my privacy.

 DONKEY
 You know, I do too. That's another thing
 we have in common. Like I hate it when
 you got somebody in your face. You've
 trying to give them a hint, and they
 won't leave. There's that awkward silence.
 (awkward silence) Can I stay with you?


 SHREK
 Uh, what?

 DONKEY
 Can I stay with you, please?

 SHREK
 (sarcastically) Of course!

 DONKEY
 Really?

 SHREK
 No.

 DONKEY
 Please! I don't wanna go back there!
 You don't know what it's like to be
 considered a freak. (pause while he
 looks at Shrek) Well, maybe you do.
 But that's why we gotta stick together.
 You gotta let me stay! Please! Please!


 SHREK
 Okay! Okay! But one night only.

 DONKEY
 Ah! Thank you! (he runs inside the cottage)


 SHREK
 What are you...? (Donkey hops up onto
 a chair.) No! No!

 DONKEY
 This is gonna be fun! We can stay up
 late, swappin' manly stories, and in
 the mornin' I'm makin' waffles.

 SHREK
 Oh!

 DONKEY
 Where do, uh, I sleep?

 SHREK
 (irritated) Outside!

 DONKEY
 Oh, well, I guess that's cool. I mean,
 I don't know you, and you don't know
 me, so I guess outside is best, you
 know. Here I go. Good night. (Shrek
 slams the door.) (sigh) I mean, I do
 like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was
 born outside. I'll just be sitting by
 myself outside, I guess, you know. By
 myself, outside. I'm all alone...there's
 no one here beside me...

 SHREK'S COTTAGE - NIGHT

 Shrek is getting ready for dinner. He sits himself down and lights
 a candle made out of earwax. He begins to eat when he hears a
 noise. He stands up with a huff.

 SHREK
 (to Donkey) I thought I told you to
 stay outside.

 DONKEY
 (from the window) I am outside.

 There is another noise and Shrek turns to find the person that
 made the noise. He sees several shadows moving. He finally turns
 and spots 3 blind mice on his table.

 BLIND MOUSE1
 Well, gents, it's a far cry from the
 farm, but what choice do we have?


 BLIND MOUSE2
 It's not home, but it'll do just fine.


 GORDO
 (bouncing on a slug) What a lovely bed.


 SHREK
 Got ya. (Grabs a mouse, but it escapes
 and lands on his shoulder.)

 GORDO
 I found some cheese. (bites Shrek's
 ear)

 SHREK
 Ow!

 GORDO
 Blah! Awful stuff.

 BLIND MOUSE1
 Is that you, Gordo?

 GORDO
 How did you know?

 SHREK
 Enough! (he grabs the 3 mice) What are
 you doing in my house? (He gets bumped
 from behind and he drops the mice.)
 Hey! (he turns and sees the Seven Dwarves
 with Snow White on the table.) Oh, no,
 no, no. Dead broad off the table.


 DWARF
 Where are we supposed to put her? The
 bed's taken.

 SHREK
 Huh?

 Shrek marches over to the bedroom and throws back the curtain.
 The Big Bad Wolf is sitting in the bed. The wolf just looks at
 him.

 BIG BAD WOLF
 What?

 TIME LAPSE

 Shrek now has the Big Bad Wolf by the collar and is dragging
 him to the front door.

 SHREK
 I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I'm
 a terrifying ogre! What do I have to
 do get a little privacy? (He opens the
 front door to throw the Wolf out and
 he sees that all the collected Fairy
 Tale Creatures are on his land.) Oh,
 no. No! No!

 The 3 bears sit around the fire, the pied piper is playing his
 pipe and the rats are all running to him, some elves are directing
 flight traffic so that the fairies and witches can land...etc.


 SHREK
 What are you doing in my swamp? (this
 echoes and everyone falls silent.)


 Gasps are heard all around. The 3 good fairies hide inside a
 tent.

 SHREK
 All right, get out of here. All of you,
 move it! Come on! Let's go! Hapaya!
 Hapaya! Hey! Quickly. Come on! (more
 dwarves run inside the house) No, no!
 No, no. Not there. Not there. (they
 shut the door on him) Oh! (turns to
 look at Donkey)

 DONKEY
 Hey, don't look at me. I didn't invite
 them.

 PINOCCHIO
 Oh, gosh, no one invited us.

 SHREK
 What?

 PINOCCHIO
 We were forced to come here.

 SHREK
 (flabbergasted) By who?

 LITTLE PIG
 Lord Farquaad. He huffed and he puffed
 and he...signed an eviction notice.


 SHREK
 (heavy sigh) All right. Who knows where
 this Farquaad guy is?

 Everyone looks around at each other but no one answers.

 DONKEY
 Oh, I do. I know where he is.

 SHREK
 Does anyone else know where to find
 him? Anyone at all?

 DONKEY
 Me! Me!

 SHREK
 Anyone?

 DONKEY
 Oh! Oh, pick me! Oh, I know! I know!
 Me, me!

 SHREK
 (sigh) Okay, fine. Attention, all fairy
 tale things. Do not get comfortable.
 Your welcome is officially worn out.
 In fact, I'm gonna see this guy Farquaad
 right now and get you all off my land
 and back where you came from! (Pause.
 Then the crowd goes wild.) Oh! (to Donkey)
 You! You're comin' with me.

 DONKEY
 All right, that's what I like to hear,
 man. Shrek and Donkey, two stalwart
 friends, off on a whirlwind big-city
 adventure. I love it!

 DONKEY
 (singing) On the road again. Sing it
 with me, Shrek. I can't wait to get
 on the road again.

 SHREK
 What did I say about singing?

 DONKEY
 Can I whistle?

 SHREK
 No.

 DONKEY
 Can I hum it?

 SHREK
 All right, hum it.

 Donkey begins to hum 'On the Road Again'.

 DULOC - KITCHEN

 A masked man is torturing the Gingerbread Man. He's continually
 dunking him in a glass of milk. Lord Farquaad walks in.

 FARQUAAD
 That's enough. He's ready to talk.


 The Gingerbread Man is pulled out of the milk and slammed down
 onto a cookie sheet. Farquaad laughs as he walks over to the
 table. However when he reaches the table we see that it goes
 up to his eyes. He clears his throat and the table is lowered.


 FARQUAAD
 (he picks up the Gingerbread Man's legs
 and plays with them) Run, run, run,
 as fast as you can. You can't catch
 me. I'm the gingerbread man.

 GINGERBREAD MAN
 You are a monster.

 FARQUAAD
 I'm not the monster here. You are. You
 and the rest of that fairy tale trash,
 poisoning my perfect world. Now, tell
 me! Where are the others?

 GINGERBREAD MAN
 Eat me! (He spits milk into Farquaad's
 eye.)

 FARQUAAD
 I've tried to be fair to you creatures.
 Now my patience has reached its end!
 Tell me or I'll...(he makes as if to
 pull off the Gingerbread Man's buttons)


 GINGERBREAD MAN
 No, no, not the buttons. Not my gumdrop
 buttons.

 FARQUAAD
 All right then. Who's hiding them?


 GINGERBREAD MAN
 Okay, I'll tell you. Do you know the
 muffin man?

 FARQUAAD
 The muffin man?

 GINGERBREAD MAN
 The muffin man.

 FARQUAAD
 Yes, I know the muffin man, who lives
 on Drury Lane?

 GINGERBREAD MAN
 Well, she's married to the muffin man.


 FARQUAAD
 The muffin man?

 GINGERBREAD MAN
 The muffin man!

 FARQUAAD
 She's married to the muffin man.

 The door opens and the Head Guard walks in.

 HEAD GUARD
 My lord! We found it.

 FARQUAAD
 Then what are you waiting for? Bring
 it in.

 More guards enter carrying something that is covered by a sheet.
 They hang up whatever it is and remove the sheet. It is the Magic
 Mirror.

 GINGERBREAD MAN
 (in awe) Ohhhh...

 FARQUAAD
 Magic mirror...

 GINGERBREAD MAN
 Don't tell him anything! (Farquaad picks
 him up and dumps him into a trash can
 with a lid.) No!

 FARQUAAD
 Evening. Mirror, mirror on the wall.
 Is this not the most perfect kingdom
 of them all?

 MIRROR
 Well, technically you're not a king.


 FARQUAAD
 Uh, Thelonius. (Thelonius holds up a
 hand mirror and smashes it with his
 fist.) You were saying?

 MIRROR
 What I mean is you're not a king yet.
 But you can become one. All you have
 to do is marry a princess.

 FARQUAAD
 Go on.

 MIRROR
 (chuckles nervously) So, just sit back
 and relax, my lord, because it's time
 for you to meet today's eligible bachelorettes.
 And here they are! Bachelorette number
 one is a mentally abused shut-in from
 a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi
 and hot tubbing anytime. Her hobbies
 include cooking and cleaning for her
 two evil sisters. Please welcome Cinderella.
 (shows picture of Cinderella) Bachelorette
 number two is a cape-wearing girl from
 the land of fancy. Although she lives
 with seven other men, she's not easy.
 Just kiss her dead, frozen lips and
 find out what a live wire she is. Come
 on. Give it up for Snow White! (shows
 picture of Snow White) And last, but
 certainly not last, bachelorette number
 three is a fiery redhead from a dragon-guarded
 castle surrounded by hot boiling lava!
 But don't let that cool you off. She's
 a loaded pistol who likes pina colads
 and getting caught in the rain. Yours
 for the rescuing, Princess Fiona! (Shows
 picture of Princess Fiona) So will it
 be bachelorette number one, bachelorette
 number two or bachelorette number three?


 GUARDS
 Two! Two! Three! Three! Two! Two! Three!


 FARQUAAD
 Three? One? Three?

 THELONIUS
 Three! (holds up 2 fingers) Pick number
 three, my lord!

 FARQUAAD
 Okay, okay, uh, number three!

 MIRROR
 Lord Farquaad, you've chosen Princess
 Fiona.

 FARQUAAD
 Princess Fiona. She's perfect. All I
 have to do is just find someone who
 can go...

 MIRROR
 But I probably should mention the little
 thing that happens at night.

 FARQUAAD
 I'll do it.

 MIRROR
 Yes, but after sunset...

 FARQUAAD
 Silence! I will make this Princess Fiona
 my queen, and DuLoc will finally have
 the perfect king! Captain, assemble
 your finest men. We're going to have
 a tournament. (smiles evilly)

 DuLoc Parking Lot - Lancelot Section

 Shrek and Donkey come out of the field that is right by the parking
 lot. The castle itself is about 40 stories high.

 DONKEY
 But that's it. That's it right there.
 That's DuLoc. I told ya I'd find it.


 SHREK
 So, that must be Lord Farquaad's castle.


 DONKEY
 Uh-huh. That's the place.

 SHREK
 Do you think maybe he's compensating
 for something? (He laughs, but then
 groans as Donkey doesn't get the joke.
 He continues walking through the parking
 lot.)

 DONKEY
 Hey, wait. Wait up, Shrek.

 MAN
 Hurry, darling. We're late. Hurry.


 SHREK
 Hey, you! (The attendant, who is wearing
 a giant head that looks like Lord Farquaad,
 screams and begins running through the
 rows of rope to get to the front gate
 to get away from Shrek.) Wait a second.
 Look, I'm not gonna eat you. I just
 - - I just - - (He sighs and then begins
 walking straight through the rows. The
 attendant runs into a wall and falls
 down. Shrek and Donkey look at him then
 continue on into DuLoc.)

 DULOC

 They look around but all is quiet.

 SHREK
 It's quiet. Too quiet. Where is everybody?


 DONKEY
 Hey, look at this!

 Donkey runs over and pulls a lever that is attached to a box
 marked 'Information'. The music winds up and then the box doors
 open up. There are little wooden people inside and they begin
 to sing.

 WOODEN PEOPLE
 Welcome to DuLoc such a perfect town


 Here we have some rules

 Let us lay them down

 Don't make waves, stay in line

 And we'll get along fine

 DuLoc is perfect place

 Please keep off of the grass

 Shine your shoes, wipe your... face

 DuLoc is, DuLoc is

 DuLoc is perfect place.

 Suddenly a camera takes Donkey and Shrek's picture.

 DONKEY
 Wow! Let's do that again! (makes ready
 to run over and pull the lever again)


 SHREK
 (grabs Donkey's tail and holds him still)
 No. No. No, no, no! No.

 They hear a trumpet fanfare and head over to the arena.

 FARQUAAD
 Brave knights. You are the best and
 brightest in all the land. Today one
 of you shall prove himself...

 As Shrek and Donkey walk down the tunnel to get into the arena
 Donkey is humming the DuLoc theme song.

 SHREK
 All right. You're going the right way
 for a smacked bottom.

 DONKEY
 Sorry about that.

 FARQUAAD
 That champion shall have the honor -
 - no, no - - the privilege to go forth
 and rescue the lovely Princess Fiona
 from the fiery keep of the dragon. If
 for any reason the winner is unsuccessful,
 the first runner-up will take his place
 and so on and so forth. Some of you
 may die, but it's a sacrifice I am willing
 to make. (cheers) Let the tournament
 begin! (He notices Shrek) Oh! What is
 that? It's hideous!

 SHREK
 (turns to look at Donkey and then back
 at Farquaad) Ah, that's not very nice.
 It's just a donkey.

 FARQUAAD
 Indeed. Knights, new plan! The one who
 kills the ogre will be named champion!
 Have it him!

 MEN
 Get him!

 SHREK
 Oh, hey! Now come on! Hang on now. (bumps
 into a table where there are mugs of
 beer)

 CROWD
 Go ahead! Get him!

 SHREK
 (holds up a mug of beer) Can't we just
 settle this over a pint?

 CROWD
 Kill the beast!

 SHREK
 No? All right then. (drinks the beer)
 Come on!

 He takes the mug and smashes the spigot off the large barrel
 of beer behind him. The beer comes rushing out drenching the
 other men and wetting the ground. It's like mud now. Shrek slides
 past the men and picks up a spear that one of the men dropped.
 As Shrek begins to fight Donkey hops up onto one of the larger
 beer barrels. It breaks free of it's ropes and begins to roll.
 Donkey manages to squish two men into the mud. There is so much
 fighting going on here I'm not going to go into detail. Suffice
 to say that Shrek kicks butt.

 DONKEY
 Hey, Shrek, tag me! Tag me!

 Shrek comes over and bangs a man's head up against Donkeys. Shrek
 gets up on the ropes and interacts with the crowd.

 SHREK
 Yeah!

 A man tries to sneak up behind Shrek, but Shrek turns in time
 and sees him.

 WOMAN
 The chair! Give him the chair!

 Shrek smashes a chair over the guys back. Finally all the men
 are down. Donkey kicks one of them in the helmet, and the ding
 sounds the end of the match. The audience goes wild.

 SHREK
 Oh, yeah! Ah! Ah! Thank you! Thank you
 very much! I'm here till Thursday. Try
 the veal! Ha, ha! (laughs)

 The laughter stops as all of the guards turn their weapons on
 Shrek.

 HEAD GUARD
 Shall I give the order, sir?

 FARQUAAD
 No, I have a better idea. People of
 DuLoc, I give you our champion!

 SHREK
 What?

 FARQUAAD
 Congratulations, ogre. You're won the
 honor of embarking on a great and noble
 quest.

 SHREK
 Quest? I'm already in a quest, a quest
 to get my swamp back.

 FARQUAAD
 Your swamp?

 SHREK
 Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those
 fairy tale creatures!

 FARQUAAD
 Indeed. All right, ogre. I'll make you
 a deal. Go on this quest for me, and
 I'll give you your swamp back.

 SHREK
 Exactly the way it was?

 FARQUAAD
 Down to the last slime-covered toadstool.


 SHREK
 And the squatters?

 FARQUAAD
 As good as gone.

 SHREK
 What kind of quest?

 Time Lapse - Donkey and Shrek are now walking through the field
 heading away from DuLoc. Shrek is munching on an onion.

 DONKEY
 Let me get this straight. You're gonna
 go fight a dragon and rescue a princess
 just so Farquaad will give you back
 a swamp which you only don't have because
 he filled it full of freaks in the first
 place. Is that about right?

 SHREK
 You know, maybe there's a good reason
 donkeys shouldn't talk.

 DONKEY
 I don't get it. Why don't you just pull
 some of that ogre stuff on him? Throttle
 him, lay siege to his fortress, grinds
 his bones to make your bread, the whole
 ogre trip.

 SHREK
 Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have
 decapitated an entire village and put
 their heads on a pike, gotten a knife,
 cut open their spleen and drink their
 fluids. Does that sound good to you?


 DONKEY
 Uh, no, not really, no.

 SHREK
 For your information, there's a lot
 more to ogres than people think.

 DONKEY
 Example?

 SHREK
 Example? Okay, um, ogres are like onions.
 (he holds out his onion)

 DONKEY
 (sniffs the onion) They stink?

 SHREK
 Yes - - No!

 DONKEY
 They make you cry?

 SHREK
 No!

 DONKEY
 You leave them in the sun, they get
 all brown, start sproutin' little white
 hairs.

 SHREK
 No! Layers! Onions have layers. Ogres
 have layers! Onions have layers. You
 get it? We both have layers. (he heaves
 a sigh and then walks off)

 DONKEY
 (trailing after Shrek) Oh, you both
 have layers. Oh. {Sniffs} You know,
 not everybody likes onions. Cake! Everybody
 loves cakes! Cakes have layers.

 SHREK
 I don't care... what everyone likes.
 Ogres are not like cakes.

 DONKEY
 You know what else everybody likes?
 Parfaits. Have you ever met a person,
 you say, "Let's get some parfait," they
 say, "Hell no, I don't like no parfait"?
 Parfaits are delicious.

 SHREK
 No! You dense, irritating, miniature
 beast of burden! Ogres are like onions!
 And of story. Bye-bye. See ya later.


 DONKEY
 Parfaits may be the most delicious thing
 on the whole damn planet.

 SHREK
 You know, I think I preferred your humming.


 DONKEY
 Do you have a tissue or something? I'm
 making a mess. Just the word parfait
 make me start slobbering.

 They head off. There is a montage of their journey. Walking through
 a field at sunset. Sleeping beneath a bright moon. Shrek trying
 to put the campfire out the next day and having a bit of a problem,
 so Donkey pees on the fire to put it out.

 DRAGON'S KEEP

 Shrek and Donkey are walking up to the keep that's supposed to
 house Princess Fiona. It appears to look like a giant volcano.


 DONKEY
 (sniffs) Ohh! Shrek! Did you do that?
 You gotta warn somebody before you just
 crack one off. My mouth was open and
 everything.

 SHREK
 Believe me, Donkey, if it was me, you'd
 be dead. (sniffs) It's brimstone. We
 must be getting close.

 DONKEY
 Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking
 about it's the brimstone. I know what
 I smell. It wasn't no brimstone. It
 didn't come off no stone neither.


 They climb up the side of the volcano/keep and look down. There
 is a small piece of rock right in the center and that is where
 the castle is. It is surrounded by boiling lava. It looks very
 foreboding.

 SHREK
 Sure, it's big enough, but look at the
 location. (laughs...then the laugh turns
 into a groan)

 DONKEY
 Uh, Shrek? Uh, remember when you said
 ogres have layers?

 SHREK
 Oh, aye.

 DONKEY
 Well, I have a bit of a confession to
 make. Donkeys don't have layers. We
 wear our fear right out there on our
 sleeves.

 SHREK
 Wait a second. Donkeys don't have sleeves.


 DONKEY
 You know what I mean.

 SHREK
 You can't tell me you're afraid of heights.


 DONKEY
 No, I'm just a little uncomfortable
 about being on a rickety bridge over
 a boiling like of lava!

 SHREK
 Come on, Donkey. I'm right here beside
 ya, okay? For emotional support., we'll
 just tackle this thing together one
 little baby step at a time.

 DONKEY
 Really?

 SHREK
 Really, really.

 DONKEY
 Okay, that makes me feel so much better.


 SHREK
 Just keep moving. And don't look down.


 DONKEY
 Okay, don't look down. Don't look down.
 Don't look down. Keep on moving. Don't
 look down. (he steps through a rotting
 board and ends up looking straight down
 into the lava) Shrek! I'm lookin' down!
 Oh, God, I can't do this! Just let me
 off, please!

 SHREK
 But you're already halfway.

 DONKEY
 But I know that half is safe!

 SHREK
 Okay, fine. I don't have time for this.
 You go back.

 DONKEY
 Shrek, no! Wait!

 SHREK
 Just, Donkey - - Let's have a dance
 then, shall me? (bounces and sways the
 bridge)

 DONKEY
 Don't do that!

 SHREK
 Oh, I'm sorry. Do what? Oh, this? (bounces
 the bridge again)

 DONKEY
 Yes, that!

 SHREK
 Yes? Yes, do it. Okay. (continues to
 bounce and sway as he backs Donkey across
 the bridge)

 DONKEY
 No, Shrek! No! Stop it!

 SHREK
 You said do it! I'm doin' it.

 DONKEY
 I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek,
 I'm gonna die. (steps onto solid ground)
 Oh!

 SHREK
 That'll do, Donkey. That'll do. (walks
 towards the castle)

 DONKEY
 Cool. So where is this fire-breathing
 pain-in-the-neck anyway?

 SHREK
 Inside, waiting for us to rescue her.
 (chuckles)

 DONKEY
 I was talkin' about the dragon, Shrek.


 INSIDE THE CASTLE

 DONKEY
 You afraid?

 SHREK
 No.

 DONKEY
 But...

 SHREK
 Shh.

 DONKEY
 Oh, good. Me neither. (sees a skeleton
 and gasps) 'Cause there's nothin' wrong
 with bein' afraid. Fear's a sensible
 response to an unfamiliar situation.
 Unfamiliar dangerous situation, I might
 add. With a dragon that breathes fire
 and eats knights and breathes fire,
 it sure doesn't mean you're a coward
 if you're a little scared. I sure as
 heck ain't no coward. I know that.


 SHREK
 Donkey, two things, okay? Shut ... up.
 Now go over there and see if you can
 find any stairs.

 DONKEY
 Stairs? I thought we was lookin' for
 the princess.

 SHREK
 (putting on a helmet) The princess will
 be up the stairs in the highest room
 in the tallest tower.

 DONKEY
 What makes you think she'll be there?


 SHREK
 I read it in a book once. (walks off)


 DONKEY
 Cool. You handle the dragon. I'll handle
 the stairs. I'll find those stairs.
 I'll whip their butt too. Those stairs
 won't know which way they're goin'.
 (walks off)

 EMPTY ROOM

 Donkey is still talking to himself as he looks around the room.


 DONKEY
 I'm gonna take drastic steps. Kick it
 to the curb. Don't mess with me. I'm
 the stair master. I've mastered the
 stairs. I wish I had a step right here.
 I'd step all over it.

 ELSEWHERE

 Shrek spots a light in the tallest tower window.

 SHREK
 Well, at least we know where the princess
 is, but where's the...

 DONKEY
 (os) Dragon!

 Donkey gasps and takes off running as the dragon roars again.
 Shrek manages to grab Donkey out of the way just as the dragon
 breathes fire.

 SHREK
 Donkey, look out! (he manages to get
 a hold of the dragons tail and holds
 on) Got ya!

 The dragon gets irritated at this and flicks it's tail and Shrek
 goes flying through the air and crashes through the roof of the
 tallest tower. Fiona wakes up with a jerk and looks at him lying
 on the floor.

 DONKEY
 Oh! Aah! Aah!

 Donkey get cornered as the Dragon knocks away all but a small
 part of the bridge he's on.

 DONKEY
 No. Oh, no, No! (the dragon roars) Oh,
 what large teeth you have. (the dragon
 growls) I mean white, sparkling teeth.
 I know you probably hear this all time
 from your food, but you must bleach,
 'cause that is one dazzling smile you
 got there. Do I detect a hint of minty
 freshness? And you know what else? You're
 - - You're a girl dragon! Oh, sure!
 I mean, of course you're a girl dragon.
 You're just reeking of feminine beauty.
 (the dragon begins fluttering her eyes
 at him) What's the matter with you?
 You got something in your eye? Ohh.
 Oh. Oh. Man, I'd really love to stay,
 but you know, I'm, uh...(the dragon
 blows a smoke ring in the shape of a
 heart right at him, and he coughs) I'm
 an asthmatic, and I don't know if it'd
 work out if you're gonna blow smoke
 rings. Shrek! (the dragon picks him
 up with her teeth and carries him off)
 No! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!

 FIONA'S ROOM

 Shrek groans as he gets up off the floor. His back is to Fiona
 so she straightens her dress and lays back down on the bed. She
 then quickly reaches over and gets the bouquet of flowers off
 the side table. She then lays back down and appears to be asleep.
 Shrek turns and goes over to her. He looks down at Fiona for
 a moment and she puckers her lips. Shrek takes her by the shoulders
 and shakes her away.

 FIONA
 Oh! Oh!

 SHREK
 Wake up!

 FIONA
 What?

 SHREK
 Are you Princess Fiona?

 FIONA
 I am, awaiting a knight so bold as to
 rescue me.

 SHREK
 Oh, that's nice. Now let's go!

 FIONA
 But wait, Sir Knight. This be-ith our
 first meeting. Should it not be a wonderful,
 romantic moment?

 SHREK
 Yeah, sorry, lady. There's no time.


 FIONA
 Hey, wait. What are you doing? You should
 sweep me off my feet out yonder window
 and down a rope onto your valiant steed.


 SHREK
 You've had a lot of time to plan this,
 haven't you?

 FIONA
 (smiles) Mm-hmm.

 Shrek breaks the lock on her door and pulls her out and down
 the hallway.

 FIONA
 But we have to savor this moment! You
 could recite an epic poem for me. A
 ballad? A sonnet! A limerick? Or something!


 SHREK
 I don't think so.

 FIONA
 Can I at least know the name of my champion?


 SHREK
 Uh, Shrek.

 FIONA
 Sir Shrek. (clears throat and holds
 out a handkerchief) I pray that you
 take this favor as a token of my gratitude.


 SHREK
 Thanks!

 Suddenly they hear the dragon roar.

 FIONA
 (surprised)You didn't slay the dragon?


 SHREK
 It's on my to-do list. Now come on!
 (takes off running and drags Fiona behind
 him.)

 FIONA
 But this isn't right! You were meant
 to charge in, sword drawn, banner flying.
 That's what all the other knights did.


 SHREK
 Yeah, right before they burst into flame.


 FIONA
 That's not the point. (Shrek suddenly
 stops and she runs into him.) Oh! (Shrek
 ignores her and heads for a wooden door
 off to the side.) Wait. Where are you
 going? The exit's over there.

 SHREK
 Well, I have to save my ass.

 FIONA
 What kind of knight are you?

 SHREK
 One of a kind. (opens the door into
 the throne room)

 DONKEY
 (os) Slow down. Slow down, baby, please.
 I believe it's healthy to get to know
 someone over a long period of time.
 Just call me old-fashioned. (laughs
 worriedly) (we see him up close and
 from a distance as Shrek sneaks into
 the room) I don't want to rush into
 a physical relationship. I'm not emotionally
 ready for a commitment of, uh, this
 - - Magnitude really is the word I'm
 looking for. Magnitude- - Hey, that
 is unwanted physical contact. Hey, what
 are you doing? Okay, okay. Let's just
 back up a little and take this one step
 at a time. We really should get to know
 each other first as friends or pen pals.
 I'm on the road a lot, but I just love
 receiving cards - - I'd really love
 to stay, but - - Don't do that! That's
 my tail! That's my personal tail. You're
 gonna tear it off. I don't give permission
 - - What are you gonna do with that?
 Hey, now. No way. No! No! No, no! No.
 No, no, no. No! Oh!

 Shrek grabs a chain that's connected to the chandelier and swings
 toward the dragon. He misses and he swings back again. He looks
 up and spots that the chandelier is right above the dragons head.
 He pulls on the chain and it releases and he falls down and bumps
 Donkey out of the way right as the dragon is about to kiss him.
 Instead the dragon kisses Shreks' butt. She opens her eyes and
 roars. Shrek lets go of the chain and the chandelier falls onto
 her head, but it's too big and it goes over her head and forms
 a sort of collar for her. She roars again and Shrek and Donkey
 take off running. Very 'Matrix' style. Shrek grabs Donkey and
 then grabs Princess Fiona as he runs past her.

 DONKEY
 Hi, Princess!

 FIONA
 It talks!

 SHREK
 Yeah, it's getting him to shut up that's
 the trick.

 They all start screaming as the dragon gains on them. Shrek spots
 a descending slide and jumps on. But unfortunately there is a
 crack in the stone and it hits Shrek right in the groin. His
 eyes cross and as he reaches the bottom of the slide he stumbles
 off and walks lightly.

 SHREK
 Oh!

 Shrek gets them close to the exit and sets down Donkey and Fiona.


 SHREK
 Okay, you two, heard for the exit! I'll
 take care of the dragon.

 Shrek grabs a sword and heads back toward the interior of the
 castle. He throws the sword down in between several overlapping
 chain links. The chain links are attached to the chandelier that
 is still around the dragons neck.

 SHREK
 (echoing) Run!

 They all take off running for the exit with the dragon in hot
 pursuit. They make it to the bridge and head across. The dragons
 breathes fire and the bridge begins to burn. They all hang on
 for dear life as the ropes holding the bridge up collapse. They
 are swung to the other side. As they hang upside down they look
 in horror as the dragon makes to fly over the boiling lava to
 get them. But suddenly the chandelier with the chain jerk the
 dragon back and she's unable to get to them. Our gang climbs
 quickly to safety as the dragon looks angry and then gives a
 sad whimper as she watches Donkey walk away.

 FIONA
 (sliding down the 'volcano' hill) You
 did it! You rescued me! You're amazing.
 (behind her Donkey falls down the hill)
 You're - - You're wonderful. You're...
 (turns and sees Shrek fall down the
 hill and bump into Donkey) a little
 unorthodox I'll admit. But thy deed
 is great, and thy heart is pure. I am
 eternally in your debt. (Donkey clears
 his throat.) And where would a brave
 knight be without his noble steed?


 DONKEY
 I hope you heard that. She called me
 a noble steed. She think I'm a steed.


 FIONA
 The battle is won. You may remove your
 helmet, good Sir Knight.

 SHREK
 Uh, no.

 FIONA
 Why not?

 SHREK
 I have helmet hair.

 FIONA
 Please. I would'st look upon the face
 of my rescuer.

 SHREK
 No, no, you wouldn't - - 'st.

 FIONA
 But how will you kiss me?

 SHREK
 What? (to Donkey) That wasn't in the
 job description.

 DONKEY
 Maybe it's a perk.

 FIONA
 No, it's destiny. Oh, you must know
 how it goes. A princess locked in a
 tower and beset by a dragon is rescued
 by a brave knight, and then they share
 true love's first kiss.

 DONKEY
 Hmm? With Shrek? You think- - Wait.
 Wait. You think that Shrek is you true
 love?

 FIONA
 Well, yes.

 Both Donkey and Shrek burst out laughing.

 DONKEY
 You think Shrek is your true love!


 FIONA
 What is so funny?

 SHREK
 Let's just say I'm not your type, okay?Fiona:
 Of course, you are. You're my rescuer.
 Now - - Now remove your helmet.

 SHREK
 Look. I really don't think this is a
 good idea.

 FIONA
 Just take off the helmet.

 SHREK
 I'm not going to.

 FIONA
 Take it off.

 SHREK
 No!

 FIONA
 Now!

 SHREK
 Okay! Easy. As you command. Your Highness.
 (takes off his helmet)

 FIONA
 You- - You're a- - an ogre.

 SHREK
 Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming.


 FIONA
 Well, yes, actually. Oh, no. This is
 all wrong. You're not supposed to be
 an ogre.

 SHREK
 Princess, I was sent to rescue you by
 Lord Farquaad, okay? He is the one who
 wants to marry you.

 FIONA
 Then why didn't he come rescue me?


 SHREK
 Good question. You should ask him that
 when we get there.

 FIONA
 But I have to be rescued by my true
 love, not by some ogre and his- - his
 pet.

 DONKEY
 Well, so much for noble steed.

 SHREK
 You're not making my job any easier.


 FIONA
 I'm sorry, but your job is not my problem.
 You can tell Lord Farquaad that if he
 wants to rescue me properly, I'll be
 waiting for him right here.

 SHREK
 Hey! I'm no one's messenger boy, all
 right? (ominous) I'm a delivery boy.
 (he swiftly picks her up and swings
 her over his shoulder like she was a
 sack of potatoes)

 FIONA
 You wouldn't dare. Put me down!

 SHREK
 Ya comin', Donkey?

 DONKEY
 I'm right behind ya.

 FIONA
 Put me down, or you will suffer the
 consequences! This is not dignified!
 Put me down!

 WOODS

 A little time has passed and Fiona has calmed down. She just
 hangs there limply while Shrek carries her.

 DONKEY
 Okay, so here's another question. Say
 there's a woman that digs you, right,
 but you don't really like her that way.
 How do you let her down real easy so
 her feelings aren't hurt, but you don't
 get burned to a crisp and eaten?

 FIONA
 You just tell her she's not your true
 love. Everyone knows what happens when
 you find your...(Shrek drops her on
 the ground) Hey! The sooner we get to
 DuLoc the better.

 DONKEY
 You're gonna love it there, Princess.
 It's beautiful!

 FIONA
 And what of my groom-to-be? Lord Farquaad?
 What's he like?

 SHREK
 Let me put it this way, Princess. Men
 of Farquaad's stature are in short supply.
 (he and Donkey laugh)

 Shrek then proceeds to splash water onto his face to wash off
 the dust and grime.

 DONKEY
 I don't know. There are those who think
 little of him. (they laugh again) Fiona:
 Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You're
 just jealous you can never measure up
 to a great ruler like Lord Farquaad.


 SHREK
 Yeah, well, maybe you're right, Princess.
 But I'll let you do the "measuring"
 when you see him tomorrow.

 FIONA
 (looks at the setting sun) Tomorrow?
 It'll take that long? Shouldn't we stop
 to make camp?

 SHREK
 No, that'll take longer. We can keep
 going.

 FIONA
 But there's robbers in the woods.

 DONKEY
 Whoa! Time out, Shrek! Camp is starting
 to sound good.

 SHREK
 Hey, come on. I'm scarier than anything
 we're going to see in this forest.


 FIONA
 I need to find somewhere to camp now!


 Both Donkey and Shrek's ears lower as they shrink away from her.


 MOUNTAIN CLIFF

 Shrek has found a cave that appears to be in good order. He shoves
 a stone boulder out of the way to reveal the cave.

 SHREK
 Hey! Over here.

 DONKEY
 Shrek, we can do better than that. I
 don't think this is fit for a princess.


 FIONA
 No, no, it's perfect. It just needs
 a few homey touches.

 SHREK
 Homey touches? Like what? (he hears
 a tearing noise and looks over at Fiona
 who has torn the bark off of a tree.)


 FIONA
 A door? Well, gentlemen, I bid thee
 good night. (goes into the cave and
 puts the bark door up behind her)


 DONKEY
 You want me to read you a bedtime story?
 I will.

 FIONA
 (os) I said good night!

 Shrek looks at Donkey for a second and then goes to move the
 boulder back in front of the entrance to the cave with Fiona
 still inside.

 DONKEY
 Shrek, What are you doing?

 SHREK
 (laughs) I just- - You know - - Oh,
 come on. I was just kidding.

 LATER THAT NIGHT

 Shrek and Donkey are sitting around a campfire. They are staring
 up into the sky as Shrek points out certain star constellations
 to Donkey.

 SHREK
 And, uh, that one, that's Throwback,
 the only ogre to ever spit over three
 wheat fields.

 DONKEY
 Right. Yeah. Hey, can you tell my future
 from these stars?

 SHREK
 The stars don't tell the future, Donkey.
 They tell stories. Look, there's Bloodnut,
 the Flatulent. You can guess what he's
 famous for.

 DONKEY
 I know you're making this up.

 SHREK
 No, look. There he is, and there's the
 group of hunters running away from his
 stench.

 DONKEY
 That ain't nothin' but a bunch of little
 dots.

 SHREK
 You know, Donkey, sometimes things are
 more than they appear. Hmm? Forget it.


 DONKEY
 (heaves a big sigh) Hey, Shrek, what
 we gonna do when we get our swamp anyway?


 SHREK
 Our swamp?

 DONKEY
 You know, when we're through rescuing
 the princess.

 SHREK
 We? Donkey, there's no "we". There's
 no "our". There's just me and my swamp.
 The first thing I'm gonna do is build
 a ten-foot wall around my land.

 DONKEY
 You cut me deep, Shrek. You cut me real
 deep just now. You know what I think?
 I think this whole wall thing is just
 a way to keep somebody out.

 SHREK
 No, do ya think?

 DONKEY
 Are you hidin' something?

 SHREK
 Never mind, Donkey.

 DONKEY
 Oh, this is another one of those onion
 things, isn't it?

 SHREK
 No, this is one of those drop-it and
 leave-it alone things.

 DONKEY
 Why don't you want to talk about it?


 SHREK
 Why do you want to talk about it?

 DONKEY
 Why are you blocking?

 SHREK
 I'm not blocking.

 DONKEY
 Oh, yes, you are.

 SHREK
 Donkey, I'm warning you.

 DONKEY
 Who you trying to keep out?

 SHREK
 Everyone! Okay?

 DONKEY
 (pause) Oh, now we're gettin' somewhere.
 (grins)

 At this point Fiona pulls the 'door' away from the entrance to
 the cave and peaks out. Neither of the guys see her.

 SHREK
 Oh! For the love of Pete! (gets up and
 walks over to the edge of the cliff
 and sits down)

 DONKEY
 What's your problem? What you got against
 the whole world anyway?

 SHREK
 Look, I'm not the one with the problem,
 okay? It's the world that seems to have
 a problem with me. People take one look
 at me and go. "Aah! Help! Run! A big,
 stupid, ugly ogre!" They judge me before
 they even know me. That's why I'm better
 off alone.

 DONKEY
 You know what? When we met, I didn't
 think you was just a big, stupid, ugly
 ogre.

 SHREK
 Yeah, I know.

 DONKEY
 So, uh, are there any donkeys up there?


 SHREK
 Well, there's, um, Gabby, the Small
 and Annoying.

 DONKEY
 Okay, okay, I see it now. The big shiny
 one, right there. That one there?


 Fiona puts the door back.

 SHREK
 That's the moon.

 DONKEY
 Oh, okay.

 DuLoc - Farquaad's Bedroom

 The camera pans over a lot of wedding stuff. Soft music plays
 in the background. Farquaad is in bed, watching as the Magic
 Mirror shows him Princess Fiona.

 FARQUAAD
 Again, show me again. Mirror, mirror,
 show her to me. Show me the princess.


 MIRROR
 Hmph.

 The Mirror rewinds and begins to play again from the beginning.


 FARQUAAD
 Ah. Perfect.

 Farquaad looks down at his bare chest and pulls the sheet up
 to cover himself as though Fiona could see him as he gazes sheepishly
 at her image in the mirror.

 MORNING

 Fiona walks out of the cave. She glances at Shrek and Donkey
 who are still sleeping. She wanders off into the woods and comes
 across a blue bird. She begins to sing. The bird sings along
 with her. She hits higher and higher notes and the bird struggles
 to keep up with her. Suddenly the pressure of the note is too
 big and the bird explodes. Fiona looks a little sheepish, but
 she eyes the eggs that the bird left behind. Time lapse, Fiona
 is now cooking the eggs for breakfast. Shrek and Donkey are still
 sleeping. Shrek wakes up and looks at Fiona. Donkey's talking
 in his sleep.

 DONKEY
 (quietly) Mmm, yeah, you know I like
 it like that. Come on, baby. I said
 I like it.

 SHREK
 Donkey, wake up. (shakes him)

 DONKEY
 Huh? What?

 SHREK
 Wake up.

 DONKEY
 What? (stretches and yawns)

 FIONA
 Good morning. Hm, how do you like your
 eggs?

 DONKEY
 Oh, good morning, Princess!

 Fiona gets up and sets the eggs down in front of them.

 SHREK
 What's all this about?

 FIONA
 You know, we kind of got off to a bad
 start yesterday. I wanted to make it
 up to you. I mean, after all, you did
 rescue me.

 SHREK
 Uh, thanks.

 Donkey sniffs the eggs and licks his lips.

 FIONA
 Well, eat up. We've got a big day ahead
 of us. (walks off)

 LATER

 They are once again on their way. They are walking through the
 forest. Shrek belches.

 DONKEY
 Shrek!

 SHREK
 What? It's a compliment. Better out
 than in, I always say. (laughs)

 DONKEY
 Well, it's no way to behave in front
 of a princess.

 Fiona belches

 FIONA
 Thanks.

 DONKEY
 She's as nasty as you are.

 SHREK
 (chuckles) You know, you're not exactly
 what I expected.

 FIONA
 Well, maybe you shouldn't judge people
 before you get to know them.

 She smiles and then continues walking, singing softly. Suddenly
 from out of nowhere, a man swings down and swoops Fiona up into
 a tree.

 ROBIN HOOD
 La liberte! Hey!

 SHREK
 Princess!

 FIONA
 (to Robin Hood) What are you doing?


 ROBIN HOOD
 Be still, mon cherie, for I am you savior!
 And I am rescuing you from this green...(kisses
 up her arm while Fiona pulls back in
 disgust)...beast.

 SHREK
 Hey! That's my princess! Go find you
 own!

 ROBIN HOOD
 Please, monster! Can't you see I'm a
 little busy here?

 FIONA
 (getting fed up) Look, pal, I don't
 know who you think you are!

 ROBIN HOOD
 Oh! Of course! Oh, how rude. Please
 let me introduce myself. Oh, Merry Men.
 (laughs)

 Suddenly an accordion begins to play and the Merry men pop out
 from the bushes. They begin to sing Robin's theme song.

 MERRY MEN
 Ta, dah, dah, dah, whoo.

 ROBIN HOOD
 I steal from the rich and give to the
 needy.

 MERRY MEN
 He takes a wee percentage,

 ROBIN HOOD
 But I'm not greedy. I rescue pretty
 damsels, man, I'm good.

 MERRY MEN
 What a guy, Monsieur Hood.

 ROBIN HOOD
 Break it down. I like an honest fight
 and a saucy little maid...

 MERRY MEN
 What he's basically saying is he likes
 to get...

 ROBIN HOOD
 Paid. So...When an ogre in the bush
 grabs a lady by the tush. That's bad.


 MERRY MEN
 That's bad.

 ROBIN HOOD
 When a beauty's with a beast it makes
 me awfully mad.

 MERRY MEN
 He's mad, he's really, really mad.


 ROBIN HOOD
 I'll take my blade and ram it through
 your heart, keep your eyes on me, boys
 'cause I'm about to start...

 There is a grunt as Fiona swings down from the tree limb and
 knocks Robin Hood unconscious.

 FIONA
 Man, that was annoying!

 Shrek looks at her in admiration.

 MERRY MAN
 Oh, you little- - (shoots an arrow at
 Fiona but she ducks out of the way)


 The arrow flies toward Donkey who jumps into Shrek's arms to
 get out of the way. The arrow proceeds to just bounce off a tree.


 Another fight sequence begins and Fiona gives a karate yell and
 then proceeds to beat the crap out of the Merry Men. There is
 a very interesting 'Matrix' moment here when Fiona pauses in
 mid-air to fix her hair. Finally all of the Merry Men are down,
 and Fiona begins walking away.

 FIONA
 Uh, shall we?

 SHREK
 Hold the phone. (drops Donkey and begins
 walking after Fiona) Oh! Whoa, whoa,
 whoa. Hold on now. Where did that come
 from?

 FIONA
 What?

 SHREK
 That! Back there. That was amazing!
 Where did you learn that?

 FIONA
 Well...(laughs) when one lives alone,
 uh, one has to learn these things in
 case there's a...(gasps and points)
 there's an arrow in your butt!

 SHREK
 What? (turns and looks) Oh, would you
 look at that? (he goes to pull it out
 but flinches because it's tender)


 FIONA
 Oh, no. This is all my fault. I'm so
 sorry.

 DONKEY
 (walking up) Why? What's wrong?

 FIONA
 Shrek's hurt.

 DONKEY
 Shrek's hurt. Shrek's hurt? Oh, no,
 Shrek's gonna die.

 SHREK
 Donkey, I'm okay.

 DONKEY
 You can't do this to me, Shrek. I'm
 too young for you to die. Keep you legs
 elevated. Turn your head and cough.
 Does anyone know the Heimlich?

 FIONA
 Donkey! Calm down. If you want to help
 Shrek, run into the woods and find me
 a blue flower with red thorns.

 DONKEY
 Blue flower, red thorns. Okay, I'm on
 it. Blue flower, red thorns. Don't die
 Shrek. If you see a long tunnel, stay
 away from the light!

 SHREK & FIONA
 Donkey!

 DONKEY
 Oh, yeah. Right. Blue flower, red thorns.
 (runs off)

 SHREK
 What are the flowers for?

 FIONA
 (like it's obvious) For getting rid
 of Donkey.

 SHREK
 Ah.

 FIONA
 Now you hold still, and I'll yank this
 thing out. (gives the arrow a little
 pull)

 SHREK
 (jumps away) Ow! Hey! Easy with the
 yankin'.

 As they continue to talk Fiona keeps going after the arrow and
 Shrek keeps dodging her hands.

 FIONA
 I'm sorry, but it has to come out.


 SHREK
 No, it's tender.

 FIONA
 Now, hold on.

 SHREK
 What you're doing is the opposite of
 help.

 FIONA
 Don't move.

 SHREK
 Look, time out.

 FIONA
 Would you...(grunts as Shrek puts his
 hand over her face to stop her from
 getting at the arrow) Okay. What do
 you propose we do?

 ELSEWHERE

 Donkey is still looking for the special flower.

 DONKEY
 Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower,
 red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns.
 This would be so much easier if I wasn't
 color-blind! Blue flower, red thorns.


 SHREK
 (os) Ow!

 DONKEY
 Hold on, Shrek! I'm comin'! (rips a
 flower off a nearby bush that just happens
 to be a blue flower with red thorns)


 THE FOREST PATH

 SHREK
 Ow! Not good.

 FIONA
 Okay. Okay. I can nearly see the head.
 (Shrek grunts as she pulls) It's just
 about...

 SHREK
 Ow! Ohh! (he jerks and manages to fall
 over with Fiona on top of him)

 DONKEY
 Ahem.

 SHREK
 (throwing Fiona off of him) Nothing
 happend. We were just, uh - -

 DONKEY
 Look, if you wanted to be alone, all
 you had to do was ask. Okay?

 SHREK
 Oh, come on! That's the last thing on
 my mind. The princess here was just-
 - (Fiona pulls the arrow out) Ugh! (he
 turns to look at Fiona who holds up
 the arrow with a smile) Ow!

 DONKEY
 Hey, what's that? (nervous chuckle)
 That's...is that blood?

 Donkey faints. Shrek walks over and picks him up as they continue
 on their way.

 There is a montage of scenes as the group heads back to DuLoc.
 Shrek crawling up to the top of a tree to make it fall over a
 small brook so that Fiona won't get wet. Shrek then gets up as
 Donkey is just about to cross the tree and the tree swings back
 into it's upright position and Donkey flies off. Shrek swatting
 and a bunch of flies and mosquitoes. Fiona grabs a nearby spiderweb
 that's on a tree branch and runs through the field swinging it
 around to catch the bugs. She then hands it to Shrek who begins
 eating like it's a treat. As he walks off she licks her fingers.
 Shrek catching a toad and blowing it up like a balloon and presenting
 it to Fiona. Fiona catching a snake, blowing it up, fashioning
 it into a balloon animal and presenting it to Shrek. The group
 arriving at a windmill that is near DuLoc.

 WINDMILL

 SHREK
 There it is, Princess. Your future awaits
 you.

 FIONA
 That's DuLoc?

 DONKEY
 Yeah, I know. You know, Shrek thinks
 Lord Farquaad's compensating for something,
 which I think means he has a really...(Shrek
 steps on his hoof) Ow!

 SHREK
 Um, I, uh- - I guess we better move
 on.

 FIONA
 Sure. But, Shrek? I'm - - I'm worried
 about Donkey.

 SHREK
 What?

 FIONA
 I mean, look at him. He doesn't look
 so good.

 DONKEY
 What are you talking about? I'm fine.


 FIONA
 (kneels to look him in the eyes) That's
 what they always say, and then next
 thing you know, you're on your back.
 (pause) Dead.

 SHREK
 You know, she's right. You look awful.
 Do you want to sit down?

 FIONA
 Uh, you know, I'll make you some tea.


 DONKEY
 I didn't want to say nothin', but I
 got this twinge in my neck, and when
 I turn my head like this, look, (turns
 his neck in a very sharp way until his
 head is completely sideways) Ow! See?


 SHREK
 Who's hungry? I'll find us some dinner.


 FIONA
 I'll get the firewood.

 DONKEY
 Hey, where you goin'? Oh, man, I can't
 feel my toes! (looks down and yelps)
 I don't have any toes! I think I need
 a hug.

 SUNSET

 Shrek has built a fire and is cooking the rest of dinner while
 Fiona eats.

 FIONA
 Mmm. This is good. This is really good.
 What is this?

 SHREK
 Uh, weed rat. Rotisserie style.

 FIONA
 No kidding. Well, this is delicious.


 SHREK
 Well, they're also great in stews. Now,
 I don't mean to brag, but I make a mean
 weed rat stew. (chuckles)

 Fiona looks at DuLoc and sighs.

 FIONA
 I guess I'll be dining a little differently
 tomorrow night.

 SHREK
 Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp
 sometime. I'll cook all kind of stuff
 for you. Swamp toad soup, fish eye tartare
 - - you name it.

 FIONA
 (smiles) I'd like that.

 They smiles at each other.

 SHREK
 Um, Princess?

 FIONA
 Yes, Shrek?

 SHREK
 I, um, I was wondering...are you...(sighs)
 Are you gonna eat that?

 DONKEY
 (chuckles) Man, isn't this romantic?
 Just look at that sunset.

 FIONA
 (jumps up) Sunset? Oh, no! I mean, it's
 late. I-It's very late.

 SHREK
 What?

 DONKEY
 Wait a minute. I see what's goin' on
 here. You're afraid of the dark, aren't
 you?

 FIONA
 Yes! Yes, that's it. I'm terrified.
 You know, I'd better go inside.

 DONKEY
 Don't feel bad, Princess. I used to
 be afraid of the dark, too, until -
 - Hey, no, wait. I'm still afraid of
 the dark.

 Shrek sighs

 FIONA
 Good night.

 SHREK
 Good night.

 Fiona goes inside the windmill and closes the door. Donkey looks
 at Shrek with a new eye.

 DONKEY
 Ohh! Now I really see what's goin' on
 here.

 SHREK
 Oh, what are you talkin' about?

 DONKEY
 I don't even wanna hear it. Look, I'm
 an animal, and I got instincts. And
 I know you two were diggin' on each
 other. I could feel it.

 SHREK
 You're crazy. I'm just bringing her
 back to Farquaad.

 DONKEY
 Oh, come on, Shrek. Wake up and smell
 the pheromones. Just go on in and tell
 her how you feel.

 SHREK
 I- - There's nothing to tell. Besides,
 even if I did tell her that, well, you
 know - - and I'm not sayin' I do 'cause
 I don't - - she's a princess, and I'm
 - -

 DONKEY
 An ogre?

 SHREK
 Yeah. An ogre.

 DONKEY
 Hey, where you goin'?

 SHREK
 To get... move firewood. (sighs)

 Donkey looks over at the large pile of firewood there already
 is.

 TIME LAPSE

 Donkey opens the door to the Windmill and walks in. Fiona is
 nowhere to be seen.

 DONKEY
 Princess? Princess Fiona? Princess,
 where are you? Princess?

 Fiona looks at Donkey from the shadows, but we can't see her.


 DONKEY
 It's very spooky in here. I ain't playing
 no games.

 Suddenly Fiona falls from the railing. She gets up only she doesn't
 look like herself. She looks like an ogre and Donkey starts freaking
 out.

 DONKEY
 Aah!

 FIONA
 Oh, no!

 DONKEY
 No, help!

 FIONA
 Shh!

 DONKEY
 Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!

 FIONA
 No, it's okay. It's okay.

 DONKEY
 What did you do with the princess?


 FIONA
 Donkey, I'm the princess.

 DONKEY
 Aah!

 FIONA
 It's me, in this body.

 DONKEY
 Oh, my God! You ate the princess. (to
 her stomach) Can you hear me?

 FIONA
 Donkey!

 DONKEY
 (still aimed at her stomach) Listen,
 keep breathing! I'll get you out of
 there!

 FIONA
 No!

 DONKEY
 Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!

 FIONA
 Shh.

 DONKEY
 Shrek!

 FIONA
 This is me.

 Donkey looks into her eyes as she pets his muzzle, and he quiets
 down.

 DONKEY
 Princess? What happened to you? You're,
 uh, uh, uh, different.

 FIONA
 I'm ugly, okay?

 DONKEY
 Well, yeah! Was it something you ate?
 'Cause I told Shrek those rats was a
 bad idea. You are what you eat, I said.
 Now - -

 FIONA
 No. I - - I've been this way as long
 as I can remember.

 DONKEY
 What do you mean? Look, I ain't never
 seen you like this before.

 FIONA
 It only happens when sun goes down.
 "By night one way, by day another. This
 shall be the norm... until you find
 true love's first kiss... and then take
 love's true form."

 DONKEY
 Ah, that's beautiful. I didn't know
 you wrote poetry.

 FIONA
 It's a spell. (sigh) When I was a little
 girl, a witch cast a spell on me. Every
 night I become this. This horrible,
 ugly beast! I was placed in a tower
 to await the day my true love would
 rescue me. That's why I have to marry
 Lord Farquaad tomorrow before the sun
 sets and he sees me like this. (begins
 to cry)

 DONKEY
 All right, all right. Calm down. Look,
 it's not that bad. You're not that ugly.
 Well, I ain't gonna lie. You are ugly.
 But you only look like this at night.
 Shrek's ugly 24-7.

 FIONA
 But Donkey, I'm a princess, and this
 is not how a princess is meant to look.


 DONKEY
 Princess, how 'bout if you don't marry
 Farquaad?

 FIONA
 I have to. Only my true love's kiss
 can break the spell.

 DONKEY
 But, you know, um, you're kind of an
 orge, and Shrek - - well, you got a
 lot in common.

 FIONA
 Shrek?

 OUTSIDE

 Shrek is walking towards the windmill with a sunflower in his
 hand.

 SHREK
 (to himself) Princess, I - - Uh, how's
 it going, first of all? Good? Um, good
 for me too. I'm okay. I saw this flower
 and thought of you because it's pretty
 and - - well, I don't really like it,
 but I thought you might like it 'cause
 you're pretty. But I like you anyway.
 I'd - - uh, uh...(sighs) I'm in trouble.
 Okay, here we go.

 He walks up to the door and pauses outside when he hears Donkey
 and Fiona talking.

 FIONA
 (os) I can't just marry whoever I want.
 Take a good look at me, Donkey. I mean,
 really, who can ever love a beast so
 hideous and ugly? "Princess" and "ugly"
 don't go together. That's why I can't
 stay here with Shrek.

 Shrek steps back in shock.

 FIONA
 (os) My only chance to live happily
 ever after is to marry my true love.


 Shrek heaves a deep sigh. He throws the flower down and walks
 away.

 INSIDE

 FIONA
 Don't you see, Donkey? That's just how
 it has to be. It's the only way to break
 the spell.

 DONKEY
 You at least gotta tell Shrek the truth.


 FIONA
 No! You can't breathe a word. No one
 must ever know.

 DONKEY
 What's the point of being able to talk
 if you gotta keep secrets?

 FIONA
 Promise you won't tell. Promise!

 DONKEY
 All right, all right. I won't tell him.
 But you should. (goes outside) I just
 know before this is over, I'm gonna
 need a whole lot of serious therapy.
 Look at my eye twitchin'.

 Fiona comes out the door and watches him walk away. She looks
 down and spots the sunflower. She picks it up before going back
 inside the windmill.

 MORNING

 Donkey is asleep. Shrek is nowhere to be seen. Fiona is still
 awake. She is plucking petals from the sunflower.

 FIONA
 I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him,
 I tell him not. I tell him. (she quickly
 runs to the door and goes outside) Shrek!
 Shrek, there's something I want...(she
 looks and sees the rising sun, and as
 the sun crests the sky she turns back
 into a human.)

 Just as she looks back at the sun she sees Shrek stomping towards
 her.

 FIONA
 Shrek. Are you all right?

 SHREK
 Perfect! Never been better.

 FIONA
 I - - I don't - - There's something
 I have to tell you.

 SHREK
 You don't have to tell me anything,
 Princess. I heard enough last night.


 FIONA
 You heard what I said?

 SHREK
 Every word.

 FIONA
 I thought you'd understand.

 SHREK
 Oh, I understand. Like you said, "Who
 could love a hideous, ugly beast?"


 FIONA
 But I thought that wouldn't matter to
 you.

 SHREK
 Yeah? Well, it does. (Fiona looks at
 him in shock. He looks past her and
 spots a group approaching.) Ah, right
 on time. Princess, I've brought you
 a little something.

 Farquaad has arrived with a group of his men. He looks very regal
 sitting up on his horse. You would never guess that he's only
 like 3 feet tall. Donkey wakes up with a yawn as the soldiers
 march by.

 DONKEY
 What'd I miss? What'd I miss? (spots
 the soldiers) (muffled) Who said that?
 Couldn't have been the donkey.

 FARQUAAD
 Princess Fiona.

 SHREK
 As promised. Now hand it over.

 FARQUAAD
 Very well, ogre. (holds out a piece
 of paper) The deed to your swamp, cleared
 out, as agreed. Take it and go before
 I change my mind. (Shrek takes the paper)
 Forgive me, Princess, for startling
 you, but you startled me, for I have
 never seen such a radiant beauty before.
 I'm Lord Farquaad.

 FIONA
 Lord Farquaad? Oh, no, no. (Farquaad
 snaps his fingers) Forgive me, my lord,
 for I was just saying a short... (Watches
 as Farquaad is lifted off his horse
 and set down in front of her. He comes
 to her waist.) farewell.

 FARQUAAD
 Oh, that is so sweet. You don't have
 to waste good manners on the ogre. It's
 not like it has feelings.

 FIONA
 No, you're right. It doesn't.

 Donkey watches this exchange with a curious look on his face.


 FARQUAAD
 Princess Fiona, beautiful, fair, flawless
 Fiona. I ask your hand in marriage.
 Will you be the perfect bride for the
 perfect groom?

 FIONA
 Lord Farquaad, I accept. Nothing would
 make - -

 FARQUAAD
 (interrupting) Excellent! I'll start
 the plans, for tomorrow we wed!

 FIONA
 No! I mean, uh, why wait? Let's get
 married today before the sun sets.


 FARQUAAD
 Oh, anxious, are you? You're right.
 The sooner, the better. There's so much
 to do! There's the caterer, the cake,
 the band, the guest list. Captain, round
 up some guests! (a guard puts Fiona
 on the back of his horse)

 FIONA
 Fare-thee-well, ogre.

 Farquaad's whole party begins to head back to DuLoc. Donkey watches
 them go.

 DONKEY
 Shrek, what are you doing? You're letting
 her get away.

 SHREK
 Yeah? So what?

 DONKEY
 Shrek, there's something about her you
 don't know. Look, I talked to her last
 night, She's - -

 SHREK
 I know you talked to her last night.
 You're great pals, aren't ya? Now, if
 you two are such good friends, why don't
 you follow her home?

 DONKEY
 Shrek, I - - I wanna go with you.

 SHREK
 I told you, didn't I? You're not coming
 home with me. I live alone! My swamp!
 Me! Nobody else! Understand? Nobody!
 Especially useless, pathetic, annoying,
 talking donkeys!

 DONKEY
 But I thought - -

 SHREK
 Yeah. You know what? You thought wrong!
 (stomps off)

 DONKEY
 Shrek.

 Montage of different scenes. Shrek arriving back home. Fiona
 being fitted for the wedding dress. Donkey at a stream running
 into the dragon. Shrek cleaning up his house. Fiona eating dinner
 alone. Shrek eating dinner alone.

 SHREK'S HOME

 Shrek is eating dinner when he hears a sound outside. He goes
 outside to investigate.

 SHREK
 Donkey? (Donkey ignores him and continues
 with what he's doing.) What are you
 doing?

 DONKEY
 I would think, of all people, you would
 recognize a wall when you see one.


 SHREK
 Well, yeah. But the wall's supposed
 to go around my swamp, not through it.


 DONKEY
 It is around your half. See that's your
 half, and this is my half.

 SHREK
 Oh! Your half. Hmm.

 DONKEY
 Yes, my half. I helped rescue the princess.
 I did half the work. I get half the
 booty. Now hand me that big old rock,
 the one that looks like your head.


 SHREK
 Back off!

 DONKEY
 No, you back off.

 SHREK
 This is my swamp!

 DONKEY
 Our swamp.

 SHREK
 (grabs the tree branch Donkey is working
 with) Let go, Donkey!

 DONKEY
 You let go.

 SHREK
 Stubborn jackass!

 DONKEY
 Smelly ogre.

 SHREK
 Fine! (drops the tree branch and walks
 away)

 DONKEY
 Hey, hey, come back here. I'm not through
 with you yet.

 SHREK
 Well, I'm through with you.

 DONKEY
 Uh-uh. You know, with you it's always,
 "Me, me, me!" Well, guess what! Now
 it's my turn! So you just shut up and
 pay attention! You are mean to me. You
 insult me and you don't appreciate anything
 that I do! You're always pushing me
 around or pushing me away.

 SHREK
 Oh, yeah? Well, if I treated you so
 bad, how come you came back?

 DONKEY
 Because that's what friends do! They
 forgive each other!

 SHREK
 Oh, yeah. You're right, Donkey. I forgive
 you... for stabbin' me in the back!
 (goes into the outhouse and slams the
 door)

 DONKEY
 Ohh! You're so wrapped up in layers,
 onion boy, you're afraid of your own
 feelings.

 SHREK
 (os) Go away!

 DONKEY
 There you are , doing it again just
 like you did to Fiona. All she ever
 do was like you, maybe even love you.


 SHREK
 (os) Love me? She said I was ugly, a
 hideous creature. I heard the two of
 you talking.

 DONKEY
 She wasn't talkin' about you. She was
 talkin' about, uh, somebody else.


 SHREK
 (opens the door and comes out) She wasn't
 talking about me? Well, then who was
 she talking about?

 DONKEY
 Uh-uh, no way. I ain't saying anything.
 You don't wanna listen to me. Right?
 Right?

 SHREK
 Donkey!

 DONKEY
 No!

 SHREK
 Okay, look. I'm sorry, all right? (sigh)
 I'm sorry. I guess I am just a big,
 stupid, ugly ogre. Can you forgive me?


 DONKEY
 Hey, that's what friends are for, right?


 SHREK
 Right. Friends?

 DONKEY
 Friends.

 SHREK
 So, um, what did Fiona say about me?


 DONKEY
 What are you asking me for? Why don't
 you just go ask her?

 SHREK
 The wedding! We'll never make it in
 time.

 DONKEY
 Ha-ha-ha! Never fear, for where, there's
 a will, there's a way and I have a way.
 (whistles)

 Suddenly the dragon arrives overhead and flies low enough so
 they can climb on.

 SHREK
 Donkey?

 DONKEY
 I guess it's just my animal magnetism.


 They both laugh.

 SHREK
 Aw, come here, you. (gives Donkey a
 noogie)

 DONKEY
 All right, all right. Don't get all
 slobbery. No one likes a kiss ass. All
 right, hop on and hold on tight. I haven't
 had a chance to install the seat belts
 yet.

 They climb aboard the dragon and she takes off for DuLoc.

 DULOC - CHURCH

 Fiona and Farquaad are getting married. The whole town is there.
 The prompter card guy holds up a card that says 'Revered Silence'.


 PRIEST
 People of DuLoc, we gather here today
 to bear witness to the union....

 FIONA
 (eyeing the setting sun) Um-

 PRIEST
 ...of our new king...

 FIONA
 Excuse me. Could we just skip ahead
 to the "I do's"?

 FARQUAAD
 (chuckles and then motions to the priest
 to indulge Fiona) Go on.

 COURTYARD

 Some guards are milling around. Suddenly the dragon lands with
 a boom. The guards all take off running.

 DONKEY
 (to Dragon) Go ahead, HAVE SOME FUN.
 If we need you, I'll whistle. How about
 that? (she nods and goes after the guards)
 Shrek, wait, wait! Wait a minute! You
 wanna do this right, don't you?

 SHREK
 (at the Church door) What are you talking
 about?

 DONKEY
 There's a line you gotta wait for. The
 preacher's gonna say, "Speak now or
 forever hold your peace." That's when
 you say, "I object!"

 SHREK
 I don't have time for this!

 DONKEY
 Hey, wait. What are you doing? Listen
 to me! Look, you love this woman, don't
 you?

 SHREK
 Yes.

 DONKEY
 You wanna hold her?

 SHREK
 Yes.

 DONKEY
 Please her?

 SHREK
 Yes!

 DONKEY
 (singing James Brown style) Then you
 got to, got to try a little tenderness.
 (normal) The chicks love that romantic
 crap!

 SHREK
 All right! Cut it out. When does this
 guy say the line?

 DONKEY
 We gotta check it out.

 INSIDE CHURCH

 As the priest talks we see Donkey's shadow through one of the
 windows Shrek tosses him up so he can see.

 PRIEST
 And so, by the power vested in me...


 Outside

 SHREK
 What do you see?

 DONKEY
 The whole town's in there.

 Inside

 PRIEST
 I now pronounce you husband and wife...


 Outside

 DONKEY
 They're at the altar.

 Inside

 PRIEST
 ...king and queen.

 Outside

 DONKEY
 Mother Fletcher! He already said it.


 SHREK
 Oh, for the love of Pete!

 He runs inside without catching Donkey, who hits the ground hard.


 INSIDE CHURCH

 SHREK
 (running toward the alter) I object!


 FIONA
 Shrek?

 The whole congregation gasps as they see Shrek.

 FARQUAAD
 Oh, now what does he want?

 SHREK
 (to congregation as he reaches the front
 of the Church) Hi, everyone. Havin'
 a good time, are ya? I love DuLoc, first
 of all. Very clean.

 FIONA
 What are you doing here?

 SHREK
 Really, it's rude enough being alive
 when no one wants you, but showing up
 uninvited to a wedding...

 SHREK
 Fiona! I need to talk to you.

 FIONA
 Oh, now you wanna talk? It's a little
 late for that, so if you'll excuse me
 - -

 SHREK
 But you can't marry him.

 FIONA
 And why not?

 SHREK
 Because- - Because he's just marring
 you so he can be king.

 FARQUAAD
 Outrageous! Fiona, don't listen to him.


 SHREK
 He's not your true love.

 FIONA
 And what do you know about true love?


 SHREK
 Well, I - - Uh - - I mean - -

 FARQUAAD
 Oh, this is precious. The ogee has fallen
 in love with the princess! Oh, good
 Lord. (laughs)

 The prompter card guy holds up a card that says 'Laugh'. The
 whole congregation laughs.

 FARQUAAD
 An ogre and a princess!

 FIONA
 Shrek, is this true?

 FARQUAAD
 Who cares? It's preposterous! Fiona,
 my love, we're but a kiss away from
 our "happily ever after." Now kiss me!
 (puckers his lips and leans toward her,
 but she pulls back.)

 FIONA
 (looking at the setting sun) "By night
 one way, by day another." (to Shrek)
 I wanted to show you before.

 She backs up and as the sun sets she changes into her ogre self.
 She gives Shrek a sheepish smile.

 SHREK
 Well, uh, that explains a lot. (Fiona
 smiles)

 FARQUAAD
 Ugh! It's disgusting! Guards! Guards!
 I order you to get that out of my sight
 now! Get them! Get them both!

 The guards run in and separate Fiona and Shrek. Shrek fights
 them.

 SHREK
 No, no!

 FIONA
 Shrek!

 FARQUAAD
 This hocus-pocus alters nothing. This
 marriage is binding, and that makes
 me king! See? See?

 FIONA
 No, let go of me! Shrek!

 SHREK
 No!

 FARQUAAD
 Don't just stand there, you morons.


 SHREK
 Get out of my way! Fiona! Arrgh!

 FARQUAAD
 I'll make you regret the day we met.
 I'll see you drawn and quartered! You'll
 beg for death to save you!

 FIONA
 No, Shrek!

 FARQUAAD
 (hold a dagger to Fiona's throat) And
 as for you, my wife...

 SHREK
 Fiona!

 FARQUAAD
 I'll have you locked back in that tower
 for the rest of your days! I'm king!


 Shrek manages to get a hand free and he whistles.

 FARQUAAD
 I will have order! I will have perfection!
 I will have - - (Donkey and the dragon
 show up and the dragon leans down and
 eats Farquaad) Aaaah! Aah!

 DONKEY
 All right. Nobody move. I got a dragon
 here, and I'm not afraid to use it.
 (The dragon roars.) I'm a donkey on
 the edge!

 The dragon belches and Farquaad's crown flies out of her mouth
 and falls to the ground.

 DONKEY
 Celebrity marriages. They never last,
 do they?

 The congregation cheers.

 DONKEY
 Go ahead, Shrek.

 SHREK
 Uh, Fiona?

 FIONA
 Yes, Shrek?

 SHREK
 I - - I love you.

 FIONA
 Really?

 SHREK
 Really, really.

 FIONA
 (smiles) I love you too.

 Shrek and Fiona kiss. Thelonius takes one of the cards and writes
 'Awwww' on the back and then shows it to the congregation.


 CONGREGATION
 Aawww!

 Suddenly the magic of the spell pulls Fiona away. She's lifted
 up into the air and she hovers there while the magic works around
 her.

 WHISPERS
 "Until you find true love's first kiss
 and then take love's true form. Take
 love's true form. Take love's true form."


 Suddenly Fiona's eyes open wide. She's consumed by the spell
 and then is slowly lowered to the ground.

 SHREK
 (going over to her) Fiona? Fiona. Are
 you all right?

 FIONA
 (standing up, she's still an ogre) Well,
 yes. But I don't understand. I'm supposed
 to be beautiful.

 SHREK
 But you ARE beautiful.

 They smile at each other.

 DONKEY
 (chuckles) I was hoping this would be
 a happy ending.

 Shrek and Fiona kiss...and the kiss fades into...

 THE SWAMP

 ...their wedding kiss. Shrek and Fiona are now married. 'I'm
 a Believer' by Smashmouth is played in the background. Shrek
 and Fiona break apart and run through the crowd to their awaiting
 carriage. Which is made of a giant onion. Fiona tosses her bouquet
 which both Cinderella and Snow White try to catch. But they end
 up getting into a cat fight and so the dragon catches the bouquet
 instead. The Gingerbread man has been mended somewhat and now
 has one leg and walks with a candy cane cane. Shrek and Fiona
 walk off as the rest of the guests party and Donkey takes over
 singing the song.

 GINGERBREAD MAN
 God bless us, every one.

 DONKEY
 (as he's done singing and we fade to
 black) Oh, that's funny. Oh. Oh. I can't
 breathe. I can't breathe.